According to Jim
According to Jim
  • 3 months ago
Transcript
00:00♪
00:26♪
00:45Stand by. I will need your help.
00:48This one is crazy.
00:57Hola.
00:58Hello, love.
01:00You know you are too early for breakfast.
01:02You are going to have to wait at least another half hour.
01:06That's all right, love. I was just enjoying the view.
01:12Oh, I can move if I'm in your way.
01:14No, no. You can stay here. The view is all inclusive.
01:18Have you ever thought why we're here?
01:22I am at work.
01:24You are on holiday?
01:26No. I mean, why we're put on the earth in the first place?
01:30What's it all about?
01:32I am sorry. I am not qualified to answer these questions.
01:35I suggest you try a business centre.
01:37They have the interweb there.
01:39What's going on? Where's the breakfast?
01:41You are too early.
01:43Oh, I'll kill that DJ from Cafe B.
01:46He always plays Islands in the stream at quarter to eight,
01:49so I know I've got 15 minutes to get here to get me breakfast.
01:52Idiot.
01:53Oh, my head is banging.
01:56You haven't got a light, have you, love?
01:58Yes, love.
01:59Cheers.
02:05You can keep that.
02:06Oh, nice one. Are you sure?
02:08Yeah.
02:10You may as well have these as well.
02:16You're not stopping, are you?
02:18The doctors gave me six months to live.
02:22Really?
02:23That was five months ago.
02:26Believe me, son, if you know what's good for you,
02:29you'll start looking after yourself.
02:32Right.
02:33If you'll excuse me, I'm off to sit in the shade.
02:40Think about what I said, son.
02:48Bloody hell.
02:50You sent me now to put someone off the bacon butty.
02:56Come on. Come on!
02:58What are you doing?
03:00You know what I'm doing. I'm trying to get through to Dr Kundu.
03:03It's quarter to eight.
03:05I know. They open at eight. Somebody might be there.
03:08It's quarter to eight here, so it's quarter to seven at home.
03:11I know Dr Kundu's receptionist looks keen.
03:13Hello. This is Janice Garvey again.
03:16Calling about my mother, Madge Harvey.
03:19We need Dr Kundu to ring us back on the mobile number I left last night
03:22as soon as possible, please.
03:25What did you say?
03:26We're an hour in front. It's quarter to seven there.
03:29Oh, I've forgotten about the time difference.
03:31Look, why don't we just...?
03:33Shh!
03:35What can you hear?
03:38Not much.
03:39Bit of drilling, but that might be Donald and Jacqueline.
03:41They're only a couple of floors away.
03:43She's not coughing.
03:44My mother's not coughing. You know she can't breathe in the mornings.
03:48Mam! Mam!
03:50It'll be me that can't breathe when this bloody phone bill comes in.
03:55She's not in her room. My mother isn't in her room. Where is she?
03:58How the frig should I know? Calm down!
04:00My mother's got four weeks to live. Don't you tell me to calm down!
04:03Janice! Janice!
04:07I swear to God, Madge, if this whole thing is your idea of a joke,
04:11you won't have four hours to live, never mind four weeks.
04:14Urgh!
04:17I'm sorry, I don't even know what a vajazzle is.
04:20But I'll ask Kenneth, our head stylist, to call you back.
04:24It's what?
04:25Oh, I'm not sure Kenneth will be up for that, to be honest.
04:28But you can always ask.
04:30That's right.
04:32Pensioner's 50% off day is Wednesday.
04:35All right. Take care.
04:40Oh, ho-ho!
04:42Hey, have you seen Squirrel?
04:44Who?
04:45Squirrel. Squirrel Beacock.
04:46Oh, Cyril! He was sniffing about earlier.
04:49Do you know, I heard when Miss Temple Savage found Squirrel in Benidorm,
04:52he was a vagabundo. I think you say tramp.
04:55You're joking. No wonder he looks like the cat who got the cream.
04:58Squirrel has a cat?
05:00No, man, I just mean, getting a job here, he's landed on his feet.
05:05Ah, yes, a cat will always land on his feet. You did not know this?
05:08Well now, gentlemen.
05:10Oh, apologies, lady and gentleman.
05:14It would appear we have a staff-work ratio imbalance.
05:20Meaning you obviously have nothing to do.
05:23Not to worry, help is at hand.
05:25Leslie, I'd like you to put up these posters and distribute these leaflets.
05:29I'm supposed to be on reception.
05:30Have you never heard of delegation?
05:32That's what Roy Castle had, wasn't it?
05:34That was dedication.
05:36Roy and I were very close, actually.
05:38I once doubled for his feet in a cornflake commercial.
05:41No, I was talking about... Look, just get those out.
05:50Excuse me, have you seen my mother?
05:51Madam, do you mind? We happen to have a dress code.
05:54These may be known as the common areas, but they're not that common.
05:57Have you seen Madge?
05:58I'm sorry, Pr...
