Benidorm S08 E01 - Episode #8.1
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🎥
Short filmTranscript
00:00This programme contains strong language and adult humour
00:30I'm sorry, pal, there's no bar service until breakfast is finished.
00:52Oh, Buenos Dias. You're heading out early.
00:55But then the early birds do catch the worms.
00:58Anything's got to be better than the shite you're serving in there.
01:11Oh, don't be joking.
01:17Leslie?
01:20Is this some kind of a joke?
01:22Les.
01:23Beg your pardon? I'm Les, not Leslie.
01:25I've been doing the job of three people lately,
01:27so I haven't even got time to wash my face in the morning.
01:30Never mind set my wig and put my make-up on.
01:32Well, some of us manage it.
01:35I don't mean I wear a wig, I just mean...
01:37Look, look at this sign.
01:39Oh, dear. I knew I shouldn't have left it to Baby Jesus.
01:42Well, exactly. When I get...
01:45Baby Jesus?
01:46You know, the soft lad.
01:48Jesus in maintenance.
01:49I thought we'd established that his name was pronounced Kajus.
01:53Bless you.
01:54Well, his son, Jesus Junior, has been helping out a bit.
01:58And you call him Baby Jesus?
02:00Well, yeah, he is only nine.
02:04You mean to say we have a nine-year-old child
02:06working part-time at the hotel?
02:07Well, not officially, it's just we had to bring someone in
02:10to show us how to work the new computer.
02:13Get this sign redone, mop up that water
02:15and send Baby Jesus packing
02:16before we all get closed down for child exploitation.
02:21Another day in paradise.
02:23Cheer up.
02:46Well, here we are again.
02:48Just you, me and our beloved Benidorm.
02:53Oh, we said we'd be back,
02:55but I didn't realise it would be under these circumstances.
03:00Oh, Donald, I do miss you.
03:04Are you there, boys?
03:06We're going to have another death on our hands at this rate.
03:09That mountain path is a health hazard.
03:11I knew we should have worn flats.
03:13Kenneth, please.
03:14What?
03:15A bit of respect.
03:16What?
03:17A bit of respect for Jacqueline.
03:19Oh, I'm sorry, Jacqueline.
03:21It's just that I'm more grazing sheep than mountain goat.
03:24More moaning cow.
03:25I do appreciate you boys coming up here with me.
03:29Donald was so fond of both of you.
03:33There was only one group of people he loved more than the gays,
03:37and that was the Straits.
03:41Lovely, I think.
03:43I don't think we're going to need this after all, you know, Kenneth.
03:46Yeah, I don't know why you dragged that enormous thing all the way up here.
03:51Oh, I thought you wanted him to be here.
03:53Very funny.
03:55Come on, help me get this set up.
03:57Donald's final wish was to be scattered all over Benidorm.
04:00Did you really think he'd want to be blown in your face?
04:03Well...
04:05You remember what happened when you brought Big Donner up here?
04:08That's true.
04:09So we don't want any accidents.
04:11It was just a gentle, controlled breath of wind
04:13to send Donald gently billowing across the bay.
04:16What did happen when you brought Big Donner out here?
04:18Donald and I came up here to scatter Big Donner's ashes,
04:22and, well, we got the wrong rocks,
04:24and then we ended up throwing someone's head over the cliff.
04:28And it wasn't Big Donner's.
04:30Me and Lee have ended up fishing it out of the sea.
04:33Oh, I have missed this place.
04:42Yeah, booking under the name of Dawson.
04:45Two doubles in the twin room.
04:47I'll be with you in a minute.
04:49Sorry, it's just that one of the doubles, it's a deluxe room,
04:52and I need to know which one it is.
04:54Right. Let's have a look.
04:57What did you say the name was?
04:59Dawson. And can you hurry up, please?
05:01I'm going as fast as I can, pal.
05:03You're joking, aren't you? Any slower, you'll be going backwards.
05:06I beg your pardon?
05:08We made the booking, but then a few days later,
05:11I called and I upgraded one of the double rooms separately,
05:15and I need to know which one it is.
05:17So can you hurry up?
05:19HE CLEARS THROAT
05:21Dad!
05:22Shit.
05:23What the hell do you think you're playing at?
05:25Don't mention the deluxe room.
05:27Don't mention what?
05:28Nothing. Shut up.
05:30No, hang on a minute.
05:31What are you doing tearing off and leaving us with all your bags?
05:33I don't know why you've got three bags anyway.
05:35We're only here for a week.
05:36Well, I can't understand how you managed with just one.
05:39I mean, clothes maketh the man, Sharon.
05:42I'm not wearing the same clobber every day.
05:44I got all my things packed and won't let anybody kiss.
05:47And if you all don't like that, you can kiss my sweet potato pie.
05:51HE LAUGHS
05:54Look, I've told you before, darling,
05:56I can't understand you when you talk daft like that.
05:59Oh, leave her alone. Jodie, stop being silly.
06:01Stupid is what stupid does.
