Оnlу Fооls & Ноrsеs S08 Е02 - Modern Men Рart 1
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00:00Dale? If you've got a minute, would you run a lever over my mini?
00:06Marlene, I am not a car cleaner.
00:11I merely agreed to do a bit of part-time driving for Boise, that is all.
00:16I'm sorry, darling, I forgot. You're just doing it to earn a bit of money?
00:21No, no, no, no, this is a hobby of mine.
00:24I love driving you and Boise to weddings and what have you, hanging around and picking you up at midnight.
00:30Yes, Marlene, I am doing it purely to earn a few quid.
00:34It's no secret that I've got a few problems on the old financial front.
00:38I suppose being made bankrupt doesn't help, does it?
00:43Do you know, I never thought of that.
00:46Marlene, will you finish doing your make-up? Your face should be ready for the second coat now.
00:51Will you keep your noise down, Boise? Do you want the neighbours to think we're vulgar?
00:57Dale? Coffee?
00:59Oh, yeah, thanks very much. Cheers, boys.
01:01No, I mean, go round to the kitchen and make me a cup.
01:06Here, boys. You know, this car's a GTI.
01:09If you rearrange the letters, you've got yourself a personalised number plate.
01:15Attention is in mind.
01:25Good afternoon.
01:27Oh, howdy.
01:28Have Mr and Mrs Boise moved?
01:32Um, no. No, they're in prison.
01:36Yeah, I'm just searching the house, you know. I'm from the drug squad.
01:43They will be out on parole shortly, so watch your step.
01:48Thank you, officer.
01:50Not at all, Mum.
01:54Two sugars.
01:58I mean, I shouldn't be going to this wedding in my condition. I can't even smell my own aftershave.
02:03Mind you, I can't smell Del's either, so that's a plus.
02:06Will you keep your big mouth shut at this wedding? I don't want you being sarcastic to my family.
02:11Well, that'll limit the conversation, then, won't it?
02:13I mean, they make Grant Mitchell look intelligent.
02:17I'm fed up with having to defend you.
02:19The times I've said to him, yes, he's ugly, but he's successful.
02:24And you've been nice to my mum.
02:26It's taken me five years to convince her you're not a vampire.
02:31All right. Looking forward to the wedding, then.
02:35You look lovely, darling.
02:39We're here, darling. We're here.
02:43Did I tell you about my new business deal?
02:46Well, you did mention it two or three dozen times.
02:50Yeah, five or six weeks from now, and boys will be flying off to Paris to sign the contract.
02:55He's going to be a multi-millionaire.
02:58Oh, please don't. I'm going to wet myself in a minute.
03:01Well, we don't know whether to buy a new house or have this one renovated.
03:05Well, Marlene, have some sensitivity.
03:08Don't talk about millions of pounds and big houses in front of Del.
03:13It'll make him feel nostalgic.
03:15It must be horrible for you and Raquel, having all that money and then losing it.
03:19Good always comes out of bad, Boise.
03:23As Raquel says, it's made her appreciate the little things of life.
03:29Marlene knows all about that. She had no choice.
03:36When the contract's signed, Del, I'd like us two to get together for a little chat.
03:42I want to know what you did when you became a millionaire.
03:45Make sure I don't make the same mistakes.
03:53Marlene, where's my hair gel?
03:56Wherever you left it!
03:58Oh!
04:06LAUGHTER
04:21LAUGHTER
04:36LAUGHTER
04:51Hey, Uncle Rodders?
04:53Mm?
04:54What was my dad like as a teenager?
04:57Horrible.
05:00Booyakasha!
05:05Uncle Rodders?
05:07Mm?
05:08What sort of teenager do you think I'll be?
05:10Horrible.
05:12Yes!
05:14Oh, Mum, Uncle Rodders says I'll be horrible when I'm all grown up.
05:17Oh, did he?
05:19No, what I meant was, all teenagers are horrible, aren't they?
