Оnlу Fооls & Ноrsеs S05 Е02 - The Miracle of Peckham
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00:00I'm going to go and get my phone now.
00:06Dale!
00:08Why don't you just get a megaphone and finish me off quickly?
00:12Now you know how I felt last night.
00:14Oh, as fast a kip I was when you came in my room and made that horrible noise in my ear.
00:18Yes, sorry.
00:19That could have killed me.
00:22Do you reckon?
00:24Where did you get that trumpet from, anyway?
00:27What trumpet?
00:28I felt my heart go all funny.
00:31In my unconscious state I thought it was the abandoned ship alarm.
00:34Oh yeah? Thought they was playing your tune, did you?
00:37Look, I'm sorry, alright?
00:39Yeah, it's all very well, isn't it? You could at least say you're sorry.
00:42I'm sorry.
00:44So what was it all about last night then?
00:46Well, it's just me and Dale, we'd had a right blinding week, hadn't we?
00:50I mean, we were selling it before we bought it, so we had a little celebration, right?
00:54Anyway, we went down to Nag's Head, and of course Friday night is disco night, isn't it?
00:58And I met this bird, Helen.
01:00Oh, she really is something else.
01:02I mean, she's tall, she's slender.
01:04Bit older than me, but you know, I've been brought up to respect me elders.
01:08Was it her trumpet?
01:12I don't know, I don't remember having a bloody trumpet.
01:14Anyway, listen, right, you've got to see this bird, she really is the works.
01:18You know, everyone in the pub was looking at me.
01:20They was as jealous as hell.
01:21Do you know what she looks like?
01:23She looks like that Linda Evans out of Dinnerstone.
01:26Which one's that, Joan Collins?
01:30How can bloody Linda Evans be Joan Collins?
01:33It's Linda Evans, you know, she plays Crystal Carrington.
01:36Oh, her.
01:37That's a bit tasty, isn't it, son?
01:39Well, yeah.
01:40She's got the right looks for yours, truly.
01:42I struck gold, so good luck to you, boy.
01:45Dale!
01:47Right, all right, you mouthy old geek, what do you think I am, mutton or something?
01:52You're blimey.
01:53Here.
01:54Oi, Rodney.
01:55You were a bit steaming when you came in last night, weren't you, mate?
01:58Yeah, well, my time to celebrate, didn't I?
02:01Yeah.
02:02Well, you finally got short of it then, did you?
02:06What?
02:07Well, you know, that old dog that was hanging round you last night.
02:12Old dog? What do you mean, old dog?
02:14Well, she was, she was a bit scraggy, wasn't she?
02:16I mean, of course, blimey.
02:17She must have been six foot six, hey?
02:20Yeah, yeah, she was tall-ish.
02:22Tall-ish?
02:23Blimey.
02:24Not many birds call you shorty, do they, eh?
02:28He told me she looked like Crystal Carrington.
02:30Crystal Carrington?
02:31Crystal Bleating Palace, more like.
02:34Derek, you do not even know the girl.
02:36Yes, I do.
02:38Course I do. Her name was Helen, right?
02:43No.
02:44Oh, yes, he is.
02:46Because, I know, because they call her Helen of Croydon.
02:48The face that launched a thousand dredgers.
02:50That's what it is.
02:54Hey, can we get a bit of breakfast still?
02:56No, no, leave me out, Albert.
02:57I've got to go out on a bit of business to do.
02:59No, it's all right.
03:00I tell you what, I could do with a bit of egg and bacon now.
03:02Yeah? Well, give Helen of Croydon a bell.
03:09Oi, oi, oi!
03:10Don't waste it!
03:11What's the matter with you? Stop, give me a seat.
03:13That's the way he's treating me, isn't it?
03:15Can't just give me all that just because I woke him up.
03:19So, er, I had a trumpet with me when I come in last night, then.
03:24Oh, yeah, that's right.
03:26Belongs to Biffo the Bear.
03:27His group were playing at the Nance last night.
03:29Do you remember?
03:30What's he lent it to me for?
03:31He didn't, did he?
