Оnlу Fооls & Ноrsеs S02 Е03 - A Losing Streak
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00:00Oh, come on, Winston, this is not some cowboy spook you're speaking to.
00:04This is Dale Trotter, the only white man you ever trusted.
00:07When did I nick your speaker?
00:09Oh, that speaker? Yeah, well, I only borrowed it for the party, didn't I?
00:12Gave it back to you the next day.
00:14Well, all right, the next week.
00:16Anyway, you're not honestly trying to tell me that you've only got one speaker.
00:19Well, just one? Blimey, what a way to run a railway station.
00:23Anyway, look, never mind about your rotten speaker.
00:26Now, listen, this is a once-in-a-lifetime offer.
00:29How would you like to buy a genuine mink coat for 50 quid?
00:33No, no, it's not Ben.
00:35Now, the reason why it's so cheap is because it's Ethiopian mink.
00:39Ethiopian.
00:41Yeah, I got this contact in Babylon.
00:44Yeah. Hmm?
00:46Oh, well, the only difference between Ethiopian mink and ordinary mink is the colour.
00:50Yeah, that's right. Hmm?
00:52Yeah, what's the colour of them coats we've got in the garage?
00:54Tabby. Yes, they're tabby.
00:58No, they're a sort of mottled grey with delicate highlights in black and white.
01:05I'll pop one round to you, shall I?
01:07You ain't got a dog, have you?
01:09No, no, look.
01:11Look, I'm only asking you to look at it.
01:14I don't want you to feed it or nothing.
01:16Yeah. Yeah, all right.
01:19Yeah, I understand, Winston.
01:21Yeah, OK.
01:23Yeah, all right, see you around, pal.
01:28Hmm.
01:35Oh, well, you win some, you lose some.
01:37Nothing ventured, nothing gained.
01:39Huh.
01:41It's, well, birth a la mode, as the French say.
01:45Wrong, Del.
01:47Wrong? No, nothing's wrong.
01:49Things couldn't be better, Rodney.
01:51This time next year, we'll be millionaires.
01:53Right, here, get the parfum de toilette into the back of the van.
01:57Down the old market, all right?
01:59That's it, off you go.
02:04Did you play cards again last night?
02:06Hmm? Yeah, yeah, that's right, Grandad.
02:08You know me, eh?
02:10Who dares wins.
02:12How'd you get on?
02:14I lost.
02:16I even had Mum's lucky rabbit foot with me.
02:18Brought me about as much luck as it did the rabbit.
02:22You want to ease up with this gambling, Del boy?
02:25I've seen too many good men finish up in the gutter, chasing easy money.
02:29It's that Boise, innit?
02:31You know Boise, the second-hand card dealer from Lewisham?
02:33I have never seen anyone so lucky at cards, Grandad.
02:37It's all for big money and all.
02:39He ain't using a marked deck, is he?
02:41What? No.
02:43We're close friends.
02:45Anyway, who knows, I'd break his arms.
02:47Well, I were in a card school once where the cards was marked.
02:50I lost a fortune.
02:52What, you knew they were marked?
02:54Oh, yeah. I marked them.
02:58I was never much good at cards.
03:00Stone me, never mind.
03:02Here, this Boise fella.
03:04Does he like spinning the old coin, Del?
03:06You know, double or quits?
03:08Yeah, him. He likes any form of gambling, doesn't he?
03:10Oh, well.
03:12Here, Del. You try him with this.
03:14It's a double-headed coin.
03:17A what?
03:19Double-headed?
03:21I thought you only saw these in them old British movies.
03:25Scotch bloke give me that during the war.
03:27I remember it like it was yesterday.
03:30His hands was trembling and his voice was just a whisper.
03:34He said,
03:36I want you to have something to remember me by, Trotter.
03:39Take me lucky coin.
03:42Then he... he went.
03:45What, he died?
03:47Deserted.
03:50Mind you, you couldn't blame him.
03:52The way them Germans was carrying on,
03:54someone was going to get hurt.
03:59I don't believe it. I just don't believe it.
04:02I mean, I thought we would have got a right result with that cent.
04:05You know, I thought they'd be queuing, camping out on the pavement
04:07like they do at an arid sale.
04:09Instead of that.
04:11How many did we sell in the end?
