Оnlу Fооls & Ноrsеs S03 Е02 - Healthy Competition
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00:00Now, they're beautiful, aren't they? They're beautiful.
00:03Now, listen, I don't care whether your nipper has got measles mumps or a scabby eye,
00:07because these are guaranteed to bring a smile right back onto his face.
00:10Now, gather round, everybody, listen to me.
00:12Now, listen, ladies, I want to tell you something. Please don't let it go any further,
00:15because I'm afraid I might be in breach of the official secret there.
00:19I happen to know that little Prince William has one of these little fluffy toys in his nursery in Buckhouse.
00:25Now, I'll tell you how I know, shall I?
00:26Because his dad gave me a bell last week, and he said,
00:29Doughboy, Doughboy, he said, I'm in right lumber.
00:32The enemy's doing her pieces because I've forgotten Spud's birthday.
00:36Now, Spud happens to be the nickname for the little Prince William.
00:39So, what did I do? I walloped straight round there with one of these,
00:42and it was end of aggravation, end of story.
00:44Now, they come complete with batteries. They're guaranteed fully oustrain.
00:48Whoops, not that one, is it? Never mind.
00:50These are not made in Taiwan, and these are not made in Hong Kong.
00:53These chickens are made in Burma. What can't speak can't lie.
00:59Now, I'm not going to mess about with coppers. Now, that's a Freudian slip.
01:02So, I'm not asking for 14 quid. I'm not going to ask for 10 quid.
01:05Who'll give me six quid for this little yak?
01:09If these were fluffy little chickens, you'd be saying, good heavens, they're going cheap.
01:18And I'll tell you why I've got to get rid of them, shall I?
01:20Because I'm going on me holidays, and I need me suitcase, right?
01:24Now, what I... what I...
01:29Sorry I can't stay. Tell you what, I just remembered, me flight leaves in half an hour.
01:34See ya.
01:39Itchy, itchy. Excuse me.
01:50Shut up.
02:17Shut up, will ya?
02:20Shut up.
02:50Shut up.
03:21Shut up.
03:24Had a good day, Del.
03:28Had a good day, good day.
03:30Oh, the best, Grandad, the very bloody best.
03:33I've been chased by a gendarme, attacked by Pussycat Willem, and almost caught rabies,
03:37and it's all this dickstick's fault.
03:40Freudian half-exaggerate.
03:41Exaggerate? You should have been with me in that alley, Rodney. It was like Call of the Wild.
03:46Why didn't you warn me that that copper was coming?
03:48Because I didn't see him.
03:49You didn't see him? What, do you want me to get you radar or something?
03:54Oh, you've got to give him the benefit of the doubt, Del, boy.
03:56Yes, thank you, Grandad. At least somebody understands.
04:00I mean, they are difficult to spot with their size 18 boots and their pointed heads.
04:07Why don't you shut your mouth, you sulky old gunk?
04:10What about last Friday, then, when we were knocking out them Italian shirts?
04:13Listen to this one, Grandad. That wasn't just one copper you failed to warn me about.
04:17It was an entire squad car.
04:19I mean, it stood there by the kerb, all big and white, with a red stripe running through it like a tuba signal.
04:26Well, I didn't see it.
04:27You didn't see it? You must have been a tiny bit suspicious
04:30when this ginormous, great big jam sandwich pulled up next to you.
04:34Whatever you need is medical help, Del.
04:36Yeah, like psychiatric treatment.
04:38Or glasses.
04:39Look, I don't need psychiatric treatment, and I don't need specs, right?
04:44I've had a lot on me mind just recently.
04:46I've been struggling to find a way of making a very important announcement.
04:49Oh, yeah. What important announcement?
04:53All right. For the past two weeks or so, I've been taking stock of my life.
04:58Who I am, what I am, and where I'm going.
05:02And that's taken you a fortnight.
05:03I could have answered all those questions for you.
05:05I could have answered them all during a commercial break.
05:08Will you just shut up for one minute?
05:11I am 24 years old.
05:13I have two GCEs, 13 years of schooling,
05:16and three terms at an adult education centre behind me, right?
05:20And with all that, what have I become?
