Оnlу Fооls & Ноrsеs S04 Е01 - Happy Returns
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Short filmTranscript
00:00Hi, Debbie.
00:02Hello, Rodney.
00:08Hello, Rodney.
00:10Shut up, will you?
00:12Hello, darling.
00:14Been up to the hospital, love?
00:16Yeah, we just come back from there now.
00:18How is he?
00:20Ah, moaning.
00:22Doctor's been trying to take his hat off,
00:24but he wouldn't have none of it.
00:26Gave him an X-ray yesterday,
00:28and they found out he got a pulled ligament in the wallet
00:30and a severe fraying of the trilby.
00:34Give him my love.
00:36He ain't up to nothing like that, eh?
00:48This is awkward.
00:50What is?
00:52I wanted to buy one of my adult art magazines.
00:58We've been serving.
01:02What?
01:04We've been seeing each other, sort of thing.
01:06But she might think I'm odd.
01:08She'll find out sometime.
01:12Get it for us, would you, Dil?
01:16All right, all right, Rodney.
01:18Cheers, love, you're a pal.
01:22Here you are, darling.
01:24Give me one of your dirty magazines, darling, will you?
01:26Yeah, which one do you want?
01:28Which one do you want, Rodney?
01:36What one do you want, Rodney?
01:40I wish I'd had my Polaroid with me.
01:42Should've seen your face.
01:44You've embarrassed me.
01:46I've embarrassed you?
01:48Oh, it's all right for some bird to think I'm a perv,
01:50though, is it?
01:52You ain't taking her out, are you?
01:54Dunno, I ain't made my mind up yet.
01:56Listen to him, will you?
02:02Oi, oi!
02:04Hey, what's your game, eh?
02:06My mum says she's gonna kill me.
02:08Well, she won't need to, will she?
02:10You running across the road like that?
02:12No. Haven't you ever heard of the Green Cross Code?
02:14I'm gonna be killing her, mate.
02:16No, you're not.
02:18She's not gonna kill you.
02:20She said she was.
02:22Lots of things I don't mean, don't they?
02:24Here, I'll tell you what.
02:28Here, go and get yourself an ice cream.
02:30The pack is on the floor.
02:32Oh, thanks, mister.
02:34What about my brother?
02:36Who's that?
02:38It's your brother, is it?
02:40Is it?
02:42They're gonna go in one and all, aren't they?
02:44Oh, Tom, mister.
02:46Oi, just a minute.
02:48What was your mum telling you off?
02:51Watch out!
02:53I'll kill you!
02:55Bloody hell, Del, look at that.
03:02Sure are little scallywags round here, aren't they?
03:04It's nothing to laugh at, Del.
03:06I mean, look at it.
03:08I know only kids, though, aren't they?
03:10I used to do the same sort of thing when I was a nipper.
03:12I remember me and Albie Littlewood,
03:15we let a couple of tyres down once.
03:17Should have seen the palaver it caused.
03:20Everyone had to get off the bus.
03:24Those were the days.
03:26Still, I'll go round the garage and get the foot pump for you.
03:29Yeah, right.
03:31Oi, hold on.
03:33What do you mean, you'll get me the foot pump?
03:37You're getting independent, aren't you?
03:40All right, go and get your own foot pump.
03:43I like it.
03:49LAUGHTER
04:19BELL RINGS
04:44Hello, champ.
04:46What you doing?
04:48Running away from home.
04:50Running away from home, are you?
04:53You haven't got very far, have you?
04:55My mum says I mustn't cross the road.
05:00I reckon that's a difficult thing, isn't it?
05:05Where's your brother?
05:07His dad said he has to go in.
05:10LAUGHTER
05:14Well, I reckon that's the best place for you to go and all, don't you?
05:18She'll kill me.
05:20No, she won't.
05:22Listen, they were my tyres that you let down, weren't they?
05:26So I'll come home with you and I'll tell your mum
05:29that I asked you to let my tyres down
05:32because I wanted to see how long it would take my brother
05:35to pump them back up again.
05:37How's that, then?
05:39All right, then.
05:41Yeah, good boy. See?
05:43You know it made sense.
05:46Go on, then.
05:48You'd better get in
05:50because the bogeyman will be coming soon.
05:53I've seen the bogeyman.
05:55Have you?
05:57What's he look like?
