• 2 months ago
Transcript
00:00♪
00:30You're up then.
00:50What time's our first appointment?
00:52Quarter to.
00:53Half an hour.
00:54Perfect.
00:55I'm just going to pop out and grab some brekkie.
00:58You'll be alright here, won't you?
00:59You should have done this.
01:01You locked up last night.
01:02Some of that's new.
01:03How can it be new?
01:04Maybe it's from you.
01:05I have noticed you've been getting a little bit...
01:08on top lately.
01:09What?
01:10Bam!
01:11God!
01:12I need to put a bloody bell on you or something.
01:16Right.
01:17Team meeting.
01:18Gather round.
01:19Gather round?
01:20We're all stood here.
01:21How much more round do you want us to be?
01:23Do you really want me to answer that, Kenneth?
01:25Right.
01:26As you know, I'm opening a brand new flagship salon in Soho.
01:32And well, basically, I've realised what a flagship salon needs
01:34most of all is a flagship manager.
01:39Someone professional.
01:40Someone I can trust.
01:41Someone who I know will...
01:43Troy.
01:44Troy.
01:45Troy.
01:46Let me stop you there.
01:48I'm flattered, obviously.
01:49I mean, who wouldn't be?
01:50But I can't go back there now.
01:53If nothing else, my skin has become acclimatised.
01:56If I so much as set foot off that plane in Gatwick,
01:59it will crack like fine bone china.
02:02So as much as I appreciate your offer,
02:04I'm afraid it's a no from me.
02:10Well, this is awkward.
02:12What do you mean?
02:13I was talking about you.
02:22Hey.
02:23You know who that is, don't you?
02:25Uri Geller.
02:26Who?
02:27Uri Geller.
02:28Oh, you must have heard of him.
02:29He's a big star, man.
02:30Why?
02:31What does he do?
02:32He bends spoons.
02:34Spoons?
02:35Aye.
02:36Spoons.
02:37Spoons.
02:38He bends spoons?
02:39Aye.
02:40And for this, he's famous?
02:41Aye.
02:42Madre mía.
02:43Good morning, team.
02:45Mateo, Les.
02:46Or should I say Neville?
02:49It's fine.
02:50It's fine.
02:51Hazing the new boss, eh?
02:52Aye, aye.
02:53Yes, very good.
02:54Well, never let it be said I don't enjoy a good wheeze,
02:57but hopefully I've passed your little initiation test now.
03:00We can get through the next few days without any more...
03:03The Benidorm Spiritual and Psychic Convention.
03:05Aye.
03:06Twelve till five in the function room.
03:08I don't have anything down about this.
03:10It's OK.
03:11They have it here every year.
03:12All of the psychotics come.
03:13No.
03:14No, this is not good at all.
03:15I wasn't...
03:16I mean, I'm not prepared.
03:17How many people are coming?
03:18I mean, I should know numbers, shouldn't I?
03:20You know, in case of, I don't know, an earthquake or something.
03:23We do not get many earthquakes in Alicante.
03:25Well, some other type of disaster, then.
03:27A hurricane or a flood or a fire?
03:30Please, calm down, Lord Henry.
03:32I have a full list of all the guests and speakers.
03:34I will print you out a copy and bring it to your office.
03:37Right.
03:38Well, yes, that would be...
03:43Mateo, don't print out that list.
03:45I'll do it.
03:46I just want to add a couple more names.
03:48What do you mean, add a couple of more names?
03:50Don't worry about it.
03:51I'll explain everything.
03:52Just leave it with me, OK?
03:54Anyway, isn't it time you two opened the bar?
04:12And you're absolutely sure that Blue is pregnant?
04:16Yes, it means pregnant.
04:18Only, to me, that doesn't look blue.
04:21More turquoise.
04:23Actually, that's the colour I had in mind for our spare room.
04:28Get off!
04:34It's blue and it's real.
04:37I'm pregnant.
04:40Have you told Malcolm?
04:41Don't you think you should, love?
04:45He needs to know.
04:46Like it or not, he's...
04:48What's up?
04:51...part of the family now.
04:54Not necessarily.
04:56What do you mean?
04:58I mean there's a teeny, tiny, teensy chance
05:05that the baby's not his.
05:11I'll tell you what it sounds like to me, son.
05:14A midlife crisis.
05:16It's not a midlife crisis, all right.
05:19Couple of nights of bad dreams, that's all.
