Оnlу Fооls & Ноrsеs S04 Е05 - Sleeping Dogs Lie
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00:00No, no, no, no, no. Everything's kushty. Yeah.
00:08No, no, no. You've got nothing to worry about.
00:11You know me. I'd do anyone a favour. If the money's right. Yeah.
00:16You had to interfere, didn't you? I was merely trying to get a picture for you.
00:21I had a picture till you'd come in and started mucking around with Ariel.
00:24There was a ghost on the screen. Of course there was a ghost on the screen.
00:28I was watching an horror film.
00:31Just leave things alone, will you, Rodney?
00:34Do you realise there are an eye on four million people unemployed in this country?
00:38And all you can do is sit there and watch horror films.
00:40What would you like me to do?
00:42Well, you could at least think about it.
00:48I've been thinking about it. That's why I want to watch the horror film.
00:51Well, look, hold on. Shut up, you two, will you? Look, I'm on the blower.
00:54Yeah, sorry, go on.
00:55Well, of course I blame it on computers, you know.
00:57Because how many people have been put on a dole by a robot what can build a car or what have you?
01:02See, that's why I'll never get a proper job.
01:04Because I can train a robot to do something better than I can.
01:07I can train a chimpanzee to do it better than you.
01:11Yeah, OK, look, listen, I'll see you tomorrow morning about 11 o'clock, OK, pal?
01:15Yeah, cheers.
01:20That's it, Rodney. Rodney, I got a coup.
01:23I pulled off a genuine coup.
01:25It's not another coup. What have you done this time?
01:27Well, we've got someone coming to stay with us for the next couple of weeks.
01:31A paying guest.
01:33Who's that, then, Dale?
01:35It's not a who, it's a what.
01:37What?
01:38Exactly. It's a dog.
01:39I don't want none of your smart remarks, either.
01:43Boycie and Marlene's puppy, they're going away on holiday tomorrow and they want us to look after it.
01:48Well, why don't they just stick it in the kennels?
01:50No, you see, Marlene don't trust them.
01:53See, the thing is, Rodney, for the last few years, Boycie and Marlene have been trying to start a family, right?
01:58But so far, as they say on the continent, nitto.
02:02What's this got to do with the puppy?
02:04Marlene started to get broody, right?
02:06So old Boycie, he goes and buys her a little puppy for Christmas.
02:09I mean, pucker thing, you know, no mucking about.
02:12I mean, it's got a pedigree, cost him 600 quid.
02:15600 quid?
02:17Well, I said it when I said it, you know, Boycie.
02:19If you'd come to see me, like, I could have got you one much cheaper than that.
02:23Anyway, Marlene, right, she thinks that this puppy is her baby now.
02:29And she don't want her baby put in some muddy old kennels.
02:32She wants it to receive personal attention.
02:35The sort that we can provide for 60 quid a week.
02:3960 pounds?
02:40But, Dil, we don't know nothing about it.
02:42Because canine welfare, right, that's a specialised profession.
02:46Leave it out, Rodney.
02:47I mean, look, all you've got to do, like, you've got to feed it in the morning, right,
02:50take it for a walk over the adventure playground and Bob's your uncle.
02:53How'd Boycie and Marlene find out?
02:55We'll have to swear the dog to secrecy, won't we?
02:59Then what happens if one of the neighbours tell them?
03:02Well, what are they going to say, eh?
03:03They're going to say,
03:04Here, we saw Rodney taking your dog out every morning, every evening for a walk.
03:09Well, what's wrong with that?
03:10It's exactly what Boycie and Marlene want us to do, innit, eh?
03:13Yeah, I suppose you're right.
03:17What do you mean, I saw Rodney take the dog out every morning, every evening?
03:22Figure of speech, that's all, Rodders.
03:23It ain't a figure of speech, I know you're going to tear it to pieces.
03:26No, no, leave it out.
03:31I've had a headache for the entire flight now.
03:34You were supposed to have been here half an hour ago.
03:36Well, what a...
03:37No, no, we're on time, Boycie.
03:38Must be something wrong with your watch.
03:40Ian, don't want to buy a decent one, do you?
03:42What, from you? You must be joking.
03:44Oi, listen, if I...
03:46Hello, Marlene, my love.
03:47Hello, sweetheart.
03:48I don't know.
