• 3 months ago
Transcript
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01:24Look, there's probably a very simple explanation to all this.
01:28It's just a case of retracing your steps.
01:30But I've told you, I just woke up when he was gone.
01:34What was the last memorable thing Donald said to you last night?
01:39Hold that position, I'll just go and rinse this under a tap.
01:45I mean, it's just not like him to go wandering off.
01:49Never mind Mr Neil.
01:51What time did you wake up?
01:53Eight o'clock.
01:55OK, it's half past ten now, so we know one thing for definite.
01:58What's that?
01:59He's been missing two and a half hours.
02:01Well done, Holmes, another case solved.
02:03Which one of you is Jacqueline Stewart?
02:06Oh, and here's Dr Watson.
02:08That's me.
02:09There is a phone call for you.
02:11He's been found on the gay nudist beach.
02:13Oh, what relief!
02:16You see, I knew he'd turn up.
02:18Obviously he said he was going.
02:20It is not your husband who has been found, just his clothes.
02:23Oh, and there is a note from him too,
02:26saying he has been committed to suicide.
02:31Another screaming orgasm?
02:33No.
02:35I'm thinking about my last one.
02:39Natalie, I need to speak to you.
02:41She don't want to talk to you.
02:43I can speak for myself, thanks. I don't want to talk to you.
02:46Do you want me to knock him out? I'll knock him out.
02:48Just say the words and I'll knock him out.
02:50Don't be stupid.
02:51But I can explain about last night.
02:53I saw you getting pushed in a police van full of prostitutes
02:55wearing a dress and high heels.
02:57What is there to explain?
02:58But this was not for me. I mean, this was a mistake.
03:01This is why you're no good as a girlfriend,
03:03always jumping on conclusions.
03:04Listen, stay away from Natalie
03:06or it'll be me jumping on your greasy head.
03:08Why are you so angry?
03:10It's a little thing called loyalty.
03:12You wouldn't know about it.
03:13Hey, I know about this loyalty.
03:15Last night, I was helping a friend.
03:17She needed a date.
03:18I mean, he needed a date.
03:19I mean, he had a friend who needed...
03:21Hey, amigo, what happened to you last night?
03:24What happened to me?
03:25Yeah, came out the restaurant you'd gone.
03:27I expect you'd got cold feet.
03:29No worries, though.
03:30I had a great night.
03:31I'm seeing them both again tomorrow.
03:33You have no idea the trouble you caused me.
03:35I was speaking to a man outside.
03:36Then the next thing I know, you're seeing both of them.
03:39Yeah, turns out they're cousins,
03:41as me old granny used to say.
03:43Keep it in the family.
03:44HE LAUGHS
03:49Are you sure this is all true?
03:51And not just your sad attempt to get in with Nat,
03:53cos I'll tell you now,
03:54you and her, it's never gonna happen.
03:56I swear to you,
03:57he said he just has flings with girls here cos he's married.
04:00He's got kids and all.
04:03Right.
04:05Hey, barman.
04:07Another white wine and another shot of Winderlein.
04:10That's not Winderlein.
04:12That's top-quality Ouzo.
04:14Do I look as though I give a shit?
04:16No, you've got me on that one.
04:18HE CHUCKLES
04:20Hey, son, you're cooking it fine, aren't you?
04:22What time's your flight?
04:23Approximately two hours ago.
04:24Right, you stay here.
04:26I'll give Dodgy Dave a ring.
04:27He does a good task.
04:28He runs Alicante for 40 euros.
04:31Right.
04:33Hang on.
04:35You did say two hours to go.
04:38Two hours ago.
04:40I missed my flight.
04:42Dad, I don't want to leave.
04:44Oh, now, come on, son, don't be like that.
04:46Your mum will be missing you.
04:48She hasn't rang or texted once since I've been here.
04:50Well, because she knows you're on your holidays.
04:52She doesn't want to be bothering you when you're having fun in the sun.
04:54I text her every day.
04:56What do you want to stay here for?
04:58There's no work.
04:59You've got nowhere to stay.
05:01You don't know anybody.
05:03Son, there's nothing here for you.
05:06You.
05:08You're here.
05:10I miss you, Dad.
05:14Really?
05:15Yeah.
05:16Well, I thought I was just a bit of an embarrassment to you, like.
05:21What?
05:22Just because you dress up in women's clothes?
05:25What's that got to do with anything?
05:27It doesn't change the person you are inside.