05:22They go through that Kevin and Perry period.
05:24Yeah, I suppose they are a bit annoying.
05:26But when you reach 21, a man leaves those days behind him
05:29and develops into a sensible, normal human being.
05:32Anyway, so I squeezed this tube...
05:34I squeezed this tube of onion puree into his hair gel.
05:39So, boy, she goes to the wedding smelling like a Big Mac.
05:45Well, that's the theory, anyway.
05:48So, what's happening? Anything on the go?
05:50What's that about?
05:52It's all right, just a bit of business. Nothing for you to worry about, right?
05:55Nothing for me to... Derek, may I remind you
05:57that I am the managing director of Trotters Independent Traders now.
06:00Cool! He's better than the bean, Owen!
06:04Hang about, hang about, hang on, will you?
06:06You were declared bankrupt.
06:08You have been banned from running any company,
06:10from sitting on any board or from dealing in any shares.
06:13They don't even want you riding past the stock exchange on a bike.
06:16And you owe the inland revenue over £50,000.
06:20Yeah, well, all right, who's the one that's out there
06:22earning money driving for Boise, eh?
06:24Well, you sit on your IQ, you know...
06:26Excuse me! I'm trying to eat!
06:28Yeah, all right, all right.
06:30I'll take this conference call into the boardroom.
06:32Oh, all right.
06:34Yeah, sorry about that, pal, what did you say?
06:36No, it was just Rodney, you know,
06:38he was reminding me who was in charge of the firm.
06:40What? Oh, yeah.
06:46Look, I'm sorry to spoil your appetite, Raquel,
06:48but we can't hide from this thing.
06:50If we don't come up with that money in a few months' time,
06:52then the inland revenue are going to sell this flat to the highest bidder
06:55and we're all going to be...
06:57I don't know where we're going to be.
06:59And I've got added responsibilities now.
07:01I know. But Dale will think of something.
07:03Is that supposed to encourage me?
07:05It was Dale thinking of something
07:07that got us in this mess.
07:09The judge blamed both of you.
07:11He said you were like two modern-day Nero's
07:13playing at business while your empire burnt.
07:15We may have been two Nero's, Raquel,
07:17but only one was fiddling.
07:21Yeah, yeah. Kushti. Kushti monkey.
07:23Yeah, all right, monkey.
07:25All right, well, we'll see you, monkey.
07:27All right. Bonjour, monkey.
07:29That was monkey.
07:31Anyway, he's only had a consignment
07:33of log-effect gas fires
07:35coming from Slovakia.
07:37Derek, I am running firm now
07:39and I don't want a load of Slovakian log-effect gas fires.
07:41Yeah, I know. That's what I told him.
07:43Oh. Good.
07:45How do you know I didn't warn him?
07:47Well, because we know what each other's thinking,
07:49don't we?
07:51You know, we've always been a bit telescopic.
07:53Anyway, these gas fires,
07:55they're selling like hot cakes.
07:57Paddy the Greek, he bought 150 of them, right?
07:59And sold them to that builder who's
08:01renovating the Bob Marley estate.
08:03Got 50 quid a pop for him.
08:0550 pound a piece? Yep. And then there's that Lenny Corby,
08:07you know, the gas fitter?
08:09He's putting one in each room in this big house
08:11that he's doing up. I thought, well, easy money.
08:13Then I thought to myself, you know,
08:15there's business, right?
08:17And then there's what Rodney's doing.
08:19What are we into now?
08:21We're into party planning.
08:23Yes. And that sort of thing is big.
08:25Yeah, that's right. Up in Sloane Square,
08:27where they like a roasted pepper
08:29and a bucket of couscous.
08:31But this is Peckham, where they like,
08:33you know, a kebab and a tattoo.
08:35It seems that they are very,
08:37very fond of log effect gas fires.
08:39Yeah, well, given it some
08:41consideration, and I am interested in them now.
