Оnlу Fооls & Ноrsеs S03 Е04 - Yesterday Never Comes
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00:00Get it on. Get it in here. That's it.
00:03Right, come on, careful. Careful, Ben.
00:05It's all right.
00:07It's heavy.
00:08Come on, then.
00:09Mind your urn here, Grandad.
00:12That's it. Put your end down there, Grandad.
00:15That's right. Now your end, Rodney.
00:17Oi! Gordon Bennett, Rodney, what is your game?
00:20This could be a deluxe Chippendale,
00:22and you're treating it like something we're dragging out for a bonfire.
00:25The best place for it.
00:27You don't know, this could be a Queen Anne cabinet, innit?
00:30Oh, give over, Dale.
00:32Don't look very old to me.
00:34No, that is because when you were a lad, this was probably G-Plan.
00:39But to anyone born after the Napoleonic Wars, this is antique.
00:44Anyway, I'm going to put an ad in the paper in the morning.
00:46Don't know what to charge for it, though.
00:48What do you reckon, what, 95?
00:49Why don't you go the old log and make it a pound?
00:54You're starting to annoy me.
00:56Hey, it's got woodworm.
00:58Hey, that has not got woodworm.
01:00What's all them little holes then?
01:02Well, I don't know, maybe Queen Anne played darts.
01:05Where's these lids?
01:07I tell you what, I'm considering letting the British Museum take a look at it.
01:11Yeah? I'd let Rent-A-Killer have a go first.
01:14You don't know nothing about antiques, you, do you?
01:17I mean, you know, dealers, they often put holes in little items like these
01:20to give it that sort of distressed look.
01:23Distressed?
01:24Del, this thing looks panic-stricken.
01:28Where are these rotten lids?
01:31Oh, if those kids have jammed them again, I'm going to clump their ear off.
01:37Oh, I don't believe it, I don't believe it.
01:40Oh, now, come on, Del, it was a complete accident.
01:43Look, it just came off in his hand.
01:46You liar, he'll get you eventually.
01:48Come along, Grandfather, tell the truth for once.
01:50I just don't believe this.
01:51This thing has survived the Spanish Armada, the Black Death and the Blitz,
01:55and then you two cack-handed sods come along,
01:58and in five minutes you've destroyed a piece of our national heritage.
02:02Oh, I don't know.
02:03Morning, Mr Trotter.
02:04Morning, Mrs Murphy.
02:05Morning, Mrs Murphy.
02:06Look, you could...
02:08That was the lift, wasn't it?
02:09The lift.
02:10That was the lift!
02:13Now, what am I going to do about that thing, eh?
02:15I mean, you can't bodge about with this sort of quality.
02:19I mean, it's going to take the skills of a fully trained furniture restorer.
02:22Oh, they ain't half dead, Del Boy.
02:24Are they?
02:25Mm.
02:26Here, Rodney, whip down to the DIY shop and get a bag of nails, will you?
02:32Here, here.
02:34Queen Anne Cabinet.
02:36Genuine antique.
02:37Good as new.
02:39Lovely condition throughout.
02:41A snip at 145 pounds.
02:47You could make the Elgin marble sound like a second-hand Datsun, couldn't you?
02:51Wait, how much of this stuff did you sell today?
02:53What, do you mean in pounds, sterling, or number of items?
02:55Either.
02:56None.
02:57None?
02:58You ain't interested, Del.
02:59Gordon Bennett, Rodney.
03:01I'll pick you a prime site in the Arndale Centre,
03:03and you can't even get shot with a pair of pop socks.
03:05You want to grow up a bit, my son,
03:07I suppose you spent all day playing marbles with that mate Elgin of yours.
03:11What?
03:12What are you doing tomorrow, Rodney?
03:14You and Mickey Pears playing five stones.
03:17You ought to pull your socks up, you do, you know.
03:20Del, these things look like living bras that ain't been welled.
03:25All right, all right, hang about, don't knock the battery out.
03:28Oh, stone.
03:31Good evening.
03:35Miranda Davenport.
03:37Eh?
03:39Miranda Davenport.
03:41Ah, yeah, I think I know what this is all about.
03:43Now, if it was your Mercedes that I backed into the other day, I can assure you...