05:22I'm a lookout.
05:26No, Rodney, you're wrong.
05:28You're not just a lookout.
05:30You're a bad lookout!
05:32All right, so I'm not very good at it.
05:35Perhaps that's because my art's not really in it.
05:37I'm not asking you to put your art in it.
05:38Just your eyes will do.
05:40Del, what I'm trying to say is...
05:44I'm thinking of breaking up the partnership.
05:52What partnership?
05:54Ours!
05:55Oh, what do you want to do that for?
05:57We're doing well. Business is booming. Profits are up.
05:59What more do you want?
06:00I want to make my own decisions.
06:03And I've made one, Del.
06:05I'm going it alone.
06:06Who with?
06:07Micky Pearce.
06:08Micky Pearce?
06:09Oh, leave it out.
06:11He couldn't keep a rabbit going with lettuce.
06:13You want to watch that young Pearce?
06:15He's a bit too fly for my liking.
06:17He'd rob his own grandmother, he would.
06:19Oh, don't be stupid, Grandad.
06:21That was never proved.
06:23Anyway, you do credit where it's due, right?
06:26Micky's quite an astute businessman,
06:28and he's putting capital into this venture.
06:31Oh, he's putting money in, is he?
06:33Well, no, but he will as soon as his gyro check arrives.
06:37I see.
06:38And what are you putting in?
06:39I've got money, Del.
06:41Oh, have you?
06:42Yeah.
06:43I've got my eye for the partnership.
06:45What partnership?
06:46What our par...
06:55All right, if that is the way that you want it, my son.
06:59But you're going to have to understand one thing, Rodney.
07:01Going it alone means exactly what it says.
07:04Right?
07:05From now on, you've got to pay your own way in the world,
07:07you pay your own way in the pubs,
07:08and you pay your own way in this house.
07:10You make a mistake, you stick by that mistake, all right?
07:13Fine.
07:14Fine.
07:15If things don't go right for you,
07:16I don't want to hear no moaning or whining from you.
07:18Look, I won't moan or whine about nothing.
07:20Right.
07:21There you go, then.
07:26Is this all I've got?
07:27Hmm?
07:28Oh, bloody hell, Del, all them years of work,
07:29and you give me these?
07:31Yeah, well, I mean, you know, business a bit shaky,
07:33profits are down.
07:34Hold on a minute.
07:35Just a minute.
07:36You said we was doing well.
07:37Yeah, well, we are doing well, relatively speaking, Rodney.
07:40I mean, we are doing well compared to an Iranian gin salesman.
07:45Anyway, I had to buy some stock off Alfie Flowers yesterday,
07:48and I mean, a trader is only as good as his stock, right?
07:51All right.
07:52Well, this will have to do, then, won't it?
07:55But I'm going to prove to you that I have got business acumen,
07:58that I'm as quick-witted as you, Del.
08:01I'll see you down at the auction tomorrow.
08:02All right.
08:03How will I recognise you?
08:04I'll wear that stripy tie with...
08:09Lot 35, ladies and gentlemen,
08:11is a consignment of smoke-damaged fire alarms.
08:14Now, they're industrial models,
08:16all guaranteed to be in perfect working order.
08:20Well, we've written evidence from the night watchman
08:22to say they all went off when the factory went up.
08:24Now, there's 70 all told,
08:26and they usually retail around the 30 quid mark,
08:29so I can start the bidding at 50 pound a lot.
08:31Go on, bid for them.
08:33What do we want industrial fire alarms for, eh?
08:36How many factories do we know are going to catch fire?
08:40All right, Rodney.
08:42Good morning, Derek.
08:44Hello, young Michael.
08:46What's your deal?
08:47It's good here, isn't it?
08:49Oh, terrific.
08:51This is my first auction.
08:53I thought it might be.
08:55Listen, a word of advice.
08:57You've got to be very careful
08:59what you do with your hands in a place like this.
09:01I mean, I know you didn't realise it, Mickey,
09:03but just now you put in a 40 quid bid
09:05for an electric generator when you scratched your bum.
09:09He's winding you up.
09:12Look at the state of you.
