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00:00Dale? Is that you, Rodney?
00:15Yes, it's me.
00:16Oh, do you come and save me? You're a saint, Rodders. You're a 42-carat saint.
00:25Come on, let's get you out of here.
00:31It's been a nightmare, Rodney. A bloody nightmare. Camp on Blood Island was a doddle compared with that.
00:37Do you want something to eat or a cup of tea?
00:39No, I'm sorry, I haven't got time for all that. We've got to get the aeroplane tickets and a lot, haven't we?
00:44Come on, let's go. Come on, Rodney, come on.
00:50Where the bloody hell am I?
00:52How?
00:54How?
00:58Well, how in... What's his name?
01:01Yorkshire, yeah.
01:04What the bloody hell am I doing in How?
01:07Well, this is where Denzil brought you, isn't it? He's most probably got a load to pick at.
01:11Bloody half-head Denzil. I'll get him, you just see if I don't.
01:14Oi, don't you think you ought to have a rest, eh? Get your strength back.
01:17No, I don't, Rodney. Just get me back to Peckham as soon as possible.
01:21Otherwise I'll be saying, eh, up and breeding whippets before I'm very much older.
01:25Come on.
01:42Switch that off, Rodney, and take a look.
01:47What?
01:48Boats.
01:50Oh, yeah.
01:51Big boats, little boats.
01:53Yeah, there's a red one, white one, look.
01:58But don't you see, Rodney?
02:01See what?
02:02Slater's got all the airports covered. Why's he got all the airports covered?
02:05Because that's how he thinks that we're getting back into the country.
02:08Yeah.
02:11But I say, are we all getting back into the country?
02:13Not anymore, we ain't. We're going by boat.
02:16Oh, yes, like it, Derek. Yeah, we get a ferry.
02:23Not the ferry, you plonker.
02:26The customs there are going to be just as bad as they are at the airports.
02:31No, we're going to sail across in our own little boat.
02:35Sorry?
02:36We're going to sail out of here to Holland and back again, and no one will be any the wiser.
02:42We?
02:44We are going to...
02:45Us.
02:47In the sea.
02:48Yeah.
02:49Look, it's not far. Look, it's only across the water there. Look, isn't it, eh?
02:53I mean, I remember seeing it on the map. It's only that far.
02:57Derek, we'll die.
02:59No, we'll be a piece of cake. We'll be in and out of there like a sour plum.
03:04We don't know the first thing about sailing a boat.
03:08Oh, Rodney, use your filbert.
03:13I'm going to get one with an engine.
03:34I'm going to get one with an engine.
03:53Ahoy there, shipmate.
03:55Morning.
03:56Any idea where I could hire a boat, Rodney?
03:59You want to hire a boat?
04:00Yeah.
04:01What kind of a boat?
04:02A schooner.
04:03Schooner?
04:04Yeah, with an engine.
04:05Schooner with an engine?
04:07Yeah.
04:08Follow me, shipmate. I might have just the thing for you.
04:11Oh, tally-ho.
04:16Well, Rodney, what do you reckon?
04:19Well, this boat's got woodworm.
04:23No, that's not woodworm. That's just...
04:27What is that?
04:29That's where the ropes have worn it away through the years.
04:31That's where the ropes have worn it away through the years. It's sort of wear and tear, isn't it?
04:35And we're supposed to sail to Holland in this thing?
04:38This is a sturdy vessel, sir. Built of very mature timber.
04:42In other words, it's old.
04:43Well, the old ones are the best ones, Rodney.
04:45No, we're talking about boats now, Phil, not your birds.
04:48Oi, don't push your luck. It's all to get.
04:51I'll leave you two alone to discuss it. I'll be over here.
04:54Yeah.
04:55Ah, OK, yes. Ahoy there, shipmate.
04:59Um, we'll be ashore in a minute.
05:01Yeah, we'll go ashore, what, about seven bells, eh, Phil?
