According to Jim
  • 4 months ago
Transcript
00:00♪
00:25Oh, God, I feel terrible.
00:54Oh.
01:00Head of the dog.
01:14Just gotta stop.
01:23Oh.
01:37No, I'm sorry, pet.
01:38I can't do it.
01:39It's just too hard.
01:42Hang on, hang on.
01:43Hang on.
01:47Too hard for you.
01:49You're having a laugh, aren't you, Les?
01:50I'm absolutely gasping.
01:52You should have said you wanted a brew.
01:53We've just gone past breakfast.
01:55I'm not gasping for tea.
01:56I'm gasping for air.
01:58Aye.
01:59I thought I was skating on tonight,
02:00having last night's chicken galfresco for breakfast.
02:04Anyway, what do you mean, too hard for you?
02:06You've got the easy bit.
02:08No, I mean, this was always me and Liam's costume.
02:13You know, for the fancy dress.
02:15I know.
02:16Why didn't you wear that red dress you wore the other night?
02:19I'll get you a red wig from the joke shop,
02:21because what's her name?
02:23Rita someone.
02:25Keyworth.
02:26You look hilarious.
02:29I'll go and make the brew.
02:32Sorry, Les, I didn't mean to.
02:41Listen, son, you know that condition of Sharon's,
02:44about me coming to stay with you?
02:46Yeah, I think so.
02:48What did I say it was?
02:49No women after 10 o'clock.
02:51Oh, yeah, that's right.
02:52Well, I'm thinking, you know,
02:54if that little dalliance I've got with Jacqueline works out,
02:58I don't want to close the day's fishing
03:00before I've got me tackle out, if you see what I mean.
03:03Shall we talk about it another time?
03:05No, but we'll be home in a couple of days.
03:08Leave it for now.
03:09Maybe talk about it when Sharon's in a good mood.
03:12I'm not sure any of us are going to live that long.
03:20Ladies and gentlemen, Joyce Temple-Savage here.
03:22As you all know, today is Ben Dormer's
03:25world-famous British fancy dress fiesta.
03:29Please feel free to join the fun.
03:31If you need help with costumes, just ask Mateo,
03:33also known for today as Bingo the Clown.
03:39Honk your horn.
03:44And smile. Don't forget to smile.
03:46You're supposed to be a clown.
03:51Mr Debeck, please remove yourself from the sunbeds.
03:54People are beginning to think it's Penny for the Guy.
03:59LAUGHTER
04:04Piss off!
04:08Bloody hell.
04:10Joyce Temple-Savage has gone a bit heavy with make-up today.
04:15Can we dress up more?
04:17I haven't got any costumes, love.
04:19Please?
04:21I wonder if he does birthday parties
04:23or just sticks to murdering teenagers at county fairs.
04:26Why do people think clowns are funny?
04:28They give me nightmares.
04:30I'm with you, Robert.
04:32There's nothing entertaining about a big fat bloke with silly hair
04:35wearing embarrassing clothes and a big red nose.
04:43Dad, can I get a costume, please?
04:45Oh, I get it. Your mum says no, so you ask your dad.
04:48You're not as daft as you look.
04:50I didn't say no, I just said we don't have any costumes.
04:53In that case, I think we need a trip to the shops, don't we?
04:56Yeah.
04:57Right, who's coming?
04:59I was going to hang out with Tiger and Joey today.
05:02I'm all right here.
05:03Come on, then.
05:04If you're buying, I fancy something very fetching in tight lycra.
05:08Good-looking, finding something your size.
05:11I beg your pardon?
05:12Well, it's all for kids, isn't it? Fancy dress.
05:16Right, you ready, darling? Yeah.
05:18Still want us to hire that car, Eddie?
05:21What car?
05:22You know, the one that squirts water, explodes and all the doors fall off.
05:25See you in a bit.
05:27I never asked to hire a car.
05:29What would I want with a car?
05:33And Donald said to Frankie Howard,
05:36there's no point offering her four fingers,
05:39she can't even manage two.
05:42And that's how they used to measure whiskey?
05:44Yeah, that's why Donald was so popular,
05:47because of his fat fingers.
05:51As a barman, I mean.
05:54Yeah.
05:56Morning.
05:57Morning.
06:00These were on reception for you.
06:02Oh, they're lovely.
06:05Oh, Kenneth, you look smashing.
06:08Mr Motivator, isn't it?
06:11I'm not sure I can be bothered with this fancy dress day.
06:14What fancy dress, you cheeky cow?
06:16I just haven't been to bed yet.
06:19Remind me never to send you flowers,
06:21if that's the face you pull when you get them.
06:23Look at the gob on her.