06:04You keep looking at me like that
06:06and I'm going to bitch slap you from here to Kingdom Come.
06:09What did she just say?
06:11She's just giddy from the coach ride. Jodie, chill.
06:14I'm thirsty.
06:16We all are, love.
06:17Can we check in, please?
06:19Three rooms under the name of Dawson.
06:21No bother.
06:22This gentleman here was just saying that one of the double...
06:25Forget it, forget it. It's all sorted. I've sorted it.
06:28Well, you just said that you wanted...
06:30Well, it's all right now.
06:31Jodie, Billy, why don't you go and get everybody set up by the pool?
06:35And I'll sort these cases out.
06:37I mean, it's least I can do, isn't it, after leaving you with them?
06:40No, no, you're right. We want to get in rooms.
06:42Yeah, I don't really want to lie by a pool in a pair of jeans.
06:45Where is the pool?
06:47That way.
06:48Where's this pool?
06:50Right, well, come on, everybody out.
06:53Don't spoil the surprise I've got for you.
06:56Oh, what surprise?
06:58When do we get the surprise?
07:00What are you doing?
07:01I'm just going to find some shorts.
07:03No! Come on, out.
07:05I said I'll sort this lot.
07:07Go on, get in the sun.
07:12Now, then, which is the deluxe room?
07:14This one, on the 15th floor.
07:16All the other rooms are on the 10th.
07:1915th floor. Nice one. Thanks, pal.
07:25Hey, you can't leave all these other cases here, pal.
07:28Yeah, well, I'll be back.
07:33Can I help you, pal?
07:34Oh, hello, mate.
07:35Can you tell me who the manager is here, please?
07:37Joyce Templer-Savage, but she's a bit busy today.
07:40Yeah, that's fine. How long's she been here for?
07:42Four years. Why?
07:44Brilliant. Can you tell her that I'm here?
07:46I've got an interview to pull a few birds.
07:48I mean a few pints.
07:49You applied for a job here before?
07:51Me? No, I've never been in this hotel in my life.
07:54I've just got one of those faces.
07:56You can say that again, pal.
07:58Just take a seat over there by the sign.
08:01You're a star. Nice haircut.
08:04I usually have a chestnut bob, but it's in the wash.
08:15Hello, boys. You want to check in?
08:17Yes, please. The surnames are Dyke and Ellis.
08:20Those are our surnames, one each, cos it's him and me.
08:26Thanks. Have you got your passports done?
08:29Yeah. You need them to get through the airport.
08:31Give him your passport.
08:33Right.
08:36Right, got you lads down for a twin room?
08:38Yeah, we're on a bit of a tight budget, unfortunately.
08:41He's on a tight budget and I'm skimp.
08:44Right. Tell you what.
08:46Let's see if I can sneak yous two into a deluxe twin.
08:50Now, much bigger than the standard,
08:52give you lads a bit of breathing space.
08:54Oh, wicked.
08:56I've always thought size is quite important in the bedroom.
08:59Yeah.
09:00He ain't talking about his knob. He means the room.
09:05He knows I meant the room.
09:07Oh, right. Wicked.
09:09It's just that he laughed,
09:11so I thought he might think you meant your knob.
09:13Nah, nah, nah. Everything's cool, bro.
09:16Yeah, sweet.
09:18I'm sorry, boys, I haven't got a bigger room for tonight,
09:21but if you want to check with me in a couple of days,
09:23I might be able to move you.
09:25Right. There's your room keys.
09:27Response, 10th floor.
09:29Brilliant. Thanks very much.
09:31Hey, brother.
09:32Oh, my God.
09:34Check out the fit of Spanish birds at one o'clock.
09:37Why do we have to wait until one o'clock?
09:41Is it something to do with the time difference?
09:45My dearest Donald,
09:48so now is the time to say farewell.
09:52Meeting you was the best thing that ever happened to me.
09:57It's been such an adventure.
10:00But you always said,
10:02don't cry because it's over.
10:06Smile because it happened.
10:10Smile because it happened.
10:15And in all the years we had together,
10:19you sure have got me a lot to smile about.
10:25Remember, darling?
10:34This is just adios and never goodbye.
10:39Hang on a minute.
10:41I don't think we need it, Kenneth.
10:43Now, look.
10:44Do we want Donald sitting in a muddy puddle
10:46halfway down the mountain,
10:47or do we want him billowing gently across the bay?
10:49Billowing gently across the bay.
10:52Exactly.
10:57Oh, bloody hell, I think it's rusted.
10:59Oh, come here.
11:00When was the last time you used this?
11:02I got it to inflate, Roger.
11:03I beg your pardon?
11:04Big inflatable man I used a couple of years ago.
11:06Oh, dear God.
11:07To advertise the salon.
11:08Are you ready?
11:10Oh, for God's sake, mind your fingers.
11:18Gently!
11:20Gently!
11:21I want you gently, do you hear me?
11:23Yeah.
11:25Yeah, I'm OK.
11:28Did it get off all right?