05:04Will you pipe him ashore, or shall I?
05:08I'm beginning to lose my temper, Rodney. You'll cop an unfortunate one in a minute.
05:15You're not really letting your boat out to them southern nances, are you?
05:18Why, yes.
05:20You'll never see it again.
05:22That vessel is worth ten thousand pounds.
05:25At least that's what it said on the insurance papers.
05:29Oh, come on, Rodney. We can do it.
05:33You know, he who dares wins.
05:35Look, I got the right price from the owner and everything.
05:38Phil, I'll tell you now, there's no way us two can sail this thing to Holland and back.
05:43What? Us two? You think that we're going to sail it?
05:48Is that what you thought?
05:49That us pair of wallies are going to take this thing out on the high seas?
05:53Well, yeah.
05:57Of course we're not.
05:59No, I'm going to get us a skipper, an experienced man to do the sailing.
06:04So there's going to be someone in charge?
06:06Of course there is.
06:09You didn't think I was going to risk our lives, did you?
06:14Oh, come here, you dipstick.
06:19Dear God.
06:21Leave it out, Rodney.
06:22That is England's greatest little sailor since Nelson lost the Armada.
06:27Ahoy there.
06:28Yeah, yeah. Ship ahoy.
06:31Del, every single ship or vessel that man has ever sailed on has sank.
06:35I know. Luck's got to change sometime, innit, Rodney?
06:38All right, Uncle Albert?
06:40All ships shape and Bristol fashion.
06:42He's got all the dialogue, hasn't he? Good, good. Come on, then.
06:44Right, now, listen. Did you bring the passports?
06:47In the old duffel bag.
06:48Good, good. Did you bring some clothes?
06:50Got a few some on me old jumper, see.
06:52Lovely. Did you bring our clothes?
06:54Did you want me to bring you something?
06:56Oh, what do you think I phoned up about?
06:58I thought you meant my clothes.
07:00We haven't had a wash or a change of clothes for two days now.
07:04How am I supposed to know that?
07:05We don't do a lot of working out.
07:07You'd have explained it.
07:08Oi, you two.
07:11All right, calm down, calm down.
07:13Don't worry, we'll sort something out.
07:16All right. Come on, skipper. Let's show you your vessel.
07:19Yeah, I'd like to look her over, Del.
07:21Make sure she meets with my approval.
07:24Bleed and shame if she don't, because we sail in half an hour.
07:31Albert, slow down. You're going too fast.
07:34You're going too fast. Slow down.
07:37Right. Right a bit.
07:39Eh?
07:40To your right.
07:42You mean starboard.
07:44I mean right. Don't start all that Captain Bird's-eye, bloody cobblers.
07:47I said right.
07:49Come on, right.
07:52Now, you've gone too far now. You're too far.
07:54Come over to your left.
07:57Left.
07:59I said left.
08:01That's port side.
08:02I'll come up there and punch you in the bloody nose in a minute.
08:05When I say left, I mean left.
08:10Mind this little boat down there.
08:12Eh?
08:13What's this little boat?
08:18Argh!
08:19Sorry, sick mate.
08:21What did you say, pal?
08:24End to you, Sam.
08:26Cheeky git.
08:28All right, come to your right again now.
08:30Albert, you're doing very well.
08:32Not now.
08:34What are you doing that for? God's invited us to dance or what?
08:36Look, come right again.
08:39It's over work, that's all.
08:41Too many hours in that lorry cab.
08:43All you need is a little relaxation and some fresh air.
08:46That's all.
09:01Gordon Bennett!
09:06I'm sick.
09:07I'm sick.
09:11I feel sick, though.
09:13Leave it out, you tart.
09:16We've only just started.
09:18It's only just a little ripple.
09:20Wait till we get out there on the big waves.
09:22We'll be going up and down and up and down.
09:27It'll be just like the Big Dipper.
09:31Oh, God.
09:34That's it, Rodney. Go on, cough it up. It'll be nice.
