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Short filmTranscript
00:00Absolutely, Mrs. Hennessey Voss, I'll let her know.
00:30No, this is Leslie. I work mainly on a reception these days.
00:35Oh, about five foot seven, Auburn bob, a certain amount of feminine mystique.
00:42No, not feminine mystique. What I said was feminine mystique.
00:47Never mind. Yes, I'll give her the message. Adios.
00:52Is everything all right, Leslie?
00:53Crystal on the phone wanting to know where Templar Savage is.
00:56Where is she?
00:57She's had to go out to have her hair done.
00:59She was booked into Blowing Gold, but Kenneth has gone haywire again.
01:02Good, in that case I can leave these brochures here on reception
01:05without that whinging old bag chewing my hair off.
01:08Well, you might get away with it, but hey, I'd hurry up if I was you.
01:15Leslie, could you look at my phone for me? It keeps switching itself off.
01:19Not really my strong point, Mrs. Templar Savage.
01:22I've got very fat fingers, which is good for some things.
01:27But rubbish for technology.
01:29I keep missing calls.
01:31No, you've just missed another.
01:33Who?
01:34Mrs. Hennessy Vass has just rang.
01:36You're joking. You didn't say I was out having my hair done, did you?
01:40Oh, now would I land you in it.
01:42Well, what did she want?
01:43She wants you to go on a two-day conference in Barcelona
01:47where she's supposed to make a speech.
01:50Escaping this place with a little two-day jaunt in Barcelona
01:55with the Solana CEO.
01:58I think I could be tempted.
02:01Leslie, will you call Crystal for me and say I'd be delighted to attend?
02:07Nay, bother, Mrs. T.
02:11Stonking bonking trip to Ibiza, 50% off.
02:16Leslie, what's the meaning of this?
02:18I think it means half price.
02:20I know what 50% off means.
02:22Who put these leaflets here?
02:25Oh, as if I have to ask.
02:46Oh, you have got to be taking the piss.
02:50Completely wasted morning.
02:52Hello, it's Jacqueline. I'm not here at the moment.
02:55Please leave a message after the tone.
02:58Jacqueline, why do you never answer your phone?
03:01I'm at Alicante. As you know, your flight's been delayed.
03:04So I'm going to go back to Benny and I'm going to keep my phone switched on.
03:08So text me when you know what's happening.
03:10And if you've left your mobile in that kitchen drawer again, I'll swing for you.
03:14Hello.
03:18Oh, hello.
03:19How much is a taxi to Benidorm?
03:21About 80 euros.
03:23Brilliant.
03:26Oh, oh, excuse me. Excuse me. I'm sorry.
03:31I think there's been a mistake.
03:33When I said a cab to Benidorm was 80 euros, what I meant...
03:35No, don't worry. I know that probably doesn't include toll road or tip.
03:39Call it 100 euros?
03:42If you'd like to follow me, sir.
03:44Great.
03:46Did you have a good flight, sir?
03:47Yeah, yeah, yeah.
03:49So the way I see it, the more people I take out of the all-inclusive loop, the better for you.
03:54What do you mean by all-inclusive loop?
03:56Well, people are away on my trips.
03:58They're not drinking your alcohol and they're not eating your food.
04:02Reducing your customer to staff percentage ratio,
04:05thus lowering your overheads and increasing your profits.
04:11Change your leaflets and I don't have a problem with it.
04:14I don't mind the use of the word stonking.
04:15I'm not the dinosaur you make out.
04:17But I draw the line at bonking.
04:21I bet you do.
04:23I'm sorry?
04:25I said thank you.
04:29Just be careful, lady.
04:31I'm watching you.
04:34Naturally.
04:36Those who can bonk, those who can't watch.
04:42One orange juice.
04:43One orange juice.
04:45Grass to the arse.
04:47Why do you never drink alcohol?
04:49Doesn't really agree with me.
04:51Other British people, they vomit on each other, pee themselves, fall over.
04:54Do you think alcohol agrees with them?
04:56Hiya. It's Tiger, isn't it?
04:58Oh, hey, Mr D.
05:00No, I'm Joey.
05:02Do you want a drink?
05:04No, no, no, not for me. I'm just on my way.
05:06Oh, yeah, go on then. Just a quick one. You're twisting me out.
05:09I'm not twisting anything.
05:10Er, yeah, a bottle of lager, please.
05:16So, bit of a mad one last night?
05:19No, not really.
05:21You know, average.
05:23Right, right.
05:25Cool, cool, cool.
05:27I must say, you handle your ale a lot better than I, Rob.
05:31He's not even up yet.
05:33Ale? Isn't that what they used to drink in, like, olden days?
05:36King Arthur and that?
05:37Hey! I'm not that ancient, you cheeky bugger.
05:42No, that would make me about 700 years old.
05:47You don't look anything like that.
05:49Cheers.
05:55So, er, much fanny in town?
05:59I'm sorry?
06:01Fanny. You know, er, girls in town. Were there many girls in town?
06:04Yeah. Loads.
