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🎥
Short filmTranscript
00:00This programme contains strong language and adult humour
00:31Do you know, I really did enjoy yesterday.
00:35Well, yes. Lounging by a pool is all well and good,
00:39but it doesn't keep you active.
00:41Oh, don't worry.
00:43Donald and I keep ourselves extremely active.
00:46Thank you very much.
00:48Which is why I've arranged another activity for today.
00:51Oh, you've got to be joking.
00:53I'm supposed to be on my holidays.
00:55You enjoyed yesterday.
00:57You said yourself we make a great team.
00:59What is it, and can we get a cab there?
01:03Don't worry. You're within touching distance of it.
01:06Ooh! I like the sound of that.
01:25There you go.
01:26Oh, but listen, if you lose this key again,
01:29I'm going to have to lock you in the room
01:31and tell the bogeyman where you live.
01:33HE LAUGHS
01:35Oh, morey jokin'.
01:37I'm sure the bogeyman doesn't know you're on holiday.
01:40Oh, dear, does she want the lolly?
01:45Gee, I think I said the wrong thing there.
01:48I also think the problem was your face.
01:50What about me face?
01:52She saw it.
01:54Very funny.
01:56Yeah, Leslie, what is all this crap?
01:58Crap? How dare you? That's a lifetime's collection.
02:01A collection of crap. What is it doing here?
02:03It's for the Spanish market. I'd better get a move on.
02:06You can hold the fort this end, can't you?
02:08I do not know what this means, but yes, go.
02:11Right, see you later.
02:16Buenos dÃas. Hola. Buenos dÃas.
02:19Mateo, what on earth is going on? The lifts aren't working.
02:22I know. He's the reason the lift men are here.
02:25I've just had to walk down 14 flights of...
02:27SHE SCREAMS
02:37Hostia! Miss Templer-Savage, are you all OK?
02:46You fell right down them stairs.
02:49No, did I? I can't say I noticed.
02:52Oh, yes, you came down them with the right thump.
02:57Do you not remember?
02:59Of course I remember.
03:01You just said you didn't notice.
03:04Here, sit down. You're OK.
03:07How can she be OK? She fell right down them stairs.
03:11Just go away!
03:13Sorry, I didn't mean to shout. I just meant to...
03:16Oh, it's all right. I quite understand.
03:19You don't feel yourself when you've had a wallop on the head, do you?
03:23I do not know what is wallop.
03:25Oh!
03:27Oh, dear.
03:29Your head's blowing up like a balloon.
03:33Oh!
03:35Have you got some vinegar and brown paper?
03:38Vinegar and brown... What on earth are you talking about?
03:42Well, it worked for Jack and Jill.
03:44Will you just go away, savage?
03:47SHE GASPS
03:49What the hell are you doing?
03:53Oh, Crystal.
03:55Oh, what a delightful surprise.
03:59You look sensational.
04:01That's more than I can say for you.
04:04Oh, hello.
04:06Are you just booking in?
04:08I'm on me own today,
04:10on account of my son being out.
04:13Oh, being out on business.
04:16You don't fancy a game of dominoes, do you?
04:19No, thank you.
04:21I thought not.
04:23Bear bear.
04:27What on earth have you done?
04:29I haven't done anything. They're all like that.
04:31No, I mean you, savage.
04:33How many flights of stairs have you fallen down?
04:35It's a slight loss of footing.
04:37I seem to have survived relatively unscathed.
04:40Well, that's a matter of opinion.
04:43Sorry.
04:46Oh, Elvis, just leave the bags here.
04:49I'll just stay one night.
04:51Here? What do you want to stay here for?
04:55Do I? I mean, my goodness.
04:58What a thrill.
05:00Mateo, can we have the honeymoon suite refreshed for Miss Hennessy Vass?
05:05Oh, I think the honeymoon suite has just been booked for this evening.
05:09Well, then kindly unbook it.
05:12OK.
05:15And then I'm going to take you to lunch, after I've made my inspection, of course.
05:19I'll come with you.
05:20No, there's no need. I know my way around, you know.
05:23Now, you just scurry off and book that table for two.
05:27Oh, Miss Hennessy Vass, I am wondering if I can speak to you.
05:33A wedding?
05:35Oh, yes. Well, next month I will be a barmaid at Solana for ten years.
05:40What do you want, a cake?
05:42No. I am thinking it is time for promotion.
05:48Maybe.
05:51Or maybe not.