09:40It's an old tingle running down the spine, this, isn't it?
09:43Well, it's in the blood, of course.
09:46This island race, this septic pile, yeah.
09:51Us Brits, we've got salt water flowing through our veins.
09:55Will you shut up about blood and veins?
09:59And when you think of all the English heroes that have set sail out of these waters
10:03to go and discover a new world and stitch the day goes up,
10:10it makes you feel very, very proud.
10:17Robin Hood, Robin Hood, with his band of men.
10:26Robin Hood, Robin Hood, riding through the glen.
10:32Feared by the...
10:37Do you have any idea where we are?
10:39Well, not really, Del. I'd never got the hang of these charts.
10:43Well, then how in God's name did you expect to get us across to Holland?
10:46Well, Del said it weren't all that far.
10:48Well, it ain't all that far if you're going in the right bleeding direction.
10:52Should have been in Holland five hours ago.
10:55Look at it. Middle of the poxy-bleeding night and not a windmill anywhere.
10:59Thought you said that you could sail a boat.
11:01Well, it went, didn't it?
11:03I know it went. Yeah, it went all right, but where?
11:05Eh?
11:06Look, Albert, where is our position?
11:10Well, we're... we're here, aren't we?
11:14Sort of.
11:17Oh, right.
11:19So, according to all your calculations, we're just off the Strait of Gibraltar,
11:23but we're also very close to Copenhagen.
11:26Well, it narrows it down a little bit, doesn't it?
11:28Yeah. In the right ocean, at least, don't we?
11:31When I was in the Navy, I was a boiler maintenance man.
11:35So you've never actually studied navigation at all?
11:38Boiler maintenance man, didn't that do?
11:40See, the boiler has a tendency to go wherever the ship's going.
11:44No, but you can't be far away, can we, I mean?
11:47Seemed to go pretty straight, didn't we?
11:49Pretty... it's something else, isn't it?
11:51And what about all the currents they've got around here, Robert?
11:54We could have drifted anywhere by now.
11:55Yes, he's right and all.
11:57Hey, we're in the middle of the North Sea, aren't we?
11:59We've got more currents than I've crossed the bum.
12:02Let's not panic, eh?
12:04We'll wait till the morning. Bound to see Zoe.
12:07Oh, yeah. We keep our eyes peeled for tulips.
12:10Listen out for the sound of clogs.
12:17Stars.
12:19What's... the stars?
12:22The stars.
12:23You don't need to read your horoscope, Rodney, to realise you're in dead lumber.
12:27Them stars.
12:30You can steer a ship by the stars.
12:34He's right and all.
12:36I remember seeing it once in the O'Deegan line.
12:38That's a bloody good idea, Rodney.
12:53They're millions of them, weren't they?
12:58I love him. I just bloody love him.
13:04Isn't there anything up there that rings the bell?
13:08I'm not quite sure what I'm supposed to be looking for.
13:11They've all got names, haven't they?
13:13Like the bear. Things like that.
13:16Well, can't you just find the bear?
13:19Well, what does it look like?
13:21Well, it looks like a bloody rabbit, doesn't it?
13:23I mean, what do you think a bear looks like?
13:25Well, where would I find it?
13:26Standing up there on top of the glacier, mate.
13:28You're giving me the hump you are, Albert. You're giving me the right hump.
13:33Look!
13:34What?
13:35That there. It's Concord.
13:39So?
13:41I'm just saying. Concord.
13:48I'm going to kill him. I'm going to kill him, you sucky old...
13:51I am!
13:52I'm going to kill you, Rodney!
13:53Del, leave him alone!
13:55I'm going to kill you, Rodney!
13:57I'm going to kill you, Rodney!
14:02I'm going to kill you, Rodney!
14:12Here we go, Rodders. There's your tea.
14:15Sorry I spilled it.
14:17Any luck?
14:18No, not a thing. Where's A-Cab?
