Оnlу Fооls & Ноrsеs S02 Е02 - Ashes to Ashes
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00:00Why shed a tear for the recession when you've got me about, eh?
00:03Now, just look what I bought you today, girls.
00:05Look at that. Authentic French nylon tights.
00:07All right? As worn by Sacha Destel's mum.
00:10No, seriously, I'm being serious.
00:12Now, they're 20 deniers, and they're sheer nylon.
00:14Not only are they run-proof, but they're fun-proof as well.
00:16Now, listen, if I asked you for a pound a pair, I'd get killed in the stampede, wouldn't I?
00:20Yes, I would, I know. I can see your face.
00:22But I tell you what, I'm not going to ask you for a pound a pair.
00:24I'm not going to ask you for 80 pence a pair.
00:26What did you say? You give me 60 pence a pair, will you, love?
00:28Put your money away. I don't want 60 pence a pair.
00:32I want 50 pence a pair, and I'm starving myself.
00:36Now, come on, ladies. Here.
00:38I thought you were bargain hunters, you ladies.
00:41You can't even get these in the factory for 50 pence a pair.
00:49Wait, Rodney, am I keeping you awake?
00:51No, don't you mind, mate, though. You carry on.
00:54Listen, I know the government keeps asking us to save energy,
00:57but this is taking a piss.
00:59Look, I didn't get a lot of sleep last night,
01:02worrying about all the trouble and what have you.
01:04Trouble? What trouble?
01:06Well, last night I went round that bird Linda's house for the evening, right?
01:09And her mum and dad come home earlier than what we expected.
01:13Catch you at it, did they?
01:15Well, no, no, they didn't actually catch us.
01:17It was all a bit of a panic, though.
01:19So where does all the trouble come from, then?
01:21Well, as I was leaving, her dad just happened to notice
01:24I had me jeans on back to front.
01:28You had your jeans on back to front?
01:31What did he say?
01:33He swore at me.
01:35I bet he did.
01:37I bet he didn't know whether you were coming or going, did he?
01:43Oh, hello, Trigg.
01:45Here, how's your gran?
01:47Well, didn't you hear, Del, me old girl passed on?
01:49Oh, what a shame. I am sorry, Trigg.
01:52Well, your fault, Del.
01:54Your funeral's on Friday. You'll come, won't you?
01:56Oh, Friday? It's a bit difficult. I'm a bit tied up, actually, Trigg.
02:00Anyway, you don't want a big crowd there, do you?
02:02There won't be a big crowd, Del. I'm the only one who's going.
02:08Oh, yeah. Yeah, I'll come.
02:11I'll tell you what, I'll bring granddad and all,
02:13cos he used to know your gran, didn't he?
02:15Rodney'll come as well.
02:17Cheers, Del. Appreciate it.
02:19It's all right.
02:21I'll tell you what, I'll order a car, shall I?
02:24That's a good idea, Trigg.
02:26I'll see you at gran's house, about ten o'clock.
02:28All right, cheers.
02:30Oi, you. What's the idea of lumbering me with a funeral?
02:33He's a mate, innit?
02:35You wouldn't want him to go on his own, would you?
02:37Well... Of course you wouldn't.
02:39Anyway, going to a funeral would be good practice for me and granddad.
02:43Just for what?
02:44When that Linda's dad catches up with you.
02:46Now, that is not funny, Derek.
02:48I think it is hilarious.
02:50All right, come on then, girls.
02:52Here we are. Genuine French tights, as worn by Charles Asnabort.
03:12Wedgwood. Wedgwood's pottery.
03:15Oh, is it? Oh, yeah, I always get those two mixed up.
03:17That must have been why I couldn't sell that Chippendale teapot last week.
03:21Here, look at this over here, look.
03:23Look at that.
03:28It's a copy.
03:30No, these are nice. Look at that. These are nice.
03:33Matching pair and all.
03:35Talk about a vulture.
03:37Now, listen, granddad, look.
03:39Trigg's gran left him these in her will, right?
03:41And all this other stuff. And he wants to sell it, right?
03:43Do you know Trigg? He's not the brightest thing in Christendom, is he, eh?
03:47I mean, I know a lot of people are born eight me short of a shilling,
03:49but in Trigg's case, God added V.A.T.
03:53Look, if he tries to take this lot uptown, he's going to get right taken on, isn't he, eh?
03:56So I reckon it's much better that he gets, well, you know,
03:59stitched up by a friend rather than a stranger.
04:03I'll put your coats in the bedroom.
04:05Fancy a drink?
04:07Dave?
04:09Well, I'll just have a small, large one, Trigg.
