• 2 months ago
Transcript
00:00This programme contains strong language and adult humour
00:30There you are. Nice cup of tea.
00:43Oh, lovely.
00:48What have you put in that?
00:50Tot of brandy. Steady your nerves.
00:52There's nothing wrong with my nerves. I just haven't slept.
00:54Well, don't you worry. The claim has been put in.
00:58What claim?
01:00The claim for all the stuff we had nicked.
01:02We didn't have anything nicked.
01:04You've had a blackout, haven't you?
01:06A lot of victims of crime have that.
01:08It's all part of being in shock.
01:10When you see the list I've made out of all the things we had stolen,
01:13it'll all come flooding back to you.
01:15What list?
01:16How have you made a list when we've had nothing taken?
01:19People can't pinch what we haven't got.
01:21Shut up, shut up, shut up!
01:23Are you MacGarvey?
01:24I am he.
01:25I have your insurance claim for me.
01:27Oh, yeah? Is there a problem?
01:30No, no problem at all.
01:32I just thought I'd let you know that we're entering it
01:34for the 2009 Book of Prizes for Fiction.
01:37What are you talking about? I'm a victim of crime.
01:41Police state items you wish to claim for.
01:44Two cameras, two watches, one gold, one silver,
01:48three iPods, two bone bar phones and a laptop computer.
01:52Oh, my God.
01:54Did you forget to put down a speedboat?
01:56Your set of darts and your bendy bullies?
01:58Look, you might go on holiday with your spare pair of knickers
02:01and a packet of Johnnies,
02:02but some of us do have actual possessions to take with us.
02:05Give us a ear.
02:10What are you doing?
02:15What did you do that for?
02:17If your brains were dynamite, you couldn't blow your hat off.
02:21HE SIGHS
02:24Oh, you poor thing.
02:26I hope you gave him a thump back.
02:28Well, it all happened so quickly, I didn't really have time to think.
02:31And is that when they tied you to the hot water pipe?
02:34Yeah.
02:35That's how they found that Terry Wogan, wasn't it?
02:38Kidnapped and chained to a radiator for five years.
02:45Terry, wait.
02:47Is that what they said to him?
02:49Sarcastic buggers.
02:51It's not like it was going to go anywhere.
02:54I can't believe one of them was that girl who was with Martin.
02:57You don't think he had anything to do with it, do you?
02:59No.
03:00Did you not see him last night?
03:02She cleaned him out, apparently.
03:03Took his money, passport, the lot.
03:05But she had an accomplice.
03:07The one who roughed you up, wasn't it?
03:09Did you give the police a good description of him?
03:12Yeah, bloke in his 50s, lived-in face, long, shaggy, sort of 70s hair.
03:18A Hawaiian shirt.
03:19How bizarre.
03:20That sounds just like the chap who took our mobile phones to fix them.
03:24Oh, yeah, we should keep an eye out for him today.
03:32Oh, dear.
03:34I suddenly feel very stupid.
03:38Suddenly?
03:49You got them both sorted?
03:51Yeah, Coolio's in the creche
03:53and Michael's in Dickie Donut's kids' club.
03:56Who's Dickie Donut?
03:58Supposed to be a bloke dressed as a donut, but he hadn't turned up today.
04:01Can't imagine why.
04:09Bloody hell.
04:11Where have you two been?
04:13We've been worried.
04:15Hey, have a look.
04:16It's Doris and Dickie Donut.
04:18You do realise you're both late for work?
04:20Where have you been?
04:21Madge was upset after the break-in,
04:23so I took her for a bit of a makeover.
04:25Who did it, Coco the Clown?
04:27What have they done to your hair?
04:29Come on, Madge, let's get the rest of the stuff upstairs.
04:31They're only jealous.
04:32You look like Bo Derrick.
04:35Hell, Bo Derrick?
04:37More like Bo Diddley.
04:41Come on.
04:47I can't believe you tackled them on your own.
04:51Why didn't you tell the police?
04:54Look at it from my point of view.
04:57Yes, I risked my life tackling a gang of vicious armed robbers,
05:01but do I really want the hassle of being a local hero?
05:04A gang?
05:05I thought they said there was one bloke
05:07and that lassie was on holiday.
05:10No, there was...
05:12three more.
05:14One of them was about 5'8", dead quick.
