Category
🎥
Short filmTranscript
00:00♪
00:25-♪
00:34Yo, me.
00:36Hiya, pal.
00:37Have you got any brown sauce?
00:39We have only the sachet.
00:40The bottle was down to the last trickle.
00:43I don't want trickle.
00:44I want brown sauce.
00:46It's what I am saying.
00:47The brown sauce in the bottle was down to the last trickle,
00:49so we have the sachet.
00:51I don't understand.
00:52Oof.
00:54It's the sachet, the small packet.
00:56Madre mÃa, it's your language, not mine.
01:01What were all that about?
01:03You didn't get any brown sauce, did you?
01:05No, only ketchup.
01:06Can you get us some brown sauce while you're on your feet?
01:09I'm not on me feet.
01:10You were when I started that sentence.
01:13Where's Sharon?
01:15She's gone for a cake.
01:16Well, that's her diet blown, then.
01:18She's not on a diet.
01:19She's gone to try and find a cake for our Jodie coming back today.
01:23Morning.
01:25Morning.
01:27Morning, son.
01:28I don't suppose you got any brown sauce, did you?
01:31With black coffee?
01:34How are you feeling?
01:35I am never drinking again.
01:38You know what's good for a hangover?
01:40Drinking heavily the night before?
01:42What?
01:44Never mind.
01:45Go on, then, Grandad.
01:46What's good for a hangover?
01:48Brown sauce.
01:49Really?
01:50That's why they say, have you been on the sauce?
01:53Bitter brown sauce.
01:54It's like head of the dog.
01:56Clear the hangover of yours in minutes.
01:59Cheers, Grandad.
02:02Get us a couple while you're there, will you, son?
02:04OK.
02:06What?
02:08So, breakfast in the indoor market,
02:10then we head up to the dinosaur park.
02:12I don't think I can. I'm waiting for Neville.
02:14Who's Neville?
02:15He's my dad's mate from the Jodie bar.
02:17He's covering for my dad while he's in the UK.
02:19Oh, your dad?
02:20Yeah.
02:21What's he doing there?
02:22It's just family stuff, nothing exciting.
02:24Sam, about the dinosaur park...
02:25Oh, I am on such a good number there.
02:27All I've done is organise a few little kid shows and that
02:30for the start of their season,
02:31and I'm getting 500 euros.
02:33Can you believe it?
02:34No, I mean...
02:36Well, I don't really like dinosaurs.
02:38Never have done since I was a kid.
02:40Oh, you're so cute.
02:41I bet you were scared of the dark and all.
02:44Yeah, I was, terrified.
02:45Don't worry.
02:46These dinosaurs are made of plastic.
02:48The best I can do on a day like this is melt on you.
02:51Hiya.
02:52Is there anywhere you can put this cake?
02:55It's for my daughter, but it'll melt outside.
02:57Indoor market.
02:58Do you want it in a fridge?
02:59No, no, no, just out of the sun will be fine.
03:01Can I have a peek?
03:02Is it her birthday?
03:04Oh, welcome back.
03:06Has she been anywhere nice?
03:07She's been in the UK working on a television commercial.
03:10Your daughter's going to be on the telly?
03:12Yeah, she's very talented.
03:13I'll keep my eye out for it.
03:15What's the commercial for?
03:17Adult nappies.
03:18Oh, I think Kenneth from Blow and Go had a dabble with them
03:20before they got the pipes cleaned at the Pink Trombone.
03:25Well, er, I'd better get on.
03:28Thanks for that.
03:29Lovely.
03:30I'll put it somewhere safe.
03:32Lola!
03:36Can you put this somewhere safe?
03:38Out of the sun.
03:39Sin el sol, sin el sol.
03:43Good morning.
03:44Is Joyce in?
03:45I'm afraid Miss Temple Savage is away at the moment.
03:47Have you got her mobile number?
03:48Yes, I have.
03:49In fact, I've just got a text from her thanking me.
03:51As I was passing, I thought I'd just pop in and find out why.
03:55I mean, why she's thanking me.
03:57Is it casual Friday?
03:59No, it's not even Friday.
04:00Oh, I see what you mean.
04:01No, I'm not wearing the Solana uniform
04:03because I work in the hair salon.
04:04I'm just covering for me dad.
04:06Little Geordie fella, often wears a dress.
04:08Oh, of course, Les, or Leslie.
04:11The Solana have been very accommodating.
04:13Well, as they should be.
04:14I've just spent a few days in the UK
04:16with some chums from the House of Lords.
04:18No stranger to a backless cocktail frock amongst those boys.
04:21Oh, while I'm here,
04:22I don't suppose your IT department could have a look at my phone?
04:26It's not working while I was in the UK.
04:27I've not had an email through for days.
04:29Want me to have a word with baby Jesus?
04:31I beg your pardon?
04:32Oh, Jesus in maintenance.
04:34His son baby Jesus sometimes comes in and helps with the computers.
04:38Well, I've always said it pays to have a friend in Jesus.
04:42Have a seat.
04:43Probably take a few minutes to track him down.
04:45I'm sure.
04:46He probably moves in a mysterious way.
04:49Won't be long.
04:50He might be next door singing karaoke songs by the Carpenters.
04:53Could you just sit down, please?
04:54Sorry.
04:57Lola!
05:00Could you find baby Jesus and bring him to reception?
05:04There's somebody in need of his guidance, bless you.
