Category
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Short filmTranscript
00:00♪
00:30Next.
00:35Two pieces of chicken and two burgers, love.
00:38No more chicken, just burgers.
00:40Okay, two burgers then.
00:42You?
00:44Two of your finest mystery meat burgers, please, garcon.
00:47Ooh, just in the nick of.
00:50Actually, can you make it four burgers if you've got no chicken?
00:56Okay.
00:57Sorry, no burgers.
00:59Excuse me, I think you'll find those two are my burgers.
01:02She's having four.
01:03The lady you referred to ordered two, then I ordered two.
01:05I'm having four.
01:06Sorry, no burgers.
01:08Now, look, she changed her mind after I placed my order for the two remaining.
01:11Oh, shut up, whining fatty.
01:13I'm in front of you and I've ordered the last four burgers.
01:16I'm sorry, what did you call me?
01:18She called you fatty.
01:19I was asking her.
01:20I called you fatty.
01:22Have you got a problem with that?
01:25Fancy having lovely brown hair and dyeing your roots grey.
01:45How's it going?
01:47Yeah, can't complain.
01:49Bottle of beer, please.
01:51Can't complain.
01:53Bottle of beer, please.
01:54Hey, Jeff, how are you?
01:57Late night, last night.
01:59No, really early one, actually.
02:02Really early.
02:04Jeff had a big date last night.
02:06I didn't have a date.
02:08Last night in the old town.
02:11Lovely romantic dinner he was having.
02:14It wasn't a romantic dinner.
02:16It was...
02:18It was a business meeting.
02:20I must say, we didn't really have you down as the broad-minded type.
02:25Is she pre-op or actually in transition?
02:32Oh, God.
02:35Bless him, he's gone all shy.
02:37I don't know.
02:38Young love makes them all giddy, doesn't it?
02:41Right, sunbeds.
02:47Excuse me, is this seat free?
02:49As far as I know.
02:50Oh, cheers.
02:52Bottle of beer, please.
03:00Oh, no, sorry, I didn't mean to be rude.
03:03Are you Mel?
03:05Yeah, have we met?
03:06No.
03:07Well, how do you know who I am?
03:09Lucky guess.
03:11That and the 30-foot-high poster you advertise in your shop
03:15as you're driving to Benidorm.
03:16Oh, yeah, forgotten about that.
03:19How is the mobility business?
03:21Been better.
03:23Yeah, I know how difficult it can be.
03:25I'm in business myself.
03:26Oh, yeah.
03:27What are you in?
03:29Spanish property.
03:34Really?
03:35So she got the last four?
03:37Yes.
03:38Was she only ordered two to begin with?
03:39Yes, I know.
03:41She can't change her order after you've got the last two.
03:43Are you just going to repeat everything I've said to you
03:45only in a slightly higher voice?
03:46Greedy cow, who's she with?
03:48The Costa Blanca Charm School.
03:49How do I know?
03:50All right, no need to bite my head off.
03:52I might have to.
03:53There's nothing else to eat around here.
04:05What were you looking at?
04:06Sorry.
04:08You don't have to apologise.
04:11Sorry, I'm not very exciting today,
04:13but you really tired me out last night.
04:15I'm sorry about that.
04:17I can witter on sometimes.
04:19Oh, right, you mean sex-wise.
04:21Oh, brilliant.
04:23Yeah.
04:24Did you hear them banging next door?
04:26No.
04:27Gosh, it sounds like everybody was at it last night.
04:29I think it was a full moon or something.
04:31No, I mean they were banging on the wall for us to keep the noise down.
04:34Oh, I see.
04:35Excellent.
04:36Well, they don't call me...
04:41..loud sex Martin for nothing, you know.
04:51They don't really call me that, you know.
04:53I didn't think they did.
04:58Do you have to, the pair of you?
05:02Leave us alone, we're on holiday.
05:05Are you all right, man?
05:07No, I'm not. I'm very loose.
05:10Oh.
05:11Well, don't spare us any details, will you?
05:13It's freezing in there.
05:14Well, there you are. Look, your towel's down there.
05:16Hey, tell.
05:17Turn Cooley all round, I can't see him.
05:20Oh, just look at him.
05:23I don't think I've ever seen a more beautiful baby.
05:26Oh.
05:27You obviously haven't seen pictures of me as a baby then.
05:30You and her.
05:33You were never a bonny baby.
05:35Thanks.
05:36Your head was too big.
05:37You used to get stopped in the street,
05:39people didn't know what to make of you.