06:24They're from Gavin.
06:26How do you know there's no card
06:27apart from your name and address?
06:29I know because he had a good route round, obviously.
06:31They were favourite flowers,
06:32the only ones I'd ever allow in the salon.
06:34Only he would know that.
06:36Plus, I got this pushed under the door yesterday.
06:42Oh, Troy, why don't you and Gavin get back together?
06:46You were the perfect couple.
06:48It's true.
06:49What was it they used to call you?
06:50The Diana and Dodie of the East Midlands?
06:53It's a mystery why that never worked out.
06:55Shut up. I had 15 very happy years.
06:57Yeah, then you met that whingeing fat old cow.
07:00Right, I am due a very large English breakfast with extra BP.
07:04This swimmer's build will not maintain itself.
07:06Hey, you've got a corkscrew perm at 11 o'clock.
07:09Which gives me 12 minutes to eat me breakfast
07:11and one minute to get back here.
07:13I do love it when a plan comes together.
07:15Hey, there's no stamp on this.
07:18Gavin's in Benidorm.
07:20No, don't.
07:23Hello. Do you do walk-ins?
07:25Only if there's six full-blown Norwegian football players.
07:28He's only joking.
07:30Come and take a seat.
07:32I won't be a minute. I'll just put these in some water.
07:35Beautiful flowers.
07:36Yeah, aren't they?
07:38Oh, heavens.
07:39Don't worry. I've got that.
07:47Cup of tea?
07:49Oh, thank you, Milken.
07:51Thank you, Milken. No sugar.
07:53You've got a smashing bust.
08:06I hate the fancy dressing.
08:08I hate how everybody's treating me like a clown.
08:11I'm not sure that's got much to do with the costume, to be honest, Matteo.
08:16I hate everyone laughing at me, calling me stupid names.
08:19And then they dress you as a clown.
08:21This wig is making me crazy.
08:24Ah, you found another costume, eh?
08:26Yep. Nurse Amber is now on call.
08:28It is too hot for the fancy dressing.
08:30Why did they move the fiesta? It was better in November.
08:33I'm sorry about what I said earlier, Les.
08:35I wasn't making fun of you.
08:36Don't worry about it.
08:38The fancy dress festival was always mine and Liam's day.
08:41But your submission.
08:43No. Saying you would look hilarious dressed as a woman.
08:45Let's just leave it, shall we?
08:47Excuse me.
08:48What can I get you?
08:50Vodka pineapple, please.
08:52If you miss Liam, why don't you go and see him?
08:54It's not that easy.
08:56We both work six days a week.
08:58Then there's this small mutter of 40 euros each time for the coach.
09:02Hey, my lady, it's expensive.
09:04It's one of the reasons I come back.
09:06All right. Great.
09:09What did I come here for?
09:11Oh, yeah, lemon juice.
09:14I do not like to see Les sad, but he does miss his son.
09:17Don't be sad. Clowns are meant to be happy.
09:20And the nurses are meant to make people feel better.
09:23So between us, we should be able to think of something to put a smile back on his face.
09:37What?
09:44You shouldn't be using your phone all day, kid.
09:47It costs you the fortune out here.
09:49I'm just playing chess.
09:51Who are you playing?
09:53Nobody. It's just a free app on my phone. Free game.
09:56Oh, right.
09:59I used to be good at chess.
10:01Here you go. Finish the game.
10:03Just touch the pieces to move them. You're white.
10:08All right, Rob, you coming out to the fiesta?
10:10Oh, you're taking this fancy dress day a bit far, aren't you?
10:13Oh, nah, mate. This ain't a costume.
10:16Yeah, I know. It was kind of a joke.
10:18These are my normal clothes.
10:20Yeah. You know, as I was saying...
10:22Oh, my days!
10:24Hey, tag, tag!
10:26I came over here and Rob thought I was already in my costume
10:29cos my T-shirt's bright and that.
10:31I was like, this ain't my costume, bruv.
10:33These are my normal clothes.
10:35He's like, oh, I thought I was in my costume.
10:38It was hilarious, man. We were cracking up, weren't we?
10:44I don't know what we're going to do for costumes.
10:46We're skinny. I've got some money.
10:48I thought if we stick a ten-euro note to each of our foreheads,
10:52we could go as the free tenors.
10:54Do you get it? The singers?
10:57Three Musketeers. Yeah, or the free cats.
11:00No, Joey, we were going for things that they're specifically free of.
11:04My nan has three cats. We could go as them.
11:07Bloody hell, kid, where did you find this one?
11:10I think there's a village somewhere short of an idiot.
11:13Right, come on, let's roll.
11:17OK, we're off, Grandad. I've just started another game.
