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Short filmTranscript
00:00Well?
00:021,992.
00:04That's what it came to last time.
00:06Yeah, I know.
00:08And that's what it'll come to this time and the time after that, I know.
00:10Two grand.
00:12Where are we going to get two grand from?
00:14Try it again, Rodney, and this time see if you can get it lower.
00:16How can I get it lower?
00:18Look.
00:2012 times 166
00:22equals 1,992.
00:26Use this calculator.
00:28It's still going to work out the same deal.
00:30I could do it on this calculator, that calculator.
00:32I could do it on me fingers and toes.
00:34I could do it on beads.
00:36But it's still going to come to 1,992, innit?
00:38What bloody help you turned out to be, Rodney?
00:40Keep the noise down, will you?
00:42I can hardly hear this.
00:44Shut up, you saucy old git.
00:46You couldn't understand it, could you?
00:48It's in Indian.
00:50In 1959, I was in Bombay.
00:52You carry on much longer,
00:54but tomorrow afternoon you could be in Traxon.
00:56I like this kind of music.
00:58Eh?
01:00Oh, yeah, look at that, Rodney.
01:02It's one of his favourites, that is.
01:04That's that good old-fashioned sing-along number,
01:06Knees Up, Mother Patel.
01:10Listen.
01:12We're over there trying to devise a scheme
01:14that is going to make us into millionaires,
01:16and all you can do is sit here and watch
01:18bleeding Indian banjos.
01:20Why don't you just stick a George Harrison LP
01:22on your Walkman or something?
01:24The Titanic was unsinkable.
01:26Oi, you, there's a fortune to be made out of this deal.
01:28Yeah?
01:30What is this deal, then?
01:32L'Auverie Thors.
01:40So?
01:42What about him?
01:44Well, what about him? I'll tell you what about him.
01:46There's a certain painter and decorator
01:48what gets down a nag's head,
01:50and his name is Brendan O'Shaughnessy.
01:52That is correct, Rodney.
01:54Now, this Brendan O'Shaughnessy has just got a contract
01:56to decorate and fit out a new housing estate
01:58over at Nunhead.
02:00And what has the architect deemed
02:02shall be fitted to all wardrobes?
02:04None other than
02:06L'Auverie Thors.
02:08166, to be precise.
02:10Well, you've got one of them. That's a start, innit?
02:12You sarky old bark.
02:14What he wants to do, can't he, eh?
02:16That's just a sample, innit?
02:18You see, Dale's mate, Teddy Cummins, right,
02:20and he can let us have hundreds of them doors dirt cheap,
02:22and there's 200% profit on each one.
02:24That's right. It's like printing money.
02:26And the cherry on the cake is that this building firm
02:28is putting up houses all over the shop,
02:30so it's a sort of long-term, ongoing situation.
02:32So where's the problem?
02:34Well, Teddy Cummins will only sell them doors in bulk.
02:36Yeah, if we don't get two grand
02:38by tomorrow afternoon, the deal's off.
02:40Well, can't you borrow the money?
02:42Ah, we tried all that, haven't we? We've been everywhere.
02:44The bank that likes to say yes said,
02:46on to your bike.
02:48The sign of the black horse
02:50gave us a load of old pony, didn't it?
02:52Even the listening bank cocked a deafen.
02:54Dale, you must probably think
02:56this is stupid.
02:58What is?
03:00Well, it's a long shot, I'm here to tell you.
03:02It's a real long shot.
03:04Oh, no, I like long shots. You know me, Rodney.
03:06He who dares, wins. What is it?
03:08Yeah, all right, I'll tell you.
03:10I was reading this colour supplement yesterday.
03:12Yeah?
03:14There was an article in it that really caught my interest.
03:16Yeah?
03:18It was about a butterfly.
03:24Butterfly?
03:26Yeah.
03:28Not an ordinary butterfly, though.
03:30Oh.
03:32No, this one's a bit of a rarity.
03:34It's virtually unheard of in this country.
03:36Oh, well, that's interesting, isn't it?
03:38I think its name was, uh,
03:40the Jamaican swallowtail.
03:42Oh, well, it don't mean a lot to me, Rodney, that.
03:44Here it is, look.
03:46Its scientific name is papiliohumerus.
