Category
🎥
Short filmTranscript
00:00This programme contains strong language and adult humour
00:30Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh
00:34Snow is falling
00:36All around me
00:39Oh, flippin' heck
00:41Having fun
00:43It's the season
00:45Love and understanding
00:47Oh, you've got your scarf stuck there
00:50There you are
00:51Oh, thank you
00:52Oh, that's lovely
00:53You're gorgeous, Sam
00:54She's gorgeous
00:55Thank you
00:56Do you not have to do them in a wide fit?
01:00Oh, God, I've left me other bag
01:09Right, where's the complaints desk?
01:10Oh, for God's sake
01:11Can't we just forget it and get on with our holiday?
01:13A pound to have a shit on the plane
01:15And you want me to forget it?
01:16No way, I'm checking this to the top
01:18Just leave it
01:19No, I won't leave it
01:21My bacon back was only 90p this morning
01:23It's cost me 10p more to get rid of it
01:24Do you mind?
01:25Yeah, I do mind
01:26That's why I'm making a complaint
01:28God, where's the desk?
01:29She said it was here
01:30The flights were only cheap
01:31They've got to make money somehow
01:33You're joking, aren't you?
01:34They're raking it in
01:35Did you not see that drinks menu?
01:36£4 for a gin and tonic
01:37When do you drink gin and tonic?
01:39I don't
01:40But I do go to the bog
01:41And it's cost me the grand total of £1 for the pleasure
01:43What were you doing?
01:44You were in there about half an hour
01:46What was I doing?
01:47I was getting my money's worth
01:49Can't we just get on the coach?
01:51We're not getting a coach
01:52Mel's sending someone to pick us up
01:54See if you can see a sign with our name on it
01:56Oh my God, what if he's sent a limo?
01:58Go on then
02:02Budget airways, they're taking the piss
02:04Who budgets to spend a pound to have a Tom Tit on the plane?
02:07Oh, will you give over?
02:08You've paid it and it's done with now
02:09Yeah, I know I've paid it, but it's annoyed me
02:11Well, don't worry, you can't tell
02:13What if we'd all wanted to go for one, eh?
02:16What if I'd wanted two?
02:17That's four quid
02:18But what do you want two for?
02:19It's only a two and a half hour flight
02:21No, sorry, they've gone too far this time
02:23There's no way I'm letting this one go
02:25Shame you didn't say that on the plane, you'd have saved yourself a pound
02:31Right, come on
02:34Silent night
02:39Holy night
02:44All is calm
02:49All is peace
03:05Casablanca, Mrs Mel Harvey speaking
03:08Mrs Harvey, I'm at the airport, I can't find your daughter and your son-in-law
03:12Hello? Who is it?
03:14What do you want?
03:15It's Liz, Mel's driver
03:17Oh, it's you, I've told you I can hardly understand a word you're saying
03:21You'll have to speak slowly
03:23You're not in Wales now
03:25I am at the airport and there's no sign of Mick and Janice
03:32What do you mean there's no sign of them?
03:34They sent a text saying they landed half an hour ago
03:38English couple in their early forties with a little blonde lad
03:42You made a sign, didn't you?
03:44Yeah, yeah, yeah, I've got a sign
03:47Oh, I think I've got them, just stay there
03:54Well, that was a waste of time
03:56No it wasn't, I've got my complaint form, I'm taking this to the top
03:59Mick, Janice
04:00Yeah
04:01Ah, you're all right Mrs Harvey, I've got them
04:04You should have said they were a mixed race couple, I would have spotted them straight away
04:07I'll see you in a bit
04:09Mixed race?
04:10I'm Liz, Mel's driver
04:12Welcome to paradise
04:13You all right, son?
04:14Yeah
04:15I thought Mel was back from Marrakesh
04:17Yeah, I know, weird business trip, my arse
04:20He'll be sitting in a tent with a dozen belly dancers ripping up his return ticket
04:31OK everyone, bus station is through here and to the left
04:46Thank you
04:49Any spare euros for the nuns of Altea?
04:52Ah, sorry, Church of Scotland
05:00Oh, sorry about that, they had to scan my luggage three times
05:04Honestly, have people never seen a handbag in the shape of a dachshund before?
05:10Car, outside?
05:12Oh, should she?
05:14Thank you
05:16Please, could I have the autograph?
05:18Oh, certainly, who's it for?
05:19Me
05:20Oh, is that a Spanish name?
05:32Salutations
05:36Richard of York gained battle in vain
05:41Are you talking to me?
05:43There was a rainbow this morning
05:46Richard of York gained battle in vain
05:50Red, orange, yellow, green, blue, indigo, violet
05:54Have you lost the person looking after you?
05:57Now, small libation if you please
05:59What?
06:00A quaff of mead, a flagon of grog, a sneaky snifter
06:05I'd like a drink
06:07I think you've had enough already
06:09Ah, the sun is not yet over the Ardarm, so don't let's go mad
06:13What about a tomato juice?
