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00:26Excuse me, can you tell me why this always seems to be the last hotel they drop off from
00:39the airport?
00:40They do it alphabetically.
00:42Why do they do that? That's ridiculous, we've been passed here twice.
00:45That last hotel was the Tropical. If it's alphabetical, we should have been before them.
00:49They use the Spanish alphabet.
00:52They should have a chemical toilet on there, my blood has gone into shock.
00:55What about your bags?
00:57Thanks, Sharon. Kind of you.
01:00What are you on about? They use the same alphabet as us.
01:02Whoa, whoa, whoa, hang on, amigo. There's three more cases to come out of there.
01:07Finito.
01:08What do you mean, finito?
01:11You're sexy.
01:13Where's my dad's cases? Three red cases about that big?
01:19Did you definitely put them in?
01:21He was supposed to put them in.
01:23He wouldn't let people put them in, I tried, and he told us to just leave them on the pavement.
01:26I don't think Jose would have done that, he doesn't speak English.
01:29Do you, Jose?
01:31No.
01:32Where are the bags?
01:33Just chill out. They've got to be somewhere.
01:36We know they're somewhere. The fricking Taj Mahal is somewhere, but it's not here, is it?
01:40I thought your dad's bags were a bit close to that other coach. I remember thinking that could be dangerous if they went in the wrong coach.
01:45Oh, brilliant. And you said nothing.
01:47I hope you're not blaming me.
01:49No, of course I'm not blaming... Oi, where are you going?
01:52Right, listen, you, where's he gone?
01:55Oi, where do you think you're going? Get out of here now.
01:58Finito.
01:59Never mind finito, where's our bloody cases?
02:01Sorry, no English, no English.
02:06Huh?
02:07Hey, what are you doing? Are you a crazy person?
02:10Dad, the cases aren't in the coach. The mystery can't be solved here.
02:14What the frigging hell asked you, Sherlock Holmes?
02:16The only mystery here is how he's gone from no English to fully fluent in three seconds flat.
02:20Come on, amigo, let's be having you.
02:21Oh, for crying out loud.
02:26Yes, I can see it's a holiday reps table.
02:29I know what a reps table looks like after nearly 30 years in the travel industry.
02:34Oh, oh, I can't pee.
02:38What on earth's that all about?
02:40I don't know, if I had to give an educated guess, I'd say he can't pee.
02:45Right, who put that holiday rep table there?
02:49Wasn't me.
02:51You seem to be under the impression that my question was, who didn't put the table there?
02:56Well, I didn't put it there.
02:58Matthew didn't put it there. Jesus didn't put it there.
03:01Leslie, you're not listening.
03:03Matthew didn't put it there. Jesus didn't put it there.
03:06Leslie, you're not listening to me.
03:08And it's Jesus.
03:10Bless you.
03:15Where did the crazy man go?
03:17He's here in a bra and wig.
03:19No, the crazy man shouting about his pee pee.
03:21He went through there.
03:28Can I help you?
03:33Morning.
03:34You must be Joyce.
03:37I'm Ms Temple Savage.
03:39Ms.
03:40What?
03:41You just said your name was Ms Temple Savage.
03:43I was told it was Joyce.
03:44Ms.
03:45It's what you say when you don't want people to know that you haven't got a fella.
03:48Exactly.
03:50I beg your pardon.
03:52It's Leslie, isn't it?
03:54Yes, pet.
03:56We met before, haven't we?
03:58Yeah, I came here on holiday a few years ago.
04:00We all had a night in the old town with Liam.
04:02Sam, of course.
04:04I'm sorry I didn't recognise you, pet.
04:06Hey, son, look who's here.
04:09Oh, my God, are you working in Benidorm?
04:11Yeah.
04:12Excuse me, what is this?
04:13Surprise, surprise.
04:14Come and see us.
04:15Blow and go.
04:16Best offer I've had today.
04:20What are you doing here?
04:23Don't get your tits in a twist with me, Grandma.
04:25I'm just doing my job.
04:27No problem.
04:28Take it up with Benny Go Travel.
04:31In my office now.
04:33No, love, you want to talk to me.
04:35You come to my office over there.
04:38Oi!
04:39What are you going to do about these cases?
04:44If you'd like to make your way over to our new complaints desk, sir.
04:49Right.
04:55Oh, my God.
04:56I go away for three days.
04:59Smells like somebody died in here.
05:04Kenneth?
05:06Hello?
05:10Who is it?
05:11Who's there?
05:19I've got a weapon.
05:26It's a gun.
05:28I have got a gun.
05:31And I am not afraid to use it.
05:34Ah!
05:36Kenneth!
05:37You frightened me to death.
05:38What have you been doing in here?
05:39It stinks.
05:43What's the story, Morning Glory?
05:47Get up!
05:48And open a window!
05:51That's it, son.
05:59Keep pouring it in.
06:00Hey!
06:02What are you doing?
06:03I'm trying to go for a pee.
06:05You cannot pee in the pool.
06:06This is against the rules.
06:07I don't want to pee in the pool, you idiot.
06:09Then why do you not go to the toilet like a normal person?
06:12I've been in there.
06:13Run it tapped.
06:14Now it's working.
06:15I've seized up.
06:17Get out of it, you little bastards.
