According to Jim
  • 4 months ago
Transcript
00:00For more information, visit www.fema.gov
00:30For more information, visit www.fema.gov
01:01Oh, hello.
01:05What do you mean, oh?
01:07I didn't mean oh, I just meant hello.
01:09Hello.
01:11You don't remember anything from last night, do you?
01:14No, but I wish I did.
01:16You're so funny.
01:18I bet you don't even remember my name.
01:20Of course I know your name.
01:25Silly.
01:26Go on then, what is it?
01:28Your name is...
01:32..not Gwen?
01:34That's right, Martin.
01:36My name is not Gwen.
01:40Sorry, I know this appears awfully rude,
01:43I just haven't woken up properly yet.
01:46Neither have I, but I remember your name's Martin.
01:49You've been here for a couple of days with your friends
01:52before you go to your villa in Mercia.
01:54Do you have to go?
01:55My mum and dad will be wondering where I am.
01:57You're on holiday with your mum and dad?
01:59Yeah, come and say hello to them
02:01and by then you might have remembered to wish me a happy birthday.
02:05It's your birthday? Today?
02:07Oh, my goodness, happy birthday.
02:12You sure you don't want to stay in bed for a bit longer?
02:15I'd better go.
02:17It's not every day a girl turns 16.
02:19Well, happy birth... What?!
02:21Oh, my God, oh, my God, oh, my God!
02:25Well, that's the last of the sand.
02:27Any more and the Levante Beach will be borrowing bags of it from us.
02:31It's wonderful, isn't it?
02:33Hmm.
02:35What's wrong with you?
02:37Well, if people want the beach, they can gant the beach.
02:41I don't see the point of it, to be honest.
02:43And that, Leslie, is why your staff and I are management.
02:46To get ahead of the field, one has to have a vision
02:49for the ever-changing face of the all-inclusive.
02:52Talking about the ever-changing face, is everything all right?
02:55What do you mean?
02:56Well, I don't want to sound rude,
02:58but you look like you've had a fight with your make-up bag and lost.
03:01I had a slight reaction to some medication I took last night.
03:05Ah, see, that's why you've trolled it on.
03:09I tend to think less is more when it comes to foundation.
03:13Thank you, Leslie, but do I look like I need make-up tips
03:16from an ageing drag queen?
03:18Oh, see, I'm sorry.
03:20I didn't realise that was the look you were going for.
03:22What's going on here?
03:24Welcome to the Solana Beach Bedidor?
03:26That's not a beach, it's a builder's yard.
03:29Well, it's not quite finished yet.
03:31Do you want us to set up a sunbed and a table on it for you?
03:34No, I don't.
03:35Food here's bad enough without getting a gob full of sand in it.
03:38Get out of my way.
03:42I think the ever-changing face of the all-inclusive could do with a lift.
03:46I meant that one.
04:09Hey.
04:10Good luck trying to leave.
04:12The police have got this place.
04:14Good luck trying to leave.
04:15The police have got this place surrounded.
04:17What? Oh, my God, I had no idea how old she was.
04:20Please, you've got to believe me.
04:22What?
04:23I can't go to prison. I wouldn't last a day.
04:25Locked up like a caged animal, being disowned by my family,
04:28getting raped in the showers by Mr Bean.
04:31Whoa, whoa, calm down, pal. It was a joke.
04:33What?
04:34I was just checking the mickey because of the way you were creeping about.
04:37The police aren't outside?
04:38No. Well, I didn't see any.
04:40Oh, thank God. Thank God.
04:44I shouldn't be here. I've made a terrible misjudgment.
04:47Yeah. We were thinking about Tenerife this year,
04:50but it's probably no better once you're there.
04:52No, no, no, I mean something has happened here.
04:54Oh, my God, there she is.
04:56And that must be her father.
04:58You're not mixed up with that lot, are you?
05:00Why?
05:01Just give the one in the glasses a wide berth.
05:03Absolute nutcase.
05:05Oh, God.
05:08Please, you have to help me.
05:11I think this man is going to hurt me.
05:13Do you want me to call you an ambulance?
05:15I'm Clive Dyke, Bianca's father.
05:17Mr Clive, I'm sorry, I didn't know your daughter was a Dyke.
05:19What?
05:20Mr Dyke, I'm sorry, I didn't know your Clive was a miner.
05:23I mean...
05:24I'll call the ambulance now, Jess.
05:26I'm not a miner. I'm a builder.
05:28Listen, Bianca said that I should have a word with you.
05:32She did?
05:33Yeah.
05:34Are you feeling all right?
05:35Not really, no.
05:37We'll be round the pool.
05:39If I don't see you this morning, well, it's a small place,
05:43I'm sure I'll find you.
05:46I understand.
05:54I think he likes you.
06:05Right, Maureen, that's you done.
06:08As long as you're no longer under that dryer,
06:10there'll be nothing left of you.
06:13Oh, bless.