04:13What, all together? Yeah.
04:15None.
04:17As many as that, was it?
04:19Hang about, hang about. I saw you sell one.
04:21No, she brought it back.
04:23Why? She smelt it.
04:25She said to me the last time she smelt an odour like that
04:28was when the cat sanctuary got bombed during the war.
04:31Right, Dave.
04:33How's your luck, Del Boy?
04:35Oh, don't ask, Treak, don't ask.
04:37Still bad, eh? I'll have a pint of mild, please.
04:39Love, what's yours?
04:41No, no, thanks, Treak, we're all right.
04:43I ain't never seen such bad poker hands as he's been getting.
04:45He lost 150 nickel in cold blood last night.
04:48150 pounds?
04:50Yeah, no, it's all right, it's all right.
04:52I'm just going through this losing streak.
04:54It'll be all right, it'll soon pass.
04:56You don't honestly believe all that rubbish about winning and losing streaks, do you?
04:59You make your own luck in this world, son.
05:01There's no such thing as a losing streak.
05:03You give my arse an headache, Rodney.
05:05You really do.
05:07You know nothing about cards, do you?
05:09You and your little mates are still playing strip snap, ain't you?
05:13One of these days, they're thinking of inviting some girls along.
05:17See, Dave, a losing streak was like joining the Moonies.
05:21Easy to get into, but a bark to get out of.
05:25Just how much have you lost, Del?
05:27Got your hanky, Andy?
05:29I didn't want to tell you, I didn't want you worrying.
05:31I couldn't stand all that dermatitis all over again.
05:34We've got 70 quid and that's all that's left of our profits.
05:38Well, at least we can put the central heating back on and get something to eat.
05:41You don't think I'm wasting this on food and warmth, do you?
05:44This is my state money for tonight's game.
05:46You're playing again tonight?
05:48Yeah, tonight, 8.30 at our place.
05:50Trigger, Del, seat.
05:52Hello, Boise.
05:53Hello, Rodney.
05:55Boise.
05:56Oh, dear, what's up with you? Bird trouble?
05:59You look as though you've had a promise from a liar.
06:03How's your luck, Del?
06:04Oh, changing, changing.
06:06Outed two and a half hundred quid's worth of French scent this morning.
06:09Oh, good.
06:10You're in a chair, then, are you?
06:12Eh? Oh.
06:14Oh, yeah, yeah.
06:16Yeah, er, Trigg?
06:17I'm all right.
06:19Good.
06:20I'll have a cognac.
06:21Better make it a small one, don't want to skint you before tonight's game, do I?
06:24Er, Julie?
06:26Yeah, could I have a double cognac, please?
06:29And I'll have, er, a large...
06:31I'll say a large Shiver's Regal with Coke, yeah?
06:36And I'll have a double Southern Comfort with American Dry.
06:41That's half a lager for Rodney.
06:44Now, why don't you have one yourself, you know,
06:46and put the change in the third world relief bottle, will you?
06:49So, how's your luck, pal?
06:51Well, not too good, to be fair with you.
06:53I sold one today, mind you, a 1980 Simca Estate.
06:57Only made 850 out of it, no?
06:59I mean, what's 850 these days?
07:01Hardly eats from a swimming pool for a week.
07:03Grim, innit?
07:04Oh, yeah, absolutely.
07:05I said to Marlene the other day...
07:07You remember Marlene, don't you, Del?
07:08Oh, yes, yes. All the lads remember Marlene.
07:10Yeah. I said to Mar...
07:15Yeah, I said to Marlene, I said,
07:16if it wasn't for the fact that I was making so much out of Del and the boys,
07:19I'd have to do something really drastic,
07:21like only having smoked salmon twice a week, you know?
07:24You've got more front than Brighton, ain't ya?
07:27Listen, Boise, I'm telling you, my luck's changing.
07:30I'm on a winning streak.
07:31Oh, God.
07:32I am, straight up.
07:33All right, then, I'll tell you what.
07:34Tell you what, look.
07:35Here's 20 quid, right,
07:36that says the next customer in
07:38buys a pint of something.
07:39You are on...
07:41Right.
07:42...for 20 years since the next customer orders a short.
07:44You're pushing your luck a bit, ain't ya?
07:46No, no, I'm not, Rodney.