05:56Mateo, I'll be in touch.
06:06That's it. You need to spread it all out. Try and make it look nice.
06:10See if you can get a couple of Euros each for it all.
06:15What's going on here, then? Are you having a clear-out?
06:18Spanish market.
06:20Tea towels and car boot crap? What's Spanish about that?
06:24Well, you're in Spain.
06:26Oh, dear.
06:29I am beautiful, no matter what they say.
06:33Words can't bring me down.
06:37Oh, I am beautiful in every single way.
06:41Uh, excuse me. Am I interrupting you?
06:44Oh, sorry, love. Sit yourself down.
06:47I'll be back in a minute.
06:49I'll be back in a minute.
06:51I'll be back in a minute.
06:53I'll be back in a minute.
06:55Oh, sorry, love.
06:57Sit yourself down. Get your trotters out.
07:00Trotters?
07:01Yeah, don't worry if they're a bit whiffy.
07:03There's a bottle of Cillit Bang on a cloth behind that desk.
07:09You're not my 11 o'clock pedicure, are you?
07:12Crystal Hennessy-Verse.
07:14That's not that freshwater colonic they're doing down the indoor market, is it?
07:17My name is Crystal Hennessy-Verse,
07:20and I am the CEO of the Solana Leisure Group.
07:24Oh, shit.
07:25That's one way of putting it.
07:28I got a cheap shampoo from the pound shop.
07:30You remembered to keep them L'Oreal bottles, didn't you?
07:33Oh.
07:35Three-star thinking, boys. I like it.
07:47It's some kind of market.
07:49There you are, then. Off you go.
07:51What do you mean?
07:52You love the market, don't you?
07:54That's where you buy all your clothes.
07:56No, I do not.
07:57All right, calm down.
07:58I buy all my gear from catalogues these days.
08:00You try and find a market that will take £1.50 a week.
08:03Morning.
08:04All right.
08:05Great night last night.
08:07Was it?
08:08Lovely wartime feel about the evening.
08:12Making your own entertainment.
08:15Everybody pulling together, you know.
08:17The only pulling he's doing this holiday is when he gets to his room.
08:21Do you mind?
08:23Oh, don't worry. The right girl will come along.
08:27I mean, if my son can find the woman of his dreams,
08:31there's hope for everyone.
08:33I don't mean there's anything wrong with our Jeff.
08:37He just has exceptionally high standards.
08:41Yeah, right.
08:47Oh. My. God.
08:52MUSIC PLAYS
08:55Oh, mud and sand are here.
08:57I'd better go find some sunbeds.
09:08MUSIC PLAYS
09:13So you think we need a gimmick to pull the customers in?
09:16Exactly.
09:17I thought we could give a free makeover to one of the residents.
09:20No, we've been through all this before.
09:22We're meant to be selling our services, not giving them away.
09:24No, no, no, no. It's brilliant.
09:26You'll have a guest walking around the hotel looking fabulous
09:29and telling everybody to go to blow and go.
09:31Yes. Actually, I think that was my idea.
09:35Ah, Crystal. There you are.
09:38Were you at the restaurant in 15 minutes?
09:41I bought the San Sebastian. It's very exclusive.
09:44Somewhat of a hidden treasure, you might say.
09:46The San Sebastian.
09:48Oh, I adore Sasha. You do know the manager.
09:52Of course. Sasha.
09:55She's a close personal friend.
09:58Sasha is a he.
10:01Oh.
10:03So, the operation was a success.
10:09Must be another Sasha.
10:13I'll be outside.
10:16Don't worry about Temple, savage.
10:19She won't be on your back for very much longer.
10:22Right, I have to go.
10:24Goodbye, gentlemen.
10:27MUSIC PLAYS
10:43I'll be in no fit state to wear it this afternoon.
10:46That's my third.
10:48Sorry?
10:50Nothing.
10:52Do you know, I've never been here before.
10:55Yeah, it is rather chic, isn't it?
10:57It's only knots of solana into a copped hat.
11:00I mean, what I mean is...
11:02Yes, yes, I know.
11:04I mean, that is why we had to bring the solana down to a three star.
11:07We can't possibly compete with all of this, nor would we wish to.
11:11You're absolutely right all along.
11:13We're budget and we're proud.
11:16That's what you said, isn't it?
11:18Yeah, I did say that. We are budget and we are proud.
11:21Which brings me seamlessly to the whole point of this luncheon, Joyce.
11:26The staff wages bill is still far too high.
