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Short filmTranscript
00:00Oh, yeah.
00:02Oi, Grandad, you want to see this book Mickey Pierce lent me?
00:07It teaches you how to say filthy things to women from great distances without actually speaking.
00:12They can't set their brothers on you or nothing.
00:15Do you like your baked potatoes really well done, Rodney?
00:19Have I got a choice?
00:21Well, not really.
00:23Yeah, I like them really well done, Grandad.
00:26Yeah, I like them really well done, Grandad.
00:29I like them all burnt up so they look like rock-hard prunes.
00:32Oh, good. Well, dinner won't be long, then.
00:38Body language?
00:40Yeah, it's no good for you, Grandad. You'd need an interpreter.
00:44Oi up! All right, Grandad? Dinner ruined yet?
00:48Coming along nicely, Dale boy.
00:50Ah, good, good. Here you are. Hang on, hang on.
00:52Here you go, look. There's a score for you.
00:54A little Christmas present. You all right?
00:56Oh, cheers, Dale. That's very nice of you.
00:59I didn't get you nothing.
01:01I don't agree with the commercialisation of a Christian festival.
01:07I don't believe that. I don't believe that.
01:09He actually took my money and then gave me a rollicking.
01:11It's like being mugged by a magistrate.
01:14Oh, and Merry Christmas.
01:16Yeah. And a partridge up your pear tree and all, you salty old git.
01:20Here. What happened to you today, then?
01:22I thought I'd see you down the old nag's head
01:24for a pre-luncheon aperitif and some light conversation.
01:29You know, whatever them little egg bangers are yours.
01:32Nah. Stomach's still a bit dicey, you know.
01:35Sort of burning pains.
01:37That'll teach you to play Russian roulette with a mutton vindaloo, won't it?
01:40No. This is psychosomatic, mate.
01:43This is me brain sending messages down to me belly
01:46warning it that Grandad's rotten Christmas dinner will be on its way down soon.
01:51Have a butcher's in that kitchen, Dale.
01:53It's all smoke and smells. It's horrible.
01:55He's got baked potatoes in there that look more like lumps of anthracite.
01:59There's green stuff in there, right?
02:01I don't know what it is. I was going to ask for it
02:03and I thought I'd better wait till you got in.
02:05Why'd you let him do it, Dale?
02:07Well, it's tradition, innit?
02:08He's been cooking the Christmas dinner ever since Mum went.
02:11Yeah, he's been cocking it up ever since Mum went.
02:13What do you want? What do you want, eh?
02:15A Sacrebleu chef or something?
02:17Look, I don't fancy it any more than you do, Rodders,
02:20but, you know, what can we do about it, eh?
02:22Well, let's pretend we both become vegetarians, eh?
02:24Then we won't have to eat his turkey.
02:26Don't be a dipstick all your life, Rodney.
02:29If we pretend that we're vegetarians,
02:31we'll end up with a plate full of anthracite and green stuff.
02:34Well, I'm going to say I'm on hunger strike.
02:36Some kind of humanitarian grounds.
02:38Oh, leave it out, will you? Leave it out.
02:40I remember the last time that you went on hunger strike
02:43over a protest about the American cruise missiles being based in Britain.
02:47You said that you were going to starve yourself till all the missiles were removed.
02:50So?
02:51So? So, that was eight months ago.
02:53The missiles are still here.
02:55What is more to the point, Rodney, so are you.
02:58You went one and a half days on hunger strike and you're sent out for a curry.
03:01Well, I was starving.
03:02Well, that's the idea of it, you plonker.
03:05Come out of it.
03:06No.
03:07Granddad will never wear that.
03:10Anyway.
03:12Cooking the Christmas dinner has become Granddad's purpose in life.
03:17I mean, all year round he sits in that chair watching them tellies
03:19like an unoiled redundant cog.
03:23But come Christmas time, he knows that he can whir into action.
03:26It's his role within the family circle.
03:29Makes him feel he still has an important part to play.
03:32You know, that he's still needed.
03:35Now, you wouldn't want to take that away from him, would you?
03:37All for the sake of a little bit of botulism.
03:39No, no, no. All right, Bill.
03:42Anyway, why don't you do what I do, eh?
03:44You know, just put the dinner in your mouth and think of England.