06:18I'm every woman, it's all in me.
06:22Well, it was last night.
06:24I tell you, that old town is filthy.
06:26Shh!
06:27Is that Maureen?
06:28Yeah.
06:29She fell asleep.
06:31Maureen?
06:34Maureen?
06:35I'll wake her.
06:38How long's she been like that?
06:39She's been under the dryer about half an hour.
06:41I'll wake her up in a few minutes.
06:44She looks so peaceful.
06:46Yeah, a bit too peaceful.
06:48What do you mean?
06:49What do you think I mean?
06:50I don't know.
06:51Well, let's look at the evidence.
06:53We have a pensioner under an electric dryer.
06:55She's not moving, her eyes are closed and she's not responding to her name.
06:58And from where I'm standing, I can't see any signs of breathing.
07:01What are you trying to say?
07:02Oh, for God's sake, what do you want?
07:04Why are you standing here with a rectal thermometer?
07:06The woman's dead.
07:07What?
07:08Look at her!
07:13Oh, my goodness!
07:15That's that mirror.
07:16Why? If she's dead, she's not going to care what her hair looks like.
07:19To put over her mouth, you dickhead, to see if she's breathing.
07:22Oh.
07:26Oh!
07:28What do you want?
07:29I want to speak to you.
07:30Get out with the clothes!
07:31They're not clothes, you've got a customer.
07:33That is Liam's grandmother.
07:41Now!
07:42Don't leave me in there with her!
07:44What's wrong with you?
07:45Liam and his grandmother, they don't get on.
07:47What are we going to do?
07:48Shut up!
07:49Now, there's your row.
07:51Go and play it on the machines.
07:53What machines?
07:54Just go.
07:55Oh, he is such a perfectionist.
07:57I mean, his granny's hair is so delicate, it's like spun gold.
08:01I mean, he's done his best, but she's dead and lifeless.
08:04No, the hair, I mean, the hair is dead and lifeless.
08:08I was looking for Mateo.
08:10I need him to set up the beach volleyball near the pool.
08:13Oh, yeah, we saw the sand being delivered last night.
08:16I assumed it was to go with the cement.
08:18You're obviously keeping your make-up, bro.
08:20Most amusing.
08:23José, love, large Zambuca, por favor.
08:32Anything interesting?
08:34It's Gay Derek.
08:36Oh, tell him bottoms up for me.
08:40Nine Down?
08:42Who is the Greek god of music?
08:45Now, I know it's Demis Roussos, but for some reason it doesn't fit.
08:50Apparently, Big Donna's last wish
08:53was to have her ashes scattered here in Benidorm.
08:56Aw, shame she didn't die young.
08:59Aw, shame she didn't die a couple of weeks earlier.
09:02We could have brought them.
09:04Derek says the Middlesbrough Swingers Association coffers
09:07don't run to one of them flying out with the remains,
09:10so he's asking if he can post them to us at the Solana.
09:14Oh, yeah, I could do that, no bother.
09:16Except there's rather a lot of ashes.
09:19Well, there was rather a lot of damage.
09:22And it's still going to cost more than £80 to send them express delivery.
09:26Oh, heck.
09:28Can't they just send a couple of legs?
09:31We'll pay for it.
09:33What? Donna was one of the best.
09:35It's the least we can do.
09:37Well, if you really think so.
09:39Oh, yes.
09:41What a wonderful gesture, Donald.
09:43Do you know what?
09:45I love the fact that after all these years together,
09:48you can still surprise me.
09:50Plus, I've still got Donna's leather bask
09:53that I borrowed to wear at the MSA Christmas cookout.
09:56It's worth £100, so I'm still 20 up on the deal.
10:00Oh, lovely.
10:02Hey, you have to move from here.
10:05Oh, we've only just got here.
10:07We are making a volleyball competition.
10:09Volleyball, you say?
10:11Put us down, Mr and Mrs Stewart.
10:13You play volleyball?
10:15Well, Middlesbrough mix doubles champions 1978 to 1986.
10:23Wow.
10:24Jacqueline, I think it's time to pull on some lycra.
10:28Oh, yes!
10:35What are they doing now?
10:37Typical. They made a piss-poor attempt at making a beach.
10:40Now they're going to play tennis on it so people can't even sunbathe.
10:44It's a very high net for tennis.
10:46That woman running this place is about as much use
10:49as a one-legged man in an arse-kicking competition.
10:52Volleyball.
10:53You what?
10:54It's not for tennis, it's volleyball.
10:56Did you not watch our team in the Olympics?
10:58I know someone who did.
10:59Five days you rang in sick to watch women's volleyball.
11:02It's a shame a few more people aren't patriotic like me.
11:05What does patriotic mean?
11:06It means watching the telly with the curtains shut and the door locked.
11:10Right, I'm off to play volleyball.
11:13Hey, I'll be on your team, son.
11:15No, you're all right, I'm going to ask Tiger.
