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00:00This is Ground Control to Major Tom, you've read it like a guide, and the pilot's got to know who shot you off it, now it's time to leave the gas station.
00:28This is Ground Control to Major Tom, I'm stepping through the turmoil, and I'm fighting the monster to kill your wife.
00:40What's all this, Sid?
00:41I got the idea from that little Spanish place in Fulham.
00:44That's tapas!
00:46This is, er... well, it's not good, is it?
00:48This is English tapas.
00:51Does Mike know you're doing this? I mean, I know he's still inside, but it's still his pub.
00:55Michael said, treat the pub as if it were your own.
00:58That's just a figure of speech, you stay at someone's house, they say, treat it as your own.
01:03Yeah, doesn't mean to say you take a sledgehammer to build a true lounge.
01:06Look, there it is, take it or leave it.
01:09Oh, thank God, we got a choice.
01:14Do you think Boyce will turn up?
01:16No, I should think he's halfway across Europe by now.
01:19Yeah, grab the insurance money and run.
01:25LAUGHTER
01:38CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
01:47Good evening.
01:49I know what you have been saying about me, so I am here to prove you wrong.
01:53Please all greet my wife, Marlene.
02:04Good evening, everyone.
02:06Sorry about your hair, Marlene.
02:09Must cost me a bloody fortune up west.
02:11You look like Brian May in a spin dryer.
02:16Tell him! Ignore him.
02:19If I may, my dear.
02:24LAUGHTER
02:29I'm told 40 hours.
02:33I've got a feeling this is going to cause trouble.
02:37She's going to have someone's eye out.
02:39LAUGHTER
02:50Now, that's where she's been for the last week or so.
02:53Uptown, getting a boob job.
02:55She has not had a boob job.
02:57Leave it out, Boyce. You brought a Fermi.
03:00I have not brought a Fermi.
03:02I'm going to call up Twickenham and see if they've got a couple of bulbs missing.
03:07She has not had a boob job. That is all natural.
03:10Really? Well, she never used to have boobs as big as that.
03:14How the bloody hell do you know?
03:17You told me.
03:19Oh, yeah.
03:22So we got a dress designer in who simply made the most of what was available.
03:25Oh, yeah. And who was that bloke that she was seen uptown with the other week?
03:29Oh, that bloke? Yeah, that bloke was...
03:32Well, that bloke was... He was...
03:36All right, that was a plastic surgeon.
03:38Ha-ha! And that comes out, eh?
03:40Hmm. I just thought it might bring us closer together.
03:43And I thought that would have the opposite effect.
03:46Well, I bloody well hope not. It was four grand a boob.
03:49Well, how much that cost you, then?
03:54About eight grand, Trigg.
03:56Ninety.
03:59I feel sorry for her.
04:01It must be horrible going round with a couple of big boobies.
04:04Raquel and I are used to it.
04:09Are they laughing at me?
04:11No, they're just having a good time.
04:13We'll see about that.
04:17Raquel, I'm so glad you wore that dress again.
04:21It's always been one of my favourites.
04:23It reminds me, boys, when I think about it.
04:26It reminds me, boys.
04:28We've got to collect the curtains from the cleaners.
04:31Oh, just listen.
04:33And her looking like one of those little women you put over toilet rolls.
04:36Did you hear what she said?
04:38Yes.
04:40Now, be fair, Raquel. Molly's made a big effort this evening.
04:43You can see a struggle's taken place.
04:47She's been in that bedroom for hours.
04:49Oh, shut up!
04:51I'm just trying to defend your honour.
04:54Leave it out, boys. He's trying to defend Marlene's honour.
04:56What have you got in the garden shed? A time machine?
05:00You're just jealous, aren't you?
05:02Just because I can afford a bit of surgery for my 40th birthday.
05:0540th?
05:07When I first met you, you were pushing 40.
05:09For the last few years, you've been towing it.
05:11Right, that's it.
05:13Raquel, get out of the pub, you're barred.