07:47I've just seen the next customer who's coming in past the window.
07:49You...
07:50Come on, my son.
07:51Yes, love.
07:52I'll have a dry martini and a slimline tonic.
07:55It pains me to take it, Del, you know?
07:58It really pains me.
08:00Well, cheers.
08:038.30 around your place, is it?
08:05That is it.
08:06No, that, that is it.
08:07Right, no, Del.
08:08No, leave it.
08:09Leave him.
08:10I'm not going to hit him, you fool.
08:12Listen.
08:13I've got a double-headed coin.
08:15I'm going to stitch him up.
08:17Shh.
08:18Where is he?
08:19Oi, Boise.
08:20Here, just here.
08:22Just a minute.
08:23Just before you go.
08:24I'll tell you what.
08:25Look, you're a gambling man.
08:26That 20 quid, right?
08:27I'll toss you for it, double or nothing.
08:29Go on, then.
08:30Right.
08:33Heads.
08:40What?
08:42Heads.
08:44Heads.
08:55You know what, Del?
08:56I hope this winning streak of yours holds out till tonight.
09:13That's it.
09:14That is it.
09:15I've just done mistake money for tonight's game, haven't I?
09:17Good.
09:18What do you mean, good?
09:19Look, you're on the verge of losing everything we've ever worked for
09:21on a rotten, bloody poker game.
09:23What did you expect me to say, eh?
09:24Good old Del boy.
09:25He knows the shortcut to the workhouse.
09:27All right, Rodney, all right.
09:28Don't worry.
09:29If the worst comes to the worst,
09:30you know, we can always do ourselves in, can't we, eh?
09:32You know, me, you and Granddad can go and jump in the River Thames.
09:35Be quicker to drink the drop of it.
09:38Looks as though you've already started.
09:41Boy, why don't you say to boys he tonight's off?
09:43Say you caught something.
09:45Look, let me explain something to you, Rodney, eh?
09:49Beneath all this finery, there lies a book.
09:55Now, that surprises you, doesn't it, eh?
09:57No.
10:01Look, you don't remember the day that Dad left home, do you?
10:04Of course you don't, because you was too young.
10:06Well, Mum, she'd...
10:07Well, she'd only just, you know, left us.
10:11And, well, you were just a little nipper
10:13with a pink patch over your National Elf specs,
10:15you know, to help that turn in your eye.
10:17Granddad, he was sitting at home in his armchairs,
10:20waiting for colour television to be invented.
10:23Anyway, I came home that evening
10:25and found that Dad had gone.
10:26Taken all his things and gone.
10:28He took everything, Rodney.
10:30He took my savings,
10:32my three-quarter-length suede coat.
10:35He even opened your little piggy bank.
10:38But the one thing that he didn't get
10:40was the money that Mum had left me and you.
10:42Well, that was because I hid it too well, see?
10:44Anyway, he left us with nothing, Rodney,
10:46not even the price of a meal.
10:49You know what day that was?
10:53It was my 16th birthday.
10:57He even took my cake.
11:01What a lousy...
11:02Oi, oi, oi, oi, oi, oi!
11:04That's your father you're talking about.
11:07Well, I'm sorry, Dad, but that's how I feel about it.
11:09Well, it's all right. It's understandable.
11:11But you see, from that day,
11:13I swore that I would never run away from anything in my life.
11:16I mean, you know, if a wild lion were to come in here now,
11:19my old April would be pouting like a good'un,
11:21but I'd stand me ground.
11:23I would.
11:24Because it's geezers like me that...
11:26that capture German machine-gun nests.
11:29And that's why I've got to play the game tonight, Rodney, you see.
11:31Because I can't run away.
11:33Running away only wears out your shoes.
11:36Do you understand me?
11:38Yeah.
11:39Yeah, I understand you, Dale.
11:41And I'll tell you something else.
11:42We're going to beat Boise tonight.
11:44That's the spirit, my son. That's it.
11:46We'll take him to the cleaners.
11:47Oh, what?
11:48They'll call our place Chase Sketchley's by the time we finish with him.
11:52Right, well, I'll see you later.
11:53I'm going to get you some stake money.
11:54Where from?
11:55Oi, when the chips are down, I'm going to be just as sharp as you.
11:58Now, you remember that party we had at the flat last month, yeah?