11:31Oh, yeah, there he is.
11:37Adios, Donald.
11:39Adios.
11:54Well, that was a bit of fun.
11:57Well, thank you.
11:59Mr Bueno, this is a very impressive CV.
12:03Yes, very impressive.
12:06It's not actually my CV,
12:08but I thought it might catch your attention.
12:11I'm sorry, it's not your CV?
12:14No.
12:15I downloaded it from the internet.
12:18As a doctor of medicine,
12:19my CV would be highly inappropriate for bar work.
12:23You're a doctor?
12:25Yes.
12:26You're a doctor and you're looking for bar work?
12:29I'm afraid so.
12:31My brother is a trained architect,
12:33but he's currently working at the Rich Bitch Show Bar
12:36as a cocktail waitress called Tammy.
12:39These are very difficult times of austerity we are living in.
12:43I'm sorry, Dr Bueno,
12:45but I think you're vastly overqualified for this job.
12:48It wouldn't seem right employing a doctor to work behind a bar.
12:52Have you never heard of people diversifying?
12:54Look at Dr Dre.
12:56He now sells headphones for a living.
12:59I have no idea what you're talking about.
13:01You don't understand.
13:03I need this job.
13:06Pasley, I think you'd be much better suited looking at...
13:10No, no, no, I can do this job.
13:12Looking after drunk tourists, mopping vomit.
13:16You don't think I've ever done this before?
13:18I was a doctor in Benidorm, for God's sake!
13:20I'm sorry, Dr Bueno, I think you'd better leave.
13:23No, no, no, I can serve drinks.
13:25I can call the bingo.
13:27Two fat ladies, a clickety-click.
13:29I can sing. Give me a job.
13:31I need a job!
13:37Do, do, do, push pineapple, shake the tree.
13:41Do, do, do, push pineapple, grind coffee.
13:44To the left, to the right, jump up and down and to the knees.
13:48Come and dance every night and sing to the hula melody.
13:55Ah, help! Somebody help!
13:59What's going on here, sunshine? Give me this job, eh?
14:02Who are you?
14:03Do you want him out?
14:04Yes, get him out!
14:05Right, come here, you.
14:06Ah!
14:08Ah!
14:19I think I'll have a swim in my pants.
14:21No, you will not.
14:22I'll text him again.
14:23What's the difference? They're still shorts.
14:25They're just boxer shorts.
14:26I said no.
14:27Would you like to be in a pool if your dad was in there
14:30swimming in his pants?
14:31There is a difference. I change my pants.
14:33Oi!
14:34Oh, this is ridiculous. I'm going to the room.
14:37I don't know where it is.
14:38Why does your father always do this?
14:40Oh, always do what?
14:42Make life difficult.
14:44I'm walking on sunshine.
14:46Wee!
14:47I'm walking on sunshine.
14:49Wee!
14:51What about this then, eh? It's not bad for day one, is it?
14:55What have you been doing?
14:56I've been getting changed.
14:58You don't think I'm sitting down here in my slacks and jacket, do you?
15:01Dad, you told us to wait down here because you had a surprise.
15:05Well, what is it?
15:07Er, I forgot.
15:09You forgot?
15:11Oh, yeah, that were it.
15:13I've got a new hat. Do you like it?
15:15HE CHUCKLES
15:16Right, here's your keys.
15:1810th floor.
15:19You're in 1026.
15:21Kids are in 1025.
15:23Now, I asked them if they'd move your cases,
15:25but they didn't look too keen.
15:27So I'd check reception to see if they're still there, if I were you.
15:31Right, time for a beer, I think.
15:34HE CHUCKLES
15:35Is he taking the piss?
15:36He's old. Do you know what he's like?
15:38Yeah, I do know what he's like.
15:39And it's got nothing to do with him being old.
15:43Where's Jodie? Where's she gone?
15:45Jodie?
15:47Darling, please don't go near the pool without your armband.
15:51She's all right.
15:52She's not all right. She can't swim.
15:54Right, shall we get these cases while the clothes still fit our Jodie?
15:57Well, hey, ladies and gentlemen, Rob Dawson is on fire.
16:00Yeah, I am in these bloody jeans.
16:03Hey, hey, you.
16:05Just chill out, yeah? It's supposed to be a holiday.
16:08I know we are. I'm sorry, it's just...
16:10It's your daddy winds me up.
16:12Does he? I can't say I've noticed.
16:16Come on, you know what hotel rooms do to me?
16:19No, what do they do?
16:20They give me an uncontrollable urge to use a trouser press
16:24wearing nothing but a shower cap and a filthy grin.
16:27Well, let's get in that room.
16:32You really should go to hospital.
16:34I'm all right.
16:35Oh, she's as strong as an ox, this one.
16:37Kenneth's right.
16:39I once pulled a Skoda Rapide across Newport Bridge
16:44dressed as a bottle of strawberry yazoo.
16:47I told you, she needs medical attention. She's concussed.
16:50It was all for charity.