06:20Hey!
06:21Stop it, you stupid children.
06:23Hey!
06:24Hey!
06:25Where are you going?
06:26Come back here, you crazy fat man.
06:28You cannot run around like a loony thing.
06:30This is ridiculous.
06:32Your dad's only got the clothes he's standing up in.
06:34You're talking off me, Grandad.
06:35Where is he?
06:36He said he needs to go for a wee.
06:38He said that at the airport, then on the plane, then on the coach.
06:41He ran in here.
06:42So he must have gone to the toilet.
06:44That were ages ago, darling.
06:46He's had time to do a shedload of other stuff as well as, you know, a wee.
06:51Do you want me to go and look for him?
06:52Oh, he's only been gone ten minutes.
06:54I don't think we need a search party just yet.
07:11Good news.
07:13They've found your cases.
07:14Where were they?
07:15On the other coach?
07:16No.
07:17I mean, yeah.
07:18I mean, I don't know.
07:19Well, the point is, they've found them.
07:21The bags.
07:22I mean, they won't be here for a few hours,
07:24but in the meantime, I could probably wangle you an upgrade on one of your rooms.
07:27Oh, lovely.
07:29They must know where they found them.
07:33Come here, you crazy man.
07:35You cannot pee on the guest.
07:36Dad, are you all right?
07:37What's wrong?
07:38I can't pee.
07:39I'm in terrible pain.
07:42Somebody call a doctor.
07:43Call a doctor and say what?
07:45I need to pee.
07:46Sharon.
07:47Sit down.
07:48Just sit down for a minute.
07:49I can't sit down.
07:50I'm going to explode.
07:52What's wrong with your granddad?
07:54Why is he going to explode?
07:56He's not.
07:57Oh, don't touch him.
07:58No, no, don't.
07:59Don't touch him when he gets angry.
08:00The thing is, Crystal, we have never had a holiday rep table in the Solana.
08:06And this idiot company, Benny Go Travel, is clearly run by delinquents.
08:14I see.
08:16You own Benny Go Travel.
08:18Well, what's happening?
08:24Sorry?
08:25A noise?
08:27No, I didn't hear anything this end.
08:30OK, Crystal.
08:33I will give Sam as much help as she needs.
08:38Adios.
08:52What is going on?
08:54Look what you have done, you crazy man.
08:56Look at the water.
08:58We would love to see you.
09:00We would love to see you.
09:02Typical.
09:05Come here.
09:06Dad, are you all right?
09:07Speak to me.
09:08Are you all right, Dad?
09:11Dad, mind all that glass.
09:13That's it, that's it.
09:14Here you go.
09:15You missed one.
09:18Oh.
09:19Move away, everybody, move away.
09:21There is still water leaking from the fish tank.
09:24That's not water from the fish tank, son.
09:28Oh.
09:30Oh.
09:33Oh, that's better.
09:43Not a single loss of life.
09:45No bother.
09:51Here we go.
09:52Lock up your daughters Benidorm, the boys are back in town.
09:55Yeah, man.
09:56Oh, here we go.
09:57All right, lads, do you need to check in?
09:59We certainly do.
10:00Tiger Dyke, Joey Ellis, two singles.
10:03I'm just holding the phone.
10:04That's right, that's right, we're both singles.
10:06If you have any kids, you should lock them up.
10:09I'm sorry?
10:10I mean daughters.
10:11Have you got a daughter?
10:12Because if you have, you should lock her up.
10:14Joey, no.
10:15What are you talking about?
10:16I've no idea what Sam and he said.
10:18Forget it.
10:19Right.
10:20We've got two kinds of holidays here in Benidorm.
10:22We've got your standard mental holiday
10:24or we've got mental, mental chicken oriental.
10:27Oh, put me down for the last one.
10:28Yeah, me as well.
10:29I love Chinese.
10:31OK.
10:33Checking in open just now,
10:34but if you make your way over to my desk,
10:36I'll talk you through a few trips we've got going
10:38and maybe give you boys a couple of cheeky welcome shots, yeah?
10:42Oh, let's do this.
10:43All the ladies in the house say whoa.
10:48Wow.
10:50Yeah, a drink would be lovely, thank you.
10:53Oh, thanks for that, pet.
10:54Sorry I was so long.
10:56Yes, gentlemen.
10:58Checking in.
10:59Not just yet, thanks.
11:01Woo!
11:04Get him in, get him in whilst we can.
11:06Welcome to the salon.
11:07Checking in.
11:08Get him out!
11:15All right.
11:16Enough with the air freshener.
11:17I've got my carbon footprint to think about.
11:19Says you spraying your hair with lacquer.
11:21This is a tool of my trade.
11:23I can smell most of your trade from the past three days in there.
11:26Cheeky get.
11:27I'm over 18.
11:28I can invite whoever I like into my boudoir.
11:30That's the point.
11:31This is not your boudoir, it's a hair salon.
11:34Look, I'm having problems with me flat at the moment.
11:38What sort of problems with your flat?
11:40I haven't got one.
11:41Kenneth, you can't live in the salon.
11:43Why not?
11:44Because you can't move for empty pot noodles and crispy tissues.
11:47That is a treatment room, not a bed sit.
11:49Look, why can't we have it as a bed sit at night
11:51and a treatment room during the day?