03:48Anyway, for all we know, this year it may turn out to be a gourmet's dream.
03:53I'll just strain the gravy, then I'll give it up.
04:03So good.
04:10I must get a plug put on this thing, Rodney.
04:21All right, all right. I'll have some wine, please, Rodney.
04:24Do you want some gravy, Dale?
04:27No, thanks, Granddad. I'll have a drop of wine.
04:31Thank you. Merci, merci.
04:40Oh, Bain-Marie. Bain-Marie.
04:44I will say this for those old frogs, they make a blinding drop of wine, don't they, eh?
04:48Yeah, you know that shyster down at the off-licence?
04:51He only tried to palm me off with table wine, didn't he?
04:54He must have thought I was a Philistine or something.
04:58Anyway, I pulled him up a bit sharpish, though.
05:01I said, Oi, John, I said, I don't want none of your table wine, I said.
05:05I said, you get down here and that's it.
05:06I said, I don't want none of your table wine, I said.
05:08I said, you get down here and that's it.
05:10And you give me a bottle of your vin ordinaire.
05:15Right. Here we go.
05:24Not bad. Not bad, Granddad.
05:27Slightly underdone, maybe.
05:30Slightly underdone? I reckon a kiss of life would revive that tongue.
05:34That's enough, Rodney.
05:36How's your guts now, Rodney?
05:39Not too bad now, Granddad, thank you very much.
05:43I hope he ain't got worms.
05:45I'm doing this on purpose.
05:47Oi, that's enough, you two. Now, come on, this is a dinner table.
05:50I mean, worms and all that.
05:52Rodney's got this burning sensation in his stomach, haven't you, Rodney?
05:55Yeah.
05:57Maybe they're glow worms.
06:01Oi, oi, oi, what's your game?
06:03Do you think we could change the subject?
06:04It's all right, all right.
06:06Now, come on, there's no need to get overwrought.
06:08Here you go.
06:13This turkey's lovely, Granddad.
06:15Isn't it, Rodney?
06:17Terrific.
06:20Who's Brenda and Terry?
06:22Eh?
06:24Who's Brenda and Terry?
06:26Who's Brenda and Terry?
06:27Yeah.
06:28Who's Brenda and Terry, Rodney?
06:29I don't know.
06:31What's going on about you, old div?
06:33Well, we got a Christmas card from them.
06:35It said, love from Brenda and Terry and the kids, Shirley, Shane and Sean.
06:40Yeah, yeah, that was from Brenda and Terry.
06:42I know! Who is Brenda and Terry?
06:44Well, it's Shirley, Shane and Sean's mum and dad, isn't it?
06:47Oh.
06:49Did we send them one back?
06:51Why can't we send them one back? We don't know where they are, let alone where they live.
06:54It's just as well with them rotten Christmas cards that you bought.
06:58There was nothing wrong with them cards.
07:00You didn't like them because they come from a charity organisation.
07:02That is not fair, Rodney. That is not fair.
07:04Nobody likes a good cause better than me, do they, Grandad?
07:06No.
07:07It's just that when you're choosing Christmas cards, you've got to be very careful about which charity you choose.
07:12What do you mean, got to be careful about which charity you choose?
07:15Well, I mean, look, some of those cards might offend some of our neighbours and friends, mightn't they?
07:19You know, it says, Merry Christmas from Del Boy, Rodney and Grandad and all the gang at the Deptford Drug Addiction Centre.
07:26With all the cuts we've had in social services, you don't think that's a good cause?
07:29Look, I'm not saying it isn't a good cause, Rodney.
07:30All I'm saying, at Christmas time, people prefer a traditional Christmas card, don't they, eh?
07:35Like a nice wintery seam with a little snowman on it.
07:37Little Robin Redbreast.
07:39Not a sprig of ollie and a bunch of mistletoe wrapped round a rusty syringe.
07:43You threw me right up some time, Stel.
07:45I don't know why they want these drug addiction centres anyhow.
07:48I mean, haven't we got enough drug addicts without them recruiting them?
07:55No, no, Grandad, they're not training centres.
07:59What?
08:01Oh, God, I give up. Can we change the subject again?
08:03Oh, stroll on, Rodney. We're going through subjects quicker than Mastermind.