05:21Yeah, and I was the one who had to suffer through them.
05:24Kicking and carrying on.
05:26What were these dreams about, Dad?
05:28Us. Us lot.
05:31We were homeless, destitute, living on the streets.
05:36Across the way there was this big billboard with our Jodie's face on it.
05:40She was a film star and she divorced us.
05:43Divorced us?
05:44Yeah.
05:45The whole family, you know, like them American child stars do.
05:48Classic midlife crisis dream.
05:50It's not a midlife crisis!
05:53All right, tell me something.
05:54Do you find yourself constantly wondering
05:56whether you've made the right choices?
05:58Do you look at your kids and think,
06:00how come they've got all the chances I never?
06:03Do you look at your wife and think,
06:04whatever happened to that svelte young thing that I married?
06:07Excuse me?
06:08Just asking.
06:13Billy?
06:15Hmm?
06:16What, God, no, of course I don't.
06:18What do you want about Dad?
06:20Well, all right.
06:21But if it is a midlife crisis,
06:23the good news is that eventually you get over it.
06:27And then you end up like me.
06:30Well, there's something for you to look forward to.
06:36Look, it was a works team-building thing, all right?
06:39A murder mystery weekend.
06:41A murder mystery weekend and you didn't invite me?
06:44Oh, yes, Pauline, you should have asked Geoff.
06:47You always guessed the whodunnits, didn't you?
06:50Do you remember when we used to watch that programme together?
06:54Poirot?
06:55No, not Poirot, the other one.
06:58Oh.
07:00Oh.
07:02Come on, then, what happened?
07:04I can't remember.
07:05You can't remember?
07:06Scooby-Doo, that was it.
07:09When you say you can't remember,
07:11would I be correct in assuming alcohol might have been involved?
07:15Perhaps.
07:17One or two...
07:19small...
07:21large vodkas.
07:24Or three.
07:25Pauline, are you pregnant?
07:28Oh, Mum.
07:29Mum, she obviously wasn't.
07:33So you've no idea who, er...
07:35you know?
07:36No, it could have been any one of two of them.
07:38OK, two, well, that's not...
07:40Maybe three.
07:42All right, five.
07:44Five, OK, Geoff?
07:45There were five people with me.
07:47Don't go getting upset, Pauline, love.
07:50Perhaps we could narrow it down.
07:53Now, were any of them women?
08:02Fortune tellers, palm readers?
08:04No, you're barking up the wrong tree there, pet.
08:06I've seen these sort of shows before.
08:08It's usually just psychology and science.
08:11Which is probably what about half the attendees are expecting.
08:14But that still leaves a good two quarters.
08:16It'll be after the mumbo-jumbo.
08:18And we're going to give it to them.
08:20Now, I've already put a call in to a local medium
08:22and I'm still working on trying to track down a palmist.
08:24We'll set the tents up over there,
08:26pocket half the takings and split it three ways.
08:29What do you say?
08:31She does this a lot, would you say?
08:34No.
08:36Mateo, Neville, look,
08:38I don't want to be all wally-wally guts with you,
08:41but our little chat this morning about earthquakes and tornadoes
08:44and fires got me thinking.
08:47When was the last time this place had a safety drill?
08:50Um...
08:53August 16th.
08:55August, what, literally the day before I arrived?
08:58Mm.
09:01Oh, well, that's great.
09:03And the fire extinguishers.
09:05I checked the one in reception and it says it was last tested in July.
09:09It's the same everywhere, you know,
09:11it's like sell-by dates in supermarkets.
09:13You always add a couple of months on, like...
09:15Yes, and on top of all that, I have a big house.
09:19It is behind the barrage, you cannot see from there.
09:22Well, this is quite the weight of my mind,
09:24I don't mind telling you.
09:26Oh, and here's the list of all the attendees, Sir Henry.
09:30Fortune teller?
09:32Palm reader?
09:33Yes, we do it every year, don't we, Mateo?
09:36As regular as our fire drills.
09:39Great, splendid. As you were, then.
09:42Thanks, boys.
09:44Do you know what she has done, don't you?
09:46She has put us in the same boat as her.
09:53Liam, have you let me finish talking before you marched out?
09:56I haven't actually said yes.
09:58Look, Kennedy didn't want to do it anyway, so...
10:00That's not the point! You never asked me!
10:03You were never asking me!