05:59He's got a funny old hat and wears pyjamas under his neck.
06:02He's not a bogeyman, that's my granddad.
06:04LAUGHTER
06:07Come on, then. Is this it? Is this your house?
06:09Yes.
06:10Right. Now, don't you worry.
06:12She'll be as sweet as a nut, I guarantee.
06:14Stay here.
06:17Where have you been?
06:19I was just about to call the police.
06:21Look at the state of you.
06:23Go and put your pyjamas on.
06:25I'll see to you in a minute.
06:27Does that go for me and all?
06:29You what?
06:30Dale!
06:31God, I don't believe it.
06:33Do you, really? How are you going?
06:35Oh, I'm fine.
06:37Oh, great.
06:39You don't still live on the estate, do you?
06:41Well, yeah, over the way there.
06:43You know, Nelson Mandela House.
06:45When did you move in here?
06:47Six weeks ago.
06:48Don't stand out there.
06:50People will think you're the tallyman.
06:52Right.
06:53Hang about. What about the old man?
06:55He's gone away for a bit.
06:57Gone away for a bit?
06:59Anyone we know?
07:02He's sounder already.
07:04Didn't even want a bedtime story tonight.
07:07He's a little scallywag, isn't he?
07:09Oh, he's a right handful.
07:11Do you know what he did today?
07:13No.
07:14He only let the tyres down on some crappy old three-wheeler.
07:17Oh, yeah.
07:19I think he misses his dad.
07:21Yeah, I used to miss my dad.
07:23Till I learnt to punch straight.
07:25What's the old man get out?
07:27Oh, he's not in prison, Dale.
07:29No, he works on an oil rig.
07:31Oh, I see.
07:32When do you expect getting back, then?
07:34About six months, if he keeps his nose clean.
07:38I'd have popped over and seen you.
07:40But I didn't think for one minute you'd still be living here.
07:43Do you remember what you used to say to me all those years ago?
07:47I can remember quite a lot of funny things I used to say to you.
07:50I don't mean that.
07:52You used to say,
07:53this time next year I'll be a millionaire.
07:56Did I?
07:59What a woolly.
08:03We were much younger then, weren't we?
08:05Anything seemed possible in them days.
08:07How long ago was it that you and I stopped seeing each other?
08:11Must be 19 years now.
08:1419? 19 years?
08:16It is longer than that, in fact.
08:19We broke up in September 1965,
08:22just after Albie Littlewood's funeral.
08:25That's right.
08:27Yeah, that's right.
08:28Cool, we were a right little team up to them, weren't we?
08:30Oh, what the famous four.
08:32You and me, Albie, and...
08:34What was his girlfriend's name?
08:36It was Deirdre.
08:37That's it, Deirdre.
08:38Deirdre, yeah.
08:40You know, I often wondered what would have happened
08:42if he hadn't been coming over to see me that night.
08:45You know, if he hadn't taken a shortcut across the railway line.
08:50You know, if his bike hadn't accidentally fallen on the live rail.
08:55I mean, what's the point of talking about ifs?
08:57If me brother had been a bird, he would have been me sister, wouldn't he, eh?
09:01Oh, you had a kid brother.
09:03Rodney. How is he?
09:05Oh, he's all right, all right.
09:06He's just reached that awkward age, you know.
09:08He's a bit like a trifle.
09:09What do you mean, mixed up?
09:11No, no, he's thick and fruity.
09:15Oh, and what about your grandad?
09:17Oh, grandad, well, he's not too fit at the moment.
09:20He's laid up in thought, but I sometimes think, you know,
09:23given half the chance, he could be thick and fruity and all.
09:26I take it you never got married?
09:28Eh? Me? No, no, no, no.
09:30No, I just get engaged.
09:32Yeah, talking about that, you've still got my engagement ring.
09:35Yeah. You don't want it back, do you?
09:38No, no, no, no, no.
09:40No, I was just, you know, I was just wondering, that's all.
09:42No, I was just wondering, like, cos, you know,
09:44I could always whip over home and get me Sheena Eastern LP, if you like.
09:50There's not much point.
09:52I haven't got a record player.
09:54Oh, I'll have to keep me eye open for one for you then, won't I, eh?
09:58Oh.
09:59You, er, don't worry, you leave it to me, all right?