08:43Oh, good, because I told him we'd have 20.
08:45Right.
08:48Oi!
08:50Oi, oi, oi, will you stop that?
08:52Cor, look, that is your uncle's urn, that is.
08:57Oi, oi, oi, what are you doing up?
08:59It's daytime. I always get up.
09:01It's sort of a tradition. Yes, I know.
09:03But you're pregnant now and you're supposed to rest.
09:05Now, where were you going? To the kitchen
09:07to get some juice. I'll get you the juice.
09:09Oh, I can get the juice myself. I'll get the juice.
09:11No, I'm good at getting the juice.
09:13For God's sake, I'll get the juice.
09:15Damien, go and get the juice.
09:19You've got to calm down, Rodney.
09:21There's a long way to go and at this rate
09:23you'll be a nervous wreck by the time the baby's born.
09:25You've got to be very strong, both physically
09:27and mentally, before the baby arrives.
09:29I remember the night that Damien
09:31was born.
09:33It was a wonderful,
09:35wonderful moment.
09:37But it was very, very traumatic
09:39and very, very stressful.
09:41And it wasn't a walk in the park
09:43for you, Raquel, was it, either?
09:45No, it wasn't.
09:47I'll go and get
09:49some more tea and I'm going to get some
09:51cereal. Me, not you,
09:53not anyone else, just me.
09:55Alright, alright. Just be careful.
09:57Oh, my God.
09:59Hey, Rodney, come on, sit down.
10:01Damien like a Moby.
10:03I've been waiting a long time for this baby.
10:05I don't want anything to go wrong.
10:07No, no, it's fair enough, fair enough.
10:09Tell me something.
10:11There's one thing I still don't understand.
10:13A year ago,
10:15you and Cassandra were really trying
10:17for this baby, weren't you?
10:19I mean, you was at it like a pair of goats.
10:21I remember that
10:23you became so pale, you had to have your passport
10:25photo redone.
10:27Derek, will you stop
10:29discussing my private life in front of Damien?
10:31Yes, yes, yes, alright, alright, sorry.
10:33Anyway, when nothing
10:35happened, she sent you up to Harley Street,
10:37eh, to have a little test on all your
10:39old, you know, on your...
10:41Yeah, I know.
10:43Because I remember going around to your flat, you know,
10:45I couldn't get a bottle of milk in the fridge
10:47for specimens.
10:49And I remember
10:51what you said to me. You said if it hadn't been for the
10:53magazines, you would have packed it in.
10:57Look, we simply
10:59weren't very successful to begin with
11:01and they thought that I might have a low count.
11:03Yes, I know, but you were back and forth there
11:05for ages. Same, they didn't give air miles.
11:07And a low count?
11:09Call Blimey, he was on the calculator. Trigger.
11:13I don't believe you. And then you announced
11:15that you've changed your mind about having a
11:17chavvy and then you go late night
11:19shopping at Family Planning.
11:21Cassandra and I discussed it and our initial
11:23reaction was, quite naturally, to hold
11:25back until the financial climate was more
11:27conducive to starting a family, right?
11:29Then...
11:31we had a change of heart. Yeah, well, I understand
11:33that. But in a minute, you're going to have
11:35the bailiffs, aren't you? It's got parents.
11:37We decided
11:39to try for this baby as a token, Dale.
11:41As a token of our belief in our
11:43marriage. Of Trotter's independent
11:45traders. Of the future of Britain.
11:47But most importantly of all,
11:49as a token of our belief
11:51in this family.
11:53Wouldn't he?
11:57If your dear mother could hear you now, she'd be so
11:59proud of you. It's just how we
12:01feel. Good boy.
12:03Here,
12:05how do I get babies?
12:07I bet you do. It must have been
12:09horrible!
12:11He's a
12:13lad, isn't he?
12:15I'll just go in there and kick his teeth down his throat.
12:21You know, that kid does my head in.
