Оnlу Fооls & Ноrsеs S03 Е08 - Thicker Than Water
Category
🎥
Short filmTranscript
00:00Thanks ever so much. You got me out of a very awkward situation.
00:05Oh, don't mention it.
00:06First time I saw this film was in the middle of the war.
00:09I remember halfway through it there was an air raid.
00:12We all had to run for the shelter.
00:14Yeah.
00:15Bet you all hated the Kaiser that night, eh?
00:18What's the matter with you, you moaning little git?
00:22What's the matter with... I tell you, Grandad, it is Christmas night and I am stuck in here with...
00:29I am stuck in here watching a film that the Germans tried to bomb.
00:34I know what you mean, Rodney. I feel exactly the same.
00:38I thought you liked the film.
00:40I do. I mean, it's Christmas night and I'm stuck in here with you.
00:44Oh, thank you very much.
00:46Well, why don't you stop your whining? I don't know why you didn't go out with Del.
00:51Well, he's seen Lassie again, hasn't he?
00:55Don't you let Del hear you refer to her as a dog?
00:59Well, he must know.
01:02When she come back from Tenerife it took him two weeks to get her out of quarantine.
01:10Was that the bell, Rodney?
01:13Sounded very much like it, Grandfather.
01:20There it goes again, whatever could it mean?
01:23It means there's someone at the door, you lazy little toerag.
01:26Go on, Rodney, it might be Del popped back for something.
01:35I suppose you've run out of Bob Martins again, have you?
01:41Oh. Yeah?
01:43Oh, good evening, sir.
01:46Oh, me.
01:48I'm sorry to bother you, but I wonder if you could help me?
01:52Yeah, hang on.
01:54No, no, I don't mean like that, no.
01:56I'm looking for a family called the Trotters.
02:00The Trotters?
02:03What makes you think the Trotters live here, then?
02:06It's written on your bell.
02:09Good to see you, Rodney.
02:11Reggie.
02:13Hello, Holden. How are you diddling?
02:16It's really you.
02:18It's me, all right.
02:20Long time, eh?
02:22Too long, Reggie, too long.
02:26Oh, it's good to see you, it really is.
02:30You two have met before, then, have you?
02:33Oh, I'm sorry.
02:35Let me introduce you.
02:37Reg, this is Rodney.
02:39Rodney, I'd like you to meet your dad.
02:51Right, where is he?
02:53Now, just calm down a minute, Dale.
02:55Before you go in there shouting and bawling, you just remember he's still our father.
02:58Well, he could be spending the night in the orphanage by the time I've finished with him.
03:01Look, Dale, just listen, will you?
03:03He's not the man you remember, I promise.
03:06Look, I know you've told me he used to be a right jack of a lad,
03:09you know, all the flashy shirts and the gold cuff links.
03:12Well, a bit like...
03:15Well, a bit like some of the lads down the pub, right?
03:19He's old now, Dale.
03:21He's dishevelled, he's pathetic.
03:24He seems sort of frightened.
03:27Now, just bear that in mind, will you?
03:30Please.
03:32All right, Rodney, you're all right.
03:37Dale, boy, good to see you, son.
03:39Pour yourself a drink.
03:44I used to have a shirt like that.
03:46Oh, Dale, your dad had a bath and a shave,
03:48then he found he was a bit low on clothes.
03:51Yeah, well, he's going to get a bit low on teeth before he's much older.
03:54Right, come on, you, get your thing, sling her up.
03:56All right, if you want to talk it over, I'm listening.
03:59He only wants to stay for one night, Dale.
04:02Look, when he closed that door in 1965, he closed it for good.
04:05Have I got a say in this?
04:07Let's see what Rodney's got to say.
04:09What's to be said, Rodney? You know what he's like.
04:11No, I don't.
04:12Yes, you do, I've told you often enough.
04:14That's all I know, Dale.
04:16I wouldn't mind the opportunity of judging him for myself.
04:18I never raised a hand to your mother, Rodney, except in self-defence.
04:23What do you mean judging him?