05:17Looked like he had ninja training.
05:19You know, he was doing all that crouching tiger head and dragon shit.
05:23You know, spinning through the air and that.
05:25Oh, wreck.
05:26Well, I managed to take him out,
05:29but then one of the others, massive fella,
05:32looked a bit like that WWF wrestler, The Undertaker.
05:36He took me from behind.
05:38So I held with him in the stomach, he went down.
05:41Well, then there was the other one.
05:43He looked a bit like that bloke from The Karate Kid.
05:45What was his name? Mr Miyagi.
05:47He got me in headlock and started to strangle me.
05:50What did you do?
05:52What could I do?
05:54As I felt my life ebbing away,
05:57I managed to raise a hand and grab the side of his neck.
06:00A bulking death grip.
06:02Looks like the champs.
06:04Oh, son, why didn't you tell me?
06:07Shit happens, doesn't it?
06:09I must say, you seem to have come out of it pretty unscathed.
06:13Yeah, well, most of it's internal bruising, you know.
06:18It just hurts a bit when I move.
06:21Oh, son, you are brave.
06:24Can I get you anything for the pain?
06:27I don't want to make a fuss.
06:29All right.
06:34Mind you, I wouldn't mind another lager.
06:37Oh, yes, I'll get it now.
06:42Anything else?
06:44A pack of salt and vinegar crisps.
06:47And maybe a paper.
06:51You stay there, son.
06:53I'm going to make sure you don't lift a finger
06:56for the rest of this holiday.
07:07I can't believe you can't just loan me some money
07:09so I can at least get to Alicante and get another passport issued.
07:12I've had everything taken.
07:14We haven't got any money to lend you.
07:16You should think yourself lucky you're not getting lynched.
07:18It was your girlfriend that robbed everyone.
07:20She wasn't my girlfriend, she was just a friend.
07:23Some bloody friend.
07:30Oh, my God, Kate.
07:32You came.
07:38MUSIC PLAYS
07:46I'm sorry I called you.
07:48I can't really remember what I said. I was rather drunk.
07:51You made absolutely no sense whatsoever.
07:53We got cut off and I didn't have a number to call you back on.
07:56You said you were in Benidorm and...
07:58Well, I could turn to you together.
08:00But I can't believe you flew out here this morning.
08:02What was I supposed to do? You said you had no money.
08:04No passport, no mobile phone, nothing.
08:06I telephoned this place thinking you might have been idiotic enough
08:09to come back here, but, of course, the staff are about as useful
08:12as a chocolate teapot.
08:14You came all this way to help me.
08:17I've had absolutely no sleep.
08:19How have you been?
08:21Martin.
08:25We need to get you a passport.
08:27My God, I don't know how you dare show your face around here.
08:30I beg your pardon?
08:32You know what he means.
08:34A pokey bit of Scouser ruff robbed us all blind.
08:37I wouldn't be surprised if you're part of the scam.
08:39I'm as much a victim of all this as you are, probably more so.
08:42I've got you sussed.
08:44You hang around here for another day
08:46to make it look as if you had an out to do with it.
08:49But come tomorrow, you'll be on a yacht in the middle of the Med,
08:52divvying up the spoils.
08:54Ha! I hardly think there'll be much to divvy up
08:57stealing from these people.
08:59You keep your nose out. And another thing...
09:05Well, well, well, look who it is.
09:08I beg your pardon? Come on, Kate, let's go.
09:10It gets rid of wood, old slapper,
09:12and you come crawling back while the sheets are still warm.
09:15Oh, forget it, Mag. Let's go get us something. Wait a minute.
09:20Now, listen to me, old woman.
09:22Apart from the fact that I fail to see what any of this has to do with you,
09:26you obviously still think you can motorise yourself
09:29around this fly-blown cesspit,
09:32spitting venom like some kind of vicious, fire-damaged paraplegic.
09:37Well, let me assure you,
09:39if you come anywhere near me
09:41for the duration of my mercifully short trip here,
09:44so help me God, I will drag you off that council go-kart,
09:48rip off your head and piss in your pipes.
09:54Do I make myself clear?
09:56I'll take that as a yes.
09:59Martin?
10:02Martin?
10:09The thing is, he doesn't want any publicity.
10:13That's why he hasn't come forward.