08:10Didn't throw the giblets away, did you?
08:14I only asked. I only asked.
08:16Because, you see, I promised them to the old girl downstairs for her cat.
08:18There weren't any giblets in it, Del Boy. It was ready clean. Said so on the box.
08:23Yeah, I know it was ready clean, Grandad.
08:25What they do is they take the giblets out, put it in a plastic bag and they put it back inside the turkey, don't they?
08:30Didn't they?
08:31Yeah.
08:35You took the bag out, didn't you?
08:38Oh, didn't I? It was in there, Del.
08:40Oh, my God.
08:42And when you picked it, was everything still in it?
08:44Oh, my good God.
08:47Blimey, it's like peering at the jaws of hell, here.
08:50Didn't you at any time notice it? Like, for instance, when you were putting the stuffing in?
08:54Well, is stuffing in there as well?
08:56Blimey, there's everything in here, Rodney.
08:58There's sage and onion and molten plastic and beans.
09:03It's like Irish night in a delicatessen.
09:06I just didn't know it was in there, Del Boy.
09:10All right, all right. All right, Grandad.
09:14Don't get overwrought. It's over and done with, isn't it, eh?
09:17Don't upset yourself. It's, you know, it's like, as the French say, it's a fait accompli.
09:32What about the old aftersend, eh?
09:34I'll go and get it.
09:35Yeah.
09:37All right, all right.
09:39Don't worry.
09:40Because custard is his forte.
09:43Oh, my God.
09:48Do you like your Christmas pudding really well done?
09:55I'm not sure I'm going to be able to finish it.
09:58I'm not sure I'm going to be able to finish it.
10:01I'm not sure I'm going to be able to finish it.
10:04I'm not sure I'm going to be able to finish it.
10:06I'm not sure I'm going to be able to finish it.
10:17Ladies and gentlemen, Freddie Osler will attempt the incredibly difficult triple somersault.
10:24Ladies and gentlemen, Freddie Osler.
10:36Sorry.
10:57Sorry.
11:02I don't like circuses.
11:07What?
11:09I don't like circuses.
11:13Never have liked them.
11:14Sure thing.
11:17Never will like them, circuses.
11:19You made your point, Rodney. Why don't you switch over?
11:29Oh, there's one on the other side.
11:31Is there? What a shame.
11:33It's a pity you don't like them because you could be having a whale of a time now, couldn't you?
11:37Yeah, I'll put a sock in it for half an hour now, will you?
11:48Good living in a tar block, isn't it though?
11:50Yeah, mustard. The Queen doesn't know what she's missing.
11:53Look at that view, eh?
11:55On a clear day, you can see the ground.
12:01Boring.
12:04Boring, boring, boring.
12:10Boring.
12:13Boring!
12:15Be quiet, you one-in-a-minute, Rodney!
12:19Nothing's open out there and I'm bored.
12:22Hang about and I'll see if I can get on the phone and knock you out the Mardi Gras.
12:27Everyone's bored.
12:29Christmas is a religious festival. It's meant to be boring.
12:34I thought we were supposed to be celebrating the birth of our Lord.
12:37A time of great joy.
12:39It is a time of great joy. That's why everything's closed.
12:41Everyone's at home enjoying themselves like us.
12:44Enjoying themselves?
12:46Yeah, where's me nuts?
12:50Oh, right.
12:52Just take a look at it out there, Del.
12:54It's like a neutron bomb's hit it.
12:56The buildings are still standing but there's no sign of life.
12:59Nah.
13:01The British nation has forgotten how to enjoy itself.
13:04We're all charging towards a cliff edge of terminal boredom like a herd of them...
13:10Oh, what's them things that commit suicide all the time?
13:13Japanese.
13:15Lemmings. Yeah, like a herd of lemmings.
13:19Let's go out somewhere, Del, eh?
13:21There better be a pub or a club open somewhere.
13:23It's Christmas night, Rodney.
13:24Christmas night, Rodney?
13:26The Monte Carlo Club, New Cross. That's open.
13:29Then again, it is a bit rough.
13:31Oh, rough, is it? Guess it's all those big men drinking beer and burping.
13:34Great big tart, you.
13:36All right, then, let's go down to the Monte Carlo.
13:39You get a few birds down there, might be able to pull a couple.