04:12Don't you think this is a wrong time and place to be shenting it up?
04:15No, no, of course not, eh?
04:16Oi, Trigg, what do you reckon, eh?
04:18Would your gran like to think of us, you know, standing around moping and mourning?
04:21Yeah, she'd have loved it.
04:23She was a miserable old cow.
04:25She never used to be like that, son.
04:27When she was younger, she was a real live wire.
04:30Life and soul of the party was Alice.
04:33Yeah, I heard she was a bit of a girl.
04:35Though I reckon that's what helped finish my granddad off.
04:38You knew my granddad, Arthur, didn't you, Mr Trotter?
04:40Yeah, I knew Arthur all right.
04:42He was a smashy man.
04:44He took care of me when my mum went.
04:46Where was your dad?
04:47He died a couple of years before I was born.
04:54You can almost see my granddad now.
04:56Sitting by the fire.
04:58One leg on a fender.
04:59Other one in a corner.
05:04That's right, he had a false leg, didn't he?
05:06Came off.
05:08He was a road sweeper as well.
05:10Yeah, taught you to trade, didn't he, Trigg, eh?
05:12Takes you back, doesn't it?
05:14Come on, Trigg, it's no point dwelling in the past.
05:16You've got to look towards the future, ain't you?
05:18Come on, you're going on your holidays on Tuesday, ain't you?
05:20Yeah, I'm looking forward to that, Del.
05:22I've been under a bit of pressure lately,
05:24what with Gran in hospital and me case being adjourned.
05:26It'll be nice to get away from it all.
05:28I'm going to live it up a bit.
05:30Discos, nightclubs, golden beaches, blue skies.
05:34Oh, sounds great, Trigg. Where are you going?
05:36Ireland.
05:39Gran left me a bit of money and these bits and pieces,
05:42so I ain't short of a few, Bob.
05:44Karl's here.
05:46Well, just take one last look round the old place.
05:50When you think of all that's gone on in this house,
05:54me Gran and Grandad live in here together.
05:58What makes you go cold, doesn't it?
06:00No, no, come on, Trigg, should be the opposite, shouldn't it?
06:02I mean, you must remember all the warmth
06:04and the love that they had between them.
06:06They weren't much of that, though, boy.
06:08They didn't talk to each other for 15 years.
06:1015 years?
06:12Well, me Grandad found out that while he was away in the army,
06:14she used to have another man in the house.
06:22Did you ever hear that rumour?
06:24Me? No, son.
06:26Did he ever say who it was?
06:28Never. Wish I knew, though.
06:30I'll go and fetch our coats.
06:32They're in the bedroom. It's up the stairs.
06:34I know where it is.
06:40That confirms it, Rodders.
06:42Yeah? Yeah.
06:44Confirms what?
06:46Well, look, see that little mark there?
06:48What? There.
06:50Oh, I can get that off.
06:52No, not there.
06:56Not on there. On there, look.
06:58That little mark there, look.
07:00That confirms that these urns are my son.
07:02No.
07:04Yeah. No, guaranteed, brother.
07:08My son, eh?
07:12What's my son, then, Dale?
07:14It was German china, innit?
07:16Mid-19th century, according to the book.
07:18Now, there was a china sale at Christie's the other week,
07:20and a couple of pieces similar to these,
07:22not in such good condition,
07:24went for 250.
07:26These must be worth 300 of anybody's money.
07:28But it was a newspaper in my bedroom
07:30with an article about it. I'll go and fetch it.
07:32And, oi, you.
07:34You just keep your mitts off that, right?
07:36Got me eye on you.
07:38300 nikka.
07:40Don't look very valuable.
07:42Yeah, well, the best ones never do, do they?
07:44Looks like the stuff we used to win at the fair.
07:46Oi, you break that
07:48and he'll stuff your head down a bog.
07:52Good-o, Margie.
07:54Grandad, what's up with you?
07:56Just look for yourself.
07:58Look for what?
08:00What's in there?
08:04It's not a spider, is it?
08:06No.
08:12What is it?
08:14It's Arthur.
08:16Arthur?
08:18Trigger's grandad Arthur.
08:20Dems his ashes.
08:24Put the lid on, Rodney.
08:27Oh...
08:29Bloody hell.
08:31Dale!
08:33Could you come in here, please?
08:35There's something up with one of the urns.
08:37That soppy old git's broken it.
08:39I'll stick his head down the Karsey.
08:43Well, what's up?
08:45It's Arthur's ashes.
08:47Arthur's ashes?
08:49That's the black bloke and one Wimbledon, innit?
08:52No.
