Оnlу Fооls & Ноrsеs Хмаs Sресiаl 2 Раrt 1
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Short filmTranscript
00:01Arrival of flight 417 from Amsterdam.
00:14Oh! Sorry.
00:19Are you all right, madam?
00:20Oh, I'm sorry. I spilled everything out of my case. I don't think the catch is working properly. I don't know what it is.
00:25Thank you very much.
00:26There you go.
00:31So, anyway, I says to her, right, you know, I mean, as gently as I could, right, I said,
00:35engagement is a big step.
00:37Yeah. Terrific. Yeah, right.
00:39I said, you know, it's not the sort of thing you enter into very lightly.
00:42No. No.
00:44Oh, look at that.
00:46Oi, Calvin! You spill your lager out this far once more and I'll smack you right side the bloody ear off.
00:51Sorry, Delmar.
00:52This is not polyestery, you know. This is pure Grimperly.
00:56As I was saying...
00:58Have you seen Boyce, Del?
01:00No, no, not recently. Why?
01:02Oh, he's looking for you. Says it's urgent.
01:04Oh, well, he knows where to find me, Michael, doesn't he, eh? Knows where to find me.
01:07Now, where was I?
01:08Are you still going out with that little sort?
01:10Imogen, yeah, I'm still going out with her. That's what I've been telling you for the last ten minutes.
01:15Oh, why, what's happened?
01:16Well...
01:17Hello, Corey Lovell. Are you all right?
01:20Yeah, go on.
01:21She's getting a little bit too serious for my liking, yeah,
01:24and I'm trying to find a way of cooling her down a bit, but I don't want to hurt her.
01:28All you've got to say is you've got to say,
01:29Imogen, you're giving me the hump.
01:31Now go away and haunt someone else for a change.
01:35Yeah, that's a pretty pain in the spell, isn't it?
01:37I don't believe you.
01:38You're too soft with them, Rodney. You're too soft.
01:40That is your trouble.
01:42But, you know, you get the drinks in because I'm going to pop over there and do a bit of business.
01:45All right.
01:47Vicky, can I have quite a lager in there?
01:50And what's Del drinking these days?
01:52Oh, God knows.
01:53Tuesday it was a Bacardi and Russian.
01:55Last week it was Grand Marnie and Orange.
01:57Week before that it was Dubonny and Coke.
02:00Well, I guess two Maria and Luke have saved him.
02:17There you go, look. It's 15 quid. I can't say fairer than that.
02:20It's none of your foreign rubbish. Look, it's Japanese.
02:23Del, I've already got a watch.
02:25You called out a watch.
02:26That's crap, that is. That's crap.
02:28You didn't say that when you sold it to me.
02:31No, no, Teddy, what I meant was, well, it's had its day, hasn't it?
02:34Look, here, 15 quid, right?
02:37That's what I paid for it. You're getting it at a cost.
02:39Del, I don't fancy it.
02:41All right, now, for you, a tenner, as it's the last one.
02:44A tenner?
02:45Mm-hmm.
02:46Here, it's got a scratch on the face.
02:49Don't worry about it. I'll get you another one from the back of the van.
02:52Look, it plays 36 different national anthems.
02:55It tells you what day of the week it is, and it's a calculator and all.
02:58Blimey, is that the time?
03:00No, no, it's still set on Oriental hours, isn't it?
03:02All right.
03:03You get your money out. I'll be back in a tick.
03:06That's it.
03:08I was there, Ruby.
03:09Yeah?
03:10Yeah, well, which one were you in, then?
03:13No, I don't mean I was in the film. I meant I was in that bell.
03:16What about Ruby?
03:18God knows. I can't hear a bleeding thing with all this monkey music.
03:21Must have taken a lot of courage to do that.
03:24Well, I don't know.
03:25I don't know.
03:26I don't know.
03:27I don't know.
03:28I don't know.
03:29I don't know.
03:30I don't know.
03:31I don't know.
03:32I don't know.
03:33I don't know.
03:34I don't know.
03:35I don't know.
03:36Must have taken a lot of courage to do what you did, Albert.
03:39Yeah.
03:40All them sharks and icebergs.
03:42Yeah, and a giant octopus.
03:44Gives me itchy fever just thinking about it.
03:47Sometimes I'll wake up in the middle of the night screaming.
03:50Nightmares about all the torpedoes, mines, kamikaze pilots.
03:55I never talk about it, Ru.
03:57My Harry used to wake up in the middle of the night screaming.
04:01Yeah?
04:02Yeah.
04:03Sometimes he used to scream in the middle of the day.
04:05I was so glad when they put him away, I was.
04:08What did he was the tragedy that happened to our son.
04:12Harry just never got over it.
04:14He was such a lively lad.
04:17He went to school with Del Boy.
04:19They used to sit next to each other in class.
04:22Del must have mentioned him.
04:24Slater.