03:49Hey.
03:57Did you have a nice Christmas?
03:58Oh, terrific, yeah.
03:59I had a dog.
04:00Yeah?
04:01We had a turkey, same as every other year.
04:06Not as bad as each other.
04:08Oh, dearie.
04:09Oh, dearie.
04:12Marlene, why don't you go and get the dog
04:15and then perhaps we can get going?
04:17Yeah, all right, I'll fetch his food as well.
04:23I like your lipstick, Del.
04:25What?
04:27It's your lipstick.
04:31So where you off to now, Boycie?
04:33Oh, we're just off for a couple of weeks to the Seychelles.
04:37Ever been to the Seychelles, have you?
04:40Dunno, we haven't been to the Seychelles, Rudney.
04:44Oh, I'd have to check the passport on that one.
04:48Now, you are quite sure you will be able to look after this dog?
04:52Course I will.
04:53Yeah, oh, yeah.
04:54Del's had lots of experience.
04:57Right, remember, this is not just a dog.
04:59This is Marlene's baby.
05:03Sometimes I wish I'd never bought it.
05:06Aww.
05:10Well, they told me it was a great dame.
05:13Oh, didn't I? Must have slipped my mind.
05:15I thought it was a puppy.
05:18Gordon Bennett.
05:20Duke, this is your Uncle Del.
05:22And Rodney.
05:26He's lovely, ain't he?
05:28It's terrific.
05:31Take him for a walk, his first thing in the morning,
05:33once in the evening and then again last thing at night.
05:35Now, when it's his bedtime,
05:37you put a blanket over him
05:39and then you talk to him for a while.
05:41Don't want me to bring his wind up, do you?
05:44He should be all right.
05:46And don't worry, he's house-trained.
05:48Hey, we live in a flat.
05:53And in he has his vitamin pills.
05:56One in the morning, before breakfast, not after.
05:59Marlene, come along, for God's sake.
06:01We do have a flight to catch.
06:03Come along, kiss him goodbye.
06:05Yeah, bye, Del, see you soon.
06:07For God's sake, the dog, Marlene.
06:09Yes, bye, bye.
06:11Bye, my love.
06:13And Dukie's gonna miss his little mumsie-wumsies.
06:16And your mummy's gonna miss her little...
06:21Makes you want to throw up, doesn't it?
06:23Gonna make Tom dick meself.
06:25Come along, Marlene, we're gonna miss that plane.
06:28Yes, come on, Dukie.
06:30If he bites you, don't scream, he's only strung.
06:34Is he all right if we bleed?
06:36I don't think he's teething, he's only playing.
06:41Good boy.
06:43Bye-bye.
06:45Bye-bye, Dukie.
06:47Bye-bye.
06:49Did you switch everything off?
06:51Yes.
06:52Did you switch the burger alarm on?
06:54Yes.
06:55Did you lock everything up?
06:56Get in the car!
07:00Get in the car!
07:10Come in.
07:12After you, Del.
07:17I gotta get the food.
07:19I'll wait.
07:22Here.
07:23Here, look at this, Rodney.
07:25Look at this, steak, sir.
07:27Chicken breast, veal, scallops.
07:29We're gonna eat all right for the next week or so, eh?
07:31Oi, it's supposed to be for the dog.
07:33You must be joking.
07:35That thing's gonna get a bowl of Ketamine every day
07:37and think itself lucky.
07:39And what if Marlene finds out?
07:41And how is she gonna find out?
07:43I suppose Dukie's gonna grass us up, is he?
07:46Come on, Rodney.
07:49Here you are, come on, do some work for your living.
08:00That dog don't like that.
08:02He's all right.
08:04He can smell fear.
08:06I'm surprised he can smell anything at all
08:08with that gel in the brood you're wearing.
08:10Come on.
08:24Oi, your turn today, Rodney.
08:26It was my turn yesterday.
08:29Come on, Rodney, take him for a run.
08:44Duke!
08:46Duke!
08:48Here you are, then.
08:50Come on, up you get, old boy.
08:52Come on.
08:54Come on, come on.
08:56Come on.
08:58Look.
09:00Look. Hold on.
09:02Here you are. Ready? Ready?
09:06Here you are.
09:12Oh, come on, Duke, shake a leg.
09:18Duke.
09:20Duke.