06:15What about it?
06:17Can I have one?
06:18No
06:19What do you mean, no?
06:21No, he's the opposite of Jess
06:23Now, don't try and get smart with me, young man
06:26My father was on nodding terms with Franco, so don't talk to me like I'm a tourist
06:30Oh, there you are
06:32I've been waiting outside the loo for you
06:35I thought you'd fallen in
06:36This is your wife?
06:39Do you marry disgraceful men?
06:41He's not my husband, we're just friends
06:45Hey, listen to me, sonny
06:48I've had my eye on you
06:50For the last 15 minutes, you've contravened at least half a dozen level 3 European hygiene laws
06:57One word to the powers that be, you'll be mopping floors at Alicante Airport
07:01So, two tomato juices, please
07:04Is everything all right?
07:07Oh, it is now
07:09Oh, I don't believe this
07:12I think I've left my glasses on the system
07:15Can you take this? I won't be long
07:18Oh, get us a couple of sunbeds
07:21Will do
07:23Just checking for the glasses
07:38Right
07:43As you were
07:45No, there's no booking for six couples under the name of Stuart
07:55You must be able to find us somewhere in the system
07:57There can't be many parties of 12 booked in
08:00You're joking, aren't you?
08:01There's that many stag parties booked in here over Christmas
08:04It's beginning to look like an episode of It's a Knockout
08:07Is it all right if we get a drink? I'm starting to gag
08:11I don't do that very often
08:13You can say that again
08:15Oh, hang on, you're not a jazz band, are you?
08:18Jazz band? Middlesbrough Swingers Association?
08:21It's actually Middlesbrough Swingers Association
08:25Thank you, Marvin
08:27Yes, you're quite right, that's us
08:29I knew there had to be some kind of mistake
08:31All right, we've got four triple rooms booked
08:34That's correct
08:35Hang on, four triples? I thought you were six couples
08:38Yes
08:39How come you've got four triples?
08:41Hello, we're a swingers association
08:44Thank you, Marvin
08:46We're on a budget
08:48Budget?
08:49Oh, right
08:50Well, you'll all need to fill a form in and then it's one wrist bandage
08:54What instrument do you play?
08:56Anything they put in front of me
09:12Hey, Lewis Hamilton, that sign on the motorway, 120km an hour,
09:17you do realise that's a limit, not a target?
09:20That was brilliant
09:22There you go, the residence of Mr and Mrs Millharvey, Casablanca
09:26Oh, my God, look at it
09:28It's beautiful
09:29It is, isn't it?
09:30It is
09:31It is
09:32It is
09:33It is
09:34It is
09:35It is
09:36It is
09:37It is
09:38It is
09:39It is
09:40Oh, my God, look at it
09:41No way
09:42Casablanca, how come it's painted orange?
09:45What do you mean?
09:46Well, what does Casablanca mean?
09:48Oh, it's no use asking me, I've never bothered with a lingua
09:57Here we go, home sweet home
10:00Bloody hell
10:02Oh, my God
10:05Right, I'll go and get the rest of the cases
10:07This is really where me nana and Mel live
10:09Oh, yeah, unless Watts' face has got the wrong house
10:13Right, come on then, let's go and have a look
10:18Well, it's definitely Mel's house
10:21You can tell by the understated elegance, just like his car
10:24How come Mel's got so much money?
10:26He's a successful businessman
10:28Yeah, that, and he's got long pockets and short arms
10:31You couldn't get a drink out of him if your gob was on fire
10:35That's my husband you're talking about
10:38Bloody hell, he's the creature from the Black Lagoon
10:42Nanny!
10:43Hey, hey, hey, watch me mask
10:45So what took you so long?
10:47Hiya, Nan
10:48Oh, isn't this lovely?
10:51Les brought us in the Benidorm car, it's a convertible, it's brilliant
10:55You know, Mel's not back yet
10:57I'm running the whole place single-handed
10:59Oh, well, at least you managed to drag yourself out of bed by ten to eleven
11:03I've been up since seven
11:05I've just been in the outdoor jacuzzi
11:07Oh, my God, you've got a jacuzzi?
11:09With the compliments of Mr. Mel Harvey
11:11Well, bring it over here then, instead of standing there like a tit in a trance
11:18What the bloody hell's happened to you?
11:21What do you mean?
11:22What do I mean? He looks fire-damaged
11:25It's the new spray tans at work
11:26Mick tried one out without reading the instructions
11:29It was you what sprayed me, kept asking you if I looked all right
11:32Well, I didn't think it would dry like that
11:34No, and it didn't, it got bloody darker
11:36I went from Gary Wilmot to Sammy Davis Jr. in under half an hour
11:39If you two have come here to argue, you can all piss off back home
11:43I want a nice, quiet Christmas
11:45It's a time for peace, goodwill to all men
11:51Oi! Where the frig do you think you're going?