11:20Oh, don't worry, I don't need my phone.
11:22Are you sure, son? Yeah.
11:24No ringing your mates in the UK, though?
11:26What mates? See you later.
11:28See you later, son.
11:30Oh, actually, we can't go as my nan's cats.
11:34I just realised one of them's a girl.
11:40There you go. I think that's taken ten years off you.
11:43Not that I knew how old you were in the first place.
11:46But if I had to guess...
11:48..mid-30s?
11:50I can see why you're so popular.
11:53And don't forget, if you're in Castle Donington,
11:55you're literally in the middle of the night.
11:57And don't forget, if you're in Castle Donington,
11:59you're literally 20 minutes away from our derby salon.
12:04Well, I'm here for two weeks,
12:06so I might have to see you again for a touch-up.
12:08Hey, cheeky, I'll have to keep an eye on you.
12:11The lovely Jacqueline will see you at the till.
12:13Hola! This way, please.
12:17Here you go, Barry.
12:19Looking fabulous.
12:21But if you take my advice,
12:23you'll drop the black-and-white minstrels idea.
12:25Very 1960s.
12:27Why don't you do all your karaoke numbers in falsetto
12:30and tell everyone you've come as Leo Sayer?
12:32All right, thanks. Thanks, Kenneth.
12:34I'd just like to go and see Jacqueline at the till.
12:41Right, come on, then. Spill the beans about Gavin.
12:44I'm not gossiping. Good, cos I don't want gossip,
12:46I want hard facts.
12:50It started a few weeks ago.
12:52He'd send me postcards like that, unsigned.
12:55He'd leave little post-it notes on the front door
12:57with a love heart drawn on them.
12:59And you're sure it was Gavin?
13:01I'd pick up the phone and all I'd hear
13:03is this kind of wheezy, laboured breathing.
13:06Yeah, that's him.
13:08I'm just nipping out for a breather.
13:11All right, love. All right.
13:17The creepiest thing he did was leave those little love heart sweets
13:20everywhere for me.
13:22He'd post them through the door at home and at the salon.
13:24If I went to the loo in a bar or cafe,
13:26when I came back, there'd be a packet of them
13:28where I'd been sitting.
13:30Bloody hell. You know Gavin's serious if he's giving food away.
13:33I think you're all mean to have it out with him.
13:35No, I didn't want any contact.
13:37But now he's here in Spain.
13:44Balloonogram for Troy.
13:46Oh, for God's sake.
13:48He must have arrived at the reception.
13:54Dear Troy, please meet me at the Grand Cafe in the Old Town at 2pm.
14:01What are you going to do?
14:13Not being funny, guys, but is it really worth spending 30 euros each
14:16to look like a bunch of tools?
14:19What?
14:20Oh, no, cos we're dressed as actual tools.
14:24I thought...
14:25Oh, yeah!
14:27No, you're right, though. I mean, I ain't even got 30 euros.
14:30We could just go into town and get hammered instead.
14:34Please tell me you meant that one.
14:36Cos you're dressed like a hammer!
14:39Booyah! I'm on fire, bitches!
14:43All right, hang on. I'll do one for you.
14:46I...saw...you!
14:49I saw you!
14:51Mr Saw!
14:55Nah, that one was rubbish.
14:58Damn, I thought I nailed it.
15:02How was that one funny?
15:06Come on, let's grab a beer.
15:16Oh, bollocks!
15:18Everything OK, Sam?
15:21It is now, darling.
15:23Do you know, you get more gorgeous every time I see you.
15:26Charmed, I'm sure. Well, it is nothing I can help you with.
15:29I see you've come dressed as a glamorous hotel manageress.
15:33Well, I like to look the part.
15:35Maybe I could be the fella who cleans the pool.
15:39If only you were. He's cancelled three times this week.
15:42If that pool gets any dirtier,
15:44we're going to have to give swimmers a tetanus shot and a flashlight.
15:48Of course, in the films I've seen, the pool doesn't usually end up much cleaner.
15:52Yes, well, they do say that life imitates art.
15:55I'm not sure you call these films art, love, but they look good.
15:59I'll give you that.
16:01Are you not dressing up for the British Fiesta?
16:04Nah, I'm not going to bother. It's for kids merely, ain't it?
16:07Although I've heard dressing up can be fun for adults as well.
16:11Indeed. What woman doesn't love a man in uniform?
16:25I can't believe Joey goes to church.
16:27I didn't know he was religious then.
16:29You're best mates.
16:30We're mates. We play football together once a week.
16:33I was told about coming on holiday and he said he'd be up for it.
16:36So you don't really know him that well?
16:38I know his shit at football.