11:17You're not going to let him hang around with that hooligan, are you?
11:21Tiger's not a hooligan, he's our Michael's friend.
11:24I was talking about our Michael.
11:31What are we going to do?
11:33We can't just leave her in there.
11:35Shh! I'm thinking.
11:38Dead bodies start to smell after a bit.
11:41That's the Maureen we're talking about.
11:43Lives alone with her six cats on the Benidorm caravan park.
11:46Didn't exactly smell like Chanel No. 5 to start with.
11:49More like English Channel No. 2.
11:52I hope you've paid for those drinks.
11:55I am a very successful entrepreneur.
11:57Of course I've paid for them.
11:59Yes, just think how much more successful you'd be
12:02if your salon was ever open.
12:04We operate a strict closed-door policy.
12:07We have a very exclusive client list,
12:09who often require total anonymity.
12:11What?!
12:12I don't call Sticky Vicky and the clown from the Benidorm Circus
12:15an exclusive client list.
12:17We are not at liberty to discuss our clientele.
12:20Exactly.
12:21Suffice to say, we are only 40 minutes away
12:23from the Alicante Film Studios.
12:26I can say nothing more.
12:30You've had film stars in your salon?
12:35Who?
12:36We've already said too much.
12:39All I can say is,
12:41have you ever seen the James Bond films?
12:45Of course I have.
12:46Well...
12:47Well, the only clue I can give you is...
12:52Erm...
12:54More, more, more.
12:55More, more, more.
12:56Roger Moore...
12:57Roger Moore isn't a woman.
13:03I can't hear you.
13:07I still can't hear you.
13:09Judy.
13:10Judy who?
13:11Oh, for heaven's sake, Judy Dench.
13:12What is wrong with you?!
13:13I'm sorry.
13:14Do you want to completely ruin our client confidentiality?
13:16No, I don't.
13:19Listen, you can rely on me.
13:21My late father was a handyman to the stars.
13:25He once erected an African thatch gazebo for Bernard Manning.
13:30And I've kept that mum for nearly 40 years.
13:34So, you know your secret is safe with me.
13:40Great.
13:41Please give our special guest my very best wishes.
13:50Will do.
13:59I don't mean to spoil your fun,
14:00but we still have a dead pensioner's corpse rotting under one of our dryers.
14:04Oh, there.
14:05Another round, love.
14:21Hello. I need a drink.
14:22That's why I'm here.
14:23What can I get you?
14:24Something short and strong.
14:26How about an angry dwarf?
14:28Very funny. Just give me a drink, please.
14:29Oh!
14:31An angry dwarf?
14:33It's a shot.
14:35Oh, I'm sorry. Yes, yes, that'll be fine.
14:39Friends not with you?
14:40No, they're only here for the weekend.
14:42I'm travelling on somewhere else tomorrow.
14:48Dear God, what is that?
14:50I told you, it's an angry dwarf.
14:52No, what's in it?
14:54Oh, I can't feel my mouth.
14:56Yeah, it's good stuff. You want another?
15:03Everything OK?
15:06I've done something terrible.
15:10And now I have to face the music.
15:14That wasn't you singing the frog chorus on the karaoke last night, was it?
15:17No.
15:18Well, you can always have a crack at it tonight, you know.
15:20It's a karaoke competition.
15:21Some people may call me a monster.
15:24Others may do worse.
15:26But I will never be accused of being a coward.
15:30The coward of the county, Kenny Rogers.
15:32Brilliant, I'll put you down for that one.
15:35Everyone considered him the coward of the county.
15:43Hello.
15:44I thought you'd done a runner.
15:46It's Martin, isn't it?
15:48Ah, yes.
15:49Yes, it is.
15:50Sit down.
15:54I'm Tonya, Bianca's mother.
15:56Hello.
15:58Now, you know why I want to talk to you, don't you?
16:01Yes.
16:02Yes, sir, I do.
16:04Good.
16:05Because Bianca's told me basically what you've done.
16:08But I was wondering whether you'd be willing to go into details.
16:11What?
16:12Unless you'd prefer not to.
16:14I'm not proud of what I've done.
16:16You're not?
16:17No, I'm not.
16:18And I know it's no excuse, but I was very drunk at the time,
16:21and I can barely remember what happened.
16:23So you have regrets about the whole thing?
16:25Of course I have regrets.
16:27My life is in tatters.
16:29I think I've got an idea what you're going through.
16:32Really?
16:33Yeah.
16:34My business partner always had a fantasy about doing it,
16:39and then the opportunity presented itself,
16:41but he pulled out right at the last minute
16:44because he realised the whole thing was illegal.
16:47How can you talk to her calmly about this?
16:50Do you think you'll need a solicitor?
16:53That's entirely down to you.
16:55What's that got to do with us? It's your villa.
16:59I beg your pardon?
17:01How would we know if you need a solicitor?