14:21He's down below in the cabin, poncing about with the radio.
14:24It's all crackles and hisses and dogger bankers.
14:26I mean, what can't we do with him?
14:27Well, at least he's doing something positive to get us out of this mess.
14:30He's trying to get the Kid Jensen show.
14:35Anyway, where are them binoculars?
14:42Ahoy!
14:44Full ahead both, Mr Christian.
14:47Why?
14:48We're going to Holland, Rodders. We're going to Holland.
15:00Oi! Oi! Jump!
15:05Holland!
15:06What?
15:07Which way to Holland?
15:10Holland?
15:13It's over there!
15:14Cheers, pal!
15:17Albert, it's to the right. Holland is that way.
15:22Thank you!
15:25Well, Rodney, see?
15:28Don't know the way, just got to ask someone, ain't ya?
15:38What is the plan?
15:39What do you keep asking me for? You've got a watch of your own, ain't ya?
15:42Yes, but it hasn't worked properly since Del sold it to me.
15:45It is five to eleven. That's five to twelve their time.
15:49The exchange doesn't take place till midday.
15:51So just calm down, will you?
15:53Calm down, he says. I'm becoming rather concerned about this whole affair.
15:58What is worrying you now?
16:00You know perfectly well what's worrying me.
16:02What happens if Van Cleef discovers the £50,000 is all counterfeit money?
16:05And how's he going to do that? He's a Dutchman. He wouldn't know a dodgy English tenor from a real one.
16:10Not immediately, perhaps, but in time he may.
16:12We have discussed this time and time again.
16:16The first thing Van Cleef is going to do is launder that money.
16:19He's then going to exchange it at safe houses for Dutch notes.
16:22It will then be exchanged time and time again, passed through many hands,
16:26until some smart arse discovers it's worthless.
16:29But by then it'll be too late because they won't know who gave it to them.
16:34Del may know this, that affects him.
16:36I shouldn't think so.
16:37In any case, he's hardly going to voice his doubts with Van Cleef and his abbeys in close attendance, is he?
16:44There's a minute to go.
16:45I wonder if he's there yet.
16:48Where are we then?
16:49It's obvious, isn't it, eh? We're in Bulgaria.
16:53I know that. I know where we are. What I meant was...
16:58Well, where are we?
16:59This is the North Sea Canal, Rodney. Takes us right into the heart of Amsterdam.
17:03Yeah. Just don't act suspicious, Rodney. Just let's pretend we're Dutchmen, all right?
17:11Ajax!
17:17There's one minute past time. Why ain't he rung?
17:19Maybe they've sunk.
17:20No, no, they'd got their Uncle Albert with them.
17:24Yeah, maybe they have sunk.
17:27Hello.
17:29Oh, hello, Mr Biggestarf.
17:32You bought a car off us when?
17:35Well, I don't care if you are broken down on the A1. What do you expect me to do about it?
17:40Well, my advice to you, pal, is shove it.
17:43No, this is not Mr Boyce speaking. This is his public relations officer.
17:47Ahem.
18:17We stay down here, all right?
18:18Why?
18:19Because we don't know what sort of welcome we're going to get up there, do we?
18:22Might turn very nasty.
18:23Oi, listen, Duff. If there's going to be any trouble, I want to be up there with you.
18:26I want you to stay down here, Rodney. First sign of any trouble from up there, now you leg it.
18:30No, I'm...
18:31Now, watch it, Rodney. You, keep your eye on him. Make sure he stays down here.
18:34All right, Dale. It's for the best, son.
18:47Ahem.
19:01Good afternoon. Derek Trotter.
19:05From London.
19:13Good afternoon, Mr Van Cleef. My name is Derek Trotter.
19:17Sorry I'm a bit late. I had a bit of bother, as you can probably see.
19:21Not a worry, Mr Trotter. You're here now.
19:25This is Mr Hussein, Abdul's cousin. And these two gentlemen are my assistants.