11:54I want another drink
12:00So when's Mel back then?
12:01Oh, he should have been back two days ago
12:03Well, if you're murdered getting your flight, there's a baggage handler striking, Marrakesh
12:08Lazy bastards
12:10They'll give them a flute and a snake and a basket, they'll beg all day long
12:14He should be ringing soon
12:20Hey, that's better
12:23Bloody hell, I thought we were going to be Arnold Schwarzenegger underneath
12:27I didn't expect the weather to be like this, ma'am
12:30I just thought we'd be outside a couple of days before Christmas
12:33Oh, well, it's unpredictable if you get a cold day and the wind changes direction
12:37You know about it
12:38Yeah, and your face stays like that
12:41It's freezing in there
12:43Oh, well, you won't want to go in again then, will you?
12:47Can I have a go in the Jacuzzi?
12:48No, you can't
12:50Where do you think you are, Alton Towers?
12:52Right, your bags are all in and I've unpacked for you
12:55Here, I hope you don't mind me saying, Janice
12:58That cream floral print skirt is absolutely gorgeous
13:02Oh, thanks
13:04Ah, yeah, but it goes lovely with that plain scoop neck blouse
13:09Right, I'll see you later
13:12Oh, aye
13:13What's with the Geordie knicker sniffer?
13:15He's our odd job, man
13:17Yeah, odd's the right word
13:19You want to keep your eye on that skirt?
13:21If he borrows it, it'll all be stretched to buggery
13:24Borrows it?
13:25Oh, Lev!
13:28Mrs Robin
13:29Was that singer all right on the Solana?
13:31What singer's this?
13:32I don't know, somebody Mel's booked for the Benidorm Palace Christmas show
13:35I've never heard of her
13:37You did pick her up, didn't you?
13:49Hello, Nick
13:50Yes, everything's great
13:52Turn your mobile off, have a lovely Christmas
13:55and I'll speak to you in the New Year
13:57OK, then, lots of love
13:58Adios
14:01Solana
14:02Muchas gracias
14:20That's one of them there
14:22I want you to keep your eye on them
14:24But what are they doing?
14:25I don't know
14:26But as soon as I find out what it is, I'll have them all out
14:29Excuse me, there's nobody on reception
14:31Yeah, I'm on my way over now
14:33Are you checking in?
14:34No, no, I work for Mel Harvey, proprietor of the Benidorm Palace
14:37Oh, yeah?
14:38How are they doing up there?
14:39Not bad, thanks
14:40But it seems we've lost the star of our Christmas show
14:43We've got her booked in here for three nights, single room, so pull hard
14:47Oh, yeah?
14:48She's fantastic here
14:49Hidey-hi, holey-ho
14:51Aye, champion
14:52Has she checked in?
14:53I saw her in a musical once as well
14:55Brilliant singing voice
14:57Yeah, I know
14:58Is she here?
14:59Now, what was it?
15:00Something about ships
15:02Not Captain Pokewash
15:04I just need to know
15:05Where is the peasant?
15:07Has she arrived yet?
15:08Who?
15:09So, pull hard
15:10Oh, no, I've not seen her
15:11Oh, bollocks
15:14Hey, hey
15:15You are from the Benidorm Palace?
15:17Yeah
15:18You're having talent competition, no?
15:19That's right
15:20Maybe I can dance for you
15:23Flamenco
15:24No, we've got enough singers and dancers
15:26It's novelty acts that we're after, to be honest
15:30Wait, wait, wait
15:41Yes, yes
15:43Wait, I'll have more
15:54Thank you
16:07Yeah, we'll let you know
16:11Excuse me
16:12Hello
16:13Merry Christmas
16:14Merry Christmas
16:15Sorry, did I overhear you saying you work for the Benidorm Palace?
16:17Correct
16:18Then you know Mel?
16:19Mel Harvey
16:20Oh, aye, he's me boss
16:21Just a moment
16:22I'm Les, I'm more or less in charge
16:24How can I help you?
16:25Nice to know you, Les
16:26Well, I'm here with a party of, what you might call, very close friends
16:31And we were wondering if you did any special deals for your Christmas show tomorrow night
16:35You know, bring ten people, get two tickets free, that kind of thing
16:38Yeah, just come up with a box office
16:40I'm sure I can sort something out for you
16:41Splashing
16:42So, Mel and Madge are enjoying living in Benidorm
16:45We're personal friends of theirs
16:47Obviously not that friendly
16:48You'd know that they don't live in Benidorm
16:50They live out here
16:51Oh, that's right, out here, nice place
16:53Oh, aye, crackin' villa, five bedrooms, outdoor jacuzzi, swimming pool
16:57I expect they'll be having a big Christmas lunch
17:00Oh, hey, they're getting the caterers in, man
17:02Really?
17:03They do a Christmas dinner here, but they don't do all the trimmings
17:06And my wife, Jacqueline, loves a good stuffing
17:11Don't we all, mate?