10:01Oh, Dale.
10:04Oh.
10:05PHONE RINGS
10:06Oh.
10:08Here, Dale, help yourself to a drink.
10:11Oh, yeah, yeah. Thanks, Jenny.
10:14Wait.
10:17Oh, come in, love.
10:20It's all right, friend of my daughter's.
10:24Babes, it's for you.
10:26She's got that bloody radio on again.
10:29She'll wake Jason.
10:49Oh, my God.
11:20You little plonker.
11:25What are you doing here?
11:27What am I doing? What are you doing here?
11:29Well, this is where Debbie lives, innit, that bird from the pub?
11:32Here, you're not trying to...
11:34No, I am not.
11:35I'm a friend of her mum's.
11:37Yeah? When did you meet her, then?
11:39It's 1964.
11:42What, you've only just come out of jail?
11:46No, I was engaged to her, soppy.
11:49What, another one?
11:51Stone me, though.
11:53You've been engaged more times than a switchboard, haven't you?
11:56Why don't you start getting lippy?
11:58I don't know what you brought that round for,
12:00cos I ain't got a record player.
12:02It's all right, I ain't got a record.
12:05You are a saucy little git, you really...
12:07Oi, I got one of those at home on a sideboard.
12:11Yeah, all right, well, I'll get you another one tomorrow, all right?
12:14Yeah, she'll make you better at it.
12:16Oh, Dooney.
12:17Do.
12:18Well, you'll never guess who that is.
12:20That is little Rodney.
12:22You're kidding.
12:23No, I'm not, straight up.
12:24I don't believe it.
12:26The last time I saw you, you were about that high.
12:29How old was he, Del?
12:30Hmm? Then? About two and a half.
12:36Anyway, it's very nice to meet you again, Rodney.
12:39Ain't you?
12:41Mum.
12:43Oh, leave it out, Rodney.
12:45You're making me feel quite Tom and Dick, you really are.
12:48You can call me June.
12:50Oh, thank you.
12:51Debbie, won't be a minute.
12:53She's just putting some clothes on.
12:55Oh, she needn't bother.
12:56What?
12:57Oh.
12:58No, no, no, no, I meant, you know,
13:00she needn't bother to put on anything special.
13:02Oh.
13:03Um, I was thinking, actually,
13:05if you two wanted to go out and, you know,
13:08chat about old times and all that,
13:11well, you know, I'm sure me and Debbie wouldn't mind babysitting.
13:15Er, what do you think, Del?
13:17I dare tell you what I think, Juney.
13:21Come on, let's go out for a drink, shall we?
13:25Hello, Rodney.
13:26Debs.
13:27You all right, darling?
13:28Oh, what's ya?
13:29You two met?
13:30Yeah.
13:31Yeah, came in the paper shop this morning for a dirty magazine.
13:33Oh.
13:34Yeah.
13:35No, actually, listen...
13:36I was just saying, you and me wouldn't mind babysitting
13:39if Del and your mum went out for a drink.
13:41Yeah, that suits me.
13:42I'll get my coat.
13:43Yeah, all right, darling.
13:45Hmm.
13:47Here.
13:48Oi, I'd do that up if I was you.
13:49You'd get a cold on your chest.
13:51Oi, Debbie's here, she can do what she likes.
13:55You want a brandy, Debs?
13:57Brandy, eh?
13:58You're splashing out, ain't ya?
13:59Yeah, well, of course he's celebrating, ain't he?
14:02Celebrating what?
14:03Oh, hasn't he told you?
14:05He's just heard from the clinic he's got an all-clear.
14:10LAUGHTER
14:17Well, there you go.
14:18Old times, eh?
14:19Old times.
14:20Cheers.
14:21Cheers.
14:23Yeah, June, I hope you don't mind me asking,
14:25but there's always been something that's been bothering me.
14:27Ha, look, if it's something from the past, let's leave it there.
14:30No, no, it's just I always wondered why it was
14:32that you left so suddenly like that,
14:34without a letter or a word, nothing.
14:36It's personal, Del.
14:38All over and done with now, right?
14:40Can't we talk about something happier?
14:42Yeah, of course.
14:44What are they putting your old man in prison for?
14:47He stole some watches.
14:49Oh, I see.
14:51Ain't still got them, have you?
14:54We're getting divorced when he comes out.