09:26Hello. He's nice.
09:28Have you had him long?
09:30Or has he always been that length?
09:34I'm a great Dane man meself.
09:36Really?
09:38One at crust, two years on the trot.
09:40Really? I am.
09:42You may have seen me on the old chum advert.
09:44I can't say that I actually have.
09:46No, it's nothing I don't know about dogs.
09:48Now, you want any advice, you know, I'm your man.
09:50Well, Sasha, she's always
09:52tearing little holes in my carpet.
09:54What would you recommend?
09:56A new carpet.
09:58Now, as it happens, I know this little bloke down in Wapping.
10:00He'd fix you up a treat.
10:02He's Iranian, but he has got contacts in Persia.
10:08Oh, this is my trainer.
10:10Excuse me.
10:12What is it, Rodney?
10:14I don't want to worry you, but I think the dog's dead.
10:18Well, let me rephrase it, shall I?
10:20I don't want to worry you,
10:22but I think the dog
10:24is dead.
10:26Now, come on.
10:28I just can't get staff these days.
10:32What have you done to it, you dipstick?
10:36It's a wonderful turn of events this, isn't it?
10:38Boise and Marlene ain't even got the tops off their suntan oil,
10:40and we're burying their dog.
10:48Look.
10:50Duke. Duke.
10:52Come on in. Come on.
10:54Cats. Cats. Meow, meow, cats.
10:58He's not dead, Rodney.
11:00Look at him. Look, you can see him breathing, look.
11:02Oh, thank God for that.
11:04So, what's the matter with him?
11:06Well, I don't know, do I?
11:08We'd better get him down to vets.
11:10This is going to cost an arm and a leg, this is.
11:12Oi, Dale.
11:14Shall I get his balls?
11:16You leave them alone.
11:18I don't want him waking up in a temper.
11:26What?
11:28No, I was just thinking, that's all.
11:30All these years, Marlene's tried to have a baby and failed.
11:32And when you tell her her doogie-woogie's about to croak it,
11:34she'll have twins.
11:36He's not dead.
11:38He ain't chasing many cats, though, is he?
11:40Well, you know, this might be normal.
11:42Normal?
11:44What are you trying to tell me? Dogs hibernate or something?
11:46No, what I mean is...
11:48Look, what I mean is...
11:50I mean...
11:52Oh, I don't know what I mean, do I?
11:54Anyway, all I want you to know is I'm not blaming you.
12:00What do you mean you ain't blaming me?
12:02I ain't done nothing.
12:04That's what I mean, that's why I'm not blaming you.
12:06But you know when you put Dookie in the back of the van?
12:08Did you catch his head when you slammed the door?
12:10No, I didn't.
12:12You sure?
12:14Dill, if you catch a Great Dane's head in a door,
12:16you know you caught a Great Dane's head in a door.
12:18Yeah, I suppose you're right.
12:22I'll tell you who's to blame for all this.
12:24Uncle Albert.
12:26Why, what did he do?
12:28He didn't do nothing, he's just a jinx.
12:30Oh, don't start all that again.
12:32I've said it before, I'll say it again.
12:34That man is a right joner.
12:36They reckon when he boarded his last ship,
12:38the crew shot on albatross for luck.
12:40Yeah, bloody Albert.
12:42Well, it's a bit of a coincidence though, isn't it, Dill?
12:44I mean, yesterday we pick up a perfectly healthy dog,
12:46one night in a flat,
12:48and wallop, the curse of the trotters is upon it.
12:52Everything's going to be all right, I've got this feeling.
12:54Oh, Dookie's going to be OK,
12:56he's going to come out in a minute and he's going to be full of life,
12:58full of vim, full of vigour.
13:00I wish I had your faith, Dill.
13:04Well, what's the SP?
13:06Mr Collis is making a few final tests, he shouldn't be too long.
13:08How's Joke?
13:10He's holding his own.
13:12Rodney's up his old tricks already.
13:14No, you don't understand.
13:16Joke is still unconscious.
13:18Look, why don't you sit down and relax?
13:20Joke's in the best possible hands, I can assure you.
13:22Yeah, that's OK, I think.
13:24Thanks, darling.
13:30I'll tell you what I really feel bad about now.
13:32What's that?
13:34That leg of pork Marlene put in her bag for Joke.