11:30Believe me, this'll...
11:32I've been through this with a fine Duke of Kent.
11:35We can't possibly cut the staff wages any more.
11:39We're living in handsome houses, it is.
11:41Yeah, well, that is why I am cutting your salary by 50%.
11:46You're asking me to take a 50% pay cut?
11:49Of course I'm not.
11:51Oh, sweetie.
11:53No, I found somebody who is going to do your job for 50% less.
11:58You're firing me?
12:00Of course I'm not firing you, Joyce.
12:02That would leave the most terrible stain on your CV.
12:05We are friends, after all.
12:07We are.
12:09I'm letting you go, darling.
12:11Now, as of today, your contract ends, but don't worry.
12:14You can stay in your apartment for another week.
12:17I'm not a complete bastard.
12:20A week to vacate my apartment?
12:23That's what friends are for.
12:34Well, I must say, this is lovely.
12:37Well, I must say, this is lovely.
12:41Yeah.
12:43I was just saying, this is lovely.
12:47Very nice.
12:49Mother, she's Romanian, not deaf.
12:55Did Jeff meet you at the airport?
13:01Mmm...
13:03No, but he told me which bus to catch.
13:06The bus is actually quicker than the taxi.
13:09You look lovely.
13:13Lovely.
13:15And a lovely name, too.
13:18Rubella.
13:20Used to mean German measles in my day,
13:23but I suspect it's something much nicer in your language.
13:28Yanella.
13:29My sister suffered terribly from them as a child.
13:34What?
13:35Her name's Yanella.
13:38No, it's not. It's Doreen.
13:41What?
13:42My sister's name is Doreen.
13:44It's her name.
13:46Who's your name, Doreen, as well?
13:50Well, who's Rubella?
13:51Nobody.
13:53Your sister is German?
13:55My sister German, no.
13:58She was born in Widnes.
14:01I was just saying, your name in German means measles.
14:06No, no, it doesn't.
14:10What I mean is the type of Germans my sister had
14:16were called Rubella.
14:18Not Germans, measles.
14:20And the type of measles Rubella had were...
14:25Hang on, that's not right, either.
14:28Why don't you have a siesta?
14:30I could take Rubella to the market if you want to lie down, son.
14:35How many times? It's Yanella.
14:37I would like to change my clothes.
14:40Change your clothes?
14:41Right.
14:42Oh, do you want the key for the room?
14:44No, I need some money.
14:49Right.
14:50You don't need money.
14:52This holiday's inconclusive.
14:54All-inclusive.
14:56So I can change my clothes.
14:59I've only got 50 euro.
15:01Thank you, Jeff.
15:02I will be back.
15:08Oh, son.
15:11I think we need to have a talk.
15:18Oh, I have a piano lessons.
15:22When I was a teenager,
15:24I used to beg my Uncle Dennis
15:26to let me have a bash on his upright.
15:30Hi, Glyn.
15:31Billy, this is Jacqueline who I was telling you about.
15:34Oh, enchanted.
15:37I was just saying to Glyn
15:39I was always pestering my Uncle Dennis for private lessons.
15:44He won prizes for his fingering.
15:48Billy's not going to give you a piano lesson, Jacqueline.
15:51He's going to give you a singing lesson.
15:54I couldn't believe it when I bumped into Billy.
15:57He used to be very big on the new discovery scene.
16:00Billy Sparkle and his baby grand.
16:03That can't be a real name.
16:05No, my real name's Brian.
16:08Well, shall we start with some scales?
16:10Yes, let's start with something easy.
16:13Ah...
16:16Ah...
16:19Ah...
16:27How much singing experience have you had, Jacqueline?
16:30I've sung with Bananarama.
16:32Oh, I can well believe it.
16:37Free prize draw, love.
16:39Yeah, love, it's a free prize draw.
16:42I'm in a 50 euro makeover.
16:44Just hand it in at the pool bar after you've printed your name on the back.
16:48If you can't manage that, a thumbprint will do.
16:50Kenneth, I'm a bit worried about this makeover.
16:53Everybody here's a bit middle-aged.
16:55Middle-aged? This lot are more Middle Earth.
17:00What are we going to do?
17:02I don't want to sound unkind,
17:04but we can't have the big reveal of our free makeover
17:06with somebody who looks like the back end of a bus.
17:08Liam, just lately you've started to develop
17:11a nasty, peevish, uncharitable streak.
17:13I like it.