14:57The marriage never worked right from the start.
14:59Well, I don't know, seemed to have lasted quite a while.
15:02Oh, no.
15:03We've only been married seven years.
15:05Seven years?
15:06But no, Debbie, she must...
15:07Oh, sorry.
15:09He's not Debbie's father?
15:11No, no, sorry, I didn't mean, you know, I wasn't trying to...
15:13It's her birthday next week.
15:15We're going to have a little party.
15:17Do you fancy coming?
15:18Yeah, not awful.
15:19Have some of that.
15:20Here, I'll have to get that record player for you.
15:22You're a bit lively, weren't I?
15:23Oh, yes!
15:24What do you want?
15:25Another one? Same again?
15:26Oh, I'd love another one.
15:27Same again.
15:28OK, here we go.
15:29Here I am, Maureen.
15:30Here you go, girl.
15:31Oh, right, cheers, Trick.
15:32That's it, here I am, Maureen.
15:33Same again, love.
15:34That's our Singapore sling and half the strongboat.
15:36Coming up.
15:38What are you up to, Mickey?
15:39I've just come from evening school.
15:41I'm learning Aikido.
15:43Really?
15:44Oh, go on, then, say something.
15:49Say something in Aikido.
15:51No, it's not a language, still.
15:53It's a martial art.
15:54I had a fight with five blokes last night.
15:57Well, was it a pillar fight?
15:59But that ain't got a mark on you, son.
16:01Well, that's because I wiped them all out with Aikido.
16:03Aikido.
16:10Can you smell that?
16:12What is that?
16:13Sheep, is it?
16:14It's cows.
16:16No, no, I know what it is.
16:17It's bullshit.
16:23Leave it out, Mickey.
16:24I can always tell when you're lying.
16:26Oh.
16:27Your lips move.
16:312.49.
16:32Right, good.
16:33Cheers.
16:34Where's Rodney tonight?
16:35Rodney? He's round at that young Debbie's place.
16:37Oh, yeah?
16:38Mm-hmm.
16:39I don't know what he sees in her.
16:40I mean, she's just a kid, isn't she?
16:42She's 19 next week now, Sam.
16:44Yeah.
16:45What about your 19th birthday, Mickey?
16:47Yeah.
16:48What about it?
16:49Well, you're looking forward to it, are you?
16:5419?
16:5619?
16:57Just a minute, that Debbie, that young Debbie, she can't be 19.
17:00She's 19 next Wednesday, Dil.
17:02Yeah.
17:03Tell you what, I've got an invitation to her 19th birthday party.
17:06No.
17:07That's impossible.
17:08What's the matter with you, Dil?
17:1019 and a half years ago, me and Debbie's mum were...
17:16Oh, my God.
17:20What are you talking about, Dil?
17:21Huh?
17:22What are you talking about?
17:23No, no, no, nothing.
17:24No, it's all right.
17:25Forget it.
17:26Just...
17:27No.
17:28Forget it.
17:30Forget it.
17:34Junie.
17:36Junie, I know why you left so suddenly all them years ago.
17:40Oh.
17:42Do you?
17:44Potpourri.
17:47Why didn't you tell me?
17:49I couldn't.
17:50I didn't know how you take the news.
17:56I'm just going to the bog.
18:01Oh.
18:02Oh.
18:04All right, Dil boy?
18:05No, I'm not all right, Trigg.
18:07I don't know what I'm going to do.
18:09I just don't know what I'm going to do.
18:12Well, hang on, Dil.
18:13Leave it to me.
18:15Come on, hurry up.
18:16We've got an emergency out here.
18:19No, no, not that, Trigg.
18:21Come here.
18:22Listen to me.
18:23Do you remember about 20 years ago, I was engaged to that bird, right?
18:27Well, June.
18:28Yeah, June.
18:29She's back on the estate now.
18:30That's right.
18:31Well, she's got a 19-year-old kid.
18:34Yeah, Debbie.
18:35Works in a paper shop.
18:36So what?
18:37So what?
18:38Me and Junie broke up about 19 and a half years ago, right?
18:41That means that she was expecting her at the time.
18:44Which means Debbie is my kid.
18:49But she's a pretty girl.
18:53Of course she is.
18:55I mean, look.
18:56That's the old clock, isn't it, eh?