03:46No, no, no.
03:47You obviously haven't the faintest idea why I'm here.
03:50I telephoned earlier about your newspaper ad for the Queen Anne Cabinet.
03:54Oh, gotcha.
03:55Well, I left a message with an elderly gentleman.
03:57He did sound somewhat vague.
03:59Oh, yes, yes, well, he is rather vague.
04:01He had a bang on the edge, you see.
04:03When will it happen?
04:04Soon.
04:06Do come in, Miss Davenport.
04:09May I call you Miranda?
04:11Well, yes, I suppose so.
04:12Do you know that Miranda is my most favourite name?
04:14Really?
04:15Yeah.
04:16My name is Del.
04:17It's short for Derek.
04:18Please, go into the sitting room, will you?
04:20There you go.
04:22Oi, Grandad!
04:23No, no, no, no.
04:30Grandad, did somebody call earlier about the Cabinet?
04:32Oh, yes, she's coming round this evening.
04:34Some posh tart.
04:37Some posh tart.
04:39He's a car, isn't he?
04:40Yes.
04:41Isn't he just?
04:42Yes.
04:43Rodney, come on, clear this.
04:44Come on.
04:45Put your own work away, will you, Rodney?
04:46Come on.
04:50Right.
04:53There.
04:55Well, what do you think?
04:57Very nice.
04:58Where is the Queen Anne Cabinet?
05:01This is it.
05:03This is the Queen Anne Cabinet?
05:05Oh, yeah, this is definitely Queen Anne.
05:07It's been given the once-over by experts.
05:10Do you know anything about antiques, Miranda?
05:13Yes, I run my own antique shop in Chelsea.
05:18Well, it might not be Queen Anne.
05:21It isn't.
05:22It's Queen Elizabeth.
05:23Circa 1955?
05:25If you look inside, you'll see beneath the dust and cobwebs some faded lettering.
05:31Right, Liz.
05:32What happened?
05:34F-Y.
05:35F-Y.
05:37Yes, Rodney.
05:38Fif-y's?
05:39Fif-y's.
05:40Fif-y's.
05:41Fif-y's?
05:42Fife's?
05:43Fife's.
05:44Didn't they used to make bananas?
05:45That is correct.
05:48So, what does that indicate, then?
05:50It indicates banana boxes, of course.
05:53Maybe those antique banana boxes.
05:56All right, all right, thank you very much, Granddad.
05:57Why don't you go to your bedroom and watch the Chinese detective on the portable.
06:00Go on.
06:01All right, I know where I'm not wanted.
06:02Well, go on, then.
06:06Never quite got over Suey's.
06:08Well, are you interested in it, Miranda?
06:11No, I'm afraid not, Mr. Trotter.
06:14Well, what do you think we should do with it, then?
06:17I'm not sure.
06:18Is there a tip near here?
06:21No, there must be a wally somewhere I'd want to buy it.
06:23Yeah, let's face it, Dil, you bought it last week.
06:27I say, that's rather pretty, isn't it?
06:29That?
06:30Cool, you must be joking.
06:32Gives me itchy fever every time I look at it.
06:34I think it's rather sweet.
06:35Is it for sale?
06:36Oh, sorry, no, definitely not.
06:38No, that, you see, is a family heirloom.
06:40It belonged to my late departed grandmother.
06:42We couldn't possibly sell it, could we, Rodney?
06:44No, no, no, Rodney, no.
06:47Is it valuable, then?
06:48Oh, no, no, it's worthless.
06:50I just rather like it, that's all.
06:52You see, I'm redecorating my London flat,
06:54and I'm just on the lookout for little pieces like that.
06:57Still, never mind.
07:00Um, do you know, I'm...
07:02I'm really rather in two minds about this cabinet now.
07:05Well, you think this might have some potential, do you, Miranda?
07:07Well, I'm not really sure.
07:09But, you see, what's persuading me
07:11is that you're obviously a man with an eye for this sort of thing.
07:14Oh, yes, petit suisse.
07:17Right, whereas I'm just a woman
07:20trying to make her way in the big, wide world.
07:22Oh, yes, it's dog-eat-dog in the antique game, Miranda.
07:25I know.