13:36Well, we ate it last night, didn't we?
13:38Joke, you had to make do with a tin of dog food.
13:42Every mouthful of that meal made me feel more and more guilty.
13:46You should have let me know, Rodney, you and him could have swapped.
13:50Anyway, he had some of it, didn't he?
13:52Yeah, what, warmed up leftovers for breakfast?
13:54Yeah, I didn't hear Dookie complaining though, did you?
13:58We even had his steaks for lunch the other day, didn't we?
14:00Yeah, well, look, he's most probably sick to death of steaks, isn't he?
14:02Has them every day of his life.
14:04Look, can you change the subject, please?
14:06Going on about bloody steaks and legs of pork?
14:10Can't we talk about something more...
14:12You know, more...
14:14Aesthetical?
14:18You want to talk...
14:20Yes, yeah, sure.
14:22You take it away, Derek.
14:28Couldn't half give that one, couldn't you, Rodney?
14:34Oh, Mr. Doc.
14:36Doc, what news?
14:38Oh, well, it's difficult to say.
14:40His heartbeat's normal.
14:42Is that good?
14:44Well, of course.
14:46All the tests have proved negative.
14:48I'm just waiting on the results of his blood sample.
14:50And have you taken an X-ray?
14:52Yes, yes.
14:54There's no sign of any damage.
14:56It's a complete mystery.
14:58Never mind, we'll keep him here as long as necessary.
15:00Where shall I send the bill?
15:02How long will it take, Doc?
15:04Oh, it shouldn't take long.
15:06Not if I send it first class.
15:08No, no, no, I don't mean that.
15:10I mean how long will it take for Dookie's recovery?
15:12Oh, I see.
15:14Well, it will take as long as it takes, Mr. Trotter.
15:16All we can do now is keep a close eye on him
15:18and let nature take its course.
15:20What have you been feeding him on?
15:22Well, just tins of...
15:24Steak.
15:26Best porterhouse steak he had for his lunch.
15:28He has liver for his supper.
15:30He has roast pork for breakfast.
15:32He's not only the very finest, he's had his milk,
15:34he's had his vitamins, you name it, he's had it.
15:36Pork? For breakfast?
15:38Yes.
15:40Was it freshly cooked pork?
15:42Yes, freshly cooked the night before.
15:44Did you reheat it thoroughly?
15:46Well, we warmed it up a bit, yes.
15:48You warmed it up a bit?
15:50Oh, well,
15:52I think we may have solved the mystery.
15:54Were neither of you aware that white meat,
15:56particularly pork,
15:58unless thoroughly reheated,
16:00is a notorious breeding ground
16:02for salmonella poisoning.
16:04Salmonella poisoning?
16:06Do you reckon that's what Dookie's got?
16:08Well, it's a strong possibility, wouldn't you say?
16:10This leg of pork.
16:12Have you still got it?
16:14Oh, not on us.
16:16No, it's back home in the fridge.
16:18Could you bring it in for examination?
16:20Yeah, we'll pop back and get it right away.
16:22Come on.
16:24Oh, no, that dozy old git.
16:26Can I use your phone?
16:28Oi, listen, if it is this salmonella poisoning,
16:30right, will he survive?
16:32Well, it depends on what strain of salmonella it is.
16:34That's why I need to examine that meat.
16:36How long have you had the dog?
16:38Oh, er, one day.
16:40One day?
16:42Yeah.
16:44Oh, no, you see, it ain't our dog, it's a friend's.
16:46We're just looking after him.
16:48Albert,
16:50it's Doughboy.
16:52Yeah, now...
16:54Ahoy there.
16:56Listen, Albert,
16:58about that piece of pork in the fridge.
17:02Pickles and crusty bread.
17:04Yeah, it sounds lovely.
17:06He's eaten it.
17:08Oh, no, look, I'll telephone the hospital from my office.
17:10You get him down there as quickly as you can.
17:12The hospital, yes, certainly.
17:14Albert, listen, Albert, Uncle Albert,
17:16now listen to me, listen very carefully.
17:18I want you to do me a favour.
17:20Listen, I want you to put a few things in your duffel bag,
17:22and go down the hall and wait for me in Rodders,
17:24because we're going to pop you down to the hospital
17:26where you've got to have an operation.
17:28No, he won't have to have an operation.