04:25Roy Slater.
04:26Slater?
04:27I don't remember, Ru.
04:28No.
04:29Well, maybe it's still too painful for Del to talk about.
04:33He was only 18.
04:34He had all his life before him.
04:36Was it a motorcycle accident?
04:38No.
04:40He joined the police.
04:43He's one of their top men now.
04:45He's put more people behind bars than what, Liz?
05:05I know he looks like a devil's boy.
05:08Let's wait till Del's here in a minute.
05:10Boycie?
05:11I've got quite a work to do.
05:12Yeah, sure.
05:15What's up, Abdul?
05:16All right, my son?
05:17Very well, thank you.
05:18Yeah, you still up at Attengard, no?
05:19Yes, I'm still in Attengard.
05:21Could we have a word with you, please?
05:22Yeah, of course you can.
05:23Why not?
05:24We'll be in the back room.
05:25Oh.
05:26Yeah, all right.
05:27I'll just get me drink.
05:29Here.
05:30I do a bit of business with Boycie and Abdullah.
05:33Hey, saucy mare.
05:35It's orders from the governor.
05:36There's a lot of forged money floating round.
05:38He didn't check his money just now.
05:40Oh, that's different, isn't it?
05:43I'm going right off that girl.
05:44See you in a minute.
05:59All right, Dave?
06:01Watch your trick.
06:02How are you going?
06:03All right.
06:04I'm feeling lucky tonight.
06:05You never know, I might pull.
06:07So I thought I'd have a dab of blue Stratos.
06:09Put my best clothes on.
06:10Yeah?
06:11What stock do you need?
06:12These are my best clothes.
06:14Oh, sorry.
06:15Hello, darling.
06:16Where you been all my life?
06:18Piss off.
06:20I always use that line with the birds.
06:21Yeah?
06:22Why?
06:24Well, I don't know, really.
06:25It's never worked.
06:28I see.
06:31So, what sort of deal is it?
06:33I have recently made contact with a certain gentleman
06:36who runs a small business in Amsterdam.
06:38Amsterdam?
06:39Amsterdam in Holland, you mean?
06:41I told you he was the right man for the job, didn't I, Abdul?
06:45My brother Saeed has done business with him in the past.
06:47Do you know my brother lives in France now?
06:49No, no, I didn't know that.
06:50Yes, yes, he's doing very well.
06:51Is he?
06:52Yeah, he's married now.
06:53His wife's expecting.
06:54Get on with it, Abdul, for God's sake.
06:56Otherwise we'll be here all bleeding night.
06:58Yes, well...
07:00Last week I flew to Amsterdam to see the gentleman in question,
07:03a Mr. Van Cleef.
07:05And after some preliminary discussions,
07:07Mr. Van Cleef has agreed to sell us some merchandise.
07:12Merchandise?
07:13What sort of merchandise?
07:15Diamonds.
07:17Diamonds?
07:1930 of them.
07:20Cut and polished blue diamonds.
07:22Top of the range, that old boy.
07:24Aye, but he's gonna cost an arm and a leg, isn't he?
07:2750 grand?
07:2950 grand? You and Abdul are weighing out 50 grand?
07:32In England they have a market value of 150,000 pounds.
07:37Bloody hell.
07:41I take it you're not going to bother to inform our friends at the customs and excise of this little matter?
07:45No.
07:46Well, they're rather busy, I think they'd appreciate it.
07:50Anyway, where do I come in all this?
07:53You're not expecting me to buy any off you, are you?
07:55Thing is, I've had a few bad results lately and I'm potless.
07:58Leave off, dull boy.
08:00These gems sell at around five grand apiece.
08:03What we are asking you to do, Derek, is...
08:07is to take the money to Amsterdam for us.
08:11You want me to take 50,000 pounds to Amsterdam?
08:14Yeah.
08:15And...
08:16And what?
08:17And...
08:19bring the diamonds back.
08:23Do you know, for a minute there I thought you were serious.
08:26They are very serious, dull. Deadly serious.
08:29There is nothing to worry about, Derek.
08:31Mr Van Cleef has completed many of these transactions and he assures us...
08:35nothing ever goes wrong.
08:39Up your kilt!
08:44What do you think I am, a tote or wally or something?
08:46We would look after you, Derek.
08:48Oh yes, I'm sure you would.
08:50You'd visit me once a month, wouldn't you, eh?
08:52Bring me cakes with files in.
08:54You'll find yourself another mug.
08:57We'll give you 10 grand.
09:0810,000 pounds?
09:10All right, 12. I knew he'd haggle.
09:12You bugger!
09:17All right, dull.
09:1912 grand.
09:24Just think of it, dull boy.
09:2612 biggans.
09:28Set you up a tree for the future.
09:30And there will be no problems. It will all be as easy as apple tart.
09:34Well, if it's as easy as apple tart, how come you two ain't going yourselves?
