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Short filmTranscript
00:00♪
00:31It's busy this morning.
00:33Yes, they must be giving out free scratch cards with every breakfast.
00:36Morning, boys. Don't forget, coach trip today.
00:39Oh, yeah. Bring your trunks. We're just off to get ours.
00:44Oh, do you fancy that?
00:46Hmm. I've seen Donald and Jacqueline cavorting in their Speedos.
00:49What's the alternative?
00:51Being shot between the eyes with a rusty air rifle?
00:54Oh, no contest. Pull the trigger.
01:00Mm-mm.
01:10Are you sure you don't want anything more than that, son?
01:13No. That was lovely.
01:17I mean, don't get me wrong, I think you've done brilliant with your dieting,
01:21but let's be honest, if you turned sideways now, you'd be marked absent.
01:26You're joking. I've got another two stone to go.
01:29Another two stone?
01:31You'll have to hollow out your legs. There's nothing on you.
01:35Your Uncle Francis said you'd had an elastic band fitted,
01:39like that firm cotton off the telly,
01:42but I told him it's a will of iron that boy's used to get his weight down
01:47and nothing more.
01:49What do you mean, firm Britain?
01:51Now, are you coming with me to the waterfalls of Agadou?
01:55The waterfalls of Algar?
01:57That's it?
01:59No. I've got a bit of business to sort out in the old town.
02:02Do you want me to come?
02:04No. I've got to see an hombre about a peril.
02:07Oh. Right.
02:11Eh, you never know.
02:13That Watson, he might be coming to the waterfalls.
02:17Tell.
02:18I'm not interested.
02:19You are. You had a date with her.
02:22We're just friends.
02:24Well, it's about time you got yourself a nice girlfriend.
02:28Mother, will you leave it?
02:31What happened to that girl with the funny lip you met on that YTS scheme?
02:36Was her name Cheryl?
02:38I can't remember. It's a good few years ago.
02:42I haven't got time for girls right now, have I?
02:44Haven't got time for girls? A good-looking lad like you?
02:48What about that lass off the internet you were talking to?
02:52Mother, can we just drop the subject?
02:54I told you I'd lend you the money to go to Brazil, but you didn't seem keen.
02:59Look, how many times do I have to tell you?
03:03I'm just not interested.
03:07Not interested in girls?
03:11Well, what are you interested in, then?
03:22Right, Mother, what's going on today?
03:24Are you coming with us on this trip or are you staying here?
03:26I'm not going anywhere. I can't take my chair.
03:28I'm on my holidays. I shouldn't have to walk around.
03:31Come on, look at that.
03:33There's two waterfalls, a diving area and a natural swimming pool.
03:38You're joking? She ain't gonna come with us?
03:40All that water?
03:41She'll be frightened somebody throws a bar of imperial leather at her
03:43and she'll have to get a wash.
03:45Well, you're not going anywhere. You've got to work for Mel.
03:48Madge, it may have escaped your notice,
03:50but Mel's mobility boutique tragically burned to the ground last night,
03:54thus rendering me sadly unemployed.
03:58He'll still need you to clear things up.
04:00He can't be expected to do that on his own.
04:02You think I'm spending the day shoveling shit in a burnt-out shop
04:05when it's 80 degrees out here?
04:06You can kiss my arse.
04:08Same to you.
04:10There's no wonder the kids of today are sticking knives in each other,
04:13eyes the kite on drugs when their parents are using language like that.
04:16If he kissed your arse, it wouldn't be just the kids' eyes, a kite.
04:19Can we have a bit less talk of arses when I'm trying to eat my sausage, please?
04:23Anyway, Mel's got that Spanish lad working for him. What's his name?
04:26Paco.
04:27That's it. Let Paco earn his three euros an hour.
04:30I am going swimming with my beautiful wife.
04:33Oh, aye. What are you after?
04:35You know what he's after. He's always been the same.
04:38Oh, dear. Do I detect a tinge of jealousy? Hmm?
04:42After a full year of marriage, have you and Mel not yet done the deed of darkness?