05:41Hat stand?
05:42I used to say to them,
05:43there's nothing wrong with her, she'll grow into it.
05:46And she did.
05:48Big feet as well, for a child.
05:50Why don't we try for another baby?
05:52I wouldn't mind how big it's head was.
05:54Another baby?
05:55Yeah, that's just what we need right now.
05:58I didn't say have another baby, I just said try for one.
06:01Stop it!
06:02She'll never be able to have another baby at her age.
06:05And if she does, it'll be good night, Irene,
06:07to all her woman spits downstairs.
06:09Oh, for God's sake.
06:11What are you fiddling about with, Michael?
06:14I'm just looking at your scooter.
06:16Well, don't.
06:17It's not a toy, you know.
06:18Go on, get out my road.
06:20It's only looking.
06:22Come and sit with us, Michael.
06:25Although there's not a lot of room over here,
06:27what with your mother's head and her feet.
06:29Piss off.
06:30Here, if you want something to do,
06:32go and ask them over there if they've got anything for the squits.
06:36Do you know, you should run holidays for kids, Madge.
06:38You really know how to keep them entertained.
06:47Listen, Brandy, um...
06:51What?
06:53Well, I just wanted to say, and don't get me wrong,
06:56I like a bit of the old rumpy-pumpy as much as the next man,
06:59but, um...
07:01Go on.
07:02Well, I don't want this to sound corny or sad,
07:06but...
07:08Brandy...
07:12I'm really falling for you.
07:14Really?
07:16Yes, really.
07:20Well, I fell for you the moment I saw you.
07:23So it's nice to hear you're finally catching up.
07:26Excuse me.
07:28Diana said, have you got anything for the squits?
07:39It's absolutely ridiculous.
07:41You can order a sandwich.
07:43I don't want a sandwich.
07:45It's just a bit weird.
07:46I've never been to a barbecue before.
07:48It's always been on all afternoon.
07:50It's only just gone two o'clock.
07:54Look, he's back. I'm going to sort this out.
07:57I agree with him, Gavin.
07:59Let's just go to the Chinese buffet across the road.
08:01Six euros.
08:02Six euros? Haven't you heard there's a credit crunch?
08:11Excuse me, has the barbecue finished?
08:13Si, finished.
08:14But you can still order a salad from the bar.
08:16Ah, yes, of course, salad.
08:17That's the staple of every Benidorm holidaymaker's diet.
08:20Come on, let's go over the road.
08:21I've not paid for an all-inclusive holiday,
08:23for everything to be all-inclusive except the food.
08:25It's free.
08:26How many burgers did you want?
08:28Just two.
08:29There's a woman over there.
08:30She took four, but she's only had two.
08:32Ask her, can you have them?
08:36Right, that does it.
08:40I don't know why I'm still picking. I'm full.
08:42We shouldn't have had such a big breakfast.
08:45So, after all that whining,
08:47you didn't actually want the other two burgers?
08:49What is your problem?
08:50I'll tell you my problem.
08:52Some little piggy with eyes bigger than her belly,
08:54if possible, obviously thinks there's a war on,
08:56and she has to stockpile food she has no intention of eating.
08:59Oh, stick it up your arse.
09:01It's unbelievable.
09:02Hassan didn't even finish the first one.
09:04That's my husband.
09:05Husband? Sorry.
09:06Yeah? What's it got to do with you?
09:08Extremely loyal husband, it would seem,
09:10the way he's courageously jumped to your defence.
09:12Oh, no, my mistake.
09:13He's just sitting there like a rather embarrassed child.
09:16He doesn't speak English.
09:18I think you'll find he probably does.
09:20He's just never been able to get a word in edgeways.
09:23Here's your burger, you big fat puff.
09:26You bitch!
09:28How dare you!
09:29Come on, lady.
09:31Get on with it.
09:32You old shabby...
09:33Get off my husband, you bitch!
09:35Get off me, you big...
09:36Witch!
09:37Get off!
09:38Get off!
09:39Get off!
09:40Get off!
09:41How dare you!
09:42That's enough!
09:43Right.
09:44I...
09:45I don't want to hear another peep out of either of you two,
09:48or your bars.
09:49Do you understand?
09:52Come on, come on.
09:54Hey, rise above her.
09:56Come on, walk away.
09:57There's nothing to see here.
09:59Please, go back to where you came from.
10:01The show is over.
10:04Oh, my God!
10:09Do you know this woman?