16:41Nah, he's a good bloke. He'll certainly kick me off some day.
16:45Oi, oi! What you looking at?
16:47Where'd you get him?
16:48The church.
16:49I thought he was going in for a quick pray.
16:51Nah, man, my mum's religious.
16:53One thing I learnt about churches, security is lax, bro!
16:59Did you steal them?
17:00Nah, man, just borrowed them, innit?
17:02Nice one, brother.
17:04Thanks, should that be, sister?
17:07Hey, lads.
17:08Wearing women's clothes.
17:10This isn't a habit I want to get into.
17:12Definitely not. It's just a fancy dress, innit?
17:15No, Joe, a habit. Do you get it?
17:19A habit?
17:20No, mate, like Joey said, it's just a one-off. Chill, bruv.
17:25THEY CHATTER
17:34There you go, darling tiger.
17:37Now, did your mum give you a euro for the job?
17:40Yeah.
17:41Hmm?
17:42Well, Tan Amber, this is lovely!
17:44Ah!
17:45Oh, terrifying!
17:49Grr!
17:50Mind you, not as terrifying as some.
17:52It is no good.
17:53I asked the children if they want to have their face made with the paint,
17:56but they just run away.
17:57I'm not surprised. You look horrendous.
18:00I am a clown. Children love clowns.
18:03Nobody likes clowns. They're absolutely terrifying.
18:06Go and get changed!
18:07This was the last costume. Do you think I would choose to be a clown?
18:10I'm sure a stag party left a load of tarts and vicar's costumes last week.
18:15What is a tart?
18:16Like you don't know. Off you go.
18:22Oh, come on, you've been in there ages.
18:24Hey, you need stars in your eyes, you know.
18:26I can't just walk through a sliding door and come back two seconds later
18:29looking like Tina Turner.
18:30Do you need any help, Geordie Love?
18:32No, I'm all right. Nearly ready.
18:34Ah-ha! Me hoodies!
18:36Captain Blackbeard at your service.
18:38Captain Birdseye, more like.
18:40Hush your noise, you dirty landlubber,
18:42or I'll take me cutlass and run you through!
18:44Shit!
18:45I don't think you'll have much chance of running anyway, not with that leg.
18:50Wow, you look amazing!
18:53I'm a mermaid.
18:54Oh, brilliant!
18:55The only problem is I can't walk.
18:58But you can carry me dad, can't you?
19:00Erm...
19:01Course your dad can carry you.
19:02Can they not cut a hole for your feet?
19:04They can't cut my tail.
19:05I wouldn't be able to swim, silly.
19:07Yeah, silly.
19:08Well, it's just that, you know, I've got this wooden leg and, well, it's a bit tricky.
19:12Pick up your dorsal.
19:13Honestly, with this leg, I don't think...
19:15Pick her up.
19:16Yeah, yeah, no problem.
19:18Oh!
19:29Is it ringing?
19:30Yeah.
19:31And it's one of them international ringing tones, so he's definitely here.
19:34Who'd have thought Gavin would turn out to be a rabbit boiler?
19:39A what?
19:40You know, that film with Glen Campbell.
19:43I have no idea what you're talking about.
19:46Gavin?
19:48It's Kenneth.
19:50What do you mean, Kenneth who?
19:52What do you mean, what do I want?
19:55Oh, don't you pull the innocent with me, Gavin Ramsbottom.
19:57We all know it's you that's been sending all these flowers and balloons.
20:00Troy's gone to meet you.
20:02What do you mean, how does he know where you are? You're in Benidorm.
20:06You're in Venice.
20:07Not Glen Campbell.
20:08Glen Claus.
20:09Oh, shut up!
20:11No, not you.
20:13What are you doing in Venice?
20:16So if it's not you sending all this stuff, who is it?
20:20Hi, Gavin, it's Troy again.
20:22You're half an hour late now, so can you come in?
20:25Or shall we add this to the increasingly long list of unacceptable behaviour you've been displaying lately?
20:31Please call me when you get this. Thank you, bye.
20:37Hello.
20:39Hello again.
20:40Twice in one day, they go to a smiley moment.
20:44Been shopping?
20:45Well, I tried my best, but you know what it's like out here.
20:47It's as if they don't want your money.
20:50Oh, it doesn't look like you've done too badly.
20:52Drink it, darling, drink it. It's a little supper one has to eat.
20:55Listen, while you're here, could I ask your favour?
20:59I need a big, strong man.
21:01Oh, no worries.
21:02Polypharmacy if you give me five minutes.
21:04Oh, handsome and funny.
21:07I bet you've liberated one or two ladies from their dignity with that routine.