05:31I have never heard you say a bad word against anyone.
05:37You do the things that make you happy,
05:39but never at the expense of others.
05:44You are the most generous,
05:47kind,
05:49patient,
05:51thoughtful,
05:54loving person I have ever met.
05:58You're no embarrassment to me, Dad.
06:01You're my hero.
06:12What's a woman got to do to get a drink round here?
06:16Right.
06:17Where's this Tricky Dicky or whatever he's called?
06:19Lucky Kev.
06:20You were supposed to be leaving a set of keys to the bar behind reception.
06:23I'll ask.
06:24Look, why don't you lot stay here?
06:25We're only putting a lick of paint on the place.
06:27Oh, no, you're not going anywhere without me.
06:29Don't want your sticky fingers in the till,
06:31creaming off the profits.
06:32What profits?
06:33It's not going to be open today.
06:34You haven't got any keys.
06:35I knew it.
06:36This whole venture's going to be a disaster.
06:38I'm surrounded by amateurs.
06:40If you want to open this bar completely on your own, you go ahead.
06:43I'm very happy sitting on my arse with a beer in the sun.
06:46Oh, that'll make a change.
06:48You've done little else for the last week.
06:50What do you want me to do?
06:51I'm supposed to be on my own.
06:52You've done little else for the last week.
06:53What do you want me to do?
06:54I'm supposed to be on holiday.
06:55Myles was right about you.
06:56Born idle.
06:57Right.
06:58Goodbye.
06:59Oh, that's right.
07:00Abandon me.
07:01A poor defenceless widow left the fend for herself.
07:03Is she taking the piss?
07:04Mick, come back here.
07:06Hiya.
07:07Sorry, mate.
07:08Right, I've got the keys.
07:09Shall we go?
07:10What happened to you?
07:11Eh?
07:12Oh, this.
07:13Somebody in the pub last night bet me 100 euros
07:15that I couldn't lick the back of my own head.
07:17Did you manage it?
07:18No.
07:19No.
07:20It's impossible, apparently.
07:21No way.
07:22Hey, listen.
07:23I brought you some free passes for Terramitica.
07:24You know, the big theme park.
07:25Oh, yeah?
07:26No.
07:27They've all got to come with us
07:28to make sure I keep my hands out the till.
07:29I didn't think we were opening today.
07:30I don't mind taking Michael to the theme park.
07:32You know me.
07:33Anything for the kiddies.
07:34Yeah.
07:35That's you, Madge.
07:36You're all hearts.
07:37See you later.
07:38Come on.
07:39Here.
07:40Give them here.
07:41How many we got?
07:42We might be able to sell some.
07:43Do you think he's topped himself?
07:49Well, he had three months to live.
07:51Who knows what was going through his mind?
07:54What would you do if you were told
07:55you only had three months to live?
07:57I don't know.
07:58I suppose I would travel as much as my health would allow.
08:01There's so much of the world I haven't seen.
08:03Animals migrating in the Serengeti,
08:05the great coral reef,
08:07the dunes of the Sahara,
08:09the Taj Mahal, Petra.
08:12You'd want to see all them places,
08:13plus the dog from Blue Peter.
08:15The ancient Nabatean city of Petra.
08:18Yeah.
08:20Yeah, I think I just want to get as much sex
08:22as was humanly possible.
08:25They say they can't start looking for him
08:27till he's been missing for 24 hours.
08:30But I know he's gone.
08:33He left a note.
08:39My darling Jacqueline,
08:41the time has come to say goodbye.
08:43I kissed you as you were sleeping before I left.
08:46This is how I will remember you.
08:48I want you to remember me as the life and soul of the party,
08:52not some unrecognisable figure
08:54wasting away in a hospital bed.
08:57Until we meet again on the other side,
08:59forever yours, Donald.
09:01P.S.
09:02If my body is ever found,
09:04I'd like to be buried in Benidorm.
09:06Oh.
09:07Flying bodies back to the UK can be hellishly expensive.
09:10If he is washed up on the beach,
09:11you could always pop him in a wheelchair
09:13and tell the cabin crew he's absolutely ratarsed.
09:15I mean, flying back from Benidorm, he wouldn't be the first.
09:18Thank you, Kenneth.
09:20Jacqueline, if there's absolutely anything we can do,
09:22just let us know.
09:24Well, actually, there is one thing.
09:32I know it sounds silly,
09:34but I just can't bear the thought of him without his hat.
09:38Of course it's not silly.