09:16What are you after?
09:17Cut glass goblets.
09:19No, no, we ain't.
09:20But I thought you said...
09:21No, no.
09:22We're not after nothing in particular.
09:24Oh, I see.
09:26Now, listen.
09:27The one that you want to beware of is lot 37.
09:30It's nothing more than a load of old scrap iron, right?
09:33So be careful.
09:36See you later.
09:41130, thank you, sir.
09:42130, do I hear any more?
09:44130.
09:46Down it, young Towser.
09:48Now, ladies and gentlemen,
09:50we come to lot 36.
09:52112 pieces of near-perfect cut glass goblets.
09:56Take a look, ladies and gentlemen.
09:57Is this us, Rodney?
09:58No, hang on a minute.
10:00Let's have another look at lot 37.
10:02Yeah, but Del told us to be careful with that one.
10:04Yeah, and why do you think he did that?
10:06Use your noddle, Mickey.
10:08Del's after lot 37, isn't he?
10:11He's just trying to put us off
10:12and leave the field open for him, isn't he?
10:14I know how his mind works, Sam.
10:18Right, lot 37.
10:19Assorted agricultural machinery.
10:22Hey, that could be anything.
10:24That could be tractors, combined harvesters.
10:27Yeah, we could take them out the sticks
10:29and do them old carrot crunches up.
10:31Shall we go for lot 37, then?
10:33Yeah.
10:34Yeah.
10:35Yeah.
10:38You bought this, son?
10:41Yeah.
10:44Del would want it every auction.
10:45Let Del.
10:46Yeah, get two for the same price at this one.
10:49I'm telling you, this stuff is a load of rubbish.
10:52I know, I did try to warn you, Rodders.
10:54Yeah, but I thought...
10:55Yeah, no, the trouble with you is, Rodney,
10:57that you will insist on thinking.
11:00Well, what have you bought, then?
11:02I got those crystal goblets that you were after.
11:06What are these things?
11:07What, those?
11:08They are lawnmower engines.
11:10Lawnmower engines?
11:11Yes.
11:12Listen, they're not ordinary lawnmower engines.
11:18No?
11:19No.
11:21They're broken lawnmowers.
11:26Oh!
11:31Del?
11:32Hmm?
11:33We'll probably have a few problems getting these back to the depot.
11:37Yeah, we come down on a green line, see?
11:39Yeah.
11:41Oh, well, your best bet is to hire an open-back truck then, isn't it?
11:45Yeah.
11:46But we was wondering whether you could take maybe a few in the back of the van.
11:51Back of my van?
11:53You must be joking.
11:56I've only just cleared them out of the van.
12:02You mean you was selling them in the first place?
12:04Yeah.
12:06That is the rubbish that Alfie Flower sold me.
12:09Normally, I'd never have bought it, but, you know,
12:11he caught me when I was a bit non-competent,
12:13it's down at 111 Club.
12:15Well, I never thought I'd ever get shot of them,
12:17but you know me, Rodney.
12:18He who dares, wins.
12:21Actually, made a tidy little profit on it and all.
12:26Well, what are we supposed to do with them?
12:28Well, why don't you do what I did?
12:30Find yourself a couple of right little plonkers with cash on the hip.
12:39So, what are we going to do?
12:43Wait till he ain't looking and run away.
12:47No, we can't do that. He's got my address.
12:49Yeah, well, he ain't got mine.
12:51Oh, thanks, partner.
12:53Well, you would insist on bidding for them.
12:55Yeah, and who wanted to go down to the sticks
12:57and flog them to the carrot crunchers?
12:59Well, you said they were combine harvesters and tractors.
13:02The way you were talking, we were going to do a deal with wheat a bit.
13:04Oh, get off my face.
13:08Oh, we're going to get home there anyway.
13:11Hello, Grandad.
13:12Here I am.
13:13Look at this. Brought you some strawberries.
13:14Go on, dip in.
13:15Oh.
13:16Here.
13:17They ain't very big, are they?
13:19What do you mean, they ain't very big?
13:20You wouldn't like one of those up your nose for a walk, would you?
13:26Well, go on then, shut up and eat up.