13:41I don't want to go out, Rodney.
13:43Oh, you're boring as well.
13:45You're hardly a go on the Big Dipper yourself, Rodney.
13:47Well, why don't you want to go out?
13:49Well, I shall tell you why, shall I?
13:51It may have slipped your notice but there are three people living in this flat.
13:52You, me and that scruffy little old man that does funny things to turkeys.
13:56Namely our grandfather.
13:58I'm not seriously suggesting that we push off out of it and leave him here on his own, are you?
14:02Well, we often leave him on his own.
14:04Yeah, but not on Christmas night, Rodney. Not on Christmas night.
14:07Yeah, but we sit in with him every Christmas. He wouldn't mind just this once.
14:11No, he would pretend that he wouldn't mind.
14:13But you don't know what would be going on in his little mind as he sat in this empty flat all on his own.
14:17You know, thinking about the good old days when mum and dad were here
14:20and Christmas time was a great big family affair.
14:24And we're still family, Rodney.
14:26So you're going to stay in with me and grandad and watch, you know, the sound of music.
14:30I don't like the sound of music.
14:32Well, switch over.
14:34Well, what's on?
14:36The circus.
14:38I want to go out, Dale.
14:40Listen, Rodney. There are a lot of old people all over the country tonight sitting on their own.
14:43Now, half of them don't get a Christmas card, let alone a bit of company.
14:46So you're going to stay in with me and grandad.
14:48Look, if I want to go out, I'll go out.
14:51You won't.
14:53I will.
14:55You won't, Rodney.
14:57I will, Dale.
14:59You won't.
15:01I will.
15:03You won't.
15:05I will.
15:07I'm off out now. See you later.
15:09Yeah, see you later, grandad.
15:11You won't.
15:13I will.
15:15Listen, if I...
15:16I've been sitting here all night listening to you two arguing.
15:19Tell us what happens in the sound of music.
15:22See you.
15:24Yes, see you, grandad.
15:27Well, that's terrific, that, isn't it?
15:30Charming.
15:32He goes out gallivanting, we have to stay in and watch Julie Andrews.
15:35Oh, no, brother. Definitely not.
15:37Let's put our glad rags on and hit the Monte Carlo Club, eh?
15:41Yeah.
15:43Right, now listen, I'll have a bath first because there's hardly any hot water left.
15:46You fix yourself a drink, make yourself comfortable and watch the circus.
15:50All right?
16:17Oi, John.
16:19Yeah?
16:21Here's a Remy Martin with cream soda and lots of ice and half a lager.
16:26Hello, my son. You all right, Earl?
16:28Hello, dull boy. Nice Christmas.
16:30Oh, yeah, blinder.
16:32Where's the enemy?
16:34She took the kids over her mum's.
16:36Oh, yeah?
16:38Yeah, how's the old man?
16:40Up and down like Tower Bridge.
16:42Still in hospital, unconscious most of the time.
16:44You know, when he wakes up, he don't know where he is.
16:47Oh.
16:49Well, next time when he comes round again, you wish him a Merry Christmas from me and Rodney.
16:53Yeah, I will, dull.
16:55What's wrong with him?
16:58I can't pronounce it.
17:02Oh, yeah, how much is that, please?
17:04Ninety-eight pence.
17:06Ninety-eight, there you are. I'll keep the change.
17:08Now listen, Earl.
17:10Now listen, my son, this is what you want to do.
17:11Next time you're up the hospital, you get hold of one of them surgeons.
17:14You know, they're the guys in the little white jackets, you know.
17:16You say to him that your old dad wants some antibiotics.
17:19Antibiotics. That is a-n-t-i-b-i-o-t-ics.
17:24Got it?
17:26Hang on, I'll write it down for you.
17:28Rodney, give me that replay I gave you for your Christmas present.
17:30There, right.
17:32Now then, let's see.
17:34You're being a bit pushy, ain't you?
17:36I mean, don't you think the hospital's already thought of that?
17:38What, that bunch of wallies?
17:39No, these are magic things, these are, Earl.
17:41I mean, they work a treat. God knows where they get them from.
17:44Do you remember when Grandad was in hospital about 18 months back,
17:47they gave him so many of these antibiotics
17:49that one day he sneezed and two other blokes got better.