06:15Right, well, I'll be off.
06:18I'll be back for that.
06:20I'll wait for you if you like.
06:22Yeah, yeah, don't bother yourself.
06:35Oh, yeah, that's brilliant, Kenneth. Thanks so much.
06:39Oh, you're more than welcome, Ryan. Cheers, love.
06:42And, hey, good luck with the proposal tonight.
06:45God, don't.
06:47Do you think I'm crazy?
06:49Crashing my fiancée's girl the other day?
06:51No, she'd be thrilled. What time you meeting her?
06:53Well, she don't know I'm here, so I'm just gonna try and track her down.
06:56How? I thought she knew you were coming, but she just didn't know about the proposal.
07:00No, no, she ain't got a clue I'm here.
07:02You do think I'm crazy, don't you?
07:04Well, if it was me you were going down on one knee in front of, I'd be thrilled, but that's another story.
07:09Hilarious. I try.
07:11Listen, can I pay for my return cab fare now?
07:13I know what I'm like with money, and I don't want to have to get a bus back to the airport.
07:17Bloody Nora. I mean, erm, yeah, yeah, yeah, no, I can confirm that fucking for you right now if you want.
07:23And listen, I also own a hair salon and a hotel in Benidorm,
07:27so if you want a trim before your big night, just swing by the salon and hotel this afternoon.
07:30A hair salon as well as a taxi business?
07:33My God, real life entrepreneur. Can I touch you?
07:36Only if I can choose where.
07:38In fact, if that girlfriend ever kicks you to the curb, you can have me on tap.
07:42To our love.
07:44Cheers, mate.
07:51Bloody hell.
07:59Oh, it's you. What are you playing at?
08:25No, what are you playing at?
08:27Well, I'm having this thing called a holiday.
08:29Did you drink last night?
08:31Well, if you hang on a second, I'll get me a drink diary. I'll write down all my drinks as I buy them.
08:35Do you?
08:37No, of course I don't. What sort of question is that? How much did I drink? We're in Benidorm.
08:41All right, here's another question for you. Who were you out with last night?
08:44This is about Nana Chase?
08:46It might be.
08:48Dad, we bumped into Nana Chase and she was a bit, well, she was Nana Chase.
08:53She was wrecked and flirting with everyone, but not much worse than she usually is.
08:57What time did you all get in?
09:00I came home about four, just as they were all going to that big club and cafe in Benidorm.
09:07Hang on, you left your nan drunk in Benidorm at four in the morning?
09:12Yeah.
09:14Yeah, no, I'd have done the same, to be honest. So, you don't know where she ended up?
09:21What do you mean, where she ended up?
09:24You want fresh towels?
09:26Oh, jeez, thanks.
09:30Morning.
09:32How are you feeling?
09:34Oh, mate, I'm broken. Absolutely broken.
09:37Oh, God, don't make me laugh, me head hurts. What did you end up doing?
09:42Oh, God, I can barely remember.
09:44Well, at least try.
09:46You just said you can't remember.
09:48All right, that's what I'm asking.
09:50All right, that's what I'm asking.
09:53No, don't ask. What's wrong with you? Asking people to remember things. Maybe the lad doesn't want to remember.
10:02Right, I'm going back to bed.
10:05Yeah, lighters.
10:10Listen, son, we all make mistakes.
10:15I'm sorry?
10:16I'm sorry?
10:18Who you, um, what you did last night.
10:23Oh, as I said, it's all a bit of a blur. I remember being in a club, but I don't remember getting home.
10:31Selective amnesia.
10:34What?
10:36It happens to people who've gone through traumatic events in their lives. War veterans, people in car crashes, kids being chased by clowns at circus, that kind of thing.
10:43I used to hate clowns when I was a kid. There's nothing more terrifying than a creepy nutty and scary makeup looming over you.
10:53I'm sure it was just a bad dream. Stay strong, son. Stay strong.
10:58Yeah.
11:10They crackle and pop inside your tum. The price is low, go tell your mum. They're tasty, yummy, they're the tops. The scrummy, honey Kojo Pops.
11:21Brilliant. Absolutely brilliant.
11:24The only reason she didn't get it was a lack of experience.
11:26Lack of experience? I've just paid for her to have a year at bloody state school. How much more experience do they want?
11:34Experience doing television commercials. Well, she got down to the last two, so that proves something, doesn't it?
11:39Ah, that there was somebody better.
11:41Not better, just more experienced.
11:45Where have you been all this time? Bloody hell, you look white as a sheet. Where's our Rob? Is everything all right?
11:52Yeah, yeah. Everything's fine.
11:54Have you got runs? I were a bit loose this morning. It's them Spanish eggs, they don't cook them through.
12:01Hola, amigos.
12:04What the frigging hell does she look like?
12:08Well, here we all are.
12:10Hiya, ma'am. What's going on? You were supposed to be here last night.
12:14Sharon, you look fabulous. Still managing to keep that weight off? Just. I'm very proud of you.