13:27I'll put the kettle on.
13:29You're splashing out a bit, aren't you?
13:31Yeah, well, I've had the right blinding week.
13:33I've sold the loft.
13:34Here, he even sold those technicoloured woollen tea cosies I bought.
13:37Now, how do you manage that?
13:38Who in the hell wants woollen tea cosies these days?
13:41No, no, no, no, look.
13:42I got that Mrs Murphy, right, to stitch up all the holes,
13:45and then I whipped down to the youth centre
13:47and I flogged them to the West Indian lads as soppy hats.
13:53There you go.
13:54Look, there's the housekeeping money, all right,
13:55and look at that, there's a tenner for yourself.
13:57Oh, cheers, Gil.
13:58That's it, don't squander it.
13:59No, no, I'll invest it wisely.
14:04How's young Rodney doing?
14:06Ah, well, the opposition are floundering somewhat.
14:08Well, to be more precise,
14:10they're going down like a one-legged man doing the okey-cokey.
14:15I've seen Rodney skulking around the garden centres and what have you.
14:19He ain't got rid of them lawnmower engines yet.
14:21No, they're still in their depot.
14:24Well, depot, that's Mickey Pierce's garden shed.
14:27Yeah, they're talking about that.
14:29Do you know what happened last Tuesday night?
14:31Somebody broke into their shed and nicked two of them engines.
14:34Oh, no, that's rotten, ain't it?
14:36I feel sorry for young Rodney.
14:38No, no, no, it's all right,
14:39because Wednesday night they broke in again and put them back.
14:43Here he is.
14:44Listen, Dale Boy, don't say nothing about them lawnmower engines.
14:47I think he's getting a bit embarrassed about them.
14:49Oh, I won't mention them.
14:55All right, Dale?
14:56Terrific, Brill Rodders. Had a blinding week. How about you?
14:59Oh, fine. Could not be better.
15:04Sold those lawnmower engines yet?
15:07Lawnmower, lawnmower.
15:09Oh, no, no.
15:10No, we've had lots of inquiries, obviously,
15:12but we're hanging on for the right price, you know.
15:14Oh, that is the way, Rodney.
15:16Agent provocateur, as the French would say.
15:18Well, that's what I thought.
15:21Oh, that reminds me.
15:22Did the paper boy bring my son this morning?
15:24Well, we've had to cancel it, Rodney.
15:26Cancel it? Why?
15:27Well, you haven't paid your bill, have you?
15:29What, I'm paying that separate as well now, am I?
15:31Yeah, well, you're on your own now, remember?
15:33Oh, yeah, yeah, it's all right.
15:34I'm just saying, you know, as long as I know.
15:36I'll go and pay it tomorrow.
15:37You angry, Rodney?
15:40Well, I had a pretty hefty lunch with a client earlier on,
15:44but, yeah, I reckon I could manage some egg and chips.
15:46I'll go and put the pan on.
15:48Just a minute, just a minute.
15:49Has he paid his housekeeping money?
15:52Well, I've got a bit of a cash flow problem at the moment.
15:55Well, so's half the people on this estate,
15:57but they don't come in here eating my egg and chips.
16:00Oh, that's all right.
16:01I'll pay double next week.
16:02Oh, well, that's all right, then.
16:04That's all right.
16:05You can have double egg and chips next week.
16:08I can't have a cash flow problem, Rodney.
16:11I thought you had nearly £200 left out of your share.
16:14Yeah, yeah, that's right, but Mickey's holding the money.
16:21Well, he's financial director, see?
16:23Well, why don't you pop round his house and get some money?
16:26Yeah, yeah, I would, but he's out of town at the moment.
16:29Yeah, I thought I hadn't seen him around for about four or five days.
16:33No, no.
16:35Well, that's cos we're doing this really big deal, you see,
16:38and Mickey's going to have to tie up all the loose ends.
16:41Oh, well, that explains it, then.
16:44Explains what?
16:45I saw his mum this morning.
16:46She said she just got a postcard from him from Benidorm.
16:48Benidorm?
16:50He's doing all right.
16:51You know, the weather's fine, food's good.