11:53Because the only treatment people would need going in there
11:55would be against impetigo.
11:57Impetigo?
11:58I thought that was a shade of purple.
12:03You need to get a flat.
12:05I can't afford another flat.
12:07I haven't got a penny to my name.
12:08Well, you can't sleep here.
12:10We haven't even got a window we can open.
12:12I admit it's not ideal.
12:14If it's not stag party singing blurred lines at three in the morning,
12:17it's 25 stone pensioners smashing into fish tanks.
12:20I haven't had a wink of sleep this morning.
12:26Hello.
12:27Any chance of a quick trim?
12:30Please, take a seat.
12:32Young Liam here will attend to your every wish.
12:34Just a bit off the sides and back, please.
12:37No problem.
12:39A lot of weather we've been having recently.
12:42What's that smell?
12:44Smell?
12:45It's like a cross between wet dogs and mouldy cheese.
12:54We were giving our back end a bit of an airing.
13:05Can I please go see my grandad?
13:07No, darling, he needs to rest.
13:11I could sing to him.
13:12That might make him feel better.
13:16No, best to be leaving.
13:19He's had a nasty fall.
13:21I don't think we're going to see much of him at all for the next couple of days.
13:24With a bit of luck.
13:26I've tried to convince him, but he won't see a doctor.
13:28Oh, he'll be all right. He's as tough as old boots, that one.
13:31Eh?
13:32What about this room? It's lovely, isn't it?
13:35Sharon, my 70-year-old dad just smashed headfirst into a massive fish tank.
13:39He's not 70, is he?
13:41He'll be 70 in December.
13:42You don't seem to be bothered.
13:44Of course I'm bothered.
13:45We'll have a nice party for him.
13:47I don't mean about him being 70, I mean...
13:49Hey, what's happened to my cases?
13:51I haven't got a stitch of clothing to wear.
13:53Grandad!
13:54Oh, don't be mithering me, Geordie, love.
13:57My back's killing me.
13:59Geordie, why don't you go and see if our Robert's ready to go down to the pool?
14:04What about me?
14:05How am I going to live at pool with no clothes?
14:07You've got the clothes you travelled in.
14:09They're soaking wet. I give them hotel to clean and dry.
14:12You can borrow a pair of my shorts.
14:13A pair of your shorts? What am I going to do with them?
14:16Put them on my head.
14:17Right, that's us all unpacked.
14:20I'll see you by the pool.
14:22What about me? What about my clothes?
14:25I'll go buy you some.
14:26You? I'm not letting you buy me clothes.
14:29I want something with a bit of style.
14:31Thanks.
14:34How did you get this room?
14:36You told me they were all the same.
14:38Well?
14:40Just look at the drawer, innit?
14:42Hmm.
14:52You two all right?
14:53Yeah. Yeah.
14:55Because I've got a surprise for you.
14:57What is it?
14:59It's not me granddad in one of your dresses, is it?
15:01No, I was going to tell you before, but...
15:05What do you mean, in one of my dresses?
15:07How could your granddad fit into one of my dresses?
15:10He couldn't. Carry on.
15:12Then where did you see it?
15:14He won't let me go and buy him clothes
15:16because he says I've got no style.
15:21I said, my dad won't...
15:23We heard you.
15:24Right. So he's asked if you want to go shopping for him.
15:27No.
15:28What's the surprise?
15:29What surprise?
15:30Well, somebody's coming to visit us.
15:33Coming where? To Benidorm?
15:35Yep.
15:36Today? Yep.
15:37Who?
15:38Is it Emily?
15:40Who's Emily?
15:41Emily, from school.
15:43You've met her loads of times.
15:45She always sings,
15:46All about the bass, about the bass, no treble.
15:48Oh, that Emily. No, not her.
15:50No, somebody who wasn't in Benidorm,
15:53but they've made a special journey
15:55to come all the way here and see us.
15:58Why are you doing that stupid game show voice?
16:01Is it someone we hate?
16:03Don't be silly. We don't hate anybody in this family.
16:06Oh, well, in that case, we'd get my dad some clothes.
16:08Hang on. I'm in the middle of something.
16:10Who is it?
16:12It's Nana Chase.
16:14Yeah.
16:15Nana Chase is coming to see us.
16:17A what? What's she coming here for?
16:20Rob, that's no way to speak about your Nana.
16:22Nana Chase isn't really like a Nana.
16:24Of course she is.
16:25She's my mummy, which makes her your Nana.
16:27I know she is.
16:29I said she's not like a Nana.
16:31She's more like an angry woman in a shop.
16:35What shop?
16:36Sex shop.
16:37Oi!
16:38Why didn't you tell us your mother was coming to Benidorm?
16:40Why? Why didn't you tell us?
16:42Why would you do that? Why?
16:44I just did.
16:45If I can put up with your father for a year,
16:47you can put up with my mother for 48 hours.
16:49Come on, Jodie, we're going shopping.
16:53Hey, hang on.
16:55He wants a full outfit for that, shoes and all.
16:58Where does he expect us to go shopping?
17:001965?
17:02He said he wants something jazzy and not boring.
17:08They won't be long.
17:10Won't they?
17:11Nah. Benidorm Joke Shop's only a couple of minutes away.
17:19There you go.