09:39Er...
09:40Well, we're both scared of flying, aren't we?
09:44Leave it out, Boise.
09:46Abdul's done more flying than Sparrows.
09:48No, no, no. It would look very suspicious for me,
09:50a registered Hatham Garden merchant, to fly to Amsterdam too often.
09:54I don't know about this.
09:56Look, dull, we chose you specially.
10:00We needed someone we knew.
10:02Someone we could trust.
10:04Someone who was skint.
10:10What happens if I get caught?
10:12What?
10:13Abdul and me have done our money, haven't we?
10:15Done your money? Your money?
10:17I stand to get banged up for five years.
10:24All right, dull.
10:27Fifteen grand?
10:38Not much use to you when you're locked up in a scrub cell, is it, eh?
10:41We are paying you to take the risk, Derek.
10:44It's a big gamble, dull.
10:46But he who dares wins, doesn't he?
10:50Of course, if it's too big for you, dull,
10:53if you think it'll bend out of your depth,
10:56just say so.
11:03Fifteen.
11:06You see, my problem is I don't want to hurt her.
11:09Cos Imogen's a lovely kid, you know.
11:11I mean, she's gentle, she's sensitive,
11:14and on top of all that, she cares.
11:17I reckon she'd do a turn if you played your cards right.
11:20What's the point of discussing it with you, eh, Trigg?
11:23We're talking on two different levels.
11:25Yeah.
11:29Bridge discharge.
11:31Two and a half weeks we were adrift in the middle of the Pacific Ocean.
11:35Got a nice tan, though.
11:43Well, Mel, we're going home.
11:47Sweet, Rodney, come on, home.
11:51Well, I suppose I ought to be getting home, really.
11:54Give Imogen a ring, tell her it's all over between us.
12:00Sorry, can I just get a poster?
12:04Sorry, sorry, I was just trying to...
12:08Love, Imogen.
12:17Look, I know what you're doing, I just don't understand why.
12:21Mum said to me on her deathbed, she said...
12:24Don't start all that again, Mel.
12:26Look, what do you think the odds are of you getting caught?
12:29Oh, shut up, Rodney, you've been going on about it all night.
12:32Mel, you are smuggling diamonds.
12:35Could you be a bit louder, cos there's a geezer down here
12:38at the other end of the market who didn't quite catch it all.
12:41Mel, do you realise what you're getting into?
12:44Yes, I do know what I'm getting into.
12:4615 grand is what I'm getting into.
12:48Look, Rodney, this is not drugs or guns, is it?
12:51I mean, that sort of stuff kills people.
12:54It's only little diamonds.
12:56I'm trying to bring down the cost of getting engaged
12:58and I thought you and Imogen would have been pleased.
13:01Yeah, well, me and Imogen's finished.
13:04Oh, you finally told her then, did you?
13:07Yeah, sort of.
13:09Is she crying?
13:10No, look, Del, smuggling diamonds is still illegal.
13:14It's only illegal because Boise and Abdul
13:17ain't paying any import tax.
13:19All right, all right, supposing they pay import tax, then, eh?
13:21What do you think the government's going to do with that?
13:23They're only going to go out and buy another strident missile,
13:25aren't they, eh?
13:26Oh, so you're telling me that smuggling diamonds
13:28is a blow for world peace?
13:30Every little bit helps, Rodney.
13:32Well, why don't you bring back a load of diamonds, Del?
13:34You might end up with a Nobel Prize.
13:37I hadn't thought of that.
13:38Now, come on, look, Rodney,
13:40we'll waltz through the customs at Gatwick.
13:42They won't take any notice of us.
13:43Del, what do you know about diamonds, eh?
13:45I mean, to you, diamonds are them things
13:47that you wear in your cufflinks,
13:48and quite honest with you, I've seen better cat's eyes.
13:51I don't have to know anything.
13:53Abdul's in charge of that side.
13:55We're just the couriers.
13:59Hang on a minute.
14:01What do you mean, we?
14:04Don't think I'm going to cut my little kid brother
14:06out of a deal like this, do you?
14:07What sort of bloke do you think I am?
14:09Well, your little kid brother don't want to cut in.
14:11A little while ago, you said you wanted to be a courier.
14:13Yeah, for Club 1830.
14:15Look, I'm going to need you on this one, Rodney,
14:17because when that aeroplane lands,
14:18you're going to be my diversion.
14:20Do you know how long I'd go away for?
14:22I've already got a record for perdition of cannabis, mind you.
14:25Exactly, and that is what's going to be my diversion.
14:28See, because not only is Amsterdam
14:30the centre of the diamond trade,
14:31but it's also the drugs capital of Europe, right?
14:34So when we go through passport control
14:36and they see Rodney Trottler nipping off the wall
14:37and they're going to say,
14:38Oh, that little rascal,
14:40he's after the old exotic stuff again.