19:31He's a big lad, isn't he? I suppose it's all that cheese he eats, is it?
19:42You have the money, Mr Trotter?
19:43Yes, I have the money, Mr Van Cleef.
19:46You have the diamonds?
19:47Yes, I have the diamonds.
19:59If you'll examine them, I'll make the phone call.
20:03Hello?
20:05Oh, good afternoon, Mr Van Cleef.
20:07It's him.
20:09Your man has arrived.
20:12Of course.
20:15He wants to talk to you.
20:16Your man has arrived.
20:19Of course.
20:22He wants to talk to you.
20:41Hello, Percy.
20:42Everything all right, Daryl?
20:43Yeah. Couldn't be better.
20:46Is my cousin there?
20:48Is Abdul's cousin there?
20:50Yeah, he's checking the merchandise now.
20:52These are blue-white stones.
20:54Purity absolutely clean.
20:56Cut by experts.
20:57They are of the finest quality.
21:00He says they're parka.
21:02The scum's a good!
21:05OK, Daryl.
21:07I'm now going to give you the combination to the briefcase.
21:11It's 714...
21:14714...
21:17939...
21:20939...
21:40939...
22:06Good.
22:08I believe these are yours, Mr Trotter.
22:11Thank you very much.
22:13Boise, we got a deal.
22:15Good.
22:17No problems?
22:18No. Everything went as sweet as a nut.
22:21I'll see you soon.
22:22Yeah. Don't forget now, will you?
22:25I'll give you a bell.
22:28Will you be needing me any longer?
22:30No, no. On your way, pal.
22:33The exchange is completed.
22:39It's nice to do business with you as well.
22:43Well, must fly.
22:46See you soon, Mr Van Cleef.
22:47Good day, Mr Trotter.
22:49And good luck.
22:53A-X.
23:04The courier has just left.
23:06She'll be with you soon.
23:09Trotter.
23:10Derek Trotter.
23:24All right, Bill?
23:25Terrific.
23:26Well, gentlemen...
23:27Bill Hutton.
23:28Bill Hutton.
23:34Let go!
23:51Hey!
23:59Stop!
24:13Come on.
24:14Come on.
24:15Come on.
24:17Come on.
24:19You two go on.
24:20I'll be all right.
24:22Yeah, all right. Come on, Bill.
24:25We can't leave.
24:26Oh, I know.
24:27It's got nothing incriminating on it.
24:28I know.
24:29Come on.
24:30You can't leave the poor old sod to face the music, can you?
24:33All right, all right.
24:34Look, look.
24:35Hands up.
24:36No rough stuff, eh?
24:45You dozy little twonk, Rodney.
24:49What did you shout rum for?
24:52It wasn't me.
24:53It was him.
24:55You shouted rum.
24:56No, I didn't.
24:57It was nothing to do with me.
24:58Yes, you did.
24:59I heard you.
25:00Come out of the building.
25:01Then I'll do an autopsy.
25:02I heard you.
25:14Who calls it?
25:19We've got our man, Hoskins.
25:24Del?
25:26But how did you find out, sir?
25:27I've got a funny feeling in my water.
25:29Remember what happened last time I had that funny feeling?
25:31Oh, you mean the antibiotics?
25:33No, I don't mean that.
25:35I'm talking about the time I nicked that little packy gang for bringing in cocaine mixed with curry powder.
25:39Oh, yeah.
25:40That was a good hunch of yours, sir.
25:41Have a look at this.
25:44I've got Davies and Skinner covering Luton Airport.
25:46There's a ten-man team at Heathrow.
25:48You and me are at Gatwick.
25:50Right, Hoskins.
25:51Right, Hoskins.
25:52I'm going to teach you the basic rules of airport surveillance.
25:56Remember patience, Hoskins.
25:58Be prepared for a long, long wait.
26:02Also, suspect everyone.
26:06What's the most important thing we have to do, Hoskins?
26:10I don't know, sir.
