According to Jim
  • 4 months ago
Transcript
00:00♪
00:30♪
00:40♪
00:50Troy, how are you?
00:52I'm fine.
00:54No, it's bright sunshine this morning.
00:56Yes, it was some kind of freak storm.
00:59Speaking of freaks, one second.
01:02I'm sorry, someone's sitting there.
01:04Hello, you're sitting in someone's chair.
01:08I have a number of friends who are homosexual.
01:12And both my parents were chronic alcoholics.
01:14It doesn't mean I wish to sit with one at breakfast.
01:17Sorry, Troy, go on.
01:19How's your father today?
01:21Yes?
01:23Yes?
01:29Oh, my goodness, I'm so sorry.
01:32You wouldn't sit a hat.
01:34Your head is too big.
01:36Look, will you go away?
01:37Sorry, love, you can't sit there.
01:39He says I can't.
01:40Look, I tell you what, if you move, I'll open the bar now.
01:48No problem.
01:50Um, I'll get on the first plane this morning.
01:54Are you absolutely sure?
01:56Okay, okay.
01:58Call me later.
01:59Troy?
02:01I love you.
02:02I can see clearly now the rain has gone.
02:06Hey, what about this then, eh?
02:10Oh, come on, misery chops.
02:12Even you can't put a downer on the fact that the sun's come out.
02:16That was Troy.
02:19How's his dad?
02:22Oh, God.
02:28I'll get us a coffee.
02:33Oh, that's better.
02:35Feel that some.
02:37Looks like your theory of yesterday's storm being a terrorist attack
02:40is it's a dead-end, Madge.
02:41Oh, don't you believe it?
02:42It's all part of the cover-up.
02:44Oh, I've got something for you.
02:46I forgot to give you it last night.
02:48I'll bring it over in a minute.
02:51What's all that about?
02:53Well, third's me.
02:55You have won second prize in a beauty contest.
02:58Donald and Jacqueline came joint first.
03:00Oh, shut up.
03:06You should eat something.
03:07You'll fade away.
03:09And you know what I mean.
03:10Morning, boys.
03:11Space at your table.
03:12Oh, God, that's all I need.
03:13I'm going for a lie down.
03:15All right.
03:16See you in a bit.
03:17Was it something I said?
03:19Troy just called.
03:20His dad passed away last night.
03:22Oh, I am sorry.
03:24Yeah, it's a weird one.
03:26Troy didn't really know him.
03:27His dad got in touch with him when he knew he didn't have long to go.
03:30Oh, we've just been looking at coffins on the internet for Donald.
03:35Shall I pop these up to him?
03:37No.
03:38He's being buried tonight, so they're probably sorted, to be honest.
03:41They died yesterday and buried tonight.
03:43Did they get a last-minute cancellation?
03:45No.
03:47Troy's dad was a Muslim.
03:48Part of his religion to get buried within 24 hours.
03:51Oh, I quite like the sound of that.
03:54No messing around, no hassle.
03:56Plus, you know that fussed-on pork?
03:58And you'd look lovely in a turban.
04:08Thanks, Mum.
04:10You all right, love?
04:12Bloody hell, Michael, what have you done?
04:15Well, you said put plenty on.
04:17I know I did, but...
04:19Well, make sure you rub it in.
04:20Hey, go steady with that in the future.
04:22It's about three quid a bottle.
04:24Three quid a bottle?
04:26When was the last time you bought sun cream?
04:31Michael, you could have saved me a bit.
04:34Sorry.
04:35Here you go.
04:36Thanks, Mum.
04:38Mother, this is cooking oil.
04:40That's a job for me.
04:41Here's the notes I was telling you about
04:43off the fella who sang on the karaoke last night.
04:45Johnny Neptune.
04:51Oh, I doubt it'll be for us.
04:52She's probably made a mistake.
04:54What's it say?
04:55I hope you don't think me rude,
04:56but I overheard you having a conversation
04:58about possibly looking for a business in Spain.
05:00A friend of mine has run into trouble with his bar.
05:02He just needs someone to take over the lease.
05:053,000 euros, address below.
05:07Lousy bleeder.
05:08Fancy listening to other people's conversations.
05:10It's a scam.
05:11It's obvious, isn't it?
05:12I'm surprised they didn't ask for our bank details
05:14so his uncle, the ex-Prime Minister of Nigeria,
05:16can clear a cheque for $10 million.
05:18I don't think it would be a scam.
05:20What makes you say that?
05:21You don't know him, do you?
05:22No.
05:23No, I don't.
05:24How much did you say they wanted?
05:26Three grand.