17:14I'm only thinking about the image of Blow and Go.
17:16Don't worry about that. I'm not as stupid as you look.
17:18Oh, look, it's Annie.
17:20Annie, you all right? What are you doing here?
17:22Shut up! What are you doing that for?
17:24You do not know that girl.
17:26Yes, I do. It's Annie. She does the karaoke at the Piccadilly bar.
17:29Oh, stop doing that!
17:31That is the winner of our makeover competition.
17:33How's she going to win? The winner's drawn at random.
17:35Oh, stop being so stupid.
17:37You're going to fix it. You're disgusting.
17:39Yeah, well, so are the people lying on these sunbeds.
17:41Good point.
17:43Three-price draw.
17:45Win a 50-euro makeover.
17:47Winner's drawn completely at random.
17:49We don't know who's going to win.
17:51Stupid boy.
17:59What is it?
18:01It's a Rubik's Cube.
18:03He's trying to work out where you plug it in.
18:06What does it do?
18:08It doesn't do anything. You've got to solve it.
18:10Each side's got to be a different colour.
18:14Each side is a different colour?
18:16A solid colour.
18:18We used to have a boy at school that could do it in 38 seconds.
18:20Philip Piggott.
18:22A right short, fat, specky bastard he was.
18:28Right, go on. I'll time you.
18:32Ty?
18:34Ty, are you doing this or what?
18:36Back in a minute.
18:42Just got to do a spot of advertising.
19:06Right.
19:08Let's have a look at this thing.
19:12What was that all about?
19:14If that was for the benefit of that blonde,
19:16she didn't even notice you.
19:18She never looked up once.
19:20Oh, she noticed me, all right.
19:22What was that all about?
19:24If that was for the benefit of that blonde,
19:26she didn't even notice you.
19:28She never looked up once.
19:30Oh, she noticed me, all right.
19:52I cannot believe it.
19:54Why make your decision so quick?
19:56What did Miss Hennessy Bass say to you?
19:58Nothing.
20:00Nothing at all.
20:02I just feel it's time to move on.
20:04I've had my eye on Agadir for some time.
20:06Oh, please, no.
20:08This song, it drive me crazy.
20:10That's Agadu.
20:12Mrs Turtlesavage, I thought you were at lunch with Miss Hennessy Bass.
20:14I'm back.
20:16Although, not for long.
20:18I've just got a few bits for the Spanish market.
20:20All right.
20:22Yes, of course, whatever you want.
20:24Miss Templesavage is leaving us.
20:26This means where are you going?
20:28Yes, I know. Thank you, Mateo.
20:30I'm leaving the Salona.
20:32I just think it's the right time to go.
20:34She has sacked you.
20:36She has not sacked me, Leslie.
20:38I've just decided,
20:40with great thought,
20:42to move on to pastures new.
20:44You think it's worth me throwing my hat into the ring?
20:46I don't think that'll be necessary.
20:48Sorry to hear you got the boot, Joyce,
20:50but these days it's survival of the fittest.
20:52Julie!
20:54You?
20:56She gave my job to you?
20:58Ostia, if you were the fittest,
21:00what do the others look like?
21:02Very funny.
21:04Right, I'll have the highest vacant room, please, Mateo.
21:06I'll obviously get your apartment,
21:08but Crystal tells me
21:10that she'll give you seven days to vacate the premises.
21:12Mateo, the room key.
21:14No hard feelings, Joyce.
21:16You did your best,
21:18but clearly I was cutting up.
21:20Now, listen to me, Janey.
21:22No, you listen.
21:24The Salona was mine.
21:26It always has been.
21:28I'll be down in 20 minutes.
21:32I'm back, Benidorm,
21:34and I'm back for good.
21:42Let's try again.
21:44Where
21:46is
21:48love?
21:50Now you, Jacqueline.
21:52Where
21:54is love?
22:02Downtown.
22:06Downtown.
22:08How do you solve a problem
22:10like Maria?
22:12No, I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
22:14This isn't working out.
22:16You're going to have to leave, or I'm going to get the sack.
22:18I think you're right.
22:20We should call it a day.
22:22But the thing is,
22:24Rhiannon, my wife, and I
22:26sing as a country-western duo,
22:28and I got a Spanish agent to book us
22:30into the Salona tonight.
22:32But your wife isn't here.
22:34She's shacked up in France with my husband.
22:36I know.
22:38It was going to be me and, uh,
22:40you.