21:13Listen, I'm sorry to be a pain, but my front door was terribly rusty.
21:19Sounds painful.
21:20Sorry?
21:21No.
21:22I usually prefer a hotel, but I think an apartment would be so much funnier when I book this holiday.
21:28How wrong I was.
21:29I've asked them to come and look at it, but it's all manana, manana.
21:33Would you be a darling and help me to get in?
21:37The thing is, I'm supposed to be meeting someone.
21:41I hate to ask.
21:43I feel my grouper's beginning to smell.
21:46Sorry?
21:47Fish.
21:48Oh.
21:49Well, we can't have that, can we?
21:51It would take a big, strong bull like you literally two minutes.
21:55Well, my friend is late already, and I've asked him to ring me, so, um...
21:59You and Miss Black?
22:00Literally just here.
22:03OK.
22:04Oh, you're my hero. How can I repay you?
22:07Could I tempt you with my little fish?
22:09I very much doubt that.
22:11Both floor. There's no lift, I'm afraid.
22:13I wonder your grouper's a bit whippy.
22:15My hero.
22:23There we go.
22:25Oh, Troy, you're an angel sent from heaven.
22:29Can I tempt you with a Vina Rosado?
22:33Or as I call it, day wine.
22:37Thanks, Daisy, but I'd better be off.
22:39My toilet.
22:40I beg your pardon?
22:41My toilet.
22:42Um, could you take a look at it?
22:44I don't think I'm getting a full flush.
22:46No, sorry, I really do have to go.
22:48But I'm terrified of losing my deposit.
22:52Well, I'll...
22:54I'll have a very quick look.
22:56Troy, you're a lifesaver.
22:58It's just through there.
23:01Darling Troy,
23:04I'd heard you'd emigrated to Spain,
23:07but I would go to the ends of the earth for you.
23:11Even Benidorm.
23:14Now we can be together.
23:17Forever.
23:20These outfits are hot.
23:22I know, man.
23:24Sometimes coming up is more sexy.
23:26Keeps the ladies guessing, innit?
23:29Hola.
23:35Excuse me.
23:37What do you think?
23:39I don't know.
23:41I don't know.
23:43I don't know.
23:45I don't know.
23:47Excuse me.
23:49What do you think you are doing?
23:51What do you think we're doing?
23:52Are you sick or something?
23:53Joey, for God's sake.
23:55What? You ain't a real policeman.
23:57It's fancy dress day, you muppet.
23:59Look, that is the worst big moustache I've ever seen.
24:03Look at the state of him.
24:05Oh, shit.
24:07Don't you know it is illegal to drink
24:10while dressed in the religious clothes?
24:12Look, officer, I think there's been a misunderstanding.
24:15I didn't know we could borrow these clothes
24:17because my father's a friend of the priest.
24:19Okay, what is the name of the priest?
24:22Keith.
24:24His name is Keith.
24:26Keith.
24:27Adam Manuel.
24:29Graham.
24:31Oh, that's quite a priest's name.
24:33Okay, listen to me carefully.
24:35It is the British theater.
24:37In the spirit of international relations,
24:39I will not be arrested, too.
24:41Thank you. Thank you so much, your Honor.
24:44But to make amends,
24:46you have to clean the entire beachfront.
24:52You've got to be joking.
24:54Do I look like I am joking?
24:57Look, in my bags, in this shop,
25:00I will be back in three hours
25:02to check every piece of litter that has been cleared out.
25:07Come on.
25:10I'm not being funny,
25:12but that really does look like a dodgy moustache.
25:15Joey!
25:22Oh, hey, hey, hey.
25:24It's the pirates of the Caribbean.
25:27What happened to you?
25:29I've just dropped the not-so-little mermaid
25:31off at Dickie Doughnut's kids' club.
25:33What mermaid?
25:35Oh, forget it.
25:37Oh.
25:42That's better.
25:44Hey, they're great costumes, them.
25:46Did you get me one?
25:51What's this cheap rubbish?
25:53It was all the money we had left.
25:55I think they'd blocked me car because I forgot to sell the bank
25:57I was coming to Spain.
25:59Pass us that phone. I'll ring them now.
26:01I promised that rubber I won't make any calls on it.
26:03Shut up. Give us here. I pay the bloody bill.
26:05And the card game on it has stopped working.
26:07Can you restart it or something?
26:09I were enjoying playing on that.
26:12I used to run a very popular card game,
26:14it's snug at the coaching horses.
26:16Liquor in the front, poker round the back.
26:19I beg your pardon?
26:21Drinks in the front, card game round the back.
26:24What's all this about? Daily limit reached.
26:26I know. I don't know why it says that.
26:29Our Robert says all the games are free.