08:56It's Trigger's grandad Arthur.
08:58His ashes is in that urn.
09:06Don't take the top off.
09:08What's the matter with you,
09:10don't take the top off?
09:12What have you got in there, a genie or something?
09:18Well, how do you know it's him?
09:21It's hardly a passport photo, is it?
09:23Is him all right, Dale?
09:25I know it's him.
09:27It's all right, all right then.
09:29So it's him, there you are, look.
09:31Nothing to worry about, is there?
09:33Nothing to worry about?
09:35You don't know the full story, do you?
09:37You see, them rumours about me and Arthur's wife,
09:39well, they was true.
09:41But nothing happened between us, Dale.
09:43You've got to believe that, nothing happened.
09:45Well, we was just two lonely people.
09:47Arthur was away in the army
09:50and your gran had just departed.
09:54Oh no, she hadn't died, just departed.
09:58Well, we was just a bit of company for each other,
10:00that's all.
10:02But Arthur wouldn't believe that.
10:04Well, he wasn't as soppy as they made out then, was he?
10:06He put a curse on me, Dale.
10:08He pointed his bony finger at me
10:10and he said,
10:12Trotter, someday, somehow,
10:14I'm going to come back and haunt you.
10:16And he had gypsy blood in him, Dale.
10:19You know what they say about a gypsy's curse?
10:23Oh, come on, you don't believe all that pony, do you?
10:25Yeah, I mean, it was a long time ago, wasn't it?
10:27You moved since then, he's never going to find you now.
10:31Then again, being a gypsy, you might move around a bit, eh?
10:33He's all...
10:35He's never going to find me, look over there.
10:37He's in the same bloody room as me.
10:45Now, don't be silly, Grandad.
10:47I mean, ghosts and all that,
10:49it's a load of rubbish, isn't it?
10:51Yeah, I mean, it's Gracie Kid stuff, isn't it?
10:53Yeah.
10:55That's right, yeah.
10:57No, no, I'm going to go to my room and get the paper, all right?
10:59Yeah.
11:09Who left this wooden leg out here?
11:11Don't be such a silly girl, Bonnie.
11:17Whoo!
11:34I mean, the thing is, Arthur,
11:36you and me used to be friends once.
11:39So, I mean, there ain't no point in holding a grudge, is there?
11:44I know what happened annoyed you.
11:47It would have annoyed me.
11:49But, well, it was a long time ago,
11:51so why don't we just let bygones be bygones, eh?
11:59Well, you never frightened me
12:01with all that old tosh about a curse and what have you.
12:04I mean, I ain't the superstitious type.
12:08In fact, I don't know why I'm talking to you now.
12:11Ah, well, I know you can't hear me, Arthur.
12:15That is what you think, trot on.
12:25Ah, ah, ah, ah, Arthur?
12:29You mean you can hear me?
12:32You're coming through louder than a CB, rubber duck.
12:38Is it forgiveness that you seek, trot on?
12:42Well, yeah.
12:44I'm really very sorry for what's happened, Arthur.
12:48Ah, but how do I know that you mean it?
12:52Oh, I do, Arthur. I do, really.
12:55I'll do anything to prove it to you, Arthur, anything you say.
12:59All right, then. Tell me where your money's hidden.
13:04I ain't got no money.
13:07Oh, don't give me that, you lying old git.
13:10I know you're all right for a few, Bob,
13:13but I want to know where it is hidden.
13:15It's in me suitcase under me bed.
13:18No, it ain't, I looked.
13:22You've been under my bed?
13:25I've been everywhere, trot on.
13:28I am always with you.
13:32On those cold winter nights
13:34when your two grandsons, Rodney and the good-looking one, are out.
13:38Have you never felt a presence?
13:41I am the chill wind that wakes you in the dead of night.
13:46I am the movement in the curtains.
13:55I am also the creaking of the floorboards.
13:59I am always with you.
14:02Even when you're alone, I am keeping you company.
14:09What are you doing?
14:19Oh, you stupid son of a bitch!
14:23Oh, you stupid son of a bitch!
14:29What's all that about?
14:33Who is he?
14:34Old stoppie here was holding a séance with his little mate Arthur.
14:38Don't underestimate the powers of the unknown, dear old boy.
14:41All I say is get the message out of this house.
14:43Why don't you try and get in touch with Trigger?
14:45Get him to take them away.
14:47What do you think I've been trying to do all evening?
14:49I've left messages for him everywhere.
14:51He's off on a three-week holiday soon.
14:53Looks like we'll have to dispose of them ourselves then.
14:56Yeah, looks like it.
