Оnlу Fооls & Ноrsеs S02 Е08 - Diamonds Are for Heather
Category
🎥
Short filmTranscript
00:00Hey, it's good of you, Del Boy.
00:20Yeah, I wish you could say the same about this chicken.
00:23What's wrong with it, tough?
00:24Tough? Tough is the toughest chicken I've ever known.
00:27He's asked me for a fight in the car park twice.
00:31All right, come on, what's upset you?
00:33Eh, nothing, don't worry about me, Rodney.
00:35I'm not worried about you, I'm worried about the fibre I spent on this ticket.
00:39I thought we'd be enjoying ourselves, you know.
00:41What's the matter?
00:42Oh, it's just that I went round to Lenny Morris' little kid's christening today, you know,
00:46and there was just this fantastic atmosphere in his front room.
00:50You know, his mum and dad were there, and his wife, and his little baby.
00:54And I thought, you know, he's got all his family round him.
00:58He's got a real family.
01:01And what have I got?
01:02You've got us.
01:04Yeah, I thought of that.
01:06That is when I left.
01:08You know that rich fur what he's been seeing lately, her with the nose?
01:12Well, she's just given him the old Evo.
01:14No.
01:16Oh, well, that explains it, doesn't it?
01:17Del had high hopes of selling some gear to her.
01:19What sort of gear?
01:20Well, her dad left her a chain of laundrettes in his will, right?
01:23Del's gone and lumbered himself a two-tonne of hooky persil.
01:27Why don't you say nothing, Rodney?
01:29It's only in confidence.
01:30No, no, of course not.
01:31Right, here you are.
01:32Come on.
01:33Get some of this gut rock down your neck.
01:35Oh, come on, Del.
01:36Cheer up, eh?
01:38I tell you what, let's have a family sing-song like any old days, eh?
01:41Yeah, all right.
01:42All right, come on then.
01:43Go on, Rodney.
01:44Start us off.
01:45Yeah, right.
01:46All together.
01:48Right.
01:55Oi, Enrico.
01:56Enrico.
01:57Come here a minute, will you?
01:58Si, senor.
01:59Listen, do us a favour, will you?
02:01Sing Old Shep for me, will you?
02:03Oh, leave it out, Del.
02:04Not Old Shep again.
02:05I'm trying to enjoy ourselves.
02:07You can't enjoy yourself with a song about a dead dog.
02:12Sing Old Shep.
02:13Sing Old Shep.
02:14Senor, it's not possible to sing the Old Shep song.
02:18It is, how do you say, the tragic song.
02:21It makes the tears fall from the eyes.
02:24Go on, sing Old Shep.
02:28Look, leave it out, will you, Del?
02:29Boy, I've got to live in the world.
02:32That's a killer of a song.
02:34Once I've sung that, the evening's finished.
02:37Look, I'll sing another song for you, eh?
02:40Any other song.
02:42But no way do I sing Old Shep.
02:49Sing Old Shep.
02:53When I was a lad
02:56And Old Shep was a bum
03:00For the hills and meadows we rode
03:07Just a boy and his bum
03:11We were just full of fun
03:15We grew up together that way
03:22But if dogs have a heaven
03:25There's one thing I know
03:29Old Shep has a wonderful home
03:42Bravo!
03:43Bravo, Enrico.
03:44Di Stefano, my son.
03:46Di Stefano.
03:47Ah, Puskus, Puskus.
03:50That is my most favourite song about a dog, that is, you know.
03:54Yeah, I mean, that song's about dead dogs go.
03:56It's a real mind-bender, isn't it?
03:59The only trouble is nobody likes it.
04:01Yes, they do.
04:02Yes, they do. I like it.
04:03And that young lady over there, she likes it.
04:05Excuse me.
04:10Excuse me, gentlemen.
04:11I think I've got a cultural encounter coming on.
04:16While you're over there, ask your cultural encounter
04:18if she's all right for Purcell.
04:29Good evening.
04:30Oh, hello.
04:31Do you mind if I park my bot?
04:32No, please.
04:33A drink?
04:35Well, that was...
04:36Oh, sorry.
04:38That was a lovely song, that, wasn't it?
04:40Beautiful, eh?
04:41Always gets me right here, that does, yes.
04:43Always brings back such poignant memories.
04:46Did you have an old dog?
04:48Oh, I've had many old dogs in my time.
04:51Sorry, what did you say your name was?
04:54Heather.
04:55Heather.
04:56That's a beautiful name, that, isn't it?
04:57Heather.
04:58It's one of my most favourite names, that, Heather.
05:00My name is Bill.
05:01It's short for Derek.
05:04Do you know what the word Derek means?
05:06No, I don't.
05:07No, nor do I.
05:08I'm always meaning to check it out.
05:10I'm very surprised to see a charming young lady like yourself
05:13here on her own.