17:14Yeah, I'll best be off
17:15Thanks, Les
17:16I'll get that group booking made
17:18Yeah, you're welcome any time
17:27Well, that was fascinating, wasn't it?
17:32Let's have a sit down
17:34I've seen them demonstrate a juicer before
17:38But it wasn't a patch on this
17:40Who'd have thought there were so many ways to fold a blanket?
17:43My point exactly
17:45I once went on a cruise round the Med with my son before we started coming here
17:51There was a woman doing a talk on folding napkins
17:55Do you know I can now make a swan
17:58giving birth to three cygnets out of one 12-inch hankie?
18:04You're an amazing woman, Doreen
18:07That'll be me
18:12Oh, it's from Geoff
18:14Hope weather is good, raining here
18:18Tell Aunt Coolio, send love
18:22Hope that shifty money-grabbing get
18:25has not tried to jump your bones yet
18:31He has got a good sense of humour
18:34Your son doesn't like me, does he?
18:36Well, he's very protective, especially since the lottery win
18:41All sorts of people came out of the woodwork
18:44And he didn't want you going on holiday with a slippery old charmer
18:48you've only known for five minutes
18:50Oh, no
18:52He didn't say you were charming
18:55I told him you were an old navy pal of his dad's
18:59but he didn't seem to believe it
19:02Ah, well, me and Don, we got into some real scrapes
19:06It's a shame we lost touch
19:08He didn't believe it when I bumped into you after all these years
19:11Do you mean Ron?
19:13Sorry?
19:14You said me and Don got into some real scrapes
19:18Did I?
19:22Must be the heat
19:25And there's us buying blankets
19:30Right, time for a siesta, I think
19:35Are we still on for that show tonight?
19:38Erm, erm...
19:40My treat?
19:41Absolutely
19:58Hola
19:59Oh, hello
20:01Merry Christmas
20:03I've booked a room and booked in for two nights
20:06Certainly. Can I have your passport, please?
20:08Oh, yes
20:14Gracias
20:16Miss Pollock
20:18Pollard
20:21Check-in is not until two o'clock
20:23But in the meantime, we have a room where you can leave your clothes
20:26Oh, brilliant. It's only a small case
20:28I cannot seem to find you on the system
20:30I'm sure that you are hidden in one of my piles
20:35Excuse me
20:36Hello
20:37There's a woman over there with no clothes on
20:39Yes
20:40She's taken all her clothes off
20:43She's completely nude
20:47There's a fella as well
20:49It's all hanging out
20:53I see naked people
20:57So do I
21:03You've got no trousers on
21:05This is usually what you expect from an a-tourist hotel
21:08¿Qué pasa? ¿Dónde está mi dinero?
21:10Oh, God, he's not going to take his clothes off as well, is he?
21:13No, he seemed to think that you have not paid your taxi fare
21:16What do you mean?
21:18Everything's supposed to be paid for
21:20Everything's supposed to be paid for
21:22I've been booked to sing at the Benidorm Palace tomorrow night
21:25The Benidorm Palace?
21:26Yes
21:27You do know that you are in the Solanas Hotel in Murcia, not in Benidorm?
21:31What's the difference?
21:32About 120 kilometres
21:35¡Quiero mi dinero!
21:37Pardon?
21:51There you go, and I'll catch you all later
21:53I'm off to track down Sue Bullard
21:55Right, but don't forget you're taking us into the old town tonight
21:59I need bother, Mrs H, you know you can rely on me
22:01Or it might be Leslie picking you up, but I know you're fine with that
22:05¿Who's Leslie?
22:06Believe me, you don't want to know
22:10If I was out, I'd walk away
22:14I'd look in your eyes, and here's what I'd say
22:17I don't want you, I don't need you
22:21I don't love you anymore
22:24And I'd walk out the door
22:27No, no, no, stop the music
22:30What's your name?
22:31I don't know
22:32I don't know
22:33I don't know
22:34I don't know
22:35I don't know
22:36No, no, no, stop the music
22:38What's your name?
22:40Asa, Asa Elliot
22:42Can you take some constructive criticism?
22:45Sure
22:46You were shite
22:47What are you talking about? He was good
22:49I'm not talking about the singing, I'm talking about the act
22:52Why are you singing old, outdated songs?
22:55Well, that's kind of my act
22:56Well, we don't want it here
22:57This is Mel Harvey's Benidorm Palace
23:00We are at the cutting edge of show business
23:03We need something fresh and vital
23:05Something the kids today are listening to
23:10Number 14
23:15Yeah, we should have known it from the very start
23:18This girl will leave me with a broken heart
23:21I did some people what I'm telling you
23:24I keep away from her all around the zoo, yeah
23:27And I miss her lips and the smile on her face
23:30The touch of my hand and this girl's warm embrace
23:33So if you don't, I'll cry like I do
23:36Yeah, yeah, that's better
23:38You're through to the next round
23:40Yes
23:41Is there another round?