10:16So there are actually five of them?
10:18Yes, the two you know about and three more.
10:22One of them dressed like a ninja,
10:25who kept twizzling round,
10:28like in that film Dungeons & Dragons.
10:31Another, really tall one,
10:34called the Shirtlifter,
10:38who took him from behind.
10:40And the last one, who nearly killed him in an headlock.
10:45He looked like Robert McGarvey.
10:50OK.
10:52I will need to speak to your son about this.
10:55Oh, Egg.
10:57I knew I shouldn't have said anything.
10:59Don't worry, you did the right thing.
11:01I have some other statements to take,
11:03but please tell your son, Mr Mottby,
11:06that I will need to speak to him sometime today.
11:16Hiya.
11:17Hi.
11:18Is there nobody serving?
11:19There was somebody here, but I think they've gone.
11:24You all right?
11:25Yeah.
11:27Oh, this, yeah.
11:29I caught the bloke on that last nicking stuff from our rooms last night.
11:32Oh, right, that was you?
11:34Yeah.
11:35Yeah.
11:36Lucky it weren't me that caught him.
11:38Oh, I'd have given you a right paste then.
11:41No, I mean, I might have killed him.
11:44Yeah.
11:45Could have bored him to death.
11:47You what?
11:48Nothing.
11:49I've got a territory of limey training, you see.
11:52I don't know me own strength.
11:53How about it?
11:54Yeah.
11:55Did you know there's a spot on the side of your head,
11:57and if somebody punches you there hard enough, you die instantly?
12:01Must be somebody serving.
12:03It's right there.
12:04Bang!
12:05One hit.
12:06Don't do that, mate.
12:07Literally, one hit.
12:09Bang!
12:11I've asked you not to do that.
12:13There's no need to be frightened.
12:14I can do that and stop one millimetre away from your head.
12:18I'm not frightened, I've just asked you not to do it.
12:21I'm actually a qualified stuntman.
12:24I could do that 100 times without actually touching you.
12:30Ah!
12:32Sorry, sorry.
12:34Are you all right?
12:35I did ask you not to do it.
12:39No, no, I'm fine.
12:41Think about being a stuntman as you learn how to fall without hurting yourself.
12:45I'm going to get two coffees from inside.
12:48Do you want another beer?
12:50Yes, please.
13:00Hello there.
13:02Donald and Jacqueline Stewart.
13:05I'm sure we've met before.
13:07I don't think so.
13:10You look very familiar.
13:12I'm sorry, is there a reason you're still talking to me?
13:16Middlesbrough Swingers Association.
13:18What exactly do you want?
13:20We definitely know you from somewhere.
13:22The tip of my tongue.
13:24Yes, I'm sure it often is.
13:31Classy lady.
13:32I wouldn't mind getting to know her a bit better.
13:35Oh, yes.
13:40What did you have to go upsetting me mother like that for?
13:43What have I done now?
13:44Well, I don't think saying a new hairdo made her look like Stevie Wonder
13:47will have been the best compliment she's had today.
13:49I never said that.
13:50It was Bo Diddley.
13:52Anyway, don't shoot the messenger.
13:54You should be trying to keep on Mel's good side
13:56if you want him to pay you for this week.
13:58I'm here.
13:59Here you go to work.
14:00It's not my fault every time he has a business idea,
14:02it goes, I'll send up.
14:04If he fell into a barrel of tits, he'd come up sucking his thumb, that one.
14:10Who's that over there?
14:13Who?
14:14That woman, on her own, over there.
14:17Er, somebody on holiday?
14:19She's on her own.
14:20Oh, bloody hell, pass me the phone, I'll ring Crimestoppers.
14:23She looks a bit posh to be here.
14:27Do you want a drink?
14:28I've got one, thanks.
14:31Where are you going?
14:32I'm just going to get a drink.
14:34Oh, you're a nosy bleeder.
14:36Look, we've had burglaries here, somebody giving my mother drugs.
14:39It was you that gave your mother drugs, who's got their eye on you?
14:42I won't be long.
14:43Oi, Quincy!
14:46Get us another beer.
14:50Do you want a drink, Tal?
14:51No, I'm all right, thanks.
14:52All right, darling.
15:06You must stop eating like this.
15:08It's easily sorted, goodbye.