05:17What are you talking about, Sid?
05:19Eh?
05:21No. Marlene, get out of the pub, you're barred.
05:24Thank you, old pal.
05:26Get off home and take your foster tits with you.
05:30Did you hear what he just said?
05:33How dare you!
05:35Right, we'll finish our drinks and then we'll...
05:37You will not finish them. You'll get out now.
05:39Right.
05:40Come along, Marlene. I've never been so insulted in my life.
05:46Sid, far be it from me to interfere,
05:48but I think you're taking this landlord lark a bit too seriously.
05:51You're like Mussolini in a local harvester.
05:54I'm running this pub now.
05:56I don't think you should have banned Boise and Marlene.
05:59Oh, yes? And why is that?
06:01Because it's their anniversary do.
06:08Excuse me. I am paying for all this.
06:12Right. Drinks all round.
06:14Wait!
06:18APPLAUSE
06:34Right, Raquel, where are you?
06:40You rotten, lying, devious, cheating man!
06:44Have I upset you, sweetheart?
06:46I've got a letter from the official receiver.
06:48Oh, right, yeah.
06:50I've come back home to talk to you about that.
06:52You lied to me. And you've lied to Rodney about those letters.
06:55What letters?
07:00All right, all right.
07:02These letters.
07:05Can't write, can't write and can't write solicitors of law?
07:08There must be ten letters here.
07:10No, it looks worse than it is.
07:12Yes, because half of them are Rodney's.
07:14Are you hiding my personal correspondence?
07:17I just wanted to take the pressure off you, that was all,
07:20because you got Cassandra and the baby.
07:22And you didn't tell me that this flat is being auctioned in ten days' time.
07:25No, well, you had all that ironing.
07:30It's just been one bit of bad news after the other.
07:33I was just trying to protect you all, that was all.
07:36You're just a control freak, Derek.
07:38To you, other people don't matter, do they?
07:40That is not true, sweetheart.
07:42And what do they do in return?
07:44They love you so much, they all try to help you
07:46and you just throw it back in their faces.
07:48Oh, they all try to help me, yeah.
07:50What was it that you wanted me to do?
07:52Ask Boise for a loan?
07:54That's about the same as joining the Moonies.
07:56Then I've got Rodney here trying to write
07:58Freddy Krueger and the Chocolate Factory
08:00and Trigger back at his place scratching his arse with a chopstick.
08:05All these people are supposed to help me.
08:08You ungrateful sod.
08:11Well, at least I didn't suggest forming a Hollywood film company.
08:15You're going to wish that you'd never said that, Rodney.
08:18Just bringing up a pertinent point.
08:20No, pal, that's more like bringing up a furball.
08:23You were going to form a Hollywood film company?
08:26You see, you see, you see? No, not me, him. Rodney, that's what.
08:29He wanted to make this film about an uninhabited desert island
08:33with a tribe of cavemen living on it.
08:35Well, how's it uninhabited, then?
08:37I don't know.
08:38And then this jumbo jet lands with a load of other people on board.
08:41A jumbo jet? And where's the runway come from?
08:44Well, I don't know.
08:46What's all this noise?
08:48Oh, Cassandra, you've got to hear the latest from these two morons.
08:52They're going to make their own Hollywood film.
08:54What was it, Dale?
08:55They land on an uninhabited island in a jumbo jet?
08:58Who do?
08:59Mel Gibson and Julia Roberts.
09:01It's his idea. He wanted Julia Roberts.
09:03Yeah, but he wanted Liz Hurley and Jordan.
09:05How can you land a jumbo jet on an uninhabited island?
09:08Where's the runway come from?
09:10Ha-ha! Yeah.
09:12I don't know. Ask him here. Cecil B Demented.
09:20I don't know.
09:21You see? Well, maybe Fred Flintstone and Barney Rubble.
09:24They knocked it out, didn't they, one weekend, eh?
09:27And who was going to produce this masterpiece, as if I need ask?
09:31Oh, well, exactly, yeah. Alfred Stopcock here.
