Оnlу Fооls & Ноrsеs S05 Е03 - The Longest Night
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00:00It's £29.48.
00:03Sorry?
00:06£29.48.
00:09Did you sue them?
00:12Who?
00:15The Charms School.
00:18Here we are.
00:21Miserable little cow.
00:24Yeah, you're right.
00:27We won't come here again.
00:30In the future, we will take our custom down to Patel's Multimart.
00:33They may be a bit dearer, but at least they smile when they take your money.
00:36Rodney, what is the matter with you?
00:39We'll see in a minute.
00:42You've whacked me straight in the shins with that shopping trolley.
00:45I couldn't help it. That trolley had a mind of its own.
00:48You were saying it's intellectually superior to you, is that it?
00:51Don't get snarky, Rodney. It don't become you.
00:54All right, you can pack it in, will you?
00:57Excuse me.
01:00Tom Clark, Top Bar Superstores.
01:03I wonder if I could have five minutes of your time, please?
01:06Certainly, Tom. Why, what's happening?
01:09If you'd like to accompany me to the manager's office, I'll explain there.
01:12Just a minute. What is your...
01:15What?
01:18Oh, yes.
01:21Oh, thanks a lot, yeah.
01:28Yes. Yes.
01:31Yes.
01:34But, Valerie, darling, listen to me for a moment.
01:37Why do you want to buy a brand-new car?
01:40I'm sorry I snapped at you back there, but I'm trying to give up smoking.
01:43It's all right, son. Forget it.
01:46I wonder which one of us it is.
01:50Well, it's got to be me, hasn't it? Cos I paid for it all, didn't I?
01:53I gave you my house, KP. I gave you half my pension.
01:56All right, all right. Don't go on about it.
01:59We'll share that money fairly. Just leave it to me, Rodney.
02:02No, we'll share it fairly.
02:05Look, I can't talk now. Somebody's coming to the office.
02:08I'm not quite sure what time I'll be home, darling.
02:11You're not cooking anything special, are you?
02:14Yes, my favourite.
02:18Bye. The wife.
02:21Booze.
02:24Well, Tom, what's it all about?
02:27I stopped these gentlemen as they were leaving the store, sir,
02:30because I have reason to believe they have some stolen items in their position.
02:33Stolen items?
02:36What are you on about? We paid for these groceries.
02:39That's right. 29 pounds, 48 pence. You asked a girl at the checkout.
02:42They came quietly, sir. It's usually a sign of guilt.
02:46That's all right, Tom. Leave it with me. And well done.
02:49Thank you, sir.
02:55Oh, that's it. Come on, let's go.
02:58Gentlemen, if I press this button, security will be waiting for you outside the door.
03:04And it might appear to a magistrate that you were trying to evade arrest.
03:07Now, wait a minute. We paid for all these goods and we've got a bill to prove it.
03:10Ah, yes, and we've got a bill to prove it.
03:14What? A bill? I ain't got it.
03:17Of course you must. One of us must. Don't look at me. I never even saw it.
03:20Yes, you did, because I paid for it.
03:23Actually, we haven't got a bill. What a shame.
03:26Gentlemen, there are two ways of handling this unfortunate situation.
03:29One, we can remain here in this office and discuss it like civilised people.
03:34Or two, I can call the police.
03:37Why don't you talk it over amongst yourselves while I carry on with this?
03:41Yeah, there must be some way we can prove we paid for all this.
03:44There most probably is, Albert.
03:46But what happens if the old bill starts asking questions about all my gear, right, and Rodney's watch?
03:50Yeah, I suppose you're right.
03:52You mean my watch is not tops?
03:58Listen, it's all right, love. It's not up to us to prove our innocence, right?
04:01It's up to them to prove our guilt. So all we've got to do is to say nothing at all, right?
04:04Yeah.
04:05Just keep shtum. We'll be out of here in ten minutes flat, all right?
04:08We'll be out of here in ten minutes flat, all right?
04:23Hello, there. How are you?
04:25I'm very well, thank you.
04:27Nice weather for this time of year, isn't it?
04:29Yes, it is, yes.
04:32Sunday, Saturday...
04:39Oh! Allow me.
04:42Oh, this is so kind.
04:44That's very reasonable, isn't it?
04:46I'll see you like that soon.
04:50You take care now.
05:08Oh!
05:24It's all right, Sheila. I've seen him.
05:27Leave it to me.
05:38Twenty Rothmans and a box of matches, please, love.
05:41That's £1.46, please.
05:43Put it on my account. You take care now.
05:47You get back here with that stuff!
05:51All right, son. This is in your fun and games.