17:21It's taken years off you.
17:23You could pass for a man in his early 50s.
17:25I'm 48.
17:26I'm 48.
17:30Well, that'll be 12 euros, please.
17:33How did you know Herbert?
17:35Oh, poor Herbert.
17:38He was me uncle.
17:39Well, not by birth, but a very good friend of me mother's.
17:42I was Herbert's dentist.
17:44Bloody hell!
17:46So you were to blame.
17:48He only needed a few black ones
17:49and he would have been like a piano with the lid up.
17:51I did some of my finest work on Herbert's teeth.
17:54I didn't agree on the shade of white he favoured,
17:56but that was Herbert.
17:58Larger than life.
18:00I inherited them.
18:02You inherited what?
18:03The teeth.
18:04Herbert's teeth.
18:05He gave them to Kenneth in his will.
18:07Really? Yeah.
18:08As you can imagine, I was thrilled.
18:10Do you still have them?
18:11Oh, they're in a bank somewhere.
18:13I'm between the dresses at the moment.
18:15Um, I'll give you 50 euros for them.
18:20Well, I'm not sure I could part with them.
18:23They hold a great deal of sentimental value.
18:25Sentimental value? You said you were terrified of them.
18:28Shut up.
18:29100 euros?
18:30I couldn't.
18:31It'd be like losing a limb.
18:33150.
18:34How can you put a price on a smile?
18:36I just have.
18:37150 euros.
18:38No.
18:40Sorry.
18:41I put my uncle at 10 in his grave.
18:43Well, if you change your mind,
18:45I'm Stanley Keen.
18:46I have a dental practice in the old town.
18:48That's my number.
18:51Have a good day.
18:53No.
18:59Keen by name, keen by nature.
19:01Are you going to sell them?
19:03Not for 150 euros.
19:05It would go towards a deposit on a new flat.
19:08What's he want with them teeth?
19:11They wouldn't fit anyone else.
19:14Put the clothes sign up, Liam.
19:16It's time for the treasure hunt.
19:19You start on this one,
19:21and I'll start looking through my carrier bags.
19:23OK.
19:29Two orange juices.
19:31I have no idea how you crazy English people
19:33will keep up this level of fun for a whole week.
19:36Don't you worry about us, my friend.
19:38It's a marathon, not a sprint.
19:40Yeah, and we have our running shoes on,
19:42so lock up your family.
19:44Most of my family are already locked up.
19:46Hey, I can't believe they let you back in.
19:51Look after those boys for me, Mateo.
19:53I want them in tip-top condition for my pub crawl on Friday night.
19:57Why did you come here to work?
19:59Well, I heard you were still scrabbling around in the dirt
20:03on minimum wage in Benidorm,
20:05so I thought I'd come and watch.
20:07I am not scrambling with the dirt.
20:09I am senior barman.
20:10I am making more money than you.
20:12Oh, no, my friend.
20:13After all your many, many years in Benidorm,
20:16you must know how many scams and kickbacks holiday reps are on.
20:20Miss Temple Savage does not want you here.
20:22Good luck with your kick scams.
20:24You will be taking the sack before the end of the week.
20:27It's true.
20:28Temple Savage don't want me around.
20:30So that's why I'm here, to spread the wealth.
20:33The only thing you are good at spreading is your thunder thighs.
20:37How I have missed your wit and charm, Mateo.
20:40Oh, that reminds me.
20:42Nat sends her best.
20:44Nat?
20:45Yeah, my mate Natalie, who you went out with and proposed to.
20:49Maybe I should narrow it down a bit.
20:51Dark, petite, very girly.
20:54That's her I'm describing, not you.
20:57Natalie.
20:59Of course.
21:02Natalie.
21:04Of course.
21:06I was supposed to call her, but I lost my phone.
21:10Save it, dick for brains.
21:11Nobody cares.
21:13What did you want?
21:14I tell you what I want.
21:15A quiet life.
21:17So in the spirit of us all getting along, I'm giving you these.
21:23What are these?
21:24Discount coupons for some of the theme parks.
21:26Every time a punter uses one of them, you get a euro.
21:29This is some kind of trick.
21:31That's still your problem, isn't it, Mateo?
21:33What?
21:34Well, apart from being an old, greasy, leathery-faced failure,
21:38you still don't know a good thing when you see it.
21:54All right.
21:55Did you get something for me, Dad?
21:56Of course I did.
21:57Just give him it.
21:59Well?
22:00Well, what?
22:01What did you get?
22:02How much was it?
22:03Did he like it?
22:04Oh, bloody hell, what's this?
22:0520 questions.
22:06I don't know if he liked it.
22:07I'll just give him the bag.
22:08What was it?
22:09What did you get?
22:10Oh, for God's sake.
22:11I got him what he asked for.
22:12A jazzy, colourful, something he can wear during the day and night.
22:15Oh, right.
22:17Where's our Geordie?
22:18I wonder how long it would take you.
22:20She went and dicked your doughnut.
22:21Who?
22:22Kate's club.
22:23What the bloody hell's that?
22:25Well, oddly enough,
22:26it's a club in the hotel that's just...
22:28No, not that.
22:29That!
22:31Are you checking the piss?
22:33I'm sorry, Eddie.
22:34What the frig do you call this?