14:57I suppose that's the least we can do, is to give him a dignified send-off.
15:01Well, anyway, we can't give anyone a dignified send-off at three o'clock in the morning.
15:05Right? So we'll do it tomorrow.
15:07You got any ideas how we're going to do it?
15:09Well, I thought we'd put him in an envelope and post him anonymously to a priest.
15:14Bowls.
15:18Well, you got any better suggestions then?
15:20Bowls.
15:21He was a lifelong member of the Peckham Bowling Club.
15:24I think he'd love to be scattered over that green.
15:28Yeah.
15:29Well, all right, that's what we'll do then.
15:31Well, they could refuse permission.
15:33Yeah, only if we ask.
15:35Come on, Adele.
15:36You can't go merrily sprinkling someone's ashes over a bowling green without being noticed.
15:40They'll be playing on it.
15:42That is why we're going to do it at night when they're not playing on it.
15:45All right?
15:46All right, well, I'm going back to bed.
15:48Yeah, so am I.
15:50Adele, boy, do you think I've made me peace with Arthur now?
15:54I mean, that were a good idea of mine about the bowling green, weren't it?
15:58I think he'd have liked that.
16:00And you heard me apologise to him, didn't you?
16:02I mean, I don't think I ain't done nothing else that could incur his wrath, have I?
16:07No. No, of course not.
16:10Mind you, there is one tiny little thing that might have upset him.
16:14What's that, Adele?
16:16Well, Arthur is over there.
16:20Sweet dreams.
16:40What are we going to do now?
16:43How should I know?
16:45This was his favourite bowling club, right?
16:47So he spent many happy hours, right?
16:49So I'll just turn the urn upside down and we'll have it weighing our toes.
16:53Hey, no, you can't just tip it upside down.
16:56It'll leave a mound.
16:57They'll think they've got moles.
17:00Scatter it evenly about whilst we sing a hymn or something.
17:05Do you know any hymns?
17:07Um...
17:08We Three Kings of Orient Are.
17:11We Three...
17:12That is a Christmas carol.
17:14Why?
17:16Then why don't you go whole hog and sing Jingle Bells while I dance about and we sprinkle him around?
17:21Shh!
17:23Do what you want, but hurry up.
17:25All right, I'll just say a prayer.
17:27Get down on your knees.
17:35Dear God, high up in the sky...
17:39Oh, my God.
17:46LAUGHTER
18:03Can't see a thing, my dear. There's nothing there at all.
18:06I think you're imagining it.
18:08Bill, I assure you, I saw something.
18:10You spent...
18:16Heave to, Rodney. Heave to. This'll do nicely.
18:20Bill, I told you before and I'm going to tell you again.
18:23You cannot perform a burial at sea at St Catherine's Dock.
18:27I'm not performing a burial at sea, am I?
18:29I'm performing one of them Indian ceremonies, like what they do in the Ganges.
18:32I saw it on Ricker's World.
18:34Don't worry, it'll be a doddle.
18:35But his river's polluted.
18:37Well, that ain't going to upset Arthur, is it, eh?
18:39It's not going to do the river much good, is it, Arthur?
18:41Oh, shut up, will you?
18:43Sit quiet for a minute.
18:46This thing's so...religious.
18:53What are you doing?
18:58God almighty.
19:03I repeat, what are you doing?
19:08Thank God for that.
19:10Say something sensible, Bill.
19:12I mean, don't go telling them we're boat people or nothing.
19:15We're Buddhists.
19:19We're scattering some remains.
19:22It's part of our religion.
19:24Have you written permission from the river authorities?
19:28Have we written permission from the river authorities?
19:31Well, of course we bloody ain't.
19:33Of course we bloody...
19:35No, I'm afraid not, officer.
19:38You can't do it, then.
19:42Oh. Oh, I see.
19:44Right. Well, thank you very much for all your help.
19:49Let him get out of sight and then I'll pour it overboard, all right?
19:52We'll escort you back to the shore.
19:57Oh, right. Thank you very much.
19:59Yeah.
20:01I think not.
20:03There's never a copper around when you need one.
20:06Sods are always there when you don't need them.
20:09Full ahead boat for you.
20:27Magic, ain't they?
20:29The old Irish tumble dryer.
20:34Oi.
20:36You weren't, were you?
20:38Yeah, of course I weren't.
20:40What do you think I am, a Philistine or something?
20:45Could be a sign, you know.
20:47What?
20:48Our failure to get rid of the contents of that urn.
20:50It could be a sign that we didn't ought to dabble in that sort of thing.
20:54What are you going on about?
