• 3 months ago
Transcript
00:00Music
00:30Good morning. Morning.
00:32Oh, good morning. You're both up very early.
00:34Oh, yes. Jacqueline and I are both early risers, aren't we?
00:38Oh, you certainly are.
00:41What do you do in the privacy of your own room?
00:44Oh, we're expecting quite a large package today.
00:48As I say, what you do in the privacy...
00:51Oh, I'm sorry. You mean a delivery?
00:54Yes. Do you know if it's arrived?
00:57Sorry, I'm not working today.
00:59You'll have to ask one of my extremely efficient members of staff.
01:02Don't worry, I'll ask this one.
01:04We're expecting a rather large package.
01:07I wonder if you could keep an eye open.
01:09Oh, I always do. It's Mr and Mrs Stewart, isn't it?
01:12It is.
01:13Don't you bother. I'll let you know when it's here.
01:15We think it's going to be an absolute whopper,
01:18so we may need a hand with it, if you know what I mean.
01:22Leave it to me. Many thanks.
01:25Is it just me, or does everything those two say
01:28sound like absolute filth?
01:30HE CHUCKLES
01:31Your car should be here in 15 minutes, Mr Temple Savage.
01:34Thank you, Les.
01:35Now, are you sure you're going to cope without me?
01:37Being the manager of this place, even for three days,
01:40is quite a responsibility, you know.
01:42Manageress, you mean?
01:44I just have to pick up me best wig from Blown Gore,
01:47do me make-up, people won't realise it's not you.
01:50How lovely that...
01:52I beg your pardon?
01:53I mean, the level of service and that.
01:56Oh, right.
01:58Now, don't forget, I've been told by head office
02:01to start looking for an assistant manager.
02:04Now is the time to impress.
02:06Assistant manager?
02:08Come on, get your skates on.
02:10Right.
02:11Erm, I was thinking about probably not using the rule of skates,
02:14to be honest.
02:15It's quite difficult to give someone a ticking off
02:17when you've fallen off with a tit.
02:19No, I meant hurry up.
02:21Oh, right, yes, right, on me way.
02:24And, er, Mrs Temple-Savage,
02:26I don't know where you're going on your little break,
02:28but whoever he is, he's a very lucky man.
02:31You look stunning.
02:33Well, one occasionally tries to make an effort.
02:44Sorry!
02:52HE SIGHS
02:54Are you getting up or what?
02:56I just want another half hour.
02:58I'm on holiday, for God's sake.
03:00It just seems a complete waste of time lying in bed
03:02when it's gorgeous sunshine out there.
03:04Tonya...
03:05I mean, it's not as if this is the last word in luxury in here.
03:07That bed could be used as medieval torture.
03:09Tonya...
03:10I realise you had a lot to drink last night,
03:12but why you would want to lie festering in that pit
03:14any longer than you have to is a complete mystery to...
03:16Tonya!
03:18Tonya!
03:22Turn out the light.
03:24Close the door on your way out.
03:29Oh, the bulb's gone.
03:31Good. Shall I tell the front desk?
03:34Clive?
03:36Clive? For God's sake!
03:38Will you leave me alone?!
03:42HE SIGHS
03:44DOOR SLAMS SHUT
03:46Oh, my God.
03:52Miss Temple-Savage, your taxi has been waiting.
03:54Yes, I know. I've had to change again,
03:56thanks to Tweedledum and Tweedledee out there.
03:59Who? Never mind.
04:01Mrs Temple-Savage, you know your car's waiting for you.
04:05What on earth are you wearing?
04:07Oh, I had Kenneth refresh me best wig for Leslie,
04:09but I can't get into Blown Gourd till it's open.
04:12Well, in the meantime, someone should try and refresh that suit.
04:15Looks like something they gave me father after the war.
04:18Ah, don't you worry.
04:20Soon as it's open, I'll be looking a million dollars.
04:22Yes, all in loose change.
04:24Right, I'm off.
04:26Have a wonderful time.
04:27Oh, don't forget, Les.
04:29This time next month, who knows?
04:31You could be assistant manager.
04:33You really think so?
04:34This is your chance to shine,
04:36and with great office comes great responsibility.
04:39Here are the keys for the vending machines.
04:42I don't know what to say.
04:44Hasta luego.
04:46Oh, any problems, call me.
04:48Just go.
04:50Luego.
04:51I'm coming.
04:56Right, I want this reception area tidied up.
04:59It's an absolute disgrace.
05:02There's nothing wrong with it.
05:04I want to be able to eat my dinner off this counter.
05:07Why don't you just do the plate?
05:09Are they also in blow-and-go?
05:11No, let's get one thing straight, Mateo.
05:13You and me might be mates, but there's a new boss in town.
05:16Yes, and he's being an arsehole.
05:19Les, what is wrong with you?
05:21Is wearing men's clothes making you upset?
05:23No, let's get one thing clear.