12:21Hiya, Loretta. Do you want to sit down?
12:24Oh, Billy, you're looking tired. Are you managing to get enough sleep?
12:29Probably getting more than you. Sleep, that is.
12:33Eddie.
12:35Loretta.
12:37You're looking... colourful.
12:40I was about to say the same to you.
12:43Don't bother getting up.
12:45I wasn't going to.
12:47Oh, look at Jodie. Does Nana Chase get a kiss?
12:53Jodie, look how she's shot up.
12:57I only saw her about three weeks ago, ma'am.
13:00Look at those long legs. You're going to grow up looking exactly like your Nana.
13:06Oh, actually, I wish I was about to take Jodie to the kids' club.
13:10Come on, love.
13:12She's tired.
13:17Did you want a drink?
13:19Gin and tonic. Don't go mad on the tonic.
13:22Do you want anything, Dad?
13:24I'm all right, son.
13:26Thanks, Bill.
13:28You know, I don't think I've ever seen you this happy.
13:31Here's one.
13:33Thanks, Bill.
13:35You know, you do look very tired.
13:38Loretta, you've been saying that to me for the last 20 years.
13:43Doesn't it ever occur to you that I'm not tired?
13:46This is just how my face looks.
13:48Somebody got out of the wrong side of bed this morning.
13:51I might have got out of the wrong side of bed, but at least it was my bed I got out of.
13:56Always been his problem, that. He can't resist a dig.
13:59I bet it was true, though.
14:01A leopard never changes its spots.
14:03Still the dirty, sex-mad slapper, even at your age.
14:08We don't all curl up and die after 60, Eddie.
14:12Some of us continue to enjoy an exciting, varied sex life.
14:18Just because the last time you saw your cock, Adam were a lad.
14:30Just another minute or so.
14:33Now, Brenda, that bleach is quite strong.
14:36So if it starts to burn your scalp, let me know and I'll give you something to bite onto.
14:41Hey, where have you been?
14:44I have been on my first successful airport run.
14:47That was ages ago. What do you mean successful? Where's Jacqueline?
14:50I wasn't talking about Jacqueline. She's been delayed.
14:53She went with her bag of Haribo at East Midlands.
14:55I picked up a man at Alicante.
14:57Oh, my God.
14:59100 euros.
15:01100 euros? Well, I suppose you should sell while you can. You're not for old markets.
15:04Yeah, exactly.
15:06You cheeky git.
15:08He thought I was a cab.
15:10And it's given me an idea.
15:12Blow and go here in Beauty Salon incorporating B&G cabs.
15:16Troy will never agree to it.
15:18He doesn't have to if he doesn't know about it.
15:20It's Troy's salon.
15:22And he's here often, ten weeks of the year.
15:24What he doesn't know won't hurt him.
15:25You've been on successful airport runs.
15:27You haven't got the time to be running a minicab business.
15:29We'll talk about it later.
15:31In the meantime, according to them smoke signals,
15:34your client appears to be in distress.
15:36What?
15:38Oh, bloody hell.
15:40Oh, Brenda.
15:42Oh, Brenda, come with me.
15:44Come with me.
15:46I'm so sorry.
15:48How do you say, the boss with a big secret?
15:51Oh, yes.
15:53I actually own this hotel.
15:55I'm working here.
15:57How do you say?
15:59Incontinento.
16:01Do you know why I'm disguised as a barman?
16:03Mateo.
16:05Mateo.
16:07Miss Temple-Savage, managers of the Solana and my boss.
16:10How can I help you?
16:12What was that all about?
16:14Hmm?
16:16I have no idea.
16:18Mateo, I need your help.
16:20It's why I'm here.
16:22Crystal Hennessy-Vass has asked me to go to a conference in Barcelona.
16:25Oh, I know what you're going to say.
16:28Do you?
16:30Of course.
16:32You want me to ride the position of manager while you are away.
16:35Exactly. The thing is...
16:37What?
16:39Don't be ridiculous.
16:41No, I thought she wanted me to go with her,
16:43but she wants me to go in her place.
16:45This is not a problem.
16:47The train to Barcelona is quick.
16:49Or maybe you want me to drive you.
16:51You don't understand.
16:52She wants me to give them her speech.
16:55If you let me have the speech, I can give it to them.
16:58No. In Spanish.
17:00Okay. To give a speech in Spanish, you say...
17:03Aquí está el discurso.
17:05It means here is a speech.
17:07No, you idiot.
17:09I have to read out a five-page speech in Spanish.
17:15This is impossible.
17:17You do not speak Spanish.
17:19I know I don't speak Spanish, but...
17:20But what?
17:22Well, when I got this job at the salon, I...
17:27Yes?
17:29I told them I spoke fluent Spanish.
17:34And in five years you have forgotten everything?
17:37No. I lied to them. I've never spoken Spanish.
17:42Okay. There is a way I could help you.
17:46There is?
17:48Of course.
17:50Okay. Go wait for me in the manager's office.
17:52I will be there in five minutes.
17:54Yes, okay.