15:10I was only trying to be friendly.
15:13How's your grandmother?
15:15My nana is fine, thank you.
15:17Yeah.
15:18I've never seen a pensioner trying to body-serve a karaoke audience before.
15:22It's quite a mad night.
15:24Yeah, well, unlike some people, she knows how to have a good time.
15:30I never...
15:32..really apologised for getting pissed on our date last year.
15:35I don't remember having a date with you.
15:37What about that drink we had together?
15:40I'll tell you what I do remember.
15:42I remember you ruining my nana's wedding day
15:44after nearly killing her husband by drop-kicking him from a parachute.
15:48She was annoyed about that, wasn't she?
15:50Yeah.
15:51It can get quite irrational and touchy about things like that.
15:55Look, I just wanted to say I earn...
15:59Well, I know I messed up, but if you fancy another drink, you know...
16:06..I think you're a great laugh.
16:08And...
16:10..well, you're dead-sorted.
16:12You've got a beautiful little kid and you've got a brilliant smile and...
16:18..I really fancy you.
16:23Oh, I made a dick of myself again.
16:26Look, I'll see you around.
16:28Jack!
16:38BELL RINGS
16:51Hiya.
16:53Hello.
16:58Cracking weather, isn't it?
17:00Very nice.
17:01Lovely sun.
17:03Yes, they tend to get that in Spain.
17:06Especially in the summer.
17:08You look nice.
17:11You're not hot with that cardi on?
17:13No, I'm fine.
17:15Is that your bag?
17:16Yes.
17:17I'd keep an eye on that if I were you.
17:19We've had some burglaries round here lately.
17:21Yes, I know.
17:25Oh, right.
17:28Yeah.
17:29I thought you looked a bit posh to be on holiday here.
17:33You like what's-her-name, aren't you?
17:35You're, erm, primeval.
17:38I beg your pardon?
17:40Not primeval.
17:42Primordial.
17:44No.
17:45No, that's them dwarfs with big teeth, isn't it?
17:48Oh.
17:49What's-her-name?
17:51You know, the Queen.
17:53Prime suspect.
17:55I'm just waiting for someone.
17:57Oh, don't you worry.
17:59I won't blow your cover.
18:01Have you got your eye on anyone in particular?
18:03Now, don't tell me, because I'm almost there.
18:07You're a friend of Rob the Knob.
18:09North-east leather and rubber ball.
18:12I've absolutely no idea what you're talking about.
18:15Rob Titmuss.
18:17Used to run an adult mail-order business
18:19just outside Rimswell.
18:21No?
18:22Is this man a friend of yours?
18:25Not really.
18:31For your information,
18:33I've had three people today say my hair is lovely.
18:36I said your hair was lovely.
18:40It was me that said it was nice.
18:43And what are you looking at?
18:45All dressed up like a dog's dinner.
18:47I think that may be a case of the pot calling the kettle black.
18:51Excuse me.
18:52That's my wife you're talking to.
18:54I'm not black.
18:55I've just got an Elsie tan,
18:57which is more than I can say for you.
18:59I'm sorry, Nick.
19:00Mother!
19:01Excuse me.
19:03That's it.
19:04Piss off before we get you slung out.
19:06You're not even wearing a wristband.
19:08Martin.
19:10Diana.
19:11What are you doing here?
19:12Guildford sauna.
19:14You're friends of Bob Nutsford and Two-Ton Tammy.
19:17We didn't recognise you with your clothes on.
19:20It's been a few years, but I never forget a face.
19:23When you two clowns have quite finished,
19:25I would like to assure you
19:27that we never met.
19:29As soon as I escape this odious freak circus,
19:32I shall do my very best to make sure that we never meet again.
19:36Oh, Diana, I'm sorry.
19:38I didn't mean to cause offence.
19:40You look very much like a friend of a friend.
19:43Mother, can we go inside and talk?
19:45Yes, thank you, darling.
19:46I have a car waiting outside.
19:48Where's me drink?
19:50I absolutely love it here.
19:58What do you get if you cross Randy Crawford
20:01with Zelda from Terrorhawks?
20:03I know, it's fab, isn't it?
20:05Why has she done her hair like that?
20:07It's not comic relief, is it?
20:09You missed all the best bits while you were asleep.