05:54What have I done?
05:56Oh, no. Don't tell me. I haven't paid for these, have I?
06:00Haven't paid for... Get back in there. You're nicked.
06:03No, no. I've this problem, you see. Memory blanks.
06:07Get in there!
06:10Listen to me, man. The other day, I went into Woolworths.
06:13When I got home, I had a pair of binoculars,
06:1512 packs of Strepsils
06:17and a roof rack for a Cortina.
06:19And I didn't know!
06:21You tell that to the manager. You're going up to the office.
06:23Please, man. I'll go away for this.
06:25Look, I've only just come out.
06:26You should have thought about that before. Come on, up to the office.
06:28Oh, please, man. Don't take me up to the office.
06:30Look, give me a break, will you?
06:32I'll give you a break if you keep on. Come on.
06:34Look, please, don't take me up to the office, man.
06:36I'm not up to the office!
06:45That's a very nasty habit you've got there, you know.
06:47You could lose your teeth doing that.
06:49Yeah? How would you know that?
06:51Because I'm going to ram my fist right down your throat.
06:54Oi, oi, oi, oi, oi.
06:56You know, Rodney's given me the right arm. He really is.
06:59Don't take me to the office, man. Don't!
07:02There's another one for you, Mr Bootham.
07:05I'm not the safe!
07:07Oh, I can't trust him, he's in!
07:11Who are they?
07:12They're here on suspicion of shoplifting.
07:14Move. Move!
07:20Ain't I seen you somewhere before?
07:22No, no, no, no, no. I ain't been anywhere before, have I, Rodney?
07:25No, no, no, no. He stays at home all the time.
07:29God, I'm not the safe!
07:31Yes, of course.
07:34I'm the right villain, I am.
07:37A real hard nut.
07:39Yes, yes.
07:41Oi, what's with the hands in the air?
07:43You've got a gun in your other hand, haven't you?
07:45Come on, let's not be formal. Put them down.
07:47Do you know the secret of my success?
07:49No, no.
07:50Planning.
07:51No detail is left unturned.
07:53No stone unchecked.
07:55I'll plan everything down to the last second.
07:58Excuse me.
07:59I'm terribly sorry, but I can't open the safe.
08:02What's he say to me?
08:04Come on, don't be a pretzer.
08:06Open the safe for the last man.
08:08I can't open it. The combination won't work.
08:10What's the time?
08:11It's about twenty past five.
08:13Now it's quarter past six.
08:15Bloody watch!
08:17It's always going wrong.
08:19Me mum only bought it for me a month ago down the market.
08:23I didn't realise it was that late.
08:26I won't be able to open the safe.
08:29You see, it's fitted with a time lock which comes into operation at six o'clock.
08:32Is this true?
08:34Yeah, I'm sorry, son. You're fifteen minutes late.
08:36Bloody watch!
08:38So when does it switch off?
08:41Tomorrow at eight a.m.
08:43Oh, great.
08:45Well, thank you very much.
08:47So what am I supposed to do now?
08:49Can't you come back first thing in the morning?
08:52No, I can't.
08:54I have got other things to do, you know.
08:59Oh, well.
09:01I suppose there's nothing else for it.
09:06We'll have to wait, eh?
09:08Wait?
09:09Wait!
09:10What are you talking about?
09:11But that's fourteen hours, isn't it?
09:13Look, I don't want to stay in here any more than what you do.
09:16But have you any idea how much is in that safe?
09:18About sixty grand.
09:20You're kidding!
09:24I'm afraid not.
09:25Friday is our busiest day.
09:28See? Planning.
09:32Well, let's all settle down now.
09:34It's only fourteen hours.
09:36It'll soon go.
09:38Sit down!
09:40I mean, I had a date tonight, too,
09:42with that croupier bird from the One Eleven club.
09:45Charming sort.
09:46She's well-spoken.
09:47Called on Blue Cook.
09:48Buzzer business.
09:51Months before I have another crack at her.
09:53Yeah, I am well choked for you, aren't I?
10:10Ah!
10:15Got any cigars on you?
10:16No, no, no.
10:17I smoked the last one about an hour ago.
10:19Anyway.
10:20This will help you to pack it up, won't it, eh?
10:22Oh, yeah.
10:23Gun up your heads.
10:24Just the sort of incentive you need, eh?
10:28He ain't going to hurt no one.
10:30He's just a kid trying to get some money.
10:32He's more frightened than us.
10:34Oh, bless him.
10:40Are you still there, son?
10:43Yeah.
10:44What do you want?
10:45Just wondering about if we could have some lights on,
10:47like, you know, see what we was up to, you know what I mean?