05:14Well, I'm supposed to be meeting someone here.
05:17Girlfriend.
05:18But she doesn't seem to have shown up,
05:20so I was just about to leave.
05:21Well, don't blame you.
05:22Now he's sung that song, it's stung dead in here, isn't it, eh?
05:25Listen, I hope you don't think I'm being fooled or nothing,
05:27but I just wondered if you fancied going on
05:29for a drink in a little nightclub that I know.
05:31Well, I'm not sure.
05:32It's getting home in early hours.
05:34Well, there's no bother, no.
05:35I can always drop you off.
05:36Do you live local?
05:37Brixton.
05:38Oh, Brixton.
05:39Do you really?
05:40Oh, that's funny, that is.
05:41Funny I haven't seen you before,
05:42because I do a lot of work down there, you know, in Rorke's Drift.
05:46What line are you in?
05:48Um, I'm an importer-exporter of quality merchandise.
05:56You know, antiques, that sort of thing.
05:58I tend to specialise in Parisian, hot, couture fashion, you know,
06:01and special objet d'art, modern works of art, that sort of thing.
06:05That sounds fascinating.
06:06Oh, yes, it is.
06:07I tell you what, if you're interested,
06:10I've got some very cheap washing powder.
06:14Oh, that's great.
06:15Great.
06:18Here.
06:22Sorry about the light.
06:25The landlord took the bowl bar.
06:29He says he's doing his bit to conserve world energy.
06:32It's a rare combination, isn't it?
06:34A ring collector and a friend of the earth.
06:37Well, mine instead...
06:38Oh!
06:42Well, this is it.
06:45Told you it wasn't much of a flat, didn't I?
06:47Well done. It could be worse.
06:49Oh, yeah? How?
06:50Could have been on the top floor.
06:59Servoir frassé.
07:01Moi non glacé.
07:04As they would say in France.
07:06Oh, true. Very true.
07:10I didn't hear you come in.
07:12Don't worry, I'm late, love. Del took me on to a nightclub.
07:17He's only being friendly, John.
07:24Oh, Del, let me introduce you.
07:26This is Brian.
07:27Brian lives downstairs.
07:29He's my babysitter.
07:33Oh, well, I'm...
07:34Pleased to meet you, Brian.
07:36Nice to meet you, too.
07:38Well, I won't stop.
07:40I've got some studying to catch up on.
07:43Brian goes away to university soon.
07:46You're a bit long in the tooth for that sort of lark, aren't you?
07:49I'm a mature student.
07:51He and my brother went to university.
07:53Oh, really? What was he reading?
07:55God knows. Mayfair and Penthouse, knowing him.
07:59Yes, I see. Well, I really must be going.
08:01See you in the week, Heather. Bye for now.
08:03Thanks for looking after the place, Brian.
08:05Hope you didn't get on your nerves too much.
08:07No, no, no. I've...
08:09I've got to get used to people like him.
08:13No, I meant the baby.
08:15Oh, sorry.
08:17No, no, no. He was as good as gold.
08:19Bye for now.
08:20Bye. Mind the step.
08:22I didn't know you had a baby.
08:24Well, he's not a baby anymore. He's nearly three and a half.
08:27There's a picture of him on the mantelpiece.
08:30Blimey, he's a big lad for his age, isn't he?
08:33No, that's Vic, my husband.
08:35Oh.
08:36That's Darren.
08:37Oh, he's a little cracker, isn't he?
08:40Here. Where's your husband these days?
08:42I don't know. And I don't particularly care.
08:45He walked out of here one morning.
08:47He said he was popping down the job centre to sign on.
08:50That was 18 months ago.
08:52Well, the way things are, he could still be queuing.
08:56Do you know, when we got engaged, Vic had a straight choice
09:00between going on holiday with his mates or buying me an engagement ring.
09:04Did he send you a postcard?
09:06Like hell he did. Vic looked after number one.
09:09I don't think he was ever meant to be married.
09:12Couldn't face the responsibility.
09:14I used to say to him, Vic,
09:16I used to say, you've got a baby now, Vic.
09:19Isn't it time you sorted yourself out and...
09:21Oh, God.
09:23I'm sorry, Del.
09:25There's nothing worse than having your ear bent by somebody else's problems.
09:29I'm just tired.
09:31Yeah, well, I'd better be off.
09:33I've got an early call in the morning.
09:35Yeah, I've got to get down to Peckham by seven.
09:39Pick up a consignment of fire-damaged walks.
09:45I'll be finished by about ten.
09:47I just wondered whether you might fancy going out for the day,
09:50having a spot of lunch, something like that?
09:52Yeah, I'd love to. I'll see if Brian will babysit again.
09:55No, I meant you and the boy.
09:57Are you sure? Yeah.
09:59Most men don't want to know when they find you've got a baby.