04:25He deserted you when you were five years old.
04:27And not only that, he walked out on his own father.
04:30But he's back now.
04:32What, after 18 years? Did his watch stop?
04:37Stone me, Rodney, we see more of Haley's Comet than we do him.
04:41Go on, just go, will you?
04:43Dale, whatever you may think of him, he's still my son.
04:46Look, he only wants a bed for the night.
04:49I just don't believe it, I just don't believe it.
04:52Can't you see what he's doing?
04:54He's playing on your sympathy, he's playing on your loyalty.
04:56That man is evil.
04:59Now that is the devil standing there.
05:02Oh, don't be so stupid, Dale, that's your own father.
05:05Yeah, but he sold his soul for an ounce of old open years ago.
05:09You give me one good reason, just one,
05:11why I shouldn't chuck you out of here by the scruff of your neck.
05:14I can't think of one, Dale boy.
05:16I'm not proud of what I did, I'm ashamed.
05:19Ashamed and sorry.
05:22Just recently I've been laying in that hospital bed night after night,
05:26reliving the moment I bought that beer.
05:30It hurts, Dale boy.
05:32It hurts.
05:34Hospital bed? What's wrong with you, Reggie?
05:37Something serious, I hope.
05:39Dale, just wrap up for five minutes, would you?
05:42Don't be fooled by him, Rodney.
05:44He's had everything from Galloping Lurgy to Saturday Night Fever.
05:49Do you know, once when I was a kid I was doing me own work
05:51and I asked him what a cubic foot was.
05:53He said he didn't know, but he tried to have a week off work with it.
05:59What's wrong with you, Reggie?
06:01Come on, you can tell me and Rodney.
06:03Well, a few months back they took me into hospital,
06:06just for a few routine checks.
06:09Yeah, Jackanory, Jackanory.
06:12I'm telling the truth this time, Dale boy, look.
06:17What's this?
06:19Newcastle Infirmary?
06:21Well, I've been living up there for the last year or so.
06:24Well, what's been the matter with you then?
06:26Well, they discovered that I had this hereditary blood disease.
06:31It's called...
06:33Oh, it's a medical word.
06:35A long one, Reggie?
06:37Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
06:41Well, can they cure it?
06:43They're not sure.
06:45I just live in hope.
06:47Hope's about the only thing I've got.
06:50Oh, come on.
06:53Dad?
06:55Well, these doctors, I can perform miracles nowadays.
06:59Yeah, you've just got to be brave.
07:02Just be...
07:04hereditary?
07:08You said it was hereditary.
07:11That means I could have it.
07:17And me.
07:20Yeah, well, you see, this is half the reason I dashed down here.
07:23The doctor said I had to warn my children immediately.
07:26What have they got to do, son? Go for blood tests?
07:29As soon as possible, yes.
07:31I've done me best by you this time.
07:33Ain't I, dear old boy?
07:35Oh, yeah, thanks.
07:37Well, I'm feeling a bit weak.
07:39I think I'll climb in.
07:43Night, boys.
07:45Night.
07:47I wouldn't do.
07:49Merry Christmas.
07:52Merry Christmas?
07:56Will I have to have blood tests as well?
07:59Oh, no. It's hereditary.
08:01It means he's passed on, not back.
08:08You're most probably the carrier.
08:12It's a right blinding Christmas this has turned out to be, innit?
08:15I mean, some people get wise men bearing gifts.
08:18We get a wally with a disease.
08:24You should get down to that hospital straight away after the holidays.
08:27Yeah, but with these National Health cuts, we could wait forever.
08:31It'll be all right. I'll give Dr Becker a ring first thing in the morning.
08:34Dale, he's not going to see us on Boxing Day.
08:36Oh, yes, he will. He owes me a favour.
08:38His ten-year-old son thinks that bike he got for Christmas fell off the back of a sleigh.
08:42Mr Becker and I know better.
08:45Yeah, just a minute. Where is he sleeping?
08:48I offered him my bed.
08:52You are a great big softy, aren't you?
08:55Well, he's not very well and all that.