04:46The deed of what? What's he talking about?
04:49The beast with two backs.
04:50Oh, shut up!
04:51Beast with two backs? What's that one has to do?
04:54Has he stormed the trenches? Eh? Hidden the hot dog?
04:58Have you both turned the lights out and done the okey-cokey?
05:01Oh, right. I see what you mean.
05:04No, not yet. I don't think he's interested.
05:08I must admit, your father was very talented in that department.
05:13I remember when he first took me up the Pleasure Beach and showed me his American smooth.
05:18Oh, she thinks you're talking about dancing.
05:20Oh, what are you talking about?
05:22Right. I'm going up the road to see how they're getting on.
05:26How Mel's getting on.
05:27You've not finished your breakfast?
05:29It's black pudding.
05:30Hmm. Pass it over.
05:31See you later. Keep an eye on Coolio, will you?
05:33Back here by 11.
05:35What's she going over there for?
05:37I think she's after a different type of black pudding.
05:40You know I'm holding you responsible for all this, don't you?
06:07Senor Harvey, I tell you the lights are too much.
06:10Nothing to do with the lights. It was a bloody wiring.
06:12It was like Spaghetti Junction in there. No wonder we went up in flames.
06:15Senor Harvey, I need to talk to you about money.
06:18Oh, don't worry about me. Everything was insured.
06:21When you've been in business as long as I have, you always keep one step ahead.
06:25No, I mean money for me.
06:28Two weeks I have now been working for you and nothing.
06:31Money for you? You burned my business to the ground and you asked me for money?
06:36I told you when you started. You're amongst trial.
06:39Going by this lot, you're lucky not to have been arrested for arson.
06:44Hiya.
06:45Oh, hello, darling. You all right?
06:47Yeah. Hola.
06:50Hola.
06:51Are you coming on this trip to the waterfalls?
06:53Well, there's not much more I can do here.
06:55May as well make the most of the sun.
06:57I don't suppose Paco could come, could he?
07:01Who's Paco?
07:04Him? Is that his name?
07:06Oh, not really, darling. He's got work here to do.
07:10Oh, OK.
07:13Oh, right. See what you mean.
07:17Oi, for he sake, get that shop locked up and be over at the Solanas in ten minutes.
07:22You're coming on a trip.
07:23Senor Harvey, I have to...
07:25Pronto!
07:27Thanks, Phil.
07:35HE SNORES
07:46Oh, morning. I think we've missed breakfast.
07:49Oh, I don't think I could keep knotting down.
07:52My guts are doing somersaults.
07:54HE GROANS
07:55You all right?
07:56Mm. It's not the most comfortable bed in the world.
07:59You could always sleep with me in the double bed.
08:02I do trust you, Martin.
08:04Well, I wouldn't want to, erm...
08:06Mind you, I wouldn't recommend it.
08:08I don't know if it's the food, but I've had shock and wind ever since I got here.
08:13I suppose we could share the bed.
08:15I mean, we're both responsible adults.
08:18Sorry, Martin, what did you say?
08:21Nothing. It's all right.
08:25MUSIC PLAYS
08:32Just because he's not found the right girl doesn't mean he's gay.
08:35That's what they said about Liberace.
08:37Excuse me, I need to clear these tables.
08:39Yes, we've nearly finished.
08:40Oh, go away!
08:41But he's never had a proper girlfriend. Not one.
08:45He might be just a late starter.
08:47Now, that's true.
08:49Or he might just be a big, fat homo.
08:51I mean, everybody thought that barman was normal,
08:55but I heard he was once caught rolling around behind that bar with a fella.
09:02So you never can tell.
09:04I think it's time to find a sunbed.
09:10Oh, dear, I didn't mean to say normal.
09:13He's all right.
09:15The other bloke they caught the barman with...
09:19..it was me.
09:21See you later.
09:28You dirty beggar!
09:31They're a happily married couple.