07:27Eric, you'll most probably say no,
07:30but I was wondering whether you and I could go into this together.
07:34How do you mean, Miranda?
07:36Well, I was thinking,
07:38we could take this to the workroom at the back of my shop.
07:40I have a very good man working there
07:42who could possibly restore this to its former glory.
07:45We'll repolish the top,
07:47varnish out the lettering, some new brass handles,
07:50and then we could put it in the shop and share the profit.
07:53What do you think?
07:55I think that sounds just the ticket, Miranda.
07:58Mind you, I'd have to have a word with my partner.
08:01Oh, me? Yes, you.
08:03Sure.
08:05Will you excuse us while we confer?
08:08Rodney, would you join me?
08:10I'd like to have a word with you in the office.
08:12To confer? Yes.
08:14Excuse...
08:16There you go. Thank you.
08:19Thank you. We'll be back in a couple of shakes.
08:21All right.
08:23Well, if you want my opinion, Del,
08:25I don't think we should let that cabinet out of our sight.
08:28That cabinet is definitely going to her shop to be tarted up
08:31and sold for a ridiculously high profit.
08:33End of discussion.
08:35Good. Good.
08:37Well, there's nothing like talking things out, is there?
08:39If you wasn't interested in my opinion,
08:41what did you drag me in here for?
08:43Because I... I wanted your advice, Rodney.
08:45I think she fancies me.
08:48Miranda? Yeah.
08:50Leave it out, Del. She's an intelligent woman.
08:54I know she's an intelligent woman.
08:56That is most probably why she fancies me.
08:58True, true.
09:00Yeah, well, I did notice the way she looked at you.
09:03Yeah? How?
09:05What?
09:07How did she look at me?
09:09Well, sort of, um...
09:16Like that.
09:18It's like she had a hot chip in her mouth.
09:21Yeah, well, I can't do a face like hers, can I?
09:24No, no, I suppose not, no, I suppose not.
09:26How am I going to tell her that, you know, the feeling is mutual?
09:29Well, you just tell her.
09:31Well, I... I'll.
09:33I don't know, do I? You do. You're the one with the GCEs.
09:36Just be yourself.
09:38Oh, leave it out, Rodney. I want to be in with at least half a chance.
09:41Del, for once in your life, be you, right?
09:44And you won't need none of them soppy French phrases, neither.
09:47What do you mean, soppy French phrases? La banvie, you stupid...
09:50See what I mean? Del, you can't speak French.
09:53You're still struggling with English.
09:56What is it with you, Rodney? Do you like hospital food or something?
10:00I'm just being honest with you.
10:02Let's face it, Del, most of your French phrases come straight out of a Citroen manual, don't they?
10:06Oh, a lot of people are impressed by things like that.
10:09Yeah, maybe the cavemen down at the Nag's Head,
10:12but it's not going to cut any ice with Arthamagus's youngest in there, is it?
10:16That's your right.
10:20Del, if you're really that interested,
10:23why don't you just give her a sign of your mutual attraction?
10:26Yeah, a sign, eh?
10:28Yeah, erm, be yourself.
10:30Yeah, yeah, OK, yeah, that's it.
10:33Who dares wins.
10:37Well, that is it, Miranda. I have discussed the matter with my partner
10:41and we both agree that we shall accede to your delusions.
10:47You take that thing with you and get it tied up.
10:49Oh, good. Well, I'll telephone you in the morning and arrange for it to be collected.
10:53Yes, thank you.
11:04Fancy a curry?
11:08Why not?
11:17LAUGHTER
11:25My old gut's enough playing me up this morning, Rodney.
11:28Yeah, I know.
11:32Got a touch of the old Gandhi's revenge, brother.
11:36What, from the ruby last night? Yeah.
11:39Did Miranda enjoy it? Yeah.
11:41She had a bit of agro with the chicken tikka. Mind you, it was a bit rubbery.
11:45She was chewing on one bit for about half an hour.
11:48Thought she'd end up blowing bubbles with it anyway.
11:52She's quite a sort, though, isn't she, Rodney, eh?
11:55Yeah, she's all right. What do you mean, all right?
11:57All right, you wouldn't say no, would you, eh?
12:00No, she's quite taken with me and all, you know.
12:03No, she is. She's very impressed.
