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Short filmTranscript
00:00This programme contains strong language and adult humour.
00:04THEME MUSIC
00:31WHISTLE BLOWS
00:37It's from my dad.
00:39He's asking if it's all right for him to join us.
00:43You can tell that ignorant, selfish, inconsiderate savage
00:47you call a father.
00:49If he comes within 20 feet of me or our children,
00:53I will call the police.
00:56So, is that a yes or a no?
01:09Why don't you have a paddle, Jodie?
01:11I don't want to.
01:12Of course you don't want to. She's been traumatised.
01:14The more we keep going on about this,
01:16the more frightened she's going to be of going in the pool.
01:19Our only daughter is frightened of going in the pool
01:21for one reason and one reason only.
01:23Oh, give it a rest.
01:25Give it a rest? He tried to drown her.
01:27Oh, as if he'd try and drown his own granddaughter.
01:30He just shoved her in.
01:32Oh, well, then.
01:33How many times? It was just a slightly misjudged bit of fun.
01:36Really?
01:37Well, I wonder what other sort of fun he's got in store for us.
01:40Anthrax in our dinner, man traps in the bedroom.
01:43You want your grandad to sit with us, don't you, Jodie?
01:46Look, it's not funny.
01:48I can't spend the rest of our old age ignoring my own father.
01:51He may as well not have come.
01:53Well, at last we agree on something.
01:55Oh, give up. Where are you going?
01:57What have I done? Oh, I'm sorry, I didn't mean that.
01:59I just meant... I'm off to sit somewhere and read my book in peace.
02:02And don't worry, if my grandad attacks me with a sunbed,
02:05I'll shout for back-up.
02:08Oh, Les, you have no idea how good it feels to be back in Benidorm.
02:12So Madrid isn't all it's cracked up to be.
02:15Oh, Madrid is beautiful, and the hotel I work in was amazing.
02:19It is having five stars.
02:21Five-star hotel?
02:23Yes, the staff and guests were very, how do you say, sophisticated.
02:27And the food was delicious.
02:29And the food was delicious.
02:31And the food was delicious.
02:33And the food was delicious.
02:35It was very, how do you say, sophisticated.
02:38But there was always something missing.
02:41The energy, the excitement, the honesty that is Benidorm.
02:46The women wouldn't sleep with you, would they?
02:48Not one.
02:51Can you tell me what whiskeys you have?
02:53Yeah, that one.
02:55Sure you're back in Benidorm young, free and single?
02:59I am, how do you say, giving the ladies a large girth.
03:03I think what you mean is a wide berth, very wide.
03:06Yes, women, they have brought me nothing but trouble.
03:09Now is the time to work hard and save money for my future.
03:13Dios mio, mira esta.
03:17Yeah, I'll have a large portion of that.
03:20Me too.
03:21Good morning, team.
03:22I'm pleased to inform you after a successful trial yesterday,
03:26Amber starts with us today on a full-time basis.
03:29Les, you already know.
03:31Well done, pet.
03:32This is Matteo, quite harmless, but if you
03:35have to touch him for any reason,
03:37there is an antibacterial hand wash under the bar.
03:40Ha, ha, ha.
03:42Hasta luego.
03:44Excuse me, I've been waiting for 10 minutes
03:47for a large whiskey.
03:49But of course, how else would one ease
03:51oneself into the day at 10.35?
03:59Mario.
04:01Is he all right?
04:02He's fine.
04:03He's just been living in Madrid for the past year.
04:05Come on, son.
04:07Off you pop.
04:08Collect some empties.
04:09Will somebody pour me a large whiskey, please?
04:15Large whiskey coming up.
04:22Morning.
04:23You're up early.
04:25Here they are, Andy Peters and Gordon the Gopher.
04:28Gordon the Gopher wasn't with Andy Peters.
04:29He was with Phillips Schofield.
04:31That's what people thought, but believe me,
04:32that rodent was an absolute slut.
04:34Oh, no.
04:35I met him once.
04:36He was lovely.
04:38He means Gordon the Gopher, not Andy Peters.
04:40Did you change your flights?
04:41Yeah, all changed.
04:42We're now officially on holiday for the whole week.
04:44Yeah.
04:45Right, you go and grab three sunbeds,
04:46and I'll start switching things off in here.
04:48OK.
04:52All right, Kenny.
04:57Right.
04:58Well, we'd better get off then.
05:02Oh, lad.
05:03Come on.
05:07Long time, no see.
05:09How's it going?
05:10You're obviously here because Herbert sent you.
05:12What's going on?
05:13Oh, he's not going to start charging me rent, is he?
05:15We had an agreement.
05:16Kenneth, Herbert's dead.
05:19What?
05:20He died two weeks ago in a freak hair straightening accident.
05:24Oh, my god.
05:25This is the best holiday abroad I've ever had.