17:53Yeah, well, there you are, there it is.
17:55Don't take that to a chemist, will you, because it ain't a prescription.
17:58No, I won't, though, boy.
18:00And thanks a lot, that's really nice of you.
18:02Well, that's all right, my son. Now you have a good Christmas, you hear?
18:04Yeah, all right.
18:06Come on, Rodney.
18:07Well, you are something else you are.
18:09I mean, you've stuck your nose in where it won't want it a good few times,
18:12but this takes the biscuit, doesn't it?
18:14I mean, suddenly you're a miracle worker.
18:16Listen, listen, Rodney.
18:18Now, life has been pretty gutty for Earl quite recently.
18:21First of all, he got made redundant,
18:23and it's been like that between him and his missus.
18:25And then to top it all, his old man collapses in the nag's head
18:28right across the table where me and Trigg were sitting.
18:30It was terrible.
18:32All the glasses went flying and everything.
18:34Yeah? What, serious?
18:35No, I only had about that much left.
18:38Now, I mean, he can't afford a private hospital.
18:41Wanted to take his old man to Lourdes, but he couldn't afford the fare.
18:44The way his luck's been going, he couldn't afford the fare to Leeds,
18:46let alone Lourdes.
18:49I've just given him a little bit of false hope, haven't I, eh?
18:52Like a light at the end of the tunnel, a straw to grab at.
18:55A bit of promise for the new year.
19:02Yeah, but I mean, what if he tells the hospital to admit
19:05to administer these drugs, eh?
19:07I mean, what if they finish the old man off?
19:09Oh, leave it out, Rodney.
19:11What do you think they are at that hospital?
19:13A bunch of wallies?
19:15Come on, Luigi.
19:17You're flash, you are, aren't you?
19:19You think you know the lot, don't you?
19:21Everything about you is leery.
19:24What do you mean, leery?
19:27Look at the way you're dressed to begin with, eh?
19:29What?
19:31I mean, you make a Christmas tree look sombre.
19:32God knows, eh, you've got the courage to walk down dark alleys
19:35wearing all that gold.
19:37When they see you coming, you must look like a mugger's pension scheme.
19:40Listen, how do you think a peacock attracts a lady peacock, eh?
19:44With his plumage, right?
19:46Well, this is my plumage.
19:48You see, when I approach a bird,
19:50she doesn't see the real me,
19:52the young, good-looking man about town,
19:54own teeth and all that sort of game.
19:56She sees, you know, subconscious,
19:58a white yacht floating on the blue waters of a Caribbean bay.
20:02Is that right?
20:04With you, they see a winkle barge
20:06sinking off the end of Southend Pier.
20:08No, because I don't need all the bullion
20:10and the perfume and the white shoes
20:12because I'm natural. I'm me, Dale. I'm me.
20:14Yes, I know you're you.
20:16That's why you always end up with a dog.
20:18I do not go out with dogs.
20:20Oh, leave it off, Rodney.
20:22You've had more dogs than Crufts.
20:24The other week, Grandad took your suit to the cleaners.
20:26They found a muzzle in the pocket.
20:28No, Rodney, I know the secret, you see.
20:30That's why I always blag the good'uns, you know,
20:32the part-time models.
20:34Oh, yes, bruv, I've got the secret.
20:36Never fails me.
20:42Got a bone, Andy Rodgers,
20:44I think you just cracked it again.
21:02What can I do with a sit-down?
21:04My pen's half-aching.
21:06It's amazing, isn't it?
21:08Look at us, eh?
21:10The peck and play boys.
21:12I bet the only one who's pulled tonight is Grandad.
21:14Yeah, well, you ought to be used to it.
21:16The only thing you ever pull at Christmas is your cracker.
21:18Here, look, there's a table free over there, Rodders.
21:20Go on, look lively.
21:26Hey, Dale, look.
21:28Oh, what?
21:29Look.
21:31Oh, no, they've only pinched our table.
21:33Oh, never mind about the table.
21:35Look at them two.
21:37Yeah, well, I wanted a sit-down.
21:39Well, sit at their table.
21:41Come on.
21:45Well, go on, then, Dale.
21:47Go on what?
21:49Do the bizz-ho chat-em-up.
21:51How come it's always me that's got to do all the donkey work, eh?
