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Short filmTranscript
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00:31It just isn't good enough, Monty. It really isn't.
00:34How many times do I have to say I'm sorry?
00:37I mean, I've experienced some bad performances in my time, but...
00:40...last night really took the biscuit.
00:42Hey, now, steady on, Mrs. Temple Savage.
00:45I'm Mr. Everyfella now and again.
00:47You shouting about it probably isn't going to help, Mothers.
00:50She was talking about the magic act I booked.
00:53Oh, really, Joyce, do we have to do this in front of the staff?
00:57Of course not, Monty. If you'd like to follow me through to my office...
01:00...I should continue to harangue you in private.
01:04I don't think that will be necessary.
01:07I believe you've made your feelings on the matter quite clear.
01:10You therefore leave me with no choice.
01:12For the sake of this relationship...
01:14...I hereby resign my post as Executive Entertainment Manager.
01:18Executive? And where did you get executive from?
01:21I thought that's what we'd agreed.
01:23Just...
01:26Well, whatever I am, I quit.
01:29You can book your own acts from now on.
01:37Love's young dream.
01:39HE CHUCKLES
01:48There you are. I tried to wake you up this morning, but you were dead to the world.
01:52What time did you get in last night?
01:53Can't remember.
01:54Did you manage to shake off your semen?
01:57What?
01:58She means that Russian sailor that was chasing you all around Neptune's last night.
02:01Last time we saw you, you were hiding under the table.
02:05Next minute, you were gone.
02:07Yeah, well, I slipped into the lavvy to do a bunk out the window, didn't I?
02:11I'm not going to lie to you, Liam. It wasn't the most dignified of break-ups.
02:15Well, at least it's done.
02:17Not good to drag these things out.
02:20Quick and brutal, that's the way.
02:23Like pulling off a plaster.
02:25Oh, which reminds me.
02:27Mrs Barkley's coming back this morning...
02:30...for a bit of downstairs refurbishment.
02:33Oh, no.
02:34Not that big, fat ginger one that was here last Tuesday.
02:37That's...
02:38Oh, no. I wouldn't go down there again.
02:40Not without encompassing some Kendall Mint cake.
02:42Well, you're going to have to.
02:43Cos she's booked in.
02:45And I'm popping off to the old town for that antiques fair.
02:49I told you that yesterday.
02:51See you later, boys.
02:54Oh!
02:55I told you this would happen as soon as she took over, didn't I?
02:58Using her seniority to make sure we get all the crappy jobs.
03:00To be fair, isn't that what you do to me all the time?
03:04Morning.
03:05I'm just nipping out for a fat break.
03:06What? Wait! Kenneth!
03:11Ken...
03:14OK. They're coming. Just...
03:16Nobody say anything.
03:18The silent treatment. Good idea.
03:21What? No, no, not the silent treatment.
03:24Make your mind up, son.
03:25Do you want us to sell or not?
03:27Yes. I mean, no. I mean...
03:29Look, shut up. They're here.
03:32Morning, love. Did you sleep well?
03:34I don't think we're supposed to talk to him.
03:36What? No, no, no, no.
03:38That's not what I said. I never said that.
03:40Oh, forget it. Come on.
03:42Rob.
03:44Nice going, Dad.
03:45How is that my fault?
03:48I don't understand rules.
03:50There aren't any rules, Eddie. It's not a game.
03:53Oh, yes, it is.
03:54And by my reckoning, she's four nil up already.
04:02Oh!
04:09Sorry to keep you waiting. What can I do for you, pal?
04:12I'm looking for Les Conroy.
04:14Never heard of him. Think you've got the wrong place.
04:17Nobody here that name.
04:18Hola. What are you wanting with Les?
04:20Nothing. I have a package he needs to sign for.
04:25Oh, that'll pay me new heels.
04:28I am Les. Not really. Oopsie.
04:32Les.
04:34Oops.
04:39You cannot keep doing this.
04:41Jumping outside with your skin every time someone is asking for you.
04:44Hey, I'm a fugitive from the law, you know.
04:47You did not pay your taxes. You are not Carlos the jackass.
04:50And I'm sure the British police are having better things to worry about than you.
04:59No, of course I didn't plan it this way.
05:02I didn't even know the grandkids were coming this week.
05:04You think I want to miss that?
05:07Well, that is very cynical of you.
05:11Now, I don't know how long we'll be. This is a very big investigation.
05:15Not only that, it's probably my last real chance of promotion.