26:31Your daily limit of £500 has been reached on your credit card
26:34ending in 4546.
26:36That's why my card was declined in the joke shop.
26:38He spent all my money on bloody online poker.
26:53No, I think it's all just a bit of a misunderstanding.
26:56Yeah, cheers.
26:58Have a Cornetto for me.
27:01Well, if Gavin's in Venice,
27:04who's Troy gone to meet in the old town?
27:06Give him a ring and find out.
27:09He was sitting there earlier.
27:11Where?
27:12That seat.
27:13That was, er, what's her name? Daisy.
27:19I think something fell out of her bag.
27:31O to the N to the F to the G.
27:37Ah.
27:39You're going to laugh,
27:41but every Monday when you came into the cash and carry,
27:44I used to cover all the five-litre bottles of Birmingham Solution in kisses,
27:48knowing you'd date one of them.
27:50Hilarious.
27:52I used to sit at the bus stop opposite your salon after work
27:57and look at you,
27:59desperately trying to pluck up the courage to go in.
28:02And then one day I did.
28:04I pretended I needed some change for a parking metre.
28:07I went in and that strange little fat man served me.
28:13My husband at the time, Gavin.
28:15Oh, Troy.
28:17You are such a funny little goose.
28:20Marry me.
28:22Don't think you're listening to me.
28:24Gavin was my husband. I am gay.
28:26Guess what they used to call me at work?
28:28Psychopathic bitch from hell.
28:30Crazy Daisy.
28:36Because I'm so impetuous.
28:43That's Kenneth again.
28:45If I don't answer it, they'll think there's something wrong.
28:48Answer the phone. Tell them you're OK.
28:50But if you tell them where you are, as much as I love you, darling,
28:55I will kill you.
28:58Mmm.
29:00Kenneth?
29:02It's Daisy. She's the stalker.
29:04Yeah, I'm fine. Absolutely fine.
29:06Oh, my God. You're with her now, aren't you?
29:08I'm sorry, Kenneth, I can't hear you.
29:10I'm quite high up and very close to the church bells.
29:13Give us your address and we'll be there in ten minutes.
29:17Troy?
29:19Hello?
29:24I don't like being disturbed.
29:26I don't think you've got much choice.
29:29Don't go anywhere.
29:31You're going to love this.
29:34Two minutes.
29:36Oh!
29:38SHE LAUGHS
29:40SHE LAUGHS
30:11SIGHS
30:17Joey, man, you're getting ash on my clothes.
30:20Oh, sorry, Ty.
30:23They say smoking is a dirty habit.
30:26THEY LAUGH
30:31Why was that funny? No idea, mate.
30:35Hey, look, there's that copper.
30:37Shall we go and show him how much we've collected?
30:39Yeah, come on.
30:42Now I'm in Benidorm.
30:44I'm webo stag do.
30:46Yeah, yeah. It's this mad day.
30:48Everyone in the whole place dresses up.
30:50I'm a policeman.
30:52Yeah, mate, I've been proper winding people up on that.
30:54It's been hilarious.
30:56You should have come. Honestly.
30:59I can't believe it.
31:01We've been doing this for ages.
31:03Why is he speaking in an English accent?
31:05Cos he's English.
31:07He's never been speaking in a Spanish accent before.
31:09He tricked us, Joe.
31:12We've been picking up this rubbish for nothing.
31:14He's tricked us!
31:16I'm going to have a word. No, wait!
31:18Joey, man, we can't let him get away with that.
31:20I know, but wait a sec.
31:22Let's do this properly.
31:27This'll teach him.
31:32CHEERING
31:37Yeah!
31:44Joey, no!
31:53If they're not real policemen,
31:55how come they're allowed to arrest us?
31:57Shut up, Joey. Seriously.
31:59Oh!
32:08SIREN WAILS
32:28Oh, my goodness!
32:30Isn't it divine?
32:33What's wrong, darling?
32:35Don't you like it?
32:39You've been on the balcony?
32:41Just for a bit of fresh air.
32:43I am warning you, Troy, if you do anything silly
32:46that means we can't get married today,
32:48you know what I'll do.
32:50How are we supposed to get married?
32:52Why, do you think I got an apartment next to the church?
32:55Silly sausage!
32:57But we're not locals. The priest might not agree to marry us.
33:00Oh, I think he will.
33:03Listen, Daisy, I can't get married in a church.
33:06Why not?
33:08Well, I'm...a Muslim.
33:10Really? Yeah.
33:12I always knew you were a bit ethnic,
33:15but I thought that was just your style.
33:17No, no. Fully paid up member, me.
33:20But listen, I've got an idea.
33:22Why don't we go back to the Solana?