12:23And I bet it was him who nicked
12:25your contraceptive pills.
12:27He's so silly.
12:29I searched all over this flat.
12:31There was nowhere to be found. No, it was him.
12:33Rat boy.
12:35Leave him alone. He's only young.
12:37Yeah, but he seems to know everything.
12:39It's like a cross between Darry Potter and
12:41Swampy.
12:43Right, Rogers, come on. Get your arse in gear.
12:45We've got some business to sort out. Here, go and start the van,
12:47will ya?
12:49He, uh, ain't got used to me being in charge yet, has he?
12:53Oh, bye.
12:55Final reminder.
12:57Final reminder.
12:59Final reminder.
13:01This is not a circular.
13:03No, it's a final reminder.
13:05Oh, here's a letter addressed to Albert
13:07Trotter. It's from the Royal
13:09Naval Association. They obviously haven't
13:11heard. Should we open it?
13:13No, best leave it to Del.
13:15Right, I'm off, sweetheart.
13:17See you later, Cassandra.
13:19Del? Yeah?
13:21A letter's arrived from the Seamen's Association.
13:23Oh, that'll be for Rodney.
13:39A cup of tea, please, Carol.
13:41Right, Busy?
13:43Denzel?
13:47Yes, certainly.
13:49You are witnessing one of nature's great
13:51phenomena. One that, sadly,
13:53over the years, David Attenborough has
13:55ignored. It's called the
13:57Brothers trying to park a three-wheel vehicle.
13:59Hard on your left!
14:01Hard on your left!
14:03That's it, hard on your left!
14:05Hard on your left!
14:07Right hand down!
14:09Hard on your left, Dave!
14:11Will you shut up? No!
14:13Hey!
14:15You're at the wrong angle, aren't you?
14:17So how's business?
14:19Business? What business?
14:21I've just got myself
14:23a new truck, and I haven't
14:25had any bloody work since.
14:27I mean, everything's just bad news these days.
14:29Ah, well, that's where you could be wrong, my friend.
14:33I'm in the motor trade, right?
14:35And recently, a fellow Mason from my
14:37lodge mentioned my firm to
14:39a certain big-time player whose name
14:41I cannot possibly divulge.
14:43Suffice it to say,
14:45he's a Lebanese gentleman
14:47who has made his mark in Europe.
14:51Now pull out and straighten it up!
14:56Bloody hell, Rodney,
14:58they reversed vasectomies quicker than this!
15:00Shut up, will you?
15:02Hard on your left, Dave!
15:06So, uh,
15:08so what's his business?
15:10Well, let's just say he's in the commercial sector.
15:12Negotiations are at an
15:14extremely sensitive stage,
15:16but in a few weeks' time,
15:18Boyce Autos could hold the UK franchise
15:20for most of them cheap, low-tax cars in Europe.
15:22Great!
15:24So, uh, where do I fit in?
15:26You?
15:28You don't.
15:32So why are you telling me this, then?
15:34Well, you said it was all bad news,
15:36but it isn't.
15:38Next month, I could be a millionaire.
15:42I don't suddenly believe you, Boyce.
15:44I'm only trying to cheer you up, Denzel.
15:48Can you smell onions?
15:55If you don't get it in this time,
15:57I'm going to back it in myself.
15:59Oi, who's running his firm now?
16:01Oh, it's got you puzzled as well, has it?
16:14At last.
16:19You can't park there, Dave.
16:22You're far too close to a council-owned installation.
16:26As part of my duties as an environmental hygienist
16:28to advise you of the law.
16:30What's in that thing?
16:32Freezing salt.
16:34As people like me, at the sharp end,
16:36you have to spread that salt on the roads
16:38in icy conditions.
16:40What icy conditions?
16:42Why, you have to attend lectures
16:44on modern climactic change.
16:46What with global warming and Al Pacino.
16:49El Nino, Trigger.
16:53You just don't know what's going to happen next.