05:08Diven Panikjong and Neville's here to save the day.
05:11Nev, you all right?
05:13Hey, champion man.
05:15Never better.
05:16Oh, thanks for this.
05:17Hey, no problem.
05:18Right, you get yourself off.
05:19Do you not want me to show you around and introduce you to people?
05:21Hey, I've got a tongue in me head and Les has emailed all the staff
05:24and he's left us a list of instructions.
05:26I'll soon find me way around.
05:27Well, this is really good of you.
05:29No problem.
05:30Hey, blood's thicker than water
05:31and brown ale is thicker than both of them put together.
05:33Go on, get yourself away.
05:35Give me a call if you need me.
05:36Aye, aye, aye, you get yourself away.
05:46Honestly, Betty, you'll thank me for getting rid of that side parting.
05:50With your high forehead and them heavy eyelids,
05:52there was more than a whiff of Boris Karloff about you.
05:55Here you go, love.
05:57Morning.
05:58Have you got an appointment?
05:59No, I was just wondering if you can do something with this.
06:03Oh, love, I'm an hairstylist, not a vet.
06:05Your cheeky sod, it's a clip-on.
06:07I know, I'm just pulling your leg.
06:09Look, have you thought about treating yourself to a new one?
06:12It'll probably work out cheaper, you know.
06:14Let me get the book for you.
06:15OK, thanks.
06:16Oh, going home?
06:18No, I went home when I came back.
06:20Morning.
06:21Afternoon.
06:23There you go.
06:27Oh, yeah.
06:29Name not around?
06:30No, Dale.
06:31Oh, he's got a nice day for it.
06:33You're joking, aren't you?
06:34Not if you're a little ginge.
06:35He'll be barricaded under the staircase at home,
06:37covered in sunblock.
06:43I think that's you.
06:49Jacqueline not up yet?
06:50No, I'm a bit worried about her.
06:52Why? What's wrong with her?
06:53Nothing, I just think we really messed up her chances last night
06:56with Eddie, you know, going with her to his party.
06:59Why? It's not your fault that Captain Birdside
07:01didn't get his fish fingers.
07:02There was Arthur Bennett on there, wasn't there?
07:04It's been two years since Donald's passing.
07:06I hate to think of her as lonely.
07:07Er, excuse me, your friend Jacqueline,
07:09are you trying to pair her off with Eddie Dawson?
07:12Oh, my God.
07:13I've just recognised you.
07:15He's your husband, isn't he?
07:17Sorry.
07:19A bit of sick just came up into my throat.
07:22No, he's not.
07:24He's my daughter's father-in-law.
07:26You didn't mean to call him Captain Bird.
07:28Look, you're all right.
07:29You want to hear what I call him.
07:31I think it's a great idea.
07:33Maybe I could be of some help.
07:36I'll have a number 36, please.
07:38Morning, boys.
07:40Morning, Jacqueline. Hiya.
07:42I'll put the kettle on.
07:47Glam and toast. Perfect.
07:49Ten euros, please.
07:50That's gorgeous.
07:55And don't worry about your friends and Eddie.
07:58Leave that to me.
08:02Bye, love.
08:08What is wrong with me mother?
08:10Why can't she answer the phone like a normal person?
08:13It keeps ringing, so she's definitely landed.
08:15It pains me to say it, but I've always found your mother
08:18to be a very ignorant woman.
08:20They're here. Look, they're here.
08:22Woo!
08:23Right, Rob, go to reception and ask for the cake.
08:26Well, I'm saying they...
08:28Where's Geordie?
08:30Where's our Geordie?
08:31Is that you? It keeps ringing.
08:33The phone's in the bottom of my case.
08:35You have finished with these drinks?
08:37Where's Geordie?
08:38Well, hang on a minute. Before you go mad...
08:40Where is Geordie?
08:41It's actually really good news.
08:43Mother, where is my daughter?
08:45Have you finished with this drink?
08:46Oh, be quiet.
08:47Has she got another job?
08:49What do you mean, she's got another job?
08:51The director of the TV commercial, Brian, his name was,
08:55late 50s, but a good strong head of hair on him.
08:58Brian liked Geordie so much,
09:00he put her in a commercial for dog food for Germany.
09:03She's gone to bloody Germany?
09:05No, don't be ridiculous. As if I'd let her go to Germany.
09:09No, they're filming in Scotland for four days.
09:12If my daughter is in Scotland for four days,
09:15then what the frigging hell are you doing here?
09:17I'm on me holidays.
09:19What is wrong with you?
09:21Have you completely lost your mind?
09:23Hey! Hey!
09:24Enough of this crazy screaming.
09:26Loretta, who is actually looking after Geordie?
09:29She's fine.
09:31Their best friend from school is on the same job,
09:34so they're with their mother, Lisa.
09:36Was it Lisa or Alina? Something like that.
09:38Mum, where are you going?
09:40Where do you think I'm going? I'm going to get me daughter.
09:43Sharon! Sharon! Just... Oh, hang on!
09:48Mother!
09:50Talk about making a mountain out of a molehill.
09:52Bacardi and coke, please, love.
09:57I'm sorry, madam, you cannot see the manager
09:59as we don't have one at the moment,
10:01but your complaint of the beach being too sandy
10:04is not really for us, it's for the town hall.
10:06Oh, let's go.
10:08Hello. I spoke to baby Jesus
10:11and he managed to download all my emails from the past few days.
