According to Jim
  • 4 months ago
Transcript
00:00♪
00:28Um...
00:30um...
00:36Um...
00:47¡Hostia!
00:48Pero ¿qué coreo haces?
00:49¡Vas a cerrar el hotel!
00:52Madre mía!
00:54¡Joder!
00:56¿Estás estúpido? ¿Y tu padre dónde está?
00:59¿Va a perder el trabajo por esto?
01:01¡Vete, vete ya!
01:02¡Ve a jugar con la muñeca!
01:03Blaswell, is there any need?
01:05I know he's just a child,
01:07but if he cannot do the job, he should not be working.
01:09I'm not talking about that. I'm talking about all the shouting.
01:11I'm trying to kip here.
01:12Look. Look what baby Jesus has done.
01:17I think that's fabulous.
01:19Gay pride next month.
01:20I think all the hotels should do that.
01:22Really?
01:26Maybe not.
01:30No!
01:32No!
01:44Thank you, team, for holding the fort so far.
01:46I'm going to make this brief.
01:47Yes, we have had an illegal ten-year-old woman
01:52Yes, we have had an illegal ten-year-old worker
01:56pour weed killer into the filtration system of the swimming pool.
02:00But we are not going to let this spoil our guests' holidays.
02:04Why is baby Jesus illegal?
02:06It's because he's ten.
02:08I knew something like this would happen eventually.
02:11Where is Jesus?
02:12Apparently, he's everywhere.
02:14Jesus!
02:15Bless you!
02:17If you're just going to make infantile jokes, you may as well leave.
02:20I'm only here to find out
02:21why our water's been turned off for the last three hours.
02:23As we have no idea into which pipes baby Jesus poured the weed killer,
02:27the entire hotel will have to be evacuated.
02:31What?
02:32That's a pity we didn't get that time.
02:33Quiet!
02:34Silencio!
02:36Right, as I was saying,
02:37all the guests will have to be evacuated
02:39until the hotel gets a clean bill of health.
02:41Why did you not eradicate them three hours ago?
02:44We've been stalling our guests in the reception area
02:46because I thought we may have sorted things out by now,
02:49but apparently we need someone from the council to give us a thumbs up.
02:54How long will that take?
02:56Oh, Jesus.
03:06Why don't we all go for a walk?
03:07Tiger and Joey went on a mountain walk last year.
03:10Walk up a mountain?
03:12Trying to kill me on last day of my holiday.
03:14What about the beach?
03:15Covered in sand,
03:16painful sunbeds with no shade.
03:18We could go to the zoo.
03:20I hate zoos.
03:21A lot of stinky, miserable animals staring at outside world,
03:25wishing they could escape.
03:26I know how they feel.
03:30The good news is I've been on the phone to Andre,
03:34the manager of the Benidorm Circus,
03:37and I've arranged for all our guests to spend the whole afternoon there.
03:42Oh, oh goodness.
03:45How do I cancel this?
03:46Savage, what the hell is going on?
03:48Crystal, what a lovely surprise.
03:52How are you?
03:52Are you trying to close me down?
03:55Oh, no, no, I was just moving the laptop so I could see you properly.
03:59I'm talking about my hotel.
04:04I'm sorry, Crystal, I have no idea what you mean.
04:06Weed killer in the swimming pool, child labour, hotel guests rioting.
04:11Good news travels fast, Savage,
04:14but gossip travels at the speed of light.
04:16I must admit, the swimming pool is temporarily out of commission.
04:21I don't remember the guests rioting.
04:24CROWD CHANTING
04:27OK, Savage, I understand that accidents happen,
04:31but my patience is wearing thin.
04:34The hotel won't be safe until early evening,
04:37but in a flash of inspiration,
04:40we're taking our guests to the Benidorm Circus.
04:43Well, you certainly have no shortage of clowns.
04:46Um, I have everything under control, Crystal.
04:48Well, I hope you do, because if you mess this up,
04:51not only will I get rid of you,
04:52but that bumbling, hapless rabble of simpletons who work for you
04:56will also be on scrapheap.
04:57I will close the Solana down for a month and totally rebrand.
05:02You can't do that.
05:03Just watch me, Savage, because you can guarantee I'll be watching you.
05:08Oh!
05:11Oh!
05:13Mr Presavage, who are the mumbling simpletons?
05:16Perhaps we could be getting rid of them for you.
05:19Oh!
05:20You'd better get out of here now,
05:22or these people are going to tear this hotel apart.
05:24Come on, everyone, out!
05:31WHISTLE BLOWS
05:33Ladies and gentlemen, I'm thrilled to announce,
05:37to make up for the slight technical problems we've had today,
05:41I have secured a free trip
05:43to the world-famous Benidorm Circus.
05:48Have you got enough clowns in here already?
05:50Yes, you're not the first to say that.
05:51No, I bet.
05:53As well as the sensational entertainment,
05:56we are also laying on free luxury coach travel.
06:01There's no water.
06:02Complimentary refreshments will be provided.
06:04No, no, I don't mean water to drink, I mean in the rooms.
06:07I need a shower.
06:08Yeah, he really does.
06:13Oh, look, I think the first of the complimentary luxury coaches
06:18are arriving now.
06:20Wonderful timing.
06:21All aboard now, please, all aboard.
06:23Can all the people that haven't had a shower
06:26get on the same coach, please?
06:29Very amusing.
06:32Look, team, I'll admit, at the moment, the chips are down,
06:37but if it can get through today,
06:38we can get through just about anything.
06:41Or, as my husband used to say,
06:43just when you thought it couldn't get any harder,
06:46life shoves another finger up your bum.
06:51Joyce, Joyce, I came as soon as I heard.
06:55Monty, what are you doing here?
06:57Please, I know you're angry with me.
06:59I just want to help.
07:00Monty, if you really want to help, then go away.
07:08But, Joyce...
07:09So, what's it going to be, circus or your mother's hotel?
07:12Never a dull moment here, is there?
07:15Some lads put Weedkiller in the swimming pool.
07:17Yeah, circus sounds fun.
07:19And I bet all them coaches have got air con.
07:21Yeah. Come on.
07:24Circus?
07:37Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the Benidorm Circus.
07:44Feel free to luxuriate in the cool,
07:47air-conditioned ambience of our luxury coach
07:50for a few minutes, and I'll let them know we're here.
07:55Mateo, would you like to join me?
07:58Not me.
08:00Mateo, would you like to join me?
08:02Mateo, would you like to join me?
08:04Mateo, would you like to join me?
08:06No. I want to urinate in the cool, air-conditioned ambience
08:09of the luxury coach.
08:10Move yourself.
08:12OK, OK.
08:16OK, thank you for your patience, ladies and gentlemen.
08:19We reckon the best thing to do now is just hang fire for a bit
08:22while we get inside and see how the lad lies, OK?
08:26Right, bitches, chill your boots here for a bit
08:28while I go and touch up a few clowns,
08:31as I've not had any other offers this week.
08:36Mate, you've either got to go for that or tell her it's not happening
08:40and put her out of her misery.
08:41Mate, I want to say something to you,
08:43but I don't want you to take the piss.
08:46I'm just not into one-night stands, you know.
08:49Just for the sake of them.
08:51Right.
08:52You think I'm weird, don't you?
08:54No, mate.
08:55Although we haven't really had a lot of choice in this holiday.
08:57True.
08:58