10:04I've been here twice as long as him.
10:06Plus, I've practically run this place single-handedly for you
10:09while you've been gallivanting off doing God knows what.
10:12I have worked my fingers to the bone for you, you selfish ingrate.
10:15Look! Look at my calluses.
10:18Hmm, they're mostly on your right hand, I notice.
10:20That's because it's me brushing hand!
10:22Oh, is that what you kids are calling it these days?
10:24Oh, so you think it's funny now, do you?
10:26Well, you can laugh it up on your own from now on.
10:28Cos I quit!
10:30Oh!
10:34All right?
10:36Not really, no.
10:37We've blown our entire week's budget in, like, four days.
10:41I don't know what you're so bothered about.
10:43Who needs money?
10:44We've got everything we need right here.
10:47Everything except girls, Joey.
10:49I mean, have you seen this place this year?
10:51It's like something from The Walking Dead.
10:53And we're stuck with it,
10:54because all we've got left is however much this is.
10:57€44.25.
11:02He's right.
11:04How do you know that?
11:05I counted it.
11:06But you barely looked at it.
11:08This is that maths thing of yours again, isn't it?
11:13Didn't you say you booked some cards with you?
11:16Yeah.
11:19I'll be right back.
11:21I'll be right back.
11:23Oh! Are we going to play snap?
11:26I'm wicked hot at snap.
11:32Hey, hey!
11:33Yuri!
11:36I don't believe it!
11:37Why didn't you tell me you were coming here, you big shithouse?
11:41Please tell me you're up for a drink later,
11:43because I am having the holiday from hell.
11:45Got the whole tribe out there with us, including Loretta.
11:48Hey, did I tell you her and me dad
11:49are having to chip in for our Geordie stage school fees?
11:51And you better believe they rub it in every chance they get.
11:54No, I'm stressed out to the max, mate.
11:56Worrying 24-7 about everything.
11:58Dad reckons it's a midlife crisis, but that can't be right.
12:01I mean, I'm only...
12:06Oh, my God.
12:08Yulia Righella.
12:09It's pronounced Uri.
12:11Oh, you must think I am so sorry.
12:15You look just like my mate, Stevie.
12:17I mean, he looks just like you.
12:19Everybody calls him Yuri.
12:20I mean, Uri, because he...
12:21Looks just like me.
12:23I get it.
12:24Look, it's fine.
12:25Don't worry.
12:26These things happen.
12:31Actually, it's a shame,
12:33because my lecture is totally booked up
12:35and I believe it could have helped you.
12:37But perhaps I can give you some advice anyway.
12:41Worry.
12:43Stress.
12:45These are the results of negative energy.
12:48And do you know what causes negative energy?
12:51Other in-laws?
12:52No.
12:53Negative thinking.
12:56Let me explain you something.
12:58It all comes from inside.
13:02Negative thoughts lead to negative energy.
13:06And positive thoughts leads to...
13:09Positive energy.
13:10And positive energy leads to a happier Billy.
13:15Hang on.
13:16How do you know my name?
13:18Look, Billy,
13:20if you want to change your entire life for the better,
13:23you have to remember two simple words.
13:27Positive thinking.
13:41MUSIC PLAYS
13:50I need a drink.
13:52Pauline, no.
13:53A soft drink, Mum, OK?
13:55I couldn't have alcohol now even if I wanted, could I?
13:59Not for another nine months.
14:03Son, does it make me a bad person
14:08if I hope Malcolm isn't the father?
14:11What our Pauline told us about him?
14:13No, Mum.
14:14I won't admit you're completely sane.
14:17If only we knew which one of the other candidates
14:19was most likely, though.
14:21I know, love, but it's a mystery.
14:24I know we're good at solving mysteries, don't we?
14:33Me!
14:34It's me, wasn't that clear?
14:36Look, mark my words, by the end of today,
14:38we'll have it down from a 1-6 to a 1-2.
14:40Well, my name's not...
14:42..the Oracle.
14:49Come, Mother.
14:51The game is afoot.
14:53Oh, son, I've only just sat down.
14:57Can you not play with yourself?
15:01Did he not tell you about my dramatic walkout?
15:04It was more of a flounce, really.
15:06Look, Liam's a young lad and he's proved himself.
15:08I just want to give him a chance.
15:10He doesn't know what to do, you know.
15:12Doesn't know whether to take it or not. It's a big decision.