10:14Well, I suppose that's the power of prayer.
10:16And, well, it would appear I've been asked to step into the breach.
10:19Step into the what?
10:21I'm your relief manager while Joyce is in Barcelona.
10:23Oh! And you're Les, aren't you?
10:25Sorry, I'm used to seeing you in the wig and the dress.
10:27Oh! Yeah, Les, Les, that's me.
10:30Well, welcome aboard.
10:35Oh, my days.
10:38Worth the bus journey, yeah?
10:40Er, yeah. They're so lifelike, they're freaking me out, man.
10:45Hey, Joey, what do you call a one-eyed dinosaur?
10:48I don't know.
10:50Do you think he saw us?
10:52Who? The one-eyed dinosaur.
10:54I don't know. Which one is he?
10:56No, that's the name of the dinosaur that's got one eye.
10:59What is? Do you think he saw us?
11:01If it's this one, definitely, but it can't have been this one
11:04cos he's got two eyes.
11:06All right, boys, getting OK with your free passes?
11:09Yeah, great, thanks. This place is incredible, ain't it?
11:12It's all right. Pretty impressive, yeah.
11:15And if you think these are good,
11:17wait till you see the live dinosaur fight I've arranged later on.
11:20Live dinosaur fight?
11:22You said they were extinct.
11:24Seriously, he knows nothing.
11:26Hey, Sam, what do you call a dinosaur with one eye?
11:29I don't know, Joey. What do you call a dinosaur with one eye?
11:32Oh, it's not for me, it's something Tiger wanted to know.
11:36You know he'd get a slap if he weren't so damn cute.
11:40Come on, Liam.
11:42I feel sick.
11:53Sharon, let's just sit down and talk about this.
11:56What's there to talk about?
11:58My mother has just proved herself to be even more irresponsible
12:01than your father, and that's saying something.
12:03It's not a competition of who's the best grandparent,
12:05although if it was, top marks to me dad in coming first.
12:08Yeah, out of two grandparents, he's the clear winner
12:10over the Wicked Witch of the West. You must be so proud.
12:13Look, we just need to stop, calm down
12:15and take things one step at a time.
12:17One step at a time?
12:18Our daughter has been abandoned in a foreign country.
12:21She hasn't been abandoned, we've just been told she's...
12:24Scotland's not a foreign country, is it?
12:26Mum!
12:27Rob, is Scotland classed as a foreign country?
12:29Or did you mean foreign to the country we're in now?
12:32Mother!
12:33What?
12:34Jodie wants to speak to you.
12:36Mum? Mum? Mum, can you see me?
12:39Oh, Jodie!
12:41Jodie, darling, are you all right?
12:44I'm so sorry.
12:46I'm fine. What are you sorry about?
12:48Kate's coming back to Spain and leaving you there.
12:50She didn't want to leave me here. I told her I wouldn't go back.
12:53But, darling, who were you with there?
12:56I'm with my friend Emily and her mum.
12:58She's my official chaperone.
12:59And Mrs Kelly from school is here looking after us as well.
13:02OK. Well, don't you worry, sweetheart.
13:05I'm going to be on the next plane leaving from Alicante.
13:08Why are you coming here?
13:09Well, don't you want me there?
13:11There's no point, Mum. We're working all day.
13:13We hardly see each other.
13:15Plus, if you came here, my dad, Rob, Grandad Dawson and Nana Chase would be missing you.
13:20Oh, we would. Yeah.
13:22Plus, faxing stuff costs money.
13:24I'm only getting £1,000 for this ad.
13:26What? What was that, Jodie? Love with me?
13:28That last bit, there was a bit of interference. It's the Wi-Fi here.
13:30Can you say that last bit again?
13:31Get out of the way!
13:32Jodie, we're ready for you.
13:34They're calling for me. I'll speak to you later.
13:36Bye!
13:38I love you.
13:39I love you. Bye!
13:41Tell Mrs Kelly to give me a ring.
13:44She looks fine to me.
13:45She looks dead happy.
13:46Yeah, she's got people looking after her.
13:49What do you want to do, Mum?
13:51I don't know.
13:53But I could do with a drink first.
13:56Come on.
13:57Did anyone catch how much she's getting for this advert?
14:00I thought you had her say £10,000, but it might not have been.
14:03It might have been less. I mean, I don't think it was less.
14:05Actually, it might be more.
14:07Is anyone listening to me?
14:10Kids are wrapped in cotton wool these days.
14:13I'd be surprised how much they can take care of themselves.
14:16She's nine.
14:17She's got people looking after her,
14:19a friend and a dog to play with,
14:21more than I had when I was her age.
14:23Some things never change.
14:25Only way to get a dog to play with you
14:27would be to hang a pork chop round your neck.
14:29Very funny.
14:31Aye, aye.
14:32Firing squad are back.
14:36Would you like a priest to read the last rites
14:38before you go to meet your maker?
14:41I went in for it a bit, talking about meeting your maker
14:43the size of you guzzling the double brandies.
14:46There's no need for that.
14:47Never start something you can't finish, Eddie Dawson.
14:50Remember that.
14:55All sorted?
14:56No, it's not all sorted.
14:58Well, are you going or are you staying?
15:01She's staying. We're all staying.
15:03For now.
15:04I'm speaking to the principal of Geordie's school later.