20:11We're the only people she hasn't had a row with.
20:14Fabulous.
20:15Right.
20:16I'm going to go and snap one off.
20:18See you in a minute.
20:21Hello? Troy's phone.
20:24Hello?
20:26Can you hear me?
20:28Yes, this is Troy's phone.
20:30Who's calling?
20:32I can hardly hear you, Troy.
20:34I know I said I didn't want to meet up again,
20:37but I can't help it.
20:39I've got to go.
20:41I've got to go.
20:43I've got to go.
20:45I've got to go.
20:47I've got to go.
20:49I said I didn't want to meet up again,
20:51but I've changed my mind.
20:53I'm sorry for calling without texting first,
20:55but I really need to see you.
20:58Troy?
21:00It's Jamie.
21:02Can you hear me?
21:04I know your boyfriend's probably there
21:06and you can't talk,
21:08but if you can hear me, press a button.
21:11Troy?
21:14Troy, I didn't mean the things I said.
21:17I'm sorry.
21:19I want to be with you.
21:21I know it's a difficult situation,
21:23but I think about you all the time.
21:25Call me when you're on your own.
21:28Troy, please give me another chance.
21:31I know you love me.
21:33I love you too.
21:43I'll have to hang on for a minute.
21:45I think Nora ain't squeezing one out.
21:47Have you seen this?
21:49Half-prize voucher for Benidorm Palace.
21:51Fancy it tonight?
21:53I don't mind.
21:55Showgirls, acrobats, magic and fun
21:57at Benidorm's premiere show lounge.
21:59Bloody hell, just when I thought my life
22:01couldn't get more exciting.
22:14HE COUGHS
22:19Where was it you had your hair done, ma'am?
22:21And do they do refunds?
22:23It's only ten minutes up the road.
22:25Do you want yours done?
22:27Erm... No, she doesn't.
22:29I was asking the organ grinder, not the monkey.
22:32Wahey! Nice one, Madge.
22:35Hey.
22:37You can grind my organ any day.
22:39Do you mind?
22:41I've got to learn my language today, thank you.
22:43You never believe what that woman said to Madge earlier on.
22:46What's going on with that lot?
22:48That's his wife that's come back, isn't it?
22:50And the woman I thought was the police
22:52turns out to be his mother.
22:54I can't follow it all.
22:56Hey, what about this for tonight?
22:58Benidorm Palace.
23:00Benidorm's premiere entertainment experience.
23:02Gourmet four-course meal
23:04and a breathtaking international variety show
23:07providing all the glitz and sparkle
23:09of Las Vegas and Broadway in one spectacular evening.
23:17Well?
23:19Don't mind, Mel.
23:21We're all right here, aren't we?
23:23Madge?
23:25Who is it?
23:26What do you mean, who is it? It's a show and a meal.
23:28We can get that here for free, Mel.
23:30All right, go me home.
23:32Let's have a look.
23:36What do you want to go on your own for?
23:38Hey, I can see why he wants to go on his own.
23:40They've got more tits than Bill Oddie's garden.
23:42I didn't even notice that.
23:44I thought it might be a nice night out.
23:46Give it over here.
23:47No, I didn't notice the big pair of jugs
23:49on the front of the leaflet either.
23:51I was looking at the font they'd used in the title.
23:53Oh, looks like a good night out, this.
23:56Live band, singers, acrobats, dancers.
23:59Those are dirty old men
24:00having a knuckle shuffle under the raincoats.
24:02Oh, all right, that's enough.
24:04Is it expensive, Mel?
24:06Let's call it a staff outing for Mel Harvey Enterprises.
24:09Do you fancy going to the Benidorm Palace tonight, Tel?
24:12No.
24:13You don't even know what it is.
24:14Don't need to.
24:16Ooh, the enthusiasm of youth.
24:19Right, I'm off for a dip.
24:20Melvin, I don't want to see the pages of that leaflet
24:22stuck together when I get back.
24:24That'll be disgusting.
24:37Ooh.
24:45Buenos dias, Miss Armstrong.
24:46Hello, Rico.
24:47I think we'll have drinks on the roof terrace.
24:50Of course, Miss Armstrong.
25:03Sorry, I'm still not sure what you're doing here.
25:05My darling, I'm here because my only son needed me.