22:36It's what you asked for.
22:37Something colourful, jazzy, easy to wear.
22:40Jazzy?
22:41I look like Demis bloody Rousos.
22:43Oh, he'll still like him.
22:44Have you seen what she spent me money on?
22:46It don't look too bad.
22:49And what the frigging hell are these?
22:53That's it.
22:54Sit there and bloody laugh at me.
23:03Listen, Eddie, I got you exactly what you asked for,
23:06if you don't like...
23:08Oh, my God, you dirty sod!
23:11Oh! Oh, my God!
23:13Oh!
23:14You dirty, dirty, evil, smelly, rotten bugger!
23:19So, that's two euros makes you ten, and ten's your 20.
23:23Is that all right for you, Phyllis?
23:25Definitely.
23:27Oh, you look gorgeous!
23:29If only I was 50 or 60 years older.
23:34SHE LAUGHS
23:37SHE LAUGHS
23:55I found him!
23:57I found him!
24:00Did you hear me?
24:02I said I found the teeth!
24:07What?
24:08I've just been violated.
24:10Violated?
24:12By who?
24:13There was nobody here apart from Phyllis.
24:18You've been violated by Phyllis?
24:20What did she do, pull up a skirt and show you her ankle?
24:22She felt my bum.
24:26Are you on glue?
24:27I feel like a piece of meat.
24:29Oh, Liam!
24:30Phyllis is 90 and she's a day.
24:32The last thing she's going to do is look at you like a piece of meat.
24:36Not without her teeth in any way.
24:38Right.
24:39Talking of teeth, come on.
24:42We're off to see the dentist.
24:49Come on.
24:50I want to have a shower.
24:54Come on.
24:56Let's go before Phyllis comes back
24:58wearing something very revealing in Crete, does she?
25:01SHE LAUGHS
25:06I hope this is just a break you're going on.
25:08That salon is never open.
25:10Don't be envious, Joyce.
25:11Green was never your colour.
25:13It clashes terribly with your five o'clock shadow.
25:20All I'm saying, Leslie, is yes,
25:23it's not unusual for the Solana to put a rep into the hotel,
25:26but this Sam may not be all she seems.
25:31How do you mean?
25:33I mean...
25:35..she could be a rat.
25:37Really? Yes.
25:39That's surprising, because I'm not supposed to get on with rats.
25:42What with me being a pig.
25:44Sorry?
25:45Chinese zodiac. I'm the year of the pig.
25:48No, no, you don't understand.
25:50She could be a mole.
25:53A snake in the grass.
25:55There's a year of the snake, but I can't remember them being a mole.
25:59Will you shut up about the Chinese bloody zodiac?
26:03That new rep is an informant.
26:07Who's she informing?
26:09Crystal Hennessy Vass.
26:11But if we're not doing anything wrong,
26:13she's got nothing to inform her about, has she?
26:18Oh!
26:20Yes, pal?
26:25This is actually very comfortable.
26:28You look brilliant, Grandad. Like a big, fat, shining sun.
26:31All right. Less of the fat.
26:34You what? You're not wearing that all day, are you?
26:37Sharon said she'd go and get you something else, didn't you?
26:40It seems I'll be in that.
26:42You said they'd found my cases, so I should get them back today.
26:46Plus, they've got my clothes I was wearing when I ran into a fish tank.
26:50Mind you, I wish I'd not given them my underpants.
26:54The old gobstopper.
26:56The old gobstoppers are getting a bit sticky, if you know what I mean.
27:00Excuse me, excuse me.
27:02Everything all right?
27:04No, not really. What's happening with them cases?
27:06Cases?
27:07Yeah, my dad's cases. You said they'd found them.
27:09Did I?
27:11I mean, I did. I did say that.
27:13You said they won't be here for a few hours,
27:15but in the meantime you could wangle an upgrade on one of the rooms.
27:18Is that right? Wangle?
27:20So, your room is an upgrade.
27:24You said it was the luck of the draw.
27:26Right, I want that room.
27:28You can frig off.
27:29What we thought was, because you had the room upgrade last year...
27:32Bugger that, it's my cases that's gone missing.
27:35That room belongs to me.
27:36Well, you're not in that room, so that's the end of it.
27:39It's just that we're all unpacked now.
27:40You're lucky you've got something to unpack.
27:42What about me? Dressed as a living room curm
27:45with me knackers stuck to me legs.
27:47All right, no, that's enough.
27:50Oh, my days, what's your dad wearing?
27:52That's me grandad.
27:53Oh, my days, what's your grandad wearing?
27:55He smashed into a fish tank.
27:57Oh, that would explain it.
27:59So, you out of us tonight then, Robstar?
28:02Three single boys in, Benny.
28:04Who's Benny?
28:06Benidorm.
28:07Oh, right.
28:08Do you know what? I'm going to give it a miss tonight, lads,
28:10if that's all right with you.
28:11You're joking.
28:12We've all been counting down on Facebook for this night
28:14for the past six months.
28:16You know, sometimes I wish I could stay on my duvet all day.
28:19It's not a duvet, it's a caftan.
28:21Duvet, caftan, whatever.
28:23Sometimes you just want to kick back and lounge, innit?
28:26I don't know about kicking back, he's kicking off.
