Category
🎥
Short filmTranscript
00:00♪
00:30And I can guarantee you that is not a Morse bar in the Shelby pubicle, get it shifted
00:45now.
00:46Uh, excuse me?
00:47Yeah?
00:48Do you know when the water aerobics starts?
00:50Water aerobics today, 10am?
00:53Yeah, you got a point.
00:55It's a bit cryptic, isn't it?
00:57Well, it's just that it's nearly 25 to 11.
01:02Oh, for God's sake, Mateo!
01:05There you go.
01:06Thanks, Leslie.
01:07Oh, I love that colour.
01:09Oh, it's nice, isn't it?
01:10Oh, it's called hot fudge.
01:12I tend to steer away from dark colours, you know, because it can make my hands look a
01:16bit masculine.
01:18I think I'd get away with these.
01:19Oh, definitely.
01:20Whiz slash Alice.
01:22Who?
01:23Mateo.
01:24Oh, I think he went to get changed for his, what do you call it?
01:27Dianetics.
01:28That was over an hour ago.
01:30Dianetics?
01:31Isn't that Scientology?
01:33Oh, it's no use asking me, pet.
01:34I've never gone near the water.
01:36It plays havoc with a straight bob.
01:38Oi!
01:41No, my bloody Desmond!
01:43Your public are waiting.
01:45What on earth has he got on his head?
01:48Who's talking?
01:50What do you think you're playing at?
01:53What am I playing?
01:54Have you seen this?
02:01What's wrong with it?
02:03What is wrong with it?
02:04What is right with it?
02:05You look fine.
02:07Janie, I look like a homosexual gay.
02:09I don't think you can blame that entirely on the like that.
02:13Hey, hey, it's Mr Mortivator.
02:16You look fantastic, man.
02:18Is this for the aerobatics?
02:19That's it.
02:20I'm going back.
02:21You are going nowhere.
02:23We've had a dozen pensioners been waiting for you since ten o'clock.
02:26There's that many hormone patches floating in that pool.
02:29People are going to be walking out as a different sex.
02:31Ooh, I might have a dip after all.
02:33Listen, if you don't get over the...
02:36What's going on down there?
02:38Down where?
02:39Down where?
02:40Down there.
02:41Brought an orange for halftime.
02:43Janie, I'm going back for change.
02:45Oi, you're going nowhere.
02:48You either start kicking your legs to Donna Summer at the side of that pool
02:52or I will take this as a formal resignation
02:54and your locker will be cleared out within the hour.
02:57Shift.
03:00Looking good, handsome.
03:02Oh, dear.
03:04And no knocking off after 20 minutes.
03:07You started late and you finished late, do you understand?
03:10Bloody hell, is it rag week?
03:12And what kind of question's that?
03:14Just because a woman raises her voice
03:16doesn't automatically mean she's on the blob.
03:24Oh, here he comes.
03:29What's he come dressed as?
03:39Mutt and dressed as Spam.
03:42Hey, whatever the pain, you love it, isn't it?
03:49Hi, babes. You all right?
03:51Do you want to budge up? I'll get another song there.
03:54Yeah.
03:55Babes? Babes?
03:57Sorry, what happened between you and him when we got back from the hospital?
04:00Absolutely nothing.
04:01Then why's he calling you babes?
04:03I don't know.
04:04So you didn't fancy him?
04:06I don't. He's like a strange child that won't go away.
04:13I can't believe you used to go out with that.
04:17Still, happy times now, though, eh, babes?
04:19Sorry, did you want some?
04:21No. I'm all right, thanks, Sam.
04:24How's your leg?
04:26It's still broken.
04:29Oh, it will be. Takes weeks, apparently.
04:35Come on, get on with it!
04:37OK, first of all, matching on this spot.
04:39Don't march too fast, you might lose your power.
04:45And move your arms, too.
04:47You never know, you might not get rid of your bingo flap.
04:50Bingo flap!
04:51I start with a full house!
04:56Come on, jump!
04:58Come on, move your flat bellies.
05:10What the frick's going on there?
05:12Bit of aquaerobics.
05:14Did you not fancy it, Madge?
05:16You must be joking.
05:17Go on.
05:18It won't mind you tipping your fag hash, as long as it's in the shallow end.
05:21Water and me have never got along.
05:23Oh, you don't say.
05:25You can find some very dangerous things close to water.
05:28Like what, shower gel?
05:29Friend of mine, Edith, moved into a retirement home in Southport.
05:33Fit as a fiddle when she got there.
05:35She was dead within three months.
05:37All right.
05:38Did she drown?
05:39No.
05:40She had a heart attack while watching Deal or No Deal.
05:43Well, what's that got to do with water?