25:09I phoned Mother first as it was the only number I knew off by heart,
25:12but I didn't expect her to come all the way out here.
25:14But you expected me to.
25:17No.
25:18Sorry.
25:19Look, this holiday's been a complete disaster.
25:22Unlike the two holidays we had in Benidorm.
25:25Hang on, now I'm confused.
25:27If Kate's just arrived,
25:29who've you been on holiday with?
25:31Mother, Kate and I have been separated for almost eight months.
25:34Have you?
25:35Why didn't you tell me?
25:37I did.
25:38Several times.
25:39Well, why on earth did you come on holiday together?
25:42We didn't.
25:43Kate arrived this morning, a few hours before you.
25:45Well, look, darling,
25:46the main thing is you're out of that rather grim hostel.
25:49What hostel?
25:50I'm staying in service departments.
25:52Service? By who?
25:53Rent-a-kill?
25:54I would have let you use the villa in Torrevieja,
25:57but it's having a complete renovation at the moment.
26:00What is Torrevieja?
26:01Mum's had a little place on the Costa Blanca since the late 80s.
26:04It's about an hour and a half away from here, isn't it?
26:07Something like that, I think.
26:09You mean we had two holidays from hell in Benidorm
26:12when your mother owns a villa 90 minutes away from here?
26:15It's not much.
26:16A little four-bedroom thing,
26:18tiny pool,
26:20no permanent staff.
26:23Your ticket, Miss Armstrong.
26:25Oh, thank you, Macquarie.
26:27Have you been here before?
26:28No.
26:29You seem to know a lot of the staff.
26:30Martin, what have I told you?
26:32The trick with staff is to learn their names immediately.
26:35You get a much better service.
26:37Now, I've organised for us to see some authentic flamenco in Alicante.
26:42I'm sure they'll squeeze another one in.
26:44I'm sorry, I have a flight first thing in the morning
26:46and I need to find somewhere...
26:47Martin, there's a room booked for you under my name.
26:50Try and use the spa.
26:52I believe they do an incredible Thai massage.
26:56I had a little man in London who used to do me.
26:59His name was Chang.
27:01Unfortunately, I discovered that he was working illegally
27:04so I had to have him deported.
27:06Shame, because he wore a funny little hat
27:09that really used to make me laugh.
27:15Back here at seven.
27:27Hiya.
27:28Hiya.
27:30Can I sit down?
27:32It's free country.
27:34As long as you're not going to have another go at me.
27:37I'm not going to have a go at you.
27:41I just wanted to say...
27:43You know all them things you said earlier?
27:47Yeah.
27:48Did you mean them or were you just taking the piss?
27:51Of course I meant them.
27:53Cos if you said them and you didn't mean them,
27:55I just know how full of shit you can be.
27:57I'm really glad you decided not to have a go at me.
27:59You know what I mean?
28:04I like you, Jeff.
28:06But I want to get past all the bullshit and the lies.
28:09I'm champion at this, I'm an expert at that.
28:12That's not my mam, it's my PA.
28:17I want to get to know the real Jeff.
28:20Jeff Maltby?
28:22Yeah.
28:23I understand you have been attacked.
28:25You what?
28:26I have a statement here from your mother,
28:28Mrs Noreen Maltby,
28:30saying you defended yourself from five armed suspects
28:33on the night of the burglary.
28:34Bloody hell, Jeff, why didn't you say?
28:36Are you all right?
28:37I'm...
28:38It was just a bit of a scuffle, really.
28:40Mr Maltby, this is not a time for modesty.
28:42I already have some details of your incredible bravery,
28:45but I need to get a full statement from you.
28:47Is now a convenient time?
28:49Well, not really.
28:51You go talk to the police.
28:53I've got to check on Julio in the creche.
28:55Jeff, what about tonight for that drink?
28:58Yeah, OK.
29:01See you later, then.
29:16I know I keep saying it, but thank you so much for coming.
29:20Still can't believe you're here.
29:22You're not the only one.
29:26So, who is this girl you brought on holiday?
29:30You don't have to tell me. It's none of my business, really.
29:32No, don't be silly.
29:35Not long after we split up,
29:37I joined a night class in Croydon.
29:40I met her there.
29:41I see.
29:42We weren't in any kind of relationship.
29:44I just happened to sit next to her one Friday night
29:46and she seemed very chatty.