20:56Well, look, we're walking straight into the unknown here, aren't we?
20:59I mean, you don't know what strange dark powers we might evoke.
21:03Oh, give over, you tart.
21:05Do you think the bogeymen are going to come round and get us in our flat?
21:08If they do, they'll be too knackered to do any haunting.
21:11Them lifts are broken down again.
21:14Yeah, well, as far as I'm concerned, Del, you can scrub round it, all right?
21:18Give yours to the church jumble sale or something.
21:20I'd wash me hands of them.
21:22Rodders, listen, don't be a plonker.
21:25They're worth 300 quid.
21:27And you don't go giving our national treasures to jumble sales, do you?
21:31Eh? I mean, just think what we could do with 300 quid, eh?
21:35We could get a nice new suit each.
21:39Get you a nice pair of dungarees.
21:46That thing's just sucked up our urn.
21:48Oi! Oi!
21:52Oi! Oi!
21:54Oi! Stop!
21:56Oi! You've sucked up our urn!
21:58Your urn?
22:00Oh, my God, what was he, a little kid?
22:04Is he winding me up or what?
22:05No, he just doesn't understand.
22:07It's not urn as in Ernie.
22:09It's urn as in, you know, Grecian.
22:11Oh.
22:12Well, I thought there was something blocking me tubes.
22:15He'd block his tubes permanently.
22:20Come on, then.
22:22Is it there?
22:23Ernie?
22:24Oh, that's it.
22:25I never see you.
22:27That's it. Thanks.
22:29Be more careful where you leave your blimmin' Grecian urns in future.
22:34Let the union in on this, I will.
22:37Oh, my God, it's empty.
22:40It's empty.
22:43Arthur's been sucked up into that thing.
22:47It wasn't our fault, though, was it, Rodders? Eh?
22:50No.
22:51No, it was a complete accident, Dale.
22:53Totally beyond our control.
22:55There's no need for us to reproach ourselves.
22:58Is there?
22:59No, no, no, there isn't.
23:02Must have been an act of God.
23:04I mean, don't you see the poetic irony of it?
23:07Well, Arthur used to be a road sweeper.
23:10To him, this must be like a Viking's burial.
23:24Maybe he would have wanted it like this.
23:28Maybe.
23:30I doubt it, but maybe.
23:40Now, hang on. He's just coming in now.
23:43Dale boy, it's for you.
23:45Who is it?
23:46Trigger.
23:48Trigger? What's he want?
23:50He said you've been leaving messages for him to phone you.
23:53Yeah, I know, I had. That's when I wanted him to have his grandad's ashes back.
23:56But we've got rid of them now.
23:58But here, supposing he wants them back after he comes back off holiday?
24:02He wants me to keep them, what am I going to say?
24:04Er...
24:06Well, you just say...
24:09Oh, you'll think of something.
24:11Oh, yes, thank you very much, Rodney.
24:13Oh, and thank you for your great help.
24:15Git.
24:19Oh, Trigg, how's it going, my son?
24:21Yeah?
24:22What's the weather like?
24:24Oh, foggy, is it? Well, it's a bit misty here.
24:27Yeah. Where are you?
24:29You're fog-bound at Gatwick Airport.
24:32Still here. He could get in a cab and come back for it, couldn't he?
24:36Um, yeah, well, Trigg, the thing is, look, we've got a bit of a problem.
24:40Yeah, and it's a bit delicate, so...
24:43Well, you know, I'd brace yourself if I were you.
24:46Yeah.
24:47Well, you remember them urns that I had off you, huh?
24:50Yeah, well, you see, I was just sort of cleaning them up, like,
24:53getting ready to go to the Boy Scouts bring-and-buy sale.
24:57And, uh, well, I...
24:59I found your grandad's ashes in one of them.
25:03Yeah, and I wondered what you wanted me to do with them.
25:06Yeah, well, this is the problem, innit?
25:08I mean, what do you do with them?
25:10Um, look, why don't you leave it up to me, Trigg?
25:14Eh?
25:15Of course it will be a respectable and dignified ceremony.
25:19Yep. Yeah, good boy.
25:21Well, you know it makes sense.
25:24Yeah.
25:26Eh?
25:27Well, they must be your grandad's.
25:32No, I didn't know that.
25:35No.
25:36No, nobody told me.
25:39Right.
25:40You have a nice time, Trigg, and I'll see you when you get back, all right?
25:43You have a nice time, Trigg, and I'll see you when you get back, all right?
25:59Something you forgot to tell me, weren't there, grandad?
26:01What's that, dear old boy?
26:05Trigger's nan was married twice.
26:07Oh, no!