05:59Madam, I must ask you to...
06:01Oh, shut up! Have you seen my mother?
06:03I think she's by the pool.
06:05Appropriate clothing must be worn at all times...
06:07Oh!
06:08You haven't seen me wife, have you?
06:09She went out with...
06:10Thanks.
06:11Dad, what's going on?
06:12Is this place always like this?
06:14Yes.
06:16What is going on?
06:17Just a minor disturbance.
06:19I've read them the riot act vis-à-vis appropriate clothing in the hotel.
06:24I don't think we'll have any more trouble there.
06:27Now...
06:28Cigarette break, I think.
06:32You see, Leslie, that's a manager.
06:34Someone who thinks on his feet, has a natural authority over others.
06:38Someone who has a history of...
06:40David Trump!
06:41A history of being a trap...
06:44I beg your pardon.
06:45Nothing.
06:46Just go easy on the tittle-tattle, Leslie.
06:50Loose lips sink ships.
06:55I cannot understand a word anyone says today.
06:59Morning.
07:00Morning, June.
07:05DOOR CLOSES
07:07SHE SCREAMS
07:09SHE SCREAMS
07:11What's going on?
07:13I'm sorry!
07:14I'm sorry, sorry, that was my fault. I thought you were dead.
07:17Why did you think I was dead?
07:18You were lying when you went in the sink at 8 o'clock in the morning.
07:21I must have fallen asleep.
07:24You've been out all night again, haven't you?
07:26Yeah.
07:30You still getting them twinges?
07:32Yeah.
07:33I think it's time for a major lifestyle change, don't you?
07:36Just what I was thinking.
07:37Do you know if they've started breakfast yet, I could murder some black pudding.
07:49What's all the rack here?
07:50What, all the slamming doors, arguing and shouting?
07:53Just another morning at the Solana Lunatic Asylum.
07:56Such a lovely place to bring your family on holiday.
08:00What are you doing out here?
08:01Oh, I was having trouble hearing all the slamming doors above your snoring.
08:05I'm getting in the shower.
08:07Oh, I have found a lovely health spa.
08:10Ten minutes away, five star.
08:12I thought we could spend the day there.
08:14What, all of us?
08:15How much is it?
08:16What's that got to do with anything?
08:18It's a nice day today.
08:19It'd be a crime not to be stuck indoors.
08:24No, we need the crime I will commit if I don't get out of this pigsty!
08:28Oh!
08:32Mother, what are you doing here? I've been sick with worry.
08:35What is there to worry about?
08:36Oh, Janice, go up and get changed. I'll sit with your mother.
08:39Why does anybody need to sit with me?
08:41Right, we're going home.
08:43What?
08:44Your grandmother has got four weeks to...
08:47We're going home. Mick, get the flights changed.
08:49We're only here for another few days.
08:51Mick's right. We may as well finish our holiday.
08:54What did you just say?
08:55I said we may as well finish our holiday.
08:58No, no, before that.
08:59I said, you're right.
09:01Michael, how do you do the voice recorder thing on this phone?
09:06Madam, I must insist you change into something more appropriate.
09:09Go up and get changed.
09:11Come on, Mum, I'll go with you.
09:12Keep trying the doctor.
09:13All right, I will.
09:16We're not here to spoil anybody's fun.
09:18Standards must be maintained.
09:20Aye, all right.
09:21I'll go and get us a coffee.
09:23Oh, thanks, love.
09:26We've had trouble from you before.
09:28One more incident and you'll get a lifetime ban from all Solana hotels.
09:33That won't make much difference to me, love.
09:36I've only got four weeks to live.
09:38Mm-hm.
09:56Are you black?
10:00No.
10:02Are you white?
10:03Yes.
10:05Are you in the entertainment industry?
10:07Yes.
10:08Are you a singer?
10:10Er, yes.
10:12Are you Cheryl Cole?
10:14No.
10:16Are you over 50?
10:17Yes.
10:18Sue Pollard?
10:19No.
10:20Are you over 50?
10:21Yes.
10:22Sue Pollard?
10:23No.
10:25Do you want a clue?
10:26Go on.
10:27We once shared a jacuzzi with this celebrity,
10:30which resulted in it having to be drained and industrially cleaned.
10:35Could you narrow it down a bit?
10:38What's it all about, Alfie?
10:42Alfie, you said you were a woman.
10:45I'm still all black.
10:47Of course.
10:49I knew I should have asked,
10:51did this celebrity's collar not match her cuffs?
10:55Oh, yeah.
10:56Competition this afternoon.
10:58Free entry.
10:59We're going to have a spit roast.
11:01Sounds like our kind of competition.
11:03Mm-hm.
11:05Mm.
11:09Anyone fancy going to the beach?
11:12No?
11:13Nobody fancy going to the beach?
11:15I'm not keen on beaches.
11:17I've ended up with sand in some very strange places over the years.