21:53You're like the spy you are, Rodders.
21:55You're the one who finds out where the enemy is hiding,
21:57but I'm the one who's got to charge across no-man's land
21:59and do the capturing.
22:01I think it's about time that you took some of the old shot-and-shell.
22:03Go on.
22:05What, me chat-em-up?
22:07Yeah, go on.
22:09All right, I'll do it.
22:11Go on, then.
22:13I will.
22:22What are you doing?
22:24What are you doing?
22:26Psyching myself up.
22:27All right, be with you in a minute, girls.
22:29He's just psyching himself up.
22:31Shut up, will you?
22:33Come on, look, behave yourself.
22:35Now, look, this is kamikaze time.
22:37Now, go on, get over there.
22:39I will.
22:41Well, go on, then.
22:43In my own time, Dale.
22:49Go on, then.
22:51Just shut up, will you?
22:58Oi!
23:00Stop it!
23:02Come here!
23:08I'd like to kill you sometimes.
23:10Sometimes I'd really like to hurt you bad.
23:12What was that silly walk for?
23:14Your gut's playing you up again.
23:16It wasn't a silly walk.
23:18It was body language.
23:20Look, I've got this book on it.
23:22Body language?
23:24No, I thought you were limping.
23:25I thought you were lisping.
23:27What were you supposed to be saying, then?
23:29Well, the walk was saying...
23:31pelvis, virility.
23:33It was saying,
23:35now here comes a man who's got natural masculinity and maturity.
23:38Oh.
23:40From back here it was saying,
23:42here comes a man with his truss on back to front.
23:44Look, just don't do it, all right?
23:46Don't do it.
23:48Now, go over again, and this time, walk normal.
23:50Well, I'm not going back there now, am I?
23:52I made myself look a right lemon.
23:53What, after aborting me attempt to half-wave through?
23:55No, you go.
23:57Well, after you made a right lemon of yourself?
23:59No way, brother, no.
24:01Now, listen, come here, look.
24:03Tell you what we'll do, we'll act cool, all right?
24:05Just come on, stroll casually over to the bar,
24:07we'll get ourselves a drink,
24:09and then when they're not looking...
24:11Sneak out?
24:13We'll sneak... no.
24:15When they're not looking, we'll ambush them.
24:17You wally.
24:19Come on.
24:24Hey, Dale.
24:26I've got it, I've got it.
24:28No, just now.
24:30Shut up, shut up.
24:32This is what we're going to do.
24:34You're going to leave the club.
24:36Leave?
24:38Yeah, then when you get outside,
24:40you leave it a couple of minutes, right?
24:42Then you come back to the doorman,
24:44and you say that there is a brand new
24:46Rolls-Royce Cornish obstructing your freedom,
24:48and you say,
24:49then you come back to the doorman,
24:51and you say that there is a brand new
24:53Rolls-Royce Cornish obstructing your free-wheel van.
24:55Why?
24:57Well, because then he'll come on the mic, won't he,
24:59and say,
25:01will the owner of the brand new Rolls-Royce Cornish
25:03kindly move it as it is obstructing
25:05some sap's free-wheel van?
25:07See, then I will casually get up,
25:09jangling my keys,
25:11and join you outside.
25:13Why?
25:15Well, because then birds will think
25:17that I drive a brand new Rolls-Royce Cornish,
25:19Oh, yeah!
25:22Yeah, but they'll also think
25:24that I drive a free-wheel van.
25:26Yeah, well, you do, don't you?
25:28Yeah, I know I do,
25:30but I don't want them knowing that, do I?
25:32Well, they won't, will they?
25:34Because you'll be outside.
25:36With you?
25:38Right!
25:40So that means,
25:42the girls will be in here in the warm,
25:44and us two shrewdies will be outside
25:46on the pavement somewhere
25:48Yeah, all right.
25:50All right, then, clever dick.
25:52All right, what we'll do,
25:54we'll play it by ear.
25:56We'll just go over there
25:58and engage them in conversation, right?
26:00Right.
26:02I know what I'll do in a minute, Doug.
26:04What?
26:06What sort of conversation
26:08are you going to engage them in, eh?
26:10I mean, you always tell lies, don't you?