09:34MUSIC PLAYS
09:48MUSIC CONTINUES
10:04OK, ladies and gentlemen,
10:06here are your tickets for the Waterfalls of Algar,
10:10which entitles you to full access to all areas,
10:13your Solanas picnic
10:15and a complimentary glass of Nisperow liqueur.
10:18What is Nisperow?
10:19It's a fruit grown locally in this region.
10:22Well, hey, let's get pisperowed on Nisperow!
10:25She said one glass.
10:32I don't know why we had to come here anyway.
10:34We've got everything we need back at the apartments.
10:36Food, drink, pool for the kiddies.
10:38Oh, come on, ma'am, it's nice to see different places.
10:41I never wanted to come.
10:43There's too many steps, it's too steep and there's too many people.
10:46And my shoes are hurting me.
10:48Oh, you're determined to have a good time, aren't you?
10:51Here, I'll get some of this down your neck.
10:59Oh, Jesus, it's good stuff, that.
11:01Mm, very acceptable, that.
11:03It'd do nicely as a nightcap or a digestive.
11:06No, you wouldn't want a digestive with that.
11:08It'd be too dry. Maybe a chocolate top knob.
11:11A digestive's an alcoholic drink taken after dinner
11:14to complement the meal and aid digestion.
11:17Although I wouldn't expect you to know that.
11:19All right, Fanny Craddock, calm down.
11:21He doesn't need to calm down, he was actually telling you something.
11:24If you tried listening to people instead of making snide remarks
11:27all the time, you might actually learn something.
11:29Excuse me, could we get through?
11:31We've not actually had a free drink yet.
11:34Learn something from him.
11:35You've got no manners, cos you've had no education.
11:38Can we get by? We're not having a free drink.
11:40Hang on a minute, it's just getting good, this.
11:42No education? And who do you think you are, brain of Britain?
11:45You're as thick as two short planks.
11:47Mind you, his mother was just the same.
11:49The apple never falls far from the tree.
11:51Can we just go in, please? We're holding people up.
11:53Whoa, whoa, hang on a minute. What's that supposed to mean?
11:56Just forget it, come on. I wasn't talking to you.
11:58I beg your pardon? You know what it means.
12:00I beg my Janice not to marry you.
12:02You're all the same, you garbies, heathens.
12:05And where's all this suddenly come from?
12:07Suddenly? There's nothing sudden about it.
12:09Can I have a glass of the free drinks, please?
12:11Oh, calm down, fatty, they're not going to evaporate.
12:14What did you just call my husband?
12:16There you go, typical.
12:18That's what the garbies always wear, rude, vile pigs.
12:21Come on, ma'am, let's go.
12:23Hang on a minute. Whose side are you on?
12:25Not yours.
12:27Unbelievable.
12:30MUSIC PLAYS
12:35Hey, son, do you want to try some of this?
12:38No, thanks.
12:43So, where did you say you were from again?
12:46Benidorm.
12:48Oh, yeah, you said.
12:51MUSIC CONTINUES
12:58Do you honestly think she reckons her son's gay?
13:01I can't see it myself.
13:03He's oafish, boring, completely without style,
13:06totally lacking in manners.
13:08Notwithstanding that, he simply doesn't have the intelligence to be gay.
13:12So you reckon you need all them things to be gay?
13:14Absolutely.
13:16All right.
13:18I just thought you needed to like a bit of cock.
13:24For despair.
13:26Ooh.
13:28Is that nice?
13:30You are a good boy.
13:35Oh, could I have a quick word with you?
13:38I have work to do. Hang on a minute.
13:41Look, I'm sorry about that earlier.
13:44My sister has recently stopped smoking
13:47and we're constantly on edge.
13:49We're identical twins, you see.
13:52And we often feel whatever the other one is experiencing.
13:57She once had a tetanus at the doctor's
14:00and although it were only a tiny prick in her bottom,
14:04I flew off my seat on the bus
14:08and head-butted a woman in front of me.
14:12I have to get back to work.
14:14Would you mind if I came over a bit later on and had a word with you?