12:06She knows I know a lot about antiques, doesn't she, eh?
12:09Oh, yeah, yeah. Well, you've been out with enough, haven't you?
12:13Right, that is enough of that.
12:16Anyway, listen, I went up her shop this morning, up Chelsea.
12:19Real pucker establishment, Rodney.
12:21I mean, you know, real pucker. Sort of place royals go.
12:26I think something really good's gonna come out of this, bro.
12:29Do us a favour, Dale.
12:31Look, don't get too carried away with this Miranda sort, eh?
12:35I mean, her type don't give a monkey's for the likes of you.
12:39What do you mean by that?
12:41I mean, I've seen it all before.
12:44You meet someone, you take the fancy to them,
12:46within a week it's all wine and roses
12:48and I'm just popping down to Bravington's, Rodney.
12:51What do you think I am? Some sort of whelk or something?
12:54Still wet behind the ears? I know exactly what I'm doing.
12:58Oh!
13:00Oh, nice one, Barry. Nice one, my son.
13:05I must admit, there is a certain chemistry between me and Miranda.
13:11Just gonna pop next door and get a Dalton's weekly, all right?
13:42LAUGHTER
13:59LAUGHTER
14:01That's Indian.
14:03LAUGHTER
14:12LAUGHTER
14:14Right, you fit then, Rodders?
14:16Aye, yeah, yeah, fit.
14:18You've got nasty rash coming up on your boat race.
14:22Oh, yeah, yeah, that's, um...
14:24That's just what I call a son, you know.
14:27If I didn't know any better, I'd swear that someone had smacked you right in the eye.
14:31Don't go on, Barry.
14:33Poor touchy little git sometimes, you.
14:37Yes, here we are. That's it.
14:40Do come in.
14:42There we are. I'll get the door.
14:44That's right.
14:46Oh, allow me. Thank you.
14:48There you are, Miranda.
14:50Uh, seat yourself down on the chaise lounge.
14:53LAUGHTER
14:55And I'll, uh, fix us a drink.
14:57Now, uh...
14:59LAUGHTER
15:02What can I get you?
15:04Port and lemon or rum and coke or shall I surprise you?
15:07Why don't you surprise me?
15:09Right you are.
15:11Here we go.
15:13It was a blinding meal, wasn't it, Miranda, eh?
15:16Yes, it was very nice.
15:18I did feel a bit overdressed for a bernie inn, though.
15:21No, I don't think so.
15:23I think we made quite an impression.
15:25I mean, everybody was looking at us.
15:27Yes.
15:30LAUGHTER
15:33Take a sip of that, Miranda.
15:35Uh, what is it?
15:37That is called a tequila sunset.
15:40Cheers.
15:44It tastes of gin.
15:46Yeah, I'll run out of tequila.
15:48Well, it's very nice.
15:50Yeah, isn't it?
15:52Um, I actually got the recipe off a Mexican barman.
15:55Have you been to Mexico?
15:57No, no, he lives in a flat upstairs.
15:59LAUGHTER
16:03Miranda...
16:05I, uh...
16:07Well, I've been thinking about us
16:09and I...
16:11Oh, yes, sorry about that.
16:13It belongs to Rodney.
16:15He's into still life.
16:17He's got his GCE in art, you know.
16:19Really?
16:21Oh, yeah, he'll most probably be famous when he's dead.
16:24As I was saying,
16:26I've been thinking about you and me.
16:28Do you like art?
16:30Oh, yes, terrific, I can't get enough of it.
16:32You see, the thing is, I was thinking...
16:34This is very strong.
16:36Yeah.
16:38Do you like Cezanne?
16:40Oh, yeah, a bit of ice and lemonade, it's lovely.
16:42LAUGHTER
16:44You see, you and I have got...
16:46Well, you know, we've got a lot in common, haven't we?
16:48I mean, you know, we're both, well, English.
16:50I do love that painting.
16:52Yes, terrific, isn't it?
16:54No, she couldn't have had much.
16:56She married my grandfather.
16:58Do you like that painting, dear?
17:00What, that? No, I hate it.
17:02Can't wait to get rid of it.
17:04Oh, don't ever throw it away, please.
17:06It would look so nice in my flat.