11:22Bee, you fancy going to the beach?
11:24The beach sounds nice.
11:26Going with who?
11:27With me.
11:28Oh, how can I put this without hurting your feelings?
11:31No.
11:32You're coming to the spa with me, aren't you, bubs?
11:34What spa?
11:35I'll send you a text about it.
11:37What are we doing texting each other when we're in adjoining rooms?
11:41The world's gone mad.
11:42I don't want to go to a spa.
11:44I've been groped by enough dirty Spaniards this week, thank you.
11:47There is nothing to do here.
11:50Ombre versus food competition this afternoon.
11:53Free entry.
11:54Eat a whole pig and win a T-shirt.
11:57That sounds disgusting.
11:59I don't mind a bit of pig as it goes.
12:02You want to be careful.
12:04For you, that's practically cannibalism.
12:08What have I done now?
12:15WHISTLE BLOWS
12:20Come on, feel the burn!
12:22The only burn I'm getting is heartburn.
12:24I knew I shouldn't have had that black pudding.
12:26Come on, stronger, faster, harder.
12:28I've had a euro for every time I've shouted that.
12:30Stop talking, keep going.
12:32I'm going to die.
12:35I'm going to die.
12:37Come on, carry!
12:38Come on, carry!
12:43You've only got up three steps.
12:45Three steps? I feel like I've run a marathon.
12:48Oh! Oh!
12:50Oh, my God, what was in that powdered drink you gave me?
12:53It was a protein shake.
12:55Oh!
12:56Got enough gas in me to get to Alicante?
12:58Protein's good for you, you should drink as much of it as possible.
13:01Believe me, love, you're preaching to the converted.
13:04I was talking about the shake.
13:05Oh! Oh!
13:06Oh, no. No, it's no good.
13:08I'm going to have to change these shorts for something more heavy-duty.
13:11I see trouble on the horizon.
13:13Why don't we start with something a bit more gentle?
13:16How about a jog on the beach? Perfect.
13:21What are you doing?
13:22Just thinking for a taxi.
13:24How else are we going to get to the beach?
13:27HE SIGHS
13:34It's a shame we can't stay a few more weeks.
13:37It would be nice to spend my last few days in the sun.
13:41Do we have to talk about it, Nana?
13:43Sorry, son. I didn't mean to upset you.
13:46Oh, they're still engaged.
13:48Right, I need to stretch my legs. Who wants a drink?
13:50Keep ringing them. Same again, everyone.
13:52Lovely.
13:53The doctor might have made a mistake, Nana.
13:55Oh, I don't think so, son.
13:57They're very clever men.
13:59I've had a good life. I've no complaints.
14:04PHONE RINGS
14:05Hello?
14:07This is her husband, Mick Garvey.
14:09Yes, she has been ringing you, but you've been engaged.
14:14You've been trying to call us back and we've been engaged.
14:17Right, sorry about that.
14:19Yeah, yeah, I'm free to speak now. Thank you.
14:24They're putting me through to the doctor.
14:26Do you want to speak to him?
14:28Hello, Dr Kundu?
14:30Mick Garvey.
14:32Yeah, um, Frank's ringing back.
14:37It sounds lovely, but I don't think I will today. Thank you.
14:40Facial, massage, hot steam, maybe a body wrap?
14:46No.
14:47You should take a little bit more care of yourself.
14:50I'm sorry?
14:51It's not pampering, it's maintenance.
14:54People see facials and massage as a luxury,
14:57but they need to be part of every woman's weekly routine.
15:01I'm a beauty therapist.
15:03Yeah, you've said.
15:04There you go, pet. That's your drinks.
15:06Thanks, love.
15:07Hey, Cyril's looking for you.
15:09Aren't you supposed to be going up the old town with him?
15:11Ostia!
15:12Let me know if you change your mind.
15:14I would love to get my hands on your T-zone.
15:17Aye.
15:19I bet you would.
15:21You're a beauty therapist?
15:22That's right.
15:23Oh, I've often thought I should try and break into the beauty industry.
15:26Yeah, well, I recommend you do it at night,
15:29when nobody can see you.
15:39Has he got through?
15:41They rang us.
15:44All right, Mikey?
15:45Don't fancy walking to the beach, do you?
15:48I don't think he will, love, not today.
15:51Oh, OK.
15:53Sorry to bother you.
15:56Thanks very much.
15:58Thank you, Doctor.
16:02Madge, what can you remember about the conversation with Dr Kundu
16:06when he told you you had six months to live?
16:09What do you mean?
16:10I mean, can you remember anything unusual
16:12about the manner in which he gave you this devastating news?
16:15I don't know what you're talking about.
16:17Well, let's put it this way.
16:18If a doctor was telling me I had six months to live,
16:20I assume he'd be diplomatic, well-mannered, friendly even.
16:24Oh, no, he was an absolute bastard.
16:27Shouting and screaming at me.
