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Short filmTranscript
00:00Oh, I think it's lovely.
00:30Did you ever think you'd be a father at your age?
00:34It's not me who's a father, it's Troy.
00:37I've heard of this gay adoption, but what I can't work out is,
00:42when you get the baby, how do you know it's gay?
00:46I've not adopted a baby. I've got a grown-up son. He's 21.
00:50Oh, heck! Oh, it's amazing what they can do these days, isn't it?
00:56She thinks you made him out of sticky bat plastic.
01:00Sorry about that. I had to nip across the road.
01:02A celebration like this calls for champagne.
01:06Come on, now. You shouldn't have dumped that.
01:10Oh, I love champagne.
01:12Be careful now. We don't want it to go everywhere.
01:14Don't think there's much chance of that.
01:15Oh, thank you, Donald.
01:25Cheers!
01:35They're having champagne.
01:37Are they?
01:38Pat Donald's just brought it in.
01:40All right.
01:41What's he got champagne for?
01:44No idea.
01:46Do you think he's won something?
01:48Won't be surprised, jammy sod.
01:51I can't see properly. What do you think he's won?
01:53Nosy Parker of the Year.
01:55You should go over there and tell him he should have come second.
01:58I'm not being nosy. I'm just curious.
02:02Right, what are you two doing?
02:04Bloody hell, I don't remember calling ghostbusters, do you?
02:08Very amusing.
02:10Imagine I need a word.
02:12What about?
02:13We need to tell you something.
02:21Janie, please, give me one more chance.
02:24No, I told you, you sucked.
02:26Please, I have explained. I was in bed all night with a fever.
02:29Oh, I'm sure you were in bed all night.
02:31But now how do you think?
02:33I swear to you, the reason I didn't go to work last night was because I was not well.
02:37Janie, please, I need this job.
02:40Oh, shit, I get changed.
02:42Hey, I didn't say yes yet.
02:47Thanks so much for coming, Kate. It's a shame we can't fly back together.
02:51Well, you have your return ticket paid for. It would be insane to buy another one.
02:55I can't buy another one because I don't have that kind of money.
02:58Well, that's sorted then.
03:00Oh, God, I almost forgot. I've got you something.
03:02Martin, I've got to go.
03:03Wait there one minute.
03:07You ordered a taxi for the airport?
03:09Yes.
03:10South side.
03:21So...
03:42Right, what's going on?
03:45Well, as you both know, I came back to Benidorm with the idea of setting up some kind of business.
03:49Now, I'm sure you'll be the first to point out that so far,
03:52none of my efforts has been a complete success.
03:55Well, apart from the bacon factory in Israel, there's not a lot left for you to do.
03:59So I've decided to think big.
04:00Very brave for a man four foot eight in Cuban heels.
04:03Can we just listen to what he's got to say?
04:05Instead of setting up my own venture, I've decided to buy an established business here in Benidorm.
04:10Can't tell you what it is yet before I've sealed the deal.
04:13But we want you to know that Madge and I are relocating.
04:18Relocating where?
04:20We're buying a business in Benidorm.
04:22Where do you think we're relocating to? Skegness?
04:25I don't understand.
04:26But crying out loud, what's there to understand?
04:28Me and Mel are buying a business and we're staying in Benidorm.
04:32For how long?
04:33Permanently.
04:38You can't just not come home.
04:40We need to discuss it.
04:42Why do we need to discuss it?
04:43What's it got to do with you?
04:48Hello, son. Have you had any breakfast?
04:51What do you think you're doing?
04:53What do you mean?
04:54I've only just been let out of the police station.
04:56I know I was going to pop by this morning,
04:59but I thought it would make more sense to get us two sunbeds.
05:05I've just spent the night in the Spanish cells.
05:07And the best thing you can do to help me is reserve me a sunbed.
05:10Well, I didn't think there'd be Cuban people in the house.
05:13I thought there'd be a lot of people.
05:16Well, I didn't think they'd be keeping you much longer.
05:18I mean, you didn't really do anything, did you?
05:22I spent 36 hours banged up for wasting police time, thanks to you.
05:29Do you want a Cornetto?
05:30I know it's only early, but I've just had one.
05:33You want a Cornetto?
05:35No, I don't.