05:27They're taking the piss.
05:28That's what we got for the go-kart bet.
05:30It's a sign.
05:31It's a sign from Mel.
05:33You think this note is a sign from Mel from beyond the grave
05:36to tell you to open a bar in Benidorm on your own?
05:38Absolutely.
05:40I've heard everything now.
05:42In saying that, I don't think he knew anybody in Nigeria.
05:46Although he did once see Johnny Mathis in concert,
05:49so maybe there's a connection there.
05:51Right.
05:52I'll have a couple of hours in the sun.
05:55Then I'll go over and check this bar out.
05:57Mother, this whole rubbish about you staying here is just upsetting me.
06:00Why are you doing it?
06:01It was Mel's dream to have a successful business here in Benidorm
06:05and I'm going to make sure that dream comes true.
06:07Oh, for God's sake, where are you going now?
06:09I'm off for a piss.
06:11Or is that going to upset you now?
06:13Listen, son, all good things come to an end.
06:17And if I'm absolutely honest,
06:19I didn't think she was right for you.
06:22She's beautiful.
06:24Beauty's only skin deep.
06:26It's like the fella I've got a date with tonight.
06:28Now, if I found out he was only meeting up with me because of me looks,
06:31I'd drop him like a hot potato.
06:35You all right there, Pridden?
06:41Look, you're going back with your mum tomorrow.
06:43It's all good timing.
06:45No.
06:46I'm going to give it one last go.
06:52She's like a mythical creature.
06:54I don't think I'll ever see anything like her again.
07:00Ha-ha!
07:02If I had a euro every time somebody said that about me.
07:06Ah, I'm going to miss all this.
07:08Oh, yes, me too.
07:11Well, you're not going anywhere yet.
07:13It's me that's going first.
07:15Well, that's true.
07:17But you can be certain I won't be far behind you.
07:22Hello.
07:23I don't mean to bother you both,
07:25but I just wanted to say I'm so sorry to hear about you.
07:30Well, that you're not going to be.
07:34Um, well, I mean, the fact that you've got...
07:38Three months to live.
07:40Oh, it sounds awful when you put it like that.
07:44Wouldn't it be better to put it into weeks?
07:47If our Geoff were here, he'd be able to work that out for you.
07:52It all amounts to the same thing, whichever way you say it.
07:55Three months, 12 weeks, 84 days.
07:59Actually, it doesn't sound so bad when you say that.
08:03Didn't Phileas Frog go round the world in 80 days?
08:07You could have four days to recover.
08:11Well, we're not mopping around.
08:14We're planning a lovely service.
08:17We've got Jimmy Cricket giving the UJ.
08:20Oh, how do you know him?
08:22I was a theatrical agent for a brief spell many years ago.
08:26I still have quite a few connections.
08:29Donald used to handle Frankie Howard in the 70s, didn't you?
08:33Frequently.
08:35How's your daughter?
08:37We saw her slumped over the bar earlier.
08:41We didn't like to bother her.
08:43Well, she's not too bad, thank you.
08:46She's on some medication that doesn't agree with her.
08:50Well, I'd better be off.
08:53I'll see you later.
08:56Another glass of medication?
08:59Oh, yes.
09:06I'm not sure this is a good idea.
09:08We should stay at the Solana.
09:10What if Troy can't get me on my mobile?
09:12Don't panic. He's got my number as well.
09:14It'll do us good to get out of that place for a bit.
09:16No, I'm sorry.
09:18Unless you tell me where we're going, I'm turning back.
09:20Oh, you are such a spoilsport.
09:22Yeah, look.
09:28Benidorm Museum of Culture?
09:30Is this a joke?
09:31No! I thought you were into museums and stuff.
09:34Look, it's open 10am to 6pm.
09:36I thought we could spend the day there.
09:38I'm not sure the history of the full English breakfast
09:40will fill the next eight hours.
09:41Oh, well, let's just forget it then.
09:42I tell you what, let's go back, sit on our arses
09:44and listen to Donald talk about catering packs of embalming fluid.
09:47No, Kenneth.
09:49Kenneth!
09:53I'm sorry. I was being ungrateful.
09:57It's not exactly the Guggenheim, but, no, let's go.
10:01It'll be fun.
10:05The thing about the Googleheim, if it's crap,
10:08it hasn't got a beach next to it.
10:11Guggenheim.
10:17Mateo.
10:19My slightly greasy but very accommodating colleague
10:22will be with you shortly.
10:24Mateo.
10:27Oh, hola.
10:29Welcome to Solana.
10:31My name is Mateo. How can I help you?