03:33Do you remember?
03:34You were so out of your mind at one point last night,
03:37you went up on the stage, right, took his trumpet off,
03:39it blew down the wrong end, gave him the V sign
03:41and walked out with it.
03:42How do you know? He's a big bloke, you know, isn't he?
03:45And an awfully bad mood and all.
03:46Why?
03:47Well, you won't believe this.
03:48Some dozy git nicked his trumpet.
03:52I'll get it back to him today, eh? I'll buy him a drink or something.
03:55Yeah, well, anyway, you've got the morning off, cos, er, you know, I'm busy.
03:58Where are you going?
04:00I'm going to church.
04:02Why?
04:05Why not?
04:07Why not?
04:12Oh, sit down.
04:13See you later.
04:19D'you know Gorm?
04:22He's gone to church.
04:24Church?
04:25D'you know, boy?
04:28It's funny, you know.
04:30Cos he came into the pub last night, had a couple of pina coladas
04:33and started talking to me about religion.
04:35He asked me if I believed God saw everything.
04:38And if so, did he take notes?
04:41I've seen blokes catch religion before.
04:43It's always very saddened-like.
04:46He's gone.
04:47What's gone?
04:48His Cliff Richard cassette.
04:51I suppose probably nothing, son.
04:53Maybe he feels the need of a bit of spiritual guidance.
04:56Dale?
04:58Well...
05:00Yeah, maybe you're right. I don't know.
05:02Of course I am.
05:03I mean...
05:04I couldn't honestly see Dale boy becoming one of your Burning Bush
05:07and Joshua at the Battle of Jericho mob.
05:10Could you?
05:12Nah.
05:14No, well, Dale, what, with all the...
05:16Nah.
05:17Nah, of course not.
05:19Oi, talking of Joshua, where's that trumpet?
05:21I took it down at Dasher's.
05:23What?!
05:24And mine is Biffo's, your man got my aids!
05:27Well, it'd teach you not to blight in my ear hole, wouldn't it?
05:29Oi, don't be ridiculous!
05:34Huh?
05:42Let me see.
05:43What the fuck, Danny? I haven't chucked it out this morning.
05:53Eww!
05:57I haven't chucked something like that out, Danny.
05:59Shit.
06:00Oh, my God.
06:04Oh!
06:09I don't believe...
06:10I don't believe it!
06:14I cannot give it back to Biffo!
06:18He's bound to notice.
06:22Albert!
06:23I hate you, Albert!
06:33I hate you!
06:34I hate you!
07:01Shell!
07:04I'll be with you in just a moment.
07:07Oh.
07:08Right, you all.
07:35Banging cordons will be the bane of my life.
07:44I hope he's all right.
07:46Yes, Albert, it is me.
07:48I thought as much.
07:49So, how are you these days?
07:51Oh, no, struggling.
07:52How's yourself?
07:53Huh.
07:54The cordons.
07:55Still giving me gyp.
07:56Yeah?
07:57Listen, I've got a lovely line in orthopaedic science.
07:59I've got a job.
08:00I've got a job.
08:01I've got a job.
08:02Listen, I've got a lovely line in orthopaedic sandals coming along.
08:06Thanks, Derek.
08:08So, to what do I owe this honour?
08:13I have come to confess my sins.
08:16Oh, Derek, please.
08:17I've been invited out to dinner this evening.
08:21You're a mainsetter, really.
08:23Thanks be to God for that.
08:26Wait a minute.
08:27Hmm?
08:28I didn't know you were a Catholic.
08:29Eh?
08:30Are you a Catholic?
08:31I don't know, do I?
08:34I don't know that.
08:35I was only a kid.
08:36But me mum was a Catholic.
08:38Have you ever been to this church before?
08:41Of course I have.
08:42When me mum and dad got married.
08:45You were just a little baby then.
08:48I mean, have you ever been to this church since then?
08:50Oh, um...
08:53No.
08:54Well, my boy, you disappoint me.
08:57I watched the Ten Commandments on the telly.
09:01Father, I don't want to go up there on Judgement Day
09:04and find out that I'm on the hit list.