16:29He couldn't get me out of his office soon enough.
16:32And you've no idea why?
16:33I've stopped trying to understand people like that a long time ago.
16:37Well, I've just spoken to Dr Kundu,
16:39and even though it was over five months ago,
16:41he had no trouble remembering when you went to see him.
16:44Mick, get to the point.
16:46The point is,
16:47your mother's been banned from seeing every doctor in the health centre
16:50for various reasons ranging from racism to threatening behaviour.
16:54I'm not a racialist.
16:56I've got everything Winifred Atwell ever recorded.
16:59Dr Kundu was the only one who'd see you.
17:01And when he found out you'd written to the Manchester Evening News
17:04because you suspected he had a drink problem,
17:06he banned you from the health centre.
17:08Yes, and after all that, he then told me I had six months to live.
17:14He even said he wished I'd be dead sooner.
17:17He told you you had six months to leave
17:20when people are banned from the health centre
17:22at the given time to find another doctor.
17:24And he said he wished he could get rid of you sooner,
17:26but he had to give you six months to leave.
17:31Six months to leave?
17:34Not six months to live?
17:36Yes.
17:37Yes.
17:40Well, how am I supposed to understand him with that bloody accent?
17:45I'm off to the beach.
17:47Take your phone.
17:49Mother, did you not think to ask for a few more details?
17:53He's not a real doctor.
17:55His wife used to be married to a vicar.
17:57What's that got to do with anything?
18:00So, I've been sitting here, not smoking,
18:04keeping out of the sun,
18:06because my doctor can hardly string a sentence together.
18:09Oh, they should all be put up against a wall and shot.
18:16Where are you off to now?
18:18To get some bloody cigs.
18:22I don't believe it.
18:24Well, one good thing has come out of all this.
18:27What's that?
18:28Out of the way!
18:30Madge is back.
18:35Why am I here?
18:37You, my friend, are here to carry the pig.
18:40So, why are you here?
18:41I am here to pay for the pig.
18:43Why did you not just give me the 200 euros for the pig?
18:46Because, young man, armed with the negotiating skills of a blind, drunken goat,
18:50you would have paid 200 euros.
18:53I'll see to it.
18:55I'll see to it.
18:57I'll see to it.
18:59I'll see to it.
19:01I'll see to it.
19:03I thought you wanted the pig, not a goat.
19:05I am about to come out of that shop having paid only 50 euros for said pig.
19:10The price is 200. How did you pay 50?
19:12Stand back, my friend.
19:14Watch and learn as the master goes to work.
19:20Excuse me. You see that pig?
19:22You're welcome.
19:2420 or 30.
19:27I'll give you the stick. Thank you.
19:29You won't move on the price of the pig.
19:31Come on, I've got another idea.
19:40What are we doing here? This is disgusting.
19:42Take it from someone who knows.
19:44Fresh meat guidelines are ludicrously stringent.
19:47If this meat was thrown away today, there is absolutely nothing wrong with it
19:50so long as it's cooked today.
19:52Do you want us to cook meat that has been thrown away?
19:56Bingo!
20:07Looks just the job, that.
20:09Yes.
20:11You don't eat pig?
20:13I will not be eating this one.
20:15I saw where it came from.
20:17Yeah, you can get emotionally attached to them
20:19if you've seen them running about and that.
20:21I was the same when I went to see the film
20:23Winnie the Pooh.
20:25Did you never eat pooh again?
20:27Piglet.
20:29Piglet was one of the characters in Winnie the Pooh.
20:32Honestly, you two will have a decent conversation.
20:44Hiya.
20:46I've changed my mind if you still fancy going.
20:49To the spa, that is.
20:51Ooh, you don't need to ask me twice!
20:53Oh, are you coming, bubs? Girls day out?
20:55No, I'm sunbathing.
20:57Oh, OK, my sweet pea.
21:07You don't know how much it is, do you?
21:09My treat, Jan.
21:11Come on.
21:12Here. Do you know what that barman just said to me?
21:15No.
21:17What's going on? Am I invisible or what?
21:20Sorry, pal, I didn't see you there.
21:40Come on, Kenneth. No pain, no gain.
21:43I can't breathe.
21:45Work through the pain.
21:47Work through the pain.
21:59That's better.
22:06This is my laker.
22:09No, my friend.
22:11That is more like it.
22:14Hola.
22:16Pedalo for you today?
22:18Any freebies going?
22:20No, sorry.
22:22And what about the pedalos?
22:27Listen, we'd love to hire a pedalo,
22:29but my mate, he's scared of water.
22:31He can't swim.
22:33I can swim.
22:35And, well, he's a bit nervous.
22:37Maybe if you could join us, you know, safety in numbers?
22:40I'm not nervous.
22:43He always says that when he's nervous.
22:45Wait here.
22:47What did you say that for?
22:48Don't screw this up, Mikey.
22:50I know what I'm doing.