10:33Hi, we're Bananarama.
10:35Banani who?
10:37Bananarama.
10:39Nice names.
10:40We're the group booked for your 80s night.
10:42We're called Bananarama.
10:44Bananarama.
10:46Bananarama.
10:48This is a joke named Jess.
10:50Hello. Are you the tribute act?
10:52We're Bananarama.
10:53Isn't there supposed to be three of you?
10:55Where's the other one?
10:56Yeah, she left in 1988.
10:57How can you be a Bananarama tribute band
11:00if there's only two of you?
11:01We're not a tribute band. We are Bananarama.
11:04Yeah, sure you are.
11:07We had a Queen tribute act here last week.
11:10Lead singer was the same. Changed his name by a deed, but...
11:14Big black tash.
11:16Lives his life exactly like Freddie Mercury.
11:19His wife wasn't too thrilled about it.
11:21But that's show business, I suppose.
11:23We're not a tribute act. I'm Sarah Dallin.
11:25This is Karen Woodward, and we are Bananarama.
11:28Here we are.
11:29So you're telling me that we've booked a real Bananarama
11:32for 400 euros?
11:34We've been a bit quiet lately.
11:36Well, if you are the real thing,
11:37I suppose you probably don't need the money.
11:39Is the money your marriage to George Michael?
11:41No.
11:42I'll show you to your room when you're ready,
11:44and good luck with that.
11:46And just so you know, real Bananarama owner,
11:49if there's nothing even on the stage tonight,
11:51you won't get paid.
11:55So, which one of you is Banana?
12:04What are you doing?
12:05Seeing if I can cut through this.
12:08You've got a broken leg.
12:09I know.
12:10And I've also got absolutely no chance of getting a shag
12:12with this plaster on it.
12:14You won't be able to walk.
12:15It's not walking I'm interested in doing.
12:17No, you won't be able to walk for the rest of your life.
12:21Don't exaggerate.
12:24Natalie, can I have a word?
12:26No.
12:29Sam, I'm warning you, you'll regret this.
12:31Why is it?
12:33You're always fighting men off and I can't get a look in.
12:36Better to have quality than quantity.
12:38I haven't got either.
12:39I mean, what's wrong with me?
12:41Seriously, plaster on my leg or not, I'm fit.
12:44You tell me what self-respecting man wouldn't want a slice of this.
12:48Maybe you're just trying a bit too hard.
12:51Just lie back and let them come to you.
12:54Works for me.
12:58Yeah, I can see that.
13:00Shall I compare thee to a summer's day?
13:03Thou art more lovely and more temperate.
13:07North winds do shake the darling buds of May
13:10And summer's lease hath all too short a date.
13:14Sometime too hot the eye of heaven shines
13:18And often is his gold complexion dimmed
13:22And every fair from fair sometime declines
13:27By chance or nature's changing course untrimmed.
13:37I'm getting another drink. Do you want one?
13:39Yeah, go on, then.
13:49You haven't got an axe o'er, have you?
13:54Hola.
13:56Oh, hello.
13:58Can I have a mixed fruit juice and a vodka and diet coke, please?
14:01Double?
14:03Better make it a single.
14:06It's going to be a long day.
14:08You are coming to the 80's night tonight?
14:10Not sure. See how my friend feels.
14:13Oh, we have banani and rama. Very good.
14:17Mateo?
14:19Can we have a chat tonight?
14:21I don't mean two minutes. I mean a proper chat.
14:25Sure. It's my night off tonight.
14:28I'll meet you in Neptune's. Then maybe we'll go somewhere else.
14:31OK.
14:33See you later.
14:34See you later.
14:40Hey, amigo.
14:42Hey. I need your help.
14:44What can I do for you, my little tranny friend?
14:47Look, I'm not one to go pulling in favours, but, well,
14:51you know how I kind of saved your job?
14:54Leslie, you did not save my job.
14:56I lost my job and you, you make it happen again.
15:00Aye, I got your job back.
15:02You got me my job back. It's what I'm saying.
15:05And for this, I will help you in any way I can.
15:07I owe you, brother.
15:09I mean...
15:11sister.
15:13Well, the thing is, I've got a date tonight.
15:15Really? No problem. I will work for you.
15:18You go out, you have fun, meet the man of your dreams,
15:22marry, have little tranny babies, all is good.
15:26No, I've got someone to call me shift,
15:29but I need somebody to go with me.
15:31Go with you?
15:33Yeah. It's kind of a double date.
15:36What is double date?
15:38Well, I need to take a friend for his friend.
15:42No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
15:45No. I am not a homosexual guy.