03:48Oh, now, that does ring a bell.
03:50Yeah?
03:52I don't believe what he's doing to me.
03:54Here I am on the verge of losing the biggest deal of my life
03:56and this plonker here wants to give me a lecture
03:58about poxy butterflies.
04:00You don't understand, do you?
04:02It's an endangered species.
04:04Yeah, I know. You'll be an endangered species.
04:06You carry on much longer, Rodney.
04:08Look, some of these things have been seen in southern England.
04:10One of them was spotted in Greenwich Park.
04:12You want to whip him down the quacks a bit lively.
04:14The boy flipped his lid.
04:16Listen, Mouthy,
04:18there's this private interminol...
04:20intermin...
04:22Well, there's this private butterfly collector, right?
04:24And he's willing to pay
04:26£3,000 reward
04:28for one of these butterflies.
04:30£3,000.
04:32Yeah, and Greenwich Park is only up the road, isn't it?
04:34You mean you want us to go around chasing butterflies?
04:38Yeah.
04:40You know what? I think you're right, Rodney.
04:42Yeah? Yeah.
04:44It is stupid.
04:46I said it was a long shot, didn't I?
04:48I can just see us three now
04:50running up and down Peckham High Road.
04:52We'll be trying to catch Mars Bar rappers.
04:56Hey, come on. Look at the time.
04:58Hey, come on. Get this stuff out of here.
05:00We've got to go and see if we can do a bit.
05:02Ask yourselves this. Ask yourselves this.
05:04How much do you spend on hairdressing, eh?
05:06It's got to be six or seven quid these days, isn't it?
05:08You work that out over a year and it comes to
05:10a national debt, right?
05:12But for just £1.50, you can invest in one of these
05:14super deluxe trimming combs.
05:16I mean, you can save yourself a fortune
05:18in the comfort of your own front room.
05:20Could you just come around a bit closer?
05:22Come closer, because at these prices, I can't afford to deliver.
05:24Is it sharp enough, mate?
05:26Is it sharp? Is it sharp?
05:28Is it sharp enough for you?
05:32Invest £1.50 and you can save yourself that.
05:34This is a better bet
05:36than bigger on a favourite.
05:38Now, listen to me. These come recommended, you know,
05:40by the world's leading hairstylists.
05:42Vidal Sassoon, Teezy Weezy,
05:44Mick the Barber, Mick the Miller,
05:46Mickey Mouse, Sweeney Todd.
05:48Why do I bother?
05:52It's just been one of them days, isn't it?
05:56Never mind, Ronnie. Pack up the suitcase.
05:58We'll go down to Nag's Zebra, a couple of swift halves.
06:00£2,000 by tomorrow.
06:02Got as much chance of winning Miss World.
06:06Thank you!
06:10Hey!
06:12Rodney!
06:16Don't ask, don't ask.
06:18If they made it into a film, it would be a bigger tear-jerker
06:20than Love Story.
06:22How does that?
06:24I'd go into the details, only I don't want to see grown men cry.
06:26Listen,
06:28you want to hear a sob story, I will tell you a sob story.
06:30I have just found out that my wife
06:32has been lying to me.
06:34No!
06:36Yeah, every morning she says she's going to leave me
06:38and when I come home at night, she's still there.
06:42Look at him!
06:44Stop it!
06:46I can't stop, I've got to get down to the job centre.
06:48Yeah, all right.
06:50Down to the job centre, eh? You got yourself into a growth industry at last.
06:52Yeah, well, the wages are lousy but the hours suit me fine.
06:54See you then, Joe.
06:56See you around.
06:58See you then, Joe.
07:00That's a good old count.
07:04Oh, well, come on, let's go.
07:10Oi!
07:12I heard he took three coppers to arrest Denzel the other night.
07:14Yeah, that's right.
07:16One to put the handcuffs on and two to carry the radio.
07:20We've all heard it, haven't we?
07:22Come on, let's go.
07:26Hey, hold up.
07:28Oh, he didn't. He was made redundant.
07:30Oh.
07:32Hold on. If he was made redundant,
07:34that means he's got redundancy money.
07:36Yeah, I suppose so.
07:38Denzel!
07:40Denzel!
07:42You're not having any!
07:46Denzel!
