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🎥
Short filmTranscript
00:00This programme contains strong language and adult humour
00:31You all right, mate?
00:33Yeah, yeah.
00:35Just keeping a low profile after last night.
00:38Mate, that's upside down.
00:40That doesn't matter. I just don't want this lot knowing
00:42it was me taking my clothes off during the karaoke last night.
00:45Oh, hello.
00:47I didn't recognise you with your clothes on.
00:54Oh, man, they all know it was me.
00:57Incredible. And I thought your disguise was foolproof.
01:00Mate, I've got an idea.
01:03Really? Yeah.
01:05As we ain't getting busy with the ladies here,
01:07why don't we spread our legs a bit further?
01:09I'm sorry?
01:11Somebody told me that even though it's all inclusive here,
01:13you are allowed to leave.
01:15Really? Oh, well, they kept that one quiet.
01:18I know. They should have a sign.
01:20Anyway, I was thinking, we're in Spain,
01:23let's get us some Spanish girls.
01:26I like it. A couple of señoritas.
01:29Well, we don't know what their names are yet, obviously.
01:32But, yeah, come on, let's bounce.
01:37No, I'm terribly sorry.
01:39The property auction has been relocated.
01:42You need the Hotel Casanova in the Old Town.
01:45Bus is just across the road.
01:47That's it, back out the way you came. Thank you very much.
01:49Have a wonderful day. Well, thanks a lot.
01:52Beg your pardon, Les?
01:54I'm afraid the property auction has moved.
01:56I nearly busted a gut this morning
01:58putting all them chairs out in the wine function room.
02:01No, the auction is still here.
02:03I don't understand.
02:05I'm afraid that is what's known in the property business as a white lie.
02:09I noticed they were carrying a brochure
02:11for a certain bijou villa in the Finistrap Hills.
02:14My villa.
02:16I can't believe it. I had a dream the other week.
02:19I had a house, and this was it.
02:21Are you going to buy a horse?
02:23No, it doesn't have a horse.
02:25No, man, you're buying a hoose to live in.
02:28Oh, a house!
02:30That's what I'm saying.
02:31You really must try harder with the language, Les.
02:34At least with the Spanish stuff, I've got a phrase book somewhere.
02:41Excuse me, can you help me?
02:44Yes.
02:45There doesn't seem to be any free sunbeds.
02:48Do you want just one person?
02:50I want a twin sister in witness, if that's what you mean.
02:54How many sunbeds do you want?
02:56Well, three would be nice.
02:58I have both my children with me,
03:01although they'll probably be in a house in the pool all day.
03:06You know what kids are like.
03:08You can't tell people you're a vegetarian if you eat fish.
03:11I can tell them I'm an astronaut if the moon takes me.
03:14You're a pescatarian.
03:16I haven't had a drink in 18 months.
03:18That means you eat fish and vegetables.
03:20You can't tell people you're a vegetarian when you eat fish.
03:23It's strange you keep saying that, as if I'm actually listening.
03:27Hey, hey, you are making too much noise.
03:30She started it.
03:32No, you started it.
03:33No, you started it.
03:34No, you started it.
03:36Hey, this is not a kindergarten for the people of the Middle Ages.
03:40Middle Ages?
03:41I think he means middle-aged.
03:43How dare you? I know it's near Middle Age.
03:46That's enough. Do not fight like children.
03:49You are old.
03:51I'm keeping my eyes peeled on you.
03:55Honestly, I can't take you two anywhere.
04:00MUSIC PLAYS
04:15Oh, my God!
04:22I've been burgled.
04:24What's wrong?
04:25The salon, they've taken everything.
04:27Ooh!
04:28You've not been burgled.
04:29I have gone up for yourself.
04:31I got rid of it all.
04:32They've taken the mirrors, they've taken the chairs...
04:35You what?
04:37We're rebranding.
04:39You've got rid of all my salon furniture?
04:41Don't worry, we've got new stuff coming this afternoon.
04:43This afternoon?
04:44Are you taking the piss you're in Spain?
04:46It takes a fortnight for someone to answer the phone.
04:48Rebranding? That's exciting.
04:51Well, it would be if I'd been consulted.
04:53I'm giving the salon a new lease of life.
04:55Blow and Go does not need a new lease of life.
04:58That's another thing, we need a new name.
05:00What? Never.
05:02You can change my mirrors, but you'll never change my name.
05:04I like Blow and Go.
05:06It's what we used to call the meet and greet
05:08at the Middlesbrough Swingers Association.
05:10I'm paying the rent now, Kenneth.