09:40Sorry, we are assuming he's dead, aren't we?
09:42We can't help him swim or anything like that.
09:44Kenneth!
09:45Well, I don't know.
09:46It's a shame we couldn't hire a boat or something.
09:50You know, get a bit further out to sea.
09:53Why don't you go over to that jetty and do it from there?
09:55Well, once he has a good idea.
09:56I knew it had to happen at some point.
09:58I could have a go on that skiing thing while you do it.
10:00I think not.
10:01This is supposed to be a dignified ceremony,
10:03not some kind of 1830 beach party.
10:07Now, how do we get to the jetty?
10:10Come on, Danny!
10:41Oh, my God, it looks brilliant!
10:43I knew it.
10:44Queues all around the block.
10:46It'll be like that time me and Mel went to Northley Safari Park.
10:49£20 to get in and a monkey shaft on the windscreen.
10:53Sort of like a con.
10:55There aren't that many people.
10:56It won't take long.
10:58Here, give me them free tickets.
11:00I'll wave them at her.
11:02Mother, we're still going to have to queue
11:03even if we've got free tickets.
11:05Look!
11:07Free!
11:08Gratis!
11:09No queue!
11:11Mother, will you give over?
11:13We'll just have to wait our turn.
11:16There you go.
11:19Nobody queues when there was my job, eh?
11:23Nice one, Nana.
11:31Adelante.
11:32Gracias.
11:34Adelante.
11:35Gracias.
11:37As my Mel used to say,
11:39it's not what you know, it's who you know.
11:57Would you mind if I said a few words?
11:59What's it got to do with you?
12:01Oh, yes, I'd love that.
12:05Ahem, ahem.
12:08The moving finger writes,
12:10and having writ moves on.
12:12All thy piety nor wit
12:14shall lure it back to cancel half a line,
12:17nor all thy tears
12:20wash out a word of it.
12:29Until we meet again.
12:35Beautiful.
12:37Hey, hey, please move back.
12:39This area's very dangerous, OK?
12:43So, what have you got planned for the rest of the day?
12:45Anything good?
12:46Kenneth, what an insensitive question.
12:48Well, I was only asking.
12:49The police said something about meeting up
12:51with a British consulate,
12:53but I can't face that today.
12:55I'm absolutely drained.
12:59I just want to spend some time on my own.
13:02Oh, yes, let it all sink in.
13:05You know, quiet, peaceful reflection.
13:09OK.
13:11Go!
13:14Oh, my God!
13:16Oh, no, no, no!
13:20Oh, my God!
13:30What the bloody hell's going on there?
13:33Oh, that's them young Spanish lads.
13:35They're bloody fearless on that thing.
13:37Hey, I just realised.
13:38Gave your missus the wrong envelope.
13:40These are the free tickets to Terramitica.
13:42So what did you give them?
13:43Must have been the application form I filled in to work there
13:45when I thought this place was going under.
13:47Oh, they'll be all right. Janice has got some money.
13:50That's not a Spanish lad. It's a woman.
13:53Oh, yeah?
13:55Bloody hell.
13:56Never seen anyone do it on their back before.
13:59If that's who I think it is, she's had a lot of practice.
14:03Whoa, whoa, whoa!
14:11Hey.
14:12Hey, these are all right, aren't they?
14:15I didn't know they gave you a fancy dress.
14:17It's like Glass of the Titans. Can you take my picture?
14:20Yes.
14:27Oh, thanks for taking the last of the togas.
14:30Oh, you look all right.
14:32You look like Charlton Heston.
14:34¡Vámonos!
14:50Mama, how come we're the only ones in fancy dress?
14:56Must have run out of costumes for everyone.
15:00Oh, yeah?
15:01¡Vuestro juramento!
15:03¡Habla y reza! ¡Los que van a morir te saludan!
15:07¡Gordon el Hispano!
15:10¡Por la escuela de Catua, Ragón el Coloso!
15:15¡De comienzo el combate!
15:18¡Eh! ¡Eh! ¡Eh!
15:31So did you see? I was helping my friend.
15:33It was all a case of taking my identity.
15:36Mistaken identity.
15:38My English is just getting worse.
15:40You must think I'm so dumb.
15:41No, I think you're cute.
15:43Natalie, I know you will not take me back,
15:46but could we spend just one more night together?
15:49I miss the touch of your soft skin, my lips touching yours.
15:53If I did take you back, I'd need to know you were serious.