33:24Oh, why would we do that?
33:26Well, they have...
33:30..a wedding licence.
33:32Do they? Yes.
33:34We could get married today.
33:36That would make me the happiest woman alive.
33:45Do you really mean it?
33:47I do.
33:49Oh.
33:56Oh, wait!
33:59Now we could hear the church bells.
34:01So we must be near.
34:03Oh, and he said he was up high.
34:05So?
34:07Oh, this is like that film, isn't it?
34:09With Leslie Nielsen.
34:11What, Airplane?
34:13No, the one where his daughter gets kidnapped
34:16and he brings them home.
34:19I don't know who you are
34:22and I don't know what I want.
34:24No, that's not right.
34:26I don't know who you are
34:29and I don't know where I am.
34:32No, hang on.
34:34That's not right.
34:36I don't know who you are
34:39and I don't know who I am.
34:42No, that definitely can't be right!
34:45Oh, will you shut up?!
34:51White flag?
34:59White flag?
35:29Hola.
35:43I am warning you, T.
35:45If you do anything stupid,
35:47I will kill this belt.
35:49Oh, my God.
35:51I am warning you, T.
35:53If you do anything stupid,
35:55I will kill this belt.
35:57I will kill this belt.
35:59Gotcha.
36:01That would be terribly romantic.
36:03Together forever.
36:05Let's go for the wedding.
36:07It would be a shame to wear that lovely dress.
36:09I knew you liked the dress.
36:21Outside, then to the right.
36:28Oh, Troy.
36:30You were telling the truth.
36:32Oh, I'm sorry I doubted you.
36:35My darling.
36:38You see?
36:40Father Mateo, I didn't realise you were working today.
36:43How fortunate.
36:45What?
36:46Daisy and I would like to get married.
36:49Do you have a wife getting married?
36:51I thought you were a mufalata.
36:54I'm guessing Ragtime's Chapel is free now.
36:58Go away. You are drunk.
37:00We'd like to get married, please.
37:03Not in here.
37:05Now.
37:07Come on, darling.
37:25I'm going as soon as I've played this.
37:28You have to stay.
37:30She's a crazy, dangerous woman.
37:32Oh, great. That's really given me the incentive to hang around.
37:35Jump.
37:41I'm absolutely positive it'd look like a real gun.
37:44I mean, this is fancy dress day, after all.
37:46Do you really want to chance it?
37:48She looked pretty psychotic to me.
37:50Well, I'm going up there. This is ridiculous.
37:52I'm telling you, it looked like a real gun.
37:54I've phoned the police.
37:55What's going on?
37:57Where have you been?
37:58Your mate's up there getting married to some mad woman.
38:00Crazy, Daisy.
38:02Look, we need to get in there now.
38:04She's deranged.
38:05She's come all the way from Castle Donington.
38:07The police.
38:08They're here.
38:10Hey!
38:12Hey!
38:17Hang on a minute. I've got an idea.
38:21PIANO PLAYS
38:29We are here today to make a marriage of Troy and...
38:33Daisy.
38:35Troy and Daisy.
38:37Marriage is a special thing.
38:39It is not to be taken, how do you say, with no responsibles.
38:44You have to be committed.
38:46I think she should be.
38:48I think she should be.
38:50Beg your pardon?
38:51Oh, nothing. Carry on.
38:58Bride or groom?
38:59Groom.
39:00Bride.
39:01I mean, groom.
39:13Don't mind me. I'm on work experience.
39:16You were in the salon earlier.
39:18Oh, bless you, my child.
39:20That is my brother Kenneth, the hairdresser.
39:23I am Kevin, a man of the cloth.
39:26OK.
39:28To you, Daisy, take this man to be your awful wedded husband.
39:32Lawful.
39:33What?
39:34It's lawful, not awful.
39:36Oh, I so do.
39:40And to you, Troy, take Daisy to be your awful...
39:44I'm sorry.
39:46Lawful wedded wife.
39:49Don't you have the rings?
39:51Oh, the rings!
39:52Oh, my goodness.
39:54We don't have rings.
39:56Don't worry, I think I can help.
39:58Really?
39:59Yeah, if you just put your hand out for me.
40:02Let's have a look at you.
40:03It's in here.
40:04It's in here somewhere, yeah.
40:08Wait, wait, wait.
40:10Get out of here!
40:15Come on!
40:21Troy!
40:23Troy!
40:25I love you, Troy!
40:27But we only have 14 hours to save the Earth!
40:40Can you hear me?
40:43Can you hear me?
40:47Through the dark night, far away...
40:53I must say, you're taking all this very well.
40:56To be honest, I was just relieved he wasn't Gavin.