23:43Oh, frigged if I know
23:48Finally, bloody rings
23:50I'm here doing all the donkey work
23:52While he's probably sitting somewhere being fanned by a punk koala
23:57Hello, my angel
24:00We were just talking about you
24:02How is it all going?
24:03What's a punk koala?
24:05Haven't a clue
24:06Oh, it's all going really well
24:07We've got some cracking acts
24:09Have you managed to get a flight?
24:15Oh, sorry about that
24:16I was just rinsing through a pair of tights
24:18I put them on the radiator for the night
24:20No worse than a damp cushion
24:23I'll pass you over
24:25It's Mel, wants to talk about Sue Pollard
24:28Yeah, hello boss
24:30Well, her manager phoned me this morning
24:32To say she got on the plane all right
24:34But we've heard nothing since
24:35She wasn't at arrivals
24:37We've checked the salon
24:39Don't worry, Mr Harvey, I'll track her down
24:45Give it here
24:47So this Sue Pollard, where is she then?
24:50Your guess is as good as mine
24:54Tomorrow, tomorrow
24:56I love you tomorrow
24:58You're only a day away
25:29I think they cannot hear
25:31Because I'm making too much noise
25:33Well done Einstein
25:34What did you do for an encore?
25:36Count to ten
25:42Open this door, now!
25:49I'm sorry, I'm sorry
25:51I'm sorry, I'm sorry
25:53I'm sorry, I'm sorry
25:55I'm sorry, I'm sorry
25:58Yes?
26:00Can I help you?
26:01Can you help us?
26:02Are you taking the piss?
26:04I'm sorry
26:05What are you doing in there?
26:06I fail to see what concern that is of yours
26:09I'll tell you what concern it is of mine
26:11I've got a pensioner on a karaoke downstairs
26:14Been singing Do They Know It's Christmas
26:16For the last 45 minutes
26:18Because every time the light dims
26:19The machinery sets itself
26:28How many people have you got in there?
26:32Donald, somewhere else I'll have to have a go
26:36I can't see properly
26:41That were a smashing night out
26:44Who'd have thought there was sophisticated cabaret in every bar?
26:49Sophisticated cabaret?
26:51That last place had an inflatable Pavrotti
26:54Pavrotti singing Nessun Dorma over the ten-foot penis
26:57Reminded me of my Ron
27:00He had a good pair of lungs on him
27:04Noreen
27:07Do you believe in destiny?
27:09How do you mean?
27:11Do you believe we all end up with the right person?
27:14Oh, I don't know
27:17I never had much choice
27:20There was only Ron who asked to marry me
27:24Actually, I tell a lie
27:26There was another
27:28It were 1959
27:31And me and my twin sister Doreen used to go to a dance every Friday night
27:38Funny little fella in a bow tie
27:41Used to come up to me every week and say
27:45You are the most beautiful woman I've ever clapped eyes on
27:50Four weeks on the trot he did that
27:53Just came up to me and said the same thing
27:57I suppose nowadays you'd get a restraining order on someone like that
28:04But in them days we led a more simple life
28:08I just got a friend of me dad's to break his legs
28:16Whoa!
28:22Don't just lie there, get off me
28:26I can't move, thanks a lot
28:39This is not what you think
28:46Oh, dear
28:56You are Mr Michelle Clive and Mrs Norman Mulvey
29:01No, the surname is Mitchell, first name Clive
29:05And I'm Noreen, not Norman
29:08Er, please, Michelle, Norman
29:12Norman, you are seriously charged
29:15And I nominate you to only speak when you are speaking to
29:25You are charged with entering on the beach
29:27Which has a fine of 750 euros
29:30750 euros? We haven't got that kind of money
29:35As you are both senior service
29:37We are willing to look up you both with Clementine
29:40And we'll charge you 150 euros
29:43For the miniature offence of playing ball games outside the desecrated area
29:47Oh, just a minute, I'll be
29:51This is our final price, you can leave it or take it
29:54We'll take it
29:56Thank you
30:26Frank and Bing on the stereo
30:30Songs that we love to hear
30:33At this wonderful time of the year
30:37Colourful stockings by the fire
30:41Candles all aglow
30:44A time of peace, your heart's desire
30:48Like Christmas this long ago
30:52A happy smile, a time for joy
30:55For each child, each girl and boy
30:59A gift that brings so much cheer
31:02At this wonderful time of the year
31:10We'll put Mel's presents under the tree
31:12He can have them when he gets back
31:14What time's his flight?
31:15He said he'd be back for his Christmas dinner
31:17And Mel Harvey's word is his bond
31:19There can't be that many flights on Christmas Day
31:21Right, let's get this lot cleared up
31:24We don't want the place a mess when he does get back
31:27Michael, you going to help me start on the veg?