05:36I don't want anything from you.
05:38That's me and you, finished.
05:39Do you understand?
05:41What about a strawberry, Miffy? You like them.
05:44That's like an ice cream and a nice lolly in one, isn't it?
05:48Are you not listening to me?
05:51It's over. I'm moving out when we get back.
05:54Moving out? Where to? Where will he go?
05:57As far away from you as possible.
06:02What about an ice pop?
06:05There's no calories in an ice...
06:07Pop?
06:07Pop.
06:08Pop.
06:10Pop.
06:14All I'm saying is, it's just a bit sudden.
06:17Maybe you should come home for a couple of weeks and think about it.
06:20Can I live in Spain with you, Nana?
06:22What's the UK got to offer us?
06:24Bad weather, the credit crunch and miserable people.
06:28Why didn't you talk to us?
06:29Hey, look on the bright side.
06:31If they do stay here, that's two less miserable people in the UK.
06:34What business have you brought?
06:36I'm sorry, Janice, we can't discuss that before the papers have been signed.
06:39In fact, we're just off to do that now.
06:41I'll tell you what, Mick will go with you and I'll stay here and talk to my mother.
06:45I'm not staying here. I'm going with Mel.
06:47Well, we'll all go. It'll be a nice day out.
06:51You think I'm spending the last days of my holiday chasing around
06:53after Donald and Ivana Trump? You can piss off.
06:55In fact, I do need you to come with us, Mick.
06:57There are a few things I need to discuss with you.
06:59Forget it. There's a pool through there with my name on it.
07:02Well, I do have to hand over the UK sunbed shops to someone.
07:06Come on, you lot. These papers aren't going to sign themselves, are they?
07:20Oh, there. How's it going?
07:22Voila.
07:24Wink, McAndrew.
07:26What?
07:27Wink, McAndrew.
07:29I don't know what that is.
07:31I don't know what that means.
07:32No, man. That's my name. Wink, McAndrew.
07:37Are you speaking English?
07:38Course I'm speaking English, you numpty.
07:40I should have arrived on the coach, but there was a problem with my flight.
07:44I'm sorry. This just sounds like a noise to me.
07:47You've got to be joking me. You never had a Glaswegian booked in.
07:51Still just a noise.
07:55You all right, pal?
07:57Eh?
07:58Oh, stop.
07:59You're a wee bit jumpy, lad.
08:01You sure you're OK?
08:04Look, I tell you what, I'll check in later, eh?
08:07I could do with a drink now anyway.
08:09No hard feelings, eh?
08:15Get some every time. I love it.
08:17Ah!
08:24So, Troy having a son must have come as a bit of a shock to you, Gavin.
08:29Yes, you could safely say my gob has never been more smacked.
08:33So has your son got a boyfriend?
08:35He's got a girlfriend. He's straight.
08:38Oh, I am sorry. Still, it's a free country.
08:42I say, live and let live.
08:44Donald Stewart as a live and breathe!
08:48I don't believe it!
08:51Wink McAndrew!
08:53What on earth are you doing here?
08:55Sun, sea, sangria and...
08:57Oh, hello there.
09:00You must be Donald's better half.
09:02Wink, this is my wife Jacqueline.
09:04Jacqueline, this is an old friend of mine, Wink McAndrew.
09:07The latter, I'm sure.
09:09The latter, I'm sure.
09:11My God, Stewport, you always did get the stunners.
09:16And these are our friends, Gavin and Troy.
09:18Good to know you boys.
09:19Ah!
09:22Get some every time!
09:24It's homemade, 150 volts.
09:27Cannae buy them in the shops.
09:28God, it must be, what, 20 years?
09:31And the rest.
09:32Still, you don't look a day over 70.
09:35Are you still in ladies' underwear?
09:36No, no, I haven't had the market stall for a few years now.
09:40I run an online joke shop now.
09:43Never a dull moment.
09:44That's a matter of opinion.
09:46Right, same again, I assume.
09:48Before that, though, been a long flight.
09:52So I'd better give Mr Squawk some air.
10:00What's that, Mr Squawk?
10:02You've had a long flight and you're feeling a wee bit...
10:05...peckish.
10:30I think you've got more than a mouthful there, Mr Squawk.