15:48No, no, you wouldn't have to do anything. Just sit there.
15:51I'll even pay for the meal.
15:53No. This is not going to happen.
15:56Right. OK.
15:58So me getting you your job back wasn't such a big deal after all.
16:04Yes, Pip? Orange juice, please.
16:06Orange juice, yes, Pip. Coming up.
16:11You all right, son? How's it going?
16:13Not great.
16:16Oh, erm...
16:18I brought you this.
16:20Thought you could wear it for your date tonight.
16:22Oh, thanks, son.
16:24But, er...
16:26I'm not going, no.
16:28But you were really looking forward to it.
16:30Well, I never mind, er.
16:32Looks like neither of us are having much luck lately.
16:47I will just have to sit at the table.
16:49That's all?
16:51No going to dodgy clubs in the old town after.
16:54All we got to do is eat.
17:05OK, Cinderella, you will have your balls.
17:08Oh, hey, man.
17:11I could kiss you!
17:13Sorry, sorry, sorry.
17:15I'd love to move to Spain, Nanny.
17:17Swimming on the beach in my lunch hour at school.
17:19Cool.
17:21Nobody's asking you to move to Spain.
17:23You're running a business in a foreign country all on your own.
17:26Me and Mel did it before.
17:28And look what a roaring success that was.
17:30Exactly. You and Mel did it before.
17:32You're on your own now.
17:33Oh, thanks for reminding me.
17:35For your information, I am staying in Benidorm.
17:38I'm going to run a successful business
17:40and I'm going to do it for Mel.
17:42Here we are, the Batley Arms.
17:44Hang on, wasn't this...?
17:46Mel's mobility shop.
17:48I told you, it's a sign.
17:51Excuse me, we're looking for the owner.
17:53Oh, I'm sorry, love, he's...
17:55Oh, hello, Madge. How you doing?
17:57Oh, Christ, not you. This isn't your bar, is it?
18:00No, no, no, it's Freddy Coleman's bar.
18:02You know Freddy?
18:03Used to do a drag act at the Queen's in the old town.
18:05Wife left him early in the year. He was gutted.
18:08She took all his best frocks.
18:10Anyway, listen to me banging on. Have a seat, what can I get you?
18:13We're here on business, not pleasure.
18:15When's he back?
18:16What, Freddy? He's in the UK, touring with the Grumbleweeds.
18:19I thought this place was for sale.
18:21Oh, it is. Well, not for sale as such,
18:23but he needs someone to take over the place.
18:25I've heard he wants three grand. I'll give him a grand, not a penny more.
18:29Oh, I think you've missed the point.
18:31It's a five-year lease. He pays you three grand to take it over.
18:34Freddy's sweating his bollocks off doing eight shows a week
18:37in a nylon wig just to keep this place afloat.
18:39You what?
18:40It's happening all over Benidorm.
18:41Too many bars and not enough tourists.
18:43Well, that's not true, there are enough tourists.
18:46They just aren't spending the money.
18:48Enough. Lodge?
18:50All right.
18:53Thanks, son.
18:54Come on, ma'am.
18:55Have a drink before you go. 90 cents a pint, cheaper than Benny.
18:59Sorry, love, it's all inclusive at the Solana.
19:02Aye, that's the problem.
19:10Never mind, ma'am. I suppose it's a lucky escape in some ways.
19:13You don't want to go limping from one disaster to another.
19:16I'm sorry, Mel. I tried.
19:19I tried.
19:32Well, I'd say I was surprised, but it would, of course, be a filthy lie.
19:36I can't understand it. It's in the guidebook.
19:40Benidorm on a budget. 1999.
19:44We're not far from the beach, and I brought us a couple of towels just in case.
19:47Not far from the beach? It's taken two buses and a 15-minute walk to get here.
19:50Well, no, according to this guidebook,
19:52there's a lovely little cove beach two minutes down this road.
19:55Well, I hope they've not moved it since 1999.
20:06How beautiful is the winning of a kiss?
20:12Oh!
20:14Gorgeous!
20:17Good thing about using an out-of-date guidebook,
20:19you can sometimes come across a lost treasure.
20:22Absolutely.
20:30Well, I think 40 winks may be in order.
20:33I hope the sound of the waves lapping against the shore isn't too intrusive.
20:38How delicious is the dreaming of a touch?
20:43Breathing in harmony, singing that melody.
20:49Two hearts in tune for love.
21:00You really should eat something, you know.
21:03I'm not hungry.
21:04Did you get any sleep last night?
21:08What day is it today?
21:09Look, Pauline, I think we need to talk.