05:24While Joyce is away, what I see goes.
05:27It's either my way or the highway.
05:29Hey, what do you think you're doing?
05:30You know there's no smoking inside.
05:32It's not lit.
05:33Don't split hairs with me.
05:34How's that splitting hairs?
05:36Have a go at him for having 20 unlit cigs in his pocket.
05:39I assume that's a packet of 20 or are you just pleased to see me?
05:43That's enough.
05:44Right, you get this whole reception area cleaned
05:47and you get that salon opened.
05:49Hang on a minute.
05:50Who's died or left you a personality in their will?
05:52I think they also left him that suit.
05:54Shut up.
05:56While Joyce is away, I am acting assistant manager.
05:59There's only one thing you're acting, love, and that's a complete dickhead.
06:02Now, kindly excuse me while I have a stroll into Benidorm and enjoy my ciggy.
06:05Don't worry, I'll make sure I'm at least at the Poniente Beach before I spark up.
06:10At what time are you going to open this salon?
06:12Shut up.
06:15My way or the highway?
06:17I think he chose the highway.
06:27Where's my mum?
06:29Gone to get your nana.
06:32Didn't get any sleep again last night with her coughing.
06:35I'm sure she appreciates your concern.
06:40You're not hanging about with your mate today?
06:42Nah, he's not really my mate.
06:44You're joking?
06:45You've been stuck to him like shit to a blanket since you got here.
06:48And what does that mean?
06:50Doesn't mean anything.
06:51And watch that tone of voice of yours.
06:53You might think you're a tough guy, but your wrists still go all the way up your arms.
06:57What, and you think that's a reason to pick on me?
06:59Who's picking on you?
07:00You. You're always picking on me.
07:02Oh, Michael.
07:03Do us all a favour, go back to bed and get up again when you've stopped behaving like a dickhead.
07:07Sick to death of you talking to me like I'm a little kid.
07:09Well then stop acting like one.
07:11And if you think I'm ever coming on holiday with you again, you're wrong.
07:14Oh no, what am I going to do with all that spare money?
07:16Dunno, maybe buy some clothes that suit your age.
07:23Morning.
07:24Fab T-shirt.
07:30Morning.
07:38Come on, ma'am. Half the day's gone already.
07:41You sleep alright?
07:43Not really.
07:44Oh, I know what you mean.
07:46If it gets any hotter, I'll have to set me alarm to ring me knickers out.
07:49Is it the first today?
07:51Yeah. Pinch punch. First of the month.
07:54First of August.
07:56Yeah. Are you ready?
08:01Oh, that cough's no better, is it?
08:07Oh, God, Mother.
08:09What is it you want?
08:11Water?
08:13Cough sweets?
08:17I don't know what it is you're pointing at.
08:19Do you want me to get the doctor?
08:21Six. I want me six.
08:30Oh!
08:40Oh, that's better.
08:42Right. Let's get you outside.
08:45Bits of fresh air won't do you any harm, either.
08:52Mother?
08:54Yeah.
08:56I'm on me way out.
09:01SHE GASPS
09:19Excuse me. Do you have another table?
09:22Um...
09:24Table non-bien.
09:26Oh!
09:29Muchas gracias. Thank you.
09:32Oh, right.
09:34Thank you, thank you.
09:36Oh!
09:39Uh, no, there's a...
09:41Uh...
09:43Oh!
09:45Oh!
09:50Oh!
09:52Oh!
09:54Oh, sorry. Sorry, sorry, sorry.
09:59Oh!
10:05Hey!
10:07What do you think you're doing?
10:09This is your father. I mean, your mother.
10:11I mean, whatever he is. He told me to find the key.
10:13Liam, there you are. I've been trying to phone you.
10:16I need me best wig for Leslie.
10:18Oh, it's going to be so nice. You're going to look amazing.
10:20Yeah, well, I need it now so I can get changed and get on with me job.
10:23Oh, well, it won't be here till this afternoon.
10:25I sent it to Alicante to get it done professionally.
10:27I used to be professionals.
10:29You said it was important.
10:31It's important that I have that wig now!
10:33Oh, I can't believe...
10:35Right, I want all the HODs in my office in 15 minutes.
10:38What are HODs?
10:40You haven't got an office.
10:42Heads of department in the manager's office.
10:44My office, while Joyce is away.
10:46Oh, now it is Joyce.
10:49What happened to Miss Temple Savage?
10:51Hey, I'll have none of your lip or your father high jump.
10:54My office, 15 minutes.
10:57Oh, my God.
10:59When did my dad turn into gutter balls?
11:01His face does not look like a gerbil.
11:03It's more like an angry pig.
11:09Can you make this quick?
11:11I've got a corkscrew pen to relax at one o'clock.
11:13I was only to get a couple of hours of sun in before then.
11:15Close your clatter. I'll be having words with you at the end.
11:18Don't you threaten me with a good time.