08:58You'd have done exactly the same thing, wouldn't you?
09:01Yeah, of course I would.
09:03Yeah, good, cos he turned my bed down and took yours, didn't he?
09:16Where is the ghost of Christmas past?
09:18He ain't here, Dale.
09:20What do you mean, he's gone?
09:21Only down at the pub for the New Year's do.
09:23Yeah, I thought he'd be too good to be true.
09:25You talk about your father as if he's an alien.
09:29I mean, you seem to think of him as E.T.
09:32No, I don't, Grandad. E.T. went home.
09:37Oh, a couple of letters have arrived for you two.
09:40I think it's the results of your tests.
09:48These have been opened.
09:49Yeah, I know. Your dad must have done that.
09:51Well, the sort he'd get worried about...
09:52Oh, blame him, Dale. I suppose he was too worried to wait for you.
09:56Oh, well, all right, then.
09:58Come on, then, Rodney. See what yours says.
10:13All clear. It's all clear.
10:16I've got an all clear, my son!
10:19Well, don't look too cheerful about it, Dale.
10:22Well, I haven't seen mine yet, have I?
10:24Oh. Oh, no, I'm sorry.
10:30What's it saying, Dale?
10:33The results of my tests...
10:42..are negative.
10:48Negative.
10:54Negative?
10:57Well, that means all clear as well, you plonker.
11:04Is it?
11:06Oh, my God, I thought it was a medical term for curtains.
11:11Well, why the hell don't they say all clear, then, eh?
11:14Oh, who cares? Come on, we can have a drink to celebrate, yeah?
11:17Right, I'll go and get change. Right.
11:19Oh, here.
11:21That's funny. Eh? What?
11:24Well, your blood group's AB, and Rodney's is just A.
11:28Of course he is, and we both have the same blood, wouldn't we?
11:31That's what I thought.
11:33No, look, come here, look, give some here, huh?
11:36Look, here you are, you see, look.
11:38My blood group is AB, and Rodney's blood group is A.
11:44Wait a minute.
11:46How did that wally manage to get himself a different blood group, then?
11:49I mean, we're brothers, aren't we? We both have the same blood.
11:52We've both got the same mother, and we've both got the same father.
11:59What are you suggesting?
12:01Rodney's got a different dad?
12:04I ain't saying nothing, Dale boy, but I always remember Maisie Turner.
12:11Maisie Turner? Who the hell is Maisie Turner?
12:14She married Bernie. You remember Bernie?
12:16He used to pull the stall out down the market.
12:18Yes, I remember. What about him?
12:20Well, she had two boys, one by Bernie,
12:22the other by some bloke she met on a charabang trip to the lights.
12:26Bernie found out, and he divorced her.
12:29I see. How did he find out? By blood tests?
12:32No, the youngest boy was half-caste.
12:36Mind you, I ain't saying nothing about your mum, Gouldrist, her soul,
12:40but if you put two and two together...
12:43You come up with Rodney?
12:45Remember just before your mum announced that Rodney was on his way?
12:49Well, she and your dad was having lots of rows.
12:52Then she started going out with new friends.
12:56You mean that trumpet player from the Locarno?
12:59I thought he played the saxophone.
13:01No, no, no, that was the other one.
13:03Oh, I can see it all now. It's beginning to make sense.
13:06Cos don't you remember when Rodney joined the Boys' Brigade?
13:09He was a natural with that bugle.
13:12Yeah, and when you look at him, Del, I mean, he's sort of...
13:20..different.
13:25Oh, why did this have to happen, eh?
13:28This of all things, eh?
13:31All right, then?
13:33Yeah, yeah. Wonderful, Rodney.
13:35Couldn't be better, Rodney.
13:37What's wrong?
13:39No, no, no. No, everything's, you know, brill.
13:42Good, good.
13:44I wonder where Dad is.
13:46That's exactly what me and your grandfather were wondering.
13:50Now, what I mean is, there's no telling which pub you'll be in now, so...
13:54Ahem.
13:57What? Well, I'm done, mate.