17:30A fiver says he does.
17:32Oh, right, you're wrong.
17:34Right.
17:36Now, listen, I know you don't want to have an operation.
17:38Nobody wants to have an operation,
17:40but everyone at some time in their lives
17:42has to have one.
17:44And today it's your turn.
17:48Now, listen, you know that piece of pork you had for dinner?
17:50Now, I know you're going to laugh at this, Uncle.
17:52Andy, don't.
17:54You're on.
17:56Well, there's a strong possibility
17:58that it contained
18:00Sam and Ella poisoning.
18:06All right, stop that. Stop it.
18:08You're a grown man. Pull yourself together.
18:10Now, listen, we're going to come down
18:12and we'll pick you up in a couple of minutes. Now, be ready.
18:14Rodney, you should have warned me about this.
18:16Warned you about it? I didn't know myself.
18:18Well, you're the one with GCEs,
18:20ain't I?
18:22Yeah, I've got a GCE in maths and art.
18:24I ain't got a GCE in pork.
18:30Tell him we'll pop down and see him tomorrow.
18:32Yeah. Yeah, thank you very much, sister.
18:34Yeah, OK.
18:36And, uh, bonjourno.
18:38That's right.
18:40See what I mean, Rodney?
18:42You know, a little bit of French.
18:44A little bit of French always knocks some bandy.
18:46Yeah, yeah, yeah. What about Albert?
18:48I take it we can't go and see him tonight, then?
18:50Ah, no, he's none too clever, apparently.
18:52I mean, you know, he's had pipes and
18:54gadgets and everything stuck in him, you know.
18:56Oh, God.
18:58Oh, well, waste not, want not.
19:00Do you want a grape?
19:02Right, cheers.
19:04Bring them over there, will you?
19:06Oh, hold on.
19:08Did you get in touch with the vets?
19:10Yeah, they said Juki
19:12was comatose.
19:14Comatose?
19:16Well, funny enough, I thought that when I saw him
19:18lay Spock out in the back of the van.
19:20Well, you'd be right, Rodney, wouldn't you?
19:22Because I bet with his comatose,
19:24most probably, you know, sleep is the best thing for him.
19:28Rest, rest and more rest, eh?
19:32Oh, do they have to operate on Albert?
19:34Eh, no.
19:36That's a bit of luck, isn't it?
19:38You owe me a fiver, then.
19:40And the vets remember.
19:42I said they wouldn't have to operate
19:44and you said they would.
19:46Never mind about that.
19:48The phone's gone and made me work there.
19:50Go on, off you go.
19:52Hello?
19:54Yeah, who is it?
19:56Boise!
19:58Boise!
20:00Boise?
20:02Where is he?
20:04Has he come back early or something?
20:08So...
20:10Where you phoning from, then, Boise?
20:12You still over there?
20:16Eh?
20:18Yeah, Del?
20:20I'm not in.
20:22Del's not in at the moment.
20:28Oh, yeah, he's here.
20:30Yeah.
20:32Yeah, OK, put her on, then.
20:34Hello, Marlene.
20:36No, no,
20:38don't you worry about Duke.
20:40He's as happy as they come.
20:42Yeah.
20:44Get down, Duke.
20:48Little rascal, jumping all over me.
20:50Most probably recognises
20:52your voice, eh, Marlene?
20:54Yeah.
20:56Eh?
21:00She wants Duke to talk to her.
21:02Talk to her?
21:04The scatty dog, the scatty mare.
21:06Oh, tell her she can't.
21:08Oh, go on.
21:12Come on, Duke, you talk to Mummy.
21:18Come on.
21:20Come on, Duke, you talk to Mummy.
21:30Oh, look at that.
21:32I'm off into the kitchen now, Marlene,
21:34and there's someone at the door, so I've got to go.
21:36See you.
21:38Oi, don't mess around with him.
21:48Oi, oi, oi,
21:50you up to that again, are you?
21:52Women in uniforms.
21:54I ain't, no, I ain't.
21:56You want to watch it, Rudney,
21:58you're going to end up marrying an arcaler.
22:00Yeah, Mr Trotter,
22:02the nurse said he might be able to come home.
22:04Oh, yes, of course.
22:06I'll just have a quick look at him first.
22:08Last night he underwent some rather
22:10thorough examination.