15:56But you already said you will not take me back.
15:58I must respect your feelings,
16:01but to spend one more night with the woman of my dreams...
16:04But what I'm saying is, if I did take you back...
16:08It is no use me begging.
16:10I know you have made up your mind.
16:13But just to spend one more night with you in my arms,
16:16it is all that I ask.
16:26Freeze, greaseball!
16:30Are you talking to me?
16:32Well, I don't see any other dirty, sneaky lying pigs round here.
16:37I do not know why you do not like me.
16:39I have never done anything bad to you.
16:41Leave it, Sam. He's explained everything.
16:43Has he?
16:44Absolutely everything, including his wife and three kids.
16:47What?
16:48A wife? Me? Are you crazy?
16:51Someone told me.
16:52They're not wanting to go around listening to tittle-tattle.
16:55I thought I'd make my own inquiries.
16:57Natalie, you know she is lying.
16:59Mr Matteo Castellano,
17:0242, of Avenida de Naranja, Buenos Aires,
17:07next of kin, Mrs Daria Castellano,
17:11brackets, three children.
17:15I can't believe you're married.
17:17Daria is my sister.
17:19I live with my sister and her three children.
17:22Now, who's the one with the tattle-tattle?
17:24Is that why when I said to the guy at reception
17:26he'd had an almost fatal accident on the road,
17:29outside the hotel, and had been taken to hospital,
17:32he took out this file and said,
17:34Are you sure it's Matteo?
17:36I'll call his wife.
17:38You told my wife I was in an accident?
17:40What is wrong with...
17:43So you are married.
17:45All this time you've been married with three kids.
17:47Natalie, I can explain everything.
17:51How could you do it to me?
17:53How could you do that to them?
17:55If you just listen, I can explain...
17:57Go!
17:58Just go.
18:01I'm sorry, Nav.
18:05You did not have to read out my age.
18:15What do you think's going to win, Nana?
18:17I don't know.
18:18Don't think I put any money on that one with the tattle-tattle.
18:28How the fred did I get locked into this?
18:31Oh, it's the same.
18:33You never could keep your nose out of an argument.
18:38You think so, do you, big lad?
18:46Right, get on with it.
18:48We haven't got all day.
18:49Some of us have got roller coasters to go on.
18:51Shut up!
18:52Oh, ma'am, you can do it.
18:54Come on!
19:03Oh!
19:28Oh, you can't kill him, Mum. He's gorgeous.
19:34Sorry, Liv, you have to give him what they want.
19:39Yes!
19:52No way is my dad going to believe this.
19:54Did you get any pictures?
19:56Yeah, loads.
19:57Come on, we've got to find a shop. I've run out of cigs.
20:00Hey, where are you going?
20:02What the frig's it got to do with you?
20:04You have another six hours to do today.
20:06Oh, piss off!
20:07We don't mind joining in once. We're not doing that all day.
20:10You can say that again.
20:11But you are here to work.
20:14Do you want the job or not?
20:15No, we frigging don't.
20:17Then why did you give me the application form?
20:20If you are not working, you need to pay to get in.
20:22And you are wearing our costumes.
20:27Well, don't just stand there. Go and get them.
20:30You have to be joking. That is one mean bitch.
20:38Careful now.
20:40What I can't understand is why didn't they stop it?
20:44Eight times I went round.
20:46It was 11.
20:47Was it?
20:48Yeah, I counted.
20:49I think the thing was, by your fourth time round,
20:51they'd started taking money from people to watch.
20:54It was absolutely barbaric.
20:55They could tell by the noise you were making
20:57you weren't exactly enjoying yourself.
20:59Well, that's not 100% true.
21:02Amongst the agony, there's just a little bit of ecstasy,
21:06if you know what I mean.
21:07You're joking.
21:08You know what they say.
21:10Water can get into just about everywhere.
21:15Quick, Kenneth, hot sweet tea.
21:16Oh, I couldn't drink anything hot. Not in this heat.
21:18Not for you, you idiot. For Jacqueline.
21:20Oh, yeah.
21:23Steady. Steady now.
21:26Oh, that's better.
21:28You're obviously in shock.
21:30It's a day of all days for this to happen.
21:32Yeah.
21:33I must say, when I was first yanked off the jetty,
21:37it did come as a bit of a surprise.
21:40But the first couple of times round weren't that bad.
21:44It brought a lot of memories back.
21:47Feeling the salty spray in my face again.
21:50I'm sorry?