10:14You could say that.
10:16She's my daughter.
10:22SHE SIGHS
10:28Who told you we were here?
10:29What do you mean, told me?
10:31If I'd have known you were here, this is the last place I would have come to.
10:34You all right, Mick?
10:35Bloody hell, all right, Valda.
10:37What are you doing here?
10:38Hello, Chantel.
10:39Hello.
10:41That's Deborah and Michael.
10:43Michael, say hello to your Auntie Valda.
10:45Hi, Auntie Valda.
10:47What are you doing here?
10:48What do you think I'm doing here? We're on holiday.
10:50Are we?
10:51Yes, we.
10:52This is my husband.
10:54Vikram.
10:55Your husband?
10:56Mother!
10:57What's his name? Vicky?
10:59Vikram. He's Indian.
11:01Well, I didn't think he was bloody Polish.
11:03And this must be your fancy man. I've heard all about him.
11:06This is my husband.
11:08Excuse me.
11:09Can you take your episode of the Jerry Springer show somewhere else
11:12as you're causing a bottleneck?
11:14Look, why don't we go for a cup of tea inside?
11:16You can leave Vicky here to play with Michael.
11:19Same age.
11:21Right, that's it. Come on, we're going.
11:23This is exactly what I've been avoiding for the last five years!
11:26Hang on, Valda. Wait a minute.
11:35Beer?
11:36Absolutely.
11:41What do you reckon all that was about?
11:44I don't know. Just riff-raff, I think.
11:47You've not said much about your date last night.
11:51I told you it was all right.
11:53I was speaking to that Scottish fella and his wife
11:56in the lifts this morning.
11:58Said they'd bumped into you and your lady friend.
12:02Why?
12:03Yes. Said you made a very nice couple.
12:06Did they?
12:07Said something about her being a bit older than you.
12:11And possibly...
12:14Now, I think the word was pre-operative,
12:19but I don't know what that means.
12:22Look, I met someone on the internet.
12:26We met up and she turned out to be a fella in a dress.
12:30All right? You happy now?
12:33Oh, son, you know you can tell me anything.
12:36And I didn't tell you because it were a misunderstanding.
12:39All right?
12:41I don't fancy men and I certainly don't fancy women who are men.
12:45I mean, men who think they're women.
12:48I mean...
12:49Your dad was big mates with that Danny LaRue.
12:53We went to see him three times in Manchester.
12:58I said to your father,
13:00did you realise it was a fella in a frock when you first met him?
13:06And he said,
13:07when I'd seen 48 and I'd just been demobbed from the Navy,
13:11I was bound to make a few mistakes.
13:21He did have a good sense of humour.
13:26Is that him?
13:28Yeah, that's him. He's in property.
13:30He's over here tying up a few deals and he's off tomorrow.
13:33Marcus Snelling, business intelligence consultant.
13:37What does that mean?
13:39It means he's got his fingers in a lot of pies.
13:42So is he. Doesn't mean you should buy a house off him.
13:46I don't know what you're talking about.
13:48I don't know what you're talking about.
13:50I don't know what you're talking about.
13:52So is he. Doesn't mean you should buy a house off him.
13:55I told him I wasn't interested.
13:57Never shove all your cards at once.
13:59Oh, I'm supposed to be relaxing today.
14:01It's hard to switch off.
14:03You're like me, workaholic.
14:06You all right?
14:08Oh, yeah.
14:09My business associate, Mick Garvey.
14:11Nice to meet you, Mick.
14:13Marcus Snelling.
14:14Yeah, I've heard all about you.
14:16Oh, yeah, you've been talking about me, Mel.
14:18Well, I just mentioned you were in property.
14:20Yeah, it's a real shame it's not your thing.
14:22I've just heard of another property available to me,
14:24but I've only bought the cash to secure the one I knew about.
14:27Shame. Would only take 5,000 euros.
14:29Ah, well, life's a bitch and then you die.
14:33A 90,000-euro guaranteed profit for a 5,000-euro estate.
14:37Basically, it's a licence to print money.
14:40How do you work them figures out?
14:46I've got this estate agent, Craig.
14:50No, you're not interested.
14:52No, we're not interested.
14:54Well, hang on here, you may as well tell us.
14:56He deals with a lot of old biddies that have retired out here
14:58but run out of money.
14:59Now, he offers them a chance of a lifetime.
15:01Sell your house, but still live in it.
15:04You've got a look of Carol Vorderman.
15:06Anybody ever tell you that?