17:58Told you. Same again?
18:01No, sir. When the brochure says there are no childminders in the hotel,
18:04it means we don't supply them.
18:06The fact your wife is a childminder isn't a problem at all.
18:09Oh, right. Thank you.
18:16Hiya. How's it going?
18:17Yeah. Good, thanks.
18:19Can I help you with anything?
18:21I'm just a bit bored, to be honest.
18:23Well, you have come to the right place.
18:25Have you thought about one of our trips?
18:27No, not really. I think just a chat would do.
18:29Okay. Well, as you know, I'm Sam.
18:33Yeah, I don't know if you remember, but my name's Joey.
18:36I do remember.
18:38Well, what about a chat about some of the free trips we have?
18:42Yeah, cool. I don't want to go on a trip,
18:44but I'm really happy to chat about them.
18:45Cool. So, this is a free trip to the waterfalls of Algar.
18:50This is a free trip to Guadalest.
18:52This is a free trip to the local bullring.
18:54Wow. You've got a lot of free trips.
18:56Yeah. This one's a little bit more exciting.
19:00It's a trip to Ibiza.
19:03A trip to Ibiza?
19:05Oh, my days! Ibiza!
19:08I can't believe you go to Ibiza.
19:10Yeah, we do a trip to Ibiza.
19:12Where is Ibiza?
19:13It's an island in between Spain and Mallorca.
19:16Wow. Where's Mallorca?
19:19It's an island that would be next to Spain
19:21if Ibiza weren't in the way.
19:23Cool. There's a trip.
19:25All the details are on the back of the leaflet.
19:27Next trip's Friday.
19:29Okay. We've got a go on that.
19:32Can you put me and my mate Tiger down for it?
19:34No problem.
19:36I haven't got my cash box with me at the moment,
19:38but we'll sort out the details tonight.
19:40Oh, yeah, of course.
19:41If you just put both your names and room numbers on this list,
19:45that'll confirm your places.
19:47Tiger's going to be so excited.
19:50Ibiza!
19:52Did you want to still chat about some of the other trips?
19:54No way, man. I've got to top up my town, innit?
19:57Ibiza!
20:12Well?
20:14Okay, I have read all of the speech,
20:17and I can say 100% it is definitely in Spanish.
20:20I know it's in Spanish.
20:23I told you it was in Spanish.
20:25Okay, so what is it you want me to do?
20:27I want you to help me learn it.
20:29Okay.
20:31So, first we have,
20:33Good afternoon, men and women.
20:36This is my pleasure...
20:38In Spanish. I've got to read the speech in Spanish.
20:41In Spanish?
20:42Yes!
20:43All five pages?
20:44Yes!
20:50This is not a joke.
20:52My job could be at stake.
20:54Sorry.
20:56Okay.
20:59I have an idea.
21:01Why don't we do it phonetically?
21:04Yes, of course. I was going to suggest we do it phonetically.
21:07Right!
21:11You don't know what phonetically means, do you?
21:14No.
21:16Airport run to Alicante on Thursday.
21:19And where's that from?
21:20Albia.
21:22What time's your flight, love?
21:24Let's have a look.
21:27Liam.
21:28Liam!
21:29What?
21:30Can you do me an acid payment call at two o'clock on Thursday?
21:34Look in the book.
21:36You've got Winnie from Camping Villamar in for a Brazilian blowout.
21:40Well, there's your answer.
21:42Yeah, that's all booked in for you, love.
21:44Put another Cali Beethoven.
21:46Mm-hmm.
21:47All right, we'll see you then.
21:49Bye-bye.
21:51You're getting very peevish about my new business adventure, Liam.
21:55Hmm?
21:56I said you're getting very peevish. Very peevish.
21:58Peevish? What's that supposed to mean?
22:00You just can't bear the fact that I'm an entrepreneur.
22:02Entrepreneur?
22:03You can't even spell it.
22:04Yes, I can.
22:05O-N-T...
22:06Hang on.
22:07O-N-T-R...
22:08Doing illegal airport runs in a clapped-out old banger
22:10with one seatbelt and no road tax does not make you an entrepreneur.
22:13It makes you a criminal.
22:14Wash your mouth out.
22:15That car is a classic.
22:17It just needs a bit of money spending on it,
22:19which I'll be earning doing these airport runs.
22:22Are you listening to me?
22:25Ryan!
22:26What a lovely surprise.
22:27You all right, love?
22:29Look, Kenneth.
22:30Liam, quick, large brandy.
22:33Hang on.
22:35Do you want a drink, Ryan, love?
22:36Yes, please.
22:37Two large brandies.
22:39Oh, go on.
22:40Oh, there, there.
22:43The Auntie Kenneth's here now.
22:51Where's our Robert? Is he still not up?
22:53He had a late night last night.
22:55I know.
22:56I know.
22:57He's still not up.
22:58He had a late night last night.
22:59I know.
23:00I was with him.
23:02What?
23:03I bumped into him with his mates, Tiger and Joey.