21:51My uncle Magnus was a Danish deep-sea fisherman.
21:56I used to spend most of the summer holidays grinding his chum.
22:00Did you?
22:01Oh, yeah.
22:02Would never let me handle his tackle, though.
22:05I should hope not.
22:07Shame.
22:08Cos he had one of the most impressive rods I've ever seen.
22:13Here you go. Four sugars.
22:15Oh, thank you, darling.
22:18Oh, I forgot to ask.
22:20What time is Troy back?
22:22He was supposed to be here tonight,
22:24but he's changed his flight to tomorrow.
22:26He has to sign some papers, didn't say what for.
22:29How's his father?
22:31Still dead.
22:32Is there?
22:33Oh, I'm sorry to hear that.
22:38Oh, dear! I think I'm going to have to go again.
22:42Oh, I mean, I'm not going to get graphic,
22:46but I'm sure I must still have
22:49at least another gallon swishing about in there.
22:54Thank God she didn't get graphic.
22:56Large white wine, over here.
22:59How did you get on?
23:01They still won't tell me what's going on.
23:03Oh, what is going on?
23:05You know I don't poke my nose into yours or Jeff's business,
23:09but I'm worried about you.
23:12It's not just the divorce, is it?
23:14I'm waiting for the court to decide
23:16on what I get from that bastard Bashir.
23:19Not that fella who interviewed Diana.
23:23What?
23:24Martin Bashir.
23:25I remember him doing that lovely interview with Michael Jackson,
23:30smashing head of air.
23:33Martin Bashir and me, not Michael Jackson.
23:36What are you talking about?
23:38Martin Bashir.
23:40I'm talking about my soon-to-be ex-husband Bashir Mahmood.
23:44He's got every penny of my life savings.
23:47What did you give him that for?
23:49He was going to invest it for me.
23:51I should know within the next 24 hours
23:54whether or not I'm left without a penny to my name.
23:57Oh, heck.
24:00Every cloud has a silver lining.
24:03He can always come and stay with me.
24:06Indeed?
24:24Are you asleep?
24:27Yeah.
24:29Are you?
24:31How did it go today?
24:34It's all right.
24:36Gave the bar a liquor pen, ordered the new sign,
24:39watched a 60-year-old woman get dragged at 40 miles an hour
24:42across the Mediterranean on her back.
24:44You know, the usual.
24:49What we doing?
24:52Well, I'm lying in a Spanish bed,
24:53sweating cobs, trying to remember
24:55if we left the gas on.
24:56You know what I mean?
24:59Your mother wants to stay in Spain.
25:01We can't leave her on her own.
25:04Anyway, our Michael doesn't have to be back in school
25:06for another six weeks.
25:08Be nice to spend the summer here.
25:12What do you think?
25:14My honest opinion?
25:15Yeah.
25:17I think by then, the bar will have gone down the pan.
25:20We'll all realize that living in Spain
25:22is completely different from being on holiday here.
25:26We'll all have gone home and taken up where we left off.
25:29But if the business is a success,
25:33we'll spend each day kissed by the Spanish sun,
25:37live a more healthy, relaxed pace of life,
25:41and we'll all live happily ever after.
25:45You're still drunk, aren't you?
25:47Absolutely hammered.
26:00Ah, Mrs. Stewart, please, sit down.
26:06I've been expecting you.
26:08Oh, hiya. Nearly didn't see you there.
26:10What are you doing?
26:11Nothing.
26:12Are you all right?
26:13Yeah. Did you get your legs done?
26:15What are you doing?
26:17Just hanging around.
26:18I thought I'd be able to see you for a while.
26:21I'm not going anywhere.
26:23No, we're not going anywhere.
26:24We're going to a party.
26:25Oh, I'm so sorry to hear that.
26:27It's not like I'm going to have a party.
26:29It's not a party.
26:30It's a party.
26:31It's a party.
26:32It's a party.
26:33It's a party.
26:34It's a party.
26:35It's a party.
26:36It's a party.
26:37What do you think?
26:39I had a Brazilian instead.
26:43Is it sore?
26:45Put it this way, I won't be going for a jog before my tea tonight.
26:49Hey, you'll never guess who works in that salon.
26:51You remember Kerry Bentall?
26:53Very high fringe, no dress sense.
26:55Not really.
26:56Kerry Bentall.
26:57Got suspended for stabbing a cow on a field trip to Harrogate.
27:00Mental Bentall!
27:02Works in that salon.