15:14One he could really use his best friend's help with.
15:18Hmm.
15:19Kenneth, what's this really about?
15:22Oh!
15:24Oh!
15:27Wait!
15:29I'm getting a message for someone here.
15:31Oh, who?
15:33Him.
15:34Not today, love.
15:36All right.
15:37You, then.
15:38Me?
15:39Oh, who's it from?
15:41I can't tell you now.
15:43Come to my tent later.
15:45OK, I will.
15:47What time are you planning on opening your flaps?
15:50Half an hour.
15:52And bring your purse!
15:54A message for you, eh?
15:56I wonder if it's from your Donald.
15:58Oh, no.
15:59He's far too busy up there.
16:02Actually, I hope it's from me friend Sammy.
16:06Sammy?
16:07Sammy the Tranny.
16:09Part of the Brighton set.
16:11We lost him last October.
16:13An incident with a trampoline.
16:17I need you two to set the tent up for me.
16:21Ah, ah, ah.
16:23Right.
16:25Here.
16:27And from you, I need a chair,
16:29a table,
16:31a candle,
16:32and a large bottle of brandy.
16:34Brandy?
16:35Yes, well, it's a spiritualist thing, really.
16:37You wouldn't understand.
16:39Let's just say I'm much more susceptible to being entered
16:43after I've had a glass or two.
16:45I'd enjoy preaching to the convertible.
16:47MUSIC PLAYS
16:58What are we looking for?
17:00There's social media passwords.
17:02There's no way somebody with our Pauline's history
17:05would rely on remembering them.
17:07They must be written down somewhere.
17:09Now, listen, you stand guard,
17:12and if you see her coming, make a noise or something.
17:15What sort of noise?
17:17I think a hooting owl
17:19is somewhat traditional in these situations.
17:22Can I be a kookaburra?
17:24I've always liked kookaburras.
17:26Yeah, whatever.
17:30What noise do they make?
17:32O-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o
17:45My family.
18:00My wonderful, wonderful family.
18:04Who? Us?
18:07What on earth are you wearing?
18:09Hmm?
18:11Oh, these.
18:12Do you like them?
18:13Some woman over the road was selling them.
18:15Yeah.
18:17What are you doing?
18:18There you go, Loretta.
18:20If anything, that makes you look even more beautiful.
18:25What? Are you taking...
18:27Is he taking the piss?
18:31But of course.
18:32Nothing.
18:34Nothing could make you more beautiful.
18:38Thanks.
19:07Jeff?
19:09Oh...
19:10No, I wasn't, um...
19:12I was, uh...
19:14I needed to borrow some...
19:17Chapstick.
19:19Chapstick? I don't use chapstick.
19:21What, with those big man legs?
19:27Ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
19:37It's OK, I'll...
19:43I'll borrow some marge from the bar.
19:47Come along, Mother.
19:48I'm sorry, son.
19:50I just had to look at the loo.
19:54Dennis, talk to me!
19:55Sorry, can't hear you.
19:59Judas!
20:01Zayn Malik!
20:16Okay, what have I got?
20:18Queen of spades, four of hearts,
20:20eight of spades, two of spades,
20:22jack of diamonds, jack of clubs.
20:26What did that tell you?
20:29All right, once more, just to be sure.
20:34Snap!
20:42We've got a problem.
20:44I've rang every contact I've got
20:46and there are no palm readers available
20:47on such short notice.
20:48Aye, well, we'll just have to deal with it.
20:50We can't do that.
20:51They always draw the biggest numbers
20:53ergo the biggest profits.
20:56Why do we not ask the bender to do it?
20:58From what young Liam was saying,
20:59I don't think he's in the mood.
21:01No, I'm talking about him with the spoons.
21:03Oh, him?
21:04Man, he doesn't do parlour tricks.
21:07Anyways, when it comes to palm readers,
21:09people expect a certain type.
21:10You know, wizened old crone
21:12from some exotic land or other.
21:15So you're saying we need someone in a dress?
21:17With a face that has seen better days.
21:19And an almost impenetrable accent.
21:21Aye.
21:24What?
21:40Jump up.
21:41Winning.
21:43I'm going for it.
21:47Really, Jeff?
21:48With her mother sat right there?
21:50Aye.
21:52No, I wasn't looking at porn.
21:54What were you doing then?
21:56I was...
22:01I was looking at porn.