23:07Where did you bump into them?
23:09Some club in Benidorm.
23:10You said you didn't come and see us last night
23:12because you got here too late.
23:13I did.
23:14Too late to come and see you,
23:16but not too late to go out dancing,
23:18especially in Benidorm.
23:20Morning.
23:21Afternoon.
23:22Oh, you've finally dragged yourself out of your pit, then.
23:25You've missed half the day.
23:27Rough night, love?
23:29Oh, not as rough as Joey and Tiger.
23:32They didn't get in till half six.
23:34Tiger's convinced he took some ropey old bird home with him,
23:37but he can't remember.
23:40Morning, Nana Chase.
23:42How's your...head?
23:44I don't remember getting any complaints.
23:56Are you not going to see if your friend's all right?
24:00No, I'm not.
24:02It were a good night last night.
24:04Shame you bailed out early.
24:06Looks to me like it were a good job he bailed out early.
24:09See, I've killed that lad.
24:11Oh, can you stop?
24:12Can you please stop talking about it?
24:16Oh, it were a joke.
24:20What?
24:21It were a joke.
24:22I didn't sleep with your friend.
24:24Don't be ridiculous.
24:25He must be half my age.
24:27Try a quarter.
24:28There you go.
24:29Your Nana was joking.
24:31Were you?
24:33Of course I was.
24:35As if I'd do something like that.
24:38I'm sorry.
24:39I'm sorry.
24:40I'm sorry.
24:41I'm sorry.
24:42I'm sorry.
24:43As if I'd do something like that.
24:46How come when he took one look over here, he collapsed?
24:49You weren't looking over here.
24:51Same reason as half the people here are flaked out.
24:54It's boiling hot and he's been out drinking till the early hours.
24:57Right, come on then, Rob.
25:00Go and get us all another drink
25:01and go and check on your friend on the way over.
25:03Oh, I've just sat down.
25:05Just give me five minutes.
25:06Oh, poor love.
25:08Five minutes.
25:10So, you seem to be bearing up all right, Loretta.
25:14What time did you get in last night?
25:16Oh, I don't worry about things like that, Bill.
25:19Maybe if you didn't, you wouldn't look so tired all the time.
25:25It's Billy.
25:27I'm sorry?
25:28My name, as you well know, is Billy.
25:32Not William, not Bill, not Will or Willie.
25:34I was christened Billy.
25:36The fact that I look tired or not is a matter of opinion.
25:39My name, on the other hand, is not.
25:45You were actually christened Bella.
25:51I beg your pardon?
25:54Like she said, I beg your pardon?
25:56Well, when you were born,
25:59your mam had chosen our Terry's name,
26:01so now it were my turn.
26:03And I chose Bella.
26:07I was christened Bella?
26:10Yeah.
26:11You've waited until now to tell me I was christened Bella?
26:15Well, we changed it about a week after it christened me
26:17cos so many people were taking piss.
26:19Oh, I wonder why.
26:22Why did you want to call him Bella, Eddie?
26:24Oh, my God.
26:25Dad, you weren't born a girl, were you?
26:27Shut up and get the drinks, lazy arse.
26:29And this, this, you've got to be joking.
26:32It's not even a girl's name, it's a dog's name, Bella.
26:35Didn't Grandma Hooper have a dog called Bella?
26:37She did.
26:38She always looked tired all the time as well.
26:41The dog, I mean, not Grandma Hooper.
26:43Do you mind telling me, after 40-odd years,
26:45why on earth I was christened Bella?
26:48It were after Bella Lugosi.
26:51You know, Count Dracula.
26:53I've always been a big fan.
26:54Great.
26:55So not only did you give me a girl's name,
26:56you named me after a vampire.
26:58THEY LAUGH
27:01That's right, yeah, all of you take the piss.
27:04Hey, I said get the drinks in.
27:07Sorry.
27:09Sorry.
27:10Oh, Mum.
27:13Say him again, please, love.
27:15Grandad, I'm all right, thanks, son.
27:17I'll have a little brandy, I think.
27:19No problem.
27:24Bella.
27:25Ah, lager, hurry up.
27:31Is that in the ladies' class?
27:34Oh, oh, sorry, sorry, pal, it was an accident.
27:36Sorry.
27:39That's your fault, that is.
27:40My fault?
27:41After something that happened 40-odd years ago.
27:44Shut up, just shut up.
27:48What is happening here?
27:50Does he need the first aid?
27:51No, no, he's fine, mate, he just went a bit dizzy.
27:54Mate, are you OK?
27:56Yeah, yeah, I'm fine, I just...
27:58Whoa, just had a bit of a moment, I think I'm still drunk.
28:02Oh, he needs the hairy dog.
28:04I will bring more beer.
28:05No.
28:06No, absolutely not.
28:09You tried to help someone and they took it up in your face.
28:14So, did you boys get lucky last night?
28:17Oh, no, mate, not a sniff.
28:19But your grandma is hilarious.
28:21I went home about five and left those two dancing the night away.
28:25Which two?