15:07Did you say you'd got a cake, Sharon?
15:09It'd be a shame to waste it.
15:13Well, first of all, can I say thank you to Les
15:16for assembling everyone here?
15:18And what an unexpected honour it is
15:20to be asked to captain the good ship Solana
15:22into hopefully not too choppy waters.
15:25Choppy who?
15:26Choppy waters.
15:28Who's choppy waters?
15:29No, what I mean is...
15:31What he's trying to say is that he hopes everything goes OK
15:33while he's the manager.
15:35Fatty chance.
15:36I'll be the first to admit that running a hotel
15:38does not come second nature to me,
15:40but I imagine Joyce and Crystal know their staff here
15:43are such a well-oiled machine,
15:44all that's needed is a mere steady hand
15:46to administer the odd squirt...
15:49of oil, I mean...
15:51into the machine.
15:53Does anyone understand a single word about what she's talking?
15:56To sum up, and in brief...
15:58Bit late for that.
15:59I see the staff of the Solana not working for me
16:02over the next two days, but working with me.
16:05One hand washes the other.
16:07Lord Henry, once you have finished washing your hands,
16:09can we please get back to work?
16:11Yes, yes, of course.
16:12Just before you go,
16:14can I just say thank you so much for the delicious cake
16:17welcoming me back to the Solana.
16:19Please do take a slice with you as you go back to work.
16:28No fancy dress today, Les?
16:30Er, sorry?
16:31The wig, the make-up, the comedy boobies,
16:33one bigger than the other.
16:36Oh, well, I didn't want to steal your thunder.
16:39I'm sorry?
16:40Well, there's an old Solana tradition
16:42that requires every new member of staff
16:44to appear in fancy dress in neptunes on their first night.
16:48I'm sure there's a wig and a pair of high heels behind reception.
16:54Oh, dear.
16:56Well, this is ridiculous.
16:58How are we supposed to check in?
17:00You don't think they've gone self-service, do you?
17:04Mother, this is a Spanish hotel, not a steel canteen.
17:08I'm not one member of staff.
17:10Oh, hang on.
17:12It says here, for stays less than seven days,
17:16check-in is after 2pm.
17:19I feel so nauseous.
17:20If I don't eat soon, I'm going to faint.
17:22Oh, Polly, not again.
17:25When you vomited in that fire bucket at Alicante,
17:29I was hoping that was the last of it.
17:32Should have got back on the plane.
17:37We need to check in.
17:39Where are all your staff?
17:41I want to see the hotel manager now.
17:43We do not have a hotel manager.
17:45I am a bar manager.
17:47Do you understand?
17:49Shall we go for a walk?
17:51Officially, there's still an hour before we can check in.
17:56I'll deal with this.
18:00All right?
18:02No messing about, pal.
18:04I've been here before.
18:06I understand how this kind of thing works.
18:09Looking for a bit of a palm greasing, aren't you?
18:12Not from you.
18:14No.
18:15I mean, you want a few shekels for your trouble?
18:19Why is nobody talking the Queenie English today?
18:22A tip.
18:23You want some money.
18:25A tip for letting us check in early.
18:27Oh, OK.
18:29It's all right. I've got this.
18:36How much?
18:39100 euros.
18:41What? 100 euros?
18:43Are you off your nut?
18:45Welcome to the salona.
18:47Do we have a problem?
18:49Oh, well, we'd like to check in,
18:52but we're a little bit early.
18:55Oh, well, I don't think that's a problem.
19:02You're not helping Kenneth with the blow-and-go today?
19:05It's a kind of working holiday.
19:07They do the work and I have the holiday.
19:10Bacardi and coke, please.
19:13Hello. It's Jacqueline, isn't it? I'm Loretta.
19:16Hello. You were in blow-and-go earlier.
19:19That's right. I came to ask you a question,
19:22but I kind of lost my nerve.
19:24Oh, really?
19:26Yes, it's about Eddie.
19:28What about him?
19:30It's none of my business, but are you two a couple?
19:33Couple of what?
19:35Oh, you know what I mean. Are you together?
19:37We're just friends.
19:39Oh, it's just that Eddie and I have always had this banter,
19:42you know, pretending we don't like each other.
19:45Well, actually, we get on really well.
19:47Do you?
19:49I know on the surface Eddie appears to be a fat,
19:53but deep down he's a good man.
19:55Oh, I agree.
19:57About him being a good man, I mean.
20:00And at our age, good, honest men are few and far between.
20:04Oh, you can say that again.
20:06So I just think if I don't snap him up, someone else will.
20:10Do you know what I mean? Someone more his type.
20:13What is his type?
20:15Small, quirky...
20:19..dumpy.
20:21What I know he'll see past my classic features
20:24and schoolgirl figure.
20:26We might not make the perfect match,
20:28but I need somebody to keep me warm at night,
20:30do you know what I mean?
20:33Well, thanks for this little chat, Jacqueline.
20:35I really appreciate it.
20:42It's difficult to understand.
20:44She's trying to be your friend or a complete and total bitch?
20:48I'm not sure.
20:52It's unbelievable.
20:54Plane delayed by three hours, two hours to get here on a coach,
20:57and now we're half-checking in at reception.
21:00Missed most of our first day already.
21:02If Malcolm were here, we'd have been in our rooms hours ago.
21:05Oh, here we go.
21:07The mysterious Malcolm comes to our rescue again.