28:31Yeah, I'd better get back to them.
28:33See you later. We've got all week to go out, yeah?
28:35No worries, man.
28:36Hey, maybe we can get some caftans to go out in tonight.
28:40Joey, we're going out tonight to try and sleep with women.
28:43And what says sleep with me better than going out
28:46in something that looks like a duvet?
28:48Huh? You know I'm on to something.
28:53Yeah, a night out on your own if you can't be dressed like that.
29:01Yeah, all right, Mo.
29:03Yeah, I'll think about it. Cheers, love. Ta-ra.
29:07Who was it?
29:08Mo.
29:10You know Mo.
29:12No.
29:13You do. Mo.
29:15Flaming Mo. Big Mo.
29:17Slow Mo. Fly Mo.
29:19Mo. Mo from the old town.
29:21Kenneth, no matter how many words or phrases you put before or after the name,
29:24it won't change the fact I don't know anyone called Mo.
29:26He's that Moroccan barman from the pink trombone in the old town.
29:29I think his full name is Mohamed.
29:31Either that or Maureen.
29:33Anyway, he's moving in with his boyfriend and his flat's up for rent.
29:36He's giving me first refusal.
29:38Well, there you go. Perfect.
29:39Liam, how am I going to afford a two-bed flat in the old town?
29:43Oh, is it a two-bedder?
29:44Yeah. 500 a month plus another 500 deposit.
29:47Absolutely no chance.
29:48Well, you're selling your dead uncle's teeth for 150 euros.
29:51It's a start.
29:52Liam, do you mind?
29:54Sometimes you make me sound so insensitive.
29:57Almost uncaring.
29:58Sorry.
30:00Come on, give them scaredy-nashers.
30:02We're going in.
30:09And then she give me these and say if I hand them out, I will get money.
30:13Well, she's obviously on some sort of commission with the theme parks.
30:16Yes, I know this, but why is she giving this to me?
30:20Because she wants to get along with everyone.
30:22No. No way. I know her. She's a snake.
30:25Oh, don't you start as well.
30:27What?
30:28Nothing.
30:29Look, I don't know the last well, but I remember when she was here on holiday.
30:32She seems okay.
30:34No.
30:35No, my little makeup-wearing friend.
30:37I do not trust her and will be giving her the wider girth.
30:41And I suggest you give her one as well.
30:47Right, what's going on with my clothes?
30:50Well, judging by your current outfit, I'd say you've pretty much lost the plot.
30:54Not these clothes. The clothes I gave you to dry clean.
30:57You didn't give me any clothes to dry clean.
30:59Well, not you personally.
31:01I came out of my room and I gave me clothes to a member of staff walking down the corridor.
31:06And I told him I wanted them dry cleaned.
31:08Well, don't do dry cleaning.
31:10Well, where are me clothes?
31:12Okay, let's start from the beginning.
31:14Which member of staff did you give your clothes to?
31:19They were wearing red overalls and they had a badge saying Jesus.
31:23You gave your clothes to Jesus. He works in maintenance.
31:26He'll have gone home by now.
31:27Well, then where are me cases that went missing?
31:29Oh, well, you'll have to see your rep about that.
31:33No, bugger that. You just keep fobbing me off.
31:36I want my clothes.
31:38I'm not asking rep and I'm not asking Jesus. I'm asking you.
31:43Excuse me, is there a problem?
31:45Yes, there is. I want to know what's happened to me clothes.
31:49By the look of them, I'm not sure.
31:51An explosion in a paint factory?
31:53Not these clothes. The clothes in me suitcases.
31:57We don't have your clothes.
32:00I suggest you talk to your rep.
32:02If you can find her.
32:04Right, that's it.
32:06I can't see you in court because I'm suing you.
32:09Really?
32:10Right after we sue you for destroying hotel property,
32:14endangering the lives of hotel guests from flying glass,
32:17attempted murder on various tropical fish
32:20and peeing on our reception floor.
32:25You've not seen the last of me.
32:27Seen the last of you?
32:29Wearing that ridiculous outfit we can see you from the bloody moon.
32:37I don't think my nose can take much more today.
32:40What you need is a lovely relaxation foot massage
32:44and a cheeky manicure.
32:46You're right. That would be lovely.
32:56Argh!
32:58I must apologise for being a bit sentimental earlier, Kenny.
33:03It is Kenny, isn't it? Kenneth.
33:05The thing is, Kenny, I offered you far too much money.
33:09To anybody else, these teeth are worthless.
33:12However, I will give you 50 euros.
33:1650? You said 150 in the salon.
33:19Their market value is nil. Zero. Nada.
33:22It's just that they do represent my finest work.
33:26I mean, would Franz Harls want his laughing cavalier back?
33:30Would Whistler want his mother back?
33:33Hmm?
33:34I'm sorry, I don't know any of these people, or their mothers.
33:37You're not familiar with art, are you, Kenny?
33:39Actually, that's where you're wrong.
33:41My mother had quite an extensive art collection.
33:43Oh, really?
33:44Yes, including that one of the dogs sitting at the table playing cards
33:47and the Chinese woman with the green face.
33:49Well, then, you clearly know a work of art when you see one.
33:52So if they're a work of art, they must be worth money.
33:55But only to me.
33:57And luckily, that's who we're selling them to.