09:35So while we're worrying ourselves sick,
09:37these two are getting drunk and dreaming of making a Hollywood film.
09:41Aren't you just glad you made sacrifices for them?
09:44Just listen to me, Raquel.
09:46No, you listen to me, Derek.
09:48You've got to make contact with reality, Dale.
09:50Everything with you is image.
09:52I saw you down the pub last night.
09:54We're broke, and you were throwing money around like Elton John.
09:57And instead of finding work,
09:59you prefer to sit in this recycled council flat
10:02pretending to be Quentin Tarantino.
10:04You and me go out in the Capri.
10:05You insist on having the windows wound up, even in a heat wave,
10:08just to make other drivers think you've got air conditioning.
10:12Well, I'm not perfect.
10:14Oh, God! That is the understatement of the year.
10:17Unless a miracle happens in ten days' time,
10:20my son and I are going to be living in some flea-bitten bed-and-breakfast
10:24in downtown Soddoffsville.
10:26All right, if it's a miracle you want, then I'm your man, aren't I?
10:29I'm chairman of Miracles-R-Us.
10:31You're a man, Dale. You'll never understand.
10:34Just remember one thing. Only women bleed.
10:37God! Blimey! Only women bleed?
10:40Gordon Bennett!
10:45I am not a control freak.
10:47It's just that I have had no choice.
10:50Do you realise that when I was 16,
10:53my old man walked out and left me and Rodney
10:56in the care of our daft old granddad?
10:59He tried his best, but he wasn't up to it.
11:03So I had to take over.
11:05And I've been doing it ever since, and I can't get out of the habit.
11:12I'm going to have a lie-down.
11:24All right?
11:26Oh, yeah, yeah, fine.
11:29Raquel and I have had a quiet little chat.
11:32Yeah, I heard.
11:46You got somewhere to stay?
11:48You know, after the auction.
11:50Well, Trigger said I could doss down at his place.
11:53There's not much room, you know,
11:55what with all those X-File videos and chopsticks.
12:00Oh, dear. Women.
12:02Do you know what Raquel said?
12:04She said only women bleed.
12:06Oh, blimey. She ought to be outside the nag's head on a Saturday night.
12:10They reckon they're the only ones who suffer.
12:13They don't know what it's like to be a bloke.
12:16I mean, they worry about their PMT.
12:18Well, us men, we worry about...
12:20Our MOT?
12:22Yes. Do they listen to us?
12:24No, they don't.
12:26No, they don't.
12:28She'll never meet another bloke like me, will she?
12:32No, she won't.
12:35Well, that's it, Rodney, I mean, that is it.
12:37You know, once the... Once the flat is auctioned,
12:40that's it, we'll split up, we'll go our separate ways.
12:43Won't see her again.
12:45Oh, Del, don't say that.
12:47No, no, no. That's it, Rodney.
12:49She won't be able to get round me,
12:51cos, you know, when my mind is made up, pal, my mind is made up.
12:55Del?
12:57Yes?
12:59I just said I'm going for a lie-down.
13:13No, she's...
13:15She's all right, isn't she, Rodney, really?
13:19She's lovely, isn't she?
13:21Eh?
13:24Yeah, she's lovely.
13:27She's lovely.
13:58Where are you, Del?
14:04You're not really with me tonight, are you?
14:07Sorry. Just thinking.
14:09Look, I know you're worried about losing the flat,
14:12but my mum and dad said we're welcome to stay there as long as we like.
14:15I know you and my mum don't...
14:17Yeah, that's great. Thanks.
14:21All right.
14:23All right? What's wrong?
14:26Roddy, I refuse to have this baby until you tell me.
14:30Take a look at this.
14:33It's the jolly boys out on to Margate, July 1960.
14:37Oh, this is great!
14:39Is that Del?
14:41Yeah. 15.
14:43And Trigger. Oh, look at Trigger.
14:45Keep looking.
14:47That must be Boise. Those eyes.