10:02Yeah, well, I'm not most men, ever.
10:11Yeah, OK, well...
10:13Yeah, I'll, um...
10:15I'll see you about 11, right? Tomorrow.
10:17Yeah, all right, then. Yeah, OK, then.
10:19Bye, then. Bye.
10:25Oh.
10:26Mum, stop!
10:45LAUGHTER
11:15LAUGHTER
11:45LAUGHTER
11:54Oh, he's funny.
12:05LAUGHTER
12:15LAUGHTER
12:40That's right. Come on in, Darren.
12:42Kick the ball to your Uncle Dale.
12:45LAUGHTER
12:49Good boy.
12:51Good boy, good boy, my son.
12:53Now, let's see you come out of the car.
13:02This way.
13:04Good boy.
13:06You're going to play for England one of these days.
13:08What do you reckon, Rodney?
13:10Darren could play for England now, couldn't he?
13:12He's better than that load of rubbish.
13:17Just have a look at him, will you?
13:19He's like a born-again Ovaltini.
13:23Look at him for, what, six weeks? And look at him.
13:26I don't know what's got into him.
13:28He spends most of his time on them climbing frames and swings and what have you.
13:33The other day, I see the caretaker telling him off
13:36for coming down the slide backwards.
13:39Down backwards?
13:41That's a bit dangerous, isn't it?
13:43I mean, all his conkers and marbles could have fallen into his pocket.
13:51What is it, Rodney?
13:54What's he doing?
13:56Oh, nothing, mate. He was just talking about walleys, that's all.
14:02Not so much of it.
14:06Here you are, Darren.
14:09That's another thing. I wish he'd get rid of this sign.
14:12I mean, whenever I'm sitting in the passenger seat, people look at me sort of funny.
14:17Oh, I wouldn't let that bother you, Rodney.
14:20No?
14:21No. They most probably just think you're a poof.
14:40You must have spent a third of your life standing in front of mirrors.
14:46My earliest childhood recollection is of you standing in front of a mirror.
14:54Up until I was four, I thought you was twins.
15:00If you're all trying to wind me up, Rodney, it ain't gonna work.
15:03No way, bruv, cos tonight is a very, very happy night
15:06and a very, very special one for me.
15:08What is it, Cubs night?
15:11No, it ain't Cubs night.
15:13Well, come on, Rodney, how do I look, eh?
15:15You look like a second-hand car trader.
15:17Oh, thanks a lot, Rod.
15:19Here, that reminds me. We were talking earlier on about Heather and Darren coming over for Christmas.
15:23I mean, you don't mind, do you, cos you like Heather, don't you, eh?
15:27Yeah, she's all right.
15:29What about you, Grandad? You like Darren, don't you, eh?
15:32He's not a noisy little brat, is he?
15:34Oh, no, he's a good little kid.
15:37Here, Rod, how do you feel about Heather becoming your sister-in-law?
15:42Who, what?
15:43No, no, no, not now, not immediately.
15:45I mean, you know, some time in the future.
15:47I mean, you know, I haven't even mentioned it to her yet.
15:49I mean, I don't want to jump me guns, eh?
15:51Well, I'm not fast.
15:53You don't want to come and live here with that noisy little brat, will she?
15:57No, no. We've applied for a council house.
16:01Well, where's me billy go? Oh, here it is, yeah, right, that's it.
16:04Well, I'm off out then.
16:06I'm taking Heather out for an evening that she will never forget.
16:09You know, it's going to be soft lights, music, champagne
16:13and, of course, the very, very finest of foods.
16:17I only hope she likes curry.
16:20Well...
16:25I suppose it was always on the cards.
16:28I think they'll be happy together, don't you?
16:30Oh, yes, she's a good girl. She'll look after him.
16:33Yeah, and he thinks the world of that kid, doesn't he?
16:38I suppose so.
16:39I suppose so.
16:40I suppose so.
16:41I suppose so.
16:42I suppose so.
16:43I suppose so.
16:44I suppose so.
16:45I suppose so.
16:46I suppose so.
16:47I suppose so.
16:49And they fit so neatly into his style of living.
16:51You know, fast foods, ready-to-wear suits.
16:54Now he's got an instant family, eh?
16:58I'm...
16:59I'm pleased for him.
17:01You seem to be forgetting something, Rodney.
17:03If Del Boy moves into his council gaff with his off-the-peg next-to-kin,
17:08who the hell's going to pay the rent, gas and electric in this place, eh?
17:18We'll have chicken tikka off the bone,
17:21mutton madras,
17:23a pair of onion bhajis,
17:25four poppadoms,
17:26some naan bread,
17:27and a couple of portions of rice.
17:29Right?
17:30Yes, which rice would you like?
17:33Have you got any Uncle Ben's?
17:38No, sir, we have pillow rice, basmati rice or plain white rice.