10:50But passers-by might see the light.
10:53No, no, not if you pull the blind, right?
10:55Oh, yeah.
10:56OK, I want you to do exactly as I say.
11:00Anything you say, son, you're the boss.
11:02I want you to switch that light on,
11:04then pull them blinds down.
11:05No, no, no, no.
11:06What you want to do is you want to pull the blind,
11:08then switch on the light.
11:10Oh, yeah.
11:11Thanks.
11:12Right, I want you to pull them blinds and then switch that...
11:15Yes, yes, I think I've got it.
11:27Do you know how the police have nicknamed me?
11:30I've got a shrewd idea, but no use.
11:33I'm known as the Shadow, because I'm fast and fleeting.
11:38I come and I go and no-one knows.
11:41Come and go, do you?
11:42It's going to take you 14 bleeding hours to come and go in here.
11:45There's no epidemics come and go quicker than you.
11:48Look, I didn't know that safe was on a time lock.
11:51No.
11:52I'm a man of mystery, me.
11:54A master of disguises.
11:56The man with 1,000 faces.
11:58Do you remember the story of the man with 1,000 faces?
12:01Do you remember the Scarlet Pimpton Elf?
12:04It weren't you, was it?
12:08Nah.
12:09But I'm like him.
12:11They seek him here, they seek him there.
12:15Those policemen seek him everywhere.
12:18Is he in heaven or is he in hell?
12:21That damn, elusive Shadow.
12:24Shadow.
12:30Oh, it's very good, very, very good there, yeah.
12:33So the police are looking for the Shadow, then, are they?
12:36They'll never catch him.
12:37No, no, but I bet Hank Marvin's had a few tugs, though, hasn't he?
12:43What's that?
12:44It's the phone.
12:45I know it's the phone, I ain't stupid, I mean, who is it?
12:48Well, it's a little difficult to tell.
12:52You'd better let him answer it, son, it might be his wife.
12:55Oh, yeah, she's got entrecote Rioja.
12:59Ah, I'm sorry to hear that.
13:01Well, go on, then, find out how she is.
13:03Yes.
13:04Peterson.
13:06It's security.
13:07They're just about to shut up.
13:09Yes, you can switch the alarm system on.
13:11Oi, oi, oi, oi, oi.
13:12Well, I'm the head of security.
13:15Yes, you can switch the alarm system on.
13:17Yes.
13:19There you are, you see, everything's all right now.
13:21Yeah?
13:22You don't mind if I double-check, do you?
13:26He's becoming more nervous and agitated.
13:28Danger signs in a situation like this.
13:31I told you he'd be all right.
13:33Be as good as gold as long as we don't upset him, he's just a kid.
13:36That's what makes him dangerous.
13:39A nervous kid, air trigger, put them together.
13:44You're a cheerful old bar, aren't you?
13:48One of us has got to create a distraction
13:51so that the other two can grapple with him and disarm him.
13:54What are you whispering about?
13:55It's all right, all right, son, I think it's all right, all right.
13:57No, no problem.
13:58Do you mind if I stand up a bit and walk around?
14:01Why?
14:02Er, I've got a bit of cramp in me leg.
14:05Go on, then.
14:07No sudden movements, though.
14:09Sudden movements, him?
14:11The closest he gets to a sudden movement
14:13is when he wipes the cobwebs off his head.
14:16Ooh.
14:21Ooh.
14:22That's better.
14:24That's better.
14:25Oh! Oh!
14:27Oh!
14:28Oh!
14:46HE COUGHS
15:04Have you got any tobacco on you?
15:16LAUGHTER
15:26What's that noise?
15:28Weren't me.
15:31It's the staff arriving.
15:33What time's your opening?
15:348.30.
15:35Oh, God.
15:36We've been here 13 and a half hours.
15:38About time to fly when you're in good company.
15:41We've got a flight to go and it'll all be over.
15:43Yes.
15:44Your old Shadow's looking pretty knackered, isn't he?
15:47Yeah, well, with proper training,
15:49you can condition your body to do without sleep.
15:51I learned that out in Kenya.
15:53What, you've got a branch out there, then?
15:55No.
15:56When I was younger, I did a bit of travelling.
15:58Ended up doing five years with the Kenyan police force.
16:01I was out there during the trouble with the Mau Mau.
16:03He's too young to know what that means.
16:05He most probably thinks the Mau Mau's the African post office.
16:08Modern history at school, didn't we, Murphy?
16:11Judging by all them ribbons,
16:12you must have seen a bit of action, Albert.
16:14Yeah, I was in the Navy, Royal and Merchant.