22:02Oh, son.
22:04I'm going for a walk.
22:06Clear my head.
22:09Here, at the pool with all the little kiddies
22:12running around.
22:14I wasn't looking at porn, mother.
22:18It's our Pauline social media page.
22:22These are all the prime suspects.
22:24Just have to whip them down.
22:29Now where are you going?
22:31To see if they'll let me use the printer.
22:34If we're gonna do this, we're gonna do it properly.
22:40I think he's good, no?
22:42Mateo, when I told you to fetch some bedsheets,
22:44I meant ones that had already been laundered.
22:46I don't know why we bothered with the frame at all.
22:48Half of these ones could have stood up on their own.
22:54You look great.
22:56I feel ridiculous.
23:00Perfect.
23:01Right, I'm gonna go check out
23:02what time the last lecture finishes.
23:04You guys see if you can't drum up
23:06a bit of interest here beforehand.
23:17He's not moved since I left.
23:19He's not moved for five minutes.
23:21Are we sure he isn't dead?
23:23Can you die standing up?
23:26Billy?
23:29Are you okay?
23:30Hmm?
23:32Oh, yeah, I'm fine.
23:35Better than fine, actually.
23:37I'm happy.
23:38Right, well, that's nice.
23:40Only you do seem to be acting a little odd.
23:43Am I, Sharon?
23:45Am I?
23:46Or, for the first time in my life,
23:50am I actually acting normal?
23:54No, no, I'm gonna stick with odd.
23:57Son, are you sure you haven't had a bang on Eddow somehat?
24:01Oh, I've had something better than that, Dad.
24:03I've had an epiphany.
24:06I just spoke to Uri Geller.
24:08His friends call him Polly.
24:10He's a very nice man.
24:11And Uri Geller, his friends call him Uri.
24:14Oh, my God, he's hallucinating.
24:18And is he here now?
24:21No, of course he isn't.
24:24But he has changed my life with just two simple words,
24:29positive thinking.
24:32Powerful, aren't they?
24:33Yeah.
24:35Yeah.
24:36Yeah.
24:41MUSIC PLAYS
24:58What an ear.
24:59Yes, Madam Jordina has requested you personally.
25:02Madam who?
25:04Oh, God, it stinks.
25:07Somebody been using this for a crap house?
25:09Please come sit, my child.
25:13Oh, for God's...
25:14Nev, I know it's you.
25:16What, you've been here barely two days
25:17and already that bloody travel rep's got you rubbed
25:19into one of her crappy scams, has she?
25:21Aye.
25:22Aye, aye, but what she didn't reckon with
25:24is that I really do have the gift.
25:27Do you?
25:29Come, sit.
25:32All right, this better be good.
25:40Oh, dear.
25:41What is it?
25:42Is it my lifeline?
25:43No, it's your friendship line.
25:46My what?
25:47This line here.
25:48Oh, that's a very strong line, is that?
25:51You've got a very strong friendship in your life.
25:54But look, it suddenly forks off, almost as if the...
25:58Almost as if me best friend and flatmate's forking off
26:00and leaving me on me tod.
26:01Nice try, Madam Jordina.
26:03Did he put you up to this, did he?
26:04No, no, he didn't.
26:06You're not upset that he got off of the job over you.
26:09You're upset that he's going to leave.
26:11No.
26:12Oh, listen, man.
26:13Young Liam thinks the world of you.
26:15He looks up to you.
26:17To be honest, I reckon if you asked him not to leave,
26:20he wouldn't.
26:24Oh, you can fork off and on.
26:27MUSIC PLAYS
26:38Oi!
26:39Who the bloody hell are you?
26:41This is Madam Jordina.
26:43She's a great mistake.
26:44Mystic!
26:45Mystic.
26:46No, she's not.
26:47She's not even a woman.
26:48She's a ugly barman.
26:49Hey, all right, steady on, pet.
26:51You need oil painting yourself.
26:53OK, are you ready?
26:54The nutters, I mean believers,
26:56are on their way out the function room now.
26:58Get in your tent, quick.
27:00All right, I will get in my tent.
27:02But you can forget about your 25% cut.
27:05What?
27:06But we agreed.
27:07Ah, well, that was before you stuck
27:08this great circus clown next to me.
27:11I...
27:12I happen to be a professional.
27:14Give me that.
27:16Give it.
27:16Give it.
27:17Go, go, go!