07:48Denzel!
07:50Denzel!
07:54You're still not having any!
07:56Oi!
07:58Oi, Denzel!
08:00I'm gonna make you rich, Denzel!
08:06Please don't make me rich.
08:08Denzel, don't be a plonker all your life.
08:16I'm gonna live forever.
08:20All right? Had a good day?
08:22I'm busy doing the housework, Del.
08:24I've got loads of things except yours and Rodney's.
08:26Oh, that's all right. Well, sit yourself down.
08:28You don't want to knock your old pipe out, do you, eh?
08:30Ah, that's my trouble. I never know when to stop.
08:32Yes, this is true. This is very true.
08:36You're in a better mood than you were this morning.
08:38Yeah, well, I've got every reason to be, haven't I?
08:40I've clinched the Lowry door deal.
08:42Never.
08:44Yeah, it's true. I've picked him up, paid for him,
08:46and Rodney at this moment in time is stacking him in a garage.
08:48All I've got to do now is phone Brendan,
08:50and he'll come round and pick him up,
08:52and I'll be gone.
08:54Well, do you remember my pal Denzil?
08:56Called in here a couple of weeks ago.
08:58Yeah. He was black.
09:00Yeah. Well, he still is.
09:02Anyway, did you hear that he had
09:04£2,000 in redundancy money?
09:06Yeah.
09:08Well, he ain't now.
09:10Oh, come off it, Del.
09:12You didn't take the fella's redundancy money.
09:14Well, yeah. I mean, he insisted.
09:16I have never seen anything like it.
09:18He did Denzil up like a kipper.
09:20He comes in, and I've got all the Lowry doors,
09:22and they're in the garage, and he can come pick them up
09:24any time he wants.
09:26He chased him, he did.
09:28A mile and a half through Deptford.
09:30Denzil was 300 yards from his front door,
09:32and he put in a kick.
09:34I tell you, Seb Coe ain't even in the picture
09:36when he's got the smell of money in his nostril.
09:38OK, then, Rodney.
09:40Don't you forget to tell him now, will you?
09:42He falls lager down his throat, then he frog-marched him to the bank.
09:44Do you know, Denzil was crying
09:46when he handed that money over.
09:48Listen to me, dopey. Listen, all right?
09:50Denzil gives me 2,000 pounds today.
09:52I give him 3,000 pounds tomorrow.
09:54Now, that means he gets
09:561,000 pounds profit in 24 hours.
09:58Now, he ain't gonna get that
10:00out of Bradford and Bingley, is he, eh?
10:02Denzil knows it makes sense.
10:04What about his missus? She's a bit of a dragon, isn't she?
10:06Well, let's just say I wouldn't like to be
10:08in Denzil's shoes when Corin finds out.
10:10She'll be all right. She'll be as sweet as a nut.
10:12Denzil bought her a little present.
10:14Oh, yeah. A do-it-yourself hair-cutting kit.
10:18No, she's gonna treasure that.
10:20You mark my word. Now, listen, gentlemen.
10:22Listen to me, because this evening
10:24I am taking you down to Nags Head Public House
10:26where we are gonna hold
10:28one of them things that Rodney couldn't organise
10:30in a brewery.
10:32After that, we're going to the Star of Bengal
10:34for a ruby.
10:36So get that down your neck, Rodney.
10:38Jill.
10:48My hair's falling out.
10:52My hair's falling out
10:54in great chunks.
10:56I'm going bald.
10:58Derek, I'm
11:0024 years old and I'm going bald.
11:04That's supposed to be a sign or something.
11:06Yeah, it's a sign that I'm going bald.
11:10It's a new tart. Come here, let me have a look.
11:12Come on, let me see.
11:14Well, what do you reckon?
11:16Well, let me put it this way, Rodney.
11:18If your head was a tyre, you'd fail the M.O.T.
11:22Bloody hell, I'm going bald.
11:24It might not be that, Rodney. You might have a touch of alopecia.
11:28I never thought of that, hunk.
11:30And there's me fretting, eh?
11:32My head's gonna look like a bloody egg.
11:36Get yourself a wig, son.
11:38Oh, yeah, I'm gonna look really cool, ain't I?
11:40Trying to pull a bird with a Davy Crockett out of me head.