10:33You're a naughty bird, a naughty bird.
10:36Right, drink!
10:37You're a naughty bird, Mr Squawk.
10:41I'll give you a hand.
10:44Fasten your seatbelts, boys.
10:46It's gonna be a bumpy ride.
10:49LAUGHTER
11:02Mother, you look ridiculous sitting back there.
11:05Anybody would think you couldn't walk.
11:07I couldn't care less what people think.
11:10You could have at least blacked out the windows.
11:12It's a mobile showroom.
11:14What's the point of a mobile showroom when you haven't got a shop?
11:17Honestly, this is embarrassing.
11:20We should have rented a car.
11:22I've had it made, so we're using it.
11:26Where are we going, anyway?
11:27I've told you, sign the papers for a new business.
11:30Which is what?
11:31All right, as long as you keep it under your sombrero till we get there.
11:35I don't think there's gonna be many rival entrepreneurs
11:37hanging around at the traffic lights.
11:39Come on, inch I privatise, spill the beans.
11:45See that there?
11:46Yeah, the Benidorm Palace.
11:48What about it?
11:50I'm buying it.
11:52You're buying that?
11:54Certainly am.
11:56Holy moly!
11:58Hallelujah!
12:00Hallelujah!
12:02Hallelujah!
12:04Hallelujah!
12:06Hallelujah!
12:08Hallelujah!
12:10Hallelujah!
12:12Hallelujah!
12:14Hallelujah!
12:16Hallelujah!
12:18Hallelujah!
12:19I tell you what, why don't you both come back home for a week?
12:23We'll weigh up the pros and cons,
12:25and we'll really make sure staying in Spain's the right thing for you.
12:29How many times do you need telling we're staying here?
12:31But what about your house?
12:33You've got two cats.
12:35Mary next door said she'd feed them.
12:37She said she'd feed them for a week.
12:39You can get rid of cats easy.
12:41Your father was forever down the canal with a bag of kittens.
12:44Do you know, I do regret not spending more time with your dad before he died.
12:47He sounds lovely.
12:50Can you lot all pick your feet up?
12:52This fella's a mare, not the kind of man who likes to be kept waiting, I imagine.
12:56Now, according to this, we're only a few streets away.
12:59Mel, what if we find a bar or a cafe and just have a chat about all this?
13:04You're joking. It's a bloody ghost town.
13:06I don't think they have people here, never mind a cafe.
13:08Oh, look if you weren't here on Friday.
13:10We're having a re-enactment of the battle of the Moors and the Christians.
13:13We wouldn't have been able to get down these streets.
13:22What the hell is it today?
13:52I sometimes wonder if life really is worth living.
14:00Right, I don't mean to be rude, but I'm pretty depressed as it is.
14:04I'm not sure I want this conversation.
14:06Oh, did I say that out loud?
14:10Yes.
14:17Do you know I've never had a girlfriend?
14:20Really?
14:22No, not a proper one.
14:26Richard Burton said,
14:29unless you love someone, nothing much makes sense.
14:33I suppose he would have known.
14:38What happened with your missus?
14:40Sorry?
14:42She was here yesterday. Has she gone home again?
14:45Yeah, just came to lend me some money and help me get a new passport.
14:49She came all the way out here to do that?
14:51Yeah, she did.
14:53Bloody hell, you don't get many like that.
14:56No, you don't.
15:05Are you going to the bar? I'll come with you.
15:08No, I'm going to the airport.
15:19Hold it!
15:22He might have Asperger's.
15:24Jo at work, she thinks her son's got it.
15:27It's so ridiculous,
15:29these elaborate names they give for so-called illnesses these days.
15:33He is an annoying twat.
15:37Jo's son is an annoying twat.
15:40Winker Watson, or whatever his name is,
15:42is a slightly larger annoying twat.
15:44Diagnosis complete.
15:45Who are you texting?
15:47Jamie.
15:47He's got some time off work.
15:49Him and the girlfriend are thinking of having a couple of days away somewhere.
15:52Just giving him some suggestions.
15:54What about...
15:55What?
15:57Well, this holiday was free.
16:00Yeah?
16:01No, it's a bad idea.
16:04What, to come here?
16:05Not exactly.