27:20If she thinks she's getting away with this,
27:22she's got another thing coming.
27:23You and me are going to make sure
27:25Madam Jordina does twice the business she does.
27:28Oh, they're coming.
27:31Hi-ya!
27:33This is easier being said than done.
27:40Thank the Lord, Gulliver.
27:43I'm sorry, son.
27:44I don't understand you with that stick in your mouth.
27:50Right.
27:52This is what we know.
27:54According to Pauline's posts,
27:56her and her colleagues arrived at the manor
27:59on the evening of July the 6th at 1800 hours.
28:03They had supper.
28:05Then at 1915 hours precisely,
28:08Pauline returned to her room,
28:09whereupon a lengthy and tedious chat log
28:14between herself and Malcolm has been recorded.
28:18I propose that it was at the conclusion
28:21of this very chat
28:24that she took her first drink.
28:25Oh, poor Pauline.
28:27After that, the timeline and the posts become muddied.
28:34At this point, the one thing we do know
28:36is that she eventually woke up the following morning
28:39in a room that wasn't her own.
28:43The original occupant already vanished,
28:47but he's up there,
28:49somewhere on this wall.
28:51Darren Roberts.
28:53Paul Butler.
28:55Henry Poole.
28:57Andy Bruggs.
28:59Lionel Harris.
29:01So, who was it?
29:03Well, I don't know that yet, do I?
29:06That's the whole purpose of this exercise.
29:10Now, leave me.
29:12I must enter my mind palace.
29:17Okay.
29:18But don't stay inside all day, will you, son?
29:22You know it's not good for you.
29:33Here it is, here it is.
29:36I've never been to a casino before.
29:38I've always wanted to.
29:39After this, I've just got to swim with tortoises
29:42and meet Harry Potter,
29:43and then my bucket list is complete.
29:46I'm going to be honest with you,
29:47when you brought me in on this,
29:48I didn't realise I'd be the one putting up all the cash.
29:50What are you worried about, mate?
29:52We're going to double it, triple it, quadrangle it.
29:55You've seen what he can do.
29:57Kid's a genius.
30:03Oh, goodbye, Dracoline.
30:06Oh, it's been lovely talking to you again, Harry.
30:11Oh, it's been lovely talking to you again anyway, Sammy.
30:18And you know what's funny?
30:20You seem to have lost your speech impediment
30:23when you crossed over.
30:25Oh, oh, the spirit is fading.
30:34She's gone.
30:36The spirit is gone.
30:38But she leaves her love with you.
30:42Her love?
30:44His love.
30:46Sometimes when they come through, it's hard to tell.
30:49Oh, that's all right.
30:51To be fair, it was hard to tell when he was alive.
30:54Oh, that's why Sammy was the best.
31:02Next!
31:05I said, next!
31:12What in the name of Doris Stokes is going on?
31:17And why is that great Geordie Cretting
31:19getting more punters than...
31:21Oh, 80 euros, that's far too much.
31:26Well, I did say I'd take care of the pricing structure.
31:28And as you are the professional one here,
31:31I just thought your fee should reflect that.
31:33This charade has gone on long enough.
31:37Hey!
31:38Occupied all!
31:39Ew, why is this so sticky?
31:44This is no good.
31:46Right, thank you all for coming.
31:48I'm afraid both our mystics need a quick break
31:50to charge their psychic energy.
31:53The only thing that's going to get charged around here
31:56is you for fraud.
31:59Hello, what's going on here exactly?
32:02I'll tell you what's going on.
32:03I'm making a mockery of the mystic arts
32:06and I'm going to see to it that they regret it.
32:10Why?
32:11What are you going to do, put the curse on us?
32:14Maybe I will.
32:19Try your worst.
32:20I do not believe in your jumbo mumbles.
32:22Mm-hmm.
32:25Mm-hmm, mm-hmm, mm-hmm, mm-hmm, mm-hmm, mm-hmm, mm-hmm, mm-hmm, mm-hmm, mm-hmm, mm-hmm.
32:31Mm-hmm, mm-hmm, mm-hmm, mm-hmm, mm-hmm.
32:34No!
32:37Yosemite.
32:38Fire!
32:39Oh my God.
32:40Fire, fire!
32:41Forgive me, forgive me, forgive me.
32:45My tent, somebody do something,
32:47my tent is nearly 100 years old.