05:20Yes, I know. I'm retiring next year, light of my life.
05:24Hence my use of the phrase, last chance.
05:28I'll keep on telling you, this is an investigation. It is not a holiday.
05:33I didn't have any mint choc chip.
05:35So did you, lemon shirt.
05:38Is that Marnie? Hello? Marnie!
05:42Hello, Arnie? I think I'm oozing Ignal. Hello?
05:49Right. Let's have one last look at this file before we head down there.
05:55This is not lemon sherbet. This is coconut.
06:00Sorry.
06:18Alfred, get a room, would you?
06:20I've already got a room. It's 217, right next to yours.
06:23Trust me, I am well aware of that.
06:25I thought your headboard was going to come through the wall last night.
06:34I'm getting back in the water.
06:42Oh, this is stupid. One of us should go and talk to them.
06:45I'll go. I'll go.
06:46Sit down.
06:49On second thoughts, maybe it's better to let them come to us.
06:51And when they do, we are going to be nice, OK?
06:54If we keep on like this, we're going to drive them closer together.
06:57It's always the same. Remember when I first started seeing Billy?
07:00Oh, Mum didn't approve of you dating the bad boy, eh?
07:05Yeah, right. That was it.
07:17Hiya!
07:19Oh, what happened?
07:21What do you think's happened? Mrs Barclay. The horror.
07:24Oh, well, I've got something that'll cheer him up.
07:27I bought you both a present.
07:29What sort of present?
07:32What's she talking about?
07:34I dread to think.
07:35Here we go.
07:37Now, where should I stick it?
07:43I got it at the antiques fair.
07:46And that's not all I got.
07:51Oh, they're great.
07:53People are going to be queuing up round the block.
07:57For what? Techno shots?
07:58No!
08:00For a classic 1940s shave and haircut.
08:04Oh, and I'm going to make a sign to put in the window.
08:13Kenneth? What?
08:15Is that blood?
08:17No, of course it's not. It's probably just...
08:19It's probably just...
08:21Actually, yeah, I'm pretty sure that's blood.
08:46Excuse me, are they serving yet, or am I too...
08:50Oh, my God!
08:52Get off my grass!
08:54Sorry?
08:55It's you, isn't it, from that game show?
08:57Get off my grass!
08:59Sorry, I don't know what you're talking about.
09:01Oh, apologies. I thought you were someone else.
09:03HE LAUGHS
09:05Who loves you?
09:07Of course it's me. Who else would have this ugly mug, eh?
09:10I'd offer you a selfie, but it'd probably crack my lens.
09:12Well, I...
09:13Well, seen as you insist...
09:15Come on, then, where's your phone?
09:17Oh, look what I found here. Oh, what's this?
09:19There was me thinking you were pleased to see me.
09:21Oh, look, here we go. That's a nice big one, isn't it?
09:23Right, OK, here we go. Let's get this all out of the way.
09:25Get off my grass. Ready? After three. One, two, three.
09:27Get off my grass!
09:29There you go. Something to tell your friends at home.
09:31That's all for you. Lovely. And that's ten euros, please.
09:33Sorry?
09:34Well, listen, I've obviously got a charge.
09:36I was to be here all day doing pictures with...
09:38Selfies with Sammy, so it's ten euros.
09:40You know what it's like.
09:42I was a big fan of yours back in the day.
09:44What brings you all this way to Benidorm?
09:46Me? Oh, it's, er...
09:48Well, I've got a little villa out here, haven't I, in Benidorm?
09:50And I like to get out every couple of months of the year.
09:52Get out of the UK, get away from the papery artsy.
09:55So you're still in the business, then?
09:57Yes, well, of course I'm still in the business.
10:00What, you think cos I'm not on television?
10:02What, I'm dried up?
10:03Sorry, I wasn't suggesting.
10:05Wait, wait, wait! Let me tell you something.
10:07I, Sammy Valentino, choose not to do television, all right?
10:11I get offers all the time.
10:12They say, Sammy, you'd be great for this, you'd be perfect in that.
10:14And I say, is it in front of a live audience?
10:16Is it a live TV show? No, then forget about it.
10:19Because I am an all-round entertainer, I'm a gag merchant,
10:21I'm a singer, I'm a dancer, I'm a storyteller, I'm a people person.
10:24I need crowd interaction.
10:26I don't do scripted and I don't do reality.
10:28Those are my rules.
10:30No, I wasn't implying...
10:33As a matter of fact, I happen to be in the business myself.