11:46I'll answer that. It could be the phone.
11:50Hello? Oh, Brendan!
11:52M.I. Powell.
11:54So you got the message, then?
11:56What do you mean you've been trying to phone me all day?
12:00Well, what's wrong?
12:04Well, why don't you talk to him then?
12:06Go and persuade him.
12:08It's the architect. He's changed his mind.
12:10He wants Victorian panel doors now.
12:12Brendan, listen.
12:14Go and give him a few quid, eh?
12:16Bung him, eh?
12:18Well, beat him up, then.
12:22Well, I'll come down and beat him up for you, if you like.
12:24Brendan, look.
12:26I've got 166 Lowry doors in my garage.
12:28All my capital is tied up in them.
12:32I know we didn't sign a contract,
12:34but what am I supposed to do with them?
12:36And yours.
12:38I'll get you for this, Brendan.
12:40You just see if I don't...
12:42Oh, dear.
12:44Damn.
12:46Here they go. Look at all that.
12:48I knew everything was going too smoothly.
12:50All that money.
12:52Can't you take them back to the warehouse and swap them for panel doors?
12:54No, take them back to the warehouse.
12:56Oh, ha, ha, ha, ha.
13:00Yeah, why don't we just take them back and swap them?
13:04We can't take them back, can we, eh?
13:06We were well lucky to get them out without being caught.
13:08They were hooky?
13:10Oh, great, Derek.
13:12Cosmic.
13:14They were hooky Lowry doors, were they?
13:16Well, you didn't mention that small fact to me, did you?
13:18Well, weren't you just a teeny-weeny bit suspicious
13:20the way we collected them doors?
13:22Instead of driving into the warehouse and sort of loading up,
13:24Tommy Cummings was chucking them out the first floor window,
13:26weren't he, eh?
13:28Phil.
13:30What?
13:32You know that Denzel fella?
13:34Yeah.
13:36Yeah, five, why?
13:38I think it's just that five West Indian blokes
13:40just got out of a Rover.
13:48It's them!
13:50That is them, it's Denzel's brothers.
13:52Look at the size of them.
13:54What are you going to do, Dale?
13:56Oh, I ain't going to stay here, we'll just stay here.
13:58We'll stay here and if they want to cut up rough,
14:00we'll exchange punches, you know, like man to man.
14:02You're not including me in that, are you?
14:04Look at the size of them.
14:06They'll look even bigger when you get up here, Rodney.
14:08Yeah, well, don't worry, don't worry,
14:10listen, I'm going to explain, I'm going to...
14:12What we're going to do, we'll...
14:14I'll tell you, we can run for it!
14:16Come on, let's get out of here!
14:22What's he brought us here for?
14:24God knows.
14:26I don't like these places.
14:28They make me feel queasy.
14:30Oi, what's up with you two?
14:32I don't feel too well.
14:34How bad is he?
14:36I mean, is it worth our while taking him home?
14:38Oh, I ain't that good, Dale.
14:40Oh, good, well, you just sit back and enjoy yourself, then.
14:42Enjoy ourselves?
14:44Dale, we are two thousand pounds in debt,
14:46we have a garage load of hooky doors
14:48and a mob of irate Rastafarians after our blood,
14:50so what are we doing hanging around Mum's monument?
14:52Because I always come here
14:54in times of trouble, Rodney.
14:56Just come here and stand here
14:58and tell Mum my problems
15:00and somehow she always
15:02seems to provide an answer.
15:04She's never let me down yet.
15:06I mean, you take that time when you was done for the possession of cannabis.
15:08I just came here
15:10and I told Mum
15:12that her little baby was
15:14in trouble with the law
15:16and it was almost as if I could hear her voice
15:18saying to me,
15:20bribe the old Bill, Dale.
15:22And what happened?
15:24When the case came to court,
15:26the police could provide no evidence.
15:28You told me you got a
15:30two hundred and fifty quid fine and a suspended sentence.
15:32Yeah.
15:34Well, three days before the trial, this plonk
15:36pleaded guilty by post.
15:38Mum wasn't to know that, was she?
15:42Now don't worry, she'll come up with a
15:44solution to our financial plight.
15:46Come on, sit yourself down.