16:57Trigger, Rodney and I are going to get a bite to eat.
16:59If I buy you two pints of bitter and a cheese roll,
17:03will you turn a blind eye to it?
17:06Are you trying to bribe me?
17:08Yes.
17:10All right, then. Come on, let's go.
17:14If I keep on, I'm going to tell him what I think of him.
17:16What's happened?
17:18The neighbours, they've stopped talking to us.
17:20They're looking down their noses like they think we're criminals.
17:24Oh, they've heard about my European deal.
17:26They're just jealous.
17:28Ignore them.
17:30All right, what's so funny?
17:32It's your advert, isn't it?
17:34I mean, it's just stupid.
17:36Look, Rodney, I used to run my own firm.
17:38Yeah, I know, you got probation for that, didn't you?
17:40Yeah, well, it didn't go as well as I'd planned, too,
17:42but the point I'm trying to make
17:44is nobody reads the small ads.
17:46No, well, that is where you're wrong, Mickey, you see,
17:48because a couple of months ago,
17:50Boise there put an ad in the paper
17:52for his car firm, right?
17:54It read,
17:56Urgently Required Security Guard.
17:58That night, his showroom was burgled.
18:04Just goes to show that someone reads the small ads.
18:08Yeah, well, either way, I've got business to attend to.
18:10Either way, I've got business to attend to.
18:12Yeah, you've got to go and catch that gyro check, haven't you?
18:18Hello, Cassandra.
18:20How's my little good child, then?
18:22I don't know, Mickey, but my baby's doing all right.
18:26Oh, look, here's the mum-to-be.
18:28Hi.
18:30Oi, oi, oi, what are you doing walking about like this?
18:32Raquel and I got fed up sitting around in that flat,
18:34so I decided to get some exercise,
18:36like the doctor ordered me to.
18:38She's right, Rodney. Nowadays, doctors tell pregnant women
18:40to carry on as normal.
18:42Now, you're not thinking of having one of them natural births, are you?
18:44Oh, we have discussed using a birthing pool.
18:46With the dampness in your flat,
18:48I don't know why you're bothering.
18:54You know, it's such a shame
18:56you haven't got any fire grapes in your place.
18:58We've got young Lenny Corby
19:00fitting eight log-effect gas fires in our house.
19:04I must invite you and the family round
19:06for the switching-on ceremony.
19:08Give you something to look forward to.
19:10Please, Boise, I'm having an adrenaline rush already.
19:12Oh, I'll tell you another thing.
19:14When the baby's born,
19:16don't worry if it's ugly.
19:18They're all ugly at birth.
19:20Well, that's true. Some are more ugly than others.
19:22Because when Boise was born,
19:24the midwife held him up and slapped his mother.
19:30All right, on that note,
19:32I shall bid you all goodbye.
19:34Come along, Molly.
19:36You can drive me to the showroom.
19:38See you later, Cassandra.
19:40Oh, Del, I brought that letter down.
19:42It's not for Rodney, it's addressed to Albert.
19:44To Albert?
19:46I hope you're not going to have my experience, Rodney.
19:48From the moment the baby arrived,
19:50my wife gave me nothing but hell.
19:52Well, lots of women suffer
19:54from post-natal depression, don't they?
19:56But we'd adopted.
20:00Say no note as I said,
20:02and I'll thank her as miserable old sod.
20:04Yeah, and his wife was hot-blooded.
20:06She was Spanish.
20:08He only taught her English so he could stop speaking to her.
20:12Hey, brothers, look at this.
20:14There's an old naval friend of Albert's
20:16trying to organise a reunion
20:18for some of the crew
20:20that were in this fleet that went up to Denmark in 1944.
20:22We didn't know Albert went to Denmark.
20:24Well, he didn't. The fleet never made it.
20:26I remember him telling me about that, yeah.
20:28All the ships were named after sea creatures, weren't they?