05:45What's it got to do with...
05:47You know where Southport is?
05:49It's near the sea.
05:51Yeah?
05:52I missed my case.
05:54Well done, Madge.
05:55Another mystery solved.
05:58Jessica Fletcher must be shitting herself.
06:00How's it going?
06:02Yeah, all right.
06:04Oh, oh.
06:06You OK?
06:07Just a bit out of puff.
06:09It's hard to admit, but I'm no longer at the peak of my physical fitness.
06:16You look like you're going to die.
06:18I'll be fine.
06:20It'll be a while before I let go of the rope, as they say.
06:24Just need to catch my breath.
06:26Ooh.
06:31What's going on over there?
06:35I say, what's them two fellas doing over there?
06:38Oh, for God's sake, what's wrong with you?
06:40You can see where Janice gets it from.
06:42Ooh, I wonder who are they.
06:43Ooh, look at what they're wearing.
06:44Ooh, what do you think they're talking about?
06:46Why can't you just leave people alone?
06:48Keep your nose out and mind your own business.
06:57Bloody hell, who are they?
06:59What do you think they want?
07:04So, you do not know this woman who is wife of Mel Harvey, her name Madge?
07:12No.
07:13As I said, like, people come and go so fast here.
07:17Of course, if we discover you are lying, you will have many problems.
07:21Oh, you mean that Madge Harvey.
07:23Oh, you mean that Madge Harvey.
07:25Sorry, sorry, I thought you meant somebody else.
07:27Yes, I used to work for Mrs Harvey.
07:31And where can we find this Mrs Harvey?
07:34She's not here today.
07:37But if you'd like to leave a message, I'll make sure she gets it.
07:40Was it anything urgent?
07:44We have good news and bad news for Mrs Harvey.
07:47The good news is she no longer owes money to Mr Reg Fiddler of Benidorm Trailer Bank.
07:53Oh, she'll be over the moon about that.
07:56How much?
07:57The bad news is our employer, Mr Pink, has bought her husband's debt.
08:03So we need to arrange an appointment with her to resolve this rather pressing business matter.
08:10Right.
08:12So the message is to basically give you a ring, like?
08:16The message is this.
08:18If she does not ring the number on this card in the next two hours, she will die.
08:26No, no, seriously, what's the message?
08:34That is the message, isn't it?
08:38Right, you can rely on me, pal, I'll give it to her right now.
08:41Well, not right this minute, because I can't do that, she's not here.
08:45But I'll make sure she gets it.
08:57Have they gone?
08:58They've gone.
08:59Hey, is there anything I can do to help? You just let me know.
09:03No, you're all right, pal.
09:05This is a problem for the Garveys now.
09:07We deal with these kind of situations our way and on our own terms.
09:12We don't need any help.
09:15From anybody?
09:16No worries, I'll stay out of your way.
09:19Sorry, I can't borrow your mobile, can I? I haven't got any credit.
09:22Of course you can.
09:27There you go.
09:28Um, thanks.
09:31No problem.
09:35Right, there, all right.
09:37Yeah, my Nana's always talking about funerals and stuff.
09:40She never shuts up about them.
09:42I don't think she's scared of dying.
09:44I think she's just worried that when she does go,
09:47there's so many people left on the planet that she didn't manage to annoy.
09:51As me Nana always says, life's a bitch and then you die.
10:06Don't worry, you'll be OK.
10:09Everything's gonna be OK.
10:15Oh, you!
10:17What the fricking hell was you doing to them?
10:20What has this got to do with me?
10:22Well done, one down, only a few hundred to go.
10:25Always said this place was a death trap.
10:28Come on, Michael.
10:29I'm not back in the pool.
10:31You are not, you're staying out of that pool today.
10:33Oh, man.
10:34Can I go now?
10:35Somebody dies during your aerobics class
10:37and you're asking what's it got to do with you?
10:40Have you never heard of where there's a blame, there's a claim?
10:43He's not dead.
10:45Also, he was not doing the class, he was standing at the side.
10:48Bloody hell, he doesn't look too clever.
10:50I'd be surprised if that one doesn't go back in a body bag.
10:53This is not my fault.
10:55Well, I'm sorry.
10:56Something like this could close us down.
10:58Clear out your locker and we'll pay you till the end of the month.
11:02What?
11:03Janie!
11:05Janie!
11:06I think you're gagging.
11:07The fat man, he was not doing the aerobics, did you see?
11:09Sorry, mate, I've got enough problems in my arm right now.
11:11Shut up.
11:12No, I am listening to you.
11:15I'm just looking outside.
11:18It looks like someone's died in the pool.
11:22Oh, that reminds me.