11:20Right, since my recent promotion,
11:22it has come to my notice that everyone at the Salona
11:25needs to up their game.
11:27You have not been promoted.
11:29You are just covering for Miss Temple Savage while she is on holiday.
11:31Exactly. And you've only got that
11:33because you've been brown-nosing her so much over the past fortnight.
11:36The end of your nose looks like a Welles original.
11:38Listen, one more word out of you,
11:40and I'll cut off your electric.
11:42You wouldn't dare.
11:44Try me.
11:48Right.
11:50Now we all understand each other.
11:52Let it be known...
11:54Let it be known? Who do you think you are? Jesus.
11:56Oh, come on, you.
11:58And out of all of them, I thought you'd have been on my side.
12:00But I'm just saying...
12:02Leave it, Liam. It's like a woman possessed.
12:04Let it be known that I will be making detailed inspections
12:07on all departments as the day goes on.
12:10Starting with housekeeping,
12:12moving on to bar areas,
12:14pool areas, and the Salona's hair and beauty salon,
12:16blow and go.
12:18That's if I'm lucky enough to find it open.
12:20Oh, Mr Les, may I please ask one question?
12:23You may.
12:25We have had a call from a Mr Norman Wisdom.
12:27Apparently, he wants his suit back.
12:29Oh, my God!
12:31How did you know about Norman Wisdom?
12:33I used to love all his movies when I was a bambino.
12:35My favourite was... All right, that's enough.
12:37Mr Castellanos, you're on a final warning.
12:39Mr Toombeck, stay here.
12:41The rest of you, move it.
12:44That looks good.
12:51I've got my eye on you.
12:54And I've got your £400 a week on its way from Alicante.
12:57So just calm yourself down,
12:59or I might have to ring them cuddies
13:01and get them to send it on a little diversion.
13:03You wouldn't dare.
13:05Try me. Don't mess with the Queen, Les.
13:07You might just end up with a Royal Shapton.
13:14Sheesh!
13:23How are you feeling now, ma'am?
13:25Better now you're in the sun?
13:27Yeah.
13:29Much better.
13:31Where's our Michael?
13:33He went off in a sulk.
13:35I bet your mother's got an opinion about what caused that.
13:37I've not seen our Michael today.
13:39Sure he'll be all right.
13:41Any sign of your missing scooter, Madge?
13:43You had the perpetrators hunted down and burnt at the stake, yeah?
13:46It'll only be kids messing.
13:48I'm sure they'll bring it back when they've finished with it.
13:51Anybody want a drink? I'm off to the bar.
13:53I'll get them, ma'am.
13:55No, don't worry.
13:57It'd be nice to stretch my legs back in a minute.
14:02It looks like Madge.
14:04It sounds like Madge.
14:06It even smells like Madge, but...
14:08What the hell's going on?
14:10I don't know.
14:32Oh, Beverley, shouldn't we go somewhere else?
14:34We're sitting right next to the river.
14:36Don't move. Sit down.
14:38Is everything all right?
14:40Don't speak.
14:42Just stay exactly as you are.
14:46I've never seen the sunlight dancing in someone's eyes quite that way before.
14:51Well, I think they're a bit glassy.
14:53I had quite a late night last night.
14:55No, don't say a word.
14:57What a fool I've been to wait this long before meeting up again.
15:00Well, I know you're a busy...
15:02Shh! No words.
15:04Just let me drink you in.
15:06Such poise. Such elegance.
15:09Such... What is that smell?
15:11That's what I've been trying to say.
15:13I think we should move away from that bin.
15:15One second.
15:17Beverley Westwood? Hello?
15:19Speak!
15:21No. How many times have I told you
15:23the hotel offers no discounts whatsoever?
15:26Well, so what if they've been married 50 years?
15:29Stick an umbrella in their ovaltine.
15:32I'm sorry, Joyce. Where was I?
15:34Um, something about poise and elegance.
15:37Oh, yeah. Such poise. Such elegance.
15:41I knew when we first met that you were the oaf,
15:44I'm crying out loud.
15:46Speak!
15:48No, she can't have tomorrow morning off.
15:51I don't care if her father has died.
15:53If she calls in sick, fire her.
15:56I'm sorry about that.
15:58I'm sorry about that.
16:00Running a hotel can really get in the way of one's social life,
16:04but I don't need to tell you that.
16:06Well, um, Beverley, is there anywhere that you...
16:08Can I ask you a question, Joyce?
16:10Yes.
16:11I know we've only been speaking on the phone for a few days,
16:14but I feel a real connection.
16:17Do you?
16:19I do, and I was wondering
16:21if you'd like to come over to my hotel.
16:24Well, yes, as I said on the phone,
16:26I'd be very interested to see your family.
16:29What is it now?!
16:31No! What is wrong with you people?!
16:34I've been away for less than an hour!
16:37Hello? Hello?
16:39Bloody battery.
16:41Have you got a phone?
16:43Yes, somewhere.