13:59Mate, I was just admiring you two.
14:01You know, it's great to have it. It's a new one, is it?
14:04No, I bought it five years ago and it weren't new then.
14:07Come on, Sum, it's up, innit?
14:09Are you gonna tell me?
14:11All right, yeah, I suppose you've got a right to know, haven't you?
14:14Come on, sit down.
14:16I don't know.
14:18I don't know.
14:20I don't know.
14:22I don't know.
14:24Sit down.
14:26I want you to know it won't make a blind bit of difference.
14:29Everything will stay exactly the same.
14:34See, the thing is, Rodney,
14:37that man that you call your dad...
14:40ain't.
14:44Ain't what? He ain't your dad.
14:48What, is it a joke?
14:51I only wish it was, Rodney.
14:55Well, I don't get you. Of course he's my dad.
15:01Well, he must be. Grandad introduced us.
15:06Just say no more about it and leave it at that, eh?
15:09No, I won't leave it at that, Del.
15:11Are you trying to say that that man is not our father?
15:14No.
15:16Just isn't yours.
15:19See, you've got a different blood group, Rodney.
15:25So I've got a different blood group. What's that prove?
15:29Proves that you're a whodunit.
15:33That's not the only thing. You see, when...
15:35Well, just before Mum fell for you,
15:37she met this, like, new friend.
15:40He was a trumpet player from the Locarno.
15:43And a saxophone player.
15:45Yes, all right, Grandad, all right.
15:49Are you trying to tell me that my dad...
15:52was a band?
15:57No, Rodney, no.
16:01Just the brass section.
16:06No, I don't believe you.
16:08No, the way you've always described Mum, she'd never do anything like that.
16:11No, she wouldn't normally. This must have been just a one-off.
16:18Great.
16:21Well, I can't wait to fill in my next passport application form.
16:26Mother's name, Joan Mavis Trotter.
16:28Father's name, Herb Albert and the Tijuana Brothers.
16:36Been for a drink, Reggie?
16:38Yeah, I've been for a drink, Ned.
16:40I've got damn good reason to, haven't I?
16:42What are you moaning about now?
16:44I can read, Del Boy.
16:46Earlier this morning, I happened to notice them medical reports.
16:49I thought, that's funny.
16:51Different blood groups.
16:52So, just to be on the safe side,
16:54I checked my group with me donor's cod,
16:56then I checked your Grandad's group with his old army records.
16:59And what do I discover?
17:01We've got a lone ranger in the family.
17:04I'd just like to know who the El Tonto was.
17:07If your mother was alive now, I'd kill her.
17:10No, I tried to see it from my point of view, Del Boy.
17:14I mean, how would you like to have a son
17:16who you loved and cared for but you fetched up as your own
17:18only to find years later that he's a mystery?
17:21What do you mean you loved and cared for him?
17:23You walked out on Rodney when he was five years old.
17:26You didn't care whether he got shoes on his feet or food in his belly.
17:29I don't know why you keep bringing Rodney into this, boy.
17:31You're the mystery.
17:42AB.
17:44Why?
17:46You all right, Del?
17:48Yeah, I'm all right, darling, yeah.
17:50I thought you'd have been in last night for the New Year's Eve do.
17:52The rest of your family were here.
17:54Were they? Oh, no. I got a bit involved somewhere else.
17:56Yeah, your dad's a giggle, ain't he?
17:58Oh, yes, Karen. That man is one long grin.
18:00He got up on stage and started singing Adam Faith songs.
18:03You're kidding. After all these years, he's still doing the Adam Faith impression.
18:06He was good. He sang,
18:08What Do You Want If You Don't Want Money?
18:10And what was the other one?
18:12Someone Else's Baby.
18:16Yeah, give me a top-up, Leo.
18:18Grand Marnier and grapefruit juice, please.
18:22Oh, leave it out, mate.
18:24It's due, I'll tell you. Yeah.
18:26He still didn't die, will you?
18:28He didn't have a clue. I saw him years later.
18:30And he still had the scar.
18:38All right, Del?
