Category
🎥
Short filmTranscript
00:00♪
00:29Florence is so wonderful this time of year.
00:32You agreed to come here.
00:33I know I did, I'm just saying Florence is particularly beautiful this time of year.
00:37It's particularly expensive and all.
00:39We could be in the Bargello Museum now.
00:41I don't go on holiday to look round stuffy museums.
00:44It's not as crowded as the Uffizi or the Accademia.
00:48You've got the Renaissance works, Donatello's St George,
00:52and of course there are the glazed terracottas of Luca dell'Arobbia.
00:56That reminds me, there's a Chinese Elvis on at the Dog's Bollocks bar tonight, if you fancy it.
01:05Good morning.
01:07Hiya.
01:08Hello.
01:09Donald and Jacqueline from last year.
01:12We haven't really spoken properly since you arrived.
01:14Yeah, well, your look's got to run out at some point.
01:16I'm sorry?
01:17Nothing.
01:18Are you enjoying your holiday?
01:20Well, we were.
01:21Yeah, smashing, thanks. Are you off home?
01:24No, no, we're going on a trip.
01:26We wondered if you'd like to come with us.
01:29No, we're all right here, thanks.
01:32You can have too much culture in one day, can't you?
01:34We're going to Alicante to see a bullfight.
01:39Oh, Dad, I want to see a bullfight. Please, please, please, can we go, please?
01:42Oh, come on, misery goats, let's go.
01:44Yeah, please, Dad, please.
01:45You can forget it.
01:47There's five of us, and when Davros and Doctor Who surface, that makes seven.
01:51I'm not made of money.
01:52It's all free.
01:53Right, come on, let's get all our stuff together.
01:55Honestly, you're tighter than a fly's arse, you are.
01:58Right, come on, you take that, I'll get tits.
02:04Hell, we're going to see a bullfight.
02:07Come on, son, coach leaves in 15 minutes, I want to get changed.
02:12I don't think I'm going to bother.
02:14You what?
02:16Yeah, I think I might just chill out round the pools, you know what I mean?
02:20Well, I thought we were going together.
02:22Ma'am, I'm 37.
02:24We don't have to do everything together.
02:27Back off.
02:29Give me some space.
02:31OK.
02:36What time will you be back?
02:38I've no idea.
02:39But you'll be back for tea.
02:41Well, I don't know, how long does a bullfight last?
02:44It might not finish till late.
02:47I'm not having my tea on me own.
02:50I thought we didn't have to do everything together.
02:56Yeah.
02:58Yeah, yeah, whatever, cool.
03:01I might take a walk into Benidorm.
03:03All right, see you later.
03:06Yeah.
03:07Might go to a club, get pissed, meet some lassies, whatever.
03:20MUSIC
03:46Why didn't Coley and his dad come on holiday with us?
03:49Cos we didn't invite him.
03:53I've never seen Coley and his dad, have I?
03:55No.
03:57Have you?
04:00Well, what do you think?
04:04I don't know.
04:07Can I be Coley and his dad?
04:09If you like.
04:13I'm Coley and his dad.
04:16I can't begin to tell you how many things are wrong with that sentence, son.
04:20Come on, tell her you're ready.
04:22I'm not off on a coach trip with a load of old fogies.
04:25Old fogies? Are you taking the piss? I'm in me prime.
04:28It's a bullfight, it'll be exciting.
04:32Are you sure you're going to be all right with baby Coolio?
04:35Yeah, just go.
04:36Ooh, are you going to be a good boy for your grandma?
04:38Are you? Are you?
04:42Hiya, Mel. You all right, man?
04:44No, I'm not. I've got the runs.
04:46Oh, don't spare us any details, will you?
04:48We're about to send out a search party.
04:50We thought you'd done a runner to Gretna Green.
04:52I couldn't run anywhere in this state.
04:54One false move and we'll be hosing down this wheelchair
04:57till bank holiday Monday.