27:03No!
27:04Yeah.
27:05What, you let her near your cat flaps with a tub of hot wax?
27:08She were brilliant.
27:09I got her number, she said she'd come out with us tonight.
27:12Look, she gave me this for you.
27:15Free back sack and crack?
27:17Thanks, just what I've always wanted.
27:20Or...
27:21Free eyebrow shape, no upper lip bleach?
27:24Thanks.
27:25Not the lips.
27:26Get your eyebrows done.
27:31What's wrong?
27:34Oh, God, forget about that dick.
27:37I talked to him while you were out.
27:39He told me he'd separated from his wife ages ago,
27:42but he couldn't afford to move out, that's why they still live together.
27:45He said he wanted to be with me.
27:47Said he'd love me.
27:49I said, OK, if you really love me, then let's live together.
27:53I'll move to Benidorm, I'll rent us a flat, I'll get a job here.
27:57I said, if you really love me, then you've got me.
28:02I'll start looking for a flat today.
28:06You know what he said?
28:09Nothing.
28:11He just looked like he was going to be sick.
28:14I felt so stupid, I just started to cry.
28:17And he just looked embarrassed.
28:19God, I'm such an idiot.
28:20I'm going to rip his balls off.
28:22Oh, don't, please, you're just going to make it worse.
28:25I'm going to go up to the room.
28:27Oh, Nat!
28:30Actually, why should I bother ripping your balls off?
28:39How can I help you?
28:41Have you seen a voucher anywhere? I think I left it here.
28:43For a free beauty treatment.
28:45No.
28:46I'm sure I left it here. It's worth, like, 40 euro.
28:49No.
28:50OK. Well, if you see it, will you give it back to me?
28:53It has to be used by eight o'clock tonight.
28:55OK, no problem.
29:00DOORBELL RINGS
29:15Hiya, Kerry. Sam Wood.
29:18Hiya.
29:19Listen, I need you to do me a favour.
29:23I'm awfully sorry, but I can't understand a word you're saying.
29:29One finds oneself wanting to make an effort with the language,
29:32but one rarely finds the time.
29:35Now, where were we?
29:38My husband, Mr Stewart.
29:41Ah, yes. Yes.
29:44As much as I'd like to help you, I'm afraid running naked
29:48down the Avenida del Mediterraneo,
29:50waving a blow-up sheep and shouting,
29:52''Up the arsenal!'' is not the kind of behaviour we condone.
29:56I'm afraid your husband will have to serve his six-days prison sentence
30:00without any intervention from the consulate.
30:02Donald Stewart.
30:06Oh, I beg your pardon.
30:08Donald Stewart.
30:10Ah, yes.
30:12The clothes on the beach.
30:14I'm sorry, but your husband appears to have been missing
30:18barely 24 hours, Mrs Stewart.
30:21The Spanish police will no doubt snap into action
30:23within the next month or two,
30:25but I'm afraid we can't begin any investigation
30:27until at least 48 hours have passed.
30:30This is, of course, Benidorm.
30:3248 hours missing here is merely a night out.
30:35So, I don't understand why he has to say that.
30:38Ah, yes. Well, of course, that brings me to the point.
30:42Ah, yes. Well, of course, that brings us to a...
30:45slightly delicate matter.
30:47Yesterday morning, when you reported your husband missing,
30:50we sent a chap out to, er...
30:52well, see how you were coping.
30:54Jacqueline has been amazing.
30:56Kenneth and I spent most of yesterday comforting her.
30:59Yes.
31:12Now, look, what are you trying to say?
31:15Donald had a terminal illness.
31:17He's killed himself and this woman is in bits.
31:20There is a perfectly reasonable explanation for this photograph
31:23and I think you're bang out of order.
31:25Would you mind awfully if I asked you to be quiet?
31:30Sorry.
31:31I hate to be the one to point the finger of suspicion,
31:34but there have been an appalling spate
31:36of false insurance claims over the last few years.
31:39I blame that couple with the canoe.
31:41Are you trying to say that Donald faked his own death?
31:44Lots of quietness in very large amounts.
31:48Please.
31:50What goes on between yourself and your insurance company
31:53is naturally your own business,
31:55but the police have so much paperwork to get on with between fiestas.
31:59If we don't nip this kind of thing in the bud,
32:01they end up beating us over the head with a big Spanish stick.
32:06Not literally, of course.
32:08This picture looks like we're having fun,
32:11but grief affects people in different ways.