11:24Can you record Strike It Lucky for me?
11:28I don't know.
11:30One of the cable channels.
11:33All right, son.
11:35Give my love to Chantel and baby Coolio.
11:39Oh, Pauline's up.
11:42Do you want to say a quick hello?
11:46No, it's all right.
11:49She doesn't want to either.
11:52OK, speak to you tomorrow.
11:55Bye.
11:56Bye.
11:58That was our Geoff.
12:00You know he's working now.
12:02I've booked a flight home tomorrow.
12:04You what?
12:05I'm in my 40s.
12:06I can't live like a student any more.
12:08What do you mean, like a student?
12:10How many students do you know have luxury holidays in Spain?
12:15Luxury?
12:16You call this luxury?
12:18Well, I've been in worse places.
12:22I'm sure you have.
12:23Well, either one have not.
12:25There's no need to go.
12:27We've only got three or four days left.
12:30We could have a day trip somewhere.
12:34Oh, heck.
12:36Well, I hate to admit it, but you were right not to go in.
12:40Could have been you, that.
12:42I beg your pardon?
12:44Well, I know you're doing dead good with your no-carbs thing,
12:46but, you know.
12:48I know what?
12:49You know, a man in your state should be careful.
12:54To which kind of state do you refer?
12:56Look, what I mean is...
12:58I'm going to put this.
13:01If you were a derelict building,
13:02you probably wouldn't let kids play in here.
13:04Kenneth, tell me something.
13:06As you sit here on this free holiday,
13:08sipping unlimited cocktails in the sun,
13:10have you ever heard of the phrase,
13:11don't bite the hand that feeds you?
13:13No.
13:14Quelle surprise.
13:16Is that something they teach you at Weight Watchers?
13:18I don't go to Weight Watchers.
13:21Oh, have you got any sun cream?
13:23Yes.
13:24Brilliant.
13:25Where is it?
13:26Are you asking if I have any or if you can have some?
13:28Oh, forget it, I'm not begging.
13:29There's a supermarket next to the entrance to the hotel.
13:31I haven't brought any money with me.
13:33You said this was all-inclusive.
13:35All-inclusive means food and drink.
13:37What kind of all-inclusive resort provides you with sun cream?
13:40Oh, God, sorry.
13:41Hold that thought.
13:42Back in a bit.
13:44What are you doing?
13:45Where do you keep going?
13:46It'll be long.
13:53Who's he talking to?
13:56I've no idea.
13:57Can you hear what he's saying?
13:59No.
14:00Well, ask him what it's all about.
14:02Oh, for God's sake.
14:03Mick!
14:04Shh.
14:05That's not my dad's mobile he's talking on.
14:07What's going on, Mum?
14:08I don't know, darling.
14:10It's got something to do with them fellas in suits, I know it.
14:15Well?
14:16Well, what?
14:17Who were them men in the suits?
14:19What men?
14:20Useless.
14:21The ones who were stood behind you.
14:23Useless?
14:24The ones who were stood behind you when you were at the bar.
14:27Oh, um...
14:31I don't know.
14:32You went all the way over to the bar to see what was going on,
14:34you didn't find out?
14:35I went over to the bar for a drink.
14:37Not according to me mother.
14:39Oh, well, then your mother's wrong.
14:41Dad, whose phone's that?
14:44It's my phone.
14:45No, it's not. Your phone's rubbish.
14:47That one's really good.
14:48Mick, just tell us what is going on.
14:50Nothing's going on.
14:51There's nothing to worry about.
14:53See, that's your problem.
14:54You always make a big fuss about stuff before you know the facts.
14:57So what are the facts?
14:58There aren't any!
14:59Just thought I'd bring you all a few drinks.
15:01Oh, thank you.
15:02And I took the liberty of bringing you a little cheerser as well.
15:05What's that?
15:06It's a drop of brandy, steady your nerves.
15:08Nothing wrong with my nerves.
15:09Well, you are an amusing woman, Mrs Harvey.
15:11All I'm seeing is if two big, hairy gorillas
15:14had just threatened to kill me over an unpaid debt,
15:17I'd be putting me knickers on a boil wash by now.
15:22Have you all finished with my phone?
15:26Champion.
15:38Oh, it's too hot.
15:40Oh, really?
15:42I'm fine.
15:43I think it's a quarter of my body encased in itchy,
15:46sweat-drenched, airtight plaster
15:48that's taken my mind off how boiling the rest of me is.
15:51There's no way that's a quarter of your body.
15:54I beg your pardon?
15:55Don't say it as if it's our fault.
15:57Our fault?
15:58Our fault? What, you and your husband?
16:00Our fault, as in myself and Liam,
16:02the two people who were with you when you fell off your dance podium.