05:29When did you last go abroad?
05:30I've never been abroad.
05:31This is my first time.
05:35Listen, there's an amazing beach five minutes from here.
05:38We can go there today, if you want.
05:40To be honest, bruv, I'm just really
05:42enjoying the view from here.
05:45Mate, she is proper tidy.
05:47Yeah, I've noticed that.
05:49She keeps putting on a show.
05:50I've got to go.
05:51I've got to go.
05:52I've got to go.
05:53I've got to go.
05:53What's that?
05:54She keeps putting everything away after she's used it.
05:57No, mate.
05:57I mean, she's fit.
05:59Oh, god.
06:00Yeah, she's fit as.
06:02OK, here's the deal.
06:04I've got 20 euros to see if I can get a number before you.
06:09I don't understand.
06:10Well, I'm betting I could be the first to get
06:12that girl's phone number, like a race.
06:14Who are you betting that with?
06:16Why don't you bet with me?
06:17I am betting with you.
06:18All right, but I need to know who the other bloke is first.
06:22What other bloke?
06:23You are the other bloke and the bloke I'm betting with.
06:26Am I?
06:27Sweet, 20 euros.
06:2920 euros.
06:36Is there a prize?
06:38What?
06:39Is there a prize for getting her number?
06:4220 euros.
06:43Oh, right.
06:44Does she know she has to give the winner her number?
06:49What do you think?
06:50I haven't got a clue.
06:52You can say that again.
06:58I called you three or four times to tell you about Herbert,
07:01but the salon was closed.
07:03I assumed you must be on holiday.
07:06Yeah.
07:07Yeah, I had a little break.
07:10First one in years.
07:11You're just like Herbert.
07:13A workaholic.
07:15Yeah.
07:16That's why he left you the lot.
07:19He's left me the salon in his will.
07:20Not just the salon.
07:22The club, his villa, this salon, all the others.
07:27What?
07:29You're a very rich man, Kenneth.
07:32I'm gone.
07:34There must be some mistake.
07:36I love my Uncle Herbert.
07:39I mean, I loved him, but I hardly ever saw him.
07:42You absolutely sure he's left everything to me?
07:44There is nobody else.
07:47When we spoke about it, he always said,
07:49there's only one person who's family to me.
07:51And when I go, he'll get the lot.
07:55Who was it, the M to the F to the G?
07:57There were readings this afternoon.
07:59Three o'clock in Herbert's office.
08:02Kenneth, I really need me job at the club.
08:08I know this is a lot to take in, but if you
08:11can see a way to keep me on, I'd be eternally grateful.
08:15I don't believe it.
08:17I don't believe it, I'm a bloody millionaire.
08:20Well, maybe a job here.
08:22I can make tea.
08:25Or jobs.
08:26You?
08:28You working here?
08:29You having a laugh?
08:30I'm sorry, Norman.
08:32I try to do my bit for charity, but business is business.
08:35And you scaring away my pensioners
08:38with that ugly mug of yours, that
08:39would be very bad for business.
08:43Oh, my God.
08:44What am I going to do with all that money?
08:47I'm rich.
08:49I'm rich beyond my wildest dreams.
08:52Drop the latch on the way out.
09:05Hello, darling.
09:06Mommy says you can sit with us as long as you promise
09:10not to try and kill me again.
09:12I'm sorry, sweetheart, but you're
09:15going to have to not speak in that daft accent,
09:17or else I can't understand you.
09:19I said you can sit with us if you promise
09:22not to try and kill me again.
09:24Oh, love, I didn't try and kill you.
09:28That's the way my granddad taught me how to swim.
09:31You want to try it in a dirty canal
09:33with a gob full of frog spawn?
09:35What?
09:37Never mind.
09:38Shall I come and sit with you?
09:40Yeah.
09:41OK, then.
09:44Is your mum cheered up a bit?
09:46Yeah.
09:46She says she wants to dance.
09:48Oh, that's a good sign.
09:50On your grave.
09:51What does that mean?
09:54Oh.
09:54Oh.
09:55Oh.
09:56Oh.
09:57Oh.
09:58Oh.
09:58Oh.
09:59Oh.
10:00Oh.
10:01Oh.
10:02Oh.
10:02Oh.
10:03Oh.
10:04Oh.
10:06Must have nodded off.
10:09It's very quiet, isn't it?
10:11It is now.
10:13Where's Kenneth?
10:14He didn't come out in the end.
10:16After all that carry on asking us to stay on for the week,
10:20he's not even sitting with us.
10:23Yeah.
10:25Unless he and his friend have had an early siesta,
10:30if you know what I mean.
10:34When I said a siesta, what I actually meant was-
10:37Jacqueline, I'm not being funny, but I'm trying to read.
10:40Oh, sorry.
10:41I'll go back to sleep.
10:42No, no, no, no.