32:14Donald had three months to live
32:17and half of me is thankful his final day on Earth
32:21was spent on a sunny beach in a place he held close to his heart
32:26rather than lying in a hospital bed.
32:29Then there's the other half of me
32:32that's absolutely furious with him for leaving me on my own.
32:36Then there's the other half of me,
32:40the half that is going to miss him so much
32:45that I'm not sure I want to carry on living myself.
32:51Oh, dear. I hope you're to have upset you.
32:55Well, um...
32:57I think everything is in order here.
33:02Can we go now?
33:04But of course.
33:07Do let me know if I can be of any further assistance.
33:12Ah.
33:16The Fonso brother.
33:19The Fonso brother.
33:22Ah.
33:26The Fonso brother.
33:29The Fonso brother.
33:51The Fonso brother.
34:06Do you know if I had a dog with a face as miserable as yours,
34:09I'd shave its arse and teach it to walk backwards.
34:12Oh, just go away.
34:14All right. Keep your ear.
34:17Shall's got a point.
34:19Roy!
34:23Oh, I've missed you so much.
34:25Lee, don't get upset.
34:27I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
34:29How are you?
34:31I wish you'd let me stay. I wanted to be there for you.
34:35Has it been hell?
34:37I don't know how to explain it.
34:39What do you say to a dying man you last saw when you were six?
34:43Whether he's your father or not.
34:46I'd like to say we made our peace, but we didn't really.
34:49I tried to talk to him about him and me mam, about why he left us,
34:52but he wasn't interested.
34:54He just kept saying,
34:56I have 100 reasons why I have not been there for you.
34:59When you are in business, you will understand.
35:02I told him I had a business.
35:04I said I run a very successful business with my partner.
35:07Of course, by then he'd always moved on to something else.
35:10So why does he want to see you?
35:12That's what I kept wondering.
35:14It's because he had nobody else and he didn't want to die on his own.
35:17Oh, my goodness.
35:19Of course, I wasn't there.
35:21I mean, when he did actually die, I wasn't with him.
35:23I'd gone out to move the car so I didn't get a ticket.
35:26His last words to me were,
35:28I've had the wrong teeth in for four days.
35:32When they were clearing out his stuff in the hospital,
35:34there was a box with my name on it.
35:36I opened it up and inside it were keys.
35:39Bunches and bunches of house keys.
35:42Turns out he was one of the most successful landlords in Derby.
35:45Never used a letting agent, did it all himself.
35:47Collected all the rents, did all the repairs, maintenance the lot.
35:50God forbid he should give any of the profits to somebody else.
35:53Anyway, turns out, in his will, he left everything to me.
35:58Well, it was about £400,000 in savings
36:04and, of course, all the houses.
36:06Exactly 100 of them.
36:09So, what's been happening here?
36:13I, er... Erm...
36:16It's all right. You can tell us later.
36:19Come on.
36:21I think we both need a drink.
36:31Argh! Please, no more!
36:34Shh, shh, shh!
36:38Oh, man!
36:44What is your problem? My cojones are on fire!
36:51Excuse me, where are my clothes?
36:54Hello?
36:56Hablas español?
37:01I need to shower. Can I have a towel, please?
37:08Please bring my clothes.
37:15Joder, puta!
37:17What are you doing?
37:19Open this door! Open this door!
37:22Shit! Shit! Shit!
37:26Hey! Come here!
37:39MUSIC PLAYS
38:01How's it all going? Yeah, really good.
38:03Not all free sangria, is it?
38:05No, we're checking about 200 euros.
38:07We've been doing that for the first couple of hours.
38:10Sorry, Mum, can I get to the bar?
38:12Have you got your wristband? No.
38:14Of course she can, darling.
38:19You're doing well, lad. You keep that up, you might get a regular gig.
38:23Thanks, Madge.
38:27There you go.
38:31What have I told you about that raspberry?
38:34Don't enjoy your holiday if you're constantly fretting about stuff.
38:38It's over. What?
38:40He didn't show up at court.
38:42What does that mean?
38:44It means I get everything.
38:46My money, my investment in all the property, everything.
38:50I get my life back.
38:52Oh, lovely.
38:54Hey, if you're quid's in, you know what that means?
38:58What? We can afford to come back here.
39:02Together again next year.
39:13How you doing?
39:15I miss him.
39:18Yeah, I know you do.
39:20Do you think Gavin and Troy will come over?
39:23No. I think they might be having an early night.