14:43When we come back through customs,
14:44who are they going to nab?
14:45Me, the sophisticated jet-setter in a camel-hair coat,
14:48or you, the boom-town rat?
14:50Well, they're going to pull me, aren't they?
14:52Exactly.
14:53It's a wide story inside being strict search, you know,
14:55and all that game.
14:56Me and the diamonds are going to have our way down the Kermit.
14:59Oh, terrific.
15:00So while you're off down the road jullying it up,
15:02it's touch-your-toes time for Rodney.
15:05You won't come to any harm, Rodney.
15:07It won't be a minor discomfort.
15:09They'll let you go in a couple of hours.
15:11And then you come home to five lovely grand,
15:15which is your share.
15:19Five grand?
15:20Five grand.
15:22Buy an awful lot of lollipops for five grand, Rodney.
15:25Get yourself a nice second-hand Capri.
15:28Whip round to Imogens, get your old card stamped.
15:30Know what I mean?
15:33Don't I?
15:37I've never actually been to Amsterdam.
15:40I suppose we could turn it into a bit of an holiday, eh?
15:43Yeah, I mean, we'll be there at least an hour.
15:48Look, come on, while you're thinking about it,
15:50let's try and knock some of this gear out,
15:52make some of that stuff that we read about called profit.
15:54Because if all this falls through, Prof, we're skidded, right?
15:59Benzo, my son!
16:01No!
16:02No what?
16:03No, I don't want to buy anything.
16:04No, I don't want to sell anything.
16:06No, I don't want you to make me a millionaire.
16:08Innit, marvellous, eh? Innit, marvellous?
16:11You just stop to say hello to an old mate
16:13and all you get is a load of old verbal.
16:15I don't want anything, Benzo, on it.
16:18What do you carry?
16:19Nothing. It's empty.
16:21Ah, well, I can fill that up for you.
16:23You can earn yourself a few bob.
16:24Look, just leave me alone with you, all right?
16:27Corrine and I have just got back together again
16:29and I've had to promise her that I'd stop seeing you,
16:31stop getting drunk, stop gambling and get a steady job.
16:34Is it my fault you married a wrong'un?
16:36There's no reason to give me a volley.
16:38You just hang about there for a minute. I'll be back.
16:42He's everywhere I go, you know.
16:44He's on the phone to me.
16:46He's at me front door.
16:48He's in the betting shop.
16:49He's in the pub.
16:50And now he's in a bloody traffic jam.
16:52You know what, Rodney?
16:54I get this feeling that he's haunting me.
16:56You know what I mean?
16:57Yeah.
16:58Yeah, I know exactly what you mean.
17:05Hey, what's up with him?
17:07What have I done now?
17:09I can't understand it, Joe.
17:11I mean, all you've ever done is ruin his wedding reception,
17:14almost break up his marriage,
17:16flood his kitchen and steal his £2,000 redundancy money
17:19and he goes and gets all silly about it.
17:26Yeah.
17:31These are Japanese
17:33and these are hairy knees, right?
17:36Now, what's the difference?
17:37I'll tell you what the difference is.
17:38These will not give you the time in all the major capital cities of the world.
17:41Neither are they a calculator,
17:42nor do they play 36 different national anthems.
17:45But this will.
17:46This is a quality timepiece of precision craftsmanship
17:50that will cost you £67 up west.
17:52Now, I'm not going to ask you for £67.
17:54Oh, no, I'm not going to ask you for £47.
17:56I'm not asking £37.
17:58Steady on, Dale. Think of the profit margin.
18:00No, no, don't interrupt me now, Rodney,
18:01because look what I'm in my stride.
18:02I'm not asking you for £27.
18:04This is £15 for this quality watch, ladies and gentlemen.
18:07That's all.
18:08This beautiful timepiece, yes, ladies and gentlemen,
18:10for a mere £20.
18:11No, no, you said £15.
18:12I beg your pardon, ma'am?
18:13You said £15.
18:14No, I don't.
18:15No, I don't.
18:16You said £15.
18:17Hold on. Hold on, Rodney.
18:18Now, hold on.
18:19I do believe that I said £15.
18:21I'm sorry. I must be going mad.
18:22I'm sure I said...
18:23I'm going mad.
18:24All right, darling.
18:25Just to show you that I'm a man of my word,
18:26go on, you can have this watch for £15.
18:28Go on, steal it from me.
18:29Go on, listen, I'm losing money on the deal.
18:31Right, Rodney, come on.
18:32Get the rest of the watches out of this suitcase,
18:33because there'll be a mad rush in a minute.
18:37They're not going all that well, are they?
18:38Well, they're going down like savourloys in a kibbutz.
18:40Yeah.
18:41If I could just sell one,
18:42I know the others would follow.
18:44Here.
18:45Just a minute.
18:46I've had an idea.
18:47Watch this.