29:49A bit too chatty, actually.
29:51Quite annoying, very loud and...
29:54well, a bit coarse.
29:55So, obviously you invited her on holiday with you.
29:58No, not at all.
29:59The conversation got on to Spain
30:00and I mentioned the free vouchers I had for this holiday
30:03and, well...
30:05she kind of railroaded me into taking her.
30:08I said I wasn't really keen on going on holiday
30:10with someone I didn't know,
30:12but she wouldn't take no for an answer.
30:14What kind of night class was this?
30:16It was called The Lion Within.
30:18How to be more assertive in ten easy lessons.
30:22Of course.
30:24Kate, I've done some pretty stupid things in my time,
30:26but I think the one that beats them all
30:28is letting you walk out of my life.
30:30Martin.
30:32Ah, there you are.
30:33Already?
30:35Do you mind us going?
30:36She has come all this way.
30:37What about me?
30:39This may come as a surprise to you, Martin,
30:40but Benidorm isn't exactly on my way to work.
30:43Come on, quick sticks.
30:44Diana, I think I'm going to stay here.
30:46No, I simply won't allow it.
30:49Oh, you mean you're underdressed.
30:51Well, I shouldn't worry.
30:53I imagine it's all fairly rustic.
30:55You're not listening to me.
30:56That reminds me, I must cancel Anton.
30:59My acupressure is tomorrow.
31:01I can always have a double session on Monday.
31:04Kate, please come.
31:06Martin!
31:07Please.
31:20Do you have one in Neptune's?
31:22We said we'd meet them here at seven.
31:24It's seven now.
31:25We're losing valuable supping time.
31:27Why don't you just relax and enjoy yourself?
31:30I would enjoy myself if I had a beer in my hands.
31:32They'll be here in a minute.
31:33Excuse me, love.
31:35Why is this bar not open?
31:36Cos the useless sod who works here doesn't turn,
31:38does he?
31:39I don't know.
31:40I don't know.
31:41I don't know.
31:42I don't know.
31:43I don't know.
31:44I don't know.
31:45I don't know.
31:46I don't know.
31:47I don't know.
31:48The useless sod who works here hasn't turned up,
31:50and if you see the dirty, greasy head get out on the town,
31:53you can tell him he's sacked.
31:55Shall we walk up to the Benidorm Palace and have one in there?
31:58I can text them.
31:59No, we bloody can't.
32:01I'm not paying for a round in there when it's free in here.
32:03Anyway, it's supposed to be a works outing.
32:05You can always ask him for the money back.
32:07I'm not doing that.
32:09Look all right, tight get?
32:19Bloody hell, it's the Starship Enterprise.
32:21I thought this would be a laugh,
32:23but I think it's actually going to be quite good.
32:25You all right?
32:26I'm fine.
32:27Oh, you nervous about the topless dancers?
32:30Don't worry, I think the blokes get their tits out and all.
32:33Gavin, what's wrong?
32:35I'm fine.
32:36You're not fine.
32:37Why do you do this?
32:39If something is annoying you, tell me.
32:41If I've done something to annoy you, just tell me.
32:43Don't bottle it all up.
32:45Because when you do finally tell me what's wrong,
32:47nine times out of ten you've got the wrong end of the stick anyway.
32:50I think that's highly unlikely.
32:52Gavin.
32:53Gavin.
32:54Gavin, I've got to get the tickets first.
32:57He's on the blob.
32:59MUSIC PLAYS
33:15MUSIC CONTINUES
33:20You can't say it's not big enough.
33:22I bet you that's a phrase you don't hear much say very often, is it, Mel?
33:26We going to have a whole night listening to this filth?
33:28Filth? You're the one who's brought us to a bloody peep show.
33:31Don't be ridiculous.
33:33This is a sophisticated cabaret.
33:37Peep shows you have to sit in one of those little booths
33:39with a slot in the wall.
33:41Hey, it's all coming out now.
33:43Enjoy it on the telly.
33:45Hey, man, it looks good, doesn't it?
33:47When do you get the food?
33:49It says here you get your dinner first.
33:51I'm not sitting through a two-hour show waiting for me dinner.
33:54This way, everyone. Smile, please.
33:56Olé.
33:59And now the beautiful tinuritas.