16:06I've always wanted to spend a few days in Alicante.
16:09Can't afford it.
16:11No, you're right, we can't afford it.
16:17Hi, is Jamie there, please?
16:27It's...
16:30It's his dad.
16:34So, here on your own?
16:36Aye, aye, my wife died in 2001.
16:40Oh, I'm sorry to hear that.
16:42You think rewiring a satellite dish would be a straightforward job?
16:46No.
16:48Oh, dear.
16:50Aye, the worst part about it was all the accusations.
16:52What accusations?
16:54Oh, you know, you forced her up there.
16:57You never liked her.
16:58You must have realised she was still on the roof when you took away the ladder.
17:03So, Wink, that's an unusual name.
17:08It's not my real name.
17:10No, no, that's a nickname.
17:12See, when I was a wee boy, I had a rather unfortunate facial tick.
17:17People thought I was winking at them,
17:19but it was only a slight spasm round the eye,
17:21which disappeared when I got older,
17:23but for some reason, the name stuck.
17:26How?
17:26Oh, see, like that.
17:29Like what?
17:31You just did it.
17:34Did what?
17:36You just did it again.
17:38Did what again?
17:39Aye.
17:40Aye, love.
17:41Aye, yeah.
17:42Here we go.
17:43This should keep us going till this evening.
17:46That's the stuff, big man.
17:48I'll get torn into one of them, then I'd better go and check in.
17:51No mustard, no?
17:52Absolutely.
17:53I'll just get it back in a tick.
17:57Aye.
18:09Have you seen your mum outside?
18:14Have you?
18:15Yeah.
18:16She said you've had an argument.
18:17If you've come here to have a go at me, then...
18:19I haven't come to have a go at you.
18:21Chill out.
18:26Your mum's nice enough,
18:28but I can see how she'd do you head in after a bit.
18:30You can say that again.
18:33You probably just need a bit of space.
18:36Yeah, well, she can have all the space she likes.
18:39I'm moving out when I get back.
18:42Wish I could move out.
18:44No chance of me getting a place on my own, though.
18:46And I wouldn't want to share with someone I didn't know.
18:53Well, what do you want to share with?
18:55I don't know.
18:56Not that fussed.
18:58Somebody I get on with.
18:59Somebody I can trust.
19:01Somebody who likes kids.
19:06What are you grinning at?
19:07Nothing.
19:09I'm going to go get a drink.
19:10Do you want one?
19:11Yeah, I'd love one.
19:13Will you keep an eye on my son?
19:14Definitely.
19:17I love kids, me.
19:20What?
19:21Nothing.
19:29What do you reckon?
19:32She didn't get her work out?
19:39Keep moving forward.
19:41How are we supposed to manage that?
19:43Mother, where are you?
19:45I'm over here.
19:47Where?
19:48Put your foot down, princess.
19:50You'll soon scatter them.
19:52Will you get up, Miss Piggy?
19:54Where?
20:09That's it.
20:10That's the building at the top.
20:12Come on, hurry up.
20:14I think that it is.
20:16I can't get forward.
20:18Hang on.
20:19Wait for me.
20:21Help!
20:23Are you serious?
20:25Why not?
20:26I don't know.
20:28What don't you know?
20:28Well, if it'd work.
20:30We hardly know each other.
20:32There's one way to find out.
20:34Well, it might be a bit weird.
20:36Why?
20:39Cos.
20:40Cos what?
20:42Just flatmates, yeah.
20:44Whatever you want.
20:46You'll probably change your mind when we get back home.
20:48I doubt it.
20:52I know a good thing when I see it.
20:54Oh, there you are.
20:56I won't disturb you.
20:58I just wanted to make sure you're alright.
21:04I think it's time we got some dinner, ain't it?
21:06You two get something.
21:08I don't want to get on your nerves any more
21:10than I have done, son.
21:12Come on, let's all go.
21:14We can tell you about an idea we've had.
21:16Oh, I do hope you two have decided
21:18to have another go.
21:20Can't tell you how disappointed he was
21:22when the last girl he went out with
21:24turned out to be a fella.
21:38I'm sorry!
21:40I'm sorry!
21:42I'm sorry!
21:58Who are we waiting to see?
22:00We're in the Mayor's office.