21:13Hola.
21:14Two more cocktails.
21:16Sorry, no more cocktails.
21:18What do you mean, no more cocktails?
21:20It's two o'clock in the afternoon.
21:22No more cocktails for you.
21:24A bigger pardon?
21:26My boss, she say, do not serve the angry alcoholic lesbian she drink too much.
21:31Say that again.
21:34My boss, she say, do not serve the angry alcoholic lesbian she drink too much.
21:40Sir, apart from your own narrow-minded prejudices,
21:44on what evidence are you basing your wild assumption that I'm an alcoholic?
21:53You drink all day and all night.
21:56You do not eat.
21:57You stagger around smelling of alcohol.
22:00You cannot remember which room you are staying.
22:03You find it difficult to stand without swaying from side to side.
22:06And you spend every night sitting on your balcony,
22:09singing and crying until the early hours of the morning.
22:13And just because of that you assume I'm an alcoholic?
22:17I have to get on with my work.
22:20Fine.
22:21If you won't get me a drink, I'll get one myself.
22:25Hey, where are you going?
22:27No, Pauline, come back.
22:30I'll get you some mouthwash from upstairs.
22:33There's alcohol in that.
22:39Large gin and tonic, please.
22:41I'm sorry, pet, I can't serve you with alcohol.
22:43Why don't you have a nice soft drink and a bite to eat?
22:46And on what grounds are you not serving me?
22:49If it's because you think I'm drunk, I can assure you I'm still in cool sober.
22:56What's going on here?
22:58If it is your policy to no longer serve holidaymakers once they are bust,
23:03then I suggest after 11am you turn this into a fucking juice bar.
23:08This is Billy Dorm.
23:1095% of the people here are arseholes 24 hours a day.
23:15If you can't get persistent holiday,
23:17when in the name of Paul Gascoigne can you?
23:21It was me.
23:24I asked them to not serve you.
23:27I'm sorry, Pauline.
23:29It was me.
23:31And so, finally,
23:34Judas Iscariot shows himself.
23:40At least Jesus was betrayed with a kiss.
23:43I was only thinking of your health.
23:45We can review the situation tomorrow.
23:48I don't need you to say that.
23:51I don't need you to think of my health.
23:54And I don't need you to review the situation.
23:58And I certainly don't need a drink.
24:02There you go, John, one large bottle of orange.
24:05Ah!
24:07Come away! Come on!
24:17Oh, Pauline!
24:22Oh!
24:32Morning.
24:34I slept slightly longer than I intended.
24:38One of the perks of being on holiday.
24:40Here, I've got you a drink. It's still cold.
24:44I'm afraid it's not quite as exclusive as it was an hour ago.
24:48It's practically paradise compared to the main beach.
24:51Say that again.
24:52I think this is the hottest it's been since we got here, wouldn't you say?
24:55Absolutely.
25:01Right, I think it's time to cool off.
25:12Oh!
25:18Oh!
25:25Are you not coming in?
25:27Oh, hello.
25:28No, just a paddle for me, I think.
25:31It's quite cold.
25:32Can you not swim?
25:33I swim very well, thank you.
25:35I just don't want to go in.
25:36OK, well, let me know if you need a hand.
25:38I came top of my class in breaststroke.
25:40Yes, I'm sure you did.
25:44Ah!
25:49My book! My book!
25:55Don't worry, I got your book.
25:58It should dry out if you leave it in the sun for a little bit.
26:01Ah!
26:05You! You!
26:07Everything all right?
26:08No, everything's not all right.
26:10Benidorm Museum of Culture, you knew very well it wasn't open.
26:14I didn't, I didn't know that.
26:15Ha!
26:16All right, I knew there was a gay nudist beach nearby,
26:18but I didn't know the museum was shut.
26:20You said you liked it here.
26:21I liked it as an empty...
26:23..beach!
26:24Not full of degenerates!
26:26Full of what?
26:28They're not degenerates, they're men stripping off to get a tan.
26:31You know what your problem is, don't you?
26:33No! Do enlighten me!
26:35You are a dry, narrow-minded, petty, tight-arsed,
26:38vicious, self-loathing, homosexual.
26:40You hate these people because they're living their lives
26:42exactly how you'd like to live yours.
26:44You haven't got the balls!
26:45You're sacked! Do you hear me? You're sacked!
26:47You can't sack me, we're not at work!
26:49You are sacked!
26:50Yeah, well, I'll tell you what, you can't sack me, cos I've resigned.
26:53Do you hear me? I've resigned!
26:55You can't resign after you've been sacked!
26:57Do you want your book back or not?