04:58Oh, bloody hell. All right, Mother.
05:03And where are you all going?
05:04We have been invited on a free trip
05:06with the ever-fragrant Donald and Jacqueline.
05:09Madge knows them,
05:10though I'm not sure you'll recognise them with the clothes on.
05:13Come on!
05:29The rats are leaving the sinking ship.
05:33So are we. Come on.
05:35What are you talking about?
05:36The book's on a coach trip. Come on.
05:38A coach trip? Where to?
05:40It's a surprise.
05:41I don't like surprises.
05:42It's a cultural excursion.
05:43A cultural excursion? In Benidorm?
05:46Come on, I can see you're excited, really.
05:48Don't fight it.
05:53The only culture these people have is between their toes.
05:56Wait for me.
06:03Good morning, ladies and gentlemen,
06:04and welcome to our free Solanas Bullfighting Day coach trip.
06:08Our estimated journey is approximately 40 minutes.
06:12There is no smoking on the coach, no stops along the way...
06:15I can't believe you didn't tell me it was a bullfight.
06:18You know my feelings on animal rights.
06:20Kate, who are we to tell the Spanish how to live their lives?
06:24Bullfighting has been a tradition here since the mid-18th century.
06:28This isn't a busload of largolats off to sing karaoke.
06:32It's a cultural excursion.
06:34HE BELCHES
06:38He was saying?
06:39HE SIGHS
07:00Have you been to a bullfight before, Dad?
07:02No, I haven't. It's exciting, isn't it?
07:04Yeah. Have you been to a bullfight, Mum?
07:07No. Are you looking forward to it?
07:09Yeah. How do two bulls have a fight, Dad?
07:12It's not two bulls that are having a fight.
07:14It's a man against a bull.
07:16Oh.
07:18But that's not fair, cos the bull will win easy.
07:22Well, no, it doesn't, actually. The man always wins.
07:25Oh.
07:26How does the man win?
07:28Well, he's got a sword.
07:31That's not fair.
07:33No, I don't suppose it is, really.
07:35Drink your orange, Michael.
07:37If the man's allowed weapons, why doesn't he just have a gun?
07:41Er, cos it wouldn't last as long.
07:45Well, if the man always wins the fight,
07:49what's the point in going to see it?
07:57Cos it's free!
07:59Oh, yeah!
08:01THEY LAUGH
08:06I don't see why I had to leave my wheelchair behind.
08:10That bloke with the pipes up his nose was allowed to bring his oxygen.
08:16Don't you worry, my sweetheart.
08:18When we're married, you'll never have to walk again.
08:21Well, we don't have to rush into things, do we?
08:25We haven't had a chance to say congratulations, the pair of you.
08:29Have you named the day?
08:30Sooner the better. Not that you'll be invited.
08:32I've heard all about what you two get up to.
08:34Oh, have we done something to upset you?
08:36You ought to be ashamed of yourself, having orgies at your age.
08:39Do you mean last year with Madge?
08:41That wasn't supposed to be an orgy, goodness me!
08:43No!
08:44Only a threesome.
08:47Hiya.
08:51Are you all right?
08:53Yeah. Where's your mam?
08:55It's not my mam. It's my PA.
08:58She's gone on a bit of business for me.
09:00Oh, I see.
09:02Well, I'll see you later.
09:04See you later.
09:06See you later.
09:08See you later.
09:10See you later.
09:12See you later.
09:14She's gone on a bit of business for me.
09:17She's gone on that courtship, hasn't she?
09:21Yeah.
09:23I'm going to get a burger for me dinner.
09:27Can you keep an eye on my baby?
09:29Yeah, course I can.
09:31Do you want one?
09:36Maybe one day.
09:38It's a big commitment, isn't it?
09:40I meant a burger.
09:42Oh, right, er...
09:44I'm not really bothered, thanks.
09:46Well, do you, or don't you?