10:44Don't do that.
10:45Oh, for God's sake.
10:49Help me?
10:50Stuck in street outside Solana?
10:52Who's that from?
10:54Kenneth.
10:57Well, are we going to help him?
10:59He might be stuck in a manhole.
11:01Wouldn't be the first time.
11:06Oh, all right.
11:07Come on, then.
11:09Sorry, this is the third time you've cancelled.
11:12We can't run a hotel with no qualified first aiders.
11:15I understand.
11:17But we are in Benidorm.
11:19And most of our clientele are a sausage
11:20bap away from a cardiac arrest.
11:23Don't bother.
11:25I'll just have to sort things out myself as usual.
11:30There is a problem, Miss Temple-Savage?
11:31Yes, there is a problem.
11:33Due to our high turnover of staff,
11:35I realized weeks ago that we have no first aiders,
11:38which is illegal.
11:39So I booked a first aid course.
11:41But this is the third time they've cancelled.
11:43Do you need someone to show first aid?
11:46I can do this.
11:47I don't mean a quick mouth-to-mouth
11:49on your pick of the female staff.
11:51I need a fully qualified first aider.
11:54Yes, I am qualified.
11:57In my hotel in Madrid, I took a course
11:59to teach others first aid.
12:01Really, Miss Temple-Savage, I have the sticky foot.
12:06Sticky foot?
12:06What's that?
12:08It's the paper to say I had the first aid.
12:10St...
12:11Certificate?
12:12You mean you have a certificate?
12:15Yes, is what I'm saying.
12:18The last thing I need...
12:20What on earth is going on out there?
12:22BUZZER
12:23Is that you, Kenneth?
12:25Are you all right?
12:26Of course I'm not all right.
12:27Are you stuck?
12:29No, I'm just testing out the horn.
12:30All right.
12:31Where are you going?
12:33Of course I'm bloody stuck.
12:34What on earth is going on?
12:36It's Kenneth, he's stuck.
12:37I didn't know he had a car.
12:38Things can't be that bad.
12:39BUZZER
12:40Very sporty, I bet it goes fast.
12:43With Kenneth in it, I'm not so sure.
12:45Will you stop your frigging chit-chat
12:47and help me to get out?
12:48Mateo, help him.
12:49You need to grease him up.
12:51Oh, I might have something in me case.
12:54GRUNTING
12:56GROANING
12:57SCREAMS
13:00God, me conscience!
13:01Hey, I never touched you, it was probably him.
13:03Mateo, will you get up and prepare him to come inside?
13:05I have got the hotel to run, you know.
13:07You're welcome.
13:08Welcome?
13:09You nearly brought me bloody back.
13:10What the hell's going on?
13:12And why are you doing dressed like that?
13:14Between you and me, love,
13:15I'm about to come into an awful lot of money.
13:18Ah!
13:19Ah!
13:20MUSIC PLAYS
13:37Excuse me, mate.
13:38Yes, sure.
13:39The girl with the blonde hair?
13:42What's her name?
13:43That's Amber.
13:48Can you give her this, please?
13:49Sorry, pal, I'm not allowed to do that.
13:51I could lose me job.
13:53Oh.
13:54Tell you what, just leave it there on the tip of the wing.
13:56What? Do you fancy her as well?
13:58No, I just mean I'll let her know it's here.
14:01Oh, right, OK, sweet, thanks.
14:03No bother.
14:04What?
14:05No problem.
14:09Where are you going?
14:10It's time to wrap this competition up and stop fanning around.
14:13I'm not fanning around.
14:15What is it?
14:16Eh, I can't see.
14:18A young lad left it for you, just here, on the bar.
14:20Did you get the number?
14:21Erm, not yet.
14:23Stand aside, bruv.
14:29Just what I always wanted.
14:32All right.
14:33Amber, I'm Tiger.
14:35Hello, Tiger. What would you like?
14:37Well, I wouldn't mind your phone number for a start.
14:39Very funny. Now, what can I get you to drink?
14:41Erm, just a beer, please.
14:48Here you go.
14:51Why won't you give me your phone number?
14:53Have you got something against nice guys?
14:56Enjoy your beer, Mr Nice Guy.
15:07Nice one.
15:10Game over, my friend.
15:12You didn't get it.
15:13Oh, yes, that's 20 euros you owe me.
15:15Shut up.
15:16But I left her my number, so she still might call me.
15:19Mate, the bet was the first person to get her number,
15:22and that person is me.
15:24Crap.
15:25Ah!
15:31What are you doing?
15:32I'm texting her.
15:43Oh, to the G, to the M.
15:46She texted me.
15:48Thanks for your number.
15:49You are so fit, Mr Nice Guy.
15:51Oh, you complete dick.
15:54What? Did you leave your number on a napkin?
15:56Yeah. Why?
15:57What do you mean, why?