14:20Depends what your sister is doing today.
14:23Lovely. I'll come over as soon as I've got him settled.
14:28I cannot wait.
14:44Oh.
15:10Cheers.
15:15KEYS CLACK
15:26Cafe con leche?
15:29No.
15:30Cafe con leche?
15:31No, I didn't order anything.
15:33Uno cafe con leche.
15:35All right, I'll have it. Just leave it there.
15:39What do you want now?
15:41Two oros, please.
15:43Oh, for God's sake.
15:45Gracias.
15:47Hey, good luck.
16:01So you're absolutely certain you're OK?
16:04I did give you my number, didn't I?
16:07I did give you quite a belt.
16:09It's OK. I see you have problems in your mind.
16:12I beg your pardon?
16:14Not like crazy person, like you have trouble.
16:17But I have the gift.
16:19My mother had the gift and so do I.
16:22Oh, what gift is that?
16:24I can see everything. I can see inside people.
16:28Like them X-ray specs we used to get when we were kids?
16:33No, I can see inside your soul.
16:37I can see you have many questions.
16:39Yes, I have.
16:41Questions about your future.
16:43Not my future, my son's.
16:45Wait, the questions are not about you.
16:47No, they're not.
16:49They are about someone else.
16:51Yes, they are.
16:52They are about someone who is close to you.
16:54Yes, he is.
16:55They are not about your mother.
16:57No.
16:58They are not about your brother.
16:59Well, I haven't got one.
17:01The questions are about...
17:05..your son.
17:08How did you know that?
17:11It is a gift.
17:13So, what are your questions about your son?
17:16Well, he's never had a girlfriend
17:19and I've never stuck my nose into his private life.
17:24But, well, today he did actually say
17:29he's interested in girls.
17:32Yes, this is because your son is a Mufalata.
17:35What's a Mufalata?
17:37He's a homo, bender, knobjockey, pillow-biter,
17:41bum-boy, fudge-packer, friend of Dorothy,
17:43fairy, faggot, gaylord, homosexual.
17:46Your son is a homosexual gay.
17:49Oh, well, I suppose you'd know.
17:52What?
17:53I mean, with you being a psychic and everything.
17:56Oh, OK.
17:59Yes.
18:01Another eggnog?
18:04Yes, I think I'd better.
18:08Oh, son, why didn't you tell me?
18:56Yeah!
19:08Get in!
19:15Leslie, you're about to run out of credit, love.
19:18Do you want me to put another hour on for you?
19:20No, thanks, Beth.
19:22That's me done for the day.
19:25All right, darling, take care.
19:27Bye.
19:28I'll see you.
19:49Very impressive.
19:51Yes, just makes you want to dive in.
19:53Well, they do say if you stand under a waterfall,
19:55it's the most invigorating natural massage you can get.
19:59Sounds good to me.
20:01Such a shame I didn't bring my bathers.
20:03Oh, if you don't fancy that,
20:05I went to the course on erotic massage.
20:09I could oil you up and give you a rub down, no bother.
20:14She's very good with her hands.
20:17Well, I did bring me coffee.
20:19Except I don't see you in there.
20:21What did you offer?
20:23Brandy.
20:26So, forgive me for prying, but are you two an item?
20:31No, not really.
20:33Well, kind of.
20:35I mean, sort of very good friends.
20:37Right.
20:39You have an arrangement.
20:41No, no, no, we met in a self-help therapy group.
20:44Uh-huh.
20:46And Katie's fine with this therapy group?
20:49Katie?
20:51Your wife.
20:53Oh, Kate. No, um...
20:55Kate and I have separated.
20:57Oh, I'm sorry to hear that.
21:00Still, you've got your therapy group to keep you occupied, haven't you?
21:05Look, we'll get straight to the point.
21:08I think we're all singing from the same hymn sheet.
21:11Jacqueline's had a lot of fantasies about you since we first met.
21:18Has she?
21:20Oh, yes.
21:22OK.
21:24And I can be very passive with the right sensitive kind of man.