10:37Oh, well, listen, if you're a producer,
10:40what I said about those rules, they're not set in stone.
10:42No, no, I'm more on the talent-spotting side of things.
10:46I'm an executive entertainment manager.
10:49You're a manager? Yes.
10:51Yes, I am a manager.
10:54I don't suppose you're currently looking for representation, are you?
10:59I do not believe it. He's kept the same bloody job.
11:02Whoa, whoa, whoa. What are you doing?
11:04Can't you see him? He's just in disguise.
11:07Can't you tell? Of course I can tell.
11:10I've seen photos of Bigfoot more convincing than that.
11:13Now, let's just think about this for a minute, all right?
11:16The department aren't expecting us to make a big deal out of it.
11:20They're expecting us to make a big deal out of it.
11:23Now, let's just think about this for a minute, all right?
11:26The department aren't expecting us to find him on the first day, are they?
11:31I know. They're going to be made up.
11:33No, you're missing the point.
11:36He obviously thinks his Mrs Doubtfire routine is working,
11:39which means he's not going anywhere,
11:41which means we can arrest him any time we like.
11:45You follow? No.
11:47Guinness, they paid for a week's stay in an all-inclusive hotel,
11:51which means free beer, free food, even entertainment, a swimming pool.
11:55Are you really in that much of a hurry to get back home?
12:04Oh, yes.
12:06Yes, yes.
12:08Excuse me, fellas.
12:10You want to check in or what?
12:13Oh, yes, thank you.
12:15Madam.
12:17Clapton and Page, seven nights.
12:20Seven nights.
12:28Robbie, I feel terrible.
12:31Your family are right over there.
12:34I know. I think we should move further.
12:38That's not what I meant.
12:42Robbie, we haven't talked about what happened when...
12:46..when I proposed?
12:48When you didn't answer?
12:50Sid, it's fine. I get it. It was too soon.
12:53I was rushing you.
12:55We've only been together a short while.
12:57It's not that. It's my father.
13:00Where I come from, family is important.
13:03It is to be respected.
13:05Robbie, I love you,
13:07but if I said yes to a man my father had not even met...
13:10The last thing I want to do
13:12is drive a wedge between you and your family.
13:15Nor I yours.
13:36We're not really going to let her do this, are we?
13:39It's precisely what we're going to do.
13:41This is her first big move since taking over the salon,
13:44so we're going to put her back and let her watch it fail.
13:47That way she might think twice
13:49before coming up with any other stupid ideas.
13:51But she might kill someone.
13:53I know we want things to stay the way they are,
13:55but we're not going to let somebody die over it, are we?
13:58Kenneth! What?
14:00No! Of course we're not. It won't come to that.
14:03Worse than that, just lose an ear.
14:05What?
14:08Jacqueline, me and Liam are thinking about popping out for an early lunch.
14:12Oh, yeah.
14:16First aid kit on the counter.
14:19Just FYI.
14:21Come on.
14:30I wonder what they're talking about.
14:32Probably asking how big your house is.
14:35Wondering how many of their two dozen cousins she can squeeze in there.
14:39Liam! All right, everyone, now remember what I said.
14:42Be nice!
14:50Oh, my God, what are you doing?
14:53We're being nice.
14:56That is what we're doing, isn't it, son?
14:58Shut up, Dad.
15:00I can't keep up.
15:02Well, Sid and I were talking and we thought it might be...
15:09..nice if we all had a trip out for lunch.
15:13Maybe into the old town, all of us, together.
15:16Out?
15:18We booked all-inclusive, son.
15:20Your mam and I haven't really bought any money with us.
15:22That's right. They've got no money.
15:28That's OK. It's my trip.
15:31Well, I think that's very sweet of you, Sid.
15:34Isn't it sweet?
15:36Yeah, it's quite lovely.
15:38Oh, come on. Let's go and get changed.
15:50Right, isn't it just there?
15:52Yeah, there we are.
15:56There you go.
15:58Yeah, you won't regret this.
16:00I've just got to head out and talk to my wife,
16:03my business partner, and then I'll give you a call.
16:07I must say, Monty, you're very fortunate to catch me between managers.
16:13Poor Frankie didn't see the train coming.
16:16I thought you said he drowned.
16:19Yeah, well, he did.
16:21It was just a bad day all round, really.
16:24Yeah, well, his loss is our gain.
16:26If you thought you were big in England,
16:28wait till you see what I can do for you out here.