18:59Didn't June say nothing to you at the time?
19:01No, not a dicky bird.
19:03Are you sure, Dil?
19:04Well, I would have remembered something like that, Trigg.
19:07Are you sure she's your kid?
19:08Well, she's got to be.
19:10I mean, she's just got to be.
19:12Yeah, the little cow short-changed me the other day.
19:16Well, that's it then, isn't it?
19:19Have you told the rest of the family?
19:20No, no.
19:21I've only just found out myself.
19:22God knows what Grandad and Rodney are going to say when they...
19:26Rodney?
19:27Rodney!
19:44Put her down, Rodney!
19:46You're back early, aren't you?
19:47Yes.
19:48Ain't we just, eh?
19:49I'm going to bed, Dil.
19:51No, listen, June, we've got to talk.
19:53Look, I knew this is how you behave.
19:55That's why I didn't tell you.
19:57I'll see you around sometime.
20:00No, listen, June.
20:01Maybe.
20:02Look, we've got to...
20:06You've made another lasting impression, then, I see.
20:10Rodney, come on, get up out of there.
20:11Come on, give Debbie some air.
20:12The poor girl can't breathe.
20:13Yeah, all right.
20:15You want another brandy, Deb?
20:16No, she don't.
20:17I'll make my own decisions, thank you.
20:19Yes, of course.
20:21It's just that if you have too much to drink,
20:23you might make yourself sick,
20:24and you don't want to be ill for your party next week.
20:27It's Debbie's birthday next week, Rodney.
20:29Yeah?
20:30I thought it was mine tonight.
20:34I'll get you a nice present, shall I?
20:37Dear?
20:39I'll get you a solid gold watch, eh?
20:41A couple of hundred quid at least, no rubbish.
20:44All right.
20:45What's your game, Dil?
20:46What's your game, Dil?
20:50Just feeling generous, that's all.
20:53Come on, Rodney, I'll give you a lift home, come on.
20:55Give me...
20:56Dil, we only live 50 yards across the precinct.
20:58I know that, I know,
20:59but when I came back tonight,
21:00there was a load of muggers hanging about.
21:02Oh, yeah?
21:03Yeah.
21:06Yeah, well, perhaps I'd better go, Deb.
21:07It's got to be up early.
21:09All right, then.
21:11Good night.
21:13Good night.
21:17Pleasant dreams.
21:28Well, night, Debs.
21:30Good night.
21:31Come on, Rodney!
21:36Now, just what is your game, Dil?
21:38All that, shall I buy you a nice gold watch, shall I?
21:40Dear?
21:41And sweet dreams?
21:43I was just being friendly, that's all.
21:45You're trying to pull her, aren't you?
21:46I am not trying to pull her.
21:48What do you think I am, some kind of sicko or something?
21:51Well, you're trying to interfere between me and Debbie, aren't you?
21:53I am not trying to interfere, Rodney.
21:55Now, listen, Rodney, look,
21:57I just, I don't think that you two are right for each other.
22:01It's got nothing to do with you.
22:03Me and Debbie think we're right for each other.
22:06Matter of fact, we're thinking of getting engaged.
22:09You're what?
22:12You can't get engaged to her, Rodney.
22:14Now, what I, what I mean is,
22:16what I mean is, you're too young.
22:19I'm 24, Dil.
22:21By the time you was my age,
22:22you'd been engaged to every bird this side of the water.
22:28Now, you're just jealous, aren't you?
22:29You can't stand the thought that I might end up with a nice little wife.
22:35You're going to end up with a nice little stretch if you ain't careful.
22:39Rodney, you mustn't get engaged to her.
22:41You give me one good reason why I mustn't.
22:44Cos she's my daughter.
22:52That's why.
23:00Debbie is your daughter?
23:02Yeah.
23:05No, it's not real.
23:07No, it's not happening to me.
23:08No, it's not happening to me.
23:09I tell you what, I'm in the middle of a bad trip
23:11and I'm going to wake up in a minute.
23:13I've worked it out on the calculator, Rodney.
23:17Me and Junie broke up 19 and a half years ago.
23:20It's Debbie's 19th birthday next week.
23:23You're the one with the GCE in maths.
23:25You work it out yourself.
23:27Well, no, she probably met someone after you.
23:30No, she was born a couple of months after.
23:33Well, then she was premature.