22:54Well, if you have someone who cannot swim,
22:56I should come with you. Mm-hm.
23:01What did I tell you?
23:14I bet you could get used to this, couldn't you, Jane?
23:18That massage was nice.
23:20Mine was built like Schwarzenegger.
23:23His hands were going everywhere.
23:25Really?
23:27I had this massive German woman called Ingrid
23:29who smelt like window putty.
23:31Mine was very masculine.
23:33Big muscles, huge moustache.
23:36Sounds a bit like Ingrid.
23:38But it's important to look after ourselves at our age.
23:41I say our age.
23:43I bet you're not that much older than me.
23:45No.
23:47It is difficult, though.
23:49I have a PT at home.
23:51Oh, mine's getting worse.
23:53I'm forever snapping at the kids
23:55and two weeks out of every month I can't get my jeans on.
23:59What?
24:01Premenstrual tension.
24:03Is that not what you meant?
24:05PT, personal trainer for the gym.
24:09Oh, sorry.
24:11His name's Chad. He's an American and 32.
24:14£70 an hour, but, my God, he is worth every penny.
24:17£70 an hour?
24:19Jesus.
24:21I'd want him to be building me an extension at the same time
24:23for that kind of money.
24:25Believe me, I have tried to budge it, but I'll be honest,
24:27I don't know how you do it.
24:29But I see you've got that lovely thing my mother had.
24:31You don't care how you look
24:33as long as your kids are turned out nice.
24:35I respect you for that.
24:37I think I'm going to have a shower and get dressed.
24:40OK, Jane.
24:42I might have a cheeky five minutes in the steam room,
24:44but I will see you in the reception.
24:46Yeah. These floors are dead slippy.
24:49Mind you don't fall and break your neck.
24:51Cheers, Jane.
24:53And it's Janice.
24:55I cannot close your account
24:57until your friend has finished her treatments.
24:59Would you just like to pay for your treatments, Mrs Gravy?
25:03It's Garvey.
25:05How much is it?
25:07Your personal invoice comes to €210.
25:14I think I'll wait for my friend.
25:16No problem. Please, take a seat.
25:30Come on, now!
25:33Come on, now, ladies and gentlemen.
25:36We have space for one more competitor.
25:38The rules are very simple.
25:40All you have to do is eat.
25:42No takers.
25:44There.
25:46Thank you, sir. Step right this way.
25:48Bloody hell, I think we should have got a bigger pig.
25:51Great. We may as well all forget it.
25:53Old Jimmy Five-Bellies has got it in the bag.
25:55Hiya.
25:57Look at the state of you two.
25:59You look as if you couldn't manage a mouthful each.
26:01I'm sorry?
26:03That pig is going down, down my throat.
26:06You know, hoopers haven't got a chance.
26:08All right, Donald, calm down. It's only a bit of fun.
26:11Oh, no, I don't mean to be rude.
26:13This is just jive talk.
26:15All the big fighters do it before a match.
26:17You're eating a plate of pork, not going 12 rounds with Mike Tyson.
26:20Bring on the meat!
26:22Are you sure you want to do this, Bea?
26:24I can drink or eat any man under the table.
26:27There you go. She's got the idea.
26:30Your mother wouldn't know a plate of pork if it hit her in the face.
26:33Are you talking about my family?
26:35Sorry.
26:36The rules are very simple.
26:38Eat as much pig as you can.
26:40Mind the crackling. There's no runners-up.
26:43It's winner takes all.
26:45OK, we are now full to capacity.
26:49Very full.
26:52Gentlemen and lady, raise your forks.
26:56Three, two, one, eat!
27:17Diego, you need to wear your life vest.
27:19Come on, let's get this bitch steaming!
27:22Oh, I don't mean you.
27:24I mean the pedalo.
27:25Look, if Elena says you should wear your life vest, you should wear it.
27:28Oh, listen to him.
27:30I told you he gets nervous around water.
27:32I'm not nervous, I'm just saying if we're going far out,
27:35then I think you should put it on.
27:37Just keep pedalling, mate.
27:39The only thing you have to worry about is what to do with yourself
27:42when me and Elena go for a swim.
27:55Where have you been? You said you were going to be five minutes.
27:58Sorry, Jan, I nodded off in the steam room.
28:01Mind you, look at the results.
28:03I know I shouldn't say it myself, but my skin looks amazing.
28:08I'd like to settle our bill, thank you.
28:10The total for both of you is €460.
28:13Worth every penny.
28:15Janice. My name's Janice.
28:18If I can get your name like Tonya, I'm sure you can manage Janice.
28:21Ooh, Tia.
28:23I think someone should have spent a few more minutes
28:25in the hydrotherapy relaxation tank.
28:27Erm...
28:29Everything all right?
28:30Sorry, your card has broken.
28:32Broken? Oh, my God, look at that.
28:35Well, I did give it quite a hammering before I came out here.
28:38You haven't got a card on you, have you, Jan?