22:50You see, I don't
22:52understand this internet
22:54business, but if you say
22:56you're happy, son, I'm
22:58happy for you. Meeting someone
23:00in a chat room these days is just the same
23:02as meeting them in a pub or
23:04at a party. Not many parties
23:06where you can tip up wearing
23:08only your pants and eating a
23:10pot noodle. Exactly.
23:12It's the way forward.
23:14And you definitely think
23:16she's the one?
23:18Definitely.
23:20She likes me for me, not for
23:22what I've got. Oh, well, that's handy
23:24because you haven't got anything.
23:26Free prize draw
23:28win a 50-euro makeover.
23:30Just write your names on the back,
23:32fold them up, and hand them in at the pool bar.
23:34Oh. Hey!
23:36One more, please. There's three of us.
23:44Hello.
23:46We have a
23:48free prize draw. Please take
23:50one leaflet and sign the back.
23:52I don't
23:54know your name because we've never met
23:56before.
23:58When you have finished,
24:00please hand it in to the pool bar.
24:02Keep calm.
24:04Act natural.
24:06I don't think anyone suspects.
24:08Thank you
24:10and good luck in our random
24:12prize draw.
24:24Oh, hello, love.
24:26Don't you look smashing.
24:28You like? I find market.
24:30It has many clothes. Very cheap.
24:32This dress, 10 euros.
24:34Nice one.
24:36Hey, look after the pennies.
24:38So I bought five.
24:40Jeff, I would like some juice.
24:42Yeah. Yeah, of course.
24:44Orange juice?
24:46You choose.
24:48Right.
24:50Do you want another tea?
24:52No, thanks, son. I'm stuffed to the gills with it.
24:54Right.
24:56Time for the beer, I think.
24:58Sorry?
25:00No beer, Jeff. This is why you are fat.
25:02Juice.
25:04Right, but I was going to have a baby.
25:06No. No beer.
25:08Juice.
25:10Right.
25:14Two orange juices.
25:24It's generally all right
25:26on a couple of beers
25:28during the day.
25:30He should not drink if he has important business meetings.
25:32Important business
25:34meeting?
25:36Yes. He has not mentioned the merger.
25:38Merger? What merger?
25:40Between Motby Communications and Telefonica.
25:46No.
25:48No, he never mentioned
25:50it.
25:52You must be excited
25:54about coming to live with us.
25:56I am excited.
25:58Jeff has told me all about the mansion.
26:00Mansion?
26:02Motby Towers.
26:04My family in Romania also are excited.
26:06My mother, she always had a dream
26:08of living in the UK.
26:10Tell me,
26:12you really have eight bathrooms?
26:14Well, the thing
26:16is, Rubella...
26:18Yes?
26:20I think
26:22I better let Jeff tell you.
26:32Oh,
26:34sorry, I didn't see you there.
26:36Hi, Pablo.
26:38Are all these the same size?
26:40Yes, love. Size 10 to 12.
26:42Ish.
26:44You looking for something for an eight-oach?
26:46No, I'm a singer and I could do with a few new stage outfits.
26:48Oh.
26:50But these size 10s look like they've been stretched
26:52by size 18 in denial.
26:54Excuse me,
26:56did you say you were a singer?
26:58Yeah, why?
27:00So,
27:02you open up the leaflet
27:04and ignoring the actual name
27:06that's written on it, you say,
27:08and the winner is
27:10Annie...
27:12Redmond.
27:14Without the paws, obviously.
27:16The paws is the strongest part of the illusion.
27:18It tells everybody
27:20that you're trying to make out the writing.
27:22Oh, yeah? That's brilliant.
27:24What can I say? I'm a genius.
27:26Oh, I know. What if I start to read it
27:28and I say, Annie...
27:30Oh, hang on a minute, I've just got to get my glasses.
27:32Let's not over-egg the pudding, love.
27:34Right, does this thing still work?
27:38John.
27:40Ladies and gentlemen, the blow-and-go
27:42free prize draw will start
27:44in five minutes
27:46at the pool bar.
27:48Mr Conroy, this is your five-minute call.
27:50That's you. No.
27:52All right, just practise. Get off me.
27:56And the winner is...
27:58Ladies, God, you're eager, Betsy.
28:00There you go, Annie Redmond.
28:04And the winner is Annie...
28:08Redmond?
28:10Any more? There you go, love.
28:12I'm sick.
28:18Any more?
28:20There you go. Thank you.
28:22Thank you. Good luck.