09:48Yes, please.
09:50Do you want one or two?
09:52Just one. I'm not a big eater.
09:54Well, I'm having two. Do you want two?
09:56Don't mind.
09:58How many do you want?
10:00Three, please.
10:02Right.
10:04Back in a bit.
10:07DOG WHIMPERS
10:11Do you like the call?
10:18Excuse me, what is your mother doing out there?
10:21Sending bloody smoke signals.
10:23What do you think she's doing? She's got the runs.
10:25Do you think Madge will be long?
10:27This isn't the second time we've stopped.
10:29We know it's the second time we've stopped. We can count.
10:32She needs a couple of doughnuts to bind her.
10:35That usually works for me.
10:37Oh, brilliant. Well, we'll tell the driver to pull into the next funfair we pass.
10:50Right, put your foot down. We're late.
10:56You all right, Mum?
10:58Yeah.
11:00I think that was the last of it.
11:02ALL GROAN
11:04Come on, Madge, take no notice.
11:09Oh, I do feel rough.
11:11Don't you worry, my princess. You look a million dollars.
11:14Oh, Madge.
11:35MUSIC CONTINUES
11:46In there, please. Go.
11:49Here, bud.
11:51No smoking in the trousseau.
11:53No smoking.
11:56Just in there. Go inside.
12:00You've got to go in here.
12:04MUSIC CONTINUES
12:09Mateo.
12:11Mateo.
12:14Tell Jose to get in that ball ring and start warming up.
12:17He was pissed as a fart last week and I don't want any more accidents.
12:23Right, ladies and gentlemen, before we go into the ball fight,
12:27I'm pleased to offer you some fabulous fruit juices.
12:30Are the fruit juices gratis?
12:32Only we were told this was a free trip.
12:34All our fruit juices are entirely complimentary,
12:37along with a free juicing demonstration.
12:41The Boost Blaster 2000 is a revolutionary new extractor
12:45for all your modern juicing needs.
12:48Free trip, my arse.
12:50I beg your pardon?
12:52The old thing's just an excuse to try and sell us a bloody juice extractor.
12:55Don't be stupid.
12:57For today only, we have a special offer
12:59discounting the Boost Blaster to less than half price.
13:02That's right, they're flogging juicers.
13:04No need to buy expensive fruit juice drinks.
13:08Simply plug in the Boost Blaster and...
13:10This is unbelievable.
13:12We've come all this way to watch someone chop vegetables.
13:14Do you mind?
13:16You keep interrupting me flow.
13:18Come on, let's get moving.
13:20Nobody here wants to buy a frigging juicer.
13:22Where's the bullfighting?
13:24Oh, dear horses, because I've got to do this for an hour
13:27and I'm only on page one of my script.
13:29An hour? There's not a pair in this room to last an hour.
13:32This is ridiculous.
13:33Right, there's an easy way of sorting this out.
13:35Anybody here who wants to buy a juicer, put your hand up.
13:40How much did she say they were?
13:42Oh, shut up, Martin.
13:44Amazing.
13:51José.
13:54José.
13:57Why do you always do this to me?
13:58Wake up.
13:59Wake up.
14:00Wake up, you jerk.
14:02Mateo.
14:03Mateo.
14:06Mateo, you son of a bitch.
14:09I'm going to cut your balls off
14:11and I'm going to smash them in the juicer.
14:14Bastard.
14:20Look, if I don't sell at least one of these juicers,
14:23then I am not allowed to take you through to the bullfight.
14:26Oh, here we go, free bloody coach trip.
14:28What a load of bollocks.
14:29Stand aside, fella, I'll sort this out.
14:32So if you sell one of these, we can all see the bullfight.
14:35Yes.
14:36Right, I'll take one.
14:37How much are they?
14:38They're 200 euros.
14:39Oh, Jesus.
14:41He's frigging minted.
14:43Christina, can you take the money for the juicer, please?