16:52And I'm sure I'd have got more than half way
16:55if Big Donna hadn't been steering.
16:57Sounds perfectly normal to me.
16:59Well, if you're absolutely sure you don't need a doctor...
17:02The only doctor she needs is Dr Kenneth and his magic scissors.
17:05I'm going to give you a free cotton blow-dry.
17:07Oh, lovely!
17:09I don't know about the pair of you,
17:11but I could do with a screaming orgasm.
17:14Let me get some drinks first.
17:16We can start planning a social life after I've done your hair.
17:19Here's the keys to the salon. Put the kettle on, I'll be there in five.
17:22Morning, boys.
17:24All right?
17:25What do you think, then?
17:27It's... It's like paradise.
17:30Right, shall we grab a couple of sunbeds?
17:32You get the sunbeds,
17:33I'm going to have a swim before the tide goes out.
17:41Well, first of all, Mr...
17:44Marcus.
17:45My name's Marcus.
17:47First of all, Marcus,
17:49I must thank you most sincerely for your help this morning.
17:53What can I say?
17:54I see a beautiful lady in distress.
17:56I just switched autopilot.
17:58Oh, no, I meant you chucking that loony out onto the job.
18:02Yeah, I know.
18:03Sorry, when you said beautiful lady, I was a little confused.
18:07I didn't mean to embarrass you.
18:09I speak as I find.
18:12Well...
18:14Yes, anyway, the thought of having you is most appealing.
18:18On our staff, I mean.
18:20But, of course, I am looking for an experienced man on the job.
18:25For the job. The job of barman.
18:28Right, now, are you listening to me, Sergio?
18:31Yeah.
18:32You are now on the pool bar till two o'clock.
18:37Go home, go home.
18:41No, no, not go home, go to the pool bar.
18:44The pool bar.
18:46Take your coat off.
18:48No mask.
18:49Chuck it out.
18:50No mask. Chuck it out.
18:56Do you have a CV?
18:58I wrote down my contact details.
19:01Ah.
19:05Oh, other side.
19:09Yes.
19:10Do you have any experience working in the hotel industry, Mr...
19:16Horny?
19:17Hornby.
19:20I'm going to be honest with you, Joyce.
19:23May I call you Joyce?
19:25We're all one big happy family here, Marcus.
19:28Where the hell do you think you're going, Sergio?
19:31You're supposed to be behind the pool bar.
19:34I go, I go, I'm not liking it here.
19:37I go back to Barcelona.
19:40Please continue.
19:43Oh.
19:45Oh.
19:46Please continue.
19:49Oh.
19:50That's a Picasso, right?
19:52I doubt it. It was three euros at the Chinese bazaar.
19:56Yeah.
19:58That's Picasso's bird of peace.
20:01Beautiful.
20:03Where was I?
20:05Oh, yeah.
20:06So I retired at 42 and I came to live in Benidorm.
20:10For the first five years, I lived a very comfortable life.
20:14I'd swim in my pool in the morning.
20:16I would like lunch.
20:18Sounds idyllic.
20:20But I'm a very physical man, Joyce.
20:22I can see that.
20:24I try to relax, live the easy life.
20:26But I needed a project.
20:28Cut a long story short, I started a dabble in the property market
20:31just before the bottom fell out of it.
20:34Joyce?
20:36Oh, I do apologise. I got confused.
20:39I got as far as your bottom.
20:41Anyway, since then I've been kind of living in denial.
20:44But the fact is, you've got the one thing I need.
20:48Really? Are you sure?
20:50A job.
20:52I need a job, Joyce.
20:54Yes, I understand that, Mr Hornby.
20:57But we really do need someone with experience.
21:00Joyce, I'm an open book.
21:03What you see is what you get.
21:05If you like what you see, it's yours.
21:08How hard can it possibly get?
21:10You tell me.
21:12KNOCK AT DOOR
21:14Come in.
21:16I'm sorry, Mrs Templer-Search, we're so low on stuff now,
21:19I'm not sure how we're going to get through the day.
21:22I'm ready when you are, Joyce.
21:24Thank you, Mr Hornby. I'll be in touch.
21:27Oh, I do hope so, Joyce.
21:31He seems keen.
21:33Want the last one in?
21:35Yes, thank you.
21:37Although, to be honest, Liz, I think Mr Hornby could be the one.
21:40On the job, I mean. Er, for the job.
21:42Well, as long as he's got plenty of experience.
21:45We haven't got time to be trailing someone up.
21:48In you come, love.
21:55I'm sorry, Mrs Templer-Search,
21:58this is Amber.
22:00I'm on reception, if you need me.
22:03Hello, Amber. Do take a seat.
22:06Joyce Templer-Savage.
22:08Did you bring your CV with you?
22:10Absolutely. Here's my CV.
22:13Three references, my city and guilds in hotel management and catering,
22:17my first day training certificate and my IPLQ.
22:20IPLQ?
22:22International Pool Lifeguard Qualification.
22:26Mmm.
22:35You all right, son? Where are the others?