21:09Except, of course, he doesn't.
21:12The point that my fiancé is an academic and a skilled mediator
21:16is fact, not a mystery.
21:19Well, if he's so amazing, why haven't we met him?
21:21He has a job.
21:23My apologies if that doesn't fit in with your whirlwind lifestyle
21:26of bookmakers and pub quizzes.
21:30What is that you keep eating?
21:32Chalk.
21:34It helps with my travel sickness.
21:36I was hoping we might get a bit of late breakfast.
21:40I love that bacon they have.
21:43It's oily, but not too oily.
21:46And I love the way it gets stuck between your teeth.
21:51You can enjoy it for the rest of the day.
21:53Oh, dear God.
21:57She needs to see a doctor.
21:59That's not travel sickness.
22:01She's not been right for weeks.
22:04We don't need a doctor.
22:06I know what's wrong with our Polly.
22:08Do you?
22:09Constant fatigue, vomiting and nausea.
22:12Strange food cravings and 17 trips to the loo on a three-hour flight.
22:16You don't think she's back on the bottle, do you?
22:19No.
22:20But I think she might be needing one soon.
22:23She's pregnant.
22:28Oh, thank you.
22:30Well, obviously we just want what's best for Jodie.
22:33OK, and I can call you any time.
22:36Oh, thank you so much, Miss Hannigan.
22:40Yeah, OK. Bye.
22:42Is that Jodie's teacher?
22:44Yeah. Well, principal of the school.
22:46She said Jodie's getting some great experience and we shouldn't worry.
22:50Wasn't Miss Hannigan that drunk woman who runs the orphanage in Annie?
22:53She wasn't drunk. I met her.
22:55She stunk of tobacco and had very manageable hair,
22:58but she wasn't drunk.
23:00Looking at that glistening torso,
23:03it's hard to believe you're a single man.
23:05I won't argue with that.
23:07No, you're more like four or five men all squashed into the one pair of shorts.
23:11Ah, and you think you're such a prize, do you?
23:14All skin and bone.
23:16You can still be healthy and have a gut.
23:18Can't you, Sharon?
23:20I beg your pardon?
23:21So, did anyone fancy this dinosaur park, then?
23:24I'm not bothered. No.
23:26What is it?
23:28Marvel, as enormous, slow-moving mammals,
23:31once thought to be extinct,
23:33live and breathe in tropical surroundings.
23:36It doesn't seem much point.
23:43It is good of you to cover for Les like this.
23:45Oh, I've known Les for over 15 years.
23:47Hey, I've lost count the number of times he's covered for me down at the Geordie bar.
23:51Covered you in what?
23:52No, covered for us. You know, work day shift in my bar.
23:55I expect the family is all Les, you know what I mean?
23:58I know you said something about family.
24:00He's a canny lad.
24:02Mind you, this fella, he's a ruminer.
24:05He's a what?
24:06A rumen.
24:07What is this?
24:08He's like a twat.
24:11Aye, like a twat.
24:13Oh, yes.
24:15Lord Henry, he is a grade-A twat.
24:19Everything he touches turns to doggy-do.
24:22I never thought I would say this,
24:24but compared to Lord Henry, Mr Pilsavage is actually a good manager.
24:27Mind you, the good thing about having a soft manager is
24:29you can more or less get away with anything.
24:31Great. I'm heading for reception.
24:33I'll see yous later.
24:35Yes, Neville. See you later.
24:37BELL RINGS
24:39Oh, dear.
25:01I don't give a toss if we've wrapped your bloody car round a lamppost.
25:04You need to get here ASAP.
25:06That's English. For now.
25:09The fighting dinosaurs have got a flat tyre.
25:12Are you all right?
25:14No, I don't feel well.
25:16Are you too hot?
25:17I told you to bring your umbrella hat.
25:19I know you said it made you look a bit simple.
25:21At least it keeps the sun off you.
25:23It's not the sun. I told you what it is.
25:25But that's why we're here, to conquer your fears.
25:29I know, but I don't think I can do it.
25:31Of course you can do it.
25:33They're just plastic.
25:34I know.
25:35I know.
25:37They're just plastic.
25:39They're massive.
25:41They're absolutely massive.
25:43With huge teeth and mad staring eyes.
25:45But they're just plastic.
25:48That's the spirit.
25:50Come on, you can hold me hand.
25:52HE CHUCKLES
25:55HE GASPS
26:00HE SCREAMS
26:10No, no, no. I'm sorry, Matteo.
26:12You've had all morning to tell me it was your day off.
26:14We're running a skeleton staff, as it is.
26:16Oh. OK.
26:18I'm terribly sorry. Was there anything else?
26:20Erm...
26:22Yes. Did you hear about Elvis?
26:25What about him? He's no longer touring.
26:27Matteo, this is hardly news.
26:29Elvis died in 1977.
26:31Oh, Brian Elvis.
26:33He was the tribute act in Neptune's for tonight.
26:35He has the lariguitos.
26:37Oh, dear.
26:39But it's not a problem.
26:41I have booked a traditional Spanish flamenco band.
26:43For the same fee, of course.
26:45Of course. Flamenco, you say?
26:47Now, that does sound good.
26:49It's very short notice. Are you sure they'll turn up?
26:51For sure.
26:53In fact, one of them is already here.
26:55Wonderful.
26:58HE SINGS
27:01Ole!
27:03Still got it.