28:26Tiger and your gran.
28:33I think I need some water.
28:35I'll get it. Joey, you want one?
28:37Yeah, sweet.
28:46What's going on, Tige?
28:49Leave me, mate.
28:51You don't want to know.
28:53I tried to ring her, but her phone was switched off, so...
28:56I looked on Facebook and saw one of her friends
28:58had checked into the Tiki Beach bar.
29:00And so I went down there...
29:02Which one's the Tiki Beach bar?
29:04Oh, it's that one right on the Levante Beach.
29:06It's usually filled with a heaving throng of shirtless tag parties.
29:10You know, firemen, you know,
29:11all kinds of people, you know,
29:13and it's a really, really, really, really, really, really,
29:15really, really, really, really, really, really, really,
29:18really, really, really, really, really, really, really,
29:20you know, tag parties, you know, firemen, builders,
29:23manual labourers, that sort of thing.
29:25I pass it every day on my way to work.
29:27That bar's not on your way to work.
29:29I never said it was.
29:30I said I pass it every day on the way to work.
29:32Anyway...
29:33Sorry.
29:34So I get there and I've got the ring in me pocket,
29:37I rehearse me lines, I'm ready to get down on one knee.
29:40Oh, I don't like the sound of this.
29:42That's because you're not a romantic like me.
29:44I don't mean I don't like the romance.
29:45I mean, I'm worried about what's coming next and romantic?
29:47You, your idea of romance is having a shag
29:49and asking her name on the way out.
29:51Will you listen to me story?
29:52Sorry.
29:55So, I go up to my friends and I ask them,
29:58where's Megan?
29:59And they all just stare at me like they're frozen.
30:02And there's an announcement,
30:04in second place of the Miss Wet T-shirt competition,
30:08Megan!
30:09And I turn round and I see her.
30:12Oh, would you have married her if she'd have come first?
30:15I'm not finished yet.
30:17He hasn't finished.
30:18Sorry.
30:20So, I turn round and she's on this little stage in a wet T-shirt,
30:24snogging a bloke.
30:26So, I confront this fella and I say,
30:28what do you think you're doing?
30:29He says, what does it look like, dickhead?
30:31That's not nice.
30:32I said, do you know who that woman is?
30:34And he says, yeah, it's me wife.
30:37O to the M to the F to the G.
30:38Unbelievable.
30:39I know.
30:40I fancy having a wet T-shirt competition at your wedding.
30:45It wouldn't...
30:47It wouldn't... They're wedding. They've been married for years.
30:51I don't understand.
30:53No, you've lost me as well.
30:55Mm.
30:57When I first started going out with Megan,
30:58she said she were divorced,
31:00which didn't surprise me, she was 20 years older than me.
31:03But she weren't divorced.
31:05She separated.
31:06Was separated.
31:08She came on this holiday knowing
31:10that he would be in Benidorm at the same time.
31:12Hang on.
31:13How long have you and Megan been going out together?
31:18Two months.
31:19Two months?
31:20And you followed her homology to ask her to marry you?
31:22I know, I know, I know.
31:25I might be young, but...
31:27I guess I'm an old romantic.
31:28She sounds like an old slag by the sound of it.
31:30Liam!
31:32She said our fling was a mistake
31:35and she's back with her husband.
31:37And now I'm all alone in Benidorm.
31:39No friends, nowhere to go.
31:41Rubbish.
31:43Me and Liam are looking after you.
31:45And I'm going to start by making you feel like
31:47the young, vibrant, gorgeous, sexy man that you are.
31:50Dear God, Kenneth, control yourself!
31:52The boy is straight!
31:53I'm going to cut his hair, you dickhead!
31:55Oh, sorry.
31:59Right.
32:00Now, I am sensing a reverse layer pompadour
32:03with high-faded sides.
32:05What do you reckon?
32:07Whatever you think.
32:08As long as it comes with a vodka and coke.
32:10Liam, two vodka and cokes.
32:11Just shut down!
32:16Right.
32:21When I think back on these times
32:25And the dreams we left behind
32:29I'll be glad cos I was blessed to get
32:33To have you in my life
32:36When I look back on these days
32:39I look and see your face
32:42Ryan, you OK?
32:44You were red then
32:45I'm not upset.
32:47No, you don't look it.
32:50I'm not so lucky to have found someone.
32:52No, I often think that.
32:54Hang on, what do you mean?
32:56Kenneth.
32:58Kenneth!
33:00Are you serious?
33:02We're not...
33:04Sorry, I thought you two were...
33:05No!
33:06No.
33:07Just...
33:09No.
33:11Sorry.
33:14Still, when you do find someone,
33:15at least these days you can get married.
33:19What do you mean, these days?
33:20What, you know? We've come so far.
33:22Marriage should be for everyone.
33:24Now it is.
33:27Gay marriage.
33:30Oh, I'm not gay.
33:39HE LAUGHS
33:49Serious, aren't you?
33:51Liam, I'm sorry, Liam, I'm sorry.