20:30You know, HMS Shark, HMS Barracuda,
20:32that sort of thing. What was Albert's ship called?
20:34HMS Cod.
20:38Yeah, that was it.
20:40Yeah, he said they got into some sort of trouble,
20:42but none of it was his fault.
20:44Oh, that would have been a first name, wouldn't it, eh?
20:46Well, it's taking place in a village in Normandy.
20:48You'll have to write to the association
20:50and tell them Albert isn't with us anymore.
20:52Yes, yes, you're right, I suppose.
20:54Isn't it a shame Elsie Partridge
20:56didn't live long enough to go to the reunion?
20:58I bet she'd have loved to have been Albert's representative.
21:00Do you remember the night he told us their story?
21:02How they'd met
21:04and fallen in love before the war?
21:06Well, then he had to go off and fight for his country
21:08and they both met and married other people.
21:10And then years later they met again
21:12and spent their last years together.
21:18What's wrong with that scatty cow?
21:22It's her hormones.
21:24They're doing somersaults, you know.
21:26Oh, right. You're all right, ain't you?
21:28Yes!
21:30It's like Captain Corelli's
21:32mandolin, isn't it?
21:38What's Captain Corelli's mandolin?
21:40Captain Corelli's
21:42mandolin. It's a romantic
21:44film about two lovers who meet again after the war.
21:46Oh, that's a woman's thing, isn't it?
21:50Anyway, listen, I've had a thought.
21:52If Elsie can't go and
21:54represent Albert at this reunion,
21:56I think Rodney and I ought to go.
21:58Now, that is a brilliant suggestion.
22:00No, I think Albert would have loved that idea.
22:02I think he's not the only one who likes the idea.
22:04You two are just going to go on a booze
22:06cruise, aren't you?
22:08That hurts, Raquel.
22:10That's a very cruel thing to say,
22:12Raquel. This is a
22:14family thing. We just
22:16want Albert to be
22:18remembered. It's like...
22:20Well, it is. It's our duty.
22:22All right, I'm sorry. I was only joking.
22:24It's all right, sweetheart. I know you didn't mean nothing.
22:26Raquel, Cassandra,
22:28look, it's a picture
22:30of my wife. Come and have a look.
22:32Look, I don't know
22:34how you feel about this, but we could
22:36take Albert's ashes and scatter them at sea.
22:38That's a very good idea,
22:40Rodney. He would really
22:42like that, wouldn't he?
22:44We'll have to do it just as we come
22:46out of the harbour, because we'll be
22:48too pissed to do it later.
22:52By the way,
22:54tell you what, why don't you
22:56drive Raquel and Cassandra home?
22:58I'll stay here and pick up the bill.
23:00Yeah, of course.
23:02Sid, what are all these little holes?
23:04Darts.
23:06It's a long story.
23:08See, I met her in 1950,
23:10and... You two want a lift home? Yes, please.
23:12Bye.
23:14See you, Sid.
23:16Oh, Sid, take it out of that, will you?
23:18Hey, Denzel, you still
23:20got that lorry of yours? Yeah, why?
23:22It's just that me and Rodney are thinking
23:24of going to France. Do you want to take a few
23:26rolls with you? Yeah, OK, thanks, Denzel.
23:28No, not now. No, I mean, like, next
23:30month. Got a little idea,
23:32like, you know, running round the side of me head?
23:34No. What do you mean, no?
23:36You haven't heard it yet. Well, that's good,
23:38because this way the police can't drag it out of me
23:40under interrogation. Police
23:42interrogation? What are you going on about, Denzel?
23:44Every time you have a little idea, someone
23:46in a blue uniform asks me questions.
23:48Can I help you if I am
23:50misunderstood? I'm not
23:52misunderstanding you. You can get
23:54beer and spirits very cheaply in
23:56France. And here's me with a lorry and
23:58Sid with a pup.
24:00So what are you saying?