22:38You shake them off at the pass?
22:40They're on packing. Why didn't you say the other sunbeds?
22:43What others? I'm all right on this one.
22:45The sunbeds for me, Sharon and the kids.
22:48Oh. I didn't think.
22:51Come on, there's some more beds over there.
22:53Well, I'm all right here, to be honest.
22:55What are you doing? I've said I'm all right here.
22:58The bar's too far away over there.
23:00We don't need to get our own drinks from the bar.
23:03That's why we had kids.
23:05Oh, yeah.
23:10Here you are. These are fine.
23:14Billy. Yes, Dad?
23:16I don't suppose you've had a drink?
23:19I don't suppose you've had a word yet, have you, to Sharon,
23:23about me moving in?
23:28Son?
23:30Erm...
23:32Well, it's not a great time, to be honest, Dad.
23:35Why would I have moved out my flat?
23:37What do you mean, you've moved out your flat?
23:39Well, you know my flat. I've moved out of it.
23:41Why? Why? Why would you do that?
23:43Cos you said I could move in with you.
23:45I didn't mean it. I mean, I didn't mean right now.
23:48Where's all your stuff? It's in Ron Pickford's garage.
23:51Who the...? Who's Ron Pickford?
23:53Oh.
24:02You're very quiet, the pair of you.
24:04Just relaxing, aren't we, son?
24:06Yeah. Relaxing.
24:12Where are the kids? Rob's taken Geordie to get an ice cream.
24:15I think it's time for a drink.
24:17Yeah, smashing. I'll have a beer.
24:19Diet Coke for me.
24:21And I will have, er...
24:23..whiskey and lemonade.
24:25No point drinking beer when spirits are free as well.
24:32It'll be long, kids. I'm dry as a bone here.
24:35I thought you were going to get the drinks.
24:37No point doing everything yourself, is there?
24:39That's what you had kids for, isn't it?
24:41What kind of thing is that to say?
24:43They're not slaves, you know.
24:45I'll go.
24:47Beer for you. You want a diet?
24:49I beg your pardon? Diet Coke.
24:51Just checking. You know what my memory's like.
24:54That'll be a good ten minutes.
24:56I'm going for the tom tip first.
24:58I've been baking it since we disembarked in Alicante.
25:01Oh!
25:05And wash your hands.
25:09You want a diet?
25:11Diet Coke. You want it to get your drink right.
25:14He knows exactly what he was saying.
25:16How did he end up coming with us?
25:18I don't remember inviting him.
25:20He's been through a very traumatic divorce.
25:22He needs this holiday.
25:24Mary's the one who deserved a holiday
25:26after 40 years married to him.
25:28Oh, well, I suppose we should be thankful for small mercies.
25:31At least we've only got them for a week.
25:33Yeah.
25:39She's good. Young and attractive.
25:42Doesn't seem afraid of hard work.
25:44Yes.
25:46Not sure why she brought her dad with her.
25:48Marcus and Amber are each on an unpaid shift.
25:51I'm sure by the end of the day we'll know who the man is for me.
25:54Or woman. For us. I mean, I mean...
25:57The Solana.
25:59Any problems, I'll be on my mobile.
26:02Me bother, Mrs Temple Savage.
26:06It's on the top there.
26:09You won't get it any cheaper.
26:11You won't get it any cheaper than that.
26:13All right? Thank you. Goodbye.
26:15I'm sorry about that.
26:17Now, listen. I'll talk about Picasso.
26:27Kenneth, according to this, you haven't had any customers in weeks.
26:31If my nose were as long as yours,
26:33I'd have a lot more offers to sit on me face.
26:35You're certainly not getting any offers of work.
26:37How do you pay your bills? How do you pay the rent?
26:39Look, I have an arrangement.
26:41Oh, God, here we go.
26:43No. It's not what you think.
26:45Basically, I'm rent-free.
26:47This place belongs to me Uncle Herbert.
26:49He even pays all the bills.
26:51I knew it. Shut up.
26:53He's a real uncle.
26:55Well, actually, he's not even a very good friend of me mother's,
26:58but he owns this and most of the other hairdressers this side of Alicante.
27:01So, Kenneth de Beck, you've fallen on your stilettos once again?
27:05Well, let's face it, the less time I spend in here,
27:07the more time I get to spend with you two.
27:11Has she been all right?
27:13Not really.
27:15She misses him terribly.
27:17They're like bookends.
27:19What, you mean they usually had two or three people in between them?
27:21No. Well, yeah.
27:23I mean, they were always together.
27:25When they didn't have two or three people in between them.
27:28It's funny, isn't it?
27:30Everyone thought Donald would go hanging upside down,
27:32bound and gag-dressed as a naughty nurse.
27:34You mean he didn't? No.
27:36They both got into bed, turned out the light, fell asleep.
27:38At some point, his heart just stopped beating.
27:40Oh.
27:42I guess there's only so much fun you can pack into one lifetime.
27:46Yeah.
27:48By that reckoning, your number should have been up years ago.