21:29Oh, my God.
21:32Let's say we have a few drinks and napkins tonight,
21:35loosen up and all go back to our apartment for a bit of...
21:39therapy.
21:41Hi! What are you doing?
21:43I'm coming!
21:45Something tells me we won't be hearing him say that again tonight.
21:49No.
21:50Oh, well. Picnic?
21:52Oh, yes.
22:12Is this it?
22:14Sandwich and a bag of crisps.
22:16What do you expect in a packed lunch? A Christmas dinner?
22:20It's not very exciting, is it?
22:22If you want excitement, don't look at the waterfall again.
22:25Never satisfied. That's always been your trouble.
22:28You what? Yeah, give it a rest.
22:30You checking the piss?
22:32She's never stopped whinging since we got off the plane.
22:34Can we just have our dinner in peace?
22:36She started it.
22:38Oh, grow up.
22:39Got an 11-year-old boy there making less fuss than you.
22:41Less fuss? What fuss am I making?
22:43I just said they were rubbish dinners.
22:51Well, this is a barrel of laughs, isn't it?
22:53Ma'am, do you want my penguin? I'm not eating sweet stuff.
22:56Aye, pass it over.
22:58Lovely spot!
23:00Yeah!
23:06So what's going to happen with the shop then, Mel?
23:08Oh, you had to bring that up, didn't you?
23:10What?
23:11Try and have a nice day out, forget all her problems,
23:14you go and mention the shop.
23:15What did you say that for?
23:16I was making polite conversation.
23:18Polite conversation?
23:19I stand and watch my livelihood burnt to ashes
23:21and you want to make polite conversation about it?
23:23Your livelihood? You've got to be kidding.
23:25You're shitting money.
23:26Not that we ever get to see any of it.
23:28Oh, here we go.
23:30At last the truth comes out.
23:32He's no father-in-law to you, he's just a meal ticket.
23:35A meal ticket? You can't get a fucking drink out of him.
23:38Right, that's enough. Mick, go for a walk.
23:41Go for a walk? What's that supposed to mean?
23:43You're just upsetting everybody. Go for a walk.
23:45Where am I supposed to walk to? We're in the middle of bloody nowhere.
23:48Oh, just go!
23:54Ma'am, can I go for a swim?
23:57Of course you can. Be careful.
23:59Do you want me to go in with you, son?
24:01No, you're all right.
24:09Oh, it's a bit cold.
24:11Are your mates not coming in?
24:13No, no, I don't think so.
24:15Aw, they seem dead, no?
24:17Yeah, well, they're certainly very enthusiastic.
24:23Have you found some trunks, then?
24:25Oh, no, these are my pants.
24:27I've found a few.
24:29Have you?
24:31Have you?
24:33Have you?
24:35Have you?
24:37Yes. I'm afraid I'll have to go commando on the journey back.
24:41Where's that?
24:43No, go commando means to not wear any underwear.
24:46Oh, right.
24:49Why don't you go commando now?
24:51What, here? No, no, I don't think that's appropriate.
24:54Come on.
24:56Promise I won't look under the water.
24:58It'll really turn me on.
25:00No, I think what with the kiddies in the pool and...
25:03Beg your pardon? Come on, Martin.
25:05There's friends, but there's no denying there's a spark between us.
25:08There is? I mean, there is.
25:10I mean, I thought there might be.
25:12Martin. Yes?
25:14Get down in the water and slowly pull down your pants.
25:24People are looking.
25:28No, they're not.
25:31Now get them to me.
25:35And swim under the waterfall.
25:37I'll put these out to dry and I'll meet you back there in two minutes.
25:40Brandy, I...
25:44Two minutes.
26:00Two minutes.
26:02Two minutes.
26:29Are you not hungry?
26:32You having a nice time?
26:34Yes. I love to listen to English people argue.
26:41So, what's Paco short for?
26:44I'm not short. I'm taller than you.
26:47No, I mean, is Paco your full name?
26:51Why do you ask these things?
26:53Trying to get to know you. I like you.