26:59Jesus Christ!
27:00You'll have to excuse my friend, he's never seen a penis before.
27:03Not even his own!
27:04I want your things out of the apartment by sundown!
27:07By sundown? Who do you think you are, Clint Eastwood?
27:11Thanks.
27:13Sorry about that.
27:16I think I'll go for a dip while this dries off.
27:18Be careful, it's a bit cold.
27:20Could have fooled me.
27:27Melvin Churchill Harvey.
27:30Bloody ridiculous name.
27:33Mind you, not as ridiculous as some of your outfits.
27:37I remember the first time you bent over in that leopard-skin song.
27:41I thought Mick was going to pass out.
27:43Your singing weren't up to much either.
27:46And what with all that?
27:48Plus your snoring, sweating,
27:51constant complaining about your bad back.
27:54I don't think there's ever been anyone on earth
27:57who loved someone as much as I loved you.
28:00So, what do you think about this bar, then?
28:04What do you think about this bar, then?
28:08Looks tired and run down.
28:10It's miles away from the main drag.
28:12Looks like it's not taken a euro in weeks.
28:15They literally can't give the police away.
28:19But something tells me
28:22that's not how Mel Harvey would look at it.
28:26What do you say?
28:28Should I go for it?
28:29I need you to tell me.
28:31Just because you're not here anymore
28:33doesn't mean I've stopped relying on you.
28:35Are you ready, Nan?
28:37Are you all right?
28:39The front door was open. I could hear voices.
28:41I was just having a chat.
28:42A chat?
28:43Who with? There's nobody here.
28:45With Mel.
28:46Oh, Mother.
28:47Do you want to stay in tonight? I could sit with you if you want.
28:50What would I want to stay indoors for?
28:52Sitting in a miserable pokey room,
28:54watching carry-on films in German?
28:56No, thank you.
28:57Come on, let's be off.
29:02DOOR CREAKS
29:04Oh, you're all right. Do you need a push?
29:06No, it's not that. I just won't budge.
29:09Hang on, there's something stuck round your back wheel.
29:11Wait there.
29:13Right, move forward a bit.
29:15DOOR CREAKS
29:17Go on, that's it.
29:21Bloody hell.
29:23It's no wonder you couldn't go anywhere.
29:26Must have fallen off somebody's balcony.
29:29Right, do you know what you're doing now?
29:32Oh, yes.
29:34I know exactly what I'm doing.
29:41MUSIC PLAYS
29:59MUSIC CONTINUES
30:13Keep an eye on that one, will you?
30:15Sorry, Janie, tonight's my night off.
30:17What are you doing here, then?
30:19I'm here to meet Leslie.
30:21Oh, yeah. You two got odd days, have you?
30:29You all set?
30:31OK, no problem.
30:33Listen, Matthew, you know you're doing this
30:35because without me, you wouldn't have a job.
30:38Yes, I know this.
30:39And I'm asking a big favour,
30:41but without my help, you wouldn't be working.
30:43OK.
30:44And the way things are in Benidorm at the moment,
30:46there's no guarantee you would have got another job.
30:48I know. I know I owe you big time, Leslie.
30:51This is why I'm coming with you.
30:53OK, it's just that there's one aspect of the deity
30:56There's one aspect of the deity I've forgotten to tell you.
31:05MUSIC CONTINUES
31:13You all right, going?
31:17MUSIC CONTINUES
31:27MUSIC CONTINUES
31:36Liam, I'm sorry. There's nothing else to say.
31:39You're a really nice guy, but...
31:42I'm not interested.
31:46I think you are interested.
31:48What am I supposed to say to that?
31:51You're a nice guy, but it would never work.
31:55I think it could work.
31:58I don't mean to be cruel, but you're not my type.
32:02I think I am your type.
32:04Liam, for God's sake!
32:06CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
32:15And the next person we're calling on is Mick Garvey.
32:18Come on, Mick, let's hear it for him!
32:21CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
32:26OK, join in if you know the words.
32:32You, to me, are everything.
32:35The sweetest song that I could sing.
32:38Liam! I'm getting back with Mateo.
32:42Mateo?
32:44He treated you so badly.
32:46Yeah, well, people change.
32:50Move it, sap boy. I think you're up next.
32:53I just said something about simple minds.
33:01Goodbye!
33:05I'm putting this down for Ireland in the stream.
33:07You'll have to be Kenny Rogers.
33:09Sorry, but you ain't got the tits to be Dolly.
33:12Plus, the beard helps.
33:14LAUGHTER
33:36I know you don't believe me when I say you're sacked.