33:59So get your purse out.
34:01Well, I can offer you 60 euros.
34:04300.
34:05Oh, that is ridiculous.
34:06Come on, Liam, we're wasting our time here.
34:0870 euros.
34:09300 euros.
34:1075.
34:11250 euros, and that's me bottom line.
34:13Kenny, you're crazy.
34:14These teeth are worthless, and you said yourself you don't like them.
34:17Now, stop being greedy and give me back my work!
34:20Firstly, my name is not Kenny, it's Kenneth.
34:23And secondly, if you want my uncle's teeth,
34:25you'll have to get your snorkel out, cos I'm throwing these in the sea.
34:28What? You can't do that!
34:29Very let's see, very dignified, whatever it would have wanted.
34:32I cannot let you throw these teeth in the sea.
34:34I will not let you do that!
34:35Give it to me!
34:36Get off the man!
34:37Give it to me!
34:38No!
34:39Get off!
34:40I need your polities!
34:42Get off!
34:43Give it to me!
34:44Get off the man!
34:45Give it to me!
34:46No!
34:47Give it to me!
34:48No!
35:00Worthless to anyone but you.
35:03Oh, Stanley.
35:05You little liar.
35:08MUSIC PLAYS
35:16MUSIC CONTINUES
35:222.53, 3.50, 1,400 euros.
35:28Can't believe in all this time you had no idea half those teeth were solid gold.
35:32I was hardly going to take them out of the box and try them for size.
35:35Your Uncle Herbert did look after you in the end.
35:371,400 euros. Small change to him.
35:39Don't be ungrateful. It's more money than anyone's ever given me.
35:42You've got a point.
35:44Cheers, Uncle Herbert.
35:45To Uncle Herbert.
35:46Uncle Herbert.
35:51And now, thanks to him, you get your dream flat in the old town.
35:54I've been thinking about that.
35:55There's no way I'm going to be able to afford a flat on my own.
35:58Not long term.
35:59So get a flat, mate.
36:00Who's going to share with me?
36:01Someone who likes you.
36:03Someone who's tidy and can encourage you to be more tidy.
36:07Somebody trustworthy.
36:09Good fun.
36:10Someone you like being around.
36:13You've just ruled out most of the people at the drink with.
36:16This calls for a list to be drawn up.
36:26WHISTLE BLOWS
36:30You all right?
36:31Yeah, we're staying here for at least half an hour.
36:33Yeah, yeah, sweet.
36:34I'm going to nip back to the Solana.
36:36I'll be back. Bit of business.
36:38Yeah, no worries.
36:40CHEERING
36:42Where's she going?
36:44Those glow sticks and that whistle, I'd say the late 1980s.
36:47How you been getting on?
36:49Not bad. Chatted to a nice girl, but she was, like, 18.
36:52What's wrong with that?
36:53No good, mate. You never get past first base.
36:56I need a woman with a bit more experience.
36:59An older woman spoke to me at that other bar. She was nice.
37:02How much older?
37:03Too old, mate. I'd say in her 40s.
37:06You never say no to an older woman.
37:08Really? Yeah.
37:09You know about a woman's sexual peak?
37:11Is that when she has a sneaky look at your knob?
37:13What?
37:14No, no, not that kind of peak.
37:16A woman is at her sexual peak at around 40 years of age.
37:20Seriously? You look like Loretta, then.
37:22Loretta?
37:23Ooh, that is the name of one dirty lady.
37:27Show me the one.
37:28Mate, if that's what you're into, you should go for it.
37:31She looked like she was on her own as well.
37:33Oh, hang on a minute. There she is.
37:35Loretta, may I introduce my friend Tiger?
37:39Hello, Tiger.
37:41Tiger was just saying he's absolutely mad for an older woman.
37:45Oh, no offence.
37:47No offence taken, Joey. None whatsoever.
37:50Same again, boys?
37:51Yeah, nice one.
37:52No introduce for me and a pint for Tiger.
37:55Coming up, boys.
37:58Joey, she's about 100.
38:00100? Seriously?
38:02Well, not 100, but, you know, a heck of a lot older than late 30s.
38:06I've always been rubbish at guessing people's age.
38:08Plus, it was dark over at the other side of the club.
38:11Still, look on the bright side, she's getting the drinks in.
38:15True.
38:27MUSIC PLAYS
38:37Just like this understanding, the cases weren't yours,
38:40but if you just write down all the items of clothing, footwear,
38:43toiletries, electrical goods, everything that was in your case
38:46on the left-hand side and next to it, how much it were worth.
38:49All right, but it's going to add up, this lot, you know.
38:52Add up skimp on my clobber.
38:54Yeah, I can see that.
38:56Anyway, the Solana group have admitted full responsibility,
38:59so we should settle your claim before the end of the holiday.
39:02And so you should.
39:03Oh, and they don't usually do this,
39:05but I got them to give you an emergency payment of 100 euros
39:08to buy a new outfit to keep you going.
39:11Just sign there for it and I'll get that processed as soon as possible.
39:15Thank you, sweetheart. You've done me proud.
39:18Have a good one.
39:22I might lose my cases a bit more often from now on.
39:26Grandad, people are still laughing at your dress.
39:29They're not laughing at your grandad's dress, darling.