16:31The Spanish skies are the limit, Sammy.
16:34The Spanish skies are the limit.
16:43Get off my grass!
16:45Don't wake the rhino!
16:47No, it's a bonus round.
16:49Oh, yeah. Yeah, right.
16:53Bye.
16:55Hey, coffee break ended ten minutes ago.
16:58Those plates aren't going to wash themselves.
17:01Well, they're just going to have to, sugar tits.
17:04Because I quit!
17:08Sammy Valentino is back, baby!
17:11Whoo!
17:13This is your waistcoat.
17:15Nub it!
17:19Sammy is back!
17:21Oh! Who loves you? Sammy loves you.
17:24Oh, hello, ladies.
17:26Looking for Cinderella?
17:28Only a joke. Come on, get over it!
17:37Yes?
17:41Hello?
17:43Do you want a beer? What?
17:45Oh, no, thanks. Just an orange juice, please.
17:48Sorry, my mind is elsewhere.
17:50That's what happens when you're in a relationship
17:52with the most beautiful woman on earth.
17:54You're not the one dating Sam.
17:56Does she know about this beautiful woman?
17:58What do you mean? Sam is the beautiful woman.
18:00OK, are you sure I cannot get you some alcohol?
18:05What's all this?
18:07Going out in the pool, so I am.
18:09Sick of being the only single bloke here.
18:11Yeah, but now? When will the clubs be open?
18:14Mate, I ain't going to any of the clubs.
18:16I've had enough of running about, chasing a bunch of drunken,
18:19peroxide, mini-skirted, girly girls.
18:22I've decided to set my sights higher.
18:24Someone maybe a little bit older.
18:27Sophisticated, classy.
18:29You know, a real businesswoman type.
18:32Orange juice.
18:34Yeah, maybe you can help.
18:36Reckon you owe me a favour anyway.
18:38Why am I owing you a favour?
18:40Hello? Local Lucy, remember?
18:42This was not my fault.
18:44You were not clear enough about what type of woman you were wanting.
18:47Oh, aye, right, cos I didn't specify not a demented warthog?
18:50That is what I am saying.
18:52I am not the reader of their minds.
18:54Aye, well, you can keep your little black book in your pocket this time.
18:57I just want some local info, that's all.
18:59OK.
19:00So, where might a single bloke go
19:02if he's looking to hook up with a woman
19:04on the more professional side of things?
19:07You are looking for a professional woman?
19:09Yeah. High-class mind.
19:12Oh, yes, my friend.
19:14I know the place.
19:17Keep it quiet.
19:25We really don't have to do this, you know.
19:27After everything they've...
19:29Robbie, they are your family and they're looking out for you.
19:32I understand. It's going to be OK.
19:35It's going to be OK.
19:42Oh!
19:56Bloody hell!
20:05SCREAMS
20:07Oh!
20:13Ken, if I'm worried...
20:15Oh, will you calm down?
20:17I've told you, that scream clearly came from one of the rooms, not our salon.
20:20Have you ever seen Sweeney Todd?
20:22He used to cut people's throats and bake them into pies.
20:24Liam, our jackling can barely boil an egg.
20:27I don't think we need to worry about her making people pasties any time soon.
20:30Now, just relax.
20:32I said relax!
20:35This whole thing is going to be a massive flop.
20:37Her ego will take a bruising
20:39and we never have to worry about her pulling rank again.
20:41Now, lie down.
20:45Dad?
20:47Dad?
20:49Oh!
20:51Oh!
20:53Oh!
20:55Oh, charming!
20:58Oh!
21:00Oh!
21:02Oh!
21:04Dad, what happened?
21:06I don't know, son.
21:08Sudden rush of blood.
21:10Grandad, what the hell? Oh, heck!
21:12He was watching me get undressed.
21:14What?! No, no, no.
21:16Oh, well, I think we all know where that rush of blood went now.
21:20Dad, is this true?
21:22No, it weren't like that, son.
21:25It were an accident.
21:27I only caught a...
21:29glimpse, that's all.
21:31You're lucky I didn't have a stroke.
21:33Oh!
21:35Nice, Grandad.
21:37Real nice.
21:41Take it lunches off, then.
21:47Oh, here he comes, look.
21:49Our ex-executive entertainments manager.
21:52Ex, ex, actually.
21:54Soon to be reappointed.
21:56Since I happened to have recently added
21:58a genuine, bona fide, 24-carat, grade A celebrity
22:02to my client list.