18:49Right, here you are.
18:50Listen, ladies and gentlemen, listen, listen.
18:51Excuse me just a moment.
18:52Now, give us your time,
18:53because I've just had a business discussion
18:54with my partner here on my right,
18:55who informs me that we desperately need
18:58the space in the suitcase, right?
19:00So, what I'm going to have to do,
19:01I'm going to give these watches away.
19:02I've just got to give them away.
19:03So, here you go.
19:04I'm giving them away at £10 each.
19:05There you go.
19:06Go on, ten quid.
19:07Fifteen quid for the black float.
19:08Can't take better than that.
19:09Why can't I have it for £10,000?
19:10For £10,000, of course you can.
19:11Rodney, take the man's money.
19:12There you go.
19:13Come on, darling.
19:14There, we sold that one.
19:15There we go.
19:16We're off and running.
19:17There we are.
19:18Come on, darling.
19:19Pass your bread upon the water.
19:20That's what I'd say.
19:21And it'll come back tenfold.
19:22That's it.
19:23All right, listen.
19:24Give us your money.
19:25Take the money.
19:29All right, listen.
19:30Hang about.
19:31We'll be back in five minutes, all right?
19:32Right.
19:38Don't look back.
19:40Watch out.
19:43Del Boy.
19:45Slater.
19:46Well, what a coincidence.
19:48I was just saying to Hodkins,
19:49I wonder how my old mate Del Boy is.
19:51Weren't I, Hodkins?
19:52Eh?
19:53Oh, yes, sir.
19:54And how are you, Rodney?
19:57Very well, thank you, Detective Inspector.
19:59Chief Inspector.
20:01Sorry, I didn't know you'd been promoted.
20:03Yeah, about six months back.
20:05I took Hodkins with me.
20:06He's my driver.
20:07Oh, driver.
20:09Everyone always said you'd be going places, Terry.
20:11Going places?
20:12Oh, yeah.
20:15Here, I saw your mum down the next head last night, Slater.
20:18Yeah?
20:19She asked after me.
20:20No.
20:22Do you fancy a cup of tea, darling?
20:23Ah, actually, Roy, we're in a bit of a hurry, if you don't mind.
20:26I don't think you heard the question, Del.
20:27I said, do you fancy a cup of tea?
20:30Well, now you're coming to mention it, I'm a bit parched.
20:42There you go.
20:44Detective Inspector.
20:48Chief.
20:50What?
20:51I'm a chief now.
20:54I'll be bleeding glad when Custer arrives.
20:59Watch what you say, Rodney, that Slater's a bastard.
21:03Eh?
21:05I said...
21:06Watch what you say, Slater's a bastard.
21:09Yeah, I remember from the last time.
21:12He's on the warpath now.
21:13He's retiring soon and wants to go out in a blaze of glory.
21:17Retiring?
21:18It's a bit early, isn't it?
21:19He's had no choice.
21:20He's come from the top.
21:21They're forcing him out.
21:23See, a little while ago, Slater persuaded this young blackfella,
21:27a sign of full confession, to be in a peeping tom.
21:30When the case gets to the court, it turns out he's a registered burning person.
21:35That publicity for the police, isn't it?
21:37What about a poor black burn?
21:39Oh, he's not too upset.
21:40They reckon he might get a record contract out of it.
21:42Shh.
21:44There you are, Hoskins. Bacon sandwich for you.
21:47Are you sure you didn't want nothing to eat?
21:49Yeah, yeah, we're quite sure we're not all that hungry, actually, Roy.
21:52Anyway, what are you doing back in the parish?
21:54I thought you'd been transferred to the river police?
21:56No, not transferred, no.
21:57That was just a special assignment.
21:59I was after this little gang of diamond smugglers.
22:04Any luck?
22:05Oh, I caught them, Del, yeah.
22:07They even nabbed the ringleader.
22:09Geezer called Hendricks.
22:10They got away, though.
22:12Lack of evidence.
22:14It's the choker, isn't it?
22:15Oh, I'll have them, Del.
22:16Well, they're still doing it, then.
22:18How many times have you almost had them, Hoskins?
22:20Twice.
22:21Twice, that's right.
22:22But each time, they've somehow managed to get a shot of the diamonds.
22:25You haven't got them.
22:26You've got no evidence.
22:27No.
22:28Between you and me, Del, I've heard a whisper they're trying it on again.
22:32What?
22:33A couple of local businessmen, shall we say, have put the money up.
22:37Now, we know who they are, don't we, Hoskins?
22:39The boys seen here...
22:40Hoskins!
22:42Sorry, sir.
22:44Sorry, sir.
22:47But I don't know who the courier is.
22:49Now, unless I can catch the courier with the stones on him, I'm knackered.
22:54This is where you come in, Del.
22:57Me?
22:59You don't think I'm the courier, do you?
23:02Leave off, Del, this is big.