18:40Yep. Jimmy Crodders.
18:42Why didn't you come down last night
18:44for the New Year's Eve party, Del?
18:46Oh, well, I had a bit of business to attend to.
18:48You know what I mean?
18:50Um, could I get you a drink?
18:52That's very nice of you, but I'm with my family.
18:56So I can get your family a drink as well.
18:58Karen, would you give
19:00those people a large brandy each, will you?
19:02Cheers! Anyway, let me finish the story.
19:04Yeah, well, I'm just going to have a little chat with Del, all right?
19:06Oh, all right, Crodders.
19:08Don't be long, eh?
19:15You didn't come home last night?
19:17No, well, I stayed...
19:19stayed the night at Trigger's place, you know.
19:21I got fed up keeping on that settee.
19:23Is that the only reason, Del?
19:25Yeah, of course it is the only reason.
19:30You seem to be seeing a lot of the old man lately.
19:33Yeah.
19:35Well, I think he's trying to make up for all the lost years.
19:39Oh, good deal.
19:41So...
19:43Mr Hub, been out this morning, have you?
19:45Mm-hm.
19:47Yeah. He took me to the zoo.
19:55All right, was it?
19:57Yeah, it's all right, you know.
19:59Animals and things.
20:03Listen, I don't want to spoil the surprise,
20:05but I saw him up Selfridges on Friday
20:07looking at the action men.
20:10Now, why don't you just come home, eh, Del?
20:13No.
20:15No, I won't. Not with him now.
20:17He won't let me forget that I'm a Lone Ranger.
20:20Del, he has not mentioned it, honest.
20:22Well, maybe not to you,
20:24but every time I see him on the landing,
20:26he always shouts,
20:28Hi-ho, Silver.
20:30Oh, yeah.
20:32Do you know, at school once, during a biology lesson,
20:34a subject of genetics come up, right,
20:36and a teacher said that children
20:38with the same parents can have different blood groups.
20:41That's all right, Rodney. You're trying to cheer me up.
20:43You're a diamond. You really are.
20:45No, I mean it.
20:47Look, why don't you get some advice on the subject, eh?
20:49Can't see Dr Becker.
20:51No, I can't go asking him.
20:53Why not?
20:54Well, because he'd know everything then, wouldn't he?
20:56I mean, he's the family doctor.
20:58He treated Mum, you know, when she was ill,
21:00and I don't want to have him thinking that of her.
21:05No, I mean, just clear-cutting it, Rodney.
21:07I am, as the French say,
21:09oeuf sur la plate.
21:13You know, the family is A,
21:15and I am AB.
21:17So? What's that matter?
21:19That's nothing, is it? You're only one letter out.
21:23You know, look, the only difference between us is a B.
21:28Yeah, we all know what B stands for.
21:31Rodney!
21:32You gonna play cards with us?
21:34Yeah, in a minute.
21:36Do you want a game?
21:37No, Rodney, no. I'd only find some way of winding me up.
21:40No, you won't, Dale.
21:44Look, Dale, if you just sit here on your own,
21:46he's gonna think he's beaten you.
21:49Oh, come on!
21:51Who you dares wins!
21:59Yeah, OK, then, come on.
22:00Yeah.
22:03Oh, take a seat, Rodney.
22:05Oh, does your friend want to play as well?
22:09You just lay off him, Reg.
22:11Don't you say nothing to annoy me.
22:13As if I would.
22:14He's touchy, ain't he?
22:16Don't know who he gets it from.
22:19All right, what shall we play?
22:21Well, before you say it, we don't want to play happy families, right?
22:25Right, we'll play pontoon.
22:27Dad, Rodney, Kimisabi.
22:36You got any money, Rodney?
22:38I'll give you me last fiver this morning.
22:40Dad!
22:41You know I'm skint.
22:42Well, why don't you nip Dale for a few quid?
22:44I can't ask Dale for money after what's happened.
22:46No, I don't suppose you can.
22:48Rodney could.
22:52All right, Grandad.
22:53Rogers?
22:54Evening, Reginald.