05:12Think I should have a say in it?
05:13Oh, here we go.
05:14That's what all this boils down to.
05:16The dirty dollar.
05:17Or, as an alternative, you pay the rent.
05:20The electricity, the water, the rates, the wholesaler's bill.
05:23Then we'll stick with Blow and Go.
05:27I'm not happy about this!
05:30Could have fooled me.
05:36I've just got one thing to say.
05:44We're still here.
05:46Without wanting to sound too dramatic,
05:49I don't want to die on me own.
05:52Right.
05:53Was there anything else?
05:55What I mean is, I don't think I've got long left.
05:59And I really would like to spend my final days
06:02surrounded by love and appreciation.
06:04Where are you planning on going?
06:06Cheron.
06:07Oh, well, it's the same thing over and over again.
06:13What's that?
06:14I tried to get separate insurance for this holiday.
06:18I didn't want to be a burden to you.
06:20Well, they asked me for a note from me doctor.
06:23And that's what they gave me.
06:27You need to be spending your money
06:29on getting drunk and straw donkeys,
06:33not flying a body bag back to the UK.
06:40Is this real?
06:42I'm afraid so.
06:46To whom it may concern,
06:48as Mr Edward Dawson's GP,
06:50I have no hesitation in recommending the above name.
06:53He's not only unsuitable to fly,
06:55but with a heart condition such as his,
06:57any strenuous activity or unnecessary stress
07:00may result in irreparable damage.
07:04Or worse.
07:09I'll go and get us some drinks.
07:15I'll go.
07:19Oh.
07:24God help you if this isn't true.
07:36Good day to you, ladies and gentlemen.
07:38My name is Evelyn Pike. I'll be your auctioneer today.
07:41We've found an amount of lots to get through,
07:43so let's start with this little gem,
07:46a very agreeable modern villa in the Pollock Valley
07:49who'll start me at 100.
07:51100, thank you. Do I hear 110?
07:53You got your eye on anything special?
07:56Well, I must say,
07:58the auctioneer has a certain dignified air about him.
08:02I meant the auction.
08:04Oh, I do beg your pardon. I'm sorry, I thought you meant...
08:08No. Well, yes.
08:10But I'd rather not discuss it if it's all the same to you.
08:13I understand.
08:15You keep your cards close to your chest, yes?
08:18Exactly.
08:19Mm. Lucky cards. That's what I say.
08:25Any more anywhere?
08:27170.
08:29Madam against you.
08:32People call me Mr Wu.
08:34Yes, I can see why. Quite the charmer.
08:37No, not Wu, double O.
08:39Wu with a U.
08:41Mr Wu, Chinese buffet near the beach.
08:44Oh, you're Mr Wu.
08:47Exactly.
08:48Oh, I see. All right.
08:50Nice to meet you, Mr Wu.
08:52I'm Joyce Temple-Savage, manageress of the salon.
08:55Pleased to meet you, Joyce.
08:57Tell me, are you a virgin?
09:00You're joking.
09:01I've been round the block more times than a lost jugger.
09:04Auction virgin. It looked like your first time.
09:07Yes, it is.
09:09I've got a clue what's going on.
09:11This is the property you're interested in?
09:13Oh, yes. It's just a small finca near the Finistrack Hills.
09:16It doesn't look much, but I feel it's got huge potential.
09:20What do you think?
09:22Wow. Guide price of 80,000 to 100,000.
09:25That is cheap as Chinese chips.
09:27Well, I have quite a limited budget.
09:29Do you think it'll go higher than 100,000?
09:32In a word, no.
09:33Oh, wonderful.
09:35Unless somebody else want it as well.
09:37Then, in another word, yes.
09:45Any more? 140.
09:47It's nice to know I'm sitting with an expert.
09:49140.
09:53Here you go. This is it.
09:55It looks a bit rough.
09:56I came here a couple of years ago with a mate.
09:58There's Spanish girls near our feet.
10:00Well, I suppose we ain't got much competition.
10:02Look at the blokes.
10:03Exactly. Come on, amigo.
10:05Oh, can I choose my own name?
10:07Eh?
10:08It's just, I don't really like the name Migo.
10:10Can I be called Dogtanian from Dogtanian and the Muskehounds?
10:13Mate, what are you talking about?
10:15I thought we had to have Spanish names.
10:17No, come on.
10:18Can I still be called Dogtanian?
10:20No!
10:29Considering we're in Spain,
10:31does it not bother you that there is nothing remotely Spanish about this holiday?