26:12You always say,
26:14oh, yeah, you've got flash cars
26:15and everyone exaggerates now and then, Rodney.
26:17Yeah, but I don't know what to say.
26:19I get embarrassed.
26:21Look, just tell them the truth, right?
26:23Just tell them about our lives and what we do.
26:25All right, all right.
26:27I just want to sit down.
26:29You can do the talking.
26:31Right.
26:33Now, hold it, Phil.
26:35Oh, God almighty!
26:37What shall I say to them?
26:39What?
26:41Well, I don't know.
26:43Why don't you tell them
26:45about the Lloyd and Shopping Precinct?
26:47You know, tantalise them, Rodney.
26:49Tantalise them.
26:51Don't think it might bore them?
26:53No, they won't have had so much fun
26:55since their last exorcism.
26:57We can talk about Christmas.
26:59Yeah, that's a good idea.
27:01Tell them all about the giblets.
27:03Come on.
27:05No, don't hold it.
27:07Look, I shall kick you in the shins in a minute.
27:09Now what?
27:11Which one do you fancy?
27:13Not yours.
27:15Neither mine, neither.
27:17Good. I'll have the blonde one, then.
27:19No, I fancy the blonde one.
27:21Golden, then it.
27:23Now, listen, the dark-haired one is very nice.
27:25And if I'm not mistaken,
27:27I've seen her two or three times
27:29coming out of Guy's Hospital.
27:31Now, either she is a very sick girl
27:33or she's a nurse.
27:35Now, you like a nice nurse, don't you, eh?
27:37Particularly if they're in uniform, eh?
27:39Well, you know, take it or leave it, you know.
27:41Anyway, she's not wearing a uniform, is she?
27:43Well, of course she ain't.
27:45But on the other hand,
27:47she might have a uniform with her.
27:49Oh, yeah, stuffed in her handbag
27:51in case she sees an accident on her way home.
27:53All right, so she hasn't got a uniform with her.
27:56On the other hand, she might have something
27:58for your stomach, mightn't she?
28:00Now, come along, we're going to make our move
28:02and I'm going to do all the talking.
28:04So if you should hear things like Lamborghini,
28:06Malibu Beach or Lady Diana,
28:08don't get nervous.
28:10All right.
28:16You dozy little twonk, Rodney.
28:18Me?
28:20Don't blame me, Dilly, it's your fault.
28:22Look, five minutes ago I was ready to make my move
28:24and you kept calling me back again.
28:26An hour ago I was halfway across that floor
28:28and you called me back.
28:30Yes, that's because you was doing a silly walk,
28:32weren't you?
28:34But anyway, your timing was all wrong.
28:36The girls had hardly sat down
28:38and you were steaming across the floor
28:40like Ivor the Engine.
28:42No good crashing in there with a smile and a prayer.
28:44A woman needs time, Rodney.
28:46Yeah, well, them tactics have never failed me in the past.
28:48Well, I know it wouldn't do with them oval-teenies
28:50that you chat up.
28:52Listen, I've heard your line of patter, my son.
28:54If they don't know Adamant's birthday
28:56or the Chelsea result, it's goodnight Vienna, isn't it?
28:58With me, it's different.
29:00I take a woman's feelings into consideration.
29:02I do.
29:04Look, when a woman goes out with me,
29:06she is guaranteed three things.
29:08Well, four, actually,
29:10but a fourth is an optional extra.
29:11She is guaranteed a well-dressed man.
29:13Yes, she is.
29:15She's guaranteed a steak meal
29:17and she is guaranteed care and consideration.
29:19Oh, now, come on.
29:21Oh, yes, she is.
29:23I take a woman's feelings into consideration.
29:25Oh, it's so easy to hurt her deeply
29:27with a faultless word,
29:29a sadly timed gesture.
29:32No, I care about women's feelings.
29:34There's too much pain in this world, Rodney,
29:36without me causing more.
29:38I don't care.
29:39There's too much pain in this world, Rodney,
29:41without me causing more.
29:50Oh, now.
29:52Excuse me, ladies.
29:54It's getting rather late
29:56and my brother and I were wondering
29:58if you were thinking about going home yet.
30:00Oh, yes, we were just going to get our coats.
30:02Oh, good.
30:04We can have your chairs then, can't we?
30:06Come on, come on, Rodney.