15:08Go on.
15:09He gives them a ridiculously low valuation on their house
15:12and tells them he feels sorry for their predicament
15:14and how the kindness of his heart can put them in touch
15:16with a private cash buyer with no commission to pay
15:19as long as they don't breathe a word of this to the agency.
15:21Now, that is where I come in.
15:24What on earth is that smell?
15:26Oh, yeah, it's bullshit.
15:28Shut up.
15:30I fly over here, bung the estate agent five grand,
15:33take over the deal.
15:35I buy a 200,000-euro house
15:38off a confused little old lady for 60 grand.
15:42I then sell the house to a big property developer here
15:45same day for 150K.
15:47He bites my hand off cos it's still 50K less than the full market value.
15:51He's happy. He's got another property in his portfolio.
15:54And a sitting tenant who's not only paying top-white rent,
15:58will be dead within a couple of years,
16:00leaving him with a house worth even more money.
16:03That is unbelievable.
16:05Yeah, certainly is.
16:07Why don't the estate agent just go directly to the property developer?
16:11Because the estate agent doesn't know who the property developer is.
16:14He's my contact.
16:16Knowledge is everything in this game, Mel.
16:20You're not considering this, are you?
16:22What's it got to do with you?
16:24I thought I was your business associate.
16:26Look, it's not everyone's cup of tea.
16:28You do have to have fairly flexible morals.
16:30Flexible morals?
16:31You make Harold Shipman look like the Flying Doctor.
16:34I've heard enough.
16:37Sorry about him. He's very naive when it comes to business.
16:41Thanks a lot.
16:44Well, anyway, if you feel like turning five grand into eight,
16:47you've got my card.
17:14Mmm.
17:15Mmm.
17:16Missed you, babe.
17:20Gary, what are you doing? You weren't supposed to get here till tomorrow.
17:23Well, I've got a cheap flight.
17:25How's it going?
17:26Everything's sorted. I've been working on the mark.
17:29It'll give me anything I want.
17:30I bet you will.
17:34Anything else?
17:35Yeah.
17:36Staff pass key to every room in the place.
17:41Oh, you little beauty.
18:00So when did you arrive?
18:02We got off the plane about 11 o'clock this morning.
18:04The plane from where?
18:06You don't change, do you, eh?
18:08You're still the same nasty, racist old bag you always were.
18:11What are you talking about? I just asked where you flew from.
18:13How do you put up with it?
18:15How can I be a racialist?
18:17You've seen tells, little one.
18:19Anyway, there's no point trying to avoid them.
18:21These days, they're everywhere.
18:24Did you meet in Manchester?
18:27No.
18:28I was on holiday in India.
18:30We met in Varanasi.
18:32That's where Vikram's family are from.
18:34Oh, right.
18:36You went to India?
18:38Yeah.
18:39For a holiday?
18:40Yes.
18:41To India?
18:42Is she losing her hearing as well as the use of her legs?
18:44There's nothing wrong with me legs.
18:45Well, what are you doing in that wheelchair, then?
18:47Why should I walk around? I'm on me holidays.
18:49I'm entitled to take it easy.
18:51So, can he not speak any English at all?
18:54I feel awful talking about him as if he's not here.
18:57No, we can say hello and goodbye and please and thank you.
19:01Thank you?
19:02Oh, you'll be teaching him to ride a bike next.
19:05What are we doing here, Ray?
19:07I mean, I don't like her. She doesn't like me.
19:09So, what is the point?
19:11We don't have to keep on bumping into each other.
19:13We're only using this as a cheap base to do some sightseeing.
19:16I'm not amusing the facilities, are you?
19:18Sightseeing around here?
19:19Yeah, what about that waterfall place we went to?
19:21That was lovely.
19:22Waste of time.
19:24Which is exactly what this is.
19:25Come on, Vikram.
19:28Well, that's it.
19:29Piss off and abandon me like you did before.
19:32Abandon you?
19:33Are you joking?
19:35Bit of a coincidence that you have been abandoned by me,
19:38Jackie, Cheryl, Mandy, Sharon and Maureen.
19:41People don't abandon you, Mother.
19:44You drive them away.
19:46I know why you're sniffing around here.
19:48You've got wind of my husband's money, haven't you?
19:51Well, you can go and whistle for it.
19:53I'll make sure you never get a penny
19:55and if Mel dies before me, I'll leave it all to the dogs home.