14:49And Denzel. Look at his hair!
14:52Yeah.
14:54Keep looking.
14:56There's your grandad. Aww.
14:58And there's you.
15:02Yeah, there's me.
15:05July 1960.
15:07Before I was born.
15:17Well, where is everyone?
15:19I'm in the bathroom. Dinner's in the oven.
15:22Dinner's in the oven.
15:24Oh, all right.
15:40Oh, dear, oh, dear.
15:45Bloody hell.
15:49So, who is he?
15:51He's my father.
15:53But your father is...
15:55My real father.
15:57My biological old man.
16:00I've had my suspicions for years, you know.
16:03People tried to convince me it was just my imagination.
16:09His name was Freddy the Frog.
16:11He'd been a Royal Navy diver, hence the nickname, you know.
16:16Him and my mum were...
16:18friends.
16:20Are you absolutely certain?
16:22Look at the photo case.
16:25We don't need DNA with this one.
16:32Right.
16:34What's the first name that springs to mind?
16:37Well, Rodney.
16:39Exactly. Rodney.
16:43Who is he?
16:46His name was Freddy Robdall.
16:49He was a mate of my dad's.
16:51See, my mum was having a rough time with the old man.
16:55He was very handy, if you know what I mean, with women.
16:59Not much cop when it came to men,
17:01but, you know, he was a real hard nut with women and kids.
17:05Anyway, one day my dad brought this Freddy Robdall home
17:08and him and my mum, well, they got on like house on fire, didn't they?
17:12You know, they had the same taste in music and...
17:15Oh, everything.
17:17And what was he, this Freddy Robdall?
17:20He was a gentleman safe-cracker.
17:23They called him the Raffles of Peckham.
17:26People have mentioned him before and we sounded similar, you know.
17:30He was connoisseur of fine wines, gourmet of international cuisine,
17:35real snappy dresser, big-time charmer.
17:38So how are you similar?
17:43We're about the same height.
17:46So where's Freddy the Frog, or Daddy, now?
17:49He's dead.
17:51Back in 64, he was breaking into a safe and he sat on the detonator.
17:56He sat on the detonator? Why?
17:59I think it's what's known in the underworld as an accident.
18:07You've known all these years?
18:09No.
18:11Well, at least not when Rodney was a baby, but...
18:15..when you get to 20 and your six-year-old brother is taller than you are,
18:19it makes you think, doesn't it?
18:22I never knew, really, who he was.
18:25As a youngster, I was told to call him Uncle Fred.
18:28And then one night, a few years back,
18:31Uncle Albert got drunk at an old folks' do.
18:34It was a wet corset contest.
18:39And anyway, he told me all about Freddy.
18:43And my mum.
18:45You know.
18:47I don't know whether you noticed,
18:49but there are no photographs of my mum in this house.
18:53Except for a couple of close-ups I gave to Rodney.
18:56Well, yeah, but I assumed your dad had taken them when he left.
18:59No, I used to think that.
19:01He only used to take money and things that he could sell.
19:04And then Uncle Albert told me...
19:08..it was my Aunt Rean who dealt with it, just after Mum's funeral.
19:14You see, every photograph in this house
19:17had a picture of Freddy Robdell in it.
19:20My Aunt Rean knew that as Rodney got older,
19:23people would see the...stimularities, you know?
19:27So she took them out and burnt them.
19:30Do you think Rodney knows?
19:33Well, he's never been very observant, has he?
19:37No. He ain't got a clue.
19:41Do you think Dale knows anything about all this?
19:44He would have seen it.
19:46Are you going to tell him?
19:48No.
19:51It'd break his heart.
19:56Will you say anything to Rodney?
19:59I can't.
20:01It'd break his heart.
20:07It'd break his heart.
20:18Have we got a C?
20:20Cartwright.
20:22What do you think he wants?
20:24You've asked me that a hundred times,
20:27and a hundred times I've said I don't bloody know.
20:30Well, think hard, Derek. We don't want to go in there unarmed.