34:01Hey, hang on, what about these two?
34:03Smile, please. Olé.
34:05MUSIC CONTINUES
34:07MUSIC CONTINUES
34:09MUSIC CONTINUES
34:11MUSIC CONTINUES
34:20This is very authentic.
34:22Yes, isn't it wonderful? It really is.
34:25Here's to us.
34:27I mean, to all of us.
34:31Martin, I'm sorry, I don't think I can stay.
34:34Kate, what's wrong?
34:36I'm sorry, I... I just can't do this.
34:39I'm not playing happy families
34:41with a husband I've been separated from for eight months
34:44whilst trying to converse with a mother-in-law
34:46who never listens to a word anyone says.
34:48Oh, flamenco!
34:50MUSIC CONTINUES
34:52MUSIC CONTINUES
34:54MUSIC CONTINUES
35:00MUSIC CONTINUES
35:02MUSIC CONTINUES
35:04MUSIC CONTINUES
35:06MUSIC CONTINUES
35:08MUSIC CONTINUES
35:10MUSIC CONTINUES
35:12MUSIC CONTINUES
35:14MUSIC CONTINUES
35:16MUSIC CONTINUES
35:18MUSIC CONTINUES
35:22Oh, my God.
35:24That's just what I was thinking.
35:30CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
35:36CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
35:52Oh, my God, how does he do that?
35:54CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
36:00CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
36:06Oh
36:26Thank God we got the cheap seats that could have been you
36:28Oh
36:32It's now he's got now up there
36:51Gavin will you please tell me what's wrong nothing Gavin? We're not gonna get anywhere if we don't talk
36:58Oh
37:07Who's Jamie
37:12You really want to talk let's have a conversation about Jamie his messages on your phone tell you how much he loves you
37:28One way to get the change out of his pocket
37:32Why do you listen to my phone messages
37:43It's not what you think I've spoken to him
37:47Your phone rang today. I answered it to take a message. How old is he 12?
37:54He's 21
37:56Gavin I can explain everything
38:09Sorry, sorry, he's not well he's got bad leg
38:14Sake
38:19Gavin Jamie
38:21Jamie Jamie is my son
38:31That is genius
38:33Why didn't I think of that?
38:35Of course, you've probably got hundreds of kids crawling all over the place
38:39This gay thing is just a front you've been putting on for the last 15 years
38:48My god
38:51It's your son
38:54Can't believe when he got in touch again
38:56We met up once a few years ago
39:00It didn't work out. I was gonna tell you
39:11It's really bad
39:21Oh
39:51Martin I'm going we may as well say it's nearly finished Martin. Don't be mean kick and go back if she wants to
40:09I didn't want to say anything, but you do look rather tired
40:12Is it any wonder going halfway across Europe at the drop of a hat to bail out your son?
40:22Olé
40:23My son your husband Kate
40:26My husband from whom I have been separated for eight months
40:29In fact, you wouldn't know if you listen to a word anyone ever said to you
40:34Such incredible grace he moves like an animal
40:51He seems to be looking this way
41:16I'm going I didn't want to come here in the first place to be leered at
41:22Oh my god, come on, let's go
41:32Hey, hang on
41:35I'm going back to the Solana mother gonna be okay. I'll give you a call
41:52I
42:03Was looking for Jeff, huh? I'm afraid he's been arrested
42:08What yeah for wasting police time
42:12Apparently they caught them that did all the thieving from here. Just two of them
42:17No ninja assassins
42:20All seven-foot wrestlers
42:25Sorry, well, they let him out tonight. I don't know
42:32Do you fancy an eggnog in the bar? Yeah, okay
42:39Right, how about I get some drinks from Neptune's and we sit next to the pool perfect Gavin. I'm so sorry
42:45I should have told you
42:48You're not just my lover you're my best friend
42:51Lover best friend and now wicked stepmother. He really wants to meet you. I'll dig out my best frock
42:58He's even talked about living with us Troy
43:13Thank you
43:16I am Matteo and you you are dirty Diana from Torrevieja. Who told you that?
43:23There are many here who recognize you
43:28Well, it was a long time ago and I think you'll find I'm far too old for you young man
43:34But they said you can play a good tune on an old violin
43:39Yeah, there's one last thing
43:45I
44:15I
44:45You