27:07Hey.
27:09Never mind about getting Jackalee knocked up.
27:11What about you? What about me?
27:13Well...
27:15I know you've got a very specific type,
27:17but I'm sure we could find another little frog-faced heffalump
27:19if we look under enough stones.
27:21I've never had a physical type. I go more for personality.
27:23A decision you made after dumping Gavin, obviously.
27:29Oh, the wonder of return.
27:31I just had a little mooch about
27:33and I got talking to that Loretta
27:35who was here earlier.
27:37Oh, yeah.
27:39Oh, she seems nice.
27:41She wants to make a move on Eddie.
27:43I said, good luck to her, she'll need it.
27:45Where's that?
27:47This type of woman
27:49is short, quirky
27:51and dumpy.
27:55No wonder he never made a move on me
27:57when we stayed here together last year.
28:03Yeah, everything's fine, Dad.
28:05Aw, yeah.
28:07I forgot how hilarious Neville is.
28:09OK, see you in a few days.
28:11I love you, Dad.
28:13Aw.
28:15Dad?
28:17What are you doing?
28:19I'm sorry.
28:21I'm sorry.
28:23I was just trying to show you they're not real.
28:25What, Bab, you've been eaten by one?
28:27Liam, you've got to get over this fear of dinosaurs.
28:29Why?
28:31Why do I have to get over my fear of dinosaurs
28:33when I'll just never come back here ever again?
28:35Because it's totally irrational.
28:37You don't understand.
28:39You have no idea how scared I am.
28:41It's all about overcoming your fears.
28:45I have nothing to fear
28:47but fear itself.
28:49I'm the one in control of this situation.
28:51I will not be beaten.
28:53There you go.
28:55You just keep repeating that to yourself.
28:57I have nothing to fear
28:59but fear itself.
29:01I'm the one in control of this situation.
29:03I will not be beaten.
29:05Shit! Come on!
29:07I have nothing to fear
29:09but fear itself.
29:15Mm-mm-mm, smells good.
29:17Uh, dosed dogs with, uh, mustard.
29:19Mm.
29:21I'm telling you, man, Sam thinks you're fit.
29:23She doesn't. I've had this before with older girls.
29:25She thinks I'm cute.
29:27You know, dumb and cute.
29:29But the question is,
29:31do you fancy her?
29:33I don't know. Never really thought about it.
29:35Oh.
29:37It's from Sam.
29:39Oh.
29:41What did she say?
29:45They are going to be here soon,
29:47so if you just have a little bit more patience,
29:49I promise, yeah.
29:51All right, Sam. What's going down?
29:53Me, I'm going down if these people
29:55don't get to see a live dinosaur fight.
29:57Oh, yeah, this is going to be dope.
29:59It would be if the special effects people
30:01doing it had turned up.
30:03Sounds like you're up Jurassic Creek without a paddle.
30:05We'll do it. Wear the costumes.
30:07Come on, guys,
30:09this is no time to back out.
30:11Oh, you've got to be joking.
30:13They're going to think we're taking the piss.
30:15It'll be fine.
30:17As long as I provide a live dinosaur fight,
30:19they can't complain.
30:21Where did you get these costumes from?
30:23They are so lame.
30:25Everyone's just going to laugh.
30:27The park uses them to hand out flyers.
30:29Just hurry up!
30:31Sam, really?
30:33Sam, really?
30:35Look at us.
30:37Look at us.
30:39Ladies and gentlemen,
30:41senors and senoritas,
30:43witness in living colour
30:45the battle
30:47of the giants.
30:49Oh, yeah, baby.
30:51The terrifying
30:53Tyrannosaurus Rex.
30:55Yeah, come on.
30:57Versus the Tyrannosaurus
30:59Vex.
31:01Please, children,
31:03sit back.
31:05These wild animals have not been fed.
31:07Right,
31:09I want a good, clean fight.
31:11No kicking, gouging, pulling of tails.
31:13Eight three-minute rounds.
31:15Go back to your corners
31:17and come out fighting!
31:19Oh, bring it on.
31:21Yeah.
31:23Oh, bring it on.
31:25Yeah.
31:33Looks like I might get paid after all.
31:39I have nothing to fear but fear itself.
31:41I'm the one in control of this situation.
31:43I will not be
31:45beaten!
31:47Ah!
31:49Ow!
31:51Ah!
31:53Ah!
31:55Ah!
31:57Oh!
31:59Ah!
32:01Oh, tiger!
32:03Oh, tiger!
32:05Oh, tiger!
32:07Oh, no, friend!
32:11I'm ready.
32:13Oh!
32:15Ah!
32:17Ah!
32:19Ah!
32:21Ah!
32:23Oh!
32:25My nuts.
32:27My back.
32:29My back.
32:33I can't move.
32:45I am so
32:47unbelievably sorry. I don't know what came
32:49over me. It's as if a red mist appeared,
32:51and when it had gone, there was you and two dinosaurs lying on the
32:53floor. But on the positive side,
32:55I've completely gotten over my phobia of
32:57dinosaurs.
32:59I can't tell you how thrilled I am.
33:01I'll get
33:03the drinks in. Don't bother.
33:05I'll go. I'm not an invalid
33:07yet.
33:17We've messed this one right up.
33:19Let's just forget it. She's happy
33:21on her own.
33:23No.
33:25I think it's worth one last shot.
33:27Kenneth.