26:57My name is Paco Benitez.
26:59I am 22 years old.
27:01I live in Albir with my boyfriend and our dog, Pipo.
27:05I like French cinema and my favourite colour is blue.
27:10You live in Albir with your boyfriend?
27:15Oh, my God. I've made such a fool of myself, haven't I?
27:18No.
27:20I've been trying my hardest with you all day
27:23and I've been getting absolutely nothing back,
27:25but now it all makes sense.
27:27OK.
27:31I can be such an idiot sometimes.
27:35Crisp.
27:54Brandi?
27:58Excuse me.
28:00That lady I was talking to earlier, did you see where she went?
28:03Yeah, she got out.
28:05Right. Did she say where she was going?
28:08No, but she took your clothes.
28:10Oh, God.
28:13Brandi, where are you?
28:15This isn't funny!
28:19What's your name?
28:20Michael.
28:21Michael?
28:22I need your help.
28:31Did you not fancy a dip, Mel?
28:33No, I've got something to eat. Very dangerous.
28:35You've only had a bag of crisps.
28:38Hiya.
28:40Look what I got.
28:41A bottle of that liqueur and some marmalade made out of the same stuff.
28:45What have you bought that for?
28:47Thought you might like it.
28:48There he goes. Wasting money again.
28:50You keep your nose out.
28:51Don't you speak to my mother like that.
28:53Oh, for Christ's sake, don't start again.
28:55What have you got marmalade for? You know I'm not eating sweet stuff.
28:59You're not going to get any fatter from a bit of marmalade.
29:02What do you mean, fatter?
29:07I don't mean fatter, I mean...
29:09What? Fatter than I already am?
29:12You're not fat!
29:14Everybody puts a bit of weight on on holiday.
29:17You are?
29:18What have I said now?
29:19What have you said?
29:21You're nothing but an animal.
29:23Why I ever let an insensitive pig like you marry my daughter,
29:26I'll never know.
29:27I never asked to marry her.
29:29I beg your pardon?
29:31No, I don't mean I didn't want to marry her, I mean...
29:35Come here, Mum. Don't upset yourself.
29:37What are you getting upset for?
29:39First you call your wife fatty,
29:40then you say you wish you'd never married her
29:42and you're asking why she's upset.
29:43Who said fatty? You're twisting me words.
29:45Janice, love, come here.
29:47Come here, Mum. I'm all right.
29:49Janice, just go away.
29:52What are you...?
29:54Oh, my God, you're not crying?
29:56No, I'm not crying, I just want you to go away.
29:59Janice.
30:01Janice.
30:05Oh, for Christ's sake.
30:09Thanks.
30:10Thanks.
30:17It's OK.
30:19I'm all right, I'm all right.
30:21I don't know why I let him get to me.
30:26Hey, where's our Michael?
30:28Oh, he'll be all right.
30:30How do you know he's all right? Tell her, have you seen him?
30:32No.
30:33He went for a swim.
30:34Leave the lad alone, he's not a baby any more.
30:37What's the worst that could happen to him?
30:41Uh...
30:43Excuse me.
30:55Sorry, I just had to...
30:57borrow your son for a bit.
31:05Don't suppose anyone's got any spare clothes, have they?
31:08Don't suppose anyone's got any spare clothes, have they?
31:35Hola.
31:36Hiya, love. I just wondered if you'd seen my husband anywhere.
31:39Your husband? No.
31:41Oh.
31:43OK, thank you.
31:54Today you went to the waterfalls?
31:56Yeah.
31:57Did you enjoy?
31:58Yeah, it was a nice day out.
32:00I just seemed to have lost my husband somewhere along the way.
32:04I can see much sadness in your eyes.
32:06Your what?
32:07I have a gift.
32:09Have you now?
32:10Well, that's very kind of you, but I don't think I want it.
32:13No, I...
32:15have a gift.
32:16I can see deep into your soul.
32:18Really?
32:19Oh, yes.
32:21I can see you are not happy.