28:26You entered the competition?
28:28Yeah.
28:30I don't know about makeover.
28:32Some of the people here
28:34look like they've been run over.
28:36Well, beauty's in the eye of the beholder.
28:38Yeah.
28:40Right.
28:44What's that?
28:46It's a costume for tonight.
28:48Just needs a bit of alteration
28:50and a visit to the joke shop.
28:52Your friend on the piano
28:54said he'd never heard a voice as bad as mine.
28:56Oh, don't worry about that.
28:58I've made alternative arrangements.
29:04How you getting on with blondie?
29:06Not very well.
29:08That's because you've been too subtle.
29:10You need to up your game.
29:12Pinch her bum.
29:14Let her know the score.
29:16Pinch her bum? Who gave you flirting lessons?
29:18Benny Hill?
29:20I think she has a specific type.
29:22Oh, yeah.
29:24What's that, then?
29:26Dead.
29:28Oh, sorry, Joyce.
29:30Staff aren't allowed.
29:32I'm not staff.
29:34What do you mean you're not staff?
29:36What's going on here?
29:38What's it got to do with you?
29:40Janie Yorke, new manager of the salon.
29:42What?
29:44Janie's the new manager.
29:46Miss Hennessy asked.
29:48She, uh, sacked Miss Denpasari.
29:50Bloody hell.
29:52Kenneth works in blow and go.
29:54Well, I say work.
29:56So I'll ask it again.
29:58What's going on here?
30:00Well, just doing a prize draw
30:02to win a free makeover in my salon.
30:04Here we go.
30:06Ready for the free makeover,
30:08Jelena?
30:10Oh, yes.
30:12There's a lot of leaflets in there.
30:14Not much chance of winning.
30:16Sometimes it's best not to leave it up to chance.
30:18Jeff is a very clever man.
30:20No argument from me there.
30:24Good luck, madam.
30:26Oh, sorry.
30:28While you're down there.
30:30LAUGHTER
30:32Something about that?
30:34Thanks, love.
30:36Right, are we all in?
30:38Yes?
30:40Good.
30:42And to draw the winner,
30:44we just need someone who hasn't entered the competition.
30:46I said,
30:48to draw the winner,
30:50we just need someone who has not entered the competition.
30:52OK, I will choose the winner.
30:54Anyone at all?
30:56I said I will do it. Give me the bag.
30:58Anyone else who has not entered the competition?
31:00Come on, just get on with it.
31:02What is your problem? I said I will do it.
31:04Liam! What have I done?
31:06Nothing yet, as usual.
31:08I was just saying that we needed someone to make the draw.
31:10Oh, yes, I will pick a winner at random.
31:12Randomly.
31:16That's right, give it a good mix-up.
31:18Want to make sure everyone has a fair chance of winning.
31:20And make sure you all keep a lookout
31:22for the winner tonight in Neptune's.
31:24You won't believe your eyes.
31:26OK, here we go.
31:28And the winner is...
31:30Terry Dawson.
31:32Ah!
31:34Yes! Yes!
31:36I've only got one. I've only got one.
31:38What the hell are you playing at?
31:40I said Terry Dawson on the leaflet.
31:42How many times did you practise saying that?
31:44I practised with a black piece of paper.
31:46What are we supposed to do with two-tonne chassis?
31:48I think her name's Terry.
31:50Oh, shut up, dickhead.
31:52Well done, love.
31:54And if you'd like to go up with Liam now
31:56I'd love to.
32:00I didn't need a bloody miracle.
32:06Oh, that's washed lovely.
32:08And then after me divorce, I thought,
32:10bollocks to it, I'm going to become a lesbian.
32:12Right. How'd that go?
32:14Oh, not very well.
32:16Although I made some lovely friends
32:18and became very good at playing pool.
32:22Liam.
32:26How's it going?
32:28Oh, well, that free bottle of karma's gone down very well.
32:30I don't mean that.
32:32Are you going to be able to make her look human?
32:34Well, that's not very nice.
32:36She's got lovely skin.
32:38Yeah, just too much of it.
32:40I think you're being unfair. She's got a lovely personality.
32:42Oh, brilliant.
32:44So when we reveal her new look in Neptune's tonight
32:46we just say, oh, she looks a dog's dinner.
32:48But her ambition is for world peace and she'd love to look after kids.
32:50Well, it might help if you lend a hand.
32:52Liam, love, I'm absolutely rushed off my feet.