17:08I'd hang it just above my bed.
17:10Or just try to picture it.
17:12Oh, you can't, I've just remembered.
17:14You haven't seen my bedroom...
17:16yet.
17:18LAUGHTER
17:21No, I haven't seen your bedroom...
17:24yet.
17:26You were saying?
17:28What?
17:30You were talking about us.
17:32Oh, yes. Yeah, yeah, well,
17:34what I was going to say was I was thinking about
17:36was that I thought that, you know, maybe later,
17:38or sort of, you know, not now, if you like,
17:40in the future, at some time,
17:42when you sort of felt like it, you did,
17:44that we could sort of...
17:46work closer together.
17:48I've been thinking exactly the same thing.
17:52Have you?
17:54Ever since I first met you.
17:56Oh, Miranda.
18:00Drink up, I'll get you another tequila sunset.
18:02No, really,
18:04I've had quite enough.
18:06Yeah, all right.
18:14Shall I put my Richard Claydon LP on?
18:17Oh, no, I must be going.
18:19I have to be up early in the morning.
18:21Mummy and Daddy will probably ring first thing
18:23to wish me happy returns.
18:25You know what parents are like.
18:27No, I haven't had any for ages.
18:29Sorry, did you say it was your birthday?
18:31Yes. Well, surely I told you.
18:33Oh, yes.
18:35Oh, you haven't bought me a present.
18:37What?
18:39Oh, you really shouldn't have.
18:41It's very sweet of you, though.
19:02Sorry, Gran.
19:10Good morning, brothers.
19:12Good morning, Grandfather.
19:14It's a lovely day out, isn't it?
19:16Makes you glad to be alive, doesn't it?
19:18Yes, terrific.
19:20Who are you off to, then, Dale?
19:22I'm just going up to Miranda's shop.
19:24Just to see the cabinet.
19:26What time's visiting hours, then, Dale?
19:28There's nothing wrong with their cabinet, Rodney.
19:30I keep on telling you, it's a very nice cabinet.
19:32Yes, it is.
19:34I mean, a million woodworms can't be wrong, can they?
19:36I've told you before, Rodney,
19:38there are no woodworms in their cabinet.
19:40Whose birthday is it, then, Dale?
19:42Mine, if I'm playing my cards right.
19:44Happy birthday, sweetheart,
19:46from your ever-loving Deli Wellie.
19:52Deli Wollie, more like.
19:56All right, all right, put that down
19:58and let's not have so much of it, shall we?
20:00Well, it's Miranda's birthday, Rodney,
20:02and we forgot.
20:04Oh, no, what a choker.
20:06Still, never mind.
20:08What did you get her for her birthday, Dale?
20:10What?
20:12What's happened to your gran's painting?
20:14Ah, well,
20:16I told you the sun had faded, didn't I?
20:18Sub my arse.
20:22You're going to do it to that tart, ain't you?
20:24Well, she's not going to raffle it, is she?
20:26She'll only hang it on her bedroom wall.
20:28Your gran brought that painting into this house, Dale.
20:30There was an history behind it, and you knew it.
20:32You stole your own grandmother's painting.
20:34I didn't steal the painting.
20:36Gran left that painting to me.
20:38Don't give me that old mother-hubbard.
20:40She did. One night when she wasn't feeling too well,
20:42she said to me, she said,
20:44Dale, when I go, that painting is yours.
20:46I don't remember it.
20:48No, well, you were out.
20:50Well, that's handy, isn't it? No witnesses.
20:52There were witnesses. There was Mum and Rodney.
20:54Mum ain't here any more.
20:56I know that, but Rodney is. You remember, don't you, Rodney?
20:58Well, I can't say I don't, Dale.
21:00But you must remember, you were there, over there,
21:02in the corner with Mum, having your nappy changed.
21:04Oh, there is nappy changed.
21:06Well, there's only been about four.
21:08Exactly. How do you expect four?
21:12I never thought I'd have to see the day when you,
21:14you of all people, let the family down.
21:16I'm going to my room.
21:18Yeah, come here, Dad, Grandad.
21:20Come on.
21:22There you are, look. Have a tanner, eh?
21:24Come on, come.
21:32She's got you tied up like a turkey,
21:34isn't she?