32:24Bloody hell, you're good, aren't you?
32:26How did you work that one out?
32:28Is it the lack of cartwheels I'm doing across the floor,
32:30or was it just a lucky guess?
32:34It's a crime to see such a beautiful woman alone.
32:39If you need some company this evening,
32:41I am here for you.
32:43Yeah.
32:44Very flattering, I'm sure, but I know all about you.
32:47You're the type that sits in the cinema
32:49with a box of popcorn on your lap
32:51with a hole cut out in the bottom.
33:04Your lips are warm and tender,
33:06and your breasts are round and proud.
33:15I'm sorry, love, I'm not very good with languages.
33:19And how to say shut the window in French?
33:21If your husband is lost, he's unlucky.
33:25If he chooses to stay away from such a beautiful woman,
33:29then he is a fool.
33:32You are amazing.
33:35I would love to find out if what the English are saying is true.
33:40What are they saying?
33:42That you can play many a good tune on the old piano.
33:47Old piano?
33:51Perhaps I get the saying wrong.
33:53Old?
33:54I think I need to get back to work.
33:55Yeah, I think you do.
33:58Is everything all right?
33:59Fine, as long as you don't mind one of your bar staff
34:02being neutered in front of a bar full of holidaymakers.
34:04Well, that one, he'd have to join the queue.
34:11Are you finished in the bathroom, son?
34:14Neilie!
34:15I want to talk to you.
34:17Yeah?
34:18You've hardly said a word since you got back this afternoon.
34:22Just been fiddling with that phone of yours, baby.
34:26With yours beeping every five minutes.
34:29Hang on.
34:31Son, I want you to know I know how difficult it's been for you.
34:37And I want you to know I'm so proud of you.
34:42I just want you to be happy.
34:45And if that means you being with a man
34:49and getting one of them civilised partnerships,
34:54well, then, I'll stick by you.
34:57I just need to know one thing before I put my foot in it tonight.
35:04Are you ready to come out, son?
35:09I say, son, are you ready to come out?
35:13Yes, I'm ready!
35:15Good save, woman.
35:25You all right?
35:27I'm so proud of you!
35:29It's going to be a wonderful night!
35:40He shouldn't have come out.
35:42Don't be stupid, this is the first place he'll come.
35:44Where's he been? What if he's still at the waterfalls?
35:47He'll come back, tail between his legs, stinking of booze.
35:50Men are all the same.
35:52He can't just sit here, it was me that told him to go away.
35:55Mum, chill out, he'll turn up.
35:58Any sign of him, Mel?
36:00No.
36:02I've asked everywhere and nobody's seen him.
36:04Oh, God!
36:05Well, it's not all bad news. No?
36:07No, apparently there's a singer on tonight.
36:11Oh, come on, Martin, it was a joke.
36:13Really? Well, ha, bloody ha.
36:16Should have seen your face, creeping round naked
36:19but a terrified child took over your modesty.
36:22You look at the villagers,
36:23haven't been outside the apartment with burning torches.
36:26Really? Well, when they do turn up,
36:28I'll point them to the person responsible,
36:30the Bride of Frankenstein.
36:32That means you.
36:34Bride of Frankenstein?
36:36Burning torches, villagers, Frankenstein,
36:39it's a cinematic reference.
36:41I don't get it.
36:43Of course you don't get it, you're stupid.
36:46There's no need to be like that.
36:48A bit like there's no need to completely humiliate me
36:50in front of all those people.
36:52Stop moaning and get a sense of humour.
36:54I will stop moaning if you stop being an annoying,
36:57uneducated, malicious,
37:00loud-mouthed, vulgar,
37:02short, irritating,
37:05unattractive, scouse twat.
37:10Unattractive?
37:14You know, Martin, you were on a promise tonight,
37:16but I am warning you, if I leave this table,
37:18I will not be short of male attention.
37:20No, you'll just be short.
37:25Are you still here?
37:33Cheers.
37:35Good evening, ladies and James.
37:38Good evening.
37:40I said good evening, ladies and James.