27:51Oh, don't say that.
27:53Anyway, why aren't you staying the weekend?
27:55I've got a salon to run myself.
27:57Do you know the kind that has customers?
27:59Oh, come on. She loves it here.
28:01What's more important, your salon or Jacqueline's happiness?
28:08I'll go and get her some more drinks.
28:15Oh, you're actually open today.
28:17No. Gave you that impression.
28:19What's the point of having a salon which is never open?
28:21Piss off!
28:23Oh! It's just banter.
28:25Are you checking in?
28:27Where have you been?
28:29Oh, sorry about that, Joyce.
28:31Just had a nip outside for a bit of business.
28:33Nip out? I'm supposed to be showing you how to check guests in.
28:36Absolutely. I'm all ears.
28:38If you'll watch me...
28:40Watch you? I can't take my eyes off you.
28:43Hello?
28:45Sorry. Passports, please.
28:47Oh, just a passport.
28:49Yes. Now, the computer is very old,
28:52but terribly efficient.
28:54A bit like me.
28:56If you make one more crack about your age,
28:58I'm going to have to put you across my knee.
29:00He's a cheeky one, this one.
29:04Hold that thought, Joyce.
29:06Hello?
29:08Well, I'm a bit busy at the moment.
29:10Can I call back?
29:12What's it regarding?
29:14Now, we've got kids here...
29:16Yeah, listen, I'm in full-time employment now.
29:18You'll get your payment within the next month.
29:20Um...
29:22One second.
29:24Gracias. Same to you, mate.
29:26Um, Marcus.
29:28I think we're going to have to set a few boundaries.
29:32Joyce, I just want to thank you so much for this job.
29:34You're very welcome. I...
29:36I beg your pardon?
29:38They say that Benidorm is a lonely city
29:40when your back's against the wall.
29:42But the moment I looked into those big blue eyes,
29:44I knew you were the one.
29:46I'm sorry? The one?
29:48To save me.
29:50Well, they haven't actually offered you the job.
29:52I'm going to lay myself bare in front of you, Joyce.
29:54Here?
29:56I've got nothing.
29:58I'm stony broke.
30:00I've got debts up to here.
30:02It's a shame I'm not a bit taller.
30:04I appreciate all that.
30:06You are an angel sent from heaven.
30:08I don't think you understand how I feel at the moment.
30:10I could kiss you.
30:12What now?
30:14How many times have I got to tell you?
30:16Sorry.
30:22Buenos dias.
30:24Welcome to the Salama.
30:32Oh, my God.
30:34Oh, isn't it?
30:36Never seen him that sad before.
30:38Oh, my God.
30:40Oh, isn't it?
30:42Never seen him that size before.
30:44Really?
30:46Oh, mate, I've got to email you some links.
30:48How would you get your mouth up to them?
30:50Start by buying her a drink.
30:52They're made of plastic, right?
30:54Nah, man.
30:56Those are the real deal.
30:58I think I just might be with a chance.
31:00What are you talking about?
31:02What are you talking about?
31:04Those massive straws on the bar.
31:06I was talking about the girl behind the bar.
31:08What girl?
31:10Oh, the one behind the bar.
31:12Yeah, she's fit.
31:18Same again, please.
31:20Course went down well.
31:22Here for the week?
31:24What's it got to do with you?
31:30You've got some admirers.
31:32Comes with the job, doesn't it?
31:34Not for all of us.
31:38So, you worked at Benidorm before?
31:40Yeah.
31:42I was at the Regency for a year,
31:44then at El Jardin in Altair for two.
31:46Bloody hell.
31:48This must be a step down for you,
31:50serving people with tattoos and broken noses.
31:52I prefer my men with a bit of character.
31:54I was talking about the women.
31:56I prefer my men with a bit of character.
31:58I was talking about the women.
32:00Excuse me, lad. Can I get a drink?
32:02Hola. Same again.
32:04You know that woman you were with earlier?
32:06Blonde hair, blue suit,
32:08good-looking.
32:10Is she the manager?
32:12What's it got to do with you?
32:20You getting in?
32:22Is it cold?
32:24Where's your inflatable ring?
32:26Shall we get it for you?
32:32Are you getting in?
32:34In a minute.
32:36Can you swim?
32:38No, not really.
32:40There's only one way to learn.
32:50Diet Coke, you're sharing?
32:53Oh, my God!
32:55Georgie!
32:57Bloody hell!
33:01Oh, shit!
33:10I'm here. I'm here, darling.
33:12Don't worry, I'm here.
33:14Oh, sweetheart!
33:16She's OK. She's all right.
33:18Thank you so much.
33:20He kicked me.
33:22Who kicked you? Are you all right, darling?
33:24Of course she's not all right. She nearly drowned.
33:26Grandad. Grandad kicked me into the pool.
33:28What?
33:30Don't be ridiculous.
33:32You didn't kick her in, did you, Dad?
33:40Well, I might have just nudged her.
33:42A bit.