17:04Look, I've built more houses than you've had hot dinners,
17:07but I don't know a thing about building in Spain.
17:10You wanted to ask me about building a house in Spain?
17:13Well, Bianca said that you'd done it and you wouldn't mind having a chat.
17:17What did you think I was talking about?
17:19Drinks, anyone?
17:22Yeah, go on, then. I'll have one.
17:24Yeah, same again.
17:25Do you want to give me a hand, Martin?
17:27Yes.
17:31What was all that about?
17:33I've no idea. The man is completely deranged.
17:37Well, you'll get on well.
17:41What was all that about?
17:42You told me you were 16. What?
17:44When you left the room, you said,
17:45aren't you going to wish me happy birthday?
17:47It's not every day a girl turns 16.
17:49It was a joke. Do I look 16?
17:51I don't know, but... I don't know.
17:53I was very confused.
17:56Did you tell them we, er...
17:58No, I didn't. It's none of their business.
18:00My dad was talking about Spanish property
18:02and I said you built your own villa.
18:04Oh, my God.
18:06Now your parents think I'm some kind of pervert.
18:09Are you saying you're not?
18:11No. I may be many things, but I'm not a pervert.
18:15Can I get you a tall drink?
18:16A pint of lager, Bacardi and Coke, Diet Coke and...
18:20Water, please. Still water.
18:22That's all you're having?
18:23Yes, I feel very sick.
18:25Oh, that'll be them angry dwarves you were guzzling earlier.
18:31It's a drink.
18:32I bet that you look good on the dance floor
18:35I don't know if you're looking for romance
18:37Or I don't know what you're looking for
18:41I said I bet that you look good on the dance floor
18:45Hey, hey, hey! Guys!
18:48Gracias!
18:49Hey, you're real good.
18:51You're not too bad yourself.
18:53Excuse me, boss.
18:54Don't suppose you've got a book going on
18:56this volleyball competition, have you?
18:58We have no books. This is a holiday resort, not a library.
19:01Not a reading book, a gambling book.
19:03Are you taking bets?
19:05Yeah, of course.
19:06Are you a team?
19:07Yeah.
19:08I give you two to one.
19:10You're joking.
19:11Have you seen this skinny runt?
19:13He can hardly lift his hands above his head.
19:15Oh, thanks.
19:16You can give us better odds than that.
19:18Two to one. Leave it or take it.
19:21Give us 50.
19:23Come on!
19:26100 euros at two to one.
19:29If we win, we get 200 euros plus a 100 euro stake back.
19:33I cannot take this. The bet is too large.
19:36You wimping out on us?
19:38Oh, my God.
19:41Oh, there.
19:42Are you playing your fancy dress?
19:44Fancy dress, my friend? Anti-gravity boots.
19:47Unless they're against the rules.
19:52Oh, there are no rules.
19:53You are playing these two guys here.
19:55Wait a minute. This ain't fair.
19:57I want my money back.
19:58I'm sorry.
19:59Once a bet has been placed, money cannot be returned
20:02until you have played.
20:04Thank you for your business.
20:15I've got it.
20:17Right, we borrow a mobility scooter,
20:20we pop her on it in a big hat,
20:22we drive her across the road and we sit her at the bus stop.
20:25And then what?
20:26And then we leave her there.
20:28We can't do that.
20:29Have you got a better idea?
20:30Can we not just say she died in the salon?
20:32It wasn't our fault.
20:33Oh, yeah. Great idea.
20:35Come to Blow and Go,
20:36the only salon where you can choose
20:38which dead pensioner you'd like to sit next to.
20:41Right, you go and wait in there
20:43and I'll go and snaffle the scooter.
20:45I'm not sitting in there with a dead body.
20:47Shh! Keep your voice down.
20:49Do you want to ruin me? Stupid boy.
20:51I'll be back in a minute.
20:53No.
20:55If everybody had a nose
20:57If you were from across the USA
21:00Then everybody'd be serving
21:03like California A's
21:06You'd say...
21:07The score is 21 to 6.
21:10How's it fair when they've got a nose?
21:12I don't know.
21:13I think if they had a nose,
21:15they'd be going,
21:16I don't know.
21:17I don't know.
21:18I don't know.
21:19I don't know.
21:20I don't know.
21:21I don't know.
21:22I don't know.
21:23How's it fair when they've got them big bouncy shoes on?
21:26Did you make the rules?
21:27No.
21:28So be quiet.
21:29Smash him in the face, Nick.
21:30Now what's that gonna solve?
21:31Oh, sorry, I forgot it's not just your teeth that are yellow.
21:34Just leave it, they're paired off yet.
21:36I'll tell you who will smash him in the face in a minute.
21:38I said, pack it in!
21:40Will you all just shut up? We're trying to concentrate.
21:43Come on, son!
21:43Come on, Michael.
21:44Come on.
21:44Come on, you can do it!