33:38Just chill out, will you? I'm not bothered. I'm on holiday.
33:41You're on holiday for another 24 hours.
33:43You're going back home. That was always the agreement.
33:45Well, no, that was the agreement if I was going back to work.
33:48As I'm not, I thought I'd check into another room and stay for one more week.
33:51I don't think there's any rush to start the tribunal, do you?
33:54Tribunal? Unfair dismissal.
33:57Oh, here you go. Found a great song for you.
34:00Elton John. Sorry seems to be the hardest word.
34:06I think you're doing really well tonight.
34:10Doing really well? What on earth do you mean?
34:12Well, you know, you're laying off the drink a bit.
34:16Add a wash, run a comb through your hair.
34:19You make it sound as though I can't function without alcohol.
34:25Come on, everybody!
34:28How do you hit that high?
34:33Yeah!
34:37Come on!
34:43People are looking at me.
34:45Because you look nice.
34:47I look OK?
34:49You look great.
34:51This skirt is not too short. I don't want to look, how do you say, issy.
34:54The edge you open.
34:56A man can never be too rich and a skirt can never be too short.
34:59You know I'm not enjoying this.
35:01Oh, absolutely.
35:04Let's go somewhere else tonight.
35:07I can't, I'm seeing Matteo.
35:09We're just having a chat.
35:11Anyway, it's Bananarama tonight.
35:14Bananarama tribute act.
35:16There'll be three blokes in drag miming.
35:18We can still have a drink.
35:20I'm not going.
35:22I'm not going.
35:24I'm not going.
35:26I'm not going.
35:28I'm not going.
35:30I'm not going.
35:32We can still have a dance.
35:34Plus, the drink's nearer free.
35:36We've not got any money.
35:38Yeah, I really can't wait to have a dance.
35:40Thank you very much.
35:42Good night, Bananarama!
35:44CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
35:50All right!
35:54Last at the karaoke is Liam, with another great 80s number.
35:58From the Caminades, let's hear it for Liam.
36:02CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
36:24Don't leave me this way
36:28I can't survive
36:30I can't stay alive
36:32Without your love
36:34Oh, baby
36:36Don't leave me this way
36:40Oh, my God!
36:42Let's go.
36:44You can see Matteo tomorrow.
36:46Excuse me?
36:48Do you know where Matteo is?
36:50He left ages ago.
36:52He's nice afternoon.
36:54I think he's on some sort of date.
36:57Come on. We're going out.
37:00Where are we going?
37:02Anyone.
37:04I thought we didn't have any money.
37:06Why, that could have stopped us.
37:20Yeah, well, go on. This is us.
37:22Wait. We cannot go in here.
37:24What are you talking about, man?
37:26Best restaurant in Penidome, this?
37:28No, you don't understand. I used to work here.
37:30I know all the staff. And Lorenzo, the owner,
37:32I have known since I was a little boy.
37:34Don't you mean since you were a little girl?
37:36Yeah. They cannot see me like this.
37:38Go inside and tell your friends we go somewhere else.
37:40Oh, you're joking, man.
37:42Saturday night, we'll never get a table anywhere decent.
37:44Anyway, nobody's going to recognise you dressed like that.
37:46OK, then I'll go.
37:48Look, look, hang on. For God's sake, man.
37:50Stay there. Two minutes.
37:52Hurry.
37:56What are you looking at?
38:20Oh, it's a Spanish menu tonight.
38:22Would you recommend?
38:24Well, I usually tend to go for something fishy.
38:26But Jacqueline prefers the chorizo sausage in cider.
38:32I beg your pardon?
38:34Chorizo. They also do in red wine.
38:36But Jacqueline prefers the sausage in cider.
38:40Aren't we all?
38:44Talk in of your lovely wife, Donald.
38:46Where is she?
38:48Oh, she met two very attractive ladies this afternoon.
38:52And, well, let's just say they made her an offer she couldn't refuse.
38:58Right, ladies and gents,
39:00I hope you're enjoying our 80s night here at Neptune's.
39:04Well, it's only going to get better
39:06as I introduce to you
39:08the fabulous
39:10Banana Rama!
39:18Oh, my God, it's Jacqueline!
39:48Excuse me.
39:50Do you have a light?
39:52Of course.
39:58Gracias.
40:00De nada.
40:02You're waiting for somebody?
40:04Yeah.
40:06You waiting long?
40:08Too long.
40:10Slow night, is it?
40:12I cannot go inside the restaurant
40:14because I know me in there.
40:16Ah, I see.
40:18Yes, and I do not want to cause a scene.