39:26Will you be going home now, then?
39:28I mean, you were using Troy's place on the holiday, weren't you?
39:31Yeah, no, I wanted to stay,
39:33but someone's got to go back and take care of their business.
39:36I'll definitely be back, though.
39:38I think I've caught the Benidorm bug.
39:40Oh, Donald had that last year.
39:42You need to get some lotion from the chemist.
39:45It'll clear up in 48 hours.
39:48Do you think he'll be all right?
39:50Who?
39:51Matteo.
39:53Er, I think you're mistaking me for someone who gives a shit.
39:56Yeah, yeah, all right.
39:58You liked him, didn't you?
40:00Not really.
40:02It's a bad boy thing, innit?
40:04I mean, who wants a wet, boring, spineless, predictable mummy's boy?
40:08Hiya.
40:09I thought it was you.
40:11Saw all your hair and I saw your face and I thought, I bet that's them.
40:14Thought you were going home today?
40:16No. Staying here.
40:18In Spain. With me dad.
40:21Do you want to come out with us tonight?
40:26Yeah. Why not?
40:28We've both given up on men, so we may as well come out for a laugh.
40:31Aw, don't be so hard on yourself.
40:34We're going up to one of them tranny bars in the old town.
40:39I think you'll do really well.
40:41I'll see yous later.
40:46LAUGHTER
40:48Can I have your attention, please?
40:51Your attention, please.
40:56I'd like to say a few words, Janice.
41:02I want to thank everybody for your support in this new business venture.
41:08Although it's not just that.
41:10It's a new way of life.
41:13When I first moved to Spain with my husband Mel,
41:16we had a dream.
41:18A dream we'd live happily ever after.
41:22And we got close.
41:25We got so close.
41:28I miss my husband more with each passing day.
41:31We had our good times and our not-so-good times.
41:35But as I stand here, in front of this tiny run-down bar,
41:40I know just how proud he would have been that I've done it all on my own.
41:47Janice McMichael.
41:50Janice McMichael.
41:53I know sometimes you think I take you all for granted,
41:56and I suppose I do from time to time.
41:59But I need you all to know one thing.
42:03I love you.
42:05And seeing you standing here beside me as I enter this new chapter in my life,
42:10I'm well aware of just how much you must love me.
42:14So, please, raise your glasses and toast my wonderful family.
42:21And the finest man I ever knew.
42:25My husband.
42:27My soulmate.
42:31My Mel.
42:33Mel!
42:36Why would you do if I say out of tune?
42:42Would you stand up and walk out on me?
42:46Well, I'm gonna
42:48I will help my friend
42:51Well, I'm gonna give my
42:53I will help my friend
42:56Well, tell me, tell me, tell me, tell me
43:12Hello.
43:30I checked into the hotel.
43:33Got your note.
43:35Oh, it's been so difficult not to ring you, Donald.
43:39we've got to be careful. What a brilliant disguise, by the way. That suits you. It's
43:48really slimming.
43:50Jekylline!
43:51I've been looking for you all morning.
44:00I missed the first ferry, then I couldn't find the hotel. And then a man on the train
44:07offered me six camels to sleep with him.
44:10Oh, my goodness.
44:11I know. I hadn't a clue how he was going to get them to us.
44:15But you weren't followed?
44:17No, of course I weren't.
44:19And everyone at the Solana bought the story, the terminal illness?
44:22Oh, yeah. I had to meet with the British consul, who at the beginning had a suspicion it might
44:29be an insurance scam. But I managed to convince him we'd all seen the last of you. All my
44:36training with the Middlesbrough Swingers Association drama group paid off.
44:41Yes, I knew all those years under Gordon Stanislavski would be worth it.
44:46Yeah, and the acting lessons came in handy, too.
44:51Shukran!
44:52So, I've been over the insurance policy with a fine tooth comb, and all we need to do is
44:59sit tight here for six months, and then because of the terminal illness clause, they'll pay
45:04out. No further questions asked.
45:06And then we can go back to Benidorm.
45:08And live in very low-profile paradise for the rest of our lives, 500,000 pounds richer.
45:15Do you know, if I'm absolutely honest, I didn't think we'd pull this off.
45:20As I told you when we decided to go ahead with this, absolutely nothing can go wrong.
45:26A new beginning.
45:27A new beginning.
45:30Somehow, I think not.
46:00Somehow, I think not.
46:30Somehow, I think not.
46:33Somehow, I think not.