21:45🎵Side by side, U.S.A.🎵
21:46🎵And down the mini way🎵
21:48🎵Side by side🎵
21:49🎵Everybody, side by side🎵
21:52🎵Surfing U.S.A.🎵
22:10Sorry.
22:11No, no, use our head power, bro.
22:14They're absolutely creaming us.
22:16Not the best choice of words with those two, but I know what you mean.
22:19It's only a game, Michael.
22:21Yeah, yeah, it's only a game, son.
22:23It's not, though.
22:26Me and Tiger bet all our holiday money on us to win.
22:29You've got to be joking!
22:30Well, who did you bet with?
22:31The barman.
22:33🎵Side by side, U.S.A.🎵
22:34🎵Everybody, side by side🎵
22:36🎵Surfing U.S.A.🎵
22:37🎵Everybody, side by side🎵
22:39🎵Surfing U.S.A.🎵
22:40🎵Everybody, side by side🎵
22:41🎵Surfing U.S.A.🎵
22:42Uh, excuse me.
22:44Can I help you?
22:47I was just wondering if there's any chance of saying hello to the dame.
22:51What dame?
22:52Dame Judy.
22:54Oh, oh, no, no, no.
22:55She's gone now.
22:57No, she isn't.
22:58I've just seen her slippers.
22:59Well, she doesn't like being bothered by the public.
23:01That's why she comes to us.
23:04I completely understand.
23:05But believe me, discretion runs in my family.
23:07My father once spent a year rebuilding Huey Green's swimming pool.
23:12But I never heard him breathe a word about it in public.
23:15As Huey always said,
23:17you can't do laps in a teardrop-shaped pool.
23:21I have no idea what you're talking about.
23:22Just a quick picture.
23:24No.
23:24Spoilsport.
23:25Hang on, hang on, hang on a minute.
23:28Please.
23:29I could possibly get you in for a quick hello.
23:33But there are certain protocol when it comes to celebrities.
23:37Oh, please.
23:38I have had Christmas dinner with Kenny Lynch.
23:41Oh, um, so, so imagine...
23:47Imagine I'm Dame Judy.
23:49You come in.
23:50And what do you say?
23:52Uh, welcome to the Solana, Dame Judy.
23:55Uh, not, not, not bad.
23:57I think a small curtsy might be in order.
24:00A curtsy? She's not the Queen.
24:02No, but she, she once played the Queen.
24:04Um, good evening, Dame Judy.
24:07Yes, yes.
24:10I think Dame Judy would be very pleased.
24:12Well, let's go, because I have got a hotel to run.
24:16Oh.
24:20Where is she?
24:22Who?
24:22Dame Judy.
24:24Oh, you've just missed her.
24:25You're joking.
24:26I've got changed and everything.
24:28But we do have another celebrity coming in next week.
24:31Who is it?
24:32It's, um...
24:34Oh, let me think.
24:36Madonna!
24:39Madonna.
24:41You are joking.
24:42Strictly entree, no.
24:44Oh.
24:46I'll make sure there's fresh flowers in reception every day.
24:50Oh.
24:52Madonna!
24:54I panicked. We could always get a lucky likey.
24:56I don't think Lesley with her hair in her top, not an ice cream cone,
24:59it's Fatitti's going to cut the mustard.
25:01Oh, silly boy.
25:10OK, this is the match point.
25:12Donald and Jacqueline to serve.
25:15Come on, son, you can win this.
25:17What do you mean, you can win this?
25:19What do you mean, you can win this?
25:21We're 19 points behind.
25:24Go on, Donald and Jacqueline.
25:27Bravo.
25:28What are you doing? He wasn't ready.
25:31Oi, come on, play that point again.
25:34That's not fair!
25:41Hang on a minute.
25:43What's the matter, Mother?
25:45Where's me scooter?
25:50I'm not sure I've made a very good impression on your family.
25:54There's still time to make a better impression.
25:56How am I going to do that?
25:58By taking me out tonight.
25:59You want to go to the karaoke competition?
26:01No, bleeding well don't.
26:03Last night you said we're a good match
26:05because we both appreciate the finer things in life.
26:07Did I? I mean, yes, I did. I do.
26:10So where are you taking me?
26:12I'm not sure Benidorm has much to offer in the way of a glamorous evening.
26:15You'd better get your thinking cap on then.
26:18Oh, yes, where is me cap?
26:20I think I may have left it on the bar.
26:26That was a complete washout. Cheating bastards.
26:29How much money did you lose?
26:31It doesn't matter.
26:33I never asked you if it mattered, I asked you how much.
26:36How much? More than 50?
26:38A hundred.
26:39A hundred euros? He saw you coming.
26:42I'll bet they're running it. That barman and that freaky couple.
26:45Where's your chap?
26:47He's not my chap.
26:49He's at the bar.
26:51A bit wet behind the ears for someone his age,
26:54but sounds like he's got a few quid.
26:56I don't care if he's got a few quid or not.
26:58I said that about your father.