15:59Give me your phone.
16:05Why have you not got people's names on your phone contacts?
16:07I prefer to have all my contacts written down
16:10on a piece of paper in my bag in case I lose my phone.
16:16MUSIC PLAYS
16:36Another message?
16:38Can't talk while I'm working,
16:40but I really like guys who swim in their clothes.
16:42Will you?
16:44Oh, my days! I'm so in there!
16:47Swimming your clothes?
16:49Oh, she's crazy.
16:51You're not going to do it, are you?
16:52Mate, he who calls the piper plays the tune.
16:56Yes, I am!
16:58HE LAUGHS
17:00MUSIC PLAYS
17:02MUSIC CONTINUES
17:11Oh, man, today is going to be a good day.
17:17Well, I must say, it's nice to be back in the bosom of a loving family.
17:22Anyone we know.
17:26I've always said it's pointless bearing a grudge.
17:29Life's so short, isn't it?
17:31Some are short, while other people's lives just seem to go on and on and on.
17:36Are you going to have a go on the karaoke tonight, Joe?
17:38Well, we'd better check if your grandad has any more phantom heart attacks
17:41planned before we decide what to do this evening.
17:44I'm going to sing Let It Go from Frozen.
17:46Oh, Let It Go, that's a good idea.
17:48You could join in with that, Sharon.
17:50Oh, will the pair of you just leave it?
17:53All I'm saying is, considering we're going to be seeing a lot more of each other,
17:58it's probably best if we make the effort now to get along.
18:04Oh, right, I'm going to bake one out.
18:08That Spanish bacon's got a mind of its own.
18:11Oh!
18:17What does he mean, we're going to be seeing a lot more of each other?
18:21Erm, er, you know, probably just means the rest of the holiday.
18:28OK, ladies and gentlemen, it is my pleasure today to give you the first aids.
18:32In today's course, I will be showing you how to make someone alive
18:36when they are dead, and how to squeeze people
18:38when they are choking on their sausage.
18:42You've got to be joking.
18:44OK, first of all, if you find a holidaymaker who has died,
18:49they will give you the first aid.
18:51And if you don't, they will give you the second aid.
18:54First of all, if you find a holidaymaker who has died,
18:57they will look something like this.
19:00They will, of course, be fatter, but this is all the poof I had.
19:04So, first, we have to make the heart of the person start again.
19:18Do not worry, this will not happen to you with a real person.
19:22I could make a joke now about the girl in a bikini going down on me.
19:27But since this is a serious subject, I will not be doing this.
19:29Come on, man, this is ridiculous.
19:32Excuse me, Les, I am only halfway through.
19:34I now have to show you how to stop a drunk person
19:37from choking on their sausage.
19:39It is called the Heineken manoeuvre.
19:41May I please have a volunteer?
19:45No, Miguel, put down your hand.
19:47Perhaps, Amber, do you would like to choke on my sausage?
19:50I think we both know the answer to that.
19:57OK, will you please hurry? Time is of the essence.
19:59It was actually a no from me.
20:01It was.
20:05OK, Miguel, come here.
20:12OK, look at them, not me.
20:16Let us be imagining that Miguel is having trouble with his sausage.
20:21First, we make a position behind the victim
20:26and put your arms around just above his waist.
20:34You are then needing to pump him as hard as you can.
20:44He's choking on his own sausage!
20:46He's choking on his own sausage!
20:49Mateo, are you all right? Big breaths, pal, big breaths.
20:55Thank you for your kind attentions, ladies and gentlemen.
20:58This is the extermination of today's demonstrations.
21:03Come on.
21:04I can manage.
21:06I don't know why you're wasting money on sausage.
21:08No, I was being prudent.
21:10There's my sausage!
21:12He's got a sausage!
21:14Oh, no!
21:16He's got a sausage!
21:19He's got a sausage!
21:21He's got a sausage!
21:24Hands off me.
21:26Looks good.
21:28It's for the lady.
21:29I'm going to show you a great way to show off.
21:32You could have come with me.
21:34You can barely fit in that car yourself.
21:36Yeah. It's a bit small, but it's only higher for the week.
21:39And now that I've got it, I can look for something more substantial.
21:42I've always fancied something big and German.
21:44Mm.
21:45Don't you think you should wait and see how much money you've been left
21:48before you start splashing it about?
21:49Oh, look, we haven't all got combination locks on our wallets.
21:52I say live for the day because you're a long time dead.
21:54Hear, hear. As my Donald always said,
21:56grasp the nettle with both hands.
21:59Talking of which, come on, we're late.
22:01Hey, I'm not tight. I'm just careful.
22:05Ooh!
22:06Here you go, young'un. Want orange juice? Fresh from the carton.
22:10Thanks.
22:11Is it all right if I take my break now, Les?
22:13Course it is. Take your time.
22:19Any good?