22:02Who do you think we're waiting to see for the bloody Christmas?
22:04Well, I don't know.
22:07Is the Mayor
22:09the owner of the Benidorm Palace?
22:11No, I went to see them this morning.
22:13I've to have some papers signed by the Mayor
22:15to say the deal can go through.
22:17Oh, right.
22:19Well, thanks for bloody waiting for me!
22:27Sit down, will you?
22:29I don't need you to mess this up.
22:31I'm sure you'll do that very well on your own.
22:33Were you okay, Dad? Did you have to fight the soldiers?
22:35It's exciting.
22:37Who have you been fighting?
22:39You couldn't fight for breath.
22:41Listen, I've had just about enough of you for one day.
22:43Sorry!
22:45You should have come on me own
22:47if you balled this up for me.
22:49Esmelle Hardley?
22:53Mel Harvey.
22:55Ah, yes.
22:57The Deputy Mayor will see you now.
22:59Deputy Mayor?
23:01I thought you went to see the Mayor.
23:04Shut up!
23:06Right, you lot stay here.
23:10Where do you think you're going?
23:12You might need back-up.
23:14Back-up?
23:16Where do you think it is, Starsky and Hutch?
23:24Mmm, si, si, si.
23:26Si, si.
23:30Right, leave this to me.
23:32He's more experimental than Mediterranean's.
23:34His English is probably very bad.
23:36It'll only confuse him if more than one of us speaks.
23:38Si.
23:40Vale.
23:42Adios.
23:44I'm sorry about that.
23:46Some dickhead has dumped
23:48a 20-foot-high motorbike
23:50outside my caravan
23:52almost a week ago,
23:54and the council are refusing to shift it.
23:56Honestly, if you try and get anything done round here,
23:58it's like waiting for bloody Godot.
24:02Right.
24:04How can I help you?
24:18Kate!
24:20Oh, sorry.
24:22Sorry, I wasn't expecting...
24:24that.
24:26I mean, I thought you were somebody else.
24:29Kate!
24:31Kate.
24:33What are you doing here?
24:35I need to speak to you.
24:37My plane leaves in 20 minutes.
24:39Please, this won't take long.
24:41I really have to go.
24:43I can't miss this flight.
24:45Please, just hear me out.
24:49Kate, I want us to try again.
24:51Martin.
24:53No, let me finish.
24:55I know it won't be easy,
24:58but I'm not suggesting I should move back in straight away.
25:00I just think if we give each other some space
25:02and take it one day at a time...
25:04Martin.
25:06I'm seeing somebody.
25:10What, a psychiatrist?
25:12Beg your pardon?
25:14Sorry, what do you mean?
25:16I mean, I'm seeing somebody else.
25:20What, you mean a man?
25:22Yes, a man.
25:24You didn't think I meant a woman, did you?
25:26You're seeing a man?
25:28Yes. I tried to tell you yesterday,
25:30but, well,
25:32I didn't seem to find the right moment.
25:34I don't understand.
25:36Why did you come all the way out here?
25:38Because you need my help.
25:40And I still care for you.
25:42You care for me?
25:44Of course.
25:46That's where it ends.
25:48That's where it ends.
25:51I wish it had been a woman.
25:53At least then it would have been a bit...
25:55sexy.
25:57Martin, I have to go.
26:03Martin?
26:05I love you, Kate.
26:07I'm sorry.
26:21I suppose
26:23we could always move out here.
26:25It'd be a shame for you
26:27not to see Michael grow up.
26:31I could get a little job out here.
26:33What could you do out here?
26:35I'm not sure.
26:37Maybe I could get a little job
26:39working for somebody I know.
26:41How on earth would you do that?
26:43You don't know anybody here.
26:45Oh, I'm sorry about this, fellas.
26:47I know it's here somewhere.
26:49Only you can't hear yourself think
26:51with all that silly bollocks going on.
26:55It's the reenactment of the battle
26:57between the Moors and the Christians, isn't it?
26:59Oh, I haven't a clue.
27:01They have festivals for looking left
27:03and looking right here.
27:05It's my brother-in-law who's the mayor
27:07and I'm just filling in while he's out there
27:09with them silly buggers
27:11knocking seven bells of shite out of each other.