27:00Even I believed it at first.
27:04Don't worry, son, I'm going to get your money back.
27:07I've got more tricks up my sleeve than Paul Daniels.
27:09Who's Paul Daniels?
27:11In other words, as Baldrick would say, I have a cunning plan.
27:15Who's Baldrick?
27:17Forget it.
27:22Here you go, fella, shame again.
27:25Plus another bottle of water for yourself.
27:27Hey, you go steady on that stuff or you'll be getting out of hand.
27:32Mr and Mrs Stewart, looking very natty today.
27:35What can I get you?
27:37Thank you, Leslie, we're celebrating,
27:39so I think we'll go for the good stuff.
27:42Can you do two black rations?
27:44Aye, with a couple of hours' notice and a fag break between them.
27:48Very good.
27:50Are you sure we can't tempt you with something a little harder, Martin?
27:54I'm fine, thanks.
27:56Did your friends get off OK?
27:58Yes, fine, thank you.
28:00Shame there's so much more of Benidorm we could have shown them.
28:03I'm sure.
28:05I don't suppose you know of anywhere in Benidorm
28:07I can take a young lady for quite a sophisticated evening, do you?
28:14Sorry, I think that might have been a slightly misjudged question.
28:18No, hang on a minute, what about the casino?
28:21There's a casino? Oh, yes, just outside Benidorm.
28:24We've never been, but we hear it's quite the place.
28:28Donald and I don't gamble.
28:30We once lost £11 on a fruit machine in Billingham.
28:35Jacqueline, please, you'll trigger the flashbacks again.
28:39Casino? Yes, that sounds great, thanks.
28:43I'm sure there's a leaflet in reception.
28:46Here, you can borrow this.
28:48It's my lucky coin.
28:51How's it lucky?
28:53I found it the night I met Jacqueline.
28:57Surely there can't be any more luck left in this tiny coin after that.
29:02Have a good evening. Thanks, I will.
29:05Two black russets. Aw, thanks, Leslie.
29:08Now, shall we take these upstairs
29:11and slip into a little something even more uncomfortable?
29:14Oh, yes!
29:31Two drifters
29:34Off to see the world
29:37There's such a lot of world
29:41What is he doing? I don't know.
29:44It's not exactly Placido Flamenco, but he has never sounded as bad as this.
29:48This is embarrassing. I'm off for a wander.
29:50No, you're not. I'm not sitting here on my own.
29:53You're not on your own, she's here.
29:55She is going out with her fella.
29:57What time are you going, Princess?
29:59He's not my fella, I'm just having a night out.
30:01And listening to this, thank God.
30:03Ripper!
30:06Right, I think I've made him wait long enough.
30:09Don't do anything and make him think you're a slag.
30:12Oh, sorry, I didn't see what he was wearing.
30:17Anyone ever told you that you're really, really funny?
30:20Yeah, loads of people.
30:22They lied.
30:23See you later, Mama.
30:25Have a lovely time, Princess.
30:27Oh, great guy.
30:29What's she going out of that knob for?
30:31When I was your age, you know which man I lusted after.
30:34No, and please don't tell me.
30:36Jon Bon Jovi.
30:37I don't know who that is, I don't want to know.
30:39Oh, he had the most perfect lips.
30:41And his body...
30:43Oh, my God, his body.
30:44Please stop talking.
30:45And, of course, his voice.
30:46OK, that's not as bad, but just please wind it up.
30:48Oh, I wanted to marry Jon Bon Jovi.
30:51And then I met your father.
30:53But do you know the difference between your father and Jon Bon Jovi?
30:56From the way you've described him, they sound separated at birth.
31:00Jon Bon Jovi is what I wanted.
31:03And your father...
31:05..was what I needed.
31:08Think about that.
31:09I'll think about it, as long as you promise never to mention it again!
31:13Urgh!
31:15And...
31:18..free!
31:24MUSIC FADES
31:32Hello.
31:34Oh.
31:36You look radiant.
31:38Radiant? Isn't that what you say when somebody's pregnant?
31:41No, no, it means luminous, lustrous.
31:45Incandescent.
31:49Lovely. You... You look lovely.
31:52Right.
31:53So, where are we going?
31:55Aha!
31:56That is a surprise.
32:00MUSIC PLAYS
32:03Climb there with a fascinating rendition of Moon River.
32:07Well, if this were the X Factor,
32:09you'd certainly be in the judges' houses, mopping the floors.
32:13Now, our next competitor is Janice, singing Valerie,
32:17or should I say Val-o-ray?
32:19Where is she? Oh, here she is.
32:21Please give her a round of applause.
32:23Get me another drink and I'll need it after this.
32:26Come on, man. Come on, darling!
32:28APPLAUSE
32:35Well, sometimes I go out...
32:37What did you think? Shocking, weren't it?
32:39I've heard you do it better.
32:41I thought you'd got something trapped.
32:43Ah. All part of my plan.