16:48Diego, can I use your phone?
16:50Bloody hell.
16:56Um, senor.
16:58Senor, here.
17:02Oh!
17:03Cyril!
17:04Joyce!
17:13Mikey! What's going on?
17:15Nothing.
17:16Fancy coming for a wander?
17:17No, I don't.
17:18Just leave me alone.
17:19Every time I hang around with you, I get in trouble.
17:21I could say the same thing about you.
17:23Just go away!
17:24Listen, Mikey, you don't seem to have too many friends around here.
17:27You should be thankful you've got me as a mate.
17:29Thankful? Thanks to you, I got a tattoo,
17:31my nan's scooter got trashed,
17:33nearly got caught selling drugs and lost all my holiday money.
17:36They weren't drugs, they were tannin pills.
17:38And I got your money back for you, you ungrateful...
17:40You lads all right?
17:41Yeah.
17:42Yeah, sweet, Mrs G.
17:43I was just going to nip out and get a newspaper.
17:45Oh? I didn't think reading was your strong point.
17:49Off you pop, then.
17:50You stand there gawping much longer
17:52and that haircut's in danger of coming back into fashion.
17:55Yeah.
17:57Yeah, cool.
17:59Um...
18:01See you later, Mikey.
18:06You know, I've not really noticed before,
18:09but he's a bit of a dick, that lad, isn't he?
18:12Yeah, just a bit.
18:13Do you fancy a swim?
18:15Yeah, all right.
18:16Come on.
18:22Housekeeping.
18:35Oh!
18:36Disgusting!
18:37Disgusting!
18:56What are you doing?
18:57What do you want?
18:58Get off me!
19:04Let me go, man!
19:05What are you doing?
19:06Trying to get off her!
19:07What the hell's going on here?
19:09Well, don't you stand there!
19:12I'm sorry, but I have no intention of finishing off whatever he started.
19:16Tonya, where are you going?
19:18Don't be ridiculous!
19:28Oh!
19:29She's arrived.
19:31Here she is.
19:32Here she is.
19:33The last remains of Big Donna.
19:35May she rest in pieces.
19:37Oh, when I think of how full of life she was.
19:40What a way to end up.
19:42Well, every cloud has a silver lining.
19:45The last time she sat on someone's knee,
19:47they ended up with a fractured thigh bone.
19:49So, we're taking Donna on one last day out?
19:53Absolutely.
19:54She always said she'd get to Bernardham.
19:56We're going to send her off in style.
19:59Oh!
20:01Mateo, you can't sneak us a big bottle of water, can you?
20:04We're off to the beach.
20:05You cannot go to the beach with your father being this crazy.
20:08It is like the cats leaving the sinking ship.
20:10I think you mean mice.
20:11OK, the cats leaving the sinking mice.
20:13Whatever, I am still going to be left alone.
20:16Come on, what are you waiting for?
20:17Mateo won't give us a bottle of water.
20:19You can have the water.
20:21I am just jealous you are going to the beach.
20:23Come with us, then.
20:24I cannot.
20:25I am on a final warning.
20:27From who?
20:28From Les.
20:29Oh, I think you're mad.
20:31He's got absolutely no power over us.
20:33If this was the 70s, someone would blow a whistle
20:35and it would be everybody out.
20:36What does this mean?
20:37I don't know.
20:38It means we need a union.
20:40And then when we're treated unfairly,
20:41all the staff walk out until the management meets our demands.
20:44Are you going to give us this bottle of water to the beach
20:46or am I going to have to drink from that shower thing
20:48that the kids wash their feet with?
20:49Enjoy the beach.
20:51Cheers, gorgeous.
20:52See you later.
20:53Bye.
20:54Luego.
20:56I think one quick cocktail before we head off, n'est-ce pas?
21:00Oh, yes.
21:03Pink pussies all round, please.
21:06Two pink pussies, no problem.
21:08Three, actually.
21:10One for our friend Donna.
21:13She's never been to Benidorm before.
21:17MUSIC PLAYS
21:22While I was in Thailand, I set up a dance company
21:25with some of the people I met in prison.
21:27Prison?
21:28A complete misunderstanding.
21:31I was taking a shortcut across a field
21:34when an old groin strain flared up.
21:36I was giving it a good rub when next thing I knew,
21:40I'd got two months in a Thai prison for worrying a farmer's cattle.
21:45Anyway, I set up this dance group.
21:48They were mainly pensioners.
21:50It combined elements of traditional Thai dance
21:54and circus acrobatics.
21:56Our finale was the human pyramid,
21:59the idea being to get over the prison wall.
22:02Well, I got over the wall, but the pyramid collapsed,
22:06killing five pensioners and Chairman Mao.
22:09Chairman Mao?
22:11The prison cat.
22:12Oh.
22:13I went from Thailand's premier choreographer
22:16to public enemy number one in one admittedly graceful leap.
22:20You don't have much luck, do you?