09:07I mean, God sees everything, doesn't he?
09:10Look, Derek.
09:12This is not the God'll-fix-it show.
09:15Forgiveness is only for those who feel shame and remorse.
09:18I do feel shame and remorse.
09:21Oh, Father, does it matter what religion I am?
09:24Well, I don't know that you're not a Catholic, do I?
09:28Oh, there's a spirit.
09:30You know, it makes sense.
09:32All right.
09:34Fire away, Adele.
09:36But the truth, mind you, I don't want you lying in my confessional.
09:39Would I lie to you?
09:44Well, about a week ago, I bought some gear from a couple of gentlemen.
09:50I bought it in good faith. Honest, I did.
09:53Well, it appears that last night I found out there was more to it than meets the eye.
09:57I mean, I didn't know. Honest, I didn't.
09:59I mean, I was led like an artificial lamb to the slaughter.
10:04If I had known the full SP, I would never have taken it on.
10:06Honest, I wouldn't.
10:07But, I mean, you know, you don't ask, do you?
10:09Well, you don't, do you?
10:11I didn't think I needed to ask, Father.
10:13I trusted these two gentlemen.
10:15I believed that they were both honest and upstanding citizens of our community.
10:19Who are these men?
10:20Sunglasses Ron and Paddy Degree.
10:23Well, you can't get them more honest and upstanding than them two.
10:28I'll give you a choice of penance.
10:31You can either say five Hail Marys and ten Our Fathers.
10:36I'll make a little donation to the hospice fund.
10:39Will school be all right?
10:45Is that it?
10:47All squared?
10:48Your sins have been absolved, dear.
10:50No, no, Father. I want you to be forgiven.
10:54You've been forgiven.
10:58Oh.
11:00Cush thee.
11:04So, what's the fund for then, Father?
11:06Are they building a new extension to the old hospice, or what?
11:08I wish they were, dear.
11:10Nope.
11:12Unfortunately, they're demolishing it.
11:14Eh?
11:15But why?
11:16That's been there for years and years.
11:18Oh, that's the problem.
11:20Over the years, it's become dilapidated.
11:23They've estimated it'll cost a quarter of a million to repair it.
11:26That's what the fund's for.
11:28I'm grieved to say we have little or no chance of reaching our target.
11:31Oh, well, wait a minute.
11:32Maybe we can organise a charity darts match for you down the old nag's head.
11:35How much more money do you need?
11:36185,000.
11:40Maybe we'll throw in a raffle, won't we?
11:43It's very, very kind of you, dear, and I do appreciate it.
11:47But I really think this is one battle that we've lost.
11:50They can't knock it down.
11:52What's going to happen to all the old and sick people living there?
11:55Well, they'll move them out first.
12:00I know. I know that.
12:02But I mean, to where?
12:04Oh, who knows?
12:06They'll probably be dispersed to the four quarters of the metropolis,
12:09far away from their friends and relatives.
12:12I mean, they're all local people in St Mary's.
12:15I know. I know.
12:17They looked after my old mum, you know, when she was ill.
12:19So they did.
12:20Treated her well and all.
12:21And my old granddad.
12:23Bless him.
12:25Mind you, he used to moan a lot at them.
12:29They can't knock it down.
12:31Can they?
12:32Well, it's out of our hands.
12:35Look, I'll be honest with you, Dale.
12:38For the past six or seven months,
12:40since I first heard of the plans for the hospice,
12:42my faith has been severely tested.
12:45All my efforts and prayers have failed.
12:48You know, I...
12:50I feel as if I've let the people down.
12:52Oh, now, come on, come on.
12:54Don't talk like that, Father.
12:56Come on. Something will turn up.
12:58Remember the old saying?
13:00He who dares, wins.
13:02Well, I'll bear it in mind.
13:09Say a prayer for me, Dale.
13:11I will.
13:25Sweet Jesus.
13:28Derek!
13:30I'm putting it in, I'm putting it in!
13:32Come down here, quickly!
13:34What's happening?
13:35Come and see this, hurry!
13:38What is it?