28:40Sorry. Janice.
28:42That's the only one I brought with me.
28:44Can't we just come back with another card?
28:46Sorry, I don't know if this card's going to work.
28:48I don't know what the overdraft is.
28:50We can settle up later, can't we?
28:52Your secret number, please.
28:55I tell you what, I'll get next time.
28:58I can't wait for another deep tissue massage.
29:01I'll see you outside. It's getting a bit warm in here.
29:03Thank you, Mrs Gravy.
29:05That has gone through just fine.
29:1517, 18, 19...
29:20You've not been doing them!
29:21Oh, Liam, love, I'm absolutely shagged out.
29:24Can we go back now? No!
29:26You said you wanted to get fit and the only way to do that
29:28is to push through the pain barrier.
29:30I've already nearly pushed through once in these shorts.
29:32That protein vegan of yours should carry a health warning.
29:35And washing instructions, at least.
29:37Kenneth, you drink too much, you smoke too much,
29:39you eat too much and you don't do any exercise.
29:41How long do you think you can go on like this?
29:43Who said I eat too much?
29:44We have to go to Alberta, the all-you-can-eat Chinese restaurant,
29:47cos you've been banned from them all in Benidorm.
29:49That is not true. I'm not banned from Mr Woo's.
29:51They just ask that I bring my own reinforced chair to sit on,
29:54but I keep forgetting.
29:55Being asked to bring your own reinforced chair
29:57to an all-you-can-eat restaurant
29:58cos you keep breaking all their furniture,
30:00you can't be happy with that.
30:01Happy? I'm livid!
30:02Do you know how much that chair weighs?
30:04I can't keep carrying that all round town with me.
30:06Listen to yourself!
30:07Is this the person you want to be?
30:09No. Of course it's not,
30:11but I've not done this exercise thing before.
30:14I'm finding it really difficult.
30:16A journey of 1,000 miles starts with one step.
30:191,000 miles? Are you taking the piss?
30:21I'm supposed to be meeting Derek and Mark in the Old Town 8.
30:24It's just a saying.
30:25It means things might be difficult now,
30:27but if we do a little bit every day...
30:30Come on, then. What's next?
30:33Power walk up to the cross.
30:35Up to the cross? Are you joking? That'll kill me!
30:38There's a great view down onto the nudist beach from there.
30:41Ooh, you little swine.
30:43You know me far too well.
30:45Come on, then.
30:50Them coming!
31:01Oh, come on! Shovel it in!
31:03I've seen you eat more at breakfast.
31:05Will you shut up?!
31:07Right, that's me done.
31:09I've got peak fatigue.
31:11Don't eat it if you can't face it, Bea.
31:13I'm on my second plate, lightweight.
31:15Go on, girl!
31:17Watch that one. Watch her.
31:19She's shoving it down her socks.
31:21I know all the tricks, you can't fool me.
31:23I'm not wearing socks, you silly cow.
31:25Oi, that's my mother-in-law you're talking to.
31:27And you're saying she's not a silly cow?
31:29Fair point, well made.
31:30So, we're one down and seven remaining.
31:34Oi, you're back. Fancy a bit of pork?
31:36No, I don't.
31:37Thought you went to an elf spa.
31:39You look shocking.
31:40Thanks.
31:41You should ask for your money back.
31:43Don't worry.
31:45I intend to.
32:03I think we should turn back.
32:04Michael is right. We are past the safety marker.
32:06We need to turn back.
32:07But first, I need to cool off.
32:09I need to cool off.
32:10Tiger, no.
32:11The water is too deep here.
32:12You must put on your life vest.
32:13I could lose my job if my uncle comes back
32:15and can see how far out we are.
32:20Mate, stop messing around. We're too far out.
32:23Come on, Elena. It's beautiful.
32:25Why is your friend such an asshole?
32:26I've been trying to figure that one out for the last week.
32:33Oh, my God.
32:34Michael, what is wrong?
32:35I think I just saw something.
32:37What?
32:38What did you see, Michael?
32:39I think I saw a shark.
32:40A shark?
32:42There are no sharks in the Mediterranean.
32:44We're not in these parts.
32:45It could be a dolphin.
32:46I don't think it was.
32:49Mate, I think you should come back.
32:50There's something in the water.
32:52What? I can't hear you.
32:53There's something in the water.
32:58You can't get me with that one, mate.
33:04Oh, my God.
33:05Oh, my God.
33:07Help me. I'm going to die.
33:09Don't panic. It's only a dolphin.
33:11Oh, my goodness.
33:12What's wrong?
33:13That is not a dolphin.
33:14I'm going to die.
33:15Help me.
33:21What are you doing, Michael?
33:23Michael!
33:25Don't rush in a boat with this.
33:26Michael, hurry!
33:32Quickly!
33:33OK.
33:38Get hold of him.
33:48What is wrong with you?
33:49Oh, my God.