31:29I don't like veggies at all
31:30I'm not asking you to eat them, I'm asking you to peel them
31:32No need for that, we've got the caterers coming in half an hour
31:35The caterers on Christmas Day?
31:37Of course, Mel doesn't like me doing too much
31:40Hey, you want to be careful
31:41I heard you had to squeeze your own toothpaste out your tube this morning
31:44Hey, we're having no arguing, not on Christmas Day
31:47Mrs. Harvey, if you'd like to step outside, your present from Mr. Harvey's arrived
31:51What present?
31:53What are you talking about?
31:58Shall I do the honours, Mrs. Yitch?
32:02Ta-da!
32:04What's he bought her an invalid car for?
32:06It's not an invalid car
32:10It's brilliant, Dad, can I have one?
32:12No, you can't
32:14I thought you'd like it, Mum
32:16It's lovely
32:17I thought Mel was going to be sitting in it
32:19I thought that was going to be the surprise
32:21It's an electric vehicle
32:23Too small to be classed as a car, so you don't need a licence
32:27What, so she drives all around the house in her wheelchair, then comes out here and gets into this?
32:31Brilliant
32:32What's he going to do for her birthday, get her legs chopped off?
32:37Right then, I'll be off then, Mrs. Yitch
32:39Yeah, Merry Christmas
32:41Merry Christmas
32:42Are you going anywhere nice for your Christmas dinner?
32:44Well, er...
32:46No, no, I was going to see what was open in Benidorm, like...
32:51I haven't got any family here in Spain
32:53Oh, why don't you stay here?
32:55Well, er...
32:56Mum!
32:57What?
32:58Les hasn't got anywhere to have Christmas dinner
32:59Yeah, I heard him
33:00Well, he can have it here, can't he?
33:06Mum!
33:07What?
33:08Oh, for God's sake
33:09Les, do you want to stay here and have your Christmas dinner with us?
33:12Well, I don't want to impose
33:14There you go, don't want to impose
33:16If you're offering
33:17Yeah, we are, aren't we, Mum?
33:18Are we?
33:19Yes, it's Christmas
33:21The more the merrier
33:26That'll be me
33:28Oh, look!
33:30What the frig do you want?
33:32Hello there, Merry Christmas
33:35Madge, how are you?
33:38It's Mick, isn't it?
33:40You all right?
33:41What you doing here?
33:42We're guests of Les
33:44Bumped into him in the Solana, didn't we?
33:46He said to drop by any time
33:49I think there might have been a bit of confusion
33:51I was actually talking about the Benidorm policy
33:53and I didn't mean to...
33:54That's all right, we're coming there tonight as well
33:56What a fabulous place!
34:04Oh, well, as Johnny said
34:07The more the merrier
34:13Oh, he's won it again!
34:22Did you get anything, Michael, from your cracker?
34:24Mine's because they're sweet
34:25Just a pen?
34:26What a load of shit
34:28I could write school there
34:31Oh!
34:32For a good one
34:34Try ringing him again, Mum
34:36He said he'd be back for his Christmas dinner
34:39I don't know what's going on
34:41Well, can't we just start without him?
34:42I'm bloody starving
34:43Stop it
34:44What?
34:48Right, right!
34:51If I could have your attention, please
34:55I think we should say grace
34:57Grace? Bloody hell
34:58Watch out for the bolt of lightning
35:00And what's that supposed to mean?
35:01Well, it's a bit hypocritical
35:03When was the last time you went to church?
35:04What's that got to do with it?
35:05Oh, Donald used to be a lay preacher in the 70s
35:08if you'd like him to do it
35:10Oh, Jesus Christ, I've heard it all, Malcolm
35:13Oh, do you mind? Blaspheming at the table
35:15When did you turn into the Archbishop of Canterbury?
35:17Don't listen to him, ma'am
35:18If you want to say a prayer before we eat, you go ahead
35:21Yeah, come on, Mrs H
35:22Want me to turn the music off for you?
35:24Oh, no, no, no
35:25Forget it
35:26He's spoilt the moment now, frig the lot of you
35:29There you go, spoken like a true Christian
35:31I would like to say how lovely it is
35:33to have wonderful family and friends here on such a special day
35:37Friends? Two of them weren't invited
35:39The other one works for your mother
35:41I think you'll find we've cleared up that little misunderstanding
35:44Oh, misunderstanding? You just went to Christmas dinner
35:47I know you two
35:48You'd have a poke in the eye if you thought it were free
35:50All right, that's enough
35:51What's wrong with you?
35:52Well, she started it
35:53No, I didn't
35:54It's Christmas Day, peace on earth
35:56You don't have to be Christian to want a bit of that
35:59Who the bloody hell's that?
36:01Oh, come on
36:03It's Mel
36:04Oh, give it here
36:05Hang on
36:06Hiya, Mel, what's going on?
36:07I don't even care if they've got a champagne reception
36:10The way they've treated me is totally unacceptable
36:13I'm fed up
36:14Right, which one of you is Mel Harvey?