26:16Oh, yeah.
26:17We're sobreros.
26:19What do I look like?
26:21Well, carry on, sir.
26:24I look like an ordinary holidaymaker, don't I?
26:27Oh, I see. Blend into the surroundings.
26:30The first rule of surveillance is don't look conspicuous.
26:36We'll have to get you something, Hoskins.
26:38You look all right, Ted.
26:43How can we be lost again?
26:46I thought you'd know the way by now.
26:48So did I. It all looks the same to me.
26:53I feel sick.
26:54Oh, shut up, Rodney.
26:56Why can't we just go back the way we came?
27:00That's what I've been trying to do.
27:03Dale, there's a ship.
27:05Oh, well, that's a turn-up for the book, innit, eh?
27:08This is the last place you'd expect to find a ship.
27:12Oh, it's the Norland.
27:14It's the Norland!
27:16So what?
27:18The Norland?
27:19We saw that back in Port just before we left England.
27:23Dale, that is the Zebrugger to Hull Ferry.
27:26Right, so it's the Zebrugger to Hull...
27:31Good boy, Rodney. Well spotted.
27:34Albert!
27:35Follow that boat!
27:41Four o'clock. They're still not back.
27:44It's not four o'clock. It's half-past twelve.
27:50Bloody watch.
27:51There's still a day late, though. Something has gone wrong.
27:54Dale phoned me this morning at half-past seven.
27:57He's back in England.
27:58They even got through customs without a hitch.
28:00They probably got held up on the way...
28:07It's them.
28:12Come on.
28:17Let Popeye out the back, will you, Rodney?
28:25Where the hell have you been?
28:26All right, all right, all right.
28:29Had a little bit of trouble, you know.
28:31Got lost in the middle of the North Sea.
28:34Then Rodney spotted the Zebrugger to Hull Ferry, so we followed it.
28:38And that's how you got to Hull?
28:40No, that is how we got to Zebrugger.
28:42It was going the wrong bloody way.
28:44So we had to wait for it to turn round and then we followed it back.
28:47OK, well, you're here now anyway.
28:55OK, you got the diamonds?
28:58You got the money?
29:05Here's your money.
29:06I'll put it on the table.
29:08Down, down, down.
29:09On the table, on the table.
29:26Buenos dias.
29:27Bloody hell.
29:28Sleight of hand.
29:32Rodney, this way.
29:33At the back, here.
29:34Let's get to the...
29:39Phew.
29:45They're pretty, aren't they?
29:47Erm...
29:49Inspector Slater.
29:50Chief Inspector.
29:53My apologies.
29:54Chief Inspector.
29:56Couldn't we discuss this in a civilised and gentlemanly manner?
29:59What's to discuss?
30:00I've got you banged to rights.
30:04Oh, phew.
30:06You smell like a mackerel trawler.
30:08So would you if you spent half the week in the middle of the North Sea?
30:12Oh, so you came in by sea, did you?
30:14I just spent 18 hours waiting at Gatwick Airport for you.
30:17Who is this little person?
30:18Don't tell me. You're a trotter, aren't you?
30:20I'm the boy's uncle.
30:21Yeah, you can see the family resemblance.
30:23It's those shifty little rodent eyes and the furtive movement of the feet.
30:26Dead giveaway.
30:29This is a very sad day for me.
30:31My very last case and I have to nick two of me old school friends.
30:35Still, never mind, eh?
30:39Thirty. Spot on.
30:44Roy.
30:47Give us a break, will you?
30:50Wasn't us that smuggled those diamonds in.
30:54It was Delboy.
30:57Yes, he's right, Chief Inspector. It was nothing to do with us.
31:00It was them three.
31:01No, no, no. It was just me, Slater.
31:04No, I was the brains behind it.
31:10Oh, all right, then.
31:13It is tearing me apart to see you lot squirming like this.
31:18What am I to do?
31:24Away you go, bugger.
31:25Let's go.