16:05Fell off? You dragged me off.
16:07I didn't drag you anywhere.
16:08She didn't drag you.
16:09You fell off cos you were drunk.
16:11Haven't you got really important things to do,
16:13like plaiting your dad's hair?
16:15No.
16:16You just leave it, Sam.
16:17His hair's not long enough to plait.
16:19Anyway, it's a wig. He could probably do it himself.
16:21Shut up!
16:22Don't take it out on him.
16:24God, this is driving me mental!
16:27Liam, why don't you get us all a drink?
16:29I'll give my dad a wave.
16:30No, Liam, why don't you get us all a drink?
16:33It's no bother. It's my dad's job.
16:35Liam, Sam and I need to talk to each other.
16:38Oh, OK.
16:41Oh, for crying out loud,
16:43this is the most stupid person I've ever met in my entire life!
16:49Listen, I think I'd better make myself scarce.
16:51She's obviously a bit upset with you.
16:53I'll see you later.
16:58He's actually quite funny.
17:00He's not. He's not funny.
17:02He's irritating, immature, stupid.
17:06He's not stupid. He's sweet.
17:08Oh, my God, you actually fancy him.
17:11Of course I don't fancy him.
17:13Then tell him to go away!
17:16I'll get his drink to you in a minute.
17:19I've just got to try and sort this out.
17:29So, basically, the debt's been passed on
17:31and I've arranged to meet them to sort it out.
17:33But why are you meeting them? We haven't got the money.
17:35I'm going to try and work out a deal.
17:37Oh, they can't just buy someone else's debt.
17:39They'll shove it up their arse.
17:41Madge Harvey, the Kofi Annan of the Costa Blanca.
17:44Right, I'd best get off.
17:46Come on, let's get packed up.
17:48What do you think you're doing?
17:49I'm coming with you.
17:50You don't think I'm letting you go on your own, do you?
17:52Come on, ma'am.
17:53Michael, you're staying here with your auntie Noreen.
17:56I don't have an auntie Noreen.
17:57You do now.
17:58I want to come.
18:00Ooh, let him come.
18:01He doesn't take up any room in the car.
18:03It's not about car space.
18:04This is a meeting with the psychotic mafia boss,
18:06not a day out at Centre Park's.
18:08You're all staying here.
18:10Come on, ma'am.
18:11You bring the bags.
18:12I'll drop Michael off, and I'll see you at the car.
18:14All right.
18:15You can't come with me.
18:16It's too dangerous.
18:21Wait for me.
18:24Dan.
18:29Would you have a look?
18:33Hey, she's a good-looking lass, that Natalie.
18:35Yeah, I know.
18:38Don't mess this one up, son.
18:40No, I won't.
18:42Yeah, that's fine.
18:44What's going on?
18:45Just one minute, Jenny.
18:46Give it a little bit of a wiggle.
18:48Yeah, you're good to go with that, son.
18:50Thanks, Dad.
18:52Actually, I'm second thoughts.
18:54I don't want to know.
18:55Have you seen Mateo?
18:56He's gone, but he hasn't cleared his locker out.
18:58No, I haven't seen him.
18:59Right.
19:00Are you sure that's your son?
19:02Yeah, Liam's my youngest.
19:03I've got two more.
19:04Twins up there in Israel, living on a kebab.
19:08This place is like a Channel 4 documentary sometimes.
19:16She's gone.
19:19Leslie, you have to help me.
19:21I need this job.
19:22Don't worry.
19:23I think I've got an idea.
19:38We must have gone wrong somewhere.
19:40He said third exit off the CV758 on the way to Les Tapillards.
19:44This is the right road.
19:46We should have brought Michael.
19:47At least he can read a map.
19:48Oh, let's turn around and go back home.
19:50Frig the lot of them.
19:51They'll soon come running when you don't turn up.
19:53Yeah, they'll come running with sawn-off shotguns.
19:55Have you never seen lock stock?
19:58Must be through that tunnel.
20:00You've got to be joking.
20:02If you think you're taking me up the wrong road,
20:04you've got to be joking.
20:05If you think you're taking me up Crack Alley,
20:07you've got another thing coming.
20:09Never complained before.
20:24Did you miss me?
20:26With every fibre of my being.
20:28Where did you go to?
20:29Oh, just a little shower.
20:31You know, freshened myself up a bit.
20:33You probably haven't noticed, but it's quite hot.
20:38Hello.
20:39You all right?
20:41Hey, do you fancy eating out tonight, my treat?
20:43Who was that?
20:44Who was what?
20:45That man you just said hello to.
20:47I didn't say hello to anyone.
20:48A man just walked past.