23:05No.
23:06The way I see it is this.
23:08You hear all the gossip in the pubs and the clubs.
23:11It's no skin off your nose if you ring me with a name.
23:14After all, these businessmen ain't putting no money your way, are they?
23:18No.
23:19You don't even have to say who's calling.
23:21Make it anonymously.
23:24And I will make life very comfortable for you.
23:27No more agro from wooden tops in the market.
23:31Well, that's very fair of you, Roy.
23:35Oh, yeah. Very fair.
23:37This is my last case, Del.
23:40I'm retiring from the Met.
23:43The commissioner begged me to stay.
23:46But I've had enough.
23:49I want my career to end on a high note.
23:51Yeah, well, of course we wish you a lot of luck in this later, yeah?
23:55I'll get him in the end, Del.
23:57I never give up, you see.
23:59Once I get my teeth into someone, I don't let go.
24:04Do you know what they call me at the Met?
24:05No.
24:07Bulldog.
24:09Actually, I've heard one or two people call you Bulldog.
24:12Or worse that effect, anyway.
24:14So as a sort of guy at home, I never give up.
24:18So if you hear anything, Del, you know me number.
24:22Well, it's been nice.
24:25That old school day, you and me sat at the same desk.
24:29Only this time you didn't put frogspawn in me milk.
24:32No, I didn't.
24:33You rascal.
24:35Rascal.
24:38Do you want me to pay for my breakfast, Sid, or what?
24:42No, have it on the house, Mr Slater.
24:45Very nice of you, Sidney. Very nice indeed.
24:48You'd better pay for your breakfast, Hoskins.
24:50Thank you, sir.
24:54So, you don't like this curry as a man or a woman?
24:58A woman?
25:00I hadn't thought of that.
25:01That's very good thinking, Rodney.
25:03Have you ever thought of joining the police?
25:07No, I'm ambitious.
25:11Very good.
25:13Now, all I know is that he or she will be flying in with the goods next week.
25:20I'll be waiting.
25:28There you go, young Terry. Thanks, Sid.
25:38Well, that's that then, isn't it?
25:39How do you mean?
25:40Well, you can't go with it now, can you? Slater's got all the airports covered.
25:43Well, he can't watch all the airports 24 hours a day, can he, eh?
25:47I'll have to find another way of sneaking in.
25:50Wait a minute.
25:56You owe me 32p still.
25:59No, no, Mr Slater paid for ours.
26:01Oh.
26:08Oh, yes. It has a full service record. Taxed till the end of the month.
26:13It'll have no trouble passing its M.O.T.
26:17Boys, someone on the phone wants you.
26:19Who is it?
26:20Dunno.
26:21Would you just say that I'm rather busy with some clients at the moment, please, Colin?
26:26He said it had to do about diamonds.
26:29I'll be right there.
26:32Yes, it's the new Austin Diamond.
26:35Coming out next year. Still in the experimental stage.
26:39Do excuse me, Mr Beggarstaff.
26:44Yeah, what's up?
26:45It's Del Boyle.
26:46Listen, I just had a very interesting conversation with Chief Inspector Slater, you know?
26:49Bullshit of the yard.
26:51Slater? What's he want?
26:53He knows.
26:54How?
26:55I don't know, do I? He's got more grasses than pheasants.
26:58Well, how much does he know?
27:00Well, he knows...
27:05He knows that you and Abdul have put that money up.
27:07I don't believe it!
27:10Well, we can't pull out now, Del.
27:12Abdul's just made all the arrangements with Van Cleef.
27:14Alright, listen, don't panic. Don't panic.
27:17He doesn't know who the courier is. That's what he was pumping me about.
27:20So I'm the last bloke that he suspects.
27:22Yeah, well, it's alright for you. I've still got 50 grand in my house.
27:25If Slater comes sniffing around, how am I going to explain that away?
27:28No, we've got to meet tonight.
27:30I'll give you the money and Abdul can make the final arrangements.
27:33Alright, where shall we meet? Your place?
27:35You must be joking! My house might be under surveillance.
27:38We can't meet at Abdul's either, for the same reason.
27:41What about food?
27:42You don't honestly think I'm going to walk across your estate with 50 grand on me, do you?
27:46You've got a point. How about an exit?
27:49Leave off! He knows that's our local.
27:51Anyway, we can't meet in any public place.
27:53He sees the three of us together, he's got a full story.
27:57We've got to come up with somewhere dark and secluded.
28:00Somewhere where we can lock the doors and be on our own.
28:03And nobody will be able to see us.
28:07I know just the place.
28:08Yeah? Where?
28:12The bank of Denzel's Bleeding Loring?
28:15I mean, what a place to hold a meeting!
28:18Personally, I think it's a good idea.
28:20As Derek said, this is the last place Slater will think of looking.
28:23But I'm going to get grease stains on my coat!