10:36Well, we've got the Spanish sun.
10:39That's the same sun we get in the UK.
10:41No, it's not. It's hotter.
10:44The sun is not Spanish.
10:46Well, why do they call it the Spanish sun?
10:49Because it's in Spain.
10:51Well, there you are. I must be Spanish, then.
10:53But your shoes are in Spain. It doesn't make them Spanish.
10:56Yes, it does.
10:57No, it doesn't.
10:58Your shoes are not Spanish by virtue of them being in Spain.
11:01I know they're not.
11:03They're Spanish because I bought them in the indoor market last year.
11:08Hey!
11:10One nil.
11:11I don't believe it.
11:12It's true.
11:14I nipped out for half an hour while you got rubella.
11:18I've been sacked.
11:19How can you be sacked? You don't have a job.
11:22Email from Barry Stent.
11:24Who's Barry Stent?
11:26If you shut up, I'll tell you about it.
11:28There's no need to bite me, I don't.
11:31How can anyone sack you from a job you don't have?
11:34Well, if you'll listen to me, you'll find out.
11:36Was it these shoes I got here?
11:39Or am I thinking of those jelly sandals?
11:43Mother!
11:47Dear Mr Maltby,
11:48we have finally amassed adequate information
11:51regarding the alleged predetermined results
11:53of last month's inter-county pub quiz final.
11:56It is our duty to inform you that forensic evidence
11:59has led to only one possible transgressor, you.
12:03From this day henceforth,
12:05you are relieved of all your official duties
12:08and stripped of your oracle status.
12:13Please find our full and in-depth investigation attached.
12:17Be aware there is no recourse.
12:19This decision is final and binding.
12:24It was these shoes I got here.
12:28Because they've got a bag to match.
12:31Shut up about your bloody shoes.
12:33I've been accused of match-rigging.
12:35It's a trip to a bullfight.
12:37But it says here on TripAdvisor it's just a front
12:39to try and sell juice extractors.
12:41What's the point of talking to either of you?
12:46I once went on a free trip from here
12:50where they showed you how to fold a Spanish blanket.
13:00All right?
13:01Oh, that's smashing. Thanks, son.
13:04Do you prefer a pillow?
13:06Try it over his face.
13:07Huh?
13:08Nothing, love.
13:09He's grand. Thanks, son.
13:12Why would Grandad want the pillow over his face?
13:14Jodie, do you want to play on me phone?
13:16Can I?
13:17Yeah, yeah.
13:21And next, ladies and gentlemen, we have lot 14,
13:24a delightful finca in the Finistrat area with enormous potential.
13:28Shall we open the bidding at 80,000?
13:30Hey, what do you think you're doing?
13:33If I don't bid, I can't get it.
13:35Wait. Price not quite right.
13:38Come, come, ladies and gentlemen, we're here to sell.
13:42OK, somebody start me at 70,000.
13:45Price not quite right.
13:4760,000.
13:49Price not quite right.
13:51OK, you're a tough crowd, but I like you,
13:54so let's get the ball rolling at 50,000 euros.
13:5750,000, here.
13:5850,000, thank you, sir. Do I hear 55?
14:01What on earth are you doing?
14:03Price is right.
14:04You don't want to buy this.
14:06If there's a profit, Mr Woo interested.
14:08Going once at 50,000, this is no money at all.
14:1270,000.
14:1370,000, that's the spirit, madam. Do I hear 75?
14:17What are you doing? We're supposed to go up in fives.
14:20This is my dream house. You're not having it.
14:23Check yourself before you wreck yourself, Joyce,
14:25and leave this to the professionals.
14:2780,000.
14:28OK, now you're bidding against yourself.
14:31The bid is already with you, madam, at 70,000.
14:34Do I hear 80?
14:3680,000.
14:3790.
14:38100,000.
14:44OK, price too high now.
14:46100,000 euros. Do I hear 110?
14:49I've only got a mortgage for 100,000.
14:51Fair warning, I am selling at 100,000
14:54to the lady on the gold mobility scooter.
14:57Going once, going twice and sold.
15:02Number, please.
15:03Thank you, madam.
15:05And moving on to lot 15,
15:08the restaurant in Finistrat is withdrawn.
15:13Withdrawn? You've got to be joking.
15:15That's what I came to bid on.
15:17Good, I'm glad.
15:18And I, for one, will never touch your port balls again.
15:23I hope you're happy.
15:25Delighted.
15:30Mate, do you know your Wi-Fi is down again?
15:33You hum it and I'll play it soon.
15:35What?
15:36It's a joke.