31:28All right.
31:29All right.
31:30I've reached a decision.
31:32There are two ways we can handle this unfortunate situation.
31:35One, I take you all down the nick with the evidence and see you banged up for five years apiece.
31:41Or two, I walk out of here and pretend it never happened.
31:45Yeah, that sounds a good scheme, Roy.
31:47Let's pretend it never happened.
31:50Yes, yes, I will go along with that.
31:53What do you think, Delboy?
31:55I think something smells very fishy around here.
31:58And ain't just these clothes.
32:01How come you knew there was 30 diamonds in that bag?
32:04Yeah, and how come you knew who was involved right from the start?
32:08Just a minute.
32:10When we were in the cafe the other day, that bloke you was telling us about,
32:12that you couldn't nick for smugging diamonds because of lack of evidence, what was his name?
32:15You mean Hendrick?
32:16Yeah.
32:17His surname wouldn't have been Van Cleef by any chance, would it?
32:22You found me out, you rascal.
32:25What?
32:26You and Van Cleef?
32:27That's right.
32:28He offered me a little business deal.
32:30He sets up a bunch of wallies who are greedy enough to smuggle diamonds into the country
32:34and I pick them up this side of the water.
32:36Not only do we get paid at both ends, you take all the risks.
32:40Brilliant, innit?
32:42It's the third time we've pulled it off.
32:44And there is nothing you can do about it.
32:47Unless, of course, you fancy spelling the scrubs.
32:51Well, gentlemen, I think we've concluded our business, don't you?
32:56Aren't you going to wish me good luck for the future?
32:58No?
33:00Oh, well.
33:01Win some, lose some.
33:05Why don't we bump into each other one of these days, Slater?
33:08I don't think so, dull boy.
33:10I'm going a long way away from here.
33:13Cheer up, lads.
33:15You've still got your freedom.
33:20You burk, Addal!
33:22You burk, Addal!
33:24How was I to know Van Cleef was a crook?
33:26Bloody foreigner.
33:33Where are you going, dull?
33:35Where am I going?
33:37I'm going where I should have stayed right at the bloody start.
33:41Going home.
33:42Well, look, don't get the hump with us. We ain't done nothing.
33:46You ain't done nothing?
33:48You sent me halfway round the world.
33:50I've been to Amsterdam. I've been to Hallenbeck.
33:53For what?
33:55Slater's taken the diamonds, he's taken the money.
33:58On top of all that, my two mates have grassed me up.
34:02Well, they weren't actually grassing you.
34:05No, no, no, it was more of a diversity tactic.
34:08Yeah, to divert the blame from yourselves.
34:14Go on, Rodney.
34:16Albert.
34:18Let's go home.
34:33I can't understand, sir.
34:35Not a single clue to the diamonds' whereabouts.
34:38Not a thing. They were all as clean as whistles.
34:40This was the third time we followed the diamonds,
34:43and this is the third time we've drawn a blank.
34:46That's the way it goes in this game.
34:48Maybe I'm past it, Hoskins.
34:50My hunches don't seem to pay off any more.
34:52Just as well I'm taking early retirement.
34:55Do you know what I think?
34:57No, and to be honest, I'm not really interested.
34:59You're not paid to think, Hoskins.
35:01You're paid to do your job, now drive me home.
35:03Yes, sir.
35:06Where are you going, Hoskins? Isn't the way to my house?
35:09No, no, it isn't, sir.
35:11Sawleys.
35:14They'd known about you for a long time.
35:18And they just couldn't catch you in possession.
35:21Till now, sir.
35:23You've set me up.
35:25You've set yourself up, sir.
35:27Look, Hoskins. Terrence.
35:30Use your loaf.
35:32Help me out of this and I'll make you a rich man.
35:34Money from them other diamonds is in a bank account.
35:37I'll let you have half.
35:39What do you think?
35:41You seem to forget, sir.
35:43I don't think.
35:45I only do my job.