19:59I would not take your money if I was on the bones of me arse,
20:02which is highly unlikely,
20:03as I'm a landlord with 14 houses
20:05and Vikram's going to be a doctor.
20:07A doctor?
20:08What kind of a doctor?
20:09Bloody witch doctor.
20:10He doesn't speak any English.
20:12Bus!
20:15Bus.
20:18Bus.
20:20Where's he want to get a bus to?
20:23It means enough.
20:25Frankly, I think he's got a point.
20:28Come on.
20:33Very difficult smell to get out of furniture.
20:37Curry.
20:47You know, it's Derek's opening gala
20:49for the Middlesbrough Bisexual Leather and Rubber Ball tonight.
20:53Well, we knew that when we took the holiday.
20:56Such a shame.
20:57It'll be the first time we miss gay Derek's openings.
21:00First time we miss gay Derek's openings since the late 80s.
21:04I wonder how he's getting on.
21:06Why don't you give him a ring?
21:08What, at 35 pence a minute?
21:11Oh, yeah.
21:12Mind you, the holiday was free.
21:14Sadly, the point.
21:16Excuse me, I hope you don't think me rude,
21:18but I couldn't help overhearing.
21:20Were you talking about using your UK mobile to phone home?
21:23Yes, it's hellishly expensive.
21:25I think we'll stick to postcards.
21:28Have you ever thought about getting your phone chipped?
21:30Chipped?
21:31Yeah, it's not exactly legal, but it does save you a lot of money.
21:34Oh, yes?
21:35May I?
21:41Is there something wrong?
21:43I don't believe it. This is a C260.
21:45I've not seen one of these for years.
21:47It's quite old.
21:48You, my friends, are in the possession of gold dust.
21:51How do you mean?
21:53I'm in the mobile phone business.
21:55I was going to offer to chip your phone for cheap calls,
21:58but this phone, this is the only mobile
22:01you can still completely bypass the network.
22:05You've lost us.
22:07I can alter this phone for a few quid
22:09to get completely free calls anywhere in the world.
22:11I'll buy this phone off you for 100 euros.
22:13Oh, we've got two of them!
22:15Great! 100 euros apiece!
22:18Hang on, hang on.
22:20200 euros for rare phones
22:22you can get unlimited free international calls from.
22:25We're not as green as we're cabbage-looking.
22:28But you don't know how to alter them.
22:30Knowledge is everything in this game.
22:32I'm sure we'll find somebody back home that can do it.
22:35The Internet's not just for hardcore pornography, you know.
22:39I tell you what, over here they're charging, what,
22:4230 euros each to get them done.
22:44That's if you can find someone to do them for you.
22:47I'll do them both for you for 60 euros.
22:49Oh, yes, please.
22:5150.
22:53Oh, you drive a hot bargain.
22:56All right, you got yourself a deal.
23:01And a receipt.
23:03Naturally.
23:06Receipt.
23:082C260s and 50 euros for, let's call it a...
23:15for, let's call it a repair.
23:19Sign it. There you go.
23:21I think that seems to be in order.
23:23Right, I'll get these phones back to you by tonight, then.
23:26We'll be at Neptune's.
23:28Oh, yeah, Neptune's. Yeah, of course.
23:32Oh, lovely!
23:34Ray Cosby, Cosby Communications.
23:38He describes the phones as gold dust
23:40and then offers us 100 euros each for them.
23:43You'll have to do better than that to pull the wool over my eyes.
23:46Oh, yes.
24:00How are you here?
24:02I've been looking for you.
24:08Michael, are you all right?
24:13How come I keep meeting aunties I didn't know I had?
24:17Because my nana doesn't really talk to them.
24:21But aren't they Nana's daughters?
24:24Yeah.
24:26And the aunties are my mam's sisters.
24:32But if the aunties are my mam's sisters,
24:35then how come they don't talk to my mam either?
24:40Well, they don't talk to my mam cos she talks to my nana.
24:46That's stupid.
24:48Tell me about it.
24:50So, why don't you talk to Culia's dad?
24:52Has that got anything to do with my nana?
24:55Unbelievably, no.
24:58I don't understand why everybody can't just be friends.
25:03Well, it seems like they can't.
25:06Not while my nana's alive, anyway.
25:08Well, that means nobody's ever gonna be friends.
25:11Cos my nana's gonna live forever.
25:14Who told you that?
25:16My nana.
25:23She's always been trouble, Velda.
25:25Always had ideas above her station.
25:28She says she's got 14 houses.
25:30Jesus. I knew she had a few, but not 14.