33:29Kenneth, no.
33:33I, er...
33:35I just wanted to apologise
33:37for last night. You've got nothing to
33:39apologise to me for. Well,
33:41I think Jacqueline misunderstood
33:43what was going on.
33:45What was going on?
33:47Well, not a lot by the end of the night,
33:49but I wanted you to know that I
33:51think that some feelings
33:53are going unspoken.
33:55Are they? Yeah, you know, some
33:57feelings that are a bit, well,
33:59difficult to express.
34:01I'm pretty sure we
34:03both know what we're talking about, don't we?
34:05Don't we?
34:07I think we do. Quite often,
34:09in circumstances like this,
34:11it's two people waiting for the other one to make the
34:13first move. I don't think
34:15it is. Oh, I guarantee
34:17it. Oh, Eddie,
34:19please don't let an opportunity
34:21like this pass you by. You have to believe
34:23me when I say that if you'd just come out
34:25and laid yourself bare,
34:27you'd have me and Troy right behind you.
34:29Bloody Nora!
34:31What?
34:33Oh, for God's sake!
34:35I was talking about...
34:37Not bad.
34:41What are all that about?
34:43Oh, Jacqueline,
34:47I think we've got some explaining to do.
34:53Son, you can't just
34:55bung someone a pregnancy test
34:57and say, here,
34:59have a whittle on that, will you?
35:01I'm telling you, she's pregnant.
35:03Who knows how long?
35:05You don't think she's giving
35:07birth in her room now, do you?
35:09You said older
35:11women often have multiple
35:13births, and what if it's
35:15five or
35:17six? Mother,
35:19she's a middle-aged, recovering
35:21alcoholic, not a cat.
35:23I fell asleep in my room.
35:25Thanks for waking me. Oh, how
35:27are you feeling, love?
35:29Not much better, is the truth to be told.
35:31I'm just constantly tired.
35:33What's that?
35:35What's what? That box.
35:37What box? The box you were slowly
35:39trying to put under the table.
35:43Polly, we're worried
35:45about you. Oh, it's just a little travel sickness.
35:47It's nothing. I don't mean today.
35:49I mean the last few weeks.
35:51I haven't had a drink for three
35:53months. Yeah, and that's why we're worried.
35:55Great.
35:57What a family. You're damned
35:59if you do, and damned if you don't.
36:01Love,
36:03we think you
36:05might be pregnant.
36:13Are you serious?
36:15I know you are.
36:17That's what makes it so hysterically
36:19funny. It's a worry
36:21to us, love, because we
36:23don't know anything about this new
36:25chap you've got.
36:27What's Malcolm got
36:29to do with any of this? You mean it's not
36:31the farmer? Oh, this is ridiculous.
36:33I'm going to the lavatory.
36:35Take this, Pauline,
36:37please. Oh, for goodness
36:39sake. Please, love,
36:41for me.
36:43We're worried about you.
36:45If it'll stop your
36:47incessant bleating.
36:49Mind how you go.
36:55Well,
36:57all in all, not a bad first day.
36:59Rather remiss of Joyce to give
37:0117 members of staff a day off on the
37:03same day, but we shall have a full
37:05compliment in the morning, and tomorrow
37:07belongs to the people who prepare for it today.
37:09Why are you dressed like a clown?
37:11I'm King
37:13Louis XVI of France. They promoted
37:15you from a lord, so now you have to dress
37:17like this? No.
37:19There's still this tradition for at least one
37:21member of staff to wear a wig and high heels
37:23in Neptune's, so I sent someone to my office
37:25to grab this little number. Boys goes
37:27down a storm at consulate Christmas parties.
37:29I'm sorry, King Henry, but when
37:31you're finished talking, I need to pay my group.
37:33Oh, yes, of course. Can you
37:35come to my office after you've played?
37:37Now is better. Oh, right.
37:39I see. It's not a problem.
37:41I don't make a habit of robbing
37:43Peter to pay Paul, but... I don't know
37:45who these people are. Thank you.
37:55German night. All main meals will be
37:57served with pickled cabbage. Oh, I don't fancy
37:59that. It's disgusting.
38:01My father lost a leg at Battle of
38:03the Bulge, so we didn't have to eat
38:05pickled cabbage. Looks like the Battle of the
38:07Bulge hasn't finished for some. That joke
38:09is in very poor taste.
38:11Think that's poor taste? Wait till you try the pickled cabbage.
38:13Hey, an audience with
38:15Rob Dawson. Seats at all prices.
38:17Ah.
38:19Why don't we go to that Chinese up the road?
38:21Mr. Woo's, my treat. Your treat?
38:23You want a sponsored overdraft?
38:25It's 8 euros a head.
38:27That's less than 50 euros for the lot of us.
38:29You save your money, son.
38:31It might be a rubbish dinner, but it'll be a
38:33lovely pudding. We'll still get our Geordie's cake.
38:35That's that fella that gave it to me.
38:37Hey, that's that barman
38:39from the pool bar. I hope he's better at
38:41singing than he is at serving drinks.
38:43He scrubs up quite well,
38:45that one. That's all he needs.
38:47Vampire to giving him the gladiator,
38:49putting him off his stroke. Be careful,
38:51Eddie. I'm not as deaf as you are
38:53stupid. One more crack like that
38:55and I'll shove that ugly head of yours
38:57so far up your arse you'll be able
38:59to chew your pickle and cabbage again on the way
39:01out.