20:49He smiled and nodded to you, and you said hello to him.
20:51Did I?
20:53Well, it's just people on holiday, isn't it?
20:55So do you fancy a pizza tonight?
20:57I thought you didn't bring any money with you.
20:59Yeah, I thought I didn't, but I found some euros in me case.
21:02Must be from that weekend I had in Ibiza last year.
21:04So if you don't fancy a pizza, do you fancy a Chinese?
21:07No, thank you.
21:08Oh, suit yourself.
21:10Hi.
21:11Hiya.
21:14What?
21:32Where the bloody hell are we?
21:44Is it a film set?
21:46I know where we are.
21:47Mel told me about this place.
21:49They built it as a Wild West theme park.
21:52He was thinking of buying it.
21:54They used to do a cowboy stunt show.
21:57One night, someone changed all the blanks in the guns for real bullets.
22:02Bloody hell, what happened?
22:03What do you think happened?
22:05Next day, first lot of tourists came in, show started.
22:08Absolute bloodbath.
22:11Why would somebody do that?
22:13Something to do with the bad debt, apparently.
22:23Oh, my God.
22:27Oh, my God.
22:40Everybody keep calm.
22:43Everything's going to be all right, as long as we don't panic.
22:50Drive forward.
22:51Piss off!
22:54What are we going to do? We can't just sit here.
22:56Let me think.
22:57Oh, for God's sake.
22:59Wait here, I'll go talk to him.
23:01No!
23:03Just...
23:04Just drive forward a bit.
23:27What are you piddling about at?
23:29We'll be here all bloody day at this rate.
23:31Well, what do you want me to do?
23:34Hang on, look.
23:45Throw out your weapons.
23:49And don't let anybody in.
23:52Throw out your weapons.
23:55Are you checking the piss?
23:57Don't antagonise them, throw something out.
23:59What am I supposed to throw out?
24:00Anything, just do as he says.
24:06Step out of the car slowly.
24:10OK.
24:12After three, we're all going to get out the car.
24:14Stay together, no sudden movements.
24:17One...
24:19Two...
24:20Oh, sod this for a game of soldiers.
24:22Mother, what are you doing?
24:25What the frig are you doing?
24:27Dragging us all out here to the arse end of nowhere.
24:29You might enjoy piss-balling about playing cowboys and Indians,
24:33but personally, I've got bigger fish to fry.
24:36Ma'am, these are dangerous people, please let Mick deal with it.
24:39Dangerously stupid? Look at him.
24:42When you're as fat as that, the last thing you want to be wearing
24:45in this weather is a three-piece suit.
24:47This is not a three-piece suit.
24:50It's a two-piece.
24:52Oh, my God.
24:53Well, why are you wearing a tie?
24:55You're sweating like a pig on a spit.
24:57It was not that hot when I left home this morning.
25:00And why on earth are you wearing that colour?
25:02Don't tell me it's slimming, cos I've got news for you.
25:05That suit's black, not black magic.
25:08It's a work suit. I wear what I'm told to wear.
25:11For crying out loud!
25:18I can't listen to any more of this rubbish.
25:21Now, listen, have you got my money, or haven't you?
25:28Sorry, am I talking to myself?
25:30Are you Mr Pink?
25:32Yes. And before you ask me, no, it is not my real name.
25:36And, yes, I did choose it.
25:38It was my money.
25:39I haven't got it.
25:40We have got it, just not here.
25:43So, we're doing all this way for nothing?
25:45Do you know how much petrol these things get through?
25:47I am lucky if I'm getting six miles to the gallon.
25:51Do you accept Visa?
25:52Yes, of course we do.
25:54Will you wait here for me while I sneak back to the office and get the machine?
25:58Of course we don't accept fucking Visa!
26:01Where do you think you are, John Lewis?
26:04Do you accept PayPal?
26:08I don't believe I'm hearing this.
26:09What the bloody hell's PayPal?
26:11Oh, it's brilliant.
26:12I use it to pay for stuff.
26:14I have one on eBay.
26:15You know, stuff for a couple of quid you don't want to use your credit card for.
26:18All right!
26:19That's enough!
26:21But, Uri, get in the car with them.
26:25We're taking them to the track.
26:28I have told you, sir, do not excite yourself.
26:31You have had a long week.
26:34I know. I know, Uri.
26:37I do too much.
26:38Yes, sir.
26:41Get in the car!
26:43Move!
26:44We are going to track.
26:45All right.
26:47Just get in.
26:48Ma'am, just get in.
27:06Excuse me, woman down a Thursday?
27:09I am not working today.
27:11You don't seem to do much work any day.
27:13It shouldn't stop you passing me a vodka coke.