15:37Yeah, it is a joke.
15:38The brochure says there's Wi-Fi in all public areas.
15:41No, what I mean is...
15:42Do you need Wi-Fi, mate?
15:44Yeah.
15:45Do you mind?
15:46Be my guest.
15:48Try and stay clear of computers, meself.
15:51Very wise.
15:52Yeah, I did a bit of Internet dating a few year ago,
15:55but, well, let's just say it didn't work out.
16:02Yes, bud.
16:04There you go.
16:05Most of these surrounding hotels' Wi-Fi are pretty easy to crack some.
16:09Ah, nice one.
16:10No worries.
16:11Listen, you've got a bit of a time delay on your keyboard.
16:14Yeah, it's been doing that for months.
16:16I think it's just a bit old.
16:18No, mate, I don't think so.
16:19I reckon you've downloaded some pretty nasty malware somewhere along the line.
16:23You've got to be joking. I knew it.
16:25You get most of them off those so-called free porn sites.
16:30No, no, it won't be that.
16:32This is strictly a work laptop.
16:37Want me to have a look?
16:38No, I think it'll be all right.
16:40Well, if you can afford a new laptop...
16:43What?
16:44You'll only get worse.
16:46Really?
16:49Would you mind having a look?
16:51That's all.
16:52Give me something to do.
16:53There's only so much swimming and sunbathing you can do in a day.
16:57Listen, I'm not the only person to use the laptop,
17:00so, you know, it's not all my stuff.
17:04Don't worry, mate.
17:05I clean my granddad's hard disk from time to time
17:07and I do that with rubber gloves and a surgical mask.
17:10Do you?
17:11No, it's a joke.
17:13I'll give you a shout when I'm done.
17:15Yeah. Cheers.
17:19Large vodka and coke, please.
17:23Very large.
17:24Need water?
17:26Well, I think it's exciting.
17:28A fresh start.
17:30What was wrong with the old mirrors?
17:32These are terrible. They're all wonky.
17:34Look at this one.
17:35It's quite enormous, isn't it?
17:37Maybe because they're a bit smaller,
17:39you just fill it out a bit more.
17:42He's a control freak. That's what he is.
17:44No, I just don't see this working.
17:46I much prefer being my own boss.
17:48But now you have to pay rent on the salon and all the bills.
17:52If you go it alone without Troy's backing,
17:55I'm not being funny,
17:57you might actually have to do some work.
18:00Oh, damn you and your logic.
18:03Where are the workmen?
18:04Welcome to the siesta. Welcome to Spain.
18:07Oh, we'll soon see about that.
18:09The amount I'm paying them.
18:11Have you been shopping?
18:13New uniforms.
18:15What?
18:16Black trousers and black silk shirt.
18:19Very chic.
18:20Black trousers and black shirt.
18:22I'm an hairdresser, not a frigging mime act.
18:24We've got to bring this salon into the 21st century.
18:26Talking of which, how about...
18:28Hair by Troy.
18:29For the new name.
18:30Right, I'm off.
18:32Hang on, I'm not finished.
18:33I'm finished with your shite mirrors and your rubbish name
18:35and your crappy uniforms.
18:37Good luck with your business venture,
18:38because without me, you'll need it.
18:53Oh, man, you've got to go through there.
18:55What? Are the looms really nice?
18:57No, I mean the girls.
18:59They're a different breed out here.
19:01Really?
19:03I thought you were getting drinks here.
19:05I tried to order, but it didn't go very well.
19:08What do you mean?
19:09This is the one.
19:10You call me a dog, then ask for a threesome.
19:12What?
19:13I didn't, I didn't.
19:14I asked for...
19:16Hang on a minute.
19:21Oh, my God.
19:23I'll start again.
19:24Bonjour.
19:25G. Mappel.
19:27Joey.
19:29Look, look, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, but we're going.
19:50Back inside.
19:51You are just in time for happy hour.
19:54He doesn't look very happy to me.
19:56Shut up.
19:59What?
20:08So lovely to see you, Mrs Harvey.
20:10We thought we'd seen the last of you.
20:12Oh, no.
20:13Benidorm's difficult to get out of your system.
20:16It's very much the upink off of the travel world.
20:20Nicely put.
20:22Very strong tea.
20:24Did you remember the brandy?
20:26That's what I meant, they're very strong.
20:28Good lass.
20:29This is Mrs Harvey Amber, one of our old regulars.
20:33Hey, hey, hey, not so much of the old.
20:36Mrs Harvey and her family moved to America last year.