28:26I am going to look a right mess!
28:29I mean, what has Denzel had in here?
28:32It smells like rotten fish.
28:34Oh, stop your whining, Boise.
28:36You're like an older woman at times.
28:46Right, they're here.
28:49It'll be about five minutes.
28:54If you spot any danger, give us a signal, all right?
29:02Oi!
29:03What's the signal, then?
29:08You what?
29:09Shall I bibiota?
29:10Oh, you wally!
29:12That'll attract all sorts of unwanted attention, won't it, eh?
29:14Or shall I flash the lights?
29:17How are we going to see flashing lights when we're in the back of a ruddy trailer?
29:21All right, then, so what's the signal?
29:26Can you make a sound like an owl?
29:28An owl sound?
29:29Yes, you know, like this.
29:33How about that?
29:36I can do bunny shadows, though.
29:38Enough of your bloody sarcasm, Rodney.
29:40Just think of a signal.
29:42Be back in a minute.
29:45You don't think Slater suspects anything else, do you?
29:47No, if he suspected that, he'd have been around with a search warrant by now.
29:52Hello, hello, hello.
29:54What are you doing in here, then?
29:59Get in here, for God's sake, will you?
30:04I don't know how far I'm in here, do I?
30:08All right, Abdul, got everything sorted out?
30:10Yes, the arrangements have all been made.
30:12I mean, of all the places on earth,
30:14why in God's name do we have to meet in the back of a sticky lorry?
30:17God, dear.
30:19Look around you.
30:21Can you think of a better place?
30:23No prying eyes, no plainclothes coppers.
30:25Nobody knows we're in here.
30:27What do you mean, Denzel don't know?
30:29Of course he don't. Leave it out. He'd go divvy.
30:31No, apart from Rodney, out there in the van,
30:33we're the only three people in the world who know we're in here.
30:36All right.
30:37All right, leave it to me.
30:39Get your coat and your uniformed officer Hoskins.
30:42Where will I have to, sir?
30:43At the transport cafe in Soweto Road.
30:45One of the neighbours reported seeing three men breaking into a lorry.
30:48Right-o, sir.
30:51Parker, get a call round to the front.
30:54I spoke to Mr Van Cleef this morning about the date, the venue and the time for the exchange.
30:58Now, you must be very clear about these matters, Derek.
31:01So listen carefully.
31:02The exchange will take place this coming Friday at 12 noon.
31:0512 noon, right.
31:07That's right.
31:08Now, here is the address in Amsterdam.
31:09Memorise it and then destroy it.
31:11Doesn't self-destruct, then.
31:13Be serious, Del, please.
31:15Friday at 12, right?
31:17All right, all right, I got it.
31:18My cousin Hussein will meet you in Van Cleef's office.
31:20Cousin? Stone me, Abdul.
31:23Your family get everywhere, don't they?
31:24Got a brother in France, cousin in Holland.
31:26Sure you ain't got no one out and out of Mongolia?
31:29A very distant uncle, but we never talk about him.
31:33My cousin is also a diamond merchant.
31:35He will be there to check the merchandise.
31:37Check it, all right.
31:38Don't want you coming back with a load of Mickey Mouse gear, don't we, Del Boy?
31:42Watch it, Boycie, my mum gave me them.
31:45Oh.
31:46Shh.
31:49That's all.
31:50Come on, where's the money, where's the money?
31:54There's 50 grand there, Del Boy.
31:57Please be careful with it.
31:58Trust me, Boycie.
32:00Of course we trust you.
32:02What's the combination of this?
32:04When you get to Van Cleef's office, you phone me and then I'll give you the combination.
32:09Oh, that's terrific.
32:10That's a great deal of trust, that is, isn't it, eh?
32:12One thing we forgot to mention.
32:14The most important thing of all.
32:16If anything should go wrong, nothing can go wrong.
32:19But if it should, you never heard of us.
32:21Me and Abdul had nothing to do with it.
32:23You never heard the name Van Cleef.
32:25It was just a precaution, Del Boy.
32:27Terrific.
32:28That means I'm up on offer, doesn't it, eh?
32:30That's what we're paying you 15 grand for.
32:32All right, all right.
32:33Don't worry, there won't be no comebacks.
32:35Yeah, what about the expenses for these aeroplane tickets, then?
32:38Tickets? You only need the one, Danny.
32:40No, I'm taking my kid brother with me.
32:42Taking Rob? What is this, a bloody outing?
32:44No.
32:46What is going to be my diversion for when I come back through the customs?
32:49Look, it's going to be hard enough.
32:51What, with Slater and the 7th Cavalry ferreted about amongst all the duty frees?
32:55Don't make it any harder.
32:58Very well.
32:59We will pay the expenses.
33:00It's all right.
33:01Don't lump them up too much, though.
33:03It's all right.
33:04Right, I'm off.