22:20Sorry?
22:21Your book.
22:22Oh, erm, Animal Farm. Do you know it?
22:24Oh, I saw a bit of the video when I was working on the old rigs
22:28in the early 80s.
22:29Pfft! You've a stronger stomach than me, lad.
22:34Another large one in there, poor favour.
22:36I need butter.
22:38Animal Farm?
22:40HE CHUCKLES
22:41I bet it's not as good as video.
22:45Listen, son, I need your help.
22:48Yeah, I think a few people around here need help.
22:54I need you to drop into the conversation at some point
22:57that I'm coming to live with you.
23:01What?
23:02Do you mean your dad hasn't told you?
23:04No.
23:05I thought it was just your mother he'd not told.
23:07You're coming to live with us?
23:09Yeah.
23:10When?
23:12Straight after this holiday.
23:15Where are you going to sleep?
23:16I thought I would get in your room.
23:18You're going to college, aren't you?
23:19University. And I'm not going until October.
23:22Well, we can muck in.
23:24So if you could drop the hint at some point...
23:27Grandad, I think this might be better coming from you.
23:34Really?
23:35Yeah, really.
23:38OK, you might be right.
23:41I'll tell her tonight, after a few drinks,
23:44when she's feeling a bit more, er...
23:46Violent?
23:47Relaxed.
23:49How to handle a woman.
23:52There's a way, said a wise old man.
23:58Ah!
23:59Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!
24:01There's something wrong with him.
24:04Not right now, but ask me again tonight.
24:11As solicitor, executor and friend of her...
24:20Oi, oi, oi!
24:22You happen to be very late.
24:24Sorry. Sorry.
24:27Sorry.
24:28Sorry.
24:30I, Herbert Lionel DiCaprio III,
24:36declare this to be my last will and testicle.
24:41Did I just say testicle?
24:44I do apologise.
24:47Here we go.
24:49To Rodrigo, my head stylist and personal masseur,
24:55I leave 100,000 euros.
25:00DiCaprio?
25:01Order!
25:02Order! Order!
25:04We'll have order!
25:07As I was saying to Rodrigo, I leave 100 euros.
25:12You said 100,000 a minute ago.
25:16Shut up!
25:18Now, no, you're quite right.
25:22100,000 euros and my infamous gold scissors.
25:29To Jordan Rivers.
25:31Jordan Rivers, yes.
25:33The best drag queen in Benidorm.
25:37Yeah, that's open to debate.
25:39I leave my collection of toupees
25:43and my mother's recipe for schkoos...
25:47schkoos...
25:48Heaven knows what the blazes that is.
25:50It's gauss.
25:51Come on, get to the good bit.
25:53Do you mind?
25:55Everything else, my villa, cars,
25:59all 14 hairdressing salons,
26:03Benidorm nightclub
26:05and entire savings and shares in DiCaprio Holdings,
26:10I devise, bequeath and give
26:14to the one person who has been like a son to me.
26:20Although our relationship has often been distant,
26:25the unspoken love and bond between us has always been there.
26:31The person to whom I refer and bequeath my entire estate
26:37as per appendix one is, naturally, of course,
26:43none other than...
26:48..Norman Fagan!
26:51Also affectionately known as Norman the Dormouse.
26:55And, uh, Dorman.
26:57Norman the Dorman!
27:00Oh, my flippin' God.
27:11Oh! Oh! Oh!
27:21How long did she say for you to sit like that?
27:23She said she's going to text me again soon.
27:26I think she's taking the rise out of you, mate.
27:28You've got to understand, Tyg, some girls are strange.
27:32I once went out with this girl and she got really turned on
27:35when I topped up her mobile.
27:36You what? Yeah.
27:38She used to get really horny if I put a fiver on her pay-as-you-go.
27:42And if I put a tenner on it, oh, my days!
27:45So the more money you put on her phone,
27:47the better she was in the sale?
27:49Yeah, she was in the sack.
27:51Oh, I don't know about that. We never met.
27:53She lived in Nigeria.
28:04Those straws in your ears look hot, but can you fit more in?
28:09Also, tonight, can you wear a Mancini and Neptunes?
28:13It will drive me crazy.
28:15The thing that I don't understand is,
28:18I've had four texts from her in the last 15 mins,
28:22but I've been watching her and she ain't picked up her mobile once.
28:28Tyga.
28:30Yes, mate? Do me a favour.
28:33Sorry, mate. I wondered when you'd realise...
28:35Get us a few more straws from the bar and see if you can find
28:38one of them Mancinis from that shop just outside the hotel.
28:42However she's sending these texts,
28:45she deserves everything she wants.
28:48Oh, mate, believe me, it will be my pleasure.
28:58Can't believe it.
29:00Won and lost a fortune in the space of a few hours.
29:04Well, technically, you never actually won it.