13:40Look.
13:41Huh?
13:42Oh.
13:44Oh, thank you.
14:06Good charity.
14:11Can I get one of you round, Peckham?
14:13It's a sign.
14:18It's a sign that we can make a fortune.
14:20What?
14:21Can't you see what we got ourselves?
14:23An authentic deluxe miracle.
14:25They go for a bomb these days.
14:27How can you talk about money at a time like this?
14:30What do you want to talk about? Your holidays?
14:32Don't you see the opportunity you're being presented with here?
14:35People will pay hard cash just to see this sort of thing.
14:38Look, I have no intention of turning my church into some fair-gown peep show.
14:44And how could I charge my own flock to see their miracle?
14:49No, no, no, I'm not talking about your flock.
14:51I'm talking about the newspapers, the magazines, the television.
14:53The media people will pay through their noses just to get this sort of thing on their front pages.
14:56I don't know if it's right, Derek.
14:58Listen, those old people down at St Mary's Hospice, they'd think it right, wouldn't they?
15:01Listen to me.
15:02With the money that you could earn out of this,
15:04you could have that place repaired, redecorated,
15:06and get Samantha Fox to reopen it for you.
15:10You think we could?
15:11Yeah, of course.
15:12I mean, she don't come cheap, but I'll see what I can do.
15:14No.
15:16I mean, save the hospice.
15:19Yeah, of course, of course we can. It'd be a doddle, where's your phone?
15:22It's all right, no, it's all right, no, I'll find it, I'll find it.
15:24You, you, you, it's all right.
15:26I don't think I could exploit...
15:29No, you couldn't, father, but I'm shit hot at it.
15:39Look at it.
15:41Just look at it, will you?
15:42Get that thing away from me.
15:44Well, what am I supposed to tell Biffo?
15:46I'll let Uri Geller have a go on it.
15:48I'll tell you what you want to say, my problem.
15:50And you chucked all that rubbish down the chute knowing I was at the bottom.
15:53I had to have a shower and everything.
15:55What do you think?
15:56I didn't chuck the rubbish down the chute, must have been one of the neighbours.
15:58I found your kipper.
16:00Could have been anyone's kipper.
16:02Oh, yeah? How many kippers wear brood?
16:07Is that what that horrible taste was?
16:09Yeah.
16:10You sprinkled it with artichoke?
16:12Yes, I did, to get even with you.
16:13I wish I hadn't told you where your trumpet was now.
16:15So do I, actually.
16:18Hold that.
16:23Hello?
16:24Del, you want to see what Rumpelstiltskin's done to his trumpet?
16:27He's only gone and chucked...
16:30Oh, sorry.
16:33What do you mean, phone Reuters?
16:38You seen it what?
16:40What, acted Boise by round?
16:45All right, all right, keep your hair on.
16:48Yeah.
16:52Bloody hell.
16:55Yeah, hold on.
16:56Oi, give me that quick, come on.
16:59Yeah, right, OK.
17:00Yeah, Reuters.
17:02Tass.
17:05Peckham Echo.
17:07Yeah.
17:08Oh, right, yeah.
17:09BBC.
17:10ITV.
17:11Right.
17:12What about Channel 4?
17:14Oh, no, right, OK.
17:17Yeah, I've got it all.
17:18It's all here, mate.
17:19Yeah, OK.
17:20Yeah, take care.
17:21I'll see you later on.
17:22Yeah, see ya.
17:23Bye.
17:25He's flipped.
17:26He's gone completely bloody loopy.
17:29What's happened?
17:30He's seen a miracle.
17:32A miracle?
17:33Well, that's what the man said.
17:36Hang on a minute.
17:37Last night he was talking about God.
17:39This morning he went to church.
17:41This afternoon he's seen a miracle.
17:44It can only mean one thing.
17:46He's caught religion.
17:47No, he's pulling a stroke, hasn't he?
17:50Oh, come on.
17:51Think about it.
17:52There's cardinals and archbishops.
17:53They've been in a business all their lives.
17:55They've never got a sniff of a miracle.
17:57Then along comes Delt.