33:51You wouldn't see your faces.
33:53Oh, man, that was close.
33:54My mate nearly had a heart attack.
34:00Oh, please stop.
34:04I can't breathe.
34:06Come on, let's get back.
34:09Mate, I don't suppose I could get a lift back, can I?
34:11No.
34:12I'm knackered.
34:13You're joking, are you? You can swim.
34:14Mate!
34:16Mate!
34:19Mate!
34:23Mate!
34:24Mate!
34:30Come on, Donald.
34:31If your arms are tiring, put your face in your plate.
34:37How's it all going?
34:39So far, so good.
34:40No fatalities yet.
34:43Although if our friend in the pink keeps this up,
34:45we may have to cover the pool to get the air ambulance in.
34:50OK, people, time is up.
34:52That is the end of the Solana's annual
34:54ombre versus food competition.
34:57And we have a winner!
35:02Mateo, get the prize.
35:06That's not fair.
35:07He's obviously a professional competitive eater.
35:10There you go.
35:13Don't worry, they're quite stretchy once you get them on.
35:16Thank you, ladies and gentlemen.
35:17May I remind you all that Solana t-shirts are available
35:20to purchase in reception between the hours...
35:24Oh, dear.
35:25I think someone might need a little siesta.
35:29As I was saying, t-shirts of the Solana or Neptune are available...
35:36Stand back, everyone.
35:38He's going to blow!
35:40Oh, dear, it seems there's a fine line
35:43between pies winning and piggery.
35:45Little lesson for us all there, I think.
35:50Are you all right?
35:59It's the pig.
36:01You've not cooked it for long enough.
36:03Hey, I know how to cook a pig.
36:05If Squirrel hadn't taken it for free out of the rubbish bin,
36:08they would be OK.
36:10Oh!
36:11So, is this true?
36:13It should be fine.
36:15I've been eating food out of bins for weeks in Benidorm.
36:18There's nothing wrong with me.
36:20Oh!
36:21Let's leave him, Dr. Mateo.
36:23Move that pig.
36:25Let's leave him, Dr. Mateo.
36:27Move that pig.
36:28And anyone who's eaten that pork,
36:31keep out of the pool!
36:41I'm all right, I'm all right.
36:43I knew it wasn't a real shock.
36:45We must get you to a doctor. I think you're in shock.
36:48I said I'm fine.
36:50Where's that dick?
36:52I'm going to knock him out.
36:54Let's just go.
36:55Come here, you!
36:56Calm down, big fella. It was just a joke.
36:58Just a joke?
36:59You know what your problem is, don't you?
37:01You've got no sense of humour.
37:03Yeah? And you'll have no sense of smell
37:05when I spread your nose across your face.
37:11Michael, are you OK?
37:14Come on, let's go.
37:16I said let's go.
37:21What's wrong with you?
37:23Why are we going?
37:25She was fit.
37:44Right, well, I can't track down Cyril anywhere.
37:49I suppose it's understandable that he's lying low.
37:52He should be strung up from the nearest palm tree for what he's done.
37:55Please, Leslie, let's not get hysterical.
37:58What if it was me who caught the smelly pig and not Squirrel?
38:01Would I be OK to lie on the low for a while?
38:04No, I would be carrying the sack.
38:06I couldn't have put it better myself.
38:09Well, I could have done that, but I'm out, you know.
38:11Look, I agree, Mr Babcock has put us in a very tricky situation.
38:16And when the head office find out, my job will be on the line.
38:21Somebody has to take responsibility for this.
38:25But I'm sorry, that person is not going to be Squirrel.
38:28I mean, Cyril.
38:30I make no apologies, I'm going to be straight with you.
38:33I don't normally talk about my personal life,
38:36but I've let that man walk out of my life twice now.
38:40And I'm not going to let it happen a third time.
38:44Maybe we could blame it on Jesus.
38:46What? You mean like an act of God?
38:48Oh, my Jesus, the soft lad that works in maintenance.
38:51Jesus bless you.
38:54I will be taking full responsibility for this incident.
38:58I'll make out a full report and email it to head office now.
39:03If they get rid of me, I'll go.
39:08But at least I won't go alone.
39:18I'm not alone.
39:20I'm not alone.
39:22I'm not alone.
39:24I'm not alone.
39:26I'm not alone.
39:28I'm not alone.
39:30I'm not alone.
39:32I'm not alone.
39:34I'm not alone.
39:36I'm not alone.
39:38I'm not alone.
39:40I'm not alone.
39:42I'm not alone.
39:44I'm not alone.
39:46I'm not alone.
39:52Just tell me how much it was.
39:55I'm going to find out when the statement comes in anyway.
39:58No, cos you'll just kick off.
39:59And it doesn't matter because I'm going to get the money back anyway.
40:01If you're going to get the money back, why don't you just...
40:05Here we go again.
40:16It's a good job you didn't have any of that pork, ma'am.