36:18Oh, Christ
36:19No, no, no, everything's all right, Mel
36:22I'm just moving to another room so you can hear me
36:24He's not here, he's away on business
36:26So we've been looking everywhere for you, where have you been?
36:29Where have I been?
36:30I have been stuck in a nudist colony
36:33singing show tunes to saggy 60-year-olds
36:36trying to raise the money to get back here
36:38Well, look who it is
36:40We meet again
36:41I beg your pardon?
36:42You've got some cheek coming in here
36:44I might sometimes forgive, but by God, I never forget
36:48Why didn't you just phone us?
36:50I didn't have your number
36:51Anyway, I wouldn't have needed it
36:53if I'd been taken to the right place from the airport
36:56Oh, yes, it's just one excuse after another, isn't it?
36:59Mother, keep out of it
37:00Mel sent Les to collect you from the airport
37:03but you didn't turn up, did she?
37:05You, you were at the airport
37:07I even spoke to you
37:09I had a sign, man, I kept turning around
37:12A sign? What do you mean, a sign? It's Sue Pollard
37:14I do a lot of dressmaking at home
37:16so I don't get the chance to see much telly
37:18You don't watch much telly?
37:19You're taking the piss out of you?
37:21It's Sue Pollard, hidey-hide
37:22Ho-dee-ho!
37:24Sorry
37:25Oh, believe me, if I'd known it was you coming
37:28I'd have met you at the airport myself
37:30to kick you up the arse and send you packing
37:33Sorry, have we met?
37:34Let's just calm down
37:36She's here now, so there's no problem
37:38Have we met?
37:39Ho-ho, ho-ho, that is a good one
37:42Do you know what she's on about?
37:44Not got a clue, love, but that's nothing new, to be honest
37:46Bradford, Alhambra, 1986
37:49I asked you for your autograph
37:51and you completely ignored me
37:531986? You've got to be joking
37:56Oh, don't try and wriggle out of it, I'd know you anywhere
37:59You might act the clown, but I know what you are
38:02Pig ignorant
38:03I beg your pardon?
38:05Well, you can piss off
38:07You're about as funny as Eric
38:09We wouldn't have you on our show
38:11if you were the last act in Benidorm
38:13Good
38:16Because after the flipping nightmare you've given me
38:19I'll be getting you equity blacklisted
38:22You won't even be able to book a pub singer
38:24You'll be out of business before the new year
38:27Can't just leave without you having got a show
38:29You should have thought of that before
38:31Nelly the Elephant remembered something
38:33that didn't happen 25 years ago
38:36Get out of my house!
38:41With pleasure!
38:45Help you choke on your next bed!
38:49For God's sake, Mother, what's come over you?
38:52I knew she wouldn't remember me
38:54Mother, it was 25 years ago
38:56Rude, vile pig
38:58and a bloody menace to society
39:00That's a bit over the top, isn't it?
39:02Oh, you think so, do you?
39:03You want to thank God she didn't bring that bloody emu with her as well
39:06Emu?
39:08I'll never forgive her for what she did to that Michael Parkinson
39:11He didn't see the funny side of it either
39:14Mother, that was Rod Hull
39:17He what?
39:18Oh, dear
39:20The one with the emu
39:21It was Rod Hull
39:23He's a fella
39:24That one with the puppet?
39:25Yeah
39:26Rod Hull and emu
39:31Oh, yeah
39:32Course it was
39:34Who was that then?
39:36That was the star of our Christmas show
39:39Mr Harvey isn't going to be very happy
39:41Where's Mel? I want to speak to him
39:44He had to go. He'll call later
39:46What's going on?
39:48Is he coming home?
39:49He's going to call back
39:53What's going on?
39:54I'll tell you later
39:55May we make a suggestion?
39:58We have a friend who has a holiday home in nearby Marseille
40:01He tends to shy away from publicity when he's not working
40:05But I could check and see if he's here for Christmas
40:08We know all about your friends
40:10This is sophisticated cabaret
40:13We don't want some bollock-naked nutter singing ding-dong merrily on high
40:17Oh, no, he's very good
40:19He's even been on Top of the Pops
40:22Top of the Pops, you say?
40:24Oh, yes
40:27Mmm
40:32Everybody loves somebody
40:36Sometime
40:39Everybody falls in love somehow
40:45Something in your kiss
40:48Just told me
40:51By some time
40:54It's now
40:56Why don't you just tell her he'd been taken into hospital there?
40:59At least she'd know where he was
41:01He didn't want to panic her
41:03And he still doesn't
41:05How long's he been there?
41:07Three days
41:09Oh, my God
41:10Look, Mel says it's not as bad as the doctors are making out
41:13Reckons he's going to be home this time tomorrow
41:15And what if he's not?
41:18Then we'll go to him
41:24Mother?
41:26How do you think the show's going?