32:54Oh, I forgot to say,
32:56I've had a call from Crystal.
32:58She's finished all her meetings and she's on her way back
33:00but she's got an early start in the morning
33:02but she's going to pop in to see how we've done.
33:04How I've done?
33:06Yeah, whatever. So you've got about an hour.
33:08An hour? Can't I eat you in here?
33:10Liam, I would love to but I've got Joyce out there in bits.
33:12Looking lovely.
33:14Cheers.
33:24You've no need to keep pretending,
33:26Mrs Temple Savage.
33:28We all know you were sacked.
33:30Tossed onto the scrap heap of life.
33:32Please, Leslie, it's Joyce from now on.
33:34I'm...
33:36The hardy matters now.
33:38The fact is I'm going.
33:40Thrown away like a child's unwanted toy.
33:42I think it's disgusting.
33:44You've turned this hotel around. You really have.
33:46Dropped from a great height
33:48into the bottomless pit of obscurity.
33:50Yes, thank you.
33:52Thank you. We've got the picture.
33:54Do you have any plans?
33:56I don't know, Leslie. I'm a bit shell-shocked at the moment.
33:58I think I need a day or two to
34:00understand exactly what's happened.
34:02Erm, hello.
34:04You have been sacked.
34:06Mateo, you're actually starting to annoy me now.
34:08Sorry, just trying to help.
34:10What's going on here? A mother's meeting?
34:12We are merely consoling
34:14a friend and colleague.
34:16Ex-colleague.
34:18Yeah, well, these two can do it in their own time.
34:20Mateo, you've still got an hour left on reception
34:22and then Neptune's.
34:24Leslie, there's four market bags full of
34:26crap from the Spanish market
34:28that you've left behind the pool bar.
34:30Get them shifted.
34:32I'll get you another drink.
34:34Two large brandies, please, Diego.
34:36Love. And a couple of slippery nipples on the side.
34:38Got a woman in distress here.
34:42No hard feelings, Joyce.
34:44No hard feelings?
34:46You got this job by undercutting
34:48my salary by 50%,
34:50which is still
34:52100% more than nothing.
34:54I'm sorry.
34:56I've got to go.
34:58I've got a hotel to run.
35:08I, for one, think
35:10a makeover would be pointless.
35:12You can't
35:14gild a lily, or as my
35:16mother used to say,
35:18a pig in a wig is still a pig.
35:22No, I don't think
35:24that's the one I was thinking of.
35:26Anyway,
35:28a toast
35:30to Jeff and Rubella.
35:32Jeff and Yanella.
35:36Right.
35:38I'm going to leave you two
35:40lovebirds and have an early night.
35:42Where had your tea?
35:44I've got some awful tea
35:46in my case. A mug of that
35:48and a murder she wrote
35:50in Spanish will
35:52do me.
35:54Only if you're sure.
35:56Don't do anything I would.
36:02I like your mother.
36:04She is crazy,
36:06but not enough to stab someone.
36:10Thanks.
36:14Miss
36:16Hennessy Bass,
36:18everything is okay?
36:20Elvis,
36:22why don't you take the bags up to my room
36:24and take the evening off?
36:26Thank you very much.
36:28Yes, yes, everything's fine.
36:30Mateo, isn't it?
36:32Yes, Miss Hennessy Bass.
36:34Oh, please, let's dispense with the formalities.
36:36Just call me Crystal.
36:38Thank you, Crystal.
36:40So, tell me,
36:42how are you getting on
36:44with the new manager?
36:46I know that she's a little bit rough,
36:48but I'm sure she's fitting in quite well,
36:50don't you think? Janie?
36:52Yes, I've known her many years.
36:54She was here before Miss Temple Savage.
36:56Oh, I know.
36:58I do own the hotel.
37:00Yes, sorry, Miss Crystal Bass.
37:02I mean, Miss Hennessy Bass.
37:04I mean, Crystal.
37:06Good night, Mateo.
37:08Oh, Miss Crystal,
37:10it's very hard for me to say,
37:12but maybe you think about the thing I ask?
37:14Promotion, for me?
37:16Oh,
37:18right.
37:20I'll tell you,
37:22why don't you come up to my suite
37:24in about an hour?
37:26We can chat about it then.
37:28You can just let yourself in.
37:30I won't bite you.
37:32You'll find that I'm very easy to talk to.