33:44Nudged her? Nudged her?
33:46She nearly frigging drowned!
33:48But he said there's only one way to learn,
33:50and he kicked me in.
33:52What? Come here!
33:54No, no, no.
33:56Let me at him! No, get off me!
33:58I'll kill him! I'll bloody kill him!
34:00Dad, go inside!
34:02She's all right.
34:04A couple of gulps full of water's not going to kill her.
34:06I'll rub his frigging head off!
34:08Come on, calm down.
34:10Calm down.
34:12What?
34:16I want to do karaoke.
34:18We'll do it tomorrow night, darling.
34:20You need to rest tonight.
34:22She doesn't need to rest. We're on holiday.
34:24She needs to enjoy herself.
34:26I want to do my karaoke and get my groove on.
34:28Right.
34:30We can go down for an hour
34:32if you stop doing that silly voice.
34:34KNOCK AT DOOR
34:36It's open.
34:38What's going on?
34:40I'm starving.
34:44Well?
34:56Thank you very much.
34:58Enjoy your evening.
35:00You seem to do very well today, Alma.
35:02Very well indeed.
35:04Thank you, Mrs Templeton.
35:06And I heard all about the incident in the pool today.
35:08You did very well there too.
35:10Oh, thank you.
35:12But this job isn't just
35:14working hard and saving
35:16children's lives only.
35:18It's about
35:20experience.
35:22I gave him the references.
35:24I've had a lot of experience.
35:26I'm talking about life experience.
35:28I think we're
35:30possibly looking for a more mature
35:32applicant.
35:34Oh.
35:36Thank you for another hour, Amber.
35:38You've done great again.
35:40God, Les.
35:42Fancy dress. You didn't tell me
35:44it was fancy dress.
35:46Do you do this every night?
35:48You look hilarious.
35:50No.
35:52It's not fancy dress.
35:54And I'm Leslie.
35:56When I'm dressed like this, I'm Leslie.
35:58Oh, God.
36:00Sorry, Les. I mean
36:02Leslie.
36:04Not today, Amber.
36:06I've got one more person to see this evening.
36:08Then I'm going to sleep with my decision.
36:10Sleep on it.
36:12My decision.
36:14I'll be in touch.
36:16Okay.
36:18Hope to hear from you.
36:20I'm sorry about that, Les.
36:22Leslie.
36:24Thanks for all your help today.
36:26You did great.
36:28Are you sure you're not going to take the run?
36:30She's a grafter.
36:32Leslie, the girl's practically a child.
36:34We need somebody with maturity and experience.
36:36Joyce!
36:38Are we all set?
36:40I thought we could do a bit of tapas in the old town
36:42and then maybe catch a movie.
36:44Mr Hornby,
36:46I think there's been a misunderstanding.
36:48I asked us to you this evening
36:50to assess your application.
36:52Oh.
36:54All right. Yeah.
36:56No worries.
36:58I'll wait for you in reception.
37:00Well, I hope you enjoy
37:02your final assessment.
37:04I'm not sure I like your attitude, Leslie.
37:06I'm not sure I'm too struck with yours, either.
37:08Excuse me.
37:10Yes, pal. Do it.
37:12Come on.
37:22I want to sing. I want to sing.
37:24I want to sing.
37:28French night.
37:30All regular dishes,
37:32excluding hot pot, will be served
37:34with garlic mayonnaise.
37:36Sharon, I'm going to text my dad
37:38and tell him to come and have his tea with us.
37:40He's obviously keeping a low profile.
37:42Or, instead, you could leave him wherever he is.
37:44You know, just to be on the safe side.
37:46Considering we've still got one child
37:48he hasn't tried to kill.
37:50Here you go.
37:52Do you want me to help you choose one? Yeah.
37:54He didn't try and kill Geordie.
37:56Don't be so dramatic. My dad's not a well man.
37:58He won't be if he comes anywhere near me.
38:02Have you chosen one, darling?
38:04Yeah. I was going to be
38:06Beyonce with a big old booty.
38:08I'll go and put it in for you.
38:10Oh, come here.
38:14I love you.
38:16Hey, woman, don't mess with my weave.
38:18I've got to show my ass off on that there stage.
38:22I love you.
38:28Mr Hornby...
38:30Marcus, I'd just like to set the record straight.
38:32Great.
38:34I'm extremely flattered by your very obvious interest.
38:36Oh, yeah?
38:38Well, I really need this job.
38:40No, I meant in me.
38:42Oh, well, I'm happy to go through whatever it takes
38:44to get me on the payroll.
38:46Go through? What does that mean?
38:48Look, we both know I'm not exactly
38:50cut out for working in a shitty
38:52three-star hotel.
38:54I beg your pardon?
38:56If I'm absolutely honest, all I need is proof
38:58that I'm in full-time employment.
39:00I won't bore you with the details, but I do realise
39:02if I'm being paid to ride the bike,
39:04I've got to pump the tyres up every now and then.
39:06What?
39:08Well, I thought that was the arrangement we were both driving at.