22:22So I came to Spain to look for a job,
22:25but, well, as you can see, things haven't worked out.
22:28Why didn't you come to me?
22:30So many reasons.
22:31Pride, dignity,
22:33not being able to scrape together enough money for a can of right guard.
22:37But listen to me rattling on.
22:39You were waiting for someone.
22:41No, I wasn't.
22:42Well, I was.
22:45But...
22:46let's go for a walk.
22:48Are you sure?
22:50I think you'll be doing me a favour.
23:03Sorry about that.
23:05A barrel of monkeys could do a better job.
23:09Joyce?
23:11Joyce?
23:20Well, these are very grave accusations you're making, Mr Dyke.
23:24Are you sure it was a member of staff?
23:26Well, how else would he have got into my room?
23:28He might have left the door open.
23:30He came into the room and launched himself onto me.
23:33No, I don't think that was the case.
23:35How do you know?
23:37Well, he...
23:39You don't look like someone who's been launched upon.
23:42Oh, don't worry, I soon pulled him off.
23:44Well, that would certainly send him running.
23:47OK, I've got all the details.
23:49Young lad in his 30s.
23:50Young lad? I didn't say that.
23:52He's a right old ugly bastard.
23:55Really?
23:56Oh, yeah.
23:57It was like a fat goblin bearing down on me.
24:00Can you imagine that?
24:02Not really.
24:03And he had this weird accent.
24:05Actually, now I come to think of it,
24:07he sounded a bit like you.
24:09Where are you from?
24:11Me?
24:12I'm originally from Tunbridge Wells,
24:15although I did spend quite a lot of time on the Costas.
24:19Right, well, I'll certainly find this complete,
24:22and if we hear any more, we'll let you know.
24:26Wasn't your hair a different colour yesterday?
24:29I do believe that's a lady's prerogative.
24:31HE CHUCKLES
24:34HE CLEARS HIS THROAT
24:39Oh, bloody nylon rubbish!
24:42THEME SONG PLAYS
25:04What's going on?
25:06I thought we came on holiday to get some sun.
25:08What are we doing sitting in here?
25:10It's a family meeting, Michael.
25:12It's nice in here, isn't it?
25:14Didn't know they had somebody playing the piano during the day.
25:18Right, let's get this sorted out.
25:21What have you done with Madge?
25:23What are you talking about? Mick.
25:25You're one of them doppelgangers, aren't you?
25:27I want to saw an Amour House vorafone like this.
25:29In a minute, we're all going to wake up
25:32Haven't a clue what you're talking about.
25:34No, none of us have, Mother.
25:36We just wanted to check that...
25:39well, that you're feeling OK.
25:41I'm OK.
25:44It's just that...
25:45What?
25:46What they want to know is why you've been so nice.
25:49Nice?
25:50Yeah, it's freaking everybody out.
25:52I don't know what you're talking about.
25:54I'm just enjoying being on holiday with my family.
25:57Look what I found!
26:00You got it! You got it back!
26:02Where was it?
26:03It was just left outside.
26:04I knew they'd bring it back.
26:06It was just some kids having a bit of fun.
26:09Here you are, son.
26:13Are you sure you can remember the combination of the lock on that purse, Madge?
26:16Oh, no, please, Mrs G.
26:18I wouldn't dream of taking money from you.
26:20I'm just happy you got your scooter back.
26:22Actually, it's Mrs H.
26:26Thank you very much.
26:27No problem.
26:29Mikey.
26:35What a lovely lad.
26:38Restores your faith in humankind, doesn't it?
26:47Well, Donna
26:50You make me stand up
26:53You make me sit down
26:56Sit down, Donna
26:58Sit down, Donna
27:01Sit down
27:04You make me stand up
27:08Donna
27:10I'm on the telephone
27:15Donna
27:17Waiting for the phone to ring
27:21Oh, Donna
27:24You make me stand up
27:27You make me sit down
27:30Donna
27:32Sit down, Donna
27:35Sit down
27:38You make me break up
27:43Oh, Donna
27:46Oh, Donna
27:52I love you
28:06Hola. Can I help you?
28:08Yeah. Do you know why this place is never open?
28:11Yes. The owner, he has a problem.
28:13Oh, what's the problem?
28:14He is, how do you say, fat and lazy.
28:18Brilliant.
28:19But maybe I can help you.
28:20How do you mean?
28:21Well, I am a barman, but I also work part-time as a hairstylist.
28:26Really?
28:27Yes. Just not today. May I?
28:35Ah, yes, yes. Beautiful hair.
28:39Yes, I think you would suit...
28:43Chopitos.
28:45What's that?
28:46It's a very fashionable style that goes around your ears and your neck.
28:54What the hell do you think you're doing?
28:57Nothing.
28:58Is this man bothering you?
28:59He said he was a hairdresser.
29:00That one? A hairdresser?
29:03He thinks a finger wave is something you do for foreplay.