20:34Then we can have our excuses ready.
20:37I've done nothing but think.
20:39All I know is that every business decision,
20:42every tactical move that I've ever made,
20:45we've already been done for.
20:47Oh, shit.
20:49Probably nothing.
20:51Dale, solicitors don't send you ten letters for nothing.
20:54No, this is something.
20:56And my instincts say it's something bad.
21:01We're going to go to prison, aren't we?
21:03Shut up, Utah. We're not going to go to prison.
21:06Cassandra's going to be bringing my baby to visit me in Wormwood Scrubs.
21:10You know the fun and games they get up to in prison, don't you?
21:14You can guarantee I'm going to be a prime target.
21:19Well, I hope they put us in separate cells, you depressing git.
21:23Well, how do you expect me to feel?
21:25A few weeks from now, I could be someone's bitch.
21:29Some great big ugly geezer's going to choose me to be his special friend.
21:34All you've got to say is,
21:36Oi, none of that.
21:38He'll say, I'll look after you, Rodney.
21:41He'll lend me his Rolling Stones CD and then we'll be engaged.
21:45Well, at least we'll have a little bit of a party then, won't we?
21:49I'm going to ask to be put in solitary confinement.
21:52No, no, no, don't do that,
21:54because you don't want a reputation as a tease.
21:58You're enjoying this, aren't you?
22:00No, look, just listen to me, will you, don't be.
22:03The lawyer has asked us to come in here and have a little chat.
22:06And this, whatever it is, is a civil matter.
22:09You only go to prison for a criminal offence.
22:13That means a police prosecution.
22:15Do you see any Mr Blods around here?
22:18Yes. Oh, I'm so stupid, aren't I?
22:21I just let my imagination run away with itself and...
22:26But if the worst comes to the worst...
22:29All right, I'll go in the showers first.
22:38I've been doing a bit of thinking lately.
22:41Well, you know that photo that Sid lent me?
22:45Gentlemen, Mr Cartwright will see you now.
22:50Ah, gentlemen, please take a seat.
22:53So, at last we meet.
22:56You two have proved to be very elusive.
22:59I've been writing to you for three months now, not one word of reply.
23:02Yes, sorry about that. We've been a bit busy.
23:05Yeah, we've had a few...
23:07We've had a few...
23:09We've had a few...
23:11We've had a few...
23:13We've had a few...
23:15We've had a few...
23:18Yeah, we've had a few problems, you know, recently.
23:21Yes, I heard. I took the liberty of speaking to your solicitor.
23:25He related a tale of woke to me.
23:28Well, the international stock market can be a fickle thing.
23:31No, I was referring to his unpaid bill.
23:34Oh.
23:36Yeah, we were discussing that out in your waiting room
23:38and it's in the Post.
23:40Yes, I'm sure. Let's attend to the matter at hand.
23:43Look, can't you just cut to the chase and tell us the worst?
23:46Yes, you tell us what you're suing us for, and we'll tell you why we can't pay.
23:52Mr. Trotter, you seem to be under the wrong impression.
23:55Did you not read any of my letters?
23:57I said I had something that may be of interest to you.
24:00My firm acted as solicitors for your great uncle, Albert Gladstone Trotter.
24:04Oh, no. All right.
24:08What did he do?
24:10Well, nothing as far as I know.
24:13This is a reading of his last will and testament.
24:17Albert left a will?
24:18Indeed.
24:19He didn't have nothing.
24:20Well, not quite.
24:22I understand that when you came into your fortune, you made Albert a very generous gift.
24:27Yeah, well, I mean, we saw that he was all right, but that would be, well, you know, what, six years ago.
24:34He's probably blown all that.
24:36Well, not entirely.
24:38As you know, Albert lived a very simple life.
24:40He didn't buy properties or Rolls Royces, didn't care for Caribbean holidays or Hawaiian cruises.
24:46He simply invested your gift, and with respect, in a far more stable area than you managed to.
24:52All of his investments were blue chip.