39:10Oh, no, Mr Hornby.
39:12There's no arrangement.
39:14Apart from the fact that I have a job vacancy
39:16for which you are clearly unqualified
39:18for your attitude.
39:20But I've said I don't want the job.
39:22All I need to know is, are you going to put me on the payroll?
39:24No, I'm not.
39:26Are you stupid? Now get out of my hotel!
39:28All right, all right, no need to shout.
39:30I'll say goodbye, then.
39:32Goodbye, Mr Hornby.
39:34Is everything all right, Joyce?
39:36You? What?
39:38You don't remember me, do you?
39:40No, mate. And I've got a very good memory
39:42for faces.
39:44Oh, really?
39:46Robbed and tied to a hotel radiator?
39:48Andrew stole mine
39:50and my husband's mobile phones.
39:52Four years ago.
39:54Shit!
39:58Right, come on.
40:00I need a drink.
40:02I was going to run after him, but I thought if I catch him, I'll kill him.
40:16This is amazing.
40:18Yeah, it's not bad.
40:20No, I mean that we can eat and drink as much as we like.
40:22Yeah? Do you want another drink?
40:24Definitely. Do they have a happy hour?
40:26No.
40:28Oh, that's a shame.
40:30Why would they have a happy hour?
40:32All the drinks are free.
40:34Oh, right. That's a shame, though, isn't it?
40:36A happy hour would be nice.
40:46Hey, Joy.
40:48Are we still going out into Bendham to watch a football?
40:50Definitely. But, Tiger, listen.
40:52I've been thinking we should turn our phones off
40:54while the game's on.
40:56Why's that?
40:58Well, it'll be quite tempting to text the lads at home if we score.
41:00That's not really fair.
41:02Why isn't it fair?
41:04Well, it'll spoil it for them, won't it?
41:06Because we're an hour in front.
41:12I'll get the drinks.
41:14I'll get the drinks.
41:44I'll get the drinks.
42:02What does it mean?
42:04They'll call your name.
42:06Can't you tell them to hurry up?
42:08What? You want me to ask them to sing faster?
42:10I'm not answering.
42:12Ooh, Sharon, that's not funny.
42:14No, it's not.
42:16Excuse me, but are you with a Mr Eddie Dawson
42:18in room 1505?
42:20No. Yeah. Yes, we are.
42:22Well, I think he's had some sort of accident in his room.
42:24Oh, my God, Mum!
42:26OK.
42:28The last Terrier we see tonight
42:30is Jodie.
42:32We'll have to do it tomorrow night.
42:34No, now! I can't leave you here.
42:36There's something wrong with your granddad.
42:38Leslie, there is someone in reception
42:40asking for you.
42:42Come on, what are you playing at?
42:44That's my father in there!
42:46What's wrong with him?
42:48I don't know. We can't get in.
42:50Get out the way.
42:56What is it, Dad?
42:58Is it your heart?
43:00No. It's me back.
43:02It's locked.
43:04Sit me up. Careful.
43:06Oh!
43:08Oh, that's it.
43:10Oh, that's it.
43:12Oh, thank God for that.
43:14How the friggin' hell did you get this room?
43:16I don't know.
43:18Why? Is yours not the same?
43:20You know it's not the same.
43:22That's why you ran up to the rooms on your own to get the best one.
43:24Have you seen our room?
43:26It's an absolute shithole. It's not that bad.
43:28Shut up. I don't know why, Sharon,
43:30but this diet you're on,
43:32it really seems to be putting you on edge.
43:34Get off me!
43:36Get off me!
43:38I'm gonna kill you!
43:40Get off me!
43:46Come in.
43:48How will you get on?
43:50Get on?
43:52With your fella? Did you hire him?
43:54No, no, I didn't.
43:56Between you and me, Leslie,
43:58they say there's no fool like an old fool,
44:00and I've just been made to look the biggest fool of them all.
44:02So, will you be hiring the young lass,
44:04or are you still looking for someone,
44:06you know, a bit more mature,
44:08with more experience?
44:10I'm a silly, vain old woman, Leslie.
44:12I knew Marcus...
44:14Mr Hornby would be useless,
44:16but I even juggled the books so I could hire the girl as well.
44:18That's what you get
44:20for trying to eat your cake and have it.
44:22So you are still looking for someone?
44:24I can't go through all this again, Leslie.
44:26I don't think you'll have to. Someone came in the salon at the night
44:28looking for work.
44:32It's Tempo Savage.
44:34Leslie tells me you were looking for staff.
44:36I tell you,
44:38I thought you'd gone to live in Madrid.
44:40Yes, I've been working in Madrid,
44:42but sometimes you have to follow your heart.
44:44Benidorm is my home,
44:46and if you will help me,
44:48I would love to work at the Solana again.
44:50When can you start?
44:52Not for another...
44:5410, 15 minutes, at least.
44:56Right.
44:58Come on, team, we've got a hotel to run.
45:26Yeah!
45:38Yeah!