41:28It's brilliant
41:30Just relax
41:32Relax? How can I relax?
41:34Mel should be here
41:36Oh, I tell you
41:38If I find out he's been able to get a flight back all this time
41:41and he's just been out there gallivanting, I'll swing for him
41:45Don't be daft
41:46Why would he do that?
41:48That Scottish clown never brought his mate
41:51So that's the end of the show, ruined
41:53Some bloody Christmas, this is
41:56Enjoying the show, son?
41:58Yeah, it's good
41:59Gents are spotless, Mrs Yidge
42:02Hey, you can eat your dinner off that floor
42:04Hey, we was just...
42:09..just saying
42:12Brilliant show
42:14It's not very Christmassy
42:16Ah, well, you see, Sue Pollard was going to do a whole Christmas medley at the end
42:21I'll grab the mate, do a few numbers
42:23No, you're all right
42:24We need someone to stop the show, not just slow it down a bit
42:27Just spoke to our friend, he's on his way
42:30Oh, aye, my husband said that three days ago
42:33If you want someone to fill in until he gets here
42:36I do the odd impression
42:40No, I don't think Hitler's right for this type of crowd
42:42Too many memories
42:43Freddie Starr used to get away with it
42:45Oliver Hardy
42:47Jacqueline and I used to do
42:49On the Trail of the Lonesome Pine parties
42:54If you could find a pair of bowler hats
42:57Yeah, I think I've got a couple in me car
43:00Dickhead
43:13Thank you
43:16Doreen
43:19I have a rather large confession to make
43:22Oh, yes?
43:24I'm not sure how to say this
43:27But I wasn't a friend of your late husband
43:32Well, you'll pardon me if I don't fall off my chair in amazement
43:36I realise it will come as a bit of a shock, but you what?
43:40Of course I know you didn't know me husband
43:43You didn't even get his name right
43:47Thing is, Clive, I've had a lot of male attention since my lottery win
43:53But really, I'm as guilty as you
43:58You see, what I didn't tell people was
44:02Well, it were only £4,000
44:07I haven't really got any money at all
44:10What are you talking about?
44:12I'm not after your money
44:16It's me
44:18The funny little bloke with the bow tie
44:21Rivington Dancehall
44:23You what?
44:25I don't want your money
44:27I want you
44:29Doreen
44:31I waited 50 years to say this again
44:35I think you're the most beautiful woman I have ever clapped eyes on
44:41Marry me?
44:44Huh?
45:01Come in! Try it again! Try it again!
45:13Thank you
45:19Mother, that was amazing
45:21I didn't feel a thing
45:24And now, ladies and gentlemen
45:26Senors and Senoritas
45:28Mel Harvey's Bellarmine Palace is proud to present
45:32The star of our show
45:38Brilliant
45:41We're finished
45:42Looks like we're going to need them bowler hats after all
45:44Sod the bowler hats
45:46This is supposed to be a Christmas show
45:56Oh my God, look who it is!
46:00It's Cat Leto!
46:03It's Gungo!
46:06It's Roy Lodge!
46:09Roy Lodge!
46:12Roy Lodge!
46:35Hello?
46:37Yeah
46:39Yeah, this is here, yeah
46:41I just, uh, you have to speak up a bit, love
46:45Yeah, I, I was showing you off Mick Darby
46:49Yeah, Mick Darby
46:56Oh, Jesus
47:00Yeah
47:03Yeah
47:06Uh, yeah
47:08Yeah, I'm with her now
47:10Yeah, I can't really speak at the moment
47:17Alright, what do you want us to do?
47:22Okay
47:27Yeah
47:31Okay, thank you
47:35Oh
48:05Let the bells ring out for Christmas
48:12Okay, you lot, take it!
48:16Well, I wear a shaker with Christmas every day
48:21Christmas day
48:23Until the kids start singing and the band begins to play
48:28I wear a shaker with Christmas every day
48:34So let the bells ring out for Christmas
48:42Why don't you give your love for Christmas?
48:57Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh
49:05Sleigh bells and winter snow
49:26Shake the reins, off we go
49:30Come on, Michael, let's get a present
49:33Beneath the starry sky
49:37Glovers and mistletoe
49:41Snow on Christmas day
49:44Snow on Christmas day
49:47Comes dressed in glowing white
49:53It's sleigh bells and winter snow tonight
50:00Oh, oh, oh, oh
50:05It's a wonderful time for you
50:09They'll be coming from far and near
50:13Maybe Santa could stay for supper while he's here
50:19This year, reindeer and golden dreams
50:25Flying high, so it seems
50:29They all help to make the season bright
50:37With sleigh bells and winter snow tonight
50:57It's a wonderful moonlight party
51:01They'll be coming from far and near
51:05Maybe Santa could stay for supper while he's here
51:11This year, reindeer and golden dreams
51:17Flying high, so it seems
51:21They all help to make the season bright
51:29With sleigh bells and winter snow tonight