15:50Just relax, Rodders.
15:52Can I just
15:54look around Rodney?
15:56This thing.
15:58One day all us trotters will be here.
16:02Oh, I don't know about you.
16:04It's all right, Dale.
16:06I'm with the co-op.
16:08Yeah, back in the 60s,
16:10I bought us all a plonk.
16:12You know, I thought, well, land was going to be a good investment,
16:14wasn't it, eh?
16:16Can't go wrong, Dale.
16:18Gee, I'll be over there
16:20next to Mum
16:22and Grandad, well,
16:24he's already over in the
16:26gardens of external peace.
16:34Oh, yeah, you
16:36see, look, see right over there?
16:38Right over the back there?
16:40Yeah.
16:42Can you see the big pile of stinging nettles?
16:44Yeah.
16:46Right there.
16:48Under the stinging nettles?
16:50Am I going to be buried under a pile
16:52of stinging nettles? Am I going to bother you, Rodney,
16:54is it, because you're going to be brown bread?
16:56That's when his family come
16:58to pay their respect.
17:00Yeah, well, I'll have no family, will you, because I'll be over there next to Mum
17:02and you'll be picking up your divvies.
17:04He'll be married by then.
17:06How's his widow going to tend his grave
17:08when it's covered in stinging nettles?
17:10She'll have to buy herself a decent pair
17:12of gardening gloves, won't she?
17:14Think of it, I've got a
17:16beautiful pair of gardening gloves in the garage.
17:18They retail at 4.75
17:20normally. You can have them for a knicker.
17:22I don't want any
17:24gardening gloves.
17:26Charming, that, isn't it?
17:28Charming. Never a fault for the
17:30poor old missus. There she'll be, all
17:32swelling and blotches all over her hands, a poor
17:34little mare. I don't believe this
17:36conversation.
17:40In 35 seconds, you two have married
17:42me, buried me and given me widow
17:44skin trouble.
17:48Not if I can help it,
17:50uncle.
17:52I like looking into the future.
17:54I find it very reassuring to know that whatever happens
17:56down here in this mortal curl,
17:58that one day we'll all
18:00be together up there in heaven.
18:02Forever and ever, amen.
18:04Do you believe in all that heaven
18:06and what have you? Oh, yeah, it's true.
18:08I read it in a book.
18:10Dale?
18:12Yeah.
18:14Just think, Rodney, when you come through them
18:16pearly gates all, like
18:18clouds and things,
18:20the first face that you will see
18:22will be mine.
18:24Yeah, that's cosmic. Dale?
18:26Your mum'll be there as well.
18:28Oh, yeah, mum'll be there.
18:30She'll be wanting to see Rodney,
18:32her little wonder baby.
18:34She always used to call him that, you know, because she wondered
18:36how the hell he happened.
18:38Derek?
18:40I suppose your dad might be up there
18:42as well, eh? Oh, I hope so. I do
18:44hope so, uncle. Can't wait to get my
18:46hands on that old git. I'll give him such a
18:48whack with my harp he won't know whether it's Good
18:50Friday or Bonfire.
18:52Dale, will you stop
18:54rabbiting for one minute and come over here?
18:56Oh, good
18:58Bennett. What's the matter
19:00with you now, eh?
19:02Look over there.
19:04Where? Just by them clouds.
19:06It's like that
19:08butterfly thing from Rodney's magazine.
19:10It's because it is that
19:12butterfly thing from my magazine.
19:14Don't leave it out to you, Wally. What, that thing over there
19:16is worth three thousand pounds?
19:18Never.
19:20What?
19:24It is.
19:26It is that and all.
19:28If we could
19:30capture that, all our problems
19:32would be over.
19:34I told you two, didn't I? Didn't I tell you two that
19:36mum would come up trumps? Yeah, let's get it.
19:38No, no. Be careful. Take your time. Take your time.
19:40We've got to do this
19:42the way the professionals are doing.
19:44What do you mean? We've got to jump over
19:46things and skid around the van?
19:50I don't mean Bodian Bleeding
19:52Doyle, you stupid old git.
19:54Professional
19:56butterfly catchers.
19:58Albert. Yes, Dale?
20:00Kiss your ass.
20:04Derek.
20:06What?
20:08Some respect.