27:17Did you see what happened at the pool today?
27:19Seen that bloke getting dragged out by his feet?
27:21Has he sued you yet?
27:23He was not doing the aerobics class when he went under the water.
27:26Yeah, I believe you.
27:27Thousands wouldn't.
27:28Maybe, if you were a witness,
27:30if you say you saw everything,
27:32we could come to some kind of arrangement.
27:35Yeah, no worries.
27:37Fifty euros and I'll say I pushed him under.
27:40Well, I don't have money.
27:43But I could pay you in another way.
27:47Really?
27:48Oh, yes.
27:50It could be a very, very big payday for you
27:54if you say the right things.
27:57And if only you could say the right things,
27:59you probably wouldn't be a sad, lonely, old, leathery-faced waiter
28:03cleaning up other people's shite.
28:06I am not a waiter. I am a barman.
28:09Stop looking at me arse.
28:12Push.
28:27Look, mate, what's happening?
28:29What are we doing here?
28:31We said we can pay you money, just not today.
28:34And before you say anything,
28:36this is 90 calories.
28:40Just call the police.
28:42What, 40 pence a minute?
28:44I mean, it's not the money.
28:46We don't know the number, do we?
28:50What the hell's going on here?
28:55I don't remember saying that we were having lollies.
29:00Sorry, sir, I was going to get you one when you came out.
29:04I did not want it to melt.
29:06Forget it.
29:07Get me my helmet.
29:09Yes, sir.
29:10Mr Pink wants his helmet.
29:12What are we doing here?
29:14I am going to make you an offer that you can't refuse.
29:19I've always wanted to say that.
29:21Now, in this moment in time,
29:24thanks to your late husband,
29:26you owe me 3,000 euros.
29:30She doesn't owe you a cent.
29:32You can't pass on a debt without telling someone.
29:34I know all about it.
29:36Whatever a lender or a borrower be,
29:38many a mickle makes a muckle.
29:41I see you've brought your legal representative with you.
29:43So what's this offer, then?
29:44Very simple.
29:46Double or quits.
29:47Shove it.
29:48Oh, for crying out loud, Mother.
29:49Right.
29:51Ten laps around the track.
29:54If I win, your debt doubles.
29:58If I lose,
30:01you walk away from here debt-free.
30:05That's a bloody cinch.
30:06You're racing me on a go-kart.
30:07I'm like shit off a stick.
30:09You got yourself a deal?
30:11Oh, no, no, no, no.
30:12Not you.
30:14I want a racer.
30:16Rent-a-gob.
30:18You what?
30:19Don't be ridiculous.
30:20There's nothing ridiculous about it.
30:22Give me an helmet, I'll run rings around him.
30:25If it is a him.
30:26Mother, you're not racing in a car.
30:28Mick, tell her.
30:29She'll break her neck.
30:30Well, if she wants to have a go.
30:33Do your worst.
30:35Oh, no.
30:36I intend to do my best.
30:39Which will leave you six grand in debt.
30:48Why don't I make this even more interesting?
30:51If I win, I get to clear my debt and get another 3,000.
30:56If you win, we owe you ten grand.
31:00I've made easy money before.
31:03But this is taking the piss.
31:05You got yourself a deal?
31:15Start the engines!
31:22Mr Castellanos, I need you to clear out your locker.
31:27Oh, and leave the premises.
31:29Jenny, why are you being like this?
31:31Sorry, but I'm just covering my back.
31:33Jenny, let me get this straight.
31:35You're worried that the guy nearly drowned
31:37as a direct result of doing the water aerobics class?
31:40That's what happened.
31:41I spoke to Mr Stewart's wife before they left for the hospital.
31:45Now, what if I can prove otherwise?
31:47What's this?
31:51Jay Iglesias, solicitors.
31:54The logo's a bit wonky.
31:55Well, he's a mate of mine.
31:57He's just starting out, like you know.
31:59Have you undersigned if I confirm that I was witness
32:02to the fact that Mr Donald Stewart was not participating
32:05in the Solana water aerobics?
32:07Moreover, I also confirm that Mr Stewart was talking to myself
32:11off the side of the pool prior to the accident,
32:14complaining about his long-term ill health.
32:16Signed, M Garvey.
32:18Who's M Garvey?
32:19You know, that rough family.
32:21Always sitting up in the top corner.
32:23Can we narrow it down a bit?
32:25All right.
32:27You're also covered with this
32:29if the man from Atlantis tries to make a claim.
32:31Can I keep this copy?
32:32Absolutely.
32:34This means I can stay, Janie.
32:36Put your shirt on.
32:37And no more saving people in a sweaty vest.
32:40Thank you, Janie. Thank...