24:04What I'm saying, Trigg, is that
24:06Del buys £1,000 worth of half-price
24:08alcohol. We drive it back in the truck.
24:10Sid gets a cellar full of cheap booze
24:12and we share the profits.
24:14No. I was thinking of
24:16bringing you all back some nice French cheese.
24:18But now you've
24:20suggested that.
24:22That is a brilliant idea, Denzel.
24:24First class. Yeah.
24:26A few trips like this, we could
24:28earn ourselves some decent money.
24:30I'm not doing it.
24:32It was your idea.
24:34No, it wasn't.
24:36Well, it was in a way.
24:38I mean, that's not what
24:40I meant to say. I mean, I was trying to sort of...
24:42I didn't mean...
24:44The thing is, I was just trying to...
24:48Is this thing anywhere near legal?
24:50Of course it is. Just don't tell Rodney.
25:14There you are, Rodney.
25:16You do the honours.
25:18No, you would have liked it.
25:22But do it ceremoniously.
25:24Right?
25:26Not like you're emptying a Hoover bag.
25:28LAUGHTER
25:30WHISTLING
25:32WHISTLING
25:34WHISTLING
25:36WHISTLING
25:38WHISTLING
25:40WHISTLING
25:42WHISTLING
25:44WHISTLING
25:46WHISTLING
25:48WHISTLING
25:50See you again sometime, hunk.
25:52Good luck, Holden.
25:58Give me that.
26:00Hope it's not his dentures.
26:02LAUGHTER
26:06I can't believe it.
26:08What?
26:10Cassandra's birth control pills.
26:12LAUGHTER
26:14Cassandra's birth...?
26:16Who put them in there?
26:18Who do you think put them in there? Damien.
26:22LAUGHTER
26:24He's a boy, isn't he?
26:26Anyway, you don't need her no more, do you?
26:28Cos she's at the daft.
26:30I know, but it's quite easy if you hadn't put...
26:32You know, I've...
26:34LAUGHTER
26:36He's a little sod, isn't he?
26:38LAUGHTER
26:40I don't know where he gets it from.
26:42LAUGHTER
26:44Must take half the wrecker away.
26:46Yeah. Yeah, more than likely.
26:48Right, go on.
26:50WHISTLING
26:52WHISTLING
26:54WHISTLING
26:56WHISTLING
26:58WHISTLING
27:00WHISTLING
27:02Right.
27:04You've got to travel up this road about another three miles,
27:06ruggers, and then look for a sign
27:08saying
27:10Sainte-Claire-la-Chapelle.
27:12Right.
27:16LAUGHTER
27:18WHISTLING
27:20Where'd you get that from?
27:22Hm? What, this?
27:24Oh, oh.
27:26Trying to blend in with the locals,
27:28Rodney.
27:30I've always been a bit of a Francophile, you know.
27:32Right. More like a Franco-Spencer.
27:34LAUGHTER
27:36Try a bit more, will you?
27:38Anyway,
27:40where is my book?
27:42Ha!
27:44Bone up on the old French.
27:46You know, how quick you forget it.
27:48Yeah, I noticed.
27:50No, I mean, you know, I've forgotten a lot of the French
27:52I learnt at school as well.
27:54Well, don't you worry. I'll be with you.
27:56LAUGHTER
27:58MUSIC
28:00MUSIC
28:02MUSIC
28:04Cos it's a difficult language, you know.
28:06Cos one of my most
28:08favouritest meals is
28:10duc à la ranch, but I don't know
28:12how to say that in French.
28:14It's canard.
28:16Oh, you can say that again, bruv.
28:18LAUGHTER
28:20Now, the French word
28:22for duck is canard.
28:24Is it? I thought that was something
28:26to do with a kiwi too.
28:28No, that's cunard.
28:30They're the ones that make the boats and what have you.
28:32The French for duck is canard.
28:34Right, lovely jubbly.
28:36Right, so how do the French
28:38say à la ronge, then?