22:04You have? Yes, I have.
22:07This isn't my first rodeo, you know.
22:09Need I remind you that in my earlier years,
22:13I almost signed Topal.
22:15So who is this 24-carat you have signed now?
22:23Madre mía.
22:25I do not fancy him yours much.
22:28Look, this is Sammy Valentino.
22:31Oh, you recognise him, then?
22:33I thought he might be a bit before your time.
22:35Of course she is recognising him.
22:37He was a big... Big cult figure to my generation.
22:40Really? A cult, you say?
22:43Oh, yeah. Complete and utter one.
22:45Wait till I tell Joyce.
22:47Hey, wait up.
22:49You're not planning on just putting him on air, are you?
22:51A star of that quality?
22:53What do you mean?
22:54I mean, you should be thinking bigger.
22:56I'm talking merchandise, franchise rights,
22:58today the Solana, tomorrow the Benidorm Palace,
23:01and then, who knows?
23:03The Albert Hall, Vegas.
23:05Vegas?
23:07What's your cross-platform multimedia strategy for him, then?
23:10You've registered a domain name, right?
23:12Yeah, well, I...
23:14It's all right, it's all right, don't worry.
23:16I've got a few contacts in that area.
23:18We could probably do it for as cheap as...
23:20600 euro?
23:22600?
23:23You'll need to get the expense card off the missus, of course.
23:26But, listen, I wouldn't go into too much detail with her just yet.
23:30She's not quite as clued up on the world of showbiz and technology
23:34as your eye.
23:36I'm not... I'm not sure.
23:38Monty, this could be the big one.
23:41Don't make the same mistake you did all those years ago.
23:45Don't let this one slip through your fingers,
23:47like China in your hand.
23:52I won't.
23:54Don't worry, I won't.
23:56I'll be right back.
24:00What do you think you are doing?
24:02You are knowing fully well this man has been here before.
24:05He's not a celebrity, he's crazy in the head.
24:08I cannot let you go ahead with this.
24:10I'll cut you in 20%.
24:1230%.
24:1325%.
24:1420%.
24:15Deal.
24:52Ah!
25:18It's your wife.
25:19Is it?
25:21What are you answering?
25:23Dennis, we're in the middle of an investigation.
25:26Oh, yeah.
25:30Right.
25:31You think a lot of British criminals hide out here in disguise?
25:35I don't know why.
25:39No reason.
25:42But what exactly did you see?
25:44I've told you, son, she were in a bra and knickers.
25:48But I weren't spying on her.
25:50I know, I know.
25:51I'm just trying to ascertain exactly what it was you saw.
25:56Does it really matter?
25:58My father has been accused of something very serious here, Sharon.
26:01I'm just... I need to get a clear picture in my head.
26:04Yeah, I'll bet you bloody do.
26:05You know what I think?
26:07No-one cares what you think, ma'am.
26:09I think she did it on purpose.
26:11I think she knew your heart couldn't take it.
26:14It's ten little Indians she's trying to bump us off one by one.
26:18Oh, for God's sake.
26:20You can scoff, Sharon,
26:22but I, for one, will be sleeping with my door locked tonight.
26:26Tonight.
26:44So, quite the soiree, isn't it?
26:49Soirees are in the evening.
26:51That's all right.
26:53I'm planning on hanging around.
26:57Do you want to buy me a drink?
26:59Excuse me?
27:01We do.
27:03Actually, I'd like to buy you one.
27:06Would you?
27:07You'd like to buy me a drink at a party that's handing out free drinks?
27:12Absolutely.
27:14I'm Callum.
27:16Caroline.
27:19I order the Coke?
27:21Yes, but you are looking like you are needing this.
27:24You have had a fight with your skinny boyfriend, yes?
27:27No, I haven't.
27:29And he's not skinny.
27:31Robbie's not the problem.
27:33It's his family.
27:34I have seen him with them.
27:35He is what they call a little mummy boy, yes?
27:38No, he just loves them.
27:40And they love him.
27:42It's me they are not so sure about.
27:44And I don't want to make him choose.
27:46If you cannot make this okay with them,
27:49you must set him free.
27:52Move on.
27:53Find someone new.
27:55Perhaps this time a man, not a boy.
27:59You're right.
28:01Again?
28:02I've got to make things okay with them.
28:06Is not what I was saying.
28:11Is not what I was saying.
28:14Driven and determined, you say?
28:16110%, Joyce.
28:18110%.