32:42And don't forget your name badge.
32:46Thank you, Leslie.
32:47No worries, pal.
32:48Let's just say you owe me one.
32:50Absolutely.
32:52Hey, but how did you get this signed?
32:54Family in the corner, they went away today.
32:56Not all of them.
33:21Mr Finn, are you ready?
33:26Winkly old woman.
33:29Are you ready?
33:31So ready.
33:33Let's go.
33:37Not working.
33:40Not working.
33:42Leave me alone.
33:47You're pressing the brake, you daft cow.
33:49Use the pedal next to it.
33:50Move your foot to the right.
33:52And take that big bloody helmet off.
33:54You'll go twice as fast without it.
33:56Don't say that. She needs her pressure.
33:58What if she falls out?
33:59How's she going to fall out?
34:00She can't even get bloody moving.
34:04Oh, there's another pedal here.
34:05This might...
34:15Oh, you don't.
34:17Up yours.
34:19Up yours at all.
34:21Well, there goes six grand.
34:23Don't say that.
34:25She's getting going now.
34:26She might catch up.
34:27How's she going to catch up?
34:29If she goes any slower, she'll be going bloody backwards.
34:31Slowly, slowly, catchy monkey.
34:33What the bloody hell does that mean?
34:35You know, like the tortoise and the hare.
34:37My mother's the tortoise.
34:39How is the fact that your mother looks like a tortoise
34:41going to help her win a bloody go-kart race?
34:45Come on, ma'am.
34:47Put your foot down, for God's sake.
34:54Where are we going to find 6,000 euros?
34:57Well, it could be worse.
34:59How on earth could it be worse?
35:03Could have been 10,000.
35:11I'll get you.
35:13No, you've got no chance.
35:15Right, I've seen enough.
35:17Mum, come on, get off the track.
35:20You're only going to get hurt.
35:24Ow!
35:25Oh, shit!
35:27Hang on a minute.
35:29What's going on?
35:31Murie!
35:33Get over here now!
35:39Who has been riding my go-kart?
35:42Who?
35:43Nobody, sir.
35:44Nobody else can fit inside this one.
35:46Wait, sir, I will get you another car.
35:48There's no point in getting another car.
35:50My bitch can't reach the pedals in any of the others.
35:52Get me a mechanic, now!
35:54Go on, move it, move your arse!
35:56Oi, you!
36:00Hurry up!
36:02Go on, Max, go on!
36:04Come on, Phil! You've only got...
36:06How many times has she got to go round?
36:08Three more laps to catch up, and then it's two more to win.
36:11Three more times round to catch up, and then when you've done that, two more!
36:15For Christ's sake, put your foot down!
36:18Just keep going, Max, just keep going!
36:23Here, we need a quick move and smoke your arse!
36:29Come on, Max, you can do it!
36:32The horse is going to win, she's going to win!
36:35I'm going to get you!
36:37I've privatised on the move again.
36:39Come on, Max, keep going!
36:46And as they come around the bend for the final lap,
36:49it's Madge on the inside!
36:51Mix-up in front of me, but Madge puts his foot down!
36:54Is there no one who can stop this woman?
36:57She is on fire!
36:59Mix-up in front of me, but he's still reeling up the rear,
37:03and not for the first time, I should imagine.
37:05Another bend, wheels almost touching, but it's Madge to the aid!
37:10Get off my track, you bastard pig!
37:12And now, as they come around the bend for the final straight,
37:17it's Madge, Madge, Madge, all the way!
37:20Go on, Max!
37:22I'm taking the illusion that they're stuck in traffic.
37:24Mix-up in the next turn! No! No!
37:28I've got my money!
37:30You're good!
37:31Put your foot down, Madge! For God's sake, put your foot down!
37:35Put your foot down!
37:54Ladies and gentlemen, the hero of the hour is Mrs Mad Cowie!
38:03Mother, you were amazing!
38:05Oh, get us a fag, quick!
38:08Go on, Madge, let's get out of here while we can.
38:11Hang on a minute.
38:12We've got a bit of business to sort out first.
38:16You've just lost me 10,000 euros!
38:19Get out of my sight! Go on, get out of my sight!
38:23And I want that signet ring back I bought you.
38:27Oi, Pinky, you owe me 3,000 euros.
38:32You what?
38:33We changed the bet just before the race.
38:35I am sorry.
38:37I don't seem to remember anything of that nature.
38:40Yes, you bloody do. We shook hands on it.
38:43Mother, come on, let's just get out of here.
38:45And you have witnesses to this last-minute change of rules?
38:49Hmm?
38:50No.
38:52I thought not.