25:33She had a few, but not 14.
25:35How did you know she had houses?
25:37She went out with Graham Reid for a bit after she divorced...
25:39What's his name? Barry.
25:41No wonder Barry buggered off if she was carrying on with Pakistanis.
25:44That lad was Indian.
25:46Hello.
25:47And she wasn't carrying on with the Indian lad
25:49when she got a divorce from Barry.
25:51Mix just said she was carrying on with Graham Reid.
25:54Who the frig's Graham Reid?
25:56Friend of Mix from rugby.
25:58Married to Jean Reid. Used to be Jean Burger.
26:01I can't listen to any more of this.
26:03Turning my brains to jelly.
26:05All right, I'll come with you.
26:06No, you're all right.
26:08Just want to stretch my legs.
26:10I have a shower. It's a bit hot.
26:12See you later, Mel.
26:13You know what he means about the weather.
26:15This hot sun isn't doing anything for my diarrhoea.
26:18Oh, for God's sake.
26:20I'm off what I drink, Trump.
26:22Say that again.
26:23Aye.
26:24Yes, please.
26:25Much?
26:26Another prune juice?
26:29Oh...
26:42Gracias.
26:45I used to be a barman, you know.
26:47Yes?
26:48Yeah, I worked for Grey Fun.
26:50I used to do a bit of magic behind the bar.
26:53Really?
26:54Oh, yes.
26:55You know magic?
26:57Absolutely.
26:58Do one thing for me.
27:00Oh, I don't really do any more.
27:02One second.
27:03Aye.
27:04Fine for you.
27:07There.
27:08No, no, I haven't done anything for ages.
27:10Yeah, OK.
27:12Hang on a minute.
27:14BELL RINGS
27:26Pick a card.
27:31OK, look at it.
27:33BELL RINGS
27:34Put it back in the pack.
27:37All right.
27:38Ah, wait.
27:40Aight, chuff.
27:41You're not making this easy for me, are you?
27:52Right, now.
27:54I am going to find your card.
28:02Right now, I bet you one euro
28:05the next card that I turn over will be your card.
28:09One euro.
28:10Yeah, sportsman's bet.
28:12BELL RINGS
28:14Maybe we can make the bet more interesting.
28:18Ten euros?
28:19Oh, I don't know about that.
28:21Come on.
28:22You said you were a magician, no?
28:24Oh.
28:25All right.
28:29Oh, hang on, that's a 50.
28:32Do you have a place to bet?
28:34Oh, you're too quick for me, mate.
28:37I'll tell you what.
28:40I'm fairly lucky.
28:42Do you feel like making that 100?
28:47The next card you turn over has to be my card.
28:50I bet you 100 euros
28:53the next card that I turn over will be your card.
28:57OK.
28:59BELL RINGS
29:03This is all the money I have.
29:05Oh, here we go, then.
29:08BELL RINGS
29:11What? Ace of hearts, your card.
29:13But no, I thought you had...
29:15Ooh, knowledge is everything in this game, senor.
29:20Oh.
29:22That's what I call a woman.
29:24Yeah, she's very noisy in bed, though.
29:27She's certainly...
29:29She's certainly...
29:49Hello. Hiya.
29:51My nana said can she have some more iodine diarrhoea tablets?
29:54I'm sorry, my friend's not here at the moment.
29:56But her bag's here.
29:57Yes, but I can't go through someone else's bag without them there.
30:00Why not? My nana does it all the time.
30:02Yes, well, I'm sorry, but I can't do anything about it until she gets back.
30:05But my nana says she's going to shit herself.
30:10Please?
30:14No, nothing here.
30:16What about that bit with the zip?
30:18I'm really not comfortable doing this.
30:23Dad, there's some bear.
30:28BELL RINGS
30:41Where's old ploppy pants?
30:43She couldn't move fast enough.
30:45If this keeps up, she'll have to ask Mel to get that scooter turbocharged.
30:50Where's my nana?
30:51Too late, son. She was off like a robber's dog.
30:54I got her these tablets.
30:56They don't work. They've got smelly faces on them.
30:59Oh, yeah? I'll give them to her later.
31:02BELL RINGS
31:05Hang on a minute. Do you know what these are?
31:08The diarrhoea tablets.
31:11Oh, yeah? So they are.
31:13BELL RINGS
31:23Sorry, darling.
31:28Bloody hell, I think you're in there, Mel.
31:31I was going to say, I don't fancy yours much, but mine's not much better.