14:47Right, the rest of you, follow me.
14:50It has got an English plug, hasn't it?
15:07Right.
15:29Right, I'd better get back.
15:32Back to what?
15:33Over there.
15:35Oh, yeah.
15:38The other day, your mam...
15:40Sorry, your PA offered to babysit for Coolio.
15:43Oh, yeah? She's a registered childminder.
15:46Well, ask her if she can look after him one night this week.
15:51I'm going out for a drink with somebody.
15:53Yeah, no problem.
15:55I could look after him if you want.
15:57You don't have a job, you div.
15:59You're the one I'm going out for a drink with.
16:02All right.
16:04Well, don't sound too excited.
16:06No, I'm not.
16:08I mean, I am excited.
16:10Well, not excited in a pervy way.
16:13You know, just in a normal way.
16:15I mean...
16:16Jeff.
16:17Yeah?
16:18Just make sure you ask your mam.
16:20OK.
16:21See you.
16:23Yeah, see you.
16:32Quick, Dad, let's see her.
16:37Right.
16:39A bit empty.
16:40Well, as far as theatrics go, it's not exactly Miss Saigon.
16:43I'm not watching.
16:45I know exactly how he feels.
16:47This is absolutely disgusting.
16:48I won't be watching when the bull comes out.
16:50Oh, come on.
16:51Get the bull out and stick the fireworks up its arse.
16:54Yeah!
16:55Let's get some action.
16:58The bull comes out, I like it.
17:00It's going to come out again?
17:01It comes out again.
17:14Oh, Christ, not him.
17:15He'll end up selling the bull a bloody juicer.
17:20Moo!
17:22Here, come here.
17:23Come here.
17:27Moo!
17:38Ooh, I like the costume.
17:40It's dead sexy, isn't it?
17:42You'll have to get Donald one of them.
17:44Oh, we've already got a French maid's outfit.
17:47Yeah, I bet you look great in that.
17:49Oh, is that mine?
17:54Moo!
17:57Here we go, come on, son.
17:58Get up here, make sure you can see.
18:00Is there going to be loads of blood, Dad?
18:02I don't know.
18:05Toro.
18:08I'm not looking.
18:09Toro.
18:14Vamos, Toro.
18:19Vamos.
18:24Look.
18:27You've got to be joking.
18:35Um, it's OK.
18:37You can look.
18:47Not quite the bloodbath we were anticipating.
18:54Come on.
18:56Bite him, bite his leg.
18:59Hey!
19:00What sort of bullfight is this meant to be?
19:02It's a free trip.
19:03What are you going to do?
19:04Ask for your money back?
19:13Go on, bite him.
19:16Bite his arse.
19:24Come on, bite him.
19:27Hey!
19:28Bite him!
19:37Hey!
19:38Oh!
19:52Get him!
19:53Get him!
20:03What's going on?
20:05Oh, my God, where's Mel?
20:07Stay here, Michael.
20:15Oh, my God.
20:17He's dead.
20:20My husband's dead.
20:22You killed him with a juicer.
20:24Oh, my God.
20:26I didn't think they were married yet.
20:30Jesus Christ.
20:32Mateo, get in here.
20:34Oh, don't just stand there, do something.
20:36What do you want me to do?
20:37Not with your thumb.
20:38You have to use your fingers.
20:39Here.
20:40Excuse me.
20:41Here we are.
20:42No need to panic.
20:43The sugarplum fairy's here.
20:51There's no pulse.
21:07Oh, my God.
21:08Come here, Mum.
21:11I'll take him.
21:13Call an ambulance.
21:14Go on.
21:17Come on, darling.
21:18Come with me.
21:19Ooh.
21:25Fucking hell!
21:28What's happened?
21:29What's going on?
21:30Have I missed the ball fight?
21:31What's happened?
21:32What's going on?
21:33Have I missed the ball fight?
22:01Oh, my God.