38:54So take your bony carcass and your scummy family
38:58and get off my property
39:00before I change my mind about the whole thing.
39:03Come on, Madge, let's just go.
39:06Right, that's fine.
39:08But we both know what that deal was.
39:11And believe me, when I get back on my feet, which I will,
39:15I'll let it be known that Mr Pink is a Welsh.
39:19Welsh?
39:21I'm from Southend-on-Sea.
39:23Not from Wales, you tit.
39:25Welsh. You Welshed, chickened out, went back on the deal.
39:30You won't even be able to get a game of blackjack.
39:34Get off my property.
39:37Go on! Get out of it!
39:40Get out of it!
40:07I can't believe you won, Nanny.
40:09Neither can we.
40:11I can't believe I missed it.
40:13Oh, you didn't miss much, darling.
40:15It wasn't that exciting.
40:18I just wanted to say I had a lovely day with Michael.
40:22He was absolutely no bother at all.
40:26We had great fun, didn't we?
40:29Pauline's going home tomorrow,
40:31so maybe we could finish that game of I Spy.
40:35Something beginning with P, wasn't it?
40:38But I've forgotten the clues.
40:41Something blue. Wet and people swimming in it.
40:46Oh, yeah.
40:51No, we'll have to carry on with it tomorrow.
40:54Have a lovely night.
40:58Match Harvey? Yeah.
41:02Someone left that for you at the reception.
41:08I'm not from Wales, and I never want to see your faces around here again.
41:22Oh, dear.
41:39I just photocopied it.
41:42If I'd had more time, I would have done it on my computer.
41:45But my dad needed it there and then.
41:47Not bad, is it? Brilliant.
41:51If you were a mastermind, what would be your specialised subject?
41:55Good question. I think probably The Colour Purple.
42:00Alice Walker? That's my favourite book.
42:04No. Purple.
42:07The Colour Purple.
42:10It's my favourite colour.
42:12What would yours be?
42:14Morons I Have Known And Almost Killed.
42:17All right.
42:19Don't know nothing about that.
42:21Right, well, I've been told if I collect a few glasses over the next couple of hours,
42:26there's ten euros with my name on it.
42:28Oh, well, we don't want to keep you.
42:30I'm assuming they've just written my name on it.
42:33It'd be too much of a coincidence for them to find one like that.
42:39Right. See you in a bit.
42:45Mmm. Turkey meatballs in an aubergine sauce.
42:49Well, they're nothing if not ambitious.
42:51If I had another mouth, would I just be forcing it in?
42:54Oh, welcome to my world.
42:57Is that watch new?
42:59Oh, yeah. Bought it this afternoon. What do you think?
43:01You had no money.
43:03It wasn't expensive.
43:05Well, actually, it was.
43:07But you have to treat yourself now and again, don't you?
43:10Faggots! How dare you? Did Judy Garland die for nothing?
43:14Oh, sorry, Donald.
43:16Oh, my goodness. We were worried about you.
43:18I asked at reception how you were, but they've had no news.
43:21Sit down. I'll get another chair.
43:23Oh, no, don't bother. I've just got to pop out for 20 minutes.
43:27Actually, probably make it half an hour. I'll see you in a bit.
43:35How are you? Oh, not so bad.
43:37I've got to take it easy for the next few days,
43:40but let's face it, I'm in the right place for that.
43:43Well, it's a bit more serious than that, Donald.
43:46The doctor said...
43:48He said I've got high blood pressure.
43:51Tell me something I don't know.
43:54Now, how about a slippery nipple?
43:56No, I'll go. I just need to nip upstairs first, though.
44:00Take your time. We'll order some food.
44:03Have you done with this one? Would you mind if I had it as a starter?
44:06Please, be my guest.
44:19Now, it's up to you to tell me how far you want to go.
44:22Don't forget you're the one who's paying.
44:24Now, do you want me to reposition this mirror so you can see me doing it?
44:27All right, I've heard enough, you disgusting pigs. I'm coming in.
44:31I bet your wife doesn't know you're here, does she?
44:34Course she does. She's paying for it.
44:41Well, we did it, Mel.
44:43We sorted the last of the money problems out.
44:46We made a good team, you and me.
44:50And now, I'm going to do what you always told me.
44:54Invest money in something I believe in.
44:59You.
45:01Just cos you're not around any more doesn't mean I've stopped believing in you.
45:07Mel Harvey Leisure Industry is back in business.
45:12Right. Come on.
45:16It's been a long day.
45:20Night, Madge.
45:23Good night, sir.
45:41Is that you coming?
45:44No, there's a lass down there in the shower.
45:47No, there's a lass down there in the shower.
45:51Yeah, I'm coming.
46:16I'm coming.