21:36You've changed since you met her, Dale.
21:38You've got more rooter than Pinocchio.
21:40Just stay out of my life.
21:42Yeah, I'll stay out of your life.
21:44In fact, I think I can quite safely say
21:46that me and Grandad won't ever get under your feet again.
21:50Just hope Miranda suffers with a fever.
21:54Rodney. What?
21:56Don't be a plonker.
21:58Did you leave that tanner?
22:28Hello, Harry.
22:30Is Miranda about?
22:32No, she's popped out to Huddleston still.
22:34It's just down the road there on your left.
22:36Oh, well, I'll pop down and see her.
22:38Yeah, how come you ain't open?
22:40We had to close, mate.
22:42We're being fumigated.
22:44The place is full of woodwork.
22:46You wouldn't watch that, H.
22:48Especially with your wooden leg.
22:50You wouldn't watch that, H.
22:52Especially with your wooden leg.
22:54You wouldn't watch that, H.
22:56You wouldn't watch that, H.
23:042,200.
23:062,500.
23:082,700.
23:103,000.
23:12The bid is with Gideon Galleries.
23:143,002.
23:163,004.
23:203,005.
23:223,006.
23:24The bid is with Gideon's.
23:263,006.
23:283,006.
23:303,006.
23:323,008.
23:343,008.
23:363,008.
23:383,800.
23:403,800.
23:423,800.
23:443,800.
23:463,800.
23:483,800.
23:50Derek.
23:52Yeah? What are you doing here?
23:54I just thought I'd pop up and take you out for lunch.
23:56You know, sort of a birthday treat.
23:58Birthday? Yeah.
24:00Oh, yes. How sweet.
24:02It is for you.
24:04They're daffodils.
24:06They are?
24:08Yeah. Used to be my mum's favourite.
24:10Oh, really?
24:12Well, thank you.
24:14Look, I'm rather busy at the moment.
24:16Why don't you wait for me at that little wine bar around the corner?
24:18Yeah. Yeah, all right.
24:20Will you be long? How should I know?
24:22Look, take these with you as well, please.
24:24Yeah.
24:26Yeah, all right.
24:28Now, lot 24
24:30is this recently discovered work by the late
24:3219th century artist Joshua Blythe.
24:34Now, it's a particularly fine
24:36example of his work.
24:387,000.
24:40Do I have 7,000?
24:427,000.
24:448. 8,000.
24:469.
24:48You lied to me, didn't you?
24:50Nobody's perfect.
24:52It's not your birthday at all, is it?
24:54Well, it will be soon.
24:56All you wanted me for
24:58was that painting, wasn't it?
25:00What else do you think I was interested in?
25:02That banana box of a Queen Anne cabinet.
25:04Damn things infested my entire stock.
25:06You know, I thought
25:08maybe there was
25:10something else.
25:12Oh, you.
25:14Did you honestly
25:16think I enjoyed being in the company of a man
25:18who slapped my bottom,
25:20called me sweetheart, and assaulted
25:22my digestive system with third-rate curries?
25:26Yeah.
25:28You must be a fool.
25:32Miranda, you should have told me that you wanted
25:34to sell that painting. Don't be ridiculous. I'm in business.
25:36I realised how valuable it was
25:38the moment I saw it. Why should I tell you?
25:40No, Miranda, you don't understand.
25:42You're the one who's confused, Derek.
25:44And let's get one thing absolutely clear.
25:46That painting is now mine.
25:48It's been legally registered in my name.
25:50Mummy and Daddy have even signed an affidavit
25:52to swear that the painting
25:54has been in our family for generations.
25:56Seventeen-five.
25:58Thank God for that.
26:00I've been trying to get shot
26:02at that painting for years.
26:04What do you mean?
26:06I know exactly what that painting is,
26:08and I know exactly how much it's worth.
26:10How could someone like you possibly know that?
26:12I'll tell you how I know, shall I?
26:14Cos my old gran used to be a charlady to an art dealer.
26:16That's how I know.
26:18Oh, I see. And this Mrs Mop
26:20examined it, did she?
26:22No, she didn't examine it. She nicked it.
26:26Seventeen thousand, six hundred pounds.
26:30Good luck, sweetheart.