36:12I think we should phone the police.
36:14Phone the police? Oh, yeah?
36:17And what are we going to tell them?
36:19A bent copper disguised as a Cisco kid stole our smuggled diamonds?
36:23Yeah, you have a point.
36:25Well, anyway, at least the only money we lost was counterfeit.
36:29Apart from the 15 grand slate they're half-inched.
36:34You mean that was real?
36:36I drew it out of the bank Friday.
36:38I drew it out of the bank Friday.
36:41I didn't intend to pay Del Boy funny money.
36:44I ain't into plastic surgery.
36:47I am gutted.
36:51Gutted.
36:57Del?
36:58All right, hold on a minute.
37:03Oi, listen, you two.
37:06This hasn't turned out as bad as you think.
37:09It hasn't turned out as bad as we think.
37:12It's turned out bloody well, Rodney.
37:14Albert Porter drinks.
37:16What do you want, Rodney?
37:18Well, an explanation would be nice.
37:23Listen to me.
37:25You know that 50 grand that we took over from Amsterdam?
37:28It was counterfeit.
37:30It was counterfeit?
37:32And you knew?
37:34In the case in Van Cleef's office, I didn't.
37:36There's one thing I do know about Rodney, and that is kosher readies.
37:40Cheers.
37:42You didn't tell no-one?
37:44Oh, yes, I said,
37:45Excuse me, Mr Van Cleef, all that money, it's Mickey Mouse money.
37:48Of course I didn't.
37:49I just stood there and prayed.
37:50Of course me old April was going like a moped.
37:52Fortunately, he gave the money to these two gorillas to check,
37:55and, well, they were about as bright as an eclipse.
37:59So Boise and Abdul sent us over there with fake money?
38:03Mm-hm.
38:04Right. We're going to get even with them for that, aren't we?
38:06We already have, Rodney.
38:08Eh?
38:09Go on, Albert.
38:10Show him. Hold your hand out.
38:21They're real, aren't they?
38:23They're top of the range, my son.
38:25Blue, white, purity, absolutely clean.
38:28They are, as they say in France, chasse de fourme.
38:32No, hold on.
38:34Slater picked up 30 diamonds.
38:37No, he didn't.
38:38He took 28 diamonds and two cat's eyes.
38:43Oh, Derek.
38:45Oh, who's a pretty boy, then?
38:49They're worth about five grand each.
38:51Well, by the time we put them through the fence,
38:53we'll get, what, six grand for the pair.
38:55At 6,000 pounds split three ways
38:58means that you two get 1,000 pounds each in your skies.
39:01Yeah!
39:04Eh?
39:06Well, actually, we got slightly more than that, Derek.
39:08Hm? What do you mean?
39:09You know that 15 grand that went missing?
39:11It didn't go missing. That bark Slater picked it up, didn't he?
39:14Oh, Slater didn't pick it up.
39:16Hm?
39:17I did.
39:23You crafty little sod, Rodney.
39:26Well, you know, it was just there lying on the table
39:29and in all that confusion when we tried to escape,
39:32I could just hear it saying,
39:33''Daddy, Daddy.''
39:35So I picked it up.
39:39You know what we're going to do with this money, Rodney?
39:41Yes, we'll invest it.
39:43We'll make it work for us.
39:45This time next year, I will be millionaires.
39:48Or shall we go to Benidorm?
39:50No, I'll show you what we're going to do with it.
39:52Hm.
40:07For a minute, I thought he threw that 15 grand out the window.
40:12Oh, don't be silly, hun.
40:14Mummy needn't do a silly thing like that.
40:18There's Boyce's money, wasn't it?
40:20It was fake.
40:21Dad, it's a counterfeit.
40:24But it looked genuine enough to me,
40:27cos, you know, it had all the little watermarks in it
40:29and the little silver strips and everything.
40:32Oh, leave it out, Rodney.
40:34What do you think I am, eh?
40:36Some sort of wally.