29:08My life, a luxury snatched from under me nose.
29:11It's hard to miss what you never had.
29:13So close, yet so far.
29:17You didn't fit in that car anyway.
29:20Oh, shut up while I'm trying to feel sorry for meself.
29:22Hey, don't take out on Jacqueline.
29:24It's not her fault your uncle didn't leave you a penny
29:26to scratch your arse with.
29:27Oh, here we go. Rub it in wide, don't you?
29:30KNOCK AT DOOR
29:31Go away!
29:35Hi, Kenneth.
29:38You left a bit sharpish.
29:40We'd better get ready for tonight.
29:43Yeah, come on, I've got to put my face on.
29:46Put my hair in the top, no?
29:51It's funny how a few hours can change someone's life.
29:55Isn't it, Kenneth?
29:57Not for me.
29:58I'm in exactly the same position as I was in this morning.
30:01Well, not quite.
30:05What's this?
30:06It's a bit of business from your new landlord.
30:09Me.
30:12I've done you a very tasty deal on the water, Lechy.
30:1513,000 euros?
30:17Is this a joke?
30:19No, Kenneth, it's business.
30:21Of course, I could have waited until tomorrow to bring you this,
30:23but as you said,
30:25I wouldn't want to scare your pensioners with my ugly mug.
30:29I'm sorry.
30:30I'm sorry.
30:31I'm sorry.
30:32I'm sorry.
30:33Ugly mug.
30:35That'd be very bad for business.
30:40You've got 28 days to pay.
30:43It's the least I could do.
30:46After all, we're practically family.
30:54Oh, yeah.
30:57You left before the solicitor could give you this.
31:03You never know.
31:05It might be stuffed with 100-euro notes.
31:1028 days, Kenneth.
31:16I don't believe it.
31:20I'm finished.
31:25Unless...
31:28Like a fool, I went and stayed too long
31:33Yeah, I'm wondering if you left a strong move, baby
31:38Yeah, I am sad, sealed and delivered
31:41I'm young
31:42I can't believe you still haven't opened it.
31:45I don't know what's inside it.
31:46That is why she's saying to open it.
31:48It's obvious what it is. It's money.
31:50It's left in cash, so you don't have to pay any tax on it.
31:54That would make sense.
31:56Give us it here. I'll open it.
31:57Hang on a minute.
31:58I think he needs a large drink first.
32:09So, if it's all right with you, I'll just be dressing as Lesley
32:12in the evenings, not during the day.
32:14Going full-time seemed a good idea at first,
32:17but it's kind of taken all the pleasure out of it
32:20and made it a bit of a chore.
32:22Plus, I can't fit a towel on a radio,
32:25Plus, I can't fit a towel on a radiator at home
32:28for all the dry and brass.
32:30Lesley, I've always said you can come to work dressed
32:34as Frankenstein's monster as long as you do your job.
32:38I'm sorry, that's not what you've come out tonight, is it?
32:4211 hours!
32:46I beg your pardon?
32:4811 hours!
32:50We went on your paintballing trip this morning.
32:54We've been out for 11 hours!
32:58I always say you should never put a time limit on enjoying yourself.
33:02And judging by your breath, you obviously didn't.
33:05Yeah? All right, I've had a drink.
33:08But when you pay to go on a trip,
33:10you kind of expect that you're going to bring us all back.
33:14This is absolutely ridiculous!
33:16They wouldn't let us on the coach to come back
33:17and now they won't let us in our rooms.
33:19We used gloss paint!
33:21What?
33:22What kind of dickhead used his gloss paint at a paintballing match?
33:28And then there wasn't anybody else there.
33:30We just shot at each other.
33:32Have you seen my mother?
33:34Why do you think I should?
33:35Because there were only three of us.
33:37The man who cleans the guns joined in.
33:40Nobody told us he was a psychologically damaged war veteran.
33:43It was like a scene from American Sniper.
33:45HE CHUCKLES
33:47She is a senior citizen,
33:51not a skirting board!
33:53It's not her fault she's thrown her feet.
33:56That lunatic singled my mother out
33:59by the runt of a litter.
34:00It was disgusting.
34:02HE MUMBLES
34:08I'm sorry.
34:09How many times? They won't let us into our rooms.
34:13Second, there's a four-mile walk and two trains
34:17and five buses standing all the way
34:20cos they won't let us sit on the seats.
34:22And now, they won't let us in the rooms!
34:29If you'd like to come with me...
34:31MUSIC PLAYS
34:45You like this place so much that you cannot keep away, huh?
34:47It's not the place I'm interested in, it's you.
34:50OK. Now we are talking turkeys.
34:54It was only a matter of time, I guess.
34:56Don't flatter yourself, Mateo. It's purely business.
35:00Oh, hey, Kim.
35:03I was going to have a word with Mario, but it's been quite busy.
35:06What is going on?