32:50Nobody panic, okay, just, we're trained for this.
32:54Oh, somebody help.
32:56It must have been your candle.
32:58Candle.
33:00Candle.
33:06Right, okay, everyone, stand back.
33:13You said you could have a couple of months off.
33:17Oh.
33:26My big hose.
33:28Well, successful fire drill, I'd say.
33:32What's today's date?
33:46["Thank You, Godmother"]
34:07♪ My team crazy, what about this save ♪
34:12Sunshine, she's here, you can take a break
34:17I'm a hot air balloon, I could go to space
34:23With the air like I don't care, baby, by the way
34:28Because I'm happy clapper long
34:31And if you feel like a room without a roof...
34:34I can't take this, we have to do something.
34:36I am not spending the rest of my life married to some gurning, great, happy clapper.
34:41All right, steady on, love. It's my son you're talking about.
34:44No, it's not, Eddie. Your son is a worrier and a fretter and a part-time misery-got.
34:49And I love him more than the world, and I want him back.
34:53Even I'd take the useless, original version over whatever the heck that monstrosity up there is.
35:06So what do we do?
35:08I'll tell you what we do. We work together as a team for once.
35:12All three of us.
35:13To do what?
35:15To depress the hell out of him.
35:27Oh, I see. I guess I'm too late.
35:30Um, Kenneth, Liam was...
35:33No, it's fine.
35:35As it happens, I'd come to apologise anyway.
35:40You had?
35:41Yeah.
35:43And to offer me congratulations. I think you deserve this.
35:47Really?
35:49Yeah.
35:52That's the part where you're supposed to shake me hand, Liam.
35:55Oh, I can't.
35:57Why can't you? Is that because of the calluses? Because of ex-
35:59Kenneth.
36:01Liam turned down the job.
36:03What?
36:05He did?
36:07How could I leave Benidorm?
36:09Me dad.
36:11Me friends.
36:12Oh, isn't it wonderful?
36:14The gang's all staying together.
36:16Yeah, wonderful.
36:18Of course, now I've got to find someone in London to manage the place.
36:21Um, you do realise, technically, you haven't asked me yet?
36:26Kenneth, you said no when I didn't ask you.
36:28So?
36:29I've been doing a lot of reflecting today and things have changed.
36:32Ask me now.
36:33Kenneth, I can't believe you...
36:35Shut your face.
36:36OK.
36:37Troy?
36:40Ask me.
36:42Go on.
36:43Fine.
36:45Kenneth, would you like to manage my new salon?
36:51No, I wouldn't.
36:52Stick it up your arse.
36:55Yeah!
36:57Group hug!
36:58Oh, no, no. I don't want to do one.
37:01Liam, stop it, Liam.
37:02OK.
37:04Right, now we've got that emotional stuff out the way,
37:07I think a couple of drinks are in order.
37:09I'll follow you on. I've just got to sweep up first.
37:13I think you'll find that's my job.
37:16Oh.
37:23Sod this, I'm spitting feathers.
37:28So, um...
37:30Why is it so dark in here?
37:34Ooh.
37:35I'm glad you made it.
37:37I suppose you're wondering why I called you both, are you?
37:40Well, actually, we were on our way out.
37:42What the hell?
37:44These are all my colleagues.
37:46Only four of them.
37:47One of them potentially the father of your baby.
37:50And now, I can finally reveal who.
37:53Geoff, love.
37:55Mum, do you mind?
37:56I'm trying to do me big day and you're on here.
37:59I know, son.
38:00But, you see, without any witnesses or evidence,
38:04any one of these men could have been the culprit.
38:07That is, until you scratch beneath the surface.
38:11Darren Roberts, status update.
38:14July 12th, 2014.
38:16Booked my vasectomy.
38:18Hashtag ouch.
38:22Andy Brooks lists his likes as art, poetry
38:26and the music of Paddy Manilow.
38:29Need I say more?
38:31Lionel Harris.
38:33Geoff, I'm not pregnant.
38:37You what?
38:38It's true, son.
38:41That's what we came to tell you.
38:44It was a faulty batch.
38:46So, I went out and bought another one and...
38:49I'm not pregnant.
38:54And what the hell am I doing here?
38:59I should be celebrating.
39:03I'm sorry, son.
39:05Why don't you tell me you've done it anyway?
39:10No point.
39:12Go on, you know you want to.
39:16Paul Butler.