20:39Yeah, Las Vegas.
20:41Oh, that sounds exciting.
20:43I've always wanted to go to Vegas.
20:45We've got some business interests out there.
20:47A hotel, actually.
20:48Oh, right.
20:49How are things there, Mrs Harvey?
20:51Oh, it's all very complicated, Liz.
20:53It's taken almost a year to sort out the business side of things.
20:56So you all thought you'd come to Benidorm for a break?
20:59Oh, no.
21:00I'm here on me own.
21:02They think I'm in the UK, they don't know I've popped over here
21:05to buy me grandson an holiday home for his birthday.
21:08He absolutely loves it here.
21:11Then that one sitting down got the winning bid.
21:14That is Mrs Harvey.
21:15Do you not remember?
21:17Last year with the crazy little oompy-loompy person in the white hat.
21:21He told her she was a squillionaire.
21:23Only two types of people come to Benidorm.
21:26Those who never come again and those who never want to leave.
21:29Erm, excuse me.
21:31I hope I'm not interrupting.
21:33No, you're not. Piss off.
21:35Well, if there's anything you need while you're here, Mrs H,
21:38you just let us know.
21:40Give us a shout if you want that tea a bit stronger.
21:43Thanks, love.
21:46I am Mr Wu from Mr Wu Chinese Buffet.
21:50I couldn't give a frig if you put the fanny in fanny craddock.
21:54You know, there is an old Chinese saying.
21:57The sleeping cat should not ignore the rat pulling at its tail.
22:02What, you putting your fried rice in your own affair?
22:06I will buy the finca you just bought in the auction
22:09for 5,000 more than you paid for it.
22:12It's not for sale.
22:1510,000 more.
22:17Are you still here?
22:2015,000 more.
22:22If you don't fuck off, I'll shove this electric stick so far up your arse
22:26you'll light up like a Chinese lantern.
22:30The restaurant he was bidding on was in the next lot,
22:33but it was withdrawn.
22:35No wonder he's interested in Mrs Harvey's property.
22:38He's probably already spent a fortune on a licence.
22:41What licence?
22:42To open a restaurant.
22:44Yes, this is correct.
22:46One time I look into this restaurant licence,
22:48madre mia, so much money.
22:50And when you buy, it's only for one Pacific area.
22:54Is it now?
23:02Any chance of anybody doing some work today?
23:19I don't see how they can stop other people calling you the Oracle.
23:25I mean, apart from Jeff, that's your name.
23:28If I were you, I'd be more worried about the other names people call you.
23:32Oh, yeah? And what about the names they call you?
23:35All right, let's have no squabbling.
23:37I knew it was a bad idea, you being on spirits during the day.
23:41And what about her?
23:43I haven't had a drink for 18 months.
23:45Thank God, don't we know about it?
23:47It's the money I've saved from not drinking the last year and a half that's paid for this holiday.
23:51And what did you do with the other four million quid?
23:53I thought you went to get your twin top.
23:56My laptop?
23:57That's it.
23:59That lad over there's having a look at it for me.
24:01That young boy?
24:03He's still wet behind the ears.
24:06He won't be after trawling through his internet history.
24:12You know what?
24:14I can't believe I'm saying this,
24:16but you were actually a nicer person when you were still drinking.
24:32Oh, don't listen to him, Pauline.
24:36Can you honestly say you miss that thick-headed, dizzy feeling
24:42of staggering around laughing and not giving a damn?
24:48No, I thought not.
25:13MUSIC PLAYS
25:23Son, I've been thinking.
25:26Yeah?
25:28When we get home, I'm going to look at sheltered accommodation.
25:32What do you mean?
25:34I'm not a well man.
25:36I don't want you having the burden of being saddled with me if...
25:39If what?
25:41Well, if something happens to me.
25:43But that's why you're moving in, isn't it, Sharon?
25:46So we can keep an eye on you.
25:50Yeah.
25:52Yeah, that's why you're moving in, so we can keep an eye on you.
25:55You can have my room, Grandad.
25:57I'll sleep in Jodie's playroom.
25:59Really, son?
26:01Yeah, no problem.
26:03That's settled.
26:05It would seem so.
26:08Sharon, I don't know how else to apologise
26:12for making our Jodie scared at water.
26:15She's fine now, isn't she?
26:18Yeah, she's fine.
26:23Mate, we don't want any trouble, we just want to go.
26:26How many times do you want me to apologise?
26:28Do you know how many times I catch British pigs
26:32staring at Catalina's breasts?
26:34They must be loaves.