16:17I've seen things that'll make your teeth itch,
16:20but I never talk about them.
16:23Sharks. Don't talk to me about sharks.
16:26I've seen them before.
16:28Monsters, they were.
16:30Yeah, he thinks that Jaws was a sticklebacker.
16:36Oi, Rodney,
16:37how do you think you're playing at?
16:39Rodney, come back and sit down, son.
16:41Don't do anything rash, son. It's not worth it.
16:44I've got six and only 30 minutes to go.
16:46Look.
17:08You pelonka!
17:12What are you doing?
17:13Nothing. I just fancied a fag, that's all.
17:16Well, why didn't you ask me?
17:18There's no need to steal.
17:22Sorry.
17:24What was that?
17:25It's the staff arriving.
17:27They start early, don't they? Quarter past four?
17:29It's half past seven!
17:31Bloody watch!
17:36So, only half an hour to go.
17:40It's sad, really.
17:41We might never meet again.
17:43Could always hold a reunion next year, if you like.
17:48I remember who you are now.
17:50It's all right, son. You can have a full rebate.
17:53No problem. It's all right.
17:55You're... What is it?
17:57Don't tell me. Tell.
17:59Yeah.
18:00Del. Del Trotter, right?
18:03Don't you recognise me?
18:05You're the Master of Disguise, aren't you?
18:08Do you remember Rosanna Gilby, West Indian lady?
18:11Lives down Clutter Road.
18:12Years ago.
18:13Used to come round on the weekly and that, selling shoes, Del.
18:17Yes, I remember.
18:19And that was you.
18:21Don't you remember her little boy?
18:24A little... No, no, you're not.
18:26You're not little, little Lennox.
18:28That's what it's been, Lennox Gilby.
18:30Lennox Gilby, I don't believe it.
18:32You're so neat.
18:33The last time I saw you, you was about that height.
18:37Doesn't time fly, eh?
18:38Yeah.
18:39So what are you doing with yourself now?
18:42Oh, well, I'm on the dole, Del.
18:44Oh, yeah? How's your mum?
18:45Oh, she's all right. Suffers from her feet a bit, but...
18:48Yeah, well, she could.
18:49Hang about. I remember your mum.
18:52I remember very straight lady, proud churchgoer and all that.
18:56Yeah. She won't know nothing about this, Del.
18:59Oh, no?
19:00How are you going to explain away £60,000 then, eh?
19:03Christmas bonus from the job centre.
19:05Listen, Lennox, there are millions of people out there in the same boat as you,
19:08but they don't go around robbing everyone.
19:10Look, I haven't had a job right in six years.
19:12Well, nor has Rodney.
19:14I've got no future.
19:16Nor has Rodney.
19:18Look, I haven't done a day's work since I left school, Del.
19:21It's a tough old world, Lennox.
19:24It's a tough world.
19:25It doesn't give you the right to go around pointing guns at people.
19:28That thing is going to put you in prison.
19:30Nah, I'm too shrewd.
19:31Oh, you're shrewd, aren't you? Very shrewd.
19:33Yeah.
19:34Yeah, that's right.
19:35An hour ago, you were the shadow, right, man of mystery.
19:37Now we know your name, your address and your mum's shoe size.
19:41Come on, Lennox, give it up now before it's too late, eh?
19:45That gun doesn't suit you.
19:47In 20 minutes, Del, I'll be rich.
19:50And in 30 minutes, you're going to be banged up.
19:52I'll tell you why, shall I?
19:54Let's just review the situation for a second, right?
19:57All the staff have arrived, right?
19:59They've started to work out there.
20:01Now, you've got to walk through them, haven't you?
20:03They're all out there, the shelf backers, the porters, the cleaners, security people.
20:08The shop doesn't open till half past eight, right?
20:11Now, in order to get out, you've got to go up,
20:13ask one of them to go and get the keys to let you out.
20:16Before you can say, please snipe me,
20:18there'd be more lead flying about than a frightened scrapyard.
20:21Yeah, you'd never reach your getaway car.
20:24Getaway car.
20:26I know that's something.
20:30Hey, look, Del, I didn't want to go through with this, all right?
20:33I just got... I just got a bit desperate, mate.
20:35It's all right. All right, I know, son, I know.
20:37And the police didn't really nickname me The Shadow.
20:40I'm not known by the police.
20:42I've never done anything like this before.
20:44Listen to me. Now, listen.
20:47Now, come on, you give it up, eh?
20:49Give it up before it's too late.
20:51I'll tell you what I'll do.
20:53I'll come down the court with you and I'll speak for you, eh?