40:59He can be quite peevish when he wants to be.
41:02Who was he in Venice with?
41:05Oh, are we jealous?
41:07No.
41:08Just asking out of interest.
41:11He said he was on his own.
41:13On his own?
41:14Who goes to the most romantic city on Earth on their own?
41:17I know.
41:18What a waste.
41:19I was thinking of him in Daisy's address there.
41:21She's obviously not fussy.
41:22No.
41:23Cheeky sort.
41:29Do you mind if we don't tell anyone about this?
41:31What, about dressing like nuns?
41:33No, about getting arrested and that.
41:34Oh, right, yeah, no worries.
41:36I thought they were going to make us spend the night in there, man.
41:38I'm going to go and find my family.
41:40Good night.
41:42God bless.
41:43Good night, God bless.
41:45Good night.
41:46God bless.
41:50Took all those habits of yours
41:53That in the beginning were hard to accept
41:58Your passion since...
42:00Where have you been hiding all day?
42:03Fancy a table for two?
42:05Excuse me.
42:06I'm sitting with my friends.
42:10You all right?
42:12No, I'm not.
42:13I'm absolutely jiggered.
42:15I told him everything from beginning to end.
42:18Every little last detail.
42:20A real blow-by-blow account.
42:23No, don't remember that bit.
42:25Not that he seemed interested.
42:27In fact, I'm sure he fell asleep before the end of it.
42:31Just sat there.
42:33With fools as well.
42:35Jacqueline, you know this policeman you spoke to?
42:38Yeah.
42:39Was he in ragtime?
42:41No, he was just sitting at the bar in reception
42:44With a friend who was dressed as a chicken.
42:47Uh...
42:50What?
42:51You're in my heart, you're in my soul
42:55You'll be my first Jedi role
42:59£500?
43:00Where are we supposed to get £500 from?
43:02Don't shout at me, Sharon, please.
43:04I'll pay you back when I can.
43:06It was an honest mistake.
43:07I don't know what else to say.
43:09You're as much to blame for leaving him with the phone.
43:11I left him playing chess.
43:12Why have you got a gambling game on your phone anyway?
43:14Mother, I literally play like ten pence a hand.
43:17Yeah, well, your bloody grandad didn't, did he?
43:19£500!
43:21We're not still going on about that, are we?
43:23He said he'd pay it back.
43:24When I can.
43:25When he can.
43:26I'm not sitting here if you're going to have a go at me all night.
43:29Good. Go and sit with your fancy woman.
43:31She's not my fancy woman.
43:33And you've got me a bright, bloody costume.
43:35Looks like I'll be living like a monk from now on,
43:38thanks to your condition and no rimming after ten o'clock
43:41when I come and live with you.
43:42I never said that.
43:43You can do what you like in your own caravan.
43:46In my own what?
43:48Anybody want to do karaoke?
43:49Caravan?
43:50We're bringing it down from Bridge.
43:52And you're going on the front drive.
43:53Jodie, karaoke?
43:55I'm tired.
43:56Can you carry me to bed?
43:58Me?
43:59Living on the street like a bloody tinker?
44:02I didn't say on the street.
44:03I said the front drive.
44:05Not a chance.
44:06Oh, well, then you'll have to make your own arrangements.
44:08Aye, I will.
44:09Cos I know what I'm not wanted.
44:11You can stick your caravan up your arse, Sharon.
44:14You've finally got what you wanted.
44:17I won't be coming to live with you.
44:20I'd rather sleep in gutter.
44:22And don't come looking for me tomorrow
44:24because I'll be getting first flight home.
44:27And good night.
44:31Well, that's sorted, then.
44:41What a day.
44:43Right, Amber, one more brandy each, purely medicinal,
44:46then everybody back to work.
44:48Matteo, did you give your statement to the police?
44:52Yes, we have all spoken to the police.
44:54The crazy woman is in the hospital
44:56and everything is back to normal.
44:58Normal?
44:59Look at this place.
45:01When have we ever been normal?
45:03Right.
45:08On we go.
45:13Hey, Les, you're not dressed as lively tonight.
45:15No, I think it's been enough dressing up for one day.
45:18What do you think?
45:19Listen, when I did the first painting for the kids today,
45:23we were given some tips
45:25and we were going to give you the 30 euros.
45:27No, no, I don't want your money.
45:29But we knew you wouldn't take it,
45:31so we bought you an open return coach ticket to Madrid
45:36so you can go see William.
45:39An open return costs more than 20 euros.
45:41I know.
45:42Matteo put the rest in with the money he came into yesterday.
45:47And what was she?
45:48Less than my time.
46:23AVAILABLE NOW