23:34Premature?
23:35She'd have to have been bloody instant, Rodney.
23:39But she's a pretty girl.
23:45You know that.
23:48I can see mum in her.
23:52Come on.
23:53Cheer up, Rodney.
23:56Cheer up?
23:58Del, I've just met the first girl in my life
24:01who really means something to me
24:03and it turns out to be my bloody niece.
24:09All right, Rodney.
24:12Come on.
24:13That's why I had to tell you, you see.
24:16Because this sort of thing, it ain't allowed.
24:20It's...
24:21Well, it's incense.
24:29Say you had got married to me, eh?
24:32You could have seen what sort of confusion that would have led to.
24:35I would have been your father-in-law.
24:39Bloody hell.
24:40Your mother-in-law would have been your aunt.
24:43Your wife would have been your second cousin.
24:46Lord knows what, that would have made Grandad the fairy godmother of your life.
24:51Del, are you absolutely certain of this?
24:55Yeah, well, certain as I'll ever be.
24:59Just think, eh, Rodney?
25:01Young Debbie has grown up all these years
25:03and she never knew that I...
25:06I was her daddy.
25:10Think I ought to tell her?
25:12Eh? No.
25:14No, that could come as a great disappoint...
25:16er, great shame.
25:18No, perhaps you're right.
25:21You do something for me, Del?
25:22Yeah, sure.
25:24You go and see June, right?
25:26You go and see her and you find out if it's definite.
25:29Definitely definite.
25:32Yeah. Tomorrow.
25:34Tomorrow. Definite.
25:36Promise.
25:40Well, I'm going to bed.
25:45I bet I have a nightmare.
25:49I bet I have a nightmare where my wife keeps calling me Uncle Rodney.
25:56All right, Del, you've got five minutes.
25:58Say what you have to say and then go.
26:01Is Debbie in?
26:02No, she... she's gone over her aunties.
26:05Look, if you've come here to dig up the past again, you can forget it.
26:08Come on, Judy, there are things that have got to be discussed.
26:11What sort of things?
26:12Look, Judy, I know.
26:14So you said last night.
26:16Well, then, are you going to tell her or shall I?
26:18Tell her what?
26:19Oh, come on, Jude, don't play the innocent with me.
26:22Tell her that I am her father.
26:28You're her...
26:29Her...
26:31Oh, Del.
26:33When you said you knew,
26:36I thought you really knew.
26:40Debbie's not your kid.
26:44She is.
26:47Now, come on, look, she was born six months after we broke up.
26:51She's got to be.
26:53If I'm not her father, then who is?
26:55Who is?
26:59Albie Littlewood.
27:04Albie Littlewood?
27:08Albie Littlewood.
27:11My bestest friend in all the world.
27:16Greatest power a bloke could have.
27:20And all the time he was doinking my bed.
27:25That's why I left.
27:29How could he do it to me?
27:31We was blood brothers.
27:33We were just kids.
27:35We were just playing games.
27:38That night he died on the railway lines.
27:41He wasn't coming to meet you in the pub.
27:44He was coming to meet me.
27:47For nigh on 20 years, I've carried that guilt around with me.
27:51It's hung round my neck like some great two-tonne medallion.
27:55Well, now you're free of it, aren't you?
27:59Albie didn't take the shortcut for you.
28:02It's not the reason why I was feeling guilty.
28:05Cos if he had made it across the railway lines that night,
28:08he wouldn't have met me in the pub.
28:10I wasn't in the pub.
28:12I was round at his bird, Deidre's place.
28:16You were with Deidre?
28:18It's all right, June.
28:21We were only playing games.
28:23We were only playing games.
28:25Oh, you dirty little toerag!
28:29Hello, Mum.
28:30Hello, love.
28:31I've brought Mickey back.
28:33I'm going to my room to listen to the radio.
28:35Good evening, young Michael.
28:37All right?
28:40What's your deal?
28:41I just met Debbie walking across the estate,
28:43so I thought I'd better make sure she got home safely.
28:46So you thought you'd escort a young lady back to her bedroom, eh?
28:50Well, just thought, you know.
28:52Yeah.
28:53I know Mickey.
28:56I know only too well, my son.
28:58Good night to you all.
29:00Oh, Mickey.
29:01Make sure you don't take the shortcut across the railway line.