20:57You said it would be easy!
20:59Shut up, you fool!
21:00I've been set up for this, Del.
21:02You? You and Lennox?
21:05He said I'll just walk out with the money.
21:07And you could have if you'd been here at five o'clock as arranged.
21:09Well, that's it, that's it, innit? Of course it is.
21:11It's been worrying me all night, this has. All night.
21:13I mean, it's like, how did Lennox know so much about this place?
21:16How did he know there was all that money here in the safe and where it was?
21:19You must believe me. I didn't do it purely for the money.
21:22What did you do it for, then?
21:24Well, all right, I did do it for the money.
21:27But it was simply to pay off my debts.
21:29You see, I have a wife whose hobby is spending.
21:33£12,000 for a solarium.
21:36£15,000 for a swimming pool.
21:39And now she's got estimates on a marble-tiled gazebo.
21:43God, we only live in a semi.
21:47Couldn't you seek professional help?
21:50You mean a psychiatrist?
21:51No, I mean a hitman.
21:53No, I couldn't afford it.
21:55This seemed the only way out.
21:56But how did you two ever meet?
21:58I mean, I can't imagine Lennox at the Young Tories ball,
22:01and, well, you wouldn't go down a bomb at a ram-jam club, would you?
22:04Lennox came here last year, looking for a job.
22:06Then we bumped into each other a couple of months ago in court.
22:09I'd been summonsed for failure to maintain the repayments on a hard-purchase agreement
22:13that had been signed by my wife, the fat, greedy cow.
22:16I was there on an attempted wounding case.
22:19I weren't the accused, though. I was the victim.
22:22Anyway, me and Mr Peterson got chatting, and the whole thing started from there.
22:26Did he supply you with a gun?
22:28Oh, no. He did.
22:33Shambusi nuva.
22:35Oh, dear.
22:37Would you? Adam and Eve, eh?
22:39Dixon of Kuala Lumpur is involved.
22:43Yeah, that's right. The three of us planned it.
22:45And I want you to know I did it purely for the money.
22:47I bet you did.
22:48I retire in a couple of months, Tom,
22:49and you should have seen the clammy pension this firm was offering me.
22:52I was going to get less than Duncan Goodyear's barber.
22:56We needed Tom in with us for his police experience.
22:58He told us what to do, how to make the robbery look genuine.
23:01So where do we fit into all this?
23:03Well, it would have looked a bit dodgy, wouldn't it?
23:05If the only witnesses to a 60 grand robbery was the store manager and the head of security,
23:09now what we wanted was some independent witnesses.
23:11Oh, I see. So that is why you pulled us in.
23:1614 hours just to provide you with an alibi.
23:21God, well, I'll... Just a minute.
23:24Give us that. Give me that here.
23:25Look, where did you get this?
23:27Out of our toy department.
23:28God, yeah.
23:29I wondered how long Taiwan had been making lugers.
23:33So what happens now?
23:35Are you going to the police?
23:38No.
23:39I'm going to phone them instead.
23:41No, no, no. Wait, wait, wait.
23:42Don't panic, don't panic. Just winding you up.
23:45You are a wally, Lennox.
23:48Sorry, Del.
23:49What is your mum going to say?
23:51Eh?
23:52Anyway, listen, there's no real arm done, right?
23:55No one's got hurt, nothing has been nicked.
23:58Now, listen.
23:59It's me, Lennox. You're after a job, right?
24:01I've been after one ever since I left school, Del.
24:03Yeah, well, I happen to know where there's one going and I'm well in with the governor.
24:06You're kidding.
24:07No.
24:08Do you reckon he'd swing it for me, Del?
24:09Well, I reckon so. Mind you, the job does not come available until...
24:11When do you retire, Tom?
24:13Well, in working here, it's security.
24:15Can you think of anyone better?
24:17You know exactly who to keep his eye on.
24:19That's right. Well, tell me.
24:20I mean, what do you prefer?
24:21Young Lennox or old Bill?
24:25Welcome to the firm, Lennox.
24:27I've still got a uniform to show you duties.
24:30That's it. Right, Rodney, come on.
24:31Albert, come on. We're going. We're leaving.
24:33Let's get out of here.
24:34Oh, dear.
24:35This lot's going to have to go straight in the fridge when we get home.
24:39Here, Lennox, save you buying a truncheon, wouldn't it, eh?
24:42Actually, Mr Peterson, I'm coming back to your shop this afternoon.
24:45Why?
24:46Because I've got this funny feeling that I am going to be your millionth customer.
24:49What do you think?
24:51I have exactly the same feeling.
24:53You know it makes sense, don't you?