12:01Yeah.
12:02It was plenty of booze, right?
12:03You're not going to organise a disco, are you?
12:05No.
12:06I'm going to take the entries back for you.
12:14It's amazing, isn't it, Trigg?
12:17I've lived with him for all these years and I thought I really knew him.
12:20You know, and then something like this happens.
12:23Some simple gesture.
12:25And then you suddenly realise what a 100% 24-carat plonker he really is.
12:40Well?
12:41Well, what?
12:42Are you going to lend me that money or not?
12:44I ain't going to lend you nothing.
12:45If I had a million pounds, I wouldn't give you a penny of it.
12:49Come on, Grandad, just give me a straight yes or no.
12:51Come on, Grandad, just give me a straight yes or no.
12:55Why should I give you money to lose?
12:57And don't give me that old fanny about a losing streak.
13:00It's true.
13:01Today I put 20 quid on a McAlpine Navvy who was on a diet.
13:06Now, what are the odds on you picking the only genuine weight-water in London?
13:10What makes you think I've got any money anyhow?
13:13I'm only an old-age pensioner, dear old boy.
13:16I'm only an old-age pensioner, dear old...
13:18You crafty old sod.
13:20You had a 25 to 1 winner at Kempton Park on Monday.
13:23I know because I gave you the fiver and Rodney picked up your winnings.
13:26125 quid.
13:28Oh, that.
13:30Yes, oh, that.
13:31That's right.
13:32Come on, Grandad.
13:33Look, lend me a hundred, I'll pay you back double.
13:36Now, be fair, I've always been straight with you, haven't I?
13:39Remember last month when you said you were feeling cold in bed?
13:42What did I do for you?
13:43You brought me an electric blanket.
13:45That's right.
13:46Give me the hundred and I'll put a plug on it for you.
13:49All right.
13:51You pay me back double, though.
13:52Don't worry, yeah, all right, all right.
13:56Yeah, do you always wear that money belt?
13:58Well, it stops me getting a chill on me belly.
14:02That is most probably why your kidney stones didn't show up on that x-ray.
14:07There you go.
14:08Thank you, Grandad.
14:09And don't you lose it.
14:10No, all right, all right, I won't.
14:11Cheers.
14:12Trigger and boisterer.
14:13All right, all right.
14:15Keep calm, Rodney, keep calm.
14:18All right?
14:19Now, just, uh, just play it cool.
14:21You know what I mean? Come on, just nice and cool.
14:24Nice.
14:26What are you doing?
14:28All right, Dave?
14:29All right.
14:30Del Boy?
14:31No trick.
14:32All right then, Boise?
14:34Good evening.
14:37Come on in, Rodney, get the boys a drink.
14:39Well, we don't see many places like this these days, Del Boy.
14:42Oh, thanks, I designed it myself.
14:45Yeah, I thought as much.
14:47As a matter of fact, I saw a place rather like this on a television programme recently.
14:52Dallas?
14:53No, not Dallas, definitely not Dallas.
14:55No, it was a charity appeal.
14:59Had the wife in tears, you know.
15:01Still, Marlene's easily touched.
15:03Yeah, as Del said earlier, all the lads remember Marlene.
15:08Yeah, it was one of those programmes that...
15:13Well, are we gonna stand here rabbiting all night or are we gonna play cards?
15:16No, we're gonna play cards, Boise.
15:17Come on in, sit yourself down over there.
15:19Come on, Trigg.
15:20That's it.
15:22Right, that's it, Rodney, get them beers down.
15:24Right.
15:26Five-card draw, usual limit, yeah?
15:29That's all right.
15:30Right, good.
15:31Right, I got a new pack of cards, so...
15:33Yes, I bought a new deck as well.
15:34Ah.
15:35Well...
15:36Look, we'll use mine, so you've opened yours, all right?
15:37No, we'll use mine.
15:38No, no, let's use mine.
15:39Dilsey O's.
15:40And I'm the guest, so we'll use mine.
15:41Why don't you spin for it?
15:43Huh?
15:44Oh, yeah, yeah, that's a good idea, Trigg.
15:47All right with you, Boise?
15:49Yeah, come on, then.
15:50OK, then, here you go.
15:52Heads.
15:57What?
15:58I said heads.
16:00But you called heads in the palm.