26:36They are huge.
26:39What Jodie means is you're a very lucky man.
26:43Catalina is my sister.
26:45It obviously runs in the family.
26:48Meep, meep!
26:53Sorry, I was just trying to lighten the mood.
26:59Welcome to Spanish happy hour.
27:02Each shot of whisky is ten euros.
27:04First man to fall pays for all of the drinks.
27:07Ten euros a shot? That is, like, well expensive.
27:10And my mate's just so busy.
27:12Shut up, Jodie.
27:13OK, but I'm going to have to do it if my mate doesn't drink.
27:16He does now.
27:18But if Jodie has no money,
27:20I'm sure I can find other ways to make him pay.
27:24Meep, meep.
27:28Oh, donkeys! I'm picking this!
27:33LAUGHTER
27:36Mate, be careful. I think he likes you.
27:39I like him too. He's funny.
27:41No, when I say he likes you, I kind of mean...
27:44How can I put it without getting too romantic?
27:47He'd quite like to bum you.
27:49Mate, don't be ridiculous.
27:51He's a big, hairy biker dressed in black leather.
27:54What's gay about that?
28:03BELL RINGS
28:07This is Roberto.
28:09He drinks all day and he drinks all night.
28:12He's known as El Barazil Fondo.
28:14You say the barrel without a bottom.
28:20I think you're going to be the one who wished he didn't have a bottom.
28:33BELL RINGS
28:46You've got five minutes, Wu. Time is money.
28:49Mrs Harvey, I didn't know if you would come.
28:52I assume you're upping your offer.
28:54Please, let us relax. Have Chinese tea.
28:58We have a proverb in my country which say,
29:01the monkey who eat the banana without peeling the skin
29:04is like the man who walk through his neighbour's melon patch
29:08without stopping to tie his shoelace.
29:11Did you used to write the clues for 321?
29:14What?
29:15It must be the Chinese year of the bull
29:17cos I've never heard so much shit in me entire life.
29:20Look, let's get down to business.
29:23I'm not here on holiday.
29:25Oh, you live in Benidorm.
29:27If you must know, I've been based in Las Vegas for the last year
29:30and here I have interests in several hotels.
29:33Oh, you like Donald Trump without the comb-over.
29:40My business partners and I are now looking to expand in Europe.
29:44You want to be a Spanish Trump?
29:47We got Chinese cabbage on the menu.
29:49We get a lot of doughs in here.
29:53Spanish Trump!
29:56Are you going to up your offer on my finca
30:00or just sit there giggling like a 12-year-old?
30:03OK, yes, I have new offer for you.
30:07I finca you're going to like this.
30:15Right.
30:17Piss off. You had your chance.
30:20Oh, wait, wait, wait.
30:23OK.
30:25Last offer of Mr Wu was 115,000 euro.
30:31I'm listening.
30:33New offer.
30:35116,000.
30:39I'm obviously wasting me time here.
30:41Wait, wait.
30:43118.
30:46120,000.
30:49121,000.
30:52122,000.
30:55OK, lady, I'm not being funny,
30:57but why are you being a complete bitch?
31:02Why do you want to pay 122,000 euros
31:05for a shit-tip of a house that's worth no more than 80?
31:10125,000 euro.
31:15Wait, wait.
31:17I've got an extension on my mortgage.
31:20What the bloody hell do you want?
31:22Mrs Harvey, I can pay you 150,000.
31:26I'm begging you.
31:28Mrs Harvey, I want that house.
31:31150,000?
31:33Yes.
31:35Wait.
31:37160,000 euro.
31:41Final offer.
31:43What? No!
31:45I've only got 150,000. Mrs Harvey, please.
31:53Sold to the highest bidder.
31:55No!
31:57Sorry, love. Business is business.
31:59Ah!
32:01Ah!
32:03Ah!
32:05Ah!
32:23Roberto! Roberto! Roberto!
32:26Roberto! Roberto!
32:32Come on, Javi, you can do it.
32:36Here he goes.
32:38Get ready to pay your bill, little boys.
32:42Yes! Come on!
32:44Dig a load, dig a load, dig a load.
32:46Dig a load, dig a load, dig a load.
32:49Valera!
32:55Mate, we've got to get you out of here
32:57before you die of alcoholic poisoning.
32:59Come here. What?
33:01Come here.
33:04I'm faking it. What?
33:06I'm faking it, bruv. I'm stone-cold sober.
33:09Bruv, how the fricking hell have you done that?
33:11I've never seen you drink once in all the time I've known you.
33:14Exactly. I don't drink cos it doesn't affect me.
33:16What?
33:18Straight up.
33:20Oh, my days, you are gold!
33:22CHEERING
33:24Yes!
33:26Now we get serious.
33:28Doubles!
33:30Hang on a minute, why don't we get really serious?
33:33Not doubles, not triples, but...
33:37..what comes after triples?
33:39Mate, you're asking the wrong person.
33:41Quadrangles!
33:43Yeah!
33:45MUSIC PLAYS
34:15CHEERING
34:17MUSIC CONTINUES
34:19MUSIC CONTINUES
34:24CHEERING
34:27MUSIC CONTINUES
34:37CHEERING
34:397 or 11, take a piano
34:49Doubles take a split, the ace of spades
34:52Yes, come on!
34:57Roberto
35:01I've had my funsies, I've had my fools
35:04But that's the way I like it, baby, I don't wanna live forever
35:18Turn off the music!
35:20Stop cheating! He's not drunk at all
35:22No, no, we didn't cheat, he's just really good at drinking, honest
35:26Now you have to pay for the drinks for everyone for the rest of the night
35:29And you, you my little friend
35:31Come to the basement to show me some of those pretty dance moves
35:36Oh my god!
35:37What's going on, bruv?
35:38It's happening, it's happening!
35:41What's happening? I thought you said alcohol doesn't affect you?
35:44I don't get drunk but it affects me in other ways
35:47What other ways?
35:48It gives me really, really bad
35:52Really bad what?
36:01Pfft
36:05Pfft
36:06Oh, my dice
36:08Mate, mate, mate, that is really bad
36:12Oh!
36:14I can hardly breathe
36:17Oh!
36:18Oh!
36:22Oh my nose!
36:23Oh my nose!
36:24Oh my nose is on fire!
36:26Come on, mate, let's run for it!
36:29Pfft
36:33Yeah!
36:39Here, Dad
36:40I want you to take two of these
36:42What are they?
36:44Sleeping tablets
36:45Oh, aye
36:46Knock the old man out while you head off into town, is that it?
36:50What? It's a Benidorm
36:51Why do we do that when the drinks are all paid for here?
36:54Come on, come on
36:55Oh, no
36:58Come on
36:59Wasting valuable supping time here
37:02Oh, right
37:04Right
37:05Any problems, give us two rings
37:08I mean, I won't actually answer the phone because, you know, it costs money
37:11But I'll be straight up them stairs
37:13Well, not the stairs, the lift
37:15But you know what I mean
37:24Bless
37:27Bless
37:36Pfft
37:46The auction house has been informed
37:48New papers will be available in your name tomorrow morning
37:53Mrs Harvey, if we ever do business together again, watch out
37:58Next time, Mr Wu gonna win
38:01Bring it on
38:03It's true what they say
38:05When you finish one Chinese, it's never too long before you're hungry for another
38:24If anybody asks, you haven't seen me
38:27Who said that?
38:28Very funny
38:30Pfft
38:36Mate, are you sure you're safe?
38:38Yeah, man
38:40I can't keep going outside every time I gotta drop the F-bomb
38:43I'm gonna be cream cracker'd
38:45I can't believe you're still blowing off
38:47How long's it usually last?
38:49I don't know
38:50Last time I had alcohol was on my sister's 18th birthday
38:53About 20 of us packed into one of those little karaoke booths
38:57Oh my God
38:58Yeah
38:59I just felt sorry for the waitress that found us all
39:02Lying there
39:09I feel terrible
39:10I told me dad we'd be in net tubes
39:12And if you need anything, Rob's got your mobile, stop worrying
39:15What if he can't get through?
39:17I've got my phone
39:18I nearly forgot to say, your father's coming to live with us
39:20Can we just enjoy the time we've got?
39:26Are you still following us?
39:30Two, three, four, five, six
39:33Up the ladder
39:35Lucky five to win
39:38Do you mind? Other people have to touch that
39:42Not any more they don't
39:44One, two, three, four, five
39:46Championies, championies
39:49The crowd went wild
39:51Muchos gracias
39:52Muah
39:53Muchos gracias
39:54Muah
39:56Well, that's me
39:58I'm done in
40:00Same time tomorrow night?