28:20I apologise for this morning's little tête-à-tête,
28:23but rest assured I am now firmly back in the saddle.
28:29Very well.
28:31Consider yourself unfired.
28:33Well, technically I'll quit.
28:35Sorry?
28:36Nothing.
28:38Here's your entertainment's expense card.
28:41You do realise I check these statements every week?
28:45Anything that comes out will go back in again twofold, Joyce.
28:49My word is my bond.
28:57I won't let you down.
29:01Mmm.
29:09Mmm.
29:21There you go.
29:23Thanks, Leslie.
29:32Leslie, why are all your friends here today?
29:35Hey, no, that's offensive, that is.
29:37Just cos we share a certain kind of lifestyle choice
29:40doesn't automatically mean we all know each other.
29:43All right, Leslie?
29:45Oh, champion painter, you all right, young'un?
29:48I mean, I have nothing against your kind.
29:51I used to think the two Rollies were hilarious
29:54when they dressed up as women.
29:56I just feel there's something going on.
29:58Well, it's nothing to do with me.
30:00They're all going in the salon.
30:02The salon? Oh.
30:05Phew!
30:09Of course, this isn't my usual hotel.
30:12I just rent the room here cos it's central, you know?
30:15Trust me, in my business, I know the importance of discretion.
30:19Would you give us two secs? Oh.
30:24Not too shabby, eh? The lad's still got it.
30:28Well, I've seen worse, I suppose.
30:30Where'd you find her?
30:32Yeah, no offence, I don't think you'll have heard of it.
30:34A little hotel called The Beltoro.
30:36It's kind of upmarket.
30:38The Beltoro, eh?
30:40Yeah, I think I might have heard of it.
30:42Well, you kids have a good night. Don't wait up.
30:46I've got to hand it to him.
30:48He said he was going out to bag a professional
30:50and that's exactly what he did.
30:52Oh, she's a professional, all right.
30:54A real working girl.
30:55Joey, The Beltoro is a hotel
30:57known for providing its rich guests with escorts.
31:00Yeah, I think my dad used to have one of them.
31:04Or was it a Capri?
31:06It's lucky you're good in bed.
31:08Oh, thank you.
31:16What on earth's going on? Oh, hello.
31:19Kenneth, Kenneth, she's not even looking.
31:21I put the call out to a couple of the bars.
31:24Benidorm has got some of the best female impersonators
31:29in the world.
31:31But even out here,
31:33the upper lip line can let them down a bit.
31:40There we go.
31:43Oh, thank you very much.
31:46Business is booming.
31:48I don't care how booming it is.
31:49You turn this place into some sort of a...
31:51Well, a sort of a...
31:53Oh, I say.
31:55It's really very smooth, isn't it?
31:59Room for a little one?
32:01I don't have a problem in that area myself per se,
32:05but, I mean, I suppose just a quick one sober couldn't hurt.
32:29Oh, give over your great lettuce.
32:31You're not going to find an ear.
32:32Like it or not, this whole sodding operation's been a complete success.
32:36There'll be no stopping her now.
32:38She'll be offering walking rhinoplasty next.
32:40I tell you, this is just the beginning.
32:41All right, I'm heading down to Neptune's.
32:44Are you boys coming?
32:46In a bit.
32:52Maybe I'm being a bit silly,
32:54but I can't help thinking you two seem a bit cross about something.
33:00You still don't think I can do it, do you?
33:03Do what, Jacqueline?
33:05Run this place.
33:07Be a good boss.
33:11Is that what today's been about?
33:13You trying to prove something to us?
33:16Prove what exactly?
33:18That I was bringing something to the table.
33:22That I wasn't just a lazy, useless, silent partner.
33:27Oh, Jacqueline, we want you to do nothing.
33:31Kenneth and I like this place the way it is.
33:33We don't want things to change.
33:35You don't?
33:36No, of course not.
33:37A lazy, useless, silent partner is what we've always been looking for.
33:40Oh, that's such a relief.
33:44Cos I think all that wrist action
33:47was starting to bring back my repetitive strain injury.
33:52How about we just call today a one-off special?
33:57Whatever you say.
33:59Feet up.
34:02Boss.
34:11I was there to witness
34:13Candace's inner business
34:15She wants the boys to notice
34:17The rainbows and the ponies
34:19She was educated
34:21Who could not count to ten
34:23There you go, guys.
34:24Lovely.
34:25Cheers.
34:28I think your liquor licence is out of date.
34:32No, it's not.