16:53Met this Swedish bird called Helga.
16:56Oh, would that be the contact that he went to meet?
16:59What?
17:00Yeah, yeah, yeah.
17:03Well, I've got to admire your bottle, Rodders.
17:06I must admit, you've been in the business five minutes
17:09and already you've opened up a Spanish branch.
17:14You've cornered the world market on broken lawnmower engines.
17:18What's your partner doing now?
17:19Is he buying second-hand Pedlos?
17:22No, no, no, nothing like that, no.
17:24We're, um...
17:25We're going into the self-catering holiday trade.
17:27Oh, what, on 200 nikka?
17:29Yeah, but we're starting in a small way.
17:31What, you got a Wendy house?
17:39Well, then, I am not prepared to discuss the situation any longer.
17:43All right? It's confidential information.
17:45That's right.
17:46I understand, Rodney. No, no.
17:49I understand.
17:52Well, I'm off out.
17:53Where are you going?
17:54Well, I thought I might go down and have a couple of flight outs down the Nag's Head
17:57and then go on to the Star of Bengal for a Ruby Murray.
18:02Coming?
18:03It's not populous, is it?
18:04What?
18:05Uh, no.
18:07No, I really ought to stay in and do the company accounts, I suppose.
18:10Oh, here they are.
18:12Oh, jeez.
18:13I'll be back.
18:29You don't really think I'm that hard, do you, Rodney?
18:33No.
18:34No.
18:35Course I'm not.
18:36Oh, jeez, Dale.
18:39Granddad, do him their Megan chips, will you?
18:44Oh.
18:57Oi, Tony.
18:59None of the boys been in?
19:00I haven't seen any of them, Dale.
19:02Oh, young Talzer's just come in for a takeaway.
19:04Oh, has he?
19:05Oh, yeah.
19:06Oi, Talzer!
19:07Talzer!
19:09WHISTLE BLOWS
19:11Sorry, madam, your onion barge is down there by your foot.
19:15Hello, Dale. How's it going?
19:17All right, my son. Sit down and have yourself a pop with them.
19:19No, listen, I can't get involved.
19:20I'm getting the missus a takeaway and I want to get home tonight.
19:22Come on, you got a tight red drink. Go on, sit down.
19:24Oh, cheers.
19:25Listen, I'm glad I bumped into you.
19:26I want you to do me a favour.
19:28What's that?
19:29Oh, sit down, sit down.
19:30You know those broken lawnmower engines that dozy twonk Rodney got himself lumbered with?
19:34Yeah, what about them?
19:35I want you to buy them off him.
19:36You want me to do what?
19:37Do me a favour, Dale.
19:38Alfie Flowers offered me them engines a month ago.
19:40I don't want nothing to do with them.
19:42It's all right, it's all right.
19:43Listen, you don't have to spend any money.
19:46I'll give you the money.
19:48Here, see that?
19:49Look.
19:50200 quid.
19:51I want you to offer him that.
19:52200?
19:53Here.
19:54They're only worth about a score of scrap value.
19:56I know, but I want him to think he's made a good profit.
19:59Look, he's had a bad week.
20:00He's been tucked up something chronic by that best mate of his and now he's brassy.
20:03Well, why don't you just give him the money?
20:05Well, because he seemed like charity, wouldn't he?
20:09Yeah.
20:10And he'd be too proud to accept it.
20:11No, he'd snap it up like a shot.
20:14But I want him to think that he's been successful.
20:18I want him to believe that he's proved me wrong.
20:21It's important, Towser.
20:24All right then, Dale.
20:25If that's what you want, you're a pal.
20:29Don't let him know that I'm here.
20:31You say to him that you've got this contact in the GLC Parks Department
20:34and they can't get enough lawnmower engines, something like that.
20:37You see, the thing is, I'm not going to lose out on the deal.
20:41Because come this time tomorrow, Rodney will want to be my partner again
20:44and I will get my money back.
20:47That's it.
20:48Hey, wait a minute.
20:50What am I going to do with all these engines?
20:52Well, I'm going to dump them somewhere.
20:53Oh, no, no.
20:54I couldn't do that, Dale.