31:35Oh, give over.
31:37I didn't even notice them.
31:39Unlike you, I don't have a wandering eye for anything in a dress.
31:42Well, not anything in a dress.
31:45Are you all right, madge?
31:47I'm fine.
31:49Oh, God, I think the one with the flower in her hair's definitely up for it, Mel.
31:53Good job she's not in an electric wheelchair.
31:55You'd have been over there like a rat up a grain fag.
31:58May come as a surprise to you as you sit there leering,
32:01but it's quite possible to communicate with the opposite sex
32:04without viewing them as sexual objects.
32:07You see, you don't have to...
32:09Jesus Christ, it's a fella.
32:13Why didn't you tell me it was a bloke?
32:15Don't worry, I'm sure he's not viewing you as a sexual object.
32:21OK, ladies and gentlemen,
32:23the first karaoke cab off the rank is Young Michael Garvey.
32:27That's you, come on.
32:29CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
32:31All right, sir!
32:41That fella's still looking at you, Mel.
32:44Bloody disgusting. What is?
32:46I pride myself on being very open-minded,
32:48but if there's one thing that's out of order,
32:50it's men pretending to be women.
32:52Men should be men.
32:54Not prancing around like a bunch of nances.
32:56Ear, ear.
33:02MUSIC PLAYS
33:04The minute you walked in the joint
33:07I could see you were a man of distinction
33:11A real big spender
33:13Good looking, so refined
33:16Say, wouldn't you like to know what's going on in my mind?
33:20So let me get right to the point
33:23I don't pop my cock for every guy I see
33:28Hey, big spender
33:33Spend a little time with me
33:39They put their names down early for it these days, don't they?
33:42You don't think he is, do you?
33:44No.
33:46When I was his age, I listened to nothing but Shirley Bassey and Judy Garland.
33:49And look at me, an icon of manhood.
33:52That's true.
33:54Good times, let me show you
33:57Good times
33:59He's good, isn't he?
34:01He's a natural.
34:03I could see you were a man of distinction
34:07We could have a kid, Jimmy.
34:11There's only one thing wrong with excellence.
34:13What's that?
34:14The words.
34:16We can adopt?
34:17Yes, with only Amy Winehouse and Vlad the Impaler before us on the waiting list.
34:21You'd make a great dad.
34:23And make a great housebird with cat flaps or twice the size.
34:26Twice.
34:28You bitch!
34:29Hey, now, stop it. Stop it or I'll ask your friends to come and sit with us.
34:34Oh, hello.
34:36We were going to order the lamb.
34:38Shall we just get it sent straight to your table?
34:40Hmm?
34:41Spend a little time with me
34:46Yay!
35:00That was brilliant!
35:03Did you like it, Dad?
35:04Yeah, it was all right.
35:09Yeah, good. Really good, son.
35:12Hey, how's that girl in your class that you like?
35:15What's her name? Nicola?
35:17I've gone off her.
35:18Really?
35:19Yeah. I hang around with her brother now, Stephen.
35:24Do you like my song, Nanny?
35:27I wasn't really listening.
35:29Your nanny's not very well, Michael.
35:31Do you want another couple of them tablets, man?
35:33Oh, yeah. Pass them over.
35:35You only need a second to.
35:38What's tickled your fancy?
35:41Nothing.
35:43Can I go say hello to my Aunty Val?
35:45Oh, typical. Sitting there sipping the free booze after all that rubbish about,
35:49oh, we're not going to be using the facilities here.
35:52I asked her to come here so we can talk.
35:54And there she is, sitting with her back to us.
35:56That's how much she wants to talk.
35:58Come on, let's go over there.
36:00You can frig off. I'm staying here.
36:03I think Maggie's right. Let the mountain come to Mohammed.
36:07I thought his name was Vicky.
36:12What?
36:20What are you trying to do to me?
36:22What do you think?
36:25Do you know, Brandy, I've never been this happy in my entire life.
36:29You mean you've never been this drunk?
36:31And who'd have thought it? Me, a middle-class, privately educated bloke
36:35with a, let's face it, a highly privileged background,
36:38you, you from Liverpool.
36:41I mean, it shouldn't work, but it does.
36:45Martin, you know that money I asked to borrow?
36:47Yeah, yeah, it's safe somewhere in the apartment.
36:49Where?
36:50I've hidden it.
36:52Yeah, I know. Where?
36:53I'll tell you tomorrow.
36:55Wolves have ears.