35:07I wanted to have a word about your first day course this afternoon.
35:11How much did you get paid?
35:12I'm sorry, I am not allowed to be in discussions
35:15with matter-of-financial persuasions.
35:17200 euros.
35:18How do you know this?
35:19You've not stopped bragging about it all night.
35:23So, there were ten people on your...course?
35:27I reckon that's 20 euros each to give a trap shot on what farce it was.
35:30What? You cannot be blacking my mail like this.
35:33No problem.
35:35Leslie, where did Joyce go?
35:37Let's see what she has to say about it.
35:38OK. OK.
35:42Take the money.
35:44Thanks.
35:45And I'm going to do a first-aid session for the same people
35:47in our own time.
35:48So, we're actually doing you a favour.
35:50Doing me a favour?
35:52I am out of pockets.
35:53It cost me ten euros to buy that blow-up doll.
35:56Yeah, right. Like you didn't have that already.
35:58HE LAUGHS
36:01MUSIC PLAYS
36:04Yes, Peck?
36:05MUSIC CONTINUES
36:11You've got to give her credit.
36:13She hasn't even looked at me once.
36:15Yeah, she's good.
36:16Although, you should at least give me a wink
36:18when you did those 100 press-ups in the Fred Finstone playground.
36:21I wouldn't have been able to see it anyway.
36:22I went slightly dizzy and I couldn't see anything
36:24for about 20 minutes after that.
36:26MUSIC CONTINUES
36:29Ooh, here we go again.
36:33Great. If you can tell Maria you've got 20 euros
36:36and I will text Jose and Gregorio.
36:38But remember, big secret.
36:40We don't want to get Matteo into trouble.
36:42OK. OK.
36:44MUSIC CONTINUES
36:48Oh, no, there.
36:53Been texting a lot today.
36:55Yeah, yeah, me old man.
36:56You know how he likes to know what's going on.
36:58Tell him about Amber and the texting.
37:00He won't believe it.
37:01Nah, he won't.
37:05I took a long time considering it only came from over there.
37:08Oh, my days.
37:10You're not going to believe what she wants me to do now.
37:13Sing her a karaoke song and strip naked?
37:15Yeah. How do you know that?
37:17Lucky guess.
37:19Anything for you.
37:29That your dad again?
37:30Yeah.
37:38MUSIC CONCLUDES
37:40CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
37:43Thank you to Jonathan,
37:45Benny Dorm's original Motown singer.
37:48We'll have more from him later.
37:50But first, it's time to hear from your good selves.
37:54It's karaoke time!
37:56CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
37:59And first up, we have a young lady who I've been told
38:01would like to be a professional singer when she grows up.
38:04So let's hear it for a star of tomorrow, Jodie Dawson!
38:09CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
38:10Jodie! Come on, Jodie!
38:12Remember to smile and don't forget to breathe.
38:17Gosh, you can't be much of a singer if she forgets to breathe.
38:20Dad! God's sake.
38:22I'm just saying.
38:23PIANO PLAYS
38:30THEY SING
38:44Mateo?
38:45Yes, Miss Templers-Hammond?
38:47A word about the first aid course today.
38:49There's a slight problem.
38:51A problem?
38:53Really?
38:54Yes. The man who was supposed to do our course
38:57was also supposed to do the Bellroy and the Flamingo,
39:00but it looks like he's going to be off all week.
39:02Can you do those two?
39:04Two more courses?
39:06I don't think so, Miss Templers-Savage.
39:08I think you're right.
39:09There is a problem.
39:11It would be another 400 euros.
39:15When do they want me?
39:16THEY SING
39:24Sorry, this is doing me head in.
39:26Are you telling me? She's a professional singer.
39:28I can't wait for my modelling contract to come through.
39:30What, her? I mean, us.
39:32Just sitting here staring at that bloody parcel.
39:35Get your grubby paws off.
39:37You might be a millionaire.
39:40Well, if I'm not, I'll be on that plane back with you two
39:42at the end of the week.
39:43You're serious? You'd come home?
39:46Do you love it here?
39:47I could barely make ends meet when I was working with my dad.
39:50I just have to admit it, I haven't got the money to start from scratch.
39:53THEY SING
39:55Unless...
40:10Oh, come on, I can't stand it.
40:12It's like Christmas.
40:14THEY SING
40:20Donald always used to tease me on Christmas Eve
40:23with a massive package.
40:25THEY SING
40:36Well, what is it?
40:38What's he left you?
40:41He's left me his bloody teeth.
40:43THEY SING
40:50Let's hear a stay!
40:54Let the storm rage on!
40:57The cold never bothered me anyway.
41:04BELL RINGS
41:08SHE HUMS
41:13Is she still singing?
41:16Oh, come on, darling.
41:17Well, the talent doesn't stop there.