22:12Yeah, so did sister said on the phone.
22:14Was anything wrong with him?
22:16No, not that I could tell.
22:18In fact, I just had a phone call from Mr Collis
22:20at the veterinary clinic.
22:22Apparently the dog has now made a complete recovery.
22:24Duke's back on his feet.
22:26Still, you did the right thing to bring your uncle in.
22:32Mr Trotter,
22:34you ain't doing nothing else to me, are you?
22:36No, no, don't worry.
22:38All right, then?
22:40No, I'm not. I was all right yesterday, though.
22:42Yesterday I never felt better in all my life.
22:44But you had to drag me in here
22:46for bloody Frankenstein to experiment on.
22:48They've had me on my back,
22:50on my belly, upside down,
22:52every which way but loose.
22:54Wires, pipes, tubes,
22:56injections.
22:58And what do you think they gave me for lunch today?
23:00Rose-bleeding porn.
23:04Ah, well,
23:06you never miss much on telly last night, so...
23:08What's wrong with me?
23:10Nothing.
23:12Nothing?
23:14You mean I've had stomach pumps,
23:16anemones, glucose drips,
23:18students drawing all over me belly
23:20with felt-top pens, and there's nothing wrong with me?
23:22It's great, innit, eh?
23:26I noticed you didn't come and see me last night.
23:28I suppose you're too busy visiting that dog.
23:30Fight for your country
23:32and risk your life
23:34and see him flame,
23:36and you get old and
23:38everyone forgets you.
23:40Listen here, you silly old
23:42sausage.
23:44We couldn't come and visit you last night
23:46because you was under observation.
23:48Oh, don't give that to me, son.
23:50Well, we bought you some grapes.
23:52Yeah?
23:54You all right?
23:56We ate them.
23:58I see.
24:00I lay here last night, tubes sticking out
24:02of every place you could stick them in.
24:04Couldn't sleep, pills wouldn't even work,
24:06and all the time you two were eating my grapes.
24:10Oh, come on.
24:12We did miss you last night.
24:14Did you?
24:16Yeah. We had no one to spit the pips at.
24:18Come on, George,
24:20get him out of here. He's giving me the hump.
24:22Any problems?
24:24No, doctor. There's nothing wrong with me.
24:26I feel full of fitness and vitality.
24:28Good.
24:30Well, bye for now, Mr. Trotter. See you again.
24:32Not if I see you first, shipmate.
24:34It's all right. Come on. Come on, hurry up.
24:36We're going to get you home.
24:38The moaning, miserable old git.
24:40Don't start, does he? And we got him all that treatment
24:42and that's all for nothing.
24:44That's right. And does he think anything of it?
24:46No, does he, Earl?
24:48By the way,
24:50what's the matter with you?
24:54Oh, no. She found them in your uncle's locker.
24:56Oh, I see.
24:58Patients are not allowed to bring their own medication into the hospital.
25:00Bear that in mind for future.
25:02Mm-hm.
25:04What's he doing with these, then?
25:06These are Duke E's vitamin tablets.
25:08No, they ain't.
25:10Those are Albert's sleeping pills.
25:12I got his vitamin tablets here.
25:14Oh, no.
25:18Oh, no.
25:20You've been giving Duke E his sleeping pills.
25:22No.
25:26Cos they was on the sideboard and I just...
25:28Oh.
25:30Albert's been on the Bob Martins.
25:36It's no wonder he's full of vitality.
25:38What shall we do?
25:40Just don't throw him any sticks.
25:42Shall we tell him?
25:44No, no, no.
25:46It's a bit unfair, isn't it,
25:48after what he's been through.
25:50Yeah, let's tell him.
26:00He's miserable enough as it is, isn't he?
26:02Yeah.
26:04You'd probably think he's going to turn into a werewolf or something.
26:06Shall we just keep stump about the whole thing
26:08and no-one will be any the wiser, right?
26:10Just want to keep a very close eye on him
26:12when he goes past Lempo or something.
26:16Oi, oi, oi.
26:18Come on, then, Uncle.
26:20We're going to get you home
26:22and then Rodney's going to take Dukey out
26:24for a run, you see.
26:26Actually, income's worth, you know.
26:34What's the matter with you two?
26:36Nothing.
26:38Well, come on.
26:40Yeah.
26:42Come on, boy, come on.