40:20No. You wouldn't want to do that.
40:24Have you got anywhere to go?
40:26No. The problem is I have worked all over town.
40:29Really?
40:31Yes. I suppose we could go to a hotel,
40:33but over the years I have worked in most of those too.
40:36Bloody hell. So you have, um...
40:39worked all your life, then?
40:41Of course. What else can I do?
40:43Yeah, I see.
40:45Yeah, I see your point.
40:50You can always come to my place.
40:52You have a place?
40:54Where is it? I need somewhere close by.
40:56I don't want this to take all night.
40:58I really need to get out of these knickers.
41:00Easy, tiger.
41:02It's only a couple of streets away.
41:04Good.
41:05But first I need to know
41:07what kind of price we're looking at.
41:09Not too expensive.
41:11No, I didn't think so.
41:13We're ahead.
41:18I'm arresting you for soliciting in a public place.
41:21What? What are you talking about?
41:23I thought you had a restaurant.
41:25I am waiting for my friend.
41:27I am not a whore. I am a barman.
41:37I have told you before, I am not a whore.
41:39I work in a hotel.
41:41I believe that you were...
41:43I thought you had a restaurant.
41:45You cheated me. You were lying to me.
41:47Leave her alone. She's just trying to earn a living.
41:49You're a fascist.
41:55Mateo!
41:57Natalie, this is not how it looks.
42:11I can't understand it.
42:13To what year am I meant to go?
42:31The one in the middle has let herself go a bit.
42:33It's not Bizzac. That's Jacqueline.
42:35Is it?
42:37I don't know.
42:39It's Jacqueline.
42:41Is it?
42:43I never knew she was in Bananarama.
42:45Hey, you. What's in that drink?
42:47Juice from a juice.
42:49Yeah, it better be.
42:51So you're still coming to live with us for a bit?
42:53No, I'm not coming.
42:55I'm not coming.
42:57I'm not coming.
42:59I'm not coming.
43:01I'm not coming.
43:03I'm not coming.
43:05I'm not coming.
43:07I'm not coming.
43:09I'm not coming.
43:11I'm not coming.
43:13So you're still coming to live with us for a bit, then, Nana?
43:15Yeah, just until the council re-outies her.
43:17I can talk for meself, thank you, Janice.
43:19No, son.
43:21I've got a lovely two-bedroom flat sorted.
43:23Hey, nice one, Madge.
43:25No point hanging about, is there?
43:27When did you sort this out?
43:29I haven't.
43:31But I will do first thing in the morning.
43:33That's what I like about you, Madge.
43:35You don't let the grass grow under your wheels.
43:39Where is it, Nana?
43:41Are you still going to be near us?
43:43Oh, very close.
43:45Well, close to where you are right now.
43:47It's above that bar we looked at.
43:49What?
43:51I'm taking on that bar.
43:53Oh, Mother, not again.
43:55What do you mean, not again?
43:57You don't know what you're doing.
43:59It was different when you were with Mel,
44:01but you're on your own now.
44:03Thanks for reminding me.
44:05You know what I mean.
44:07No, she's not.
44:09She's not on her own.
44:11How do you fancy a business partner?
44:13You what?
44:15What, so we're going to live in Spain?
44:17Whoa, whoa, hang on a minute.
44:19When did you change your tune?
44:21You know what a stubborn old getch she is.
44:23You're not going to talk her out of it.
44:25And if you can't beat them, you may as well join them.
44:33Right, just everyone hang on a minute.
44:35I think we've all had a bit too much to drink.
44:37If you want something to do,
44:39what's wrong with coming home
44:41and working in one of the sunbed shops?
44:43I have artificial sun when I can stay here
44:45and have the real thing.
44:47Well, hey, I'll drink to that.
44:49We'll talk about this in the morning.
44:57I'm off for a dance, Nanny.
44:59Do you want to come?
45:01No, she doesn't like home.
45:03Yeah, yeah, I will have a dance with you, son.
45:05Come on.
45:07What?
45:09As I said, if you can't beat them, join them.
45:35It could be this way
45:37But the ride is on
45:39I'm walking out of the way
45:41I'm knowing
45:43And I don't know
45:45Where I'm going
45:47But I'm
45:49Moving on
46:05I'm moving on
46:35I'm moving on
46:37I'm moving on
46:39I'm moving on
46:41I'm moving on
46:43I'm moving on
46:45I'm moving on
46:47I'm moving on
46:49I'm moving on
46:51I'm moving on
46:53I'm moving on
46:55I'm moving on
46:57I'm moving on
46:59I'm moving on
47:01I'm moving on