41:20Ladies and gentlemen, next, if your ears can take it,
41:24we have Joey.
41:26Come on, Joey!
41:28Yeah!
41:30This is for a certain little lady who I've been chatting to today.
41:34You know who you are.
41:39Yeah.
41:41Yeah.
41:42When I walk on by, girls look at me like Dami Fly.
41:45I pimp to the beat, walking down the street with my Nula Freaks, yeah.
41:49This is how I roll, animal print pants, I control.
41:52It wasn't your fault, darling.
41:54It sounded rubbish.
41:55It was their fault, not yours.
41:57He was in the wrong key, Joe.
41:58I'll ask the DJ if he's got any other versions next time.
42:01You know what you need, don't you, Joey?
42:03What? Dad.
42:04You need a professional karaoke set-up.
42:08You know, with a microphone and a speaker
42:10and little telly with the words on the lot.
42:12Yeah. Do you know how much they cost?
42:15400 quid. That's what I've just paid for one.
42:18What do you need a karaoke machine for?
42:20For my lovely little granddaughter.
42:23Are you serious, Grandad?
42:25It gets delivered the day we get back.
42:29I love you. Come here.
42:32Well, I'm going to be saving that much money coming to live with you lot.
42:36I thought there's no point, that money just sitting there in the bank.
42:39I beg your pardon?
42:40Er, the same again, is it?
42:42Good idea, is it, yours, Rob?
42:44She seems to have taken it quite well.
42:46She has?
42:48There is no way on earth that that man is moving into my house.
42:52I'll tell you something right now.
42:53If he moves in, I'm moving out and I'm taking the kids with me.
42:56Do you understand?
42:57Right, I am going to get absolutely hammered.
43:01Sod her before the sodding teeth,
43:03sod the solana and sod blow and go.
43:06I'm down in this, Rob, I'm getting off into the old town.
43:08There is a way of staying here.
43:10What do I want to stay here for?
43:11Weak beer and old people farting along to karaoke.
43:14No, in exactly 20 minutes' time,
43:16I shall be hanging upside down in the bears' bar
43:18like a spatchcocked chicken.
43:19All of this lot will be a distant memory.
43:21No, I mean a way of keeping the salon.
43:23No, I've had enough, I'm not going thousands into debt
43:25just to do half a dozen bloom rinses every week.
43:29We've got a business proposal.
43:32You what? Me and Jacqueline.
43:33What do you mean? I want to expand in Europe.
43:36There's cheeky old pudding and custard on the menu,
43:38get a couple of them down your neck.
43:39You know what I mean. I don't want your money.
43:41Good, cos I'm not giving it to you.
43:43I want to take over the lease of blow and go.
43:47What about me?
43:48Well, you stay on as equal third partner and head stylist.
43:52And I'm guessing you're the other third.
43:54I'm going to be more a sleeping partner.
43:56Why doesn't that surprise me?
44:03Well?
44:04Well, how's this going to work?
44:07Are you moving to Spain?
44:08No, of course not. I've still got the salon back home.
44:10But I'll come out every few weeks,
44:12have a few days in the sun and see how everything's going.
44:16What about Gavin?
44:17Well, that's obvious.
44:19I've not mentioned him since we got here.
44:20We split up.
44:22Again?
44:23No.
44:24This is it.
44:27I need a fresh start. What do you say?
44:29I say let's first drink to you being a single man.
44:32Oh, no, I don't want to do that.
44:33I've still got a lot of respect for Gavin.
44:35You've got to be the only one who does, fat, whinging cow.
44:38Ding-dong, the witch is dead.
44:40We can all talk about it tomorrow.
44:43Are you still going into your old town?
44:49I'm sexy and I know it.
44:53No, I don't think I'll bother.
44:54Check it out.
44:55Things seem to be hotting up here very nicely.
44:59Wiggle, wiggle, wiggle, wiggle, wiggle, yeah.
45:00Wiggle, wiggle, wiggle, wiggle, wiggle, yeah.
45:02Wiggle, wiggle, wiggle, wiggle, wiggle, yeah.
45:04Wiggle, yeah.
45:06Wiggle, yeah.
45:07Do a wiggle, man.
45:09Wiggle, man.
45:11Yeah!
45:13That's exactly why I'm looking for a man, not a boy.
45:18No.
45:23I've done everything you've asked me, Amber.
45:26Now, can we have a date?
45:29Oh, no.
45:30That's right.
45:31You said straight naked.
45:35SHE GIGGLES
45:40No, no, Joey, don't do it!
45:42It was me!
45:46It was me. It was me. It was me all along.
45:50Get them out of here.
45:53Joey, come on, you know.
45:55Out, get out.
45:56What do you think you're playing at? Get them outside.
45:58You've hurt me. Tiger, you've hurt me.
46:01I thought those two were a couple.
46:04Oh, you could bring a tear to a glass eye.