39:20The butler did it.
39:22And he would have got away with it too
39:26if it hadn't been for you Marilyn kids.
39:33Son.
39:35What do you think she meant by celebrating?
39:43Oh, you're never going to believe this.
39:45Council's only after sticking one of them ugly mobile phone mass things
39:49right opposite our house.
39:51Oh, well, might actually get a signal in the bathroom now.
39:58Er...
40:00Son, do you remember that cat you had when you were a bairn?
40:04Winston.
40:06Well, it never ran away.
40:08I backed over it.
40:15I know, Dad. I've always known.
40:18You have? Mm.
40:20Doesn't it feel better to say it out loud?
40:24It does.
40:26It really does.
40:28It really does.
40:33Right. Looks like you're all down to half-full glasses.
40:36I'll go get another round.
40:38No. No. They're not half-full, Billy.
40:41They're half-empty.
40:43Just say it.
40:45They're half-empty.
40:48Well, they're not, Sharon.
40:50They're half-full.
40:52Ooh.
40:56Ooh.
41:00What was that? You've ended up depressing yourself.
41:03And where were you?
41:05Well, I'm sorry, Sharon, but I was never going to trump
41:08the squash cat story, was I?
41:10Excuse me.
41:12I think I've got something in my eye.
41:15Half-empty.
41:18What happened? I don't know.
41:20Did you forget how to count or something?
41:22No, I was counting, I swear.
41:24There's something fishy about their whole set-up.
41:26I'm telling you, I don't know how, but somehow they're cheating.
41:29Whoa, whoa, whoa, Joey. This is serious.
41:32Are you trying to tell us that the casino are playing with a loaded deck?
41:35We should tell somebody. Too right we should.
41:38They can't get away with cheating us.
41:40Not when we're trying to... Cheat them? Cheat them, exactly.
41:43Joey, you certain? Absolutely.
41:45Half the time in there they shouldn't have even won.
41:48I did everything you taught me.
41:50I made sure every hand you were getting was as close to 31 as possible.
41:5431?
41:56Yeah.
41:58What?
42:00I...
42:04Lads?
42:06Lads!
42:08Lads!
42:10What? This is it? This is all split?
42:12I had to give the rest to Psycho Sue, didn't I?
42:15By a silent stopper from letting on to Sir Henry
42:17that none of this had actually been officially sanctioned.
42:20And this is all that was left?
42:22I do not believe you. Show me your split.
42:25Only if you show me your mumbo-jumbo.
42:29Today has not been a good day.
42:33Oh, I don't know. I reckon some things has worked out OK.
42:38Yes, fella?
42:40A round of drinks for my perfect family, please.
42:43But I need a bit more to go on than that, pal.
42:45Oh, right. Sorry. Two pints. Two white wines.
42:50Actually, what's that?
42:52That? Gatos Arabitar.
42:54It's sort of a posh mint liqueur.
42:56It's not part of your all-inclusive mind.
42:58Ten boba shot this. For special occasions, really.
43:08Well, every day is a special occasion.
43:11Going up, then?
43:13I don't want it.
43:14Just one glass. Happy to stretch my overdraft a little.
43:17One glass, Warner. We're celebrating.
43:19Celebrating what? You going completely round the bloody twist?
43:23Celebrating life, Sharon. Celebrating life.
43:27Oh, I can't take it. I can't actually take it.
43:31Hey, watch this when it's at all.
43:33Dad, careful with that. It's ten euros a shot.
43:37Shot.
43:41I'm sorry, son.
43:47I'll have to charge that in the room, I'm afraid.
43:49At least 100 euros.
43:50Oh, dear, that's a lot, isn't it?
43:53Just how stretchy is this overdraft of yours, Billy?
43:56Hey, I'll get a brush and clean up.
43:58Never mind, lad. Could be worse.
44:00At least it was only half full.
44:04No, it wasn't.
44:07It was half empty.
44:10Oh!
44:12Welcome back.
44:16There he is. Oh, yes.
44:24Son, look.
44:26Right.
44:28Shut up.
44:29Shut up.
44:31Where am I looking?
44:37I can't read that.
44:42He's running round the world and I, I, I
44:45I can't find my baby
44:47I don't know and I don't know why
44:50Why he's gone away and I don't know where he can be
44:55My baby
44:57But I'm gonna find him
45:00Everybody!
45:02Oh!
45:26Yeah!