34:33We just haven't got room to change it.
34:36Were you too late, the old Bill?
34:38No.
34:39What?
34:40Why do you say that?
34:41What are you talking about?
34:42Us.
34:43I'm a dermatologist.
34:44I was only joking.
34:50Dermatologist.
34:52I panicked.
34:59A ring a ring of roses
35:01Whoever gets the closest
35:03She comes and she goes
35:05Right, I'm here.
35:06What is this big surprise you've claimed to have for me?
35:08Well, if I told you that, it wouldn't be a surprise, would it?
35:12Have you done something to your hair?
35:14No.
35:15Well?
35:19I hate this internet thing.
35:21Yours is on the level.
35:22On the level?
35:23Let me ask you.
35:24Have you ever heard of a certain website by the name of...
35:28Facebook?
35:29Facebook?
35:30Yeah.
35:31Yeah, I have.
35:32Yes, I have heard of that.
35:33Well, I've only managed to get him his own personal account.
35:37And that's all.
35:38And that's all.
35:39And that's all.
35:40And that's all.
35:41And that's all.
35:42And that's all.
35:43And that's all.
35:44Personal account?
35:51What's all this about big surprise, then?
35:53Well, Sammy has agreed to celebrate our new partnership
35:57with a special impromptu performance here tonight.
36:01What? He's here? He's in the hotel?
36:03Yes, indeed he is.
36:05I'd better go and check on him, actually.
36:07Not a word to Joyce.
36:10This is no good for Joe.
36:12When Mr Percivice sees who he has got, Joe's little scam will be over.
36:16Yeah? Yeah, well, we'll just see about that.
36:19Monty, wait up!
36:22Monty! Monty!
36:24What are you doing it for?
36:26What are you doing it...
36:38Oh, hold this for a second.
36:42Aw, you gave him a star.
36:44No, I didn't.
36:49One moment! One moment!
36:51Give me a second. Nearly there.
36:55Entree!
36:59Ha-ha-ha! Monty!
37:01Monty, Monty, Monty, Monty, Monty!
37:03I've still got the jacket, look.
37:05The famous jacket, and it still fits!
37:08Mind that scarecrow!
37:10Double money round?
37:12How many rounds did this bloody thing have?
37:15Well, you're on in five. Are you ready?
37:17Oh, ready! I was born ready. And this is...?
37:20Oh, this? This is my personal assistant.
37:22She's also a big fan. Just wanted to say hello.
37:25Of course she is. Hi.
37:27Did we ever, you know, get it on?
37:30No, we didn't.
37:32Right, well, as I say, five minutes, Sammy.
37:35I'll go and prepare this date. Yes, yes, yes!
37:37Let's do this, Monty, let's do this!
37:39So you got everything you need? Yes.
37:41Feeling OK? Feeling good.
37:42Not worried about the cameras? No, not...
37:44Sorry, what cameras?
37:46Oh, there's a British film crew doing one of those
37:48fly-on-the-wall documentaries about the Solana.
37:50They were so excited when I told them you were here.
37:53Said no-one in the UK had seen you for about a year.
37:56Something about a nervous breakdown...
37:58No! No!
38:00No, well, they're wrong, they're bloody wrong.
38:02I didn't have a nervous breakdown live on Sunday,
38:05tea-time, television.
38:06Anyway, I left her, she didn't leave me!
38:08Anyway, what I was doing was, erm, it was experimental.
38:11No, no, no, I know, it's fine.
38:13You know what they're like, these telepeople.
38:15They're after a kind of failed-has-been-freezes-up-again angle.
38:18But we're not going to give it to them, are we?
38:20Monty was telling me you've practised your act every day
38:23for the past decade.
38:24Says it's home to perfection.
38:26Well, I've... I've...
38:27It's the kind, I've not been doing it every day.
38:30Great!
38:31Cos there are 200 people out there
38:33and they're all chanting your name.
38:35I know you can do this, Sammy.
38:39Oh, the cameras are HD, by the way,
38:42so, er, you might want to apply a bit more.
38:48Five, four, three, two, one.
38:57Get off my grass!
38:59HE CHUCKLES
39:24Eddie, I just want to say
39:27sorry I accused your spying on me.
39:29I realise now it was an accident.
39:32Oh.
39:34Well, that's very big of you, lad.
39:38And, Dad, is there something you'd like to say, too?
39:42Oh, I...
39:46Sorry, I saw you tits, love.
39:48Apology accepted.