33:53I'm not offended.
33:55I'm just not gay.
33:56Right.
33:58Right.
34:00A green Coke, gin and tonic,
34:03and a Malibu and pineapple with extra cherries
34:05and an umbrella.
34:07It's a nice drink.
34:08I didn't say anything.
34:17Can I sing tonight, Mum?
34:19Of course you can, darling.
34:21Where's the book?
34:22Come on, let's go and find one.
34:28If she's singing, I need another drink.
34:31I'm not going to let her down.
34:32I'm not going to let her down.
34:33I'm not going to let her down.
34:34I'm not going to let her down.
34:35I need another dram.
34:36You haven't heard her lately.
34:38She's much better.
34:39Isn't she, Billy?
34:41Good.
34:42I had a smashing voice when I were a lass.
34:45Unfortunately, too many drinks and ciggies have put paid to that.
34:49Mm.
34:50Plus all the late nights,
34:51not to mention the early mornings getting back home.
34:54It's been a long time since I've done the walk of shame, Billy.
34:58No, you just call it walking now, don't you?
35:00Oh, you just drop it.
35:02My mother said it was a joke earlier
35:03about shacking up with that young lad.
35:05Yeah, just drop it, Billy.
35:07You're like a broken record.
35:09I saw you.
35:13I beg your pardon?
35:14I saw you this morning
35:16when I was on my way to see if our rob was all right.
35:18I saw you leave that lad's room.
35:21Tiger's room.
35:29That doesn't prove anything.
35:31What were you doing in there, then?
35:33Dropping off a morning paper?
35:39Right, who's singing tonight?
35:47Nana, what about you?
35:48You're always up for it.
35:50Don't tempt us. Billy!
35:51I keep a part of you with me
35:57And everywhere I am...
36:00What can I get you?
36:01Something very large and very strong.
36:04Anything to drink?
36:05HE CHUCKLES
36:06I beg your pardon?
36:08Coming up.
36:10Oh, the very woman.
36:12Where's my 100 euros?
36:14This caftan's getting a bit whiffy.
36:16Especially right in the middle of the sun,
36:18if you see what I mean.
36:20I'm all over it. I'll bring it to your table.
36:26Don't mention it.
36:28You look happy. Did you find his cases?
36:30No, but I've got 100 euros coming in that'll shut him up
36:33until his real payment of 150 euros comes in,
36:36leaving me a tidy 50 euros profit.
36:39It's not what you do, it's the way that you do it, Leslie.
36:43All right for some.
36:44..I'm here
36:50CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
36:58Benny Dorm's own Charlene there.
37:01We'll hear more from her later.
37:02But now it's karaoke time.
37:05Let's hear it for Jodie Dawson.
37:09CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
37:18It's a beautiful night
37:21We're looking for something dumb to do
37:25Hey, baby
37:27Think I want to marry you
37:30I saw her coming back to me.
37:31You're not going to be sick again, are you?
37:33No, mate.
37:35Loretta helped me into my room,
37:38but she didn't get into my bed.
37:40You said you remember her face being, like, this far away from yours.
37:44She was tucking me in.
37:46That's what they used to call it, is it?
37:48Shut up.
37:50She tucked me into bed, then I was so drunk...
37:55..I thought she was my gran.
37:57And I said,
37:59don't leave me, gran.
38:01Don't leave me.
38:02Aw.
38:03And then she said,
38:05I won't leave you, son, don't worry.
38:07I'm sitting right here.
38:08And then I said, gran,
38:10why have you got a northern accent?
38:14And then I fell asleep.
38:16She must have done the same in the chair.
38:19Hiya, lads.
38:20All excited about your trip to Ibiza end of week?
38:22Ibiza?
38:23Oh, yeah, Tag, I completely forgot to tell you.
38:26I booked us on a free trip to Ibiza.
38:28Oh, my days, you legend.
38:29Er, excuse me, excuse me.
38:32What do you mean, free trip to Ibiza?
38:34You can't have forgotten about it. You literally just mentioned it.
38:36I never said it were free.
38:38I'm here to collect your 100-euro deposit.
38:40100 euros?
38:41We ain't got 100 euros. We're on all-inclusive.
38:44Tag, Tag, leave this to me.
38:46When I spoke to you today, you said,
38:48do you want to talk about the free trips you had on offer?
38:50Why did you think this trip was free?
38:52I gave you the leaflet to read.
38:54Plus, it said I haven't got my cash box,
38:55but we could sort out the details tonight.
38:57I thought you gave us spending money.
38:59Oh, my God.
39:00Just how stupid can one person be?
39:02Mate, you ain't heard nothing yet.
39:04This is just the tip of the ice cube.
39:08Morons. The pair of you.
39:10Total and absolute morons.
39:12Hey, no need to be like that.
39:14So, are we going to Ibiza or not?
39:22She's not bad.
39:24She could do with showing a bit of leg, though.
39:26Mother, she's nine.
39:31Hey, what about that money?
39:32Yeah, I haven't got it.
39:34Be right back.