20:55I mean, I got Nick for fly dumping a couple of months ago.
20:57I mean, they're going to chuck the cook at me.
20:59Well, I'll tell you what you do.
21:00Take them back to Alfie Flowers and tell him that he can have them for nothing.
21:03Yeah.
21:04All right, Dale.
21:05Here, hang about.
21:07What's in it for me?
21:12I'll give you 15 for it.
21:14Oh, yeah.
21:1520.
21:16That'll do.
21:18Anything for a mate?
21:22I wouldn't pay that bill if I were you.
21:25Thank you, Dale.
21:26Good night.
21:27Good night.
21:28Thank you, Dale.
21:29Good night.
21:35All right, brothers?
21:36Yeah.
21:37Yeah.
21:40Hey, look.
21:41I've had a right blinding day.
21:42Look at that, look.
21:43Here, I must tell you.
21:44There was a really silly bloke down the market today.
21:46I think he must have come from a funny farm.
21:48He was really silly.
21:49I said to him, I said,
21:50Here, do you want to buy some broken lawnmower engines?
21:53And he said to me,
21:54I ain't that silly.
21:56For your information, Derek,
21:58this morning I successfully negotiated the sale of them engines to Young Towser.
22:03You're kidding me.
22:05No.
22:06On my life, he's bought the lot.
22:07He's got a contact in the parks department at the GLC.
22:10Cool.
22:11Well, that's a stroke of luck, isn't it?
22:12No.
22:13No, it's not luck, Dale.
22:14That is good business sense.
22:16I knew all the time if I held on long enough I'd get my price.
22:19Yeah, well, I must say I admire your courage, Rudders.
22:22Hey, well,
22:23he who dares, wins.
22:27Yeah, that's right.
22:29So, well, that Mickey Pierce,
22:31he's going to be pleased when he comes back off holiday, isn't he?
22:33Now, don't you talk to me about that Mickey Pierce.
22:35I've liquidated our partnership.
22:37Oh.
22:38So, what are you going to do then?
22:40I mean, you're still carrying on on your own, right?
22:44Well, I was thinking,
22:47oh, you know.
22:50Go back as we was, eh?
22:52You and me.
22:53Yeah.
22:54You and me, Dale, eh?
22:55Yeah.
22:56And now I've got experience in buying and selling myself.
22:59Yeah, that could be invaluable, Rudders.
23:02Yeah, OK then, come on.
23:03Let's pool our resources.
23:04Right.
23:05There we go.
23:06Now then,
23:07how much did you get for them normal engines?
23:09£165.
23:15Is that all you got for them, Rodney?
23:17Well, it's not bad, Dale,
23:18because they're only worth, what?
23:19A score, scrap value.
23:21Hmm.
23:22Certainly have learnt a lot, haven't you, Rudders?
23:25OK, let's see the colour of your money.
23:26Well, I ain't got it.
23:28What do you mean?
23:29That towser didn't pay you?
23:30Oh, yeah, he paid me,
23:31but I've invested the money.
23:32You what?
23:34I went down to Alfie Flowers' yard,
23:35got us another load of lawnmower engines.
23:48You're joking.
23:49Tell me that you're joking.
23:50No.
23:51Towser's bloke at the GLC,
23:52well, he can't get enough of them engines.
23:55I tell you, I was dead lucky down at Alfie's.
23:57He'd had another load delivered this morning.
24:01Don't worry, though,
24:02because they're exactly the same as the others.
24:07And bet your life they're the same.
24:11What a 42-carat plonker you really are.
24:16Come on, Dale,
24:17don't you think it's time you showed a bit of faith in me?
24:20Yes.
24:21Anything you say, Rodney, anything you say.
24:24Good.
24:25Oi, Dale, I was wondering,
24:27now that we're partners again,
24:28do you think you could help me out?
24:30Eh?
24:31Because I ain't had a pint all week.
24:33All I've had to eat is Grandad's cooking,
24:35and look, the soul's coming off me best Gucci.
24:38Look.
24:40Yeah, I'll help you out, Rodders.
24:43Put that round your Gucci,
24:44it'll stop the soul coming off.