20:10Sorry.
20:24It's gone quick, Rodney.
20:26Get after it. Go on.
20:28Quick.
20:30Where's it go?
20:32Left. No, left.
20:34Where is it?
20:50Careful, Dale.
20:52Take it nice and easy.
20:56Yes, yes.
20:58Thank you, Rodney.
21:08Because you could slip and kill yourself
21:10as easy as anything.
21:14I know, I know.
21:16Rodney.
21:28Now!
21:38Well, come on, Den.
21:40He's getting away.
21:43Things I do for money.
21:57Where is he?
21:59He's out there on that lily pad.
22:06Well, we can't leave him out here, can we?
22:08Well, what do you want to do, then?
22:10Join the Coast Guards.
22:12A bloody great pike can come up and have him for his supper.
22:16No one of us is going to have to go and get him.
22:18Come on, Rodney. I'll hold your shoes.
22:20I ain't going in there.
22:22This is no time for second thoughts.
22:26That is not a butterfly out there.
22:28That is Denzil's money.
22:30So how come I've got to go in and get it?
22:32Because I'm not a very good swimmer.
22:34Nor am I.
22:36I know, but you're taller than me, ain't ya?
22:38It's going to take you longer to drown.
22:40It's only shallow.
22:42How shallow?
22:44Well, I don't know. Do I?
22:46Get in and see.
22:56What's Rodney doing?
22:58I don't know. It's a backstroke, I think.
23:02Our three grand, you see.
23:04He's out there on that lily pad.
23:06I begged him not to go in.
23:08What are you wearing here? This is right up your street, this, isn't it?
23:10I can't swim, Dale.
23:12You used to be a sailor.
23:14Don't mean a thing. Nelson couldn't swim.
23:18Of course he couldn't. He'd only got one bloody arm.
23:22He wouldn't go round in circles, wouldn't he?
23:26There you are, Rodney. See? Not as bad as you thought, is he?
23:28You pushed me!
23:30I did not. I did not push you. I just gave you a little bit of encouragement.
23:32Anyway, come on, Rod. You're in now.
23:34I'm getting out now.
23:36Just a minute, just a minute.
23:40Look, ten yards from you
23:42is one of the rarest,
23:44most beautifullest of God's
23:46little tiny creatures.
23:48And then what? He's in that magazine of yours.
23:50He's going to give us three grand for it.
23:52I don't care, Eric. I'm still getting out.
23:54We give Denzel back his two grand
23:56and there's a grand in it for ourselves.
23:58I thought you said you'd give Denzel three grand.
24:00It's funny, that.
24:02Denzel thought I said that, didn't he?
24:04God knows.
24:06Everyone's a winner, aren't they?
24:12Nice and gently, Rodney.
24:14Shut up.
24:18Easy now.
24:20Don't splash.
24:22Go slowly. Don't disturb it.
24:26And there you go.
24:32Got it?
24:34Good boy, good boy. Come on.
24:38I better get a cold
24:40next week now.
24:42Shut up, you tar.
24:44This water will make my hair go frizzy.
24:46Don't worry, the alopecia will soon cure that.
24:50Oh, careful.
24:52Rodney, just remember,
24:54if you get into difficulties,
24:56save the butterfly.
24:58Stuff the butterfly?
25:00Hey, stop that.
25:02There are very few of them things left in the world.
25:04There are millions of you.
25:06Nice and easy, Rodney. Almost there.
25:12Careful, careful.
25:14Got it, got it.
25:18Is he all right, Dil?
25:20He's a bit wet, but he'll survive.
25:26The old sun will soon dry you out, won't it?
25:28Then I'm going to take you down
25:30to the nice man
25:32who's going to give your Uncle Deli Wellie
25:34free lovely grain.
25:38Stenzel, I've got your mummy.
25:40Great.
25:42See you down the pub later.
25:44LAUGHTER
25:58Is that mess in your head?
26:00Yeah, it used to be a butterfly, Rodney.
26:04A butterfly?
26:06It didn't...
26:08Not when Stenzel...
26:10And...
26:14Well, what a plonker.
26:18So what do we do now?
26:28Well, ladies and gentlemen,
26:30how would you like to become the proud owners
26:32of a set of lovely dogs?