39:37I've got to admit, that stage girl's done the world of good for her.
39:40Nah, it's been worth every penny to pay for our Geordie schooling.
39:44Only the best for my granddaughter.
39:46You paid for it to go to stage four?
39:49Yeah.
39:50Eddie Dawson, the tightest man who ever drew breath.
39:53I'll have you know, when it comes to my grandchildren,
39:56money's no object.
39:58Oh, Eddie, that reminds me.
39:59We need to start sorting payment for Geordie's next school year.
40:03The money's got to be in by the end of August.
40:06Next year?
40:07Yeah, next year.
40:10Another £11,000?
40:12It's actually £11,400 next year.
40:14Oh, you've got to be checking the piss.
40:17That lass has bled me dry as it is.
40:19I'll be freaked if I'm shelling out another £11,000
40:22for her to piss about singing and acting daft.
40:24Eddie, you agreed to pay for Geordie's schooling.
40:27Do you think she was going to leave school when she was ten?
40:30Can we talk about this later?
40:31One year.
40:33One year I agreed to pay for it, dry my school.
40:36She can sing in the shower from now on, like rest on hers.
40:39What happened to,
40:40when it comes to my grandchildren,
40:42money's no object?
40:46Who the friggin' hell's asking you?
40:48I'm surprised you've come up for air
40:50in between sucking the blood of teenage boys.
40:52Oh, dear.
40:53I'll tell you the problem you have, Eddie Dawson.
40:56No, I'll tell you the problem you've all got.
40:59If you all don't shut up and start behaving like human beings,
41:01you'll all be out on your ear.
41:03Do you understand?
41:04Yes.
41:05Yeah.
41:07I'm talking to all of you.
41:08Yes.
41:09MUSIC PLAYS
41:11I'm going to love you
41:15Is it the look in your eyes
41:17Or is it the scent in juice?
41:21Who cares, baby?
41:23I think I want to marry you
41:27CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
41:40Oh, that was brilliant, darling.
41:42You were fantastic.
41:44My singing teacher, Miss Halliwell,
41:45says we're going to do harmonies next year.
41:47Then I'll be able to sing with Rob.
41:53I'm going to have an early night.
41:56Oh, me as well.
41:58I'll see you all tomorrow.
42:05What did he say?
42:08MUSIC CONTINUES
42:11Home at the night
42:13Turn on the lights of one dream
42:16Come on, love, I think we'd better get you home.
42:19Oh, I'm sorry, Kenneth.
42:24Kenneth, can I just say something?
42:27I don't know, can you?
42:29I'm so sorry for assuming that you were both gay.
42:35What are you talking about? I am gay.
42:38He's one pina colada away from making his mind up.
42:40That is not true.
42:42I mean, I've suffered from prejudice too,
42:44just because I like older women.
42:47But it's just a preference, innit?
42:51What I think is...
42:54What I think...
42:56I think I'm going to be sick.
42:57Liam, a bucket.
42:58No, no, I'd better go.
43:01Kenneth.
43:03Kenneth.
43:05Liam!
43:06Oh!
43:08Thank you so much for all your kindness.
43:11Oh, Kenneth.
43:13Kenneth, me taxi's all paid for tomorrow morning, right?
43:17Oh, yeah, yeah, I forgot about that, yeah, yeah.
43:23Thank you so much.
43:25Come on, mate.
43:29Right, I need a drink.
43:31Me too. I've parched.
43:33Jacqueline!
43:35Oh, my God, we forgot about you.
43:37Oh, don't worry about me.
43:39I'm here now.
43:40What's happened to you?
43:42You look like you've been thrown from a bus.
43:43Oh, no, I didn't get the bus.
43:45I walked.
43:46You walked from Alicante?
43:47Well, when you weren't at the airport, I thought,
43:50oh, it's such a lovely day,
43:52and it's not that far if you take the coastal road.
43:55It's only taken me, er, eight hours.
43:59Oh, Jacqueline, I am so sorry.
44:02Don't worry, I didn't walk all the way.
44:05I got a lift from El Campeo to Cala La Nusa
44:09from a very nice farmer.
44:12I gave him something for his trouble.
44:14So I had quite a spring in me step for the last 10 or 12 miles.
44:26I cannot believe you forgot about Jacqueline.
44:28Me? What about you?
44:30I wasn't the one supposed to get from the airport.
44:31She was delayed.
44:33What was I supposed to do, wait there all day?
44:36SNORING
44:38Oh, bless.
44:54Hello. Are you OK?
44:57Yeah, I'm fine, thank you.
45:01I need to get back to me hotel, but I'm not feeling too well.
45:06Where are you staying?
45:08Erm...
45:10The Beltoro.
45:11So am I. I fancy sharing the cab.
45:15Yeah, great, thanks.
45:18I'm... I'm Ryan.
45:19I'm Loretta. Come on, let's get you up.
45:23All right.
45:27You safe with me?
45:31I'm sure you don't make a habit of taking young men home.
45:34Well, you say that.