29:06OK, I'm not a hairdresser, but you don't have to be a farmer to stroke a cow.
29:10What?
29:13Oh, right.
29:15Well, I'm afraid our award-winning salon isn't open at the moment,
29:18but if you'd like to come back later...
29:21Is that it?
29:22I'm sorry?
29:23You're not going to sack him?
29:24Well, it's just...
29:25I want to see the manager.
29:26He is the manager. I mean, she is.
29:28I have just been intimidated and harassed and humiliated by a member of your staff
29:32and you ain't going to do nothing about it.
29:34I could have a field day with this, you know.
29:36No, I don't think that's necessary.
29:38No win, no fee and all that.
29:40Look, I'm sure we can sort this out.
29:42So sort it.
29:49Mario, you're sacked.
29:53What?
29:54I'm sorry, Mario. She's right.
29:56You'll have to collect your things.
29:58You're sacked.
30:00You cannot sack me.
30:02I am the manager of this and you're sacked.
30:06Fine. I go.
30:09I do not need to work for no crazy drag queen.
30:12I'll tell Joyce you said that.
30:14I was talking about you.
30:18We're on a very tight ship here.
30:36Oh, that was a bit of a climb.
30:39But worth every step.
30:41Just look at that view.
30:43Oh, yes.
30:46Shall I say a few words?
30:48That would be lovely.
30:56Dearest Donna,
30:58you are more than a friend, more than a woman.
31:02In fact, as in the words of the great Lionel Richie,
31:06you were quite literally three times a lady.
31:10Incredibly popular, amazingly talented.
31:14One of the few women I knew could open a bottle of ketchup
31:18without the use of her hands.
31:20Till we meet again, dear Donna,
31:24rest in peace.
31:26Rest in peace.
31:29Rest in peace.
31:31SHE SCREAMS
31:33What in the throng?
31:35A rat! They didn't cremate a rat!
31:48You know what this reminds me of?
31:50As if I could forget.
31:52Stolen moments together.
31:55Balaraki 9192.
31:57Your wife wasn't stupid.
31:59She knew I had feelings for you.
32:01When Genevieve was on her deathbed, she said she had a confession.
32:05I said, I did too.
32:07And I told her how much time you and I had spent together
32:11during that season and our afternoons of ice cream and kisses.
32:16Oh, my goodness.
32:18What was her confession?
32:21For the last ten years of our marriage,
32:23she'd bought Happy Shopper instant coffee and put it in a Nescafe jar.
32:27Oh!
32:29I think being honest with each other brought us closer together
32:33for her last few hours.
32:37Strange how fate keeps throwing us together, Joyce.
32:43Maybe it's a sign.
32:46A sign we shouldn't ignore.
32:49You're dribbling.
32:51I can't really help it. It's been some time.
32:55No, I mean your ice cream.
32:57Oh! Oh!
33:01Oh!
33:03Oh!
33:05Now, this is what I call a day off.
33:07Definitely.
33:13Oh, my God.
33:15Oh, my God.
33:17Look at that.
33:19Unless it's a six-foot Brazilian gymnast emerging from the sea
33:22in nothing but a see-through thong, I am not opening my eyes.
33:26It's Joyce Temple Savage snogging a tramp.
33:29There are, however, exceptions.
33:35Oh, God!
33:40Where do we go from here, Joyce?
33:42I'm not sure.
33:44We could always have a quick paddle.
33:46No, I mean in our relationship.
33:48In the talent show of life,
33:50it feels as though we're about to go through to the judges' houses.
33:54I beg your pardon?
33:56Marry me, Joyce.
33:58Let's own the stage together.
34:00Let's make the song our own.
34:02It's a yes from me!
34:05Oh!
34:08Oh! What have I done?
34:10It's a head! Oh, my God, it's somebody's head!
34:13Oh!
34:25What is it?
34:27It's my dad's wig.
34:29What on earth's going on?
34:31It's my dad's wig.
34:32These courier companies are getting very slapdash.
34:34Why isn't your salon open?
34:36We've just been waiting for our delivery.
34:38Come on, Liam.
34:39Where the bloody hell did that come from?
34:42It wasn't a head!
34:44No, it was a wig!
34:46I think it's time I went back to work.
34:49Come on, you can have a bath.
34:54Inocente! Inocente!
34:56Maduro, this has all got out of hand.
34:59Did you not see me waiting?
35:01You sacked me. I had witnesses.
35:03Oh!
35:05Oh, for God's sake!
35:07Inocente! Inocente!
35:09Mr Castellanos, is it true you deny
35:11all the allegations of harassment against you?
35:13I have spoken to my solicitor,
35:15and the one thing I can say to you is
35:17these allegations put inside me are a huge fallacy.
35:20Don't you mean fallacy?
35:22Whatever.
35:24It's five euros an hour,
35:26and it's much busier putting Chris in it.
35:29I'm not seven. It's all inclusive anyway.