37:42Good evening.
37:44That's better.
37:46Well, some of you may already know
37:48we have a fabulous singer here at Neptune's tonight,
37:51Benidorm's favourite, Sean Foster Connolly.
37:54But before that, we have an old friend of Neptune's
37:58who would like to say a few words.
38:00Let's give it up for Norrin!
38:03APPLAUSE
38:05What's going on?
38:08Norrin.
38:13Thank you, love.
38:16Ladies and gentlemen,
38:18there have been many times in my life
38:21when I've been proud of my only son,
38:25Geoff Maltby.
38:27She's my PA!
38:29His many achievements in life have been impressive and varied,
38:34from indoor hang gliding champion
38:37to the only double winner
38:40of the homeskirt meat plate fighting competition
38:44without the need of hospitalisation.
38:49But these brave accomplishments pale into insignificance
38:55when I tell you that tonight, the night is finally decided
39:01and I must stand tall
39:04and announce that he is a wonderful,
39:08happy, proud, gay man.
39:14You are?
39:18Well done, son.
39:20And this one is for you.
39:31MUSIC PLAYS
40:01You will find many ways to have a good time
40:09It's fun to stay at the YMCA
40:13It's fun to stay at the YMCA
40:18They have everything for you men to enjoy
40:22You can hang out with all the boys
40:25No!
40:26Hey, hey, hey, sit down, gay boy.
40:28Listen to your mama.
40:30At the YMCA
40:33You can get yourself cleaned
40:35You can have a good...
40:36No!
40:38Whatever you...
40:39No!
40:44I said young man
40:48I said young man
40:50You can make real your dreams
40:52But you've got to know this one thing
40:56No man
40:58At the YMCA
41:00Young man
41:01Put your pride on the shelf
41:04Go there
41:05To the YMCA
41:07And I'm sure they can help you today
41:18Watch where you're going!
41:19Sorry!
41:25Excuse me.
41:26Have you seen a short man with an orange face?
41:29You what?
41:30The man with the shop.
41:31It burned down.
41:33He owes me money.
41:34I think he's in there.
41:36Are you OK?
41:38Yeah, fine.
41:40You look sad.
41:43I'm all right.
41:45Did you have a disagree with your boyfriend?
41:48Yeah.
41:50He's not my boyfriend.
41:52He's just a friend.
41:55He's probably not even that right now.
41:59Do you think I'm unattractive?
42:01No.
42:03Absolutely no.
42:06Then kiss me, you idiot.
42:12They have everything for you men to enjoy
42:16You can hang out with all the boys
42:26Congratulations, Jeff!
42:28We'll see you in the Old Town at some point
42:31But moving right on, ladies and gentlemen
42:34Tonight's entertainment
42:36Mr Sean Foster Connolly!
43:00Ladies and gentlemen, I've been asked by Mick Garvey
43:04to sing this first song for his beautiful wife, Janice
43:08The message is, listen to the words, Jan
43:11I love you so much
43:23Here in my heart
43:30I'm alone and so lonely
43:37Here in my heart
43:41I just yearn for you only
43:50Here in my arms
43:54I long to hold you
44:00Have you got anywhere we can go?
44:02My girlfriend, she is at home
44:05Come on, the beach
44:09Here is my heart
44:14My life and my all, dear
44:22Please be mine
44:27And stay with me
44:30He's playing with your emotions
44:32You won't see him again tonight
44:34He's playing with your emotions
44:36You won't see him again tonight
44:38Is my dad not coming back now?
44:41Say that you care
44:47Take this heart
44:50I give nothing
44:52Dad!
44:53Mick!
44:58Where have you been?
45:00I thought you'd had enough of me for one day
45:02I made myself a bit scarce
45:04I would be worried about you
45:05I didn't mean to do that
45:07I just...
45:08Here is my heart
45:12I don't want you ever to get sick of the sad
45:15Oh, don't be daft
45:17I love you, Janice
45:20I love you so much
45:22What?
45:32Ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah
46:02Ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah