Benidorm S02 E08 - Episode #2.8

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Transcript
00:00♪
00:10♪
00:20♪
00:30♪
00:38Beautiful night.
00:40Oh, yes.
00:42The drains can catch the back of your throat, but if you're not downwind of them, it's only pleasant.
00:54Just think, this time tomorrow, you'll be Mrs. Mel Harvey.
00:57I'm not changing my first name.
01:00No, no, that's just the way we'll be invited to functions, Mr. and Mrs. Mel Harvey.
01:04Ooh. What functions will we be invited to?
01:08Just you wait, Madge.
01:11Just you wait.
01:13♪
01:39Those are my knees.
01:42Thank God for that.
01:45You all right?
01:46Yeah, I'm fine.
01:50You're not still worrying about your mam, are you?
01:52She's 68 and she's getting married tomorrow.
01:55Yeah, well, she's old enough to know what she's doing.
02:04I hope so.
02:06Talking about being old enough to know what you're doing. Come here.
02:09Hey, hey, hey, don't wake the kids.
02:14Madge, would you mind if I put my arm round you?
02:20No, of course not.
02:28You're a very handsome woman, you do know that, don't you?
02:31Well, I've managed to keep me figure, I suppose.
02:34You've done more than that.
02:37Yeah, that's it.
02:39What the bloody hell?
02:41Who's there? Come on, get on with it. I've only got a bit of tape left.
02:45What the hell do you think you're playing at?
02:46What am I playing at? What about you?
02:49You're the ones on Doggers Beach.
02:51Doggers what?
02:52People having sex in public.
02:55Well, don't tell me you didn't know.
02:58Madge! Mel!
03:01What a lovely surprise seeing you here.
03:04Jesus Christ, I might have known you'd be here.
03:07Hello.
03:08Oh, we've not missed any action, have we?
03:10No, I think the one in the wheelchair's a bit shy.
03:13Oh, you did know this was a dogging beach, didn't you?
03:16We don't even know what dogging is.
03:18Well, it's happening all around you.
03:27Oh, my God.
03:29What am I looking at? I can't see anything.
03:31Well, thank God for that. Your stomach's a bit dicky at the best of times.
03:34Come on, princess. Bloody perverts.
03:37I can hear a squelching noise.
03:40Come on, we're off. Animals, a lot of you.
03:43Oh, dear.
03:45Oh, well, up for a threesome?
03:48Absolutely.
04:02Martin...
04:03No, don't say anything.
04:06Could I...?
04:08No. Seriously.
04:10I know why you left me. It was to get some space.
04:13That's exactly what I'm going to give you.
04:16I'll be by the pool.
04:18But I...
04:19No.
04:20Would it...?
04:21Ah.
04:22Could I...?
04:23Ah.
04:26Have a cup of tea?
04:32How are you feeling?
04:35Rough as a dog's arse.
04:37Yeah, you looked a bit worse for wear
04:40when Chantel brought you home last night.
04:43What time did I get in?
04:45Oh, I can't remember. It was late.
04:48I think she said you'd both been watching telly
04:52in her apartment while her family were out.
04:56I don't remember that bit.
04:58I think watching telly was, um...
05:03What do you call it?
05:05A euphemism.
05:07No.
05:08What do you call it when you want to use another word
05:12for having sex?
05:14I'm going off to lie down.
05:17All right, son.
05:20Here you are. Get your laughing gear round that.
05:25What's that?
05:26Cardian Coke.
05:27It's ten o'clock in the morning.
05:29I know, exactly. Only 15 hours of free drinking left.
05:32Morning, boys.
05:33Oh, morning, Gavin.
05:35How are you feeling?
05:37Have you heard from your mum?
05:39No.
05:40No.
05:41No.
05:42No.
05:43No.
05:44No.
05:45No.
05:46No.
05:47Jacqueline, have you heard from your mum?
05:50Not yet, no.
05:51Aw.
05:52You off to the wedding today?
05:54We hardly had a chance to say hello to her.
05:56Nice day for a wedding, isn't it?
05:58I mean, one minute she's there, next minute she disappeared.
06:01Not a cloud in the sky.
06:03If it were me, I'd be worried I'd said something to offend her.
06:07You know, marching off without even...
06:09Sorry, Jacqueline, can I stop you there?
06:15We had a bit of a run-in with Madge and her gentleman friend on the beach last night.
06:19What, you went on the beach after Neptune's?
06:21Oh, yes, it's quite a tradition in Benidorm.
06:23It's not everybody's cup of tea,
06:25but we always take our video camera down there.
06:28Always something interesting to film, if you know what I mean.
06:32Are you serious?
06:33Oh, yes.
06:34One year, Jacqueline and I got someone to film us
06:37recreating the famous love scene from that movie.
06:40Oh, what is it called?
06:42Free Willy?
06:43No, what was it?
06:45For Me To Eternity.
06:47Bloody hell.
06:49And you say Madge and her boyfriend were down there last night?
06:51Yes, they didn't last long.
06:53Although we did meet a very nice Welsh chap, didn't we?
06:57Oh, yes, he lasted a lot longer.
07:02Toto, I don't think we're in Kansas any more.
07:13Who is it?
07:14It's Mick.
07:15What do you want?
07:17Here comes the bride, six inches wide.
07:21Here comes the vicar wearing women's...
07:24Do you mind?
07:26Yeah, bit of Dutch courage.
07:28What are you doing here?
07:30Well, I just came to say hello, see if you need any help.
07:33Where's Madge?
07:35Downstairs getting her last minute suntan.
07:38And I'll have no wisecracks from you, thank you very much.
07:41Oh, it'll do her good to get a bit of colour.
07:44I'm not sure what colour there is left for her to go, but...
07:49Sorry, sorry, just a joke.
07:52Well, here we are then.
07:55The day of the wedding.
07:58If you've just come up here to state the obvious,
08:00personally, I've got better things to do.
08:02No, no, I just wanted to say, you know,
08:05it's not too late for you to back out.
08:08You've got ten seconds to leave this room.
08:10Don't get me wrong, I don't mean cancel the wedding, just postpone it.
08:14Why would we do that?
08:16Well, Madge has only known you four weeks.
08:18We only met you just over a week ago.
08:20I think we should spend a bit more time to get to know you, that's all.
08:25Sit down.
08:31What do you want to know?
08:33Well, we know you've got a couple of sunbed shops,
08:35but apart from that...
08:38My name is Melvin Churchill Harvey.
08:40I was born and only child in Leeds on Christmas Day 1939.
08:44I opened my first bakery in Kirkstall in 1962.
08:48My only wife died in 1979.
08:50No children.
08:52By 1992, I have 14 sandwich shops,
08:55which I sold for 1.8 million when I retired in 2005.
08:59I opened a sunbed shop in 2006 for something to do.
09:03Six months later, I have five shops,
09:05and I'm currently considering an offer from a multinational fitness club
09:08to buy me out.
09:10What else do you want to know?
09:19What are we doing sitting here?
09:21Eh?
09:23Nattering on like a pair of old women when you...
09:26You should be getting ready for the happiest day of your life.
09:29Which is what I was doing before I was interrupted.
09:31I'm going to leave you now to get on, but...
09:35If you need anything, anything at all,
09:37you'll just give your old son-in-law a shout, yeah?
09:40Very kind, I'm sure.
09:42Three o'clock, on the beach.
09:44That's right. Don't bother coming to get me.
09:46I'll make my own way down there.
09:48All right. I'll see you later, then.
09:53Dad?
10:06Tell, does this look all right for during the day?
10:09Yeah.
10:11You're not even looking.
10:13Trust your nana to get married with ten minutes' notice
10:15when nobody's got anything decent to wear.
10:17Come on, Tell. You need to get changed.
10:20I've told you twice, I'm not wearing that dress.
10:23It's your nana's wedding day.
10:25Her and Mel have bought it for you to wear.
10:27Yeah, well, there's two reasons why I'm not wearing it.
10:29Oh!
10:31Look who I found outside,
10:33tanning her beautiful golden skin in the Mediterranean sun.
10:36The blushing bride herself.
10:38I think he's drunk.
10:40Come on, ma'am, what you playing at? It's two o'clock.
10:43We had to come the long way round.
10:45Didn't want to bump into Mel.
10:47It's bad luck for him to see me before the wedding.
10:49He's marrying you. How much bad luck can one man have?
10:52Oi, that's enough cheek from you.
10:54I've never seen a better suited couple.
10:56I'll be through in a minute, ma'am.
10:58Are you pissed?
11:00Oh, what makes you say that?
11:02You've spent the last 16 years winding my mother up.
11:05Now you're all over.
11:07I have just found out that our future father-in-law
11:10is a multi-millionaire.
11:13You're taking the piss.
11:15Oh, no. Oh, no.
11:17So you can tell your mother that I'll wear the frigging bridesmaid's dress
11:20if it'll make her happy.
11:22Are you going to help me with this dress?
11:24I'm coming, ma'am.
11:26Oh, my God.
11:28Where is my money? Don't call me honey.
11:31Da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da!
11:34Mwah! Mwah!
11:36Ha-ha-ha!
11:50Nobody gets in if they haven't got a wristband.
11:52I don't want to rip her up.
11:54No problem, boss. I'll take care of it.
11:56You've never seen a vicar, have you?
11:58I was going to get here early.
12:00He was Reverend Tim Jewel.
12:02He works in a gay bar in the old town on the weekend.
12:05A local vicar works behind the bar in a crib?
12:08No, no, no. He don't work behind the bar.
12:10He is the drag actor.
12:12Very good.
12:17Mel! Hey, what a spread!
12:20I knew you wouldn't let us down, Dad!
12:22Wristband.
12:26Take it, Pez.
12:28You know who I am.
12:30I took it off cos it was annoying me.
12:32No wristband, no entry.
12:36Come on. Sort the lot of him.
12:38Right.
12:42I might just go in for one glass of champagne.
12:45Would you mind, son?
12:47I'd do love a good wedding.
12:49Oh, thank you, Lord.
12:52Unbelievable!
12:55Unbelievable!
13:04Well, you've got to hand it to them.
13:06They've done it in style.
13:08Lovely, isn't it?
13:10What was your wedding like?
13:12Oddly enough, nowhere near as camp as this.
13:15Excuse me, darling.
13:19My God, I think I might actually love Benidorm.
13:24Tal!
13:26Tal!
13:28Pass me your wristband. I can't get in.
13:30What, so you can get pissed and fall asleep again?
13:33Yeah, I'm sorry about that.
13:35I think I must have had my drink spiked.
13:37I'm actually East Lancashire's real ale drinking champion.
13:40Do you know, it's funny how you champion at all sorts,
13:43but you can't actually do anything.
13:46You're an expert on most subjects,
13:48but you don't really know anything.
13:51I know I was probably crap in bed,
13:54but I don't remember anything.
13:56Which is odd,
13:58cos you're probably East Lancashire's memory champion as well.
14:01I can memorise 60 random objects.
14:03Really? Well, that's fascinating.
14:06And I'll tell you something else interesting, Jeff.
14:09We didn't sleep together.
14:12Just cos I'm a teenage single mum doesn't mean I'm a slag.
14:15Bit like, even though you know all the capitals of the world,
14:18it doesn't make you an interesting person.
14:26Quarter past three.
14:28Don't worry, she'll be here.
14:30Hope she's not had second thoughts.
14:32You're not the only one.
14:49APPLAUSE
14:51No, I'm confused. Can she walk or can't she?
14:54Why walk down the aisle when you can glide?
14:58APPLAUSE
15:00No, I'm confused. Can she walk or can't she?
15:03Why walk down the aisle when you can glide?
15:06APPLAUSE
15:28Dearly beloved...
15:30Jesus, the vicar's got more make-up on than me.
15:33..here on this wonderful sunny afternoon,
15:36and between shows,
15:38to witness the marriage of Mel and Madge.
15:44It is at this time that I would like to say a few words on behalf...
15:48Shall we sit together?
15:50I'm on me own as well.
15:52Oh, yes, OK.
15:54..for performing this gay musical that we call Life.
15:58I heard your wife left you.
16:01I am sorry.
16:03She didn't exactly leave me, she just needed some space.
16:06Oh, I see. Well, I suppose, eh?
16:15Mel and Madge have been lucky enough
16:18to find each other during Life's closing number.
16:21Just push the boat out here, this must have cost him a fortune.
16:24Don't worry, there's plenty more where that came from.
16:27If any one person here present knows of any lawful impediment
16:31to this marriage, then he or she should declare it now.
16:40Janice!
16:43Hey, who's that?
16:46It's your last chance. I've got my car with me, we can go anywhere you want.
16:50Did someone order a taxi?
16:52Jesus Christ!
16:53Was that a lad from last night?
16:55If you won't come with me, just give me one more kiss.
16:57I can't stop thinking about you.
16:59Get rid of him!
17:01Janice! Janice!
17:03One more?
17:04I don't think he's all there.
17:06I think he might have learning difficulties.
17:09He'll have fucking walking difficulties if he comes anywhere near me.
17:13Janice!
17:15Shall we continue?
17:17Yes, let's.
17:19Do you, Madge Delilah Barron,
17:22take Melvin Churchill Harvey as your lawful wedding husband?
17:26What was all that about?
17:28I don't know.
17:29What did he mean, another kiss?
17:31I honestly have no idea.
17:33..to love and to cherish till death do you part?
17:38I do.
17:40Do you, Melvin Churchill Harvey...
17:43Kate, I know I've handled this situation badly,
17:46but people make mistakes.
17:49Martin, I've been to see someone this morning.
17:51A lawyer?
17:53A doctor.
17:54Oh, my God, I knew there was something wrong.
17:56I'm pregnant.
18:00But when did we...?
18:01The night of the arm-wrestling match.
18:03But we were told I couldn't give you a baby.
18:06People make mistakes.
18:13..to love and to cherish
18:16till death do you part?
18:19Yes!
18:27Sorry.
18:33..to love and to cherish till death do us part?
18:39BUZZER
18:42SHE SCREAMS
18:44Oh, my God!
18:46SHE SCREAMS
18:48SHE GROANS
18:50SHE GASPS
18:52Oh, my God!
18:54SHE GASPS
18:57I'm sorry! Are you all right?
19:00SHE SCREAMS
19:04Don't get me out!
19:06Oh, God!
19:08Oh, Mel!
19:11Mel... He said, I do, I heard him.
19:13Hey, that was lucky, wasn't it? Get out of the way, you...
19:15Mel, Mel, can you hear me?
19:17Oh, my God, that's it.
19:19I've lost him.
19:21That big, fat lump tried to kill him the last time.
19:24He's done it now.
19:26Oh, what am I going to do?
19:29His feet are moving.
19:31They are. His feet are moving.
19:34He's not dead. Come on, Dad, you can make it.
19:38Don't go towards the light.
19:40Whatever you do, don't go towards the light.
19:45Come on, Mel, you can do it.
19:47He's alive!
19:49CHEERING
19:52Come on, someone get the vicar. Let's get this wrapped up.
19:55What do you think you're doing? He needs to go to hospital.
19:57Look, I really think he should go to hospital.
19:59This man has waited all his life to meet the woman of his dreams.
20:02Get that vicar here now!
20:05HE GROANS
20:09Read, fast.
20:11Are you a Melvin Churchill Harvey?
20:14Who are you? That's the vicar, Mel.
20:16You've had a bump on the head.
20:18Who are you? Oh, shit.
20:20Mel, Mel, don't panic, it'll all come back to you.
20:22You remember Madge, don't you?
20:24HE GASPS
20:26What's happening? Where am I? This isn't Lithamstown.
20:29He's lost his memory from the bash on the head.
20:32Has anything like this happened before?
20:34Oh, yes, a friend of ours, Gay Derek,
20:37once got concussed by the buckle of a leather harness.
20:40That's right, didn't know his own name for over a month.
20:43And then in a freak accident during an advanced step class,
20:46he managed to kick himself in his own head.
20:48Memory came back, just like that.
20:51Mel, come and sit down for a minute.
20:54Jesus!
20:58Dad!
21:00Christ! What do you think you're playing at?
21:04I was trying to get his memory back.
21:06Oh...
21:11Lock him up and throw away the bloody key!
21:14What are you doing? I was trying to help him!
21:17We're the only family he's got!
21:24Sorry, I didn't mean to cause a scene.
21:26Get that little shit away from my wife!
21:28Janice! Janice!
21:32Janice!
21:34I love you!
21:45Oh, I do love a good wedding.
21:51Down in the land of the Rio Grande
21:54When people are married they always have a dance
21:58The music is grand to a samba band
22:02And people are carried away with such romance
22:06Ole, ole, the wedding samba
22:10Will bring a timid senorita to her feet
22:14And when they play the wedding samba...
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