40:02I'm afraid not, mother
40:03Another four hour snakes and ladders session
40:05And I fear I may explode with excitement
40:08Yeah, and I'll get my laptop back tomorrow
40:10So as thrilling as it was to hammer you both into the ground
40:13It was a one night stand, ladies
40:15Right, let's get this lot cleared up
40:18No, it's all right, I'll do it
40:20I need to give it a good mop as well
40:22There's more filth in here than in Geoff's hard drive
40:25Ha, ha
40:26Right, well, nighty-nighty
40:30Pyjama, pyjama
40:32Wallace notches
40:34Night
40:46I'm so alone, my love, without you
40:56You're a part of everything I do
41:04When you come back
41:08And you're beside me
41:13These are the words I'll sing to you
41:20Welcome home
41:25Welcome
41:29Come on in
41:32And close the door
41:38Oh, don't worry
41:39He'll show up sooner or later full of regret about what he said
41:42Well, I think he'll arrive sooner
41:45Only looks full of something
41:47But it's not regrets
41:49Right, I just want to say
41:52That I do not give a Chinese shite
41:55That neither of you two have been answering your texts
41:58I mean, my texts
42:00Because I am going to be going
42:05Oh, yeah, Madrid
42:07Yes, I'm going to Madrid to work with Liam
42:11A real friend, a true friend
42:13He's my friend
42:15Just as soon as he answers my texts
42:17To say that it's all right
42:19I am going
42:20I didn't get a text off you
42:22Neither did I
42:23Lies
42:25Kenneth, sit down
42:27Look, every one of my texts
42:32None of them have sent
42:37Must have ran out of credit
42:41Kenneth, Troy's got something to say
42:45Kenneth, I was wrong
42:46Oh, don't you try to wriggle out of it
42:48Because I know what you're trying to do
42:50And it won't work
42:52I would rather be on the street
42:54Prostitute
42:56I think you mean destitute
42:58I know what I mean
43:01What did you say?
43:03I said destitute
43:04No, before that
43:06Oh
43:09Well, I said I was wrong
43:11Kenneth, I'm sorry
43:13I've tried to wade in with my checkbook
43:16And take over the salon
43:18Your salon, blow and go
43:21And that was wrong of me
43:24Your style and character is amazing
43:27And it's something I wouldn't want to change
43:31And I think our friendship is amazing
43:35It's something I wouldn't want to lose
43:38So let's just start afresh tomorrow
43:41New beginning
43:43What do you say?
43:49Same again
43:51Angel eyes
43:53Angel eyes
43:56Sir
43:58I believe congratulations are in order
44:01They certainly are
44:04Between us, we managed to get Mr Wu up to 160,000
44:11Oh, by my calculations, that makes your cut 15,000
44:15Cash tomorrow morning, do you?
44:18Oh, that would be wonderful
44:20I've got to say, when you burst into that office
44:22Even I thought you wanted that house
44:24Well, acting does run in the family
44:27My father was very close to Sir Lawrence Olivier
44:29During his famed production of Richard III
44:32Your father was an actor?
44:34Not an actor
44:36He was Larry's dresser, 1944-45
44:39Not quite so glamorous
44:41I can say that again
44:42Spent most of that season stuffing his hump
44:45Mrs Harry?
44:47Oh, I shouldn't, really
44:49I mean, on duty
44:51All things are worth celebrating
44:56And no hard feelings about losing your dream home
44:59With 15 grand in my pocket, I'm happy to have another dream
45:03Plus, the longer I wait, the cheaper property seems to get here at the moment
45:09Yeah, so I'd heard
45:12I think I might be back here sooner than I thought
45:17Oh, that were gorgeous
45:19Look at this steak
45:21Lean and tasty
45:23Like someone else I know
45:25Sorry, love, what did you say?
45:27Are you all right?
45:28Yeah, yeah, no, I'm fine
45:29Sorry, I was just seeing if me dad had drank
45:31You've been checking your phone all night
45:33Shall we just go back?
45:34What? And ruin our big night out?
45:36No fear
45:38Billy
45:40We both know Eddie does my head in, but
45:43I don't hate him
45:45He's your father
45:47And he's our family
45:48He just looks so frail in bed tonight
45:51He's always been there for me, I don't want to lose him
45:54Come on, let's go back
45:57Yee-haw!
46:04Woo-hoo-hoo!
46:08Yee-haw!
46:10Yee-haw!
46:12Yee-haw!
46:14Yee-haw!
46:19Yee-haw!
46:21Next on ITVB, Kendra's back on top
46:24and visiting her pals in London in the brand new series
46:27Here on ITV, tomorrow night at 8
46:29the celebs ditch the white stuff, it's new sugar-free farm
46:32And this Thursday at 8.30, Tracy kicks Dorian and Sharon out
46:35as Birds of a Feather continues
46:48Woo-hoo!