35:31Look, are you in or are you out?
35:34Yeah, I'm in.
35:36Where do you want these?
35:38In that bar.
35:40Then I need you to go on reception with young Michael.
35:43No problem.
35:45Come on, then, get your finger out.
35:47Isn't that what you said to the bloke you've just sacked?
35:52Oh, I love a demonstration.
35:54But I, for one thing, it's disgusting.
35:56Up the work, as I say.
35:58Especially that cute one at the end.
36:00What's your stance on the situation?
36:02Well, it's an absolute farce, innit?
36:04I mean, what are we demonstrating about?
36:06What?
36:07By Leslie.
36:08You're joking.
36:09Well, it was bound to happen, wasn't it?
36:11She was a five-foot hormonal dam waiting to burst, that one.
36:15Meanwhile, despite this ongoing dispute,
36:18Kenneth Dubeck's world-famous hair and beauty emporium, Blow & Go,
36:21will be open for business throughout.
36:23Come to Blow & Go, just inside the Hotel Solana.
36:26You'll be glad you did.
36:29Mateo, what on earth is going on?
36:31Ask Leslie. She's the one who sacked me.
36:33Squirrel, long time no see. Are you OK?
36:36Mrs Temple-Savage, do you have any comment?
36:39Oh, my... Oh, my God!
36:42No, she most certainly does not.
36:44Give the lady some space, please!
36:48Listen, Mikey, I don't know why you're scared of me.
36:50I'm not scared here. I'm just sick of getting into trouble.
36:53Just try and have a bit of fun, mate.
36:55But I know what you mean. Things did start to get a bit airy.
36:59Truce?
37:01Truce.
37:02Yeah, nice one.
37:04Oh, and I know that's not my nana's scooter.
37:06It's the one you've just stolen.
37:08Yeah, well, as long as she's happy.
37:12Yeah, Solana, what do you want?
37:15Mrs Temple-Savage, what are you doing here?
37:21What the hell's going on?
37:23We're just experiencing a minor staff malfunction,
37:25but I've got everything under control.
37:27Under control?
37:29It's like a scene from Oliver.
37:31Get Mateo and those workers back in here
37:33and get rid of these children now!
37:35But, Mrs Temple-Savage...
37:37Now!
37:38There you go. Special delivery.
37:40What have you done to us?
37:42Come on, let's get to a telly. I hope you don't make me look fat.
37:46Leslie!
37:51Hello. I'd like to book a single room for...
37:53Oh, for goodness sake, get away from that desk!
37:57Go on, get away!
37:59Joyce, this is absolute chaos.
38:01I know. I'd leave the place for half a day and look at it.
38:05It's ridiculous you trying to run this whole place single-handedly.
38:09I know. I had my eye on Leslie as assistant manager,
38:12but after this, she'll be lucky if I keep her on mopping floors.
38:18What? What is it?
38:20Of course! You could do it!
38:23I appreciate the offer, but mopping floors isn't exactly my...
38:27Cyril, I wouldn't ask you to mop a floor.
38:31I'm talking about assistant manager!
38:34Joyce, I... I don't know what to say.
38:37Let's get you cleaned up.
38:40I'm going to put you in the bridal suite.
38:42It's got a four-speed jacuzzi,
38:44and I could always come in and wash your back for you.
38:49Let's not rush into things, Joyce.
38:51It's been a while since I've been intimate with anyone.
38:55I need a while to, well, get my bearings.
39:01Get your bearings?
39:03I think I'll need a map and compass.
39:07What a day this has been
39:10What a rare mood I'm in
39:13Why, it's almost like being in love
39:18What a day!
39:20I know. Drink up. I've ordered another two.
39:22Purely medicinal, of course.
39:24It didn't even look like Donna.
39:27You don't think they sent the wrong person, do you?
39:31How many times do I have to tell you,
39:33that was a representation of Donna.
39:36It's very Egyptian, including a bust of yourself
39:40along with your lost worldly goods.
39:42How do you know so much about all this?
39:45Old Necronorris, the undertaker,
39:47was very knowledgeable about these matters.
39:51And from the way that I feel
39:54Mr. and Mrs. Stewart?
39:56Yes?
39:57This box came for you today, but nobody could find you.
40:02Hello? Can you hear me?
40:05Yes, yes.
40:07Sorry. Thank you.
40:10No problem.
40:18Thank you. See you all again after the break.
40:21Hit it, Dave.
40:23I'm sorry, Mrs Templiss-Savage. I don't know what came over me.
40:26People being assaulted in their rooms,
40:28child labour, a staff walk-out,
40:31holidaymakers being propositioned in communal areas.
40:34No, that was Matthew.
40:36No, Leslie, it was your responsibility under your watch.
40:39That's what working in management is all about.
40:42When I was under Richard Branson and things got hard,
40:46I never tried to wriggle out of it.