39:31They're laughing at your grandad's caftan.
39:33Men don't wear dresses.
39:35Evening.
39:36Some men wear dresses,
39:38but your grandad is wearing a caftan that looks like a dress.
39:42Oh, very funny, Sharon.
39:44But, you know, I'll have the last laugh when I get my compensation claim.
39:47What are you going to do in the meantime?
39:49I can't wear that every day.
39:51Of course not. I'm going to get myself a pair of speedos tomorrow.
39:55So when I'm not wearing my caftan, I'll be wearing those.
39:58Or maybe a nice leopard-skin thong.
40:04Listen, would you lot mind if I went out with Tiger and Joey tonight?
40:07I told them I was staying here, but as my nana isn't coming in till tomorrow now...
40:10Yeah, you go out, son.
40:12If you end up in one of them dodgy bars with you all
40:14doing shots out of a stripper's belly button, give us a shout.
40:17I might join you.
40:19Joke. Obviously, just a joke.
40:21Not my kind of thing. I can't stand shots.
40:23Right. See you all later.
40:25Oh, don't be late. I won't. They'll be really, really early.
40:28And be careful. Yeah.
40:31I can shadow him if you like.
40:34You what?
40:36You know, following from a discreet distance,
40:38so he don't get into any bother.
40:40A discreet distance? Just as a large child's do be.
40:44I think you look great, Grandad.
40:46You makes me happy every time I look at you.
40:48Well, then, we're equal, my darling.
40:50Every time I look at you, you make me very happy.
40:53And to show you how happy you make me, Grandad,
40:55I'm going to sing you a song.
40:57Oh.
40:59Oh, I didn't realise you were that happy.
41:01I tell you what, darling, why don't you wait a few days?
41:04Because you know that thing you get on the aeroplane
41:07where you can't hear anything? Yeah.
41:09Well, I've got that, and I should hate to miss it, darling.
41:13Truly, I would.
41:14You never mentioned your ears when you got off the plane.
41:17Pardon?
41:20I tell you, man, she's all right.
41:22Leslie, you do not know her.
41:24She was always making trouble for me and my girlfriend Natalie.
41:27Or was she just trying to protect her
41:29because you were already married?
41:31Which side are you on, huh?
41:33I'm on nobody's side, I'm just saying we should give her a chance.
41:37Here you go.
41:39Ten euros.
41:43What is this?
41:45From the coupons I gave you today. The flyers.
41:48What trick are you playing, huh?
41:50I threw those flyers away.
41:52No, you didn't.
41:54What?
41:56You threw them next to the computer on the reception.
41:59I put them on the desk.
42:01Well, whatever.
42:02Obviously, ten people used them for the various theme parks
42:05and you get one euro commission for each one.
42:07It's not a fortune, but over a month it can add up to quite a nice bonus.
42:11I'll get some for you too, Leslie. Well, that's if you want some.
42:14Oh, aye, champion.
42:16Right, that is me finally knocking off for tonight.
42:19Time for a drink with your Liam.
42:21See you later.
42:27So, are we all agreed
42:29that we're going to do the best we can
42:31to get Crystal to remove this annoying holiday rep?
42:35No, she's great. No way.
42:39I think she'll do really well here.
42:41Yes, great, how do you say, addition to the team.
42:47Right, I see.
42:49Well, that's that decided, then.
42:59I'm sorry we've not been around. We had a busy day, didn't we, Kenneth?
43:03Yeah, been run ragged. Never known anything like it.
43:06I was just saying, it's great having Sam working at the Solana.
43:09Yeah, great.
43:11Oh, it's no good.
43:14I've texted everyone. Fat Phil, Andy from the gym,
43:17Leslie Trish, Coco, both the Bee Gees and Olly Murs.
43:19None of them are looking for a flat share.
43:21I think you need to start looking a bit closer to home.
43:23What are you talking about? We all live in Benidorm.
43:25No, no, much closer to home, like this table.
43:30Oh, Sam, are you looking for somewhere to live?
43:33No, not her, for God's sake, Kenneth, me.
43:36You? You'd never live with me.
43:39Well, let's try it. I love me dad, but I can't live with him forever.
43:42He needs his space. So do I.
43:45Are you serious? I'm serious.
43:47You're messy but a great cook.
43:49I've got OCD and can burn a salad with a perfect match.
43:52Flatmates? It's true.
43:54I can't make a pan of scouser. I'd make a grown man cry.
43:57Flatmates!
43:59And the first month's rent is on me. Well, Uncle Herbert.
44:02Bloody hell, I wish I had an uncle like that.
44:04Oh, he doesn't know about it.
44:06We pulled out his gold teeth and sold them at the indoor market.
44:10To Uncle Herbert. Thank you.
44:13Uncle Herbert.
44:27Joey!
44:30What are you doing?
44:37I've been looking everywhere for you.
44:39Sorry, mate, my phone's dead and Tiger's absolutely smashed on short.
44:42You've not been sucking them outstrippers' bellybuttons, I hope?
44:45No, mate, but the woman we've met would definitely let you do it.
44:48Amazing.
44:51Yeah, she's too old for Tiger, but she's pissed. Pissed.
44:55What's the word? Pissed out of her mind?
44:58No. Persistent.
45:00You're a rat.