27:14Now, let's have a look at this.
27:16Yes, now this is the one.
27:18Now, if I sign this,
27:20I need you
27:22to do a favour for me.
27:24No problem.
27:26My father used to hold a position in local government.
27:28I know how things work. Name your price.
27:30Oh, put your money away, you silly bugger.
27:32I need you to help me get rid of this bloody bike
27:34from outside my house.
27:36Oh, right.
27:38Now, you won't believe this,
27:40but they drove up on this ridiculous bike
27:42outside my caravan, jumped off it,
27:44went straight through the roof.
27:46Get away.
27:48I'm serious.
27:50Then they busted the lock on my front door
27:52to get out.
27:54It's going to cost me about, oh, 800 euros
27:56to get everything fixed.
27:58What are people like these days?
28:00Probably kids.
28:02No, I don't think it's kids.
28:04There was a sign on the bike.
28:06Probably just random advertising
28:08as though it had anything to do with the owners of the bike.
28:11It was for one of those mobility scooter shops
28:13on the beach.
28:15There was a picture of a little gnome on it.
28:17A gnome?
28:19I mean,
28:21a gnome.
28:23That's unusual.
28:25I went down to the shop. It was all burnt out.
28:27Honestly,
28:29the number of clowns who come over here
28:31trying to set up businesses,
28:33they don't know their arse from their elbow.
28:37There we are.
28:39Now, that's for you.
28:41Let's go.
28:55Careful, you nearly knocked that one over.
28:57No, no, I know what I'm doing.
29:09ANGELIC CHOIR SINGS
29:35That's a big bugger, isn't it?
29:38We might have to come back later in the week
29:40with the tour up, if that's all right.
29:42Oh, yeah, no problem.
29:44You know where I am now.
29:46All right, see you later.
29:48And don't forget,
29:50we won't.
29:52All the best.
30:08MUSIC
30:12Hey,
30:14the Pope definitely didn't come.
30:16I don't know.
30:18Hey,
30:20Mother Teresa from Calcutta is still alive.
30:24MUSIC
30:27Tell me,
30:29when will you be mine?
30:33Tell me,
30:35Gwando, Gwando, Gwando
30:37I wouldn't have been able
30:39to sleep tonight
30:41if I'd left you moping around on your own.
30:43I'm really OK.
30:45I told her to leave you alone,
30:47but she went having none of it.
30:49My husband always said
30:51a troubled heart is a problem shelved.
30:53I mean,
30:55a troubled shelved is a problem halved.
30:57No, that's not right.
30:59Well, anyway,
31:01he also said
31:03a bird with one hand
31:05is worth two
31:07in your bush.
31:09And I think it's at times like this
31:11it's worth keeping
31:13that in mind.
31:15MUSIC
31:19So is there any chance you might sort it out
31:21when you get back home?
31:24I think it's pretty much beyond that.
31:26Well, you say that,
31:28but you never know.
31:30I mean, look at Charles and Diana.
31:34MUSIC
31:38Have you got him settled?
31:40Yeah, it was off before we got there.
31:42You're going to miss that creche, aren't you?
31:44Well, don't worry.
31:46Baby Coolio's always got his grandma to look after him.
31:48Yeah.
31:50Erm,
31:52I'm thinking of moving out.
31:54What?
31:56Where are you going?
31:58I'm just thinking about it.
32:00That's right. Bugger off and leave your mother
32:02right when she needs you.
32:04You're one to talk.
32:06When did all this come about, sweetheart?
32:08Oh, no. I know what she's up to.
32:10She wants to come here and live with us.
32:12As if.
32:14Well, you can frig off.
32:16Two's company, three's a crowd.
32:18Not to mention that child of yours.
32:21I'll probably sort you out in a little flat somewhere, darling.
32:23Where do you want to go?
32:25Mum, are you all right?
32:27Bloody hell, Janice, what's wrong?
32:29Why is everybody leaving me?
32:31What have I done to you all?
32:33Hey, nobody's leaving you. Don't be daft.
32:35I want you to be happy, Mother,
32:37but it's just ridiculous you're not coming home again.
32:39What about all the things in your house?
32:41You haven't thought it through.
32:43I've told you, you can take what you want from the house.