33:06Oh, yeah? I wonder what the smell was all night.
33:09Right, we'll see you next Friday when you return.
33:11Good luck, Derek.
33:13Best of luck, Del Boy.
33:16Give us a minute to get clear.
33:17All right.
33:57Barker, down there.
33:59Skin's checked over the back there.
34:15What was that, sir?
34:16Don't know. Sounded like a crow.
34:18Crow.
34:30Oh, my God, oh God.
34:48He'll throw the bloody key away.
34:50Come on, get on with it.
34:51We'll never get home tonight.
34:52Any luck?
34:54Not yet, sir.
34:59Hoskins. Parker.
35:11This looks promising, sir.
35:22Take over, Hoskins.
35:26Alright, Parker.
35:27Me?
35:41What is that?
35:42I don't know, but whatever it is, it's been dead a fortnight.
35:46Right, we'll have a quick shufty over the back, then we'll call it a night.
35:53Some of these lorry drivers invite crime, don't they?
36:23Hands up! Hands up! Hands up!
36:53Don't do it!
36:55Dinja, you long dunks!
37:00Oh come on, please!
37:05Please, I'll clean you, I'll clean you!
37:10Oh boy! My God, what a load!
37:15DENZEL! DENZEL! THIS IS YOUR FRIEND TO SPEAK IN!
37:27DENZEL! I'LL DO YOU WHEN I GET HOLD OF YOU!
37:35Bloody hoax phone calls. My last case I had to put up with jokers.
37:39Check your desk, Hoskins. You might have had some new reports.
37:43No, nothing yet, sir.
37:45I want a watch put on Boise and Abdul. I want to know everywhere they go, everything they do.
37:49We've got to make their move soon.
37:52Who's the courier, Hoskins?
37:54I know who's putting the money up, what they're buying and who from,
37:57but I don't know who's bringing it in.
38:00Bound to be local, sir.
38:01Oh, yeah. Wouldn't go far outside the parish. You've got to have someone they can trust.
38:05But who?
38:07It's a mystery, sir.
38:09No one's behaving in an unusual manner. Well, no more unusual than normal.
38:15Everyone's just carrying on the same.
38:17Except the trotters. Went around the estate, their van's missing.
38:21Toured the area, no sign of it.
38:23Maybe it's been nicked, sir.
38:24Nicked? If someone's nicked that three-wheeled van of theirs, we've got a dangerous maniac on our hands.
38:31Take your point, sir.
38:34Something's just struck me, Hoskins.
38:37Maybe we've been underestimating Delboy.
38:40All these years he may have been fooling us with his nine-carat gold and his wide-awake suits.
38:44I mean, Delboy's well acquainted with the ways of this world.
38:48He knows all the wrinkles. He invented a lot of them himself.
38:52And his soppy brother's got GCEs.
38:54What are you trying to say, sir?
38:56What I'm saying is, Hoskins, maybe them two's more intelligent than we've given them credit for.
39:03Yeah.
39:05They're beginning to fit. The Dutch firm are the suppliers.
39:08Boise and Abdul are the money men.
39:11And the trotters...
39:13are the brains.
39:23You could be right, sir.
39:25I was only joking, Hoskins.
39:27For God's sake, ain't you got no sense of humour?
39:30Sorry, sir.
39:36Aah!
39:47And now...
39:50let's go.
39:52Let's show you this thing...
39:55what a life!
39:58Vroom!
40:04Lots of music, as always.
40:06And this one is as a special request for all you truckers listening in this morning.
40:21When I'm on that six-bedroom...
40:24it'll look down through everything.
40:49It's a pound.
40:50What?
40:51I said that's a pound.
40:55I've got 75 pence.
40:57Well, that's not a pound, is it?
40:59Oh, no, but this has only got three wheels.
41:02That's only got two, but it's still a pound.
41:10Oh, hey, be careful where you dump that thing, will you?
41:13Funny, innit? I'm laughing, look.
41:24Vroom!
41:32How's your tea, Dan?
41:35Now, you want that breakfast?
41:36Yeah, of course I do. Just a bit drowsy, that's all.
41:39You've been overworking, love.
41:41I've seen it before with you lorry drivers trying to work 25 hours a day.
41:45I know the money's good, lovey, but you'll get no overtime in the mortuary.
41:49I'm always like this after a night drive.
41:51You're looking tired, lovey.
41:53You're dark round the eyes.
41:55I'm dark around everywhere, love.
41:57Listen, don't you worry about me. I'm a big, strong lad, you know.
42:00I'll prove it to you.
42:01I'm not talking about physical illness.
42:04There's no knowing what lack of sleep and overwork does to the brain.
42:09I've seen it happen to him, lovey.
42:11Seen what happen?
42:13Young, fit men went to pieces.
42:16Started hearing things and seeing things.
42:19You slow down, lovey, or you'll go the same way.
42:23Love you.