16:01And I'm calling heads again.
16:05We'll use your pack.
16:15All right.
16:24Is that all you've got, Del?
16:25Eh?
16:26Er, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
16:28I've still got more than that, you know.
16:30Oh, er...
16:31Rodney's got the rest for me.
16:32Oh, yeah.
16:34Del...
16:35Here's the £4.37 from the entrance.
16:37£4.37 from the entrance.
16:51Down to you, Trigg.
17:01Too heavy for me, Del Boy.
17:02I'm calling it a night.
17:03Looks like it's down to you and me, then, Del Boy.
17:06Right.
17:09You're 30.
17:11And I'll raise you 30.
17:18And it costs you 30 quid to stay in, Del.
17:21I ain't got 30 quid left, Boise.
17:23Well, what can I say?
17:24Well, hang about, hang about.
17:27Go on, 30 quid, I see it.
17:30I have a running flush.
17:32Four, five, six, seven, eight of hearts.
17:36Jeez!
17:39I got...
17:40three...
17:42tens!
17:43God, don't.
17:44Not quite good enough, then, is it, Del Boy?
17:47Well, that seems to be the end of the evening.
17:49Shame, really.
17:50I was just getting in the mood for a drink.
17:52Well, that's a shame.
17:53Well, that seems to be the end of the evening.
17:55Shame, really.
17:56I was just getting into my stride.
17:57Well, I'll bid you adieu, then.
17:59Hang about, Boise.
18:01Now, hang about.
18:03I ain't finished yet.
18:10He knows more card tricks than Paul Daniels, doesn't he?
18:15Do you reckon he's been switching them?
18:16Course he's been switching them.
18:18He's done you two up like a couple of kippers.
18:24Del...
18:26Oi!
18:27Where'd you get that from?
18:29Busby sent it down the line, didn't he?
18:33It had come for the past fortnight we'd been living off Queerstreet
18:36and suddenly all them notes materialised.
18:38This is the money that Mum left you and me.
18:40She said it was only to be used in a life-or-death situation.
18:44Oh, now, come on, Del.
18:45This ain't a life-or-death situation.
18:47It's a bloody game of poker.
18:48No, it isn't, Roddy.
18:49This is not a game.
18:50This is a duel.
18:52All right, Boise, I've got 500 quid here
18:54that says that this game ain't over yet.
18:56Nice one, Del boy.
18:58I like your style.
19:00I tell you what, let's make this a bit exciting, shall we?
19:04No limit.
19:07That suits me, Boise.
19:09That suits me right down to the ground.
19:12That suits me, Boise.
19:14That suits me right down to the ground.
19:22Right.
19:41What is it?
19:44Hmm?
19:46I want you to take this one.
20:12LAUGHTER
20:17Go on, your bid.
20:23Century.
20:25A hundred notes?
20:26You're coming out a bit, ain't you, Boise?
20:28This is a no-limit game between me and Del, Boise,
20:30so keep your nose out, Trigg.
20:31Don't worry, don't worry, Trigg.
20:34He's bluffing.
20:36All right.
20:37Well,
20:39that's your hundred.
20:41And I'll raise you a hundred.
20:48Your hundred?
20:50And I'll raise you a hundred.
20:54You're bluffing.
20:57Only one way to find out, isn't there, Del boy?
21:01No, he's bluffing.
21:03He's definitely bluffing.
21:04I can tell by his eyes he's bluffing.
21:07It's going to cost you another hundred to find out, Del.
21:10Trust me, Rodney, trust me.
21:13He's definitely bluffing.
21:16I got him by the short and curlies.
21:24Your hundred?
21:27I'll raise you 200.
21:32Want to see me, Boise?
21:35Oh, no.
21:37No, no, no, Del boy.
21:40That's your 200.
21:45And I will raise you
21:50a grand.
21:55Knock him out, Del.
21:58It's going to cost you a thousand notes to see my cards, Del.
22:04I'm skim, Boise.
22:05I'm skim, Boise.
22:08Well, you shouldn't play big boys' games then, should you?
22:11Play the game, son.
22:13That's the money their mum left them.
22:14That's all they got.
22:19Well, do something, Del, or get off the pot.
22:23Yeah.
22:25Yeah, all right.
22:29All my jewellery.
22:31All right?