17:42Oh, we'll have the pillow rice.
17:43Make sure you take the feathers out first.
17:46Oh, and Tony, I want a bottle of your finest champagne.
17:49All right, son?
17:50Yes, sir.
17:53You're pushing the boat out a bit, aren't you?
17:55I'm always like this when I've got something to celebrate.
17:57Oh, yeah? What are we celebrating?
17:59You sold all them Chinese woks?
18:01No, no, I got a bit lumbered with them, actually.
18:03I'm giving them away free with packets of Persil.
18:08What's the champagne in aid of?
18:10Well...
18:16Christmas.
18:18What is it?
18:19Well, open it, see.
18:26Oh, Del.
18:28Well?
18:30Oh, it's lovely.
18:34Got it off this mate of mine, Abdul.
18:37Gets a discount at Atton Garden.
18:41Del,
18:42is this an engagement ring?
18:45No, it's a set of socket spanners.
18:48Of course it's an engagement ring.
18:51I'll change it if you like.
18:53See, I remember what you said, that you liked solitaire diamonds.
18:56So I thought, you know, I'd get her a cluster of solitaires.
19:04No.
19:05No, it's a beautiful ring, Del.
19:07What's happened?
19:10It's Vic.
19:12Oh, has your nose blocked up?
19:16No.
19:19No.
19:22No, it's Vic, my husband.
19:24Oh.
19:25Well, what about him?
19:27He wrote to me last week.
19:29Oh, yeah, last week. You didn't mention it.
19:31I know.
19:32I'm trying to find the right moment to bring the subject up.
19:36Well, he's living in Southampton.
19:38Got himself a nice flat, apparently.
19:41He wants me and Darren to move down there with him.
19:44You know, try again.
19:46See if we can make it work this time.
19:49Oh.
19:50Yeah, well...
19:53I mean, you're not going to believe all that old pony, are you?
19:58Are you?
20:00The thing is, Del, he's still my husband.
20:04He's Darren's father.
20:07I owe it to him.
20:08Oh, come on, don't give me all that, Heather.
20:11I mean, he don't care a monkey's about you and Darren.
20:13I mean, what did big, brave Vic do when the going got heavy, eh?
20:16He pulled on his hiking boots and had it away on his toes.
20:19You don't know what he's like, Del.
20:20I do know what he's like, cos he's exactly like my old man.
20:22That's what he did to me 18 years ago.
20:24It wasn't all his fault.
20:26He was unemployed.
20:28All he wanted was a regular job.
20:31No idea what sort of pressure that can do to a family.
20:35Well, he's got himself a job now in a department store.
20:38Yeah, doing what?
20:40He's a Father Christmas.
20:44Oh, well, that's a steady little number, that, ain't it, eh?
20:47Free uniform, luncheon vouchers, 48 weeks holiday a year.
20:53I still love him.
20:58What about me?
21:01I love you, Del.
21:03But not in that way.
21:05I feel for you the way someone would feel for a...
21:08Goldfish or a gerbil?
21:10No.
21:12Like a brother.
21:14I feel for you the way you feel for Rodney.
21:17I thought you liked me.
21:20However, I thought that you and I had an understanding.
21:23Honestly, Del, I never knew you felt that strongly.
21:27I mean, you never said anything.
21:31I'm not a poet, ever.
21:33You know, I can't do all that lovey-dovey stuff.
21:38I feel things.
21:40Every time I try to say them, they...
21:42They always come out...
21:44Wally-ish.
21:47I thought it was obvious, the way that I felt for you.
21:50What else could I have done?
21:53I don't know.
21:55A sign or something?
21:58Tie a yellow ribbon round an old oak tree or something?
22:03I leave next Tuesday.
22:05Will you come round and say goodbye to Darren?
22:11No.
22:13He really talked to you?
22:16You like kids, don't you?
22:19Yeah.
22:21I used to go to school with a lot of them.
22:25It's a beautiful ring, Del.
22:31Normally, I'd let you keep it, but...
22:33I've only got it on a week's approval.
22:35I don't really feel hungry anymore, Del.
22:37I think I'll go.
22:41It's all right. I'll get a taxi.
23:05Bye.
23:35Holy infant so tender and mild
23:41Sleep in heavenly peace
23:48Sleep in heavenly peace
23:56We wish you a merry Christmas
23:59We wish you a merry Christmas
24:01We wish you a merry Christmas
24:03And a happy new year
24:05Good tidings we bring to you and your king
24:10We wish you a merry Christmas
24:12And a happy new year
24:14We wish you a merry Christmas
24:16We wish you a merry Christmas
24:18We wish you a merry Christmas
24:20And a happy new year
24:27When I was a child
24:30We used to travel far and wide
24:33O'er hills and meadows we'd stride
24:38With our father and his dog
24:41We were both born on a farm
24:44We lived through a wild winter