32:45The council will dump the rest when they get the house back.
32:47I don't want anything from your house.
32:49I just want you.
32:51Christ knows why.
32:53Don't ask me to explain it,
32:55but I just don't want you to go.
32:57It's not my fault you've got no friends.
32:59All right, that's enough.
33:01Come on, Jan, we'll go for a drink in the other bar.
33:03I don't want to go for a drink in the other bar.
33:05I'll be all right.
33:07I'm not going right away.
33:09I was just thinking about it.
33:11You should do what you want, sweetheart.
33:13You're a grown woman now.
33:15Sometimes forget.
33:18Don't upset me, darling.
33:20You've got your own life now.
33:22I was just being selfish.
33:24Oh, the penny drops.
33:26Madge!
33:28You know I'll help you
33:30any way I can, sweetheart,
33:32but believe me,
33:34there's nobody who can look after a daughter
33:36like a mother can.
33:38Is that right?
33:44Back in a minute.
33:48You OK?
33:50Yeah, sure.
33:54What was it all about?
33:56I don't know. I couldn't hear.
33:58Well, you're closer than me.
34:00I know, but it's difficult to eavesdrop
34:02on a conversation when the person next to you
34:04keeps saying, what are they saying?
34:06What are they saying?
34:08Hello, boys.
34:10How are you? You all right?
34:12Never better. You ready for a fun-filled evening?
34:14It's going to be a hilarious night tonight, I can tell you that.
34:17Really? Why's that? Are you leaving?
34:19Eh? Nothing.
34:21Oh, I think someone's waving at you.
34:23Ah, come over and join us later.
34:25I'd rather die.
34:27T-T-F-N-F-U-C-K-U!
34:29Ha ha ha!
34:33Hey, I've been looking everywhere for you.
34:35Oh!
34:37I'm awfully flattered, but you're not really my type.
34:39Ha ha ha!
34:41I have many complaints about you.
34:43About me?
34:45Can you understand him?
34:47I can.
34:49Tell him I have complaints about the man in the dress
34:51who keeps showing his pee-pee to other guests.
34:53I beg your pardon? How dare you?
34:55You know, that kind of accusation can land you in a lot of trouble.
34:57No, he's quite right.
34:59There you are. You see, you've got the wrong man.
35:01I beg your pardon?
35:03It's only a bit of fun.
35:05Right.
35:07I think maybe you should be careful,
35:09wink my old pal.
35:11As you know, Jacqueline and I are very broad-minded,
35:14but these Latin types are not as free and easy
35:16as you might think.
35:18They can get quite hot under the collar
35:20about this kind of thing.
35:22Is this the offending article?
35:24Oh!
35:26Put it away!
35:28Ha ha ha!
35:30Very funny.
35:32One more complaint, and I'll have to remove you.
35:34Oh, it's very easily removed.
35:36Ah!
35:38Ha ha ha!
35:40I have my eye on you.
35:42Oh, come on.
35:44It's only a joke, pal.
35:46No hard feelings, eh?
35:48Please.
35:50Oh, come on.
35:52Ah!
35:54Ha ha ha!
35:56Ha ha ha!
35:58I can't remember when I had so much fun.
36:00Ha ha ha!
36:02Right, drinks.
36:04Hey!
36:06Jacqueline's suddenly brought up.
36:08It's him.
36:11Who, Wynne?
36:13Yeah.
36:15What about him?
36:17He's been giving me the woolies.
36:19You kept that quiet.
36:21Where was I?
36:23No, I mean, it frightens me.
36:25Why on earth would he do that?
36:27Oh, I don't know.
36:29It's just something about him.
36:31Did you know about his wife?
36:33Carol, yes, of course.
36:35There's nothing sinister about her death.
36:37It was proven in court.
36:39The mushrooms were poisonous.
36:41This was the 70s.
36:43People didn't know about these things.
36:45He said his wife died in 2001
36:47from falling off the roof
36:49after he'd moved the ladders.
36:51Oh, it must be a different wife.
36:57There you go, big man.
36:59Same again
37:01with an added wee kick
37:03from your old pal Wynke.
37:05Don't be asking me what it is, though.
37:08Then I'd have to kill you.
37:22I'm not backing out.