37:40Beauty school drop-off
37:42Beauty school drop-off
37:44Hanging around at the corner store
37:46Beauty school drop-off
37:48Beauty school drop-off
37:50It's about time you knew the score
37:52Well, they couldn't teach you anything
37:54You think you're such a looker
37:56But no customer can fool you
37:58Unless she wants a hooker
38:00Unless she wants a hooker
38:02Unless she wants a hooker
38:04Unless she wants a hooker
38:10I've got to vlog this.
38:18I'm Tiger.
38:20We met earlier.
38:22Did we?
38:24Oh, sort of.
38:30Are you here with your dad?
38:32My dad?
38:34No.
38:36Oh, right.
38:38I thought that bloke
38:40you were winking at today around the pool
38:42might have been your dad.
38:46Excuse me.
38:48I've got to be somewhere.
38:50Yeah, yeah, sweet.
38:52See you around.
38:54Pathetic.
38:56If that's your attempt
38:58to try and chat up a woman
39:00all I have to say
39:02Pathetic.
39:04Alright, calm down. I was only making conversation.
39:06Having said that,
39:08it would have worked with me.
39:12Watch yourself, Joyce.
39:14Don't have to throw your
39:16out for being drunken disorder.
39:18I would prefer it
39:20if you didn't call me Joyce.
39:22My name to you
39:24is Miss Simple Tabbage
39:26and I'm a non-paying
39:28customer.
39:30From this evening to the next week
39:32I'm a very long
39:34holiday maker.
39:36Certainly drinking like one.
39:42Thank you. Thank you very much.
39:46That was Elvis
39:48there with Beauty School Dropout
39:50and now we have our featured act
39:52a great country
39:54western duo
39:56all the way from the UK
39:58let's hear it for
40:00Dangerous When Wet!
40:04music
40:34music
40:36music
40:38music
40:40music
40:42music
40:44music
40:46music
40:48music
40:50music
40:52music
40:54music
40:56music
40:58music
41:00music
41:02You are a wealthy
41:04successful businessman.
41:06This is more important to me.
41:08Yeah, I know.
41:10And a humble man too.
41:12I know you could have holidays
41:14anywhere in the world but you choose
41:16to live a simple life.
41:18I will help you spend your
41:20money Jeff. This you deserve.
41:22Yeah.
41:24Listen, we need to talk about my
41:26business
41:28and
41:30well, everything.
41:32Jeff, I'm going to bed now.
41:34Today has been a long day.
41:36Just for tonight
41:40I've done something a bit impetuous.
41:42What is impetuous?
41:46You know where you put your bags and all that?
41:48That's actually my mum's room.
41:52I've booked us into the honeymoon suite
41:54just for tonight.
41:56Oh no Jeff, we cannot share a room
41:58we're married.
42:00What?
42:02My grandmother, she would, how you say
42:04make circles in her grave.
42:06Yeah, but
42:08it's all paid for.
42:10I will collect my bag from your mum
42:12take another room
42:14and put this on our bill.
42:16I'm gone a minute, I don't think you can do that.
42:18Do not stay awake too late Jeff.
42:20You look tired. I can tell you worry about
42:22your company's money and all that.
42:24There's a 44 inch telly
42:26in the suite with British channels.
42:30For God's sake.
42:34I've sold this.
42:36They're watching every channel
42:38but
42:42There she is
42:44the makeover queen.
42:46Give us a walking room.
42:48All the acting work of Blow and Go
42:50opens seven days a week.
42:52One of these four.
42:54Do you want to come with us?
42:56I know.
43:00There she is.
43:02The belle of the ball.
43:04Oh my God.
43:06There he is, Vic.
43:12You look
43:14I look what?
43:18Come here.
43:20You look like a dog's dinner.
43:22Shut up you tar. Go and get the drinks.
43:24You look amazing.
43:26You really do.
43:50You look amazing.
44:20You look amazing.
45:00Perfect timing.
45:02I just opened a bottle of
45:04Oh my God.
45:10It's not what it looks like.
45:14I see you are busy.
45:16Maybe we talk another time.
45:20I'm not comfortable.
45:24I beg your pardon.
45:30I've made a terrible mistake.
45:38I'll be the judge of that.
45:50You
45:52You
45:54You
45:56You
45:58You
46:00You
46:02You
46:04You
46:06You
46:08You
46:10You
46:12You
46:14You
46:16You
46:18You
46:20You
46:22You
46:24You
46:26You
46:28You
46:30You
46:32You
46:34You
46:36You
46:38You
46:40You
46:42You
46:44You