39:03Good evening,
39:05ladies and gentlemen,
39:07señores y señoritas,
39:09I give you the music of
39:11Spain.
39:13music
39:15music
39:17music
39:19music
39:21music
39:23music
39:25music
39:27music
39:29music
39:31music
39:33music
39:35music
39:37music
39:39music
39:41music
39:43music
39:45music
39:47music
39:49Oh, heck no. No wonder he gave
39:51us the music of Spain.
39:53I don't suppose he could find
39:55anybody else who wanted it.
39:57The aisle
39:59between the German food and the Spanish
40:01singing. No wonder people want to pull out of the
40:03European Union. Oh,
40:05son, I'm that proud of
40:07you when you talk politics.
40:09Well?
40:11Well, what?
40:13Was it positive?
40:15Of course it wasn't.
40:17Now, can we put this preposterous notion
40:19finally behind us?
40:23Is that sour for me?
40:25You went a bit heavy on the pickled cabbage.
40:27It's German night.
40:29Ooh, yummy.
40:31Ich liebe sauerkraut.
40:33Ich liebe sauerkraut.
40:35Ich liebe sauerkraut.
40:37music
40:39music
40:41music
40:43music
40:45music
40:47music
40:49How you feeling?
40:51Not great. Still got that painful
40:53ringing in my ears. Mate,
40:55that's not from earlier.
40:57music
40:59British square?
41:01British square.
41:03music
41:05music
41:07music
41:09Is he in pain?
41:11I don't know, but I am.
41:13I can't take much more of this.
41:15I've never heard a man scream like that.
41:17Speak for yourself.
41:19music
41:21Excuse me. Hmm?
41:23Where's my cake? Cake?
41:25Yeah, the cake I brought in earlier today
41:27for you to look after. Oh, I'm not sure
41:29I'll have to ask the manager. Here he is.
41:31Everything okay? Yeah, this lady would like a word with you.
41:33Oh, good evening, madam.
41:35I'm Henry, the acting manager. How can I help you?
41:37I brought in a chocolate cake earlier.
41:39It had welcome back written
41:41in icing on the top. That was from you.
41:43And oh, it was absolutely delicious
41:45and such a kind gesture. You what?
41:47The cake. So kind.
41:49Although, chocolate buttercream,
41:51a moment on the lips, a lifetime
41:53on the hips.
41:55That was my daughter's cake.
41:57I'm sorry? You've eaten
41:59our daughter's cake?
42:01I thought...
42:03There seems to have been a terrible misunderstanding.
42:05You've eaten a nine-year-old's chocolate cake?
42:07Well, I've heard it all now.
42:09I can assure you
42:11we will recompense you for the cake
42:13and any inconvenience caused.
42:15Fifty euros that cake was.
42:17That's not a problem. Fifty euros
42:19for a chocolate cake? It was a special
42:21type of cake. My granddaughter's
42:23allergic to Spanish chocolate.
42:25She's a very sensitive child.
42:27My sincere apologies.
42:29Ah!
42:31Mr. Wooves?
42:33Get in!
42:35Right, let's finish these drinks.
42:37Right, first of all,
42:39how dare you
42:41turn down my tennis?
42:43Excuse me? Jacqueline, please.
42:45Sorry, there's been a bit of a misunderstanding.
42:47Oh, you both be quiet.
42:49I'm saying my piece.
42:51And another thing,
42:53when you said
42:55short, strange,
42:57dumpy woman,
42:59you meant me, didn't you?
43:01I never said strange.
43:03I am not interested.
43:05If you
43:07fancy a day's watch as you
43:09said you did, you're welcome to it.
43:11What? Christ
43:13on a bike! Jacqueline, come away.
43:15I said those things for your
43:17benefit. My benefit?
43:19You said you
43:21wanted him to keep you warm
43:23at night. Oh, my
43:25God! Come on, we should go.
43:27You can have him.
43:29And he can have your
43:31schoolgirl figure.
43:33What have you
43:35been saying? I was
43:37trying to help. Ah,
43:39you've got a funny way of showing it.
43:41Let's go get something to eat.
43:49Mother, you don't really fancy... No, of course
43:51I bloody don't.
43:53I don't.
44:01Yes.
44:03Matteo there and his
44:05marvellous band.
44:07It's so wonderful to start the evening off with a
44:09smattering of local music, but
44:11now let's continue the evening in
44:13true Berrydorm fashion.
44:15Karaoke!
44:17Play something. Anything.
44:19No, no,
44:21please don't go. The evening's
44:23only just getting going.
44:25OK.
44:27I come home
44:29in the morning light.
44:31My mother says,
44:33when you go to live your life right.
44:35Oh, Mother dear,
44:37we're not the fortunate ones.
44:39And girls, they want
44:41to have fun.
44:43Now that's more like
44:45it.
44:47Yes.
44:53What are you doing?
44:55Get off.
44:57Get out of my bag.
44:59That doesn't belong to you.
45:01That's my property. Give it to me.
45:03Give it to me.
45:05Well,
45:07that's my
45:09business.
45:11That's my private
45:13business.
45:17I'm going to be an uncle.
45:19Oh, yes.
45:21Because
45:23it's all about you, isn't it?
45:29I'm having fun.
45:31Are you having fun?
45:33Yay!
45:47Yay!
45:57Yay!
45:59Yay!