37:24I just think I'd better wait a bit
37:26while my nana and her husband settle over here.
37:28Well, I'm in no rush.
37:30You'd probably better give my mam
37:32a bit more notice as well.
37:34So...
37:36Maybe, I don't know,
37:38a couple of months?
37:40Maybe three?
37:42Three months, six months, whatever.
37:44Some good things are worth waiting for.
37:46What do you mean, sharing a flat?
37:48I mean you.
38:06I'd better get back.
38:08You coming?
38:10I'll be there in a minute.
38:12OK.
38:14You all right?
38:16Yeah, I'm fine.
38:18All right.
38:20See you later.
38:22Yeah, see you in a bit.
38:36Let's give him a big hand,
38:38ladies and gentlemen.
38:40The boy from nowhere,
38:42Sean Foster Connolly.
38:48OK, cracking straight on with the karaoke,
38:50first cap off the rank
38:52is Wynke Mac Andrews.
38:54I can't be right.
38:56Terrible handwriting.
38:58Singing the proclaimers,
39:00I would walk on the road
39:02and I would walk on the road
39:05and I about talking the same as
39:07I would walk 500 miles.
39:09Let's hear it for him!
39:19Who's this knobhead?
39:21That's the bloke I complained about
39:23earlier waving his bits around in reception.
39:25I thought it looked too big to be real.
39:27I didn't.
39:29When I wake up...
39:31No!
39:44Cut the music, cut the music, me tail get up here.
39:47Oh!
39:49I'll bring him up.
39:51What's the matter with him?
39:53Hey, hey, where's he been?
39:55He's dead?
39:57Dead? He can't be dead.
39:59He only touched the mic stand.
40:03Maybe he isn't dead, but he definitely is not alive.
40:05It's probably for the best.
40:11Bring him up to me.
40:16Yeah, yeah, I said...
40:19Oi!
40:21Oi!
40:23Oi!
40:25Sorry about that, ladies and gentlemen.
40:27Slight technical itch there.
40:29He's, er...
40:31He's perfectly all right.
40:33Just a minor problem.
40:35Static electricity.
40:37His nylon penis brushed against the mic stand.
40:41Give him a bit of a belt.
40:43Yeah, erm...
40:45Right, what's up next?
40:47Oh, yes, we have our old friends.
40:49Marge and Mel Harvey.
40:51Let's give them a big hand.
40:55APPLAUSE
41:05Just before we sing, there's a small announcement I'd like to make.
41:09I want to thank all who attended the opening of Mel's Mobility Shop.
41:14It was a memorable occasion, I'm sure you'll all agree.
41:17But I'm a great believer in signs,
41:19and I think that place burning to the ground
41:21was a sign that the mobility business won for me.
41:24But I'm pleased to announce my latest business adventure.
41:28Every princess deserves a palace.
41:31And that's why I brought Marge a video.
41:34The Benidorm Palace.
41:36Yes, that's right, folks.
41:38Marge and I, the new proprietors
41:40of the number one entertainment venue on the Costa Blanca.
41:43Some would say the whole of Europe.
41:45By the time we finish with it, probably the world.
41:48It'll take me a few weeks to lick the dancing girls into shape
41:51and grab a few tits on...
41:54..tips on being in show businesses.
41:56I'm sorry that didn't exactly come out as I meant it.
42:00But for now, we'd like to sing this song
42:02for Mick, Janice, Michael and Sal.
42:06MUSIC PLAYS
42:08MUSIC CONTINUES
42:15Blue Spanish eyes
42:23Tears are falling from your Spanish eyes
42:33Please, please don't cry
42:42This is just a yes and not a why
42:51Soon I'll return
42:59Bringing you all the love your heart can buy
43:08Please, say you see
43:17Say you and those Spanish eyes will wait for me
43:26Ah
43:31Blue Spanish eyes
43:40Pretty as dyes in warm or blessed gold
43:49True Spanish eyes
43:58Please cry for me much more before I go
44:07Soon I'll return
44:15Bringing you all the love your heart can buy
44:24Please, say you see
44:33Say you and those Spanish eyes will wait for me
44:42You and those Spanish eyes will wait for me
44:53APPLAUSE
44:58MUSIC CONTINUES
45:11MUSIC CONTINUES