40:50The thing is, Leslie, some are born to lead
40:54while others merely to follow.
40:57I'll get us a table.
40:59I'm sorry, Mrs Templiss-Savage.
41:01I suppose that assistant manager job's out the window.
41:04I'm sorry, Leslie.
41:05What's the chance of becoming Miss Benidorm 2013?
41:14I think I'd better get pressing a bit of flesh.
41:17Aren't you and Mr Babcock going to have dinner first?
41:23I'm talking about appeasing our clientele.
41:27I'm sorry.
41:29That was absolutely lovely.
41:32Thought that chicken was a bit dry.
41:34Well, they're catering for a lot of people.
41:37I think they do a smashing job.
41:40Do you want to crack for a cig, ma'am?
41:42No, I'm stopping.
41:44What? What do you mean, stopping?
41:46I'm stopping smoking.
41:50Oh, look, sponge and custard.
41:58It's like an old people's home in here.
42:00This is officially the worst holiday I've ever had.
42:03You're lucky.
42:04At least you didn't get groped by a dirty old man today.
42:07Didn't I?
42:08Who in their right mind would grope you?
42:10Shut up.
42:11What are you talking about, baby?
42:12I knew they wouldn't sack him.
42:13Wouldn't sack who?
42:17Bianca?
42:18What's been going on?
42:19I said I don't want to talk about it.
42:22Now look what you've done.
42:29Dear Donald and Jacqueline,
42:32I have enclosed the last remains of dear departed Donna.
42:38Give her a good send-off, guys.
42:40She was one of the best.
42:42So, if these are Donna's ashes,
42:45what was that we tipped into the sea today?
42:48I don't know.
42:49But I'm not sure I can go through all that again.
42:52Oh, no, me neither.
42:54Let's finish our dinner, sleep on it
42:57and decide what to do with her in the morning.
42:59Oh, yes.
43:03It's no good.
43:04I can't get a minute to myself in here.
43:06I'd say let's go somewhere else,
43:08but as you know, I'm absolutely broke.
43:11Cyril?
43:13Yes, Joyce?
43:14Would you like to have your pudding in my room?
43:18I haven't seen what's on offer yet.
43:20I think you know exactly what's on offer.
43:23Joyce, I've been calling you all afternoon.
43:26Oh, I don't have my phone with me.
43:28Cyril, this is Beverley West.
43:30Cyril, this is Beverley Westwood.
43:32He manages the Hotel Alberta.
43:35Look, I'm sorry about this lunchtime.
43:38I came out of the restaurant and you must have gone to the loo.
43:41Unfortunately, I had to head back to the hotel.
43:44But I've completely cleared my diary for this evening.
43:48I'm sorry, Beverley.
43:50This evening isn't convenient.
43:52I've booked a table at the Bellroy.
43:54I'm sorry, Beverley.
43:56I don't think you quite understand.
43:58Do you know how difficult it is to get a table at the Bellroy?
44:01No, my friend.
44:03I don't think you understand.
44:05Who's he?
44:07Oh, please, Beverley, don't make a scene.
44:09Hang on a minute. I recognise you.
44:12Didn't I have you thrown out of the grounds of my hotel last week
44:15for going through the bins?
44:17I very much doubt it.
44:19So this is what you're turning me down for, Joyce?
44:22A dirty old tramp?
44:23Oh, say that again.
44:25Exactly. A dirty, old, desperate, embarrassing tramp.
44:30You have ten seconds to leave
44:33before you get a bloody good pasting.
44:36You what? You couldn't paste a roll of wallpaper.
44:39What?
44:41Boys, boys, now, please.
44:43Wait a minute. You're going.
44:45I didn't do anything, I swear.
44:47Didn't do anything? My daughter is absolutely inconsolable.
44:50Mum, I'm just leaving.
44:52Oh, lady, she don't care.
44:54So maybe that's what happened. This was all...
44:56You touched my daughter's hair!
44:58What kind of a pervert are you?
45:00Excuse me, we can't see the stage.
45:03Come on, just calm the...
45:05Get out of my way!
45:07You, me, outside, now!
45:09Don't worry. I'll look after this one.
45:11Ow!
45:12Come here, you! Stay out of my way!
45:14Well, I suppose I should let you know what's going on.
45:18What?
45:19You're right.
45:20I've had what you might call a different outlook on life recently.
45:24And for good reason.
45:26Go on.
45:27Well, I've kept it to meself,
45:30but five months ago, to the day,
45:34I went to see Dr Kundu.
45:36And...
45:38well...
45:40he gave me six months to live.
45:42Get out!
45:44Oh! Oh!
45:46Get off!
45:50I probably should have told you.
45:55You! It was you in my room!
45:58This place is full of perverts!
46:01Argh!
46:03Oh!
46:05Oh!
46:07HE COUGHS
46:15HE COUGHS
46:17HE COUGHS
46:20HE COUGHS
46:40Yeah!
46:50HE COUGHS