17:58He's in the game five minutes and already he's a prophet.
18:02Yeah, prophet being the operative word.
18:05How's he going to make money out of the church?
18:19Nothing's happened, Dale.
18:20Eh?
18:21They've been waiting three days and nothing's happened.
18:23No.
18:24No, no.
18:25Here, father.
18:26Look at these contracts.
18:27I worked them out in such a way
18:28that if they want to sell any of the photographs or films
18:30of the miracle anywhere else in the world,
18:32they've got to pay you again.
18:33Look, see?
18:34You made them sign contracts.
18:35Of course I have.
18:36It's business, isn't it?
18:37No poppy, no pictures.
18:38That's my motto.
18:39But what happens if the miracle doesn't occur again?
18:41They'll give them their money back, I suppose.
18:43Don't worry.
18:44Don't worry.
18:45I always get this feeling, you know, when a miracle's due.
18:48I've got a feeling it could be pretty soon, too.
18:50Well, I hope you're right.
18:51Trust me.
18:52Trust me.
18:55My luck.
18:56Well, you know, sort of.
18:57Here.
18:58Take the butchers at that, will you?
19:02They're paying you all that money?
19:04Yeah, that's right.
19:06Well, it's not every day they get a chance to see a miracle, is it, eh?
19:09That's just the British media.
19:10You wait till the rest of the world's press get here.
19:12Look at all those notes, Rodney.
19:13Yeah.
19:14You can see his game now, can't you?
19:15What are you talking about?
19:16You're going to cream some more, aren't you?
19:18You listen to me, Albert.
19:19I am not the sort of bloke who cheats on the sick and the elderly.
19:22You put your peepers down there, you'll see that all cheques are made payable to St Mary's Hospice Fund.
19:27Yeah, I saw it.
19:28That's all right.
19:29I simply want to keep that place open, that's all.
19:31And you better pray that I succeed.
19:33Why?
19:34Because one more crack out of you and you're going to be their next client.
19:37David!
19:38Well, take a look at this, will you?
19:39I'm down.
19:40Come on.
19:41OK, I'm down.
19:43Got it?
19:44Yeah.
19:46That's it.
19:47All right.
19:55Got that one, Rodney.
20:05G'day.
20:06Australian Broadcasting.
20:07G'day to you.
20:08Sorry, Nat Bell.
20:09Well, what is it?
20:10It tells you how much you've got to pay to take pictures of the finest little miracle this side have.
20:16It's truth.
20:19Son of a cross.
20:20Right, listen.
20:21This is what we're going to do while we're waiting.
20:22You know, save us getting bored.
20:23We're going to have another little collection.
20:25All right?
20:26There.
20:27There we go.
20:28Come on, that's it.
20:29Thank you very much.
20:30Come on, everybody.
20:31Now, let's dig deeply.
20:32Come on.
20:33It's for the poor and the needy.
20:34That's right.
20:36No coins, please, because it scratches the pewter.
20:39And you.
20:40Merci beaucoup.
20:41Very nice.
20:43Oh, hello.
20:44Oi, just a minute.
20:45Just a minute.
20:46Johnny, you sign that contract, please.
20:49Oi, mind the camera there, will you?
20:52Thank you very much.
20:53There we are, Rodney.
20:55It's done, my son.
20:59This is the happiest day of my life.
21:01Yeah, I know what you mean, father.
21:03Well, it's Rien Nova Bleu, as the French would say.
21:09Where's that brolly?
21:11Sign that, will you?
21:12Oh, yeah, sure.
21:13Who's it for, then?
21:14The wife or the kids?
21:15It's a receipt for all the collections.
21:17Eh?
21:18Oh, right.
21:20Oi, Prince.
21:21What do you mean he's called Prince?
21:23Mr. Potter?
21:24Yes.
21:25Sandra Cox, NBC New York.
21:26Eh?
21:27Father O'Keefe told me that you actually prophesied the miracle.
21:30Um, yes, that's true.
21:31That is me, yeah.
21:32Uh-huh.
21:33I wonder if he might have a short interview for our viewers over the stage?