24:54Not very exciting, but stable, and bringing in a small but regular interest.
24:59Anyway, he's left his entire estate to you.
25:02Now, before I do the legal reading, let's, as you say, cut to the chase.
25:06After death duties, he has left you the sum of £145,000.
25:16Each.
25:27Yes, hello?
25:29Raquel! Raquel!
25:31Your Navigation was saved!
25:33It was all about Uncle Albert and his will!
25:35It was... Hmm?
25:37We're on our way.
25:40Right. She's in Delivery, Room 10.
25:44I don't know if I can fight this.
25:45Of course you can, Rodney.
25:47You've got to be there for her birth.
25:49Otherwise, you'll never forgive yourself.
25:51Oh. No, you're right. Here I am.
25:54This is it. This is it. This is it.
25:56Come on, give us a go. Give us a go.
25:58That's it. Good boy. Good boy.
26:00Right. Come on, then.
26:05Come on.
26:11Oh, bloody hell!
26:14I'm sorry.
26:17I'm sorry. I'm really, really sorry.
26:19What are you playing at?
26:20My wife's in here having a baby and you're just wandering for a look.
26:23I wasn't like that. I was...
26:25I'm sorry.
26:26Bloody pervert.
26:29OK.
26:32It's Room 16, not 10.
26:35I've only got a punch on my mouth just now.
26:37Shut up, you tart. Come on.
26:44Rodney.
26:45I've got to be there for her birth.
26:46You can't be there for the birth.
26:49What?
26:52They've had to give Cassandra a cesarean section.
26:55What's happened to my baby?
26:57The baby's already been delivered.
26:59And mother and child are fine.
27:07Mr Trotter.
27:21Are you all right, sweetheart?
27:22Yeah. I've never felt better in all my life.
27:28Yeah.
27:37Well?
27:39What do you reckon?
27:43She's like a work of art.
27:47Yeah.
27:49Lovely jubbly.
27:57Yeah.
28:13What are you going to call her?
28:16Don't know yet.
28:19Me and Cass had this agreement, you know.
28:21If it was a boy, she'd name him.
28:23If it was a girl, I could name her.
28:26You're not going to hold me to that, are you?
28:30Oh, yeah.
28:49What were you saying on the phone about Uncle Albert and the will?
28:53Oh, I'll explain it all later.
28:56All I'm going to tell you is that the auctioneers can go and stuff themselves
28:59because we are staying put.
29:10Yeah.
29:23Yeah.
29:28A work of art.
29:32Yes, you are.
29:53Did you love him?
29:56Did he love you?
29:59I hope he made you happy.
30:01You know, a few laughs.
30:06I've got two photos of you.
30:09But that's it.
30:11That's my past.
30:14That's all I've got.
30:16I've got two photos of you.
30:19But that's it.
30:21That's my past.
30:23My history is two photos.
30:26One of them's blurred.
30:29Don't matter.
30:35I hope she'll be as lovely as you.
30:38Well, she will.
30:43I wish I'd known you.
30:46I wish we'd had...
30:49Well, you know, something to...
30:55Something.
31:05If you bump into Uncle Albert, say thanks.
31:12Ah, here you are, Rodney.
31:15I wonder where you was. Been looking for you.
31:17Well, I just thought I'd take her out for a little walk, you know.
31:20Get a bit of tidying up.
31:24She's a little heartbreaker, isn't she, eh?
31:28Have you got a name for her yet?
31:33No.
31:44No.
31:56Oh, you like your name?
32:02Dale, can I ask you a question?
32:06Yeah, what's that?
32:10Other than looks.
32:12Is he like me in any way?
32:15Who?
32:17You know who.
32:19Freddy Robdall.
32:21My father.
32:25Freddy the Frog was a professional burglar.
32:30He was disloyal to his friends.
32:32He was a womaniser, a homebreaker, a conman, a thief, a liar and a cheat.
32:39So no, Rodney, you're nothing like him.
32:47Come on, let's go home, bruv.