22:33And, um...
22:35Eh?
22:36Trigg.
22:37I'm brussing, mate.
22:38Rot, forget it, you.
22:41Yeah, you're going to have me car.
22:44Cheers, Trigg. You're a real pal.
22:46Right, so that's my jewellery, right?
22:48And Trigg's car.
22:49That's a good'un.
22:50He must be joking. I sold it to him.
22:54Well, what will you get your money back, won't you?
22:56So that's my jewellery, Trigg's car,
22:59the stereo and the tennis.
23:00Still don't come to a thousand, Del.
23:02All right, all right, I'll tell you what I'll do.
23:04It's my jewellery, Trigg's car, the stereo and the tennis,
23:06and everything in the flat, right?
23:08The cooker, the fridge, the deep freeze,
23:10the beds, the wardrobe, our clothes.
23:12Now, what's your bloody game, Del?
23:13It's all right. Trust me, Rodney, he's bluffing.
23:16Have faith in me.
23:20All right, Del boy.
23:22Seeing as how we're friends,
23:24I will accept all that as a bet.
23:26Seeing as how we're friends,
23:28I will accept all that as a bet of a thousand pounds.
23:38What have you got?
23:41I've got kings.
23:47How many?
23:50Un, deux, trois, quatre.
23:56Four?
23:58I didn't know you were good at maths, Del.
24:01I thought you were bluffing.
24:03Oh, no.
24:05Oh, no, no, no, no, Del boy.
24:08No, you're nilly.
24:10I thought he was bluffing.
24:12You berk.
24:14What did you have, Del?
24:16Two pair.
24:18Two pair?
24:19You in all that way on two wrong pair?
24:21I thought he was bluffing.
24:22Well, he bloody well wasn't, wasn't he?
24:25Couldn't give us the left arm, could you, Del?
24:28Yeah, I could, as it goes.
24:30I'll drop you off on our way to the river.
24:35Well, Del, I'll send the boys round in the morning for the stuff.
24:39It really pains me, Del. It really does pain me.
24:43What are you doing?
24:45What do you mean, what am I doing?
24:46I'm picking up my winnings, Del. That's what I'm doing.
24:48Oh, no, no, no, me old mate.
24:50No, no, not on your nilly.
24:52You know the rules of the game.
24:54All cards must be shown before the winnings are collected.
24:57Leave it out, will you, Del? You've only got two pair.
24:59No, no, Trigno, it's all right.
25:01Let Del have his little moment.
25:03Come on, Del.
25:05Let's see your two pair.
25:07Well, I've got a pair of aces.
25:10Yeah?
25:12And I've got another pair of aces.
25:22That's four aces.
25:27I didn't know that you were good at maths, either, boy.
25:31Four aces. I ain't never seen it before.
25:34Four aces, eh?
25:36Four bloody aces!
25:38Grandad!
25:40He's got four aces, eh?
25:42I thought Del boy might have something up his sleeve.
25:46I thought Del boy might have something up his sleeve.
25:51Oh, look at all that lovely money.
25:54I told you I could do it, eh?
25:56Well done.
25:58Wait, Rodney, now careful, what is your game?
26:01Well done, Del.
26:03Thanks.
26:05Nicely played.
26:07Where did you get those four bloody aces from?
26:09Same place you got them kings.
26:11I knew you was cheating, Boise.
26:13Oh, yeah? How?
26:15Because that wasn't the hand that I'd dealt you.
26:25Del, let's take him again.
26:28No, no, I don't want to push my luck.
26:30Oh, come on, you're on a winning streak.
26:32Eh? Yeah, yeah, you're right.
26:34Boise, hang about.
26:36Hang about.
26:38Listen, I always like to see a man get a chance to get some of his money back, right?
26:41Tell you what I'm going to do.
26:43There's 200 quid.
26:45I'll spin you for 200 quid, all right?
26:47No.
26:49No, no, Del. No, no, no way.
26:51I've beaten you on a spin twice.
26:53By law of averages, you've got to win this time.
26:56I'll tell you what, now, I'll be fair.
26:58Rodney can call for me, all right?
27:00Yeah, yeah, I'll call for him, yeah.
27:03200.
27:05You're on.
27:07Right.
27:09Call, Rodney.
27:11Call, Rodney.