22:55Grandad, do me a favour.
22:56Stick me a pizza under the grill, will you?
22:58You in for the night, Dale?
23:00Yeah, I'm in for the night.
23:02Good, Richard.
23:03I'm in for the night.
23:04Good, we can all have a family sing-song together this evening.
23:09You can join in if you like.
23:20What's up with you?
23:22Earlier on I showed him my GCE certificates, right?
23:25And he said he was proud of me and all that, right?
23:29Then he went and wrote a bet on the back of one of them.
23:33He wrote a bet on the back of one of your GCEs?
23:38That man is a devil, Rodney.
23:40I'm beginning to think you're right, Dale.
23:42No, I know one thing.
23:43You were right.
23:45Was I?
23:46Yeah.
23:47I took your advice.
23:48Good.
23:49Good.
23:52What advice was that then, Dale?
23:54I'll tell you in a minute.
23:56Well, there were four in there earlier.
23:58No, you drunk them all.
24:00Are you going to keep up and down at the off-licence to get a few drinks into you, Dale boy?
24:03No.
24:06No, I'm off drink at the moment.
24:09See, I went down to see Dr. Becker this evening.
24:12Yeah?
24:13What's wrong with you, Dale boy?
24:16Well, for the last week or so I've been suffering from this pain in the arse.
24:23So I asked Dr. Becker if he'd give me another blood test.
24:25You know, just to sort of double-check it.
24:27He said there was no need to because you were absolutely right, Rodney.
24:30A person's blood group doesn't make a blind bit of difference.
24:33You see, a mother and father could have three children
24:36and each one of those kids could have a completely different blood group.
24:39Oh, that's rubbish.
24:40I mean, what does he know anyway?
24:42Oh, he knows quite a lot.
24:44Like he knows that my blood group is Group A.
24:47Well, why did he write AB on your result?
24:49He didn't, Grandad.
24:51Somebody added the B.
24:54Now, I wonder who could have done that?
24:56Well, it must have been someone at the clinic having a joke.
24:59I mean, the letters arrived by post, the envelopes were sealed.
25:02Until you opened them.
25:04Well, I was only trying to make sure that you two didn't have the same...
25:07illness as me.
25:09Oh, yes. Dr. Becker was very interested in your blood disorder.
25:14So he phoned up Newcastle Infirmary
25:16to find out exactly what was wrong with them.
25:18What do you reckon?
25:19I'd never heard of him.
25:20How did you know that, Rodney?
25:22I must be clairvoyant, Dale.
25:25You see, they ran your name through their computer.
25:28They found that they didn't have a patient called Trotter.
25:32But they did have a porter called Trotter.
25:35But he left two weeks ago
25:38with 57 blankets, 133 pairs of rubber gloves
25:42and the chief gynaecologist's Lambretta.
25:49I don't feel all that well.
25:51No, I mentioned that to Dr. Becker.
25:53You know what he suggested?
25:55Plenty of fresh air, new surroundings
25:58and lots of exercise.
26:01Like take a long, brisk walk.
26:04Did he?
26:05Yeah, well, maybe he's right.
26:07Oh, is that the time? I really must be on my way.
26:10So soon?
26:11Well, I don't want to outstay my welcome, girl boy.
26:13I'll, um...
26:15I'll get my things together.
26:24You dirty conniving little...
26:26It's all right, Grandad, all right.
26:29You see, I'll tell you what.
26:31I hid a bottle of scotch underneath the sink.
26:33Oh, good boy, Dale.
26:36Well, I'm glad he's gone.
26:39Made it a right miserable Christmas for all of us.
26:42I know.
26:43I know.
26:44I know.
26:45I know.
26:46I know.
26:47I know.
26:48I know.
26:49I know.
26:50I know.
26:51I know.
26:52Made it a right miserable Christmas for all of us.
26:54It's all right, Rodney.
26:56It's all over now.
26:58Don't worry.
26:59We'll all soon be back to just the way we were.
27:02Dale boy, I burnt your pizza.
27:08See what I mean?