32:46What plan?
32:47To get your money back.
32:49Now to deploy phase two.
32:52MUSIC PLAYS
32:57Oh, Michael, sort these songs out for me.
33:00I've never heard of any of them.
33:02No, don't you tell me no.
33:04I'll put you across my knee.
33:06Shut up. My mum's singing.
33:08MUSIC CONTINUES
33:11Nick, find me Spanish eyes.
33:13Me and Mel used to have lovely Spanish eyes.
33:16Can't you just wait till Janice is finished?
33:18No, cos I want to sing next.
33:20Well, you can't. You're going to put your name down and wait your turn.
33:23Will you both just shut up?
33:25Break the ladder, you...
33:28What the hell have you done that for?
33:30I didn't do anything.
33:32MUSIC CONTINUES
33:36Excuse me, mate, can I get you a...
33:38Mum, how did you get here?
33:40MUSIC CONTINUES
33:43MUSIC CONTINUES
33:56You make me feel so young
33:59You make me feel like spring has sprung
34:02Hockey! What's your poison?
34:07What would you like to drink?
34:09I'll have a champagne cocktail.
34:11Sounds great.
34:12You heard the lady.
34:14Two champagne cocktails.
34:21Have you ever been to a casino before?
34:23Only in Monte Carlo.
34:24You've been to Monte Carlo? Wow.
34:26Cool. Cool.
34:29Was that with a school trip or...?
34:31My ex-fiancée had an apartment there.
34:33Really? Goodness.
34:35Two champagne cocktails.
34:37Thank you. That's wonderful.
34:39I've got this voucher somewhere on my purse here.
34:45Yes, here it is.
34:47OK, I do believe this is valid for two drinks before 9pm.
34:53It is less than one minute before 9.
34:55Right. Just in the nick of.
34:57You're paying for our drinks with a voucher?
34:59Well, I'm trying to.
35:03Sorry, can you read that bit more quickly?
35:05It's just that, you know...
35:07Senor, this drinks voucher is valid for only two drinks...
35:13...with the exception of champagne.
35:15OK, well, these are champagne cocktails,
35:17not your champagne, but let's not spit heads.
35:19OK, Bianca, what other drink would you like?
35:22I want this drink.
35:23Yes, that's fine. I'll pay for these.
35:25But what drink will you want after that one?
35:27I don't know.
35:29Right, well, can you decide?
35:31Because if it's not champagne or a champagne-based drink,
35:34I may as well get it now, free.
35:37If you hurry up.
35:38I don't know what drink I'm going to want.
35:39Right, OK, fine. Two gin and tonic, please.
35:43Would Senor like to pay for these drinks first?
35:45No, I wouldn't.
35:46I mean, yes, I'm going to pay for them, obviously,
35:49but can I use the voucher for the other drinks first?
35:51Other drinks, no?
35:52Yeah, I just asked for two gin and tonic,
35:53which I want to pay for with the voucher.
35:55Come on, you're just stalling for time now.
35:57I am sorry, Senor, but this voucher is valid only before...
36:02...9 o'clock.
36:03Yes, thanks. Thanks a lot.
36:05Thanks a bunch, pal.
36:11Just these drinks, then, please.
36:13That will be 20 euros, please.
36:15No, I don't want the gin and tonics as well.
36:17I just want the champagne cocktails.
36:19That will be 20 euros, please, Senor.
36:29I will just get your change, Senor.
36:32Yes, if you would.
36:35Shall we get some chips?
36:36I'm not sure they do food.
36:38Gaming chips.
36:40Oh, right, yes, of course, yeah.
36:42I'm just waiting for my...
36:43Where's he gone?
36:45Oh, he's doing this.
36:46Hurts.
36:50OK, let's forget it.
36:52Forget about the change.
36:54You know, whatever. It's not a problem.
37:00Rubber ball, I come bouncing back to you
37:03Rubber ball, I come bouncing back to you
37:09Here he comes. You ready?
37:11Oh, ready.
37:13Excuse me, can we have some more drinks, please?
37:16Do you want the same again?
37:17No, I think this time we'll have...
37:19Oh, I've got it. What about this one?
37:21Near, far, wherever you are
37:27And you're here in my heart
37:31And my heart will go on
37:44Now, please, can I take your order before my ears start to bleed?
37:48Oh, yeah. I'll tell you what, we will have the same again.
37:52No problem.
37:53Listen, I wanted to talk to you about the money that my son lost with you today.
37:57Your son lost his money. This is the end of the story.
38:00A bet is a bet.
38:06What is going on?
38:07That was the set-up.
38:09Now we go in for the sting.
38:14Bouncing, bouncing, bouncing, bouncing, bouncing
38:18Bouncing, bouncing
38:23What is wrong with you?
38:25I can't stop thinking about poor Maureen.
38:27What, she's still out on the road?
38:29This may come across as a bit uncaring, but I couldn't give a shit.