28:40LAUGHTER
28:42À la ronge.
28:44What, the same as we do?
28:46Yes.
28:48Oh, dear.
28:50It's a pity they don't use more
28:52of our words, innit, eh?
28:54LAUGHTER
28:56Stupid, ain't they? Yeah.
28:58I can't wait to get there,
29:00rudders. I bet they're
29:02gonna throw a Mardi Gras.
29:04The old French, they don't
29:06scrimp when it comes to a celebration.
29:08That's right. I imagine it'll be some
29:10quiet little backwater somewhere.
29:12Yeah.
29:14I bet half of them don't even know the war's over.
29:16LAUGHTER
29:18LAUGHTER
29:38Ha, ha, ha.
29:40Au revoir.
29:42Au revoir, au revoir.
29:44Derrick und Rodney
29:46Trotter.
29:48Bonjour, monsieur.
29:50Bonjour.
29:52Excuse me,
29:54did you say Trotter?
29:56Yeah, we're Albert Trotter's great-nephews.
29:58Very pleased to meet you.
30:00George Parker.
30:02I sailed with your uncle during the war.
30:04Is Albert not coming?
30:06Um, no, I'm afraid
30:08not. Unfortunately,
30:10he passed away a few months ago.
30:12Oh, I'm very sorry
30:14to hear that.
30:16Yeah, well, sadly.
30:20Well, uh,
30:22where's the crew?
30:24Crew? Oh, here.
30:26I'm the only one that's turned up.
30:28All the others are either dead,
30:30in old people's homes, or
30:32just couldn't be bothered.
30:34See, well, we're here
30:36to represent Albert, so
30:38you know, let's get started.
30:40Oh, nice. Mr Mayor,
30:42shall we play?
30:58Are you wearing Albert's medals?
31:00Yes, with pride.
31:04Come on, Rodney, show some decorum.
31:06They're playing the American anthem.
31:12I knew we should have got a later pedigree.
31:14Did I assert my opinion?
31:16No. I listened to Bloody Dell
31:18like I've listened to him all my life.
31:20Still, it gives us a bit of time
31:22to see France.
31:28I've got seven hours to kill.
31:32Relax, Denzel, relax.
31:34I'm not going to kill you.
31:36I'm not going to kill you.
31:38I'm not going to kill you.
31:40Relax, Denzel, relax.
31:44When I was married to Corrine, she was always saying that to me.
31:46Relax, Denzel.
31:50And I would.
31:52Then Dell had phoned and...
31:54I like Corrine.
31:56I used to think that
31:58if ever I got married,
32:00I'd like it to be to a girl like her.
32:02Yeah, she was OK.
32:04You ever thought of getting married, Trigg?
32:06No. I haven't met the right person yet.
32:08But I've always had this
32:10sort of image
32:12of my perfect woman.
32:14Sort of my dream girl.
32:16What's she like?
32:18Oh, she's nothing to look at.
32:20Very plain.
32:22Little scar on her chin
32:24where she had her wart removed.
32:28Want a jelly, baby?
32:30Yeah.
32:38Oh, that's Albert.
32:40All right.
32:42You two haven't a clue, have you?
32:44You've led leagues of luxury.
32:46You don't know what it's like
32:48to suffer on the high seas.
32:50How's it happens we do?
32:52We've served our time at sea, haven't we?
32:54Where were you?
32:56The Falklands?
32:58No, a cruise round the Hawaiian Islands.
33:00A cruise, later?
33:02That's not a ship.
33:04Kept the water off our feet.
33:06Kept the water off our feet?
33:08You should have been on the Russian convoys
33:10with your uncle and me.
33:12We had hundred-foot waves.
33:14No, I don't know.
33:16Got a bit choppy round Honolulu one night.
33:18We had storm and tempest.
33:20Well, you should have seen our cabaret.
33:22We had hail and sleet.
33:24We had hail and pace.