40:18You'd have been crippled with your funny stomach.
40:20I never go near pork. Disgusting animals.
40:23Do you have bacon?
40:25Bacon doesn't count.
40:26You've got to have a bit of bacon with your breakfast.
40:28And you like gammon?
40:29I like a bit of gammon.
40:32And what about pork sausages?
40:34Well, yeah.
40:35Apart from bacon, gammon and sausages.
40:39Apart from those, I wouldn't go anywhere near pork.
40:42You've been quiet. How was the beach?
40:45Yeah, it was all right.
40:47That's it?
40:48What do you want me to say? It's just a beach.
40:50All right, misery.
40:52HE SINGS
40:54I'm burning through the sky here
40:58200 degrees at night
41:00Jesus.
41:03I don't know why he doesn't spend the night in the...
41:06More or less house.
41:07Don't stop me, don't stop me, don't stop me
41:10Hey, hey, hey!
41:12Don't stop me, don't stop me
41:14Well, I would love to know what went on down at that beach.
41:17You've not said a word since you've come back.
41:19You look like your dad when I backed his porsche into the swimming pool.
41:22Don't ever, ever say I look like my dad.
41:24No.
41:25You take after your mum
41:27when it comes to your beautiful face, don't you?
41:29Shut up!
41:31How's that pork not affected you?
41:33I'm fine.
41:35I know. I was asking out.
41:37You've always had a strong constitution, haven't you, bub?
41:39I suppose so, whatever that is.
41:41I feel like I've been flushed out by a diner rod.
41:44Charming.
41:45What was that thing you had when they shoved that hosepipe up your jacksie?
41:48All right, some of us are trying a wee.
41:50Colonic hydrotherapy.
41:52Absolutely horrendous.
41:54All right, I give up.
41:56That white sofa in our conservatory's never looked right since.
41:59How was the spa today?
42:01A bit overkill.
42:03How was the spa today?
42:05A bit overpriced, to be honest. Mind you, I didn't have...
42:07Oh, oh, oh, hug that fool!
42:13Anyone for pudding?
42:25Hey, hey, hey!
42:29I like it!
42:31Good time, good time.
42:33Don't stop me, don't stop me.
42:35Oh, yeah!
42:41Amazing. I feel like a new man.
42:43Told you. The high after a good training session is like nothing else on Earth.
42:46Well, nearly.
42:48I'd go easy on them spuds, though.
42:50Best to avoid carbs until you lose a bit of weight.
42:53You're joking. My body is a highly tuned machine.
42:56I need to fuel the furnace.
42:58Oh!
43:00Are you all right? Yeah, I'm fine.
43:02It's just a food stitch. I'll work through it.
43:10Mr Perseverance, you are OK?
43:12I'm fine.
43:14You will not lose your job. We will make sure of this.
43:17It's not that, it's...
43:23Jess? Nothing.
43:25You have not heard from Squirrel?
43:27No, Matteo, I have not heard from Squirrel.
43:30He is just, as you say, lying on the law.
43:33He will come back.
43:35I hope so.
43:37I really do hope so.
43:47That's life!
43:49You have not heard anything more from that Dr Kundu?
43:53He knows he's in the wrong.
43:55He's lucky I'm not suing him from arsehole to breakfast time.
43:58I'm just glad we're all together and that you're in good health.
44:01Good health? I'll outlive the lot of you.
44:04Why do I not doubt that?
44:11Excuse me? I think I'm wanted.
44:18Yeah, by who?
44:20We haven't found out yet.
44:24Excuse me, my girl?
44:26Are you Jenna?
44:28You are. You left your shirt.
44:30Ah, right.
44:32Do you want a drink?
44:34Oh, no, I have to go. My uncle, he is waiting for me.
44:37But maybe you'll come by the beach again tomorrow?
44:40Yeah, yeah, that sounds cool.
44:42Cool.
44:50Just don't say anything.
44:52Oh, God.
44:55I feel absolutely wiped out.
44:57Slug.
44:59I beg your pardon?
45:01Have I missed something?
45:11There you go, boys. You deserve these drinks after all your hard work today.
45:15Thanks, Leslie. I feel like a new man.
45:17Sure do I, but where do you find one around here, eh?
45:20Oh, dear.
45:24I just pick myself up and get back in the race...
45:29Oh, it's my dad's favourite song, this is.
45:31I never heard it before.
45:33I'm joking. It's Frank Sinatra.
45:35Oh, yeah.
45:37He was his favourite.
45:39I remember my dad had this signed album of his and on it was written,
45:43May you live to be 100 and may the last voice you hear be mine.
45:46Huh?
45:48What was that other one he did?
45:50Was it Kinky Boots?
45:52No, hang on a minute, that was his daughter, Nancy.
45:55Kenneth.
45:57Kenneth, are you all right?
46:08My, my...
46:23My, my...
46:34Yeah...
46:52Yeah...