38:32She's not our problem any more.
38:34How can you be so heartless?
38:35Practice.
38:39I can't help feeling we let her down.
38:41Oh, for God's sake, just forget about it. The woman's dead.
38:44It's not like she's going to lodge an official complaint, is it?
38:47Yes, look.
38:50Maureen!
38:51What?
38:52Help!
38:55I'm so sorry, boys. I didn't mean to startle you.
38:58I just wanted to pay for my shampoo and set.
39:00Your what?
39:01I must have fallen asleep in the salon.
39:03Twelve euros for a pensioner all the weekend, didn't it?
39:08Oh, do you know what's terrible? I'm getting so forgetful.
39:11I can't remember leaving.
39:13I knew I hadn't paid you because the money was still in my purse.
39:16Mind you, swings and roundabouts.
39:18I lost my mobility scooter last year, but it turned up again.
39:21Really?
39:22And it's no wonder I couldn't find it for so long,
39:24because I swore when I bought it, it was red.
39:28See you next week.
39:31Oh, my God, I shit myself!
39:42Did you get some chips?
39:43I certainly did.
39:45Woo-hoo!
39:47My grandma always used to say,
39:48two bites of the cherry is better than one.
39:50Red or black. Not cherries. I mean, I'm a rude lad.
39:54I really don't mind.
40:00So, tell me a little more about yourself.
40:02What do you want to know that I didn't tell you last night?
40:05Well, as you know, I did get a little bit tipsy last night, so...
40:10I don't know anything about you.
40:13I'm 23.
40:14A few.
40:15I'm a beauty therapist.
40:17Of course. Of course you are.
40:24Baka!
40:25Only one left. Red or black.
40:27You don't remember any of the conversations we had?
40:29Erm, not in the true sense of the word.
40:32So you don't remember inviting me to your villa tomorrow?
40:35No.
40:36In the true sense of the word.
40:37So you don't remember inviting me to your villa tomorrow?
40:41Oh, God. Red or black. Red or black.
40:46Sorry, you were saying?
40:48Your villa.
40:49Ah, erm, yeah, I have to check with my mother.
40:52Your mother?
40:53Yeah, it's my mother's villa. I'm going to visit her.
40:55She can be a little spiky with people she doesn't know.
40:57You said it was your villa.
40:59Did I? Oh, dear, I can get a little carried away.
41:02I blame the drink.
41:07Treinta y cinco negro.
41:09Yes!
41:10Oh, my God! I'm so sorry. Please let me help you up.
41:14Get off me! I said get off me!
41:16I'm sorry. How about I cash in and we grab a bite to eat?
41:19Cash in? You've won ten euros!
41:21You're so cute.
41:23Leave me alone. Do me a favour, Martin.
41:25Take your ten euros and go back to your mother where you belong.
41:28Bianca? Bianca!
41:36Oh, bumsticks.
41:46It's MP for Cartagena.
41:48I've been married a long time ago.
41:50Where did you come from, where did you go?
41:52Where did you come from, Cartagena?
41:57I'm very unlucky with Cartagena.
42:00Well, the competition is really hotting up.
42:03You're all rubbish, but there's a lot of you.
42:07Thing is, the way they won the volleyball just wasn't very fair.
42:11Nobody said anything about rules.
42:13As I told you, a bet is a bet.
42:15OK, what about one last bet?
42:19Do you want to play volleyball?
42:21No. We get our 100 euros back if my son wins the karaoke.
42:26And if he loses?
42:28You get another 100.
42:31But I'll make it 200 if your wife wins.
42:33OK.
42:36Wait a minute. Which one is your wife?
42:39OK, last on the karaoke, we have Tonya.
42:43Where are you, Tonya? Oh, there we are.
42:45The one that I've been sitting next to all night.
42:48Sorry if it's confusing.
42:50Then, my friend, you have a bet.
43:00What's your fancy? You look like the cat who's got the cream.
43:03Let's just say I have had a very, very lucky day.
43:10I don't want to talk
43:13About things we've gone through
43:17Though it's hurting me
43:21Now it's history
43:25I've played all my cards
43:29Excuse me. Señor.
43:32Would you like something else?
43:36What have you got?
43:38I could do with a life.
43:40How about some dignity?
43:43Or maybe even a little bit of luck.
43:47Señor, you're in a casino.
43:50There is only one winner here.
43:52You can say that again.
43:59I was in your arms
44:02Thinking I belonged there
44:06I figured it made sense
44:10Building me a fence
44:14Building me a home
44:18Thinking I'd be strong there
44:22But I was a fool
44:25Playing by the rules
44:29The gods made throw dice
44:33Their minds as cold as ice
44:37And someone's way down here
44:40Loses someone dear
44:44The winner takes it all
44:52The winner takes it all
44:59The winner takes it all
45:07Oh. My. God.
45:23Oh. My. God.
45:32Oh. Thank you!
45:52Oh. Thank you!