36:57Is it under the bed?
36:58Yeah.
37:01Listen, I've got to go for a whazz,
37:04but I just want you to know that I honestly think
37:07that ours was more than just a chance meeting.
37:11I've never been a big believer in fate,
37:13but I think you came into my life for a reason.
37:17I couldn't agree more.
37:34MUSIC PLAYS
38:04SIREN WAILS
38:25Excuse me, you haven't seen that chap in the red wine shirt
38:28that was near the pool today, have you?
38:30Oh, no, sorry.
38:33No matter.
38:37I can't think who he means, can you?
38:48All right? All right.
38:52Why don't you just ask her out, son?
38:55Because I'm not interested.
38:58Well, he could do a lot worse.
39:03MUSIC CONTINUES
39:11I just think whilst you're here,
39:13it's the perfect opportunity to build a few bridges.
39:16How are we supposed to do that when she won't even come over here
39:19to talk to him, like?
39:20OK, ladies and gents, next song of tonight is Madge singing
39:25Up, Up and Away, let's hear it for Madge!
39:28Is that me?
39:30Are they asking for me?
39:32I don't think we should go for him, says he don't look right.
39:37I can see. I can see.
39:43Oh, my God. Where are you going?
39:46To get the video camera, I'm not missing this.
39:48Hurry up!
39:50MUSIC CONTINUES
40:21Oh, shit.
40:25What do you think you're doing?
40:29I said, what do you think you're doing?
40:32Come here! Come here! Help! Help!
40:36What's going on? She's robbing the place!
40:39Don't just stand there, go and get somebody!
40:42Oh, go on!
40:50MUSIC CONTINUES
40:56Oh, fuck.
40:58In my beautiful balloon
41:01We could float among the stars together, you and I
41:07Or we could fly
41:13Up, up and away in my beautiful...
41:17Has Madge gone mad?
41:19I knew she didn't want a drink with medication.
41:21But I'll admit, she's a good mover, though.
41:25The world's a nicer place in my beautiful balloon
41:30The world's a nicer place...
41:32What are you all doing just sitting here?
41:34What do you mean?
41:35Will someone go and get her off that stage?
41:37Don't be a spoilsport. She's just getting into her stride.
41:40You and I
41:42Or we could fly
41:47Up, up and away in my beautiful, my beautiful balloon
41:58Up, up and away in my beautiful balloon
42:03SCREAMING
42:05Give me your hand!
42:08Oh, my God!
42:10MUSIC CONTINUES
42:16MUSIC CONTINUES
42:46MUSIC CONTINUES
42:48MUSIC CONTINUES
42:50MUSIC CONTINUES
42:52MUSIC CONTINUES
42:54MUSIC CONTINUES
42:56MUSIC CONTINUES
42:58Oh, oh, oh!
43:00Oh, oh!
43:02Oh, oh!
43:04MUSIC CONTINUES
43:06MUSIC CONTINUES
43:08What have you been doing?
43:10You're just missing my celery.
43:13Whoa! Whoa!
43:15Oh, my God!
43:17MUSIC CONTINUES
43:19MUSIC CONTINUES
43:21MUSIC CONTINUES
43:23Come on, princess, you're OK, you're OK.
43:26Oh, come with me!
43:28What the frig is wrong with her?
43:30She's had a bad reaction to something, can't you tell?
43:32Yes, I've had a fairly bad reaction to her jumping on me head.
43:36Look...
43:37Why don't we all meet up tomorrow and have a drink?
43:40Are you joking?
43:42We are leaving first thing in the morning.
43:44We thought this place was cheap when we booked in.
43:47It just didn't feel like so cheap.
43:50It was nice to meet you.
43:53You?
43:54Janice.
43:55Crazy!
43:57All...crazy?
44:04Ladies and gentlemen, can all residents please return to the apartments?
44:09There have been several reported burglaries in the Solanas
44:12and we require all residents to return to the accommodation immediately.
44:17Oh, my God!
44:18I'll go.
44:19MUSIC PLAYS
44:25I'm sorry, are you asleep?
44:27It's Martin.
44:30I'm so sorry, I've been such a fool.
44:33Sorry, sorry, I'm in Spain.
44:37In Benidorm.
44:39It was free.
44:41I've lost everything.
44:43Money, passports, everything.
44:45Everything's been taken.
44:48Kate, I need you.
44:51I need you so much.
44:55SCREAMS
45:01MUSIC PLAYS
45:09MUSIC CONTINUES