39:50Shall we, er, hug it out?
39:53Excuse me, I have to get this.
39:58Unbelievable.
40:00Actually unbelievable.
40:07He's gone?
40:09What?
40:10How can he be gone?
40:12I have no idea.
40:14He asked me for a glass of water, I went and fetched one.
40:17I don't know where he is.
40:19It's stage fright, that's all.
40:21Happens to the best of them.
40:23The more professional they are, the worse it can get.
40:25It's fine.
40:27To be honest, we were put in the cart before the horse anyway.
40:30What's that supposed to mean?
40:32It means you don't just re-launch
40:34a star of Sammy Valentino's quality like this.
40:37You need a big campaign first.
40:39Work on building up demand.
40:41And with that in mind, I think if we were to take
40:44a little bit more money out of that expense,
40:46I think if we were to take a little bit more money out of that expense account...
40:49Expense account?!
40:51Do you think Joyce is going to let me keep the card now?
40:54I promised her a big surprise. What am I going to do?
40:57We'll just have to give her one.
40:59I suppose that might distract her for a few minutes.
41:02But then what?
41:04I meant give her a surprise!
41:06What surprise? I haven't got a surprise!
41:17Caroline?
41:19It's nothing personal. I always fall asleep after I...
41:23Caroline?
41:36Papa?
41:40What's wrong?
41:42Nothing.
41:45Mum, will you stop it?
41:47What, are you telling me you don't want to know who she's talking to?
41:50No, I don't.
41:52But I imagine you probably already know, don't you?
41:55So go on then, Miss Marple, enlighten us.
41:58Obvious, isn't it?
42:00A family checking in to see how the plan's going.
42:03You mark my words.
42:05She's achieved stage one,
42:07and now she'll be moving on to stage two.
42:11Stage two.
42:13And what exactly is stage two?
42:15Oh, you had to ask.
42:17Sell us the idea of them, of course.
42:20Some big old sob story.
42:23Oh, I miss them all so much.
42:26You don't know the kind of life they lead over there.
42:30And then, stage three.
42:33Start shipping them over.
42:36You might want to think about getting that garage converted now, Billy.
42:39It's showtime.
42:41Shut up, Rob's coming.
42:48What?
42:50Nothing, love.
42:52Um, Rob.
42:54Can I have a word?
42:56Oh, don't you mind us, flower?
42:58You can say anything you like in front of us.
43:00After all, we're practically family, aren't we?
43:02There's something wrong.
43:04You could say that.
43:06It's my father.
43:08And I am.
43:10He's flying out tomorrow.
43:18Brilliant. Just brilliant.
43:21She's only gone and skipped straight to stage three.
43:35Hello, can I have everybody's attention, please?
43:37I'm sorry to have to cut John Paul off short there,
43:40but we have someone backstage who's very anxious to come out
43:43and give a surprise performance for a very special lady.
43:59Joyce Temple Savage-Staines.
44:02Oh, my God.
44:04We've been husband and wife now for four whole days.
44:07And I just wanted to express to you tonight, in front of everyone,
44:12just how much each and every one of those days has meant to me.
44:18It was a theme she had on a scheme he had
44:22Told in a foreign land
44:27To take life on earth to the second birth
44:30And the man was in combined
44:35It was a flight on the wings of a young girl's dreams
44:39That flew too far away
44:42Mate, I didn't expect to see you down here tonight.
44:45It can't be done already.
44:47Can you?
44:48What? Me? Are you kidding? No, of course not.
44:51I was just getting a second wind, wasn't I?
44:54Thing is, she seems to have vanished.
44:56I thought she might have come down here.
44:58Why would she come down here?
45:00I don't know, but she can't have gone home
45:02She left all her money behind.
45:07Oh, my God, she really was a businesswoman.
45:10Which means she must have thought he was.
45:16Thought he was a what?
45:18To push too far your dreams
45:21A chime in your hand
45:24Oh, for God's sake.
45:26Don't push too hard because
45:28Come on, girls.
45:30You can't help that
45:32You don't know
45:34What you might have said upon yourself
45:41China.
45:42Are you enjoying your surprise?
45:44Give me that.
46:01Well, as their relationship hits the headlines,
46:03could this be the beginning of the end?
46:05Chris and Olivia cracking on is next on ITVB.
46:08And tomorrow, 50 years since his assassination,
46:10Trevor McDonald travels to America's deep south
46:13to discover more about his hero, Martin Luther King.
46:16Tomorrow night at 9.