21:37Yes, of course.
21:40Make-up.
21:41Mr. Make-up.
21:43Everyone gone?
21:45Oh, yes.
21:46Yes, they have all they need, and so do we.
21:49All thanks to your nephew.
21:51Yeah, he brought you nothing but luck, didn't he?
21:53Unfortunately, he also brings the weather with him.
21:56Every time he prophesies a miracle, it's been pouring with rain.
22:01And what form do these divine messages take?
22:05Well, um, what happens is I get this strange sort of feeling rising from the centre of my body.
22:12At first, I thought it was a dodgy map of the universe,
22:15but then I realised that it was actually a miracle.
22:18It's a miracle.
22:19It's a miracle.
22:20It's a miracle.
22:21It's a miracle.
22:22It's a miracle.
22:23It's a miracle.
22:24It's a miracle.
22:25It's a miracle.
22:26It's a miracle.
22:27It's a miracle.
22:28It's a miracle.
22:29At first, I thought it was a dodgy mutton tea cup.
22:31Then I realised that I was in better profit.
22:34Many are called, but I'm afraid few are chosen.
22:40I do not want any reward for the work that I have done for the elderly and sick in the community.
22:45No medals, no OBEs, no Nobel Prizes.
22:48No, none of that.
22:49I would like to think, however, if there is any money left over after repairing the hospice,
22:53that they might build a new wing and perhaps name it after me.
23:03Sorry, viewers.
23:04The Lord's work calls.
23:06Rudney, take it from me.
23:12Get dirty up here.
23:14Don't shout.
23:15Don't shout.
23:20Look at my roof.
23:24Bloody hell.
23:27It's all.
23:29And look.
23:32The water.
23:33Seeping through the floor.
23:35Across the joists.
23:37Onto the lamp.
23:39And right onto the statue.
23:41This isn't a miracle.
23:43It's a flaming leak.
23:46Oh, that's a turn-up, innit, eh?
23:51Somebody's stolen the lead.
23:52God, no.
23:53You can't trust anyone these days, can you, eh?
23:56No.
23:57Why?
23:58You're in luck.
23:59Innit?
24:00Cos we got a load of lead.
24:01You know, I've got...
24:05I don't believe you.
24:07So this is what you bought off Sunglasses Ron and Paddy the Greek, isn't it?
24:12Yeah.
24:13I didn't know it at the time, otherwise I wouldn't have touched it.
24:16That's what I came to tell you.
24:18Ah, but you didn't tell me.
24:19Well, no.
24:20No.
24:21I'm not a grass, am I?
24:23You knew all along it was no miracle.
24:25You weren't receiving divine messages.
24:28You were listening to the weather forecast.
24:32Yeah, well, we've saved some Marys, though, haven't we?
24:36Derek.
24:38Look me in the eyes.
24:43Are you telling me that just for the sake of a small, decrepit old building,
24:48you created this whole tissue of lies and deceit?
24:52You deliberately and willingly set out to defraud all those newspapers
24:56and television companies out of thousands and thousands of pounds?
25:00Is that what you're telling me?
25:10Thank God.
25:11Bless you, my son.
25:18I was going to do some lecture tours.
25:21One of those prayer meetings at Wembley, you know, that sort of thing.
25:25This time next year, we was going to be millionaires.
25:28This time next year, you'd have been a prison inmate unless you'd watched your step.
25:32If I was you, Dill, I would keep a very low profile.
25:35Thank you very much. Thanks for your cooperation.
25:37Good luck.
25:38Thanks for having me here.
25:39No problem.
25:40Thank you so much.
25:42Perfect.
25:50Where's my trumpet?
25:53Biffo, how are you?
25:55Where's my trumpet?
25:57Your trumpet, yeah.
25:59There's been a bit of a hitch on the old trumpet front, mate.
26:03See that old man over there?
26:06Oi, where's my trumpet?
26:07Ain't you going to do something?
26:09Yeah, of course I am.
26:11Oi, do you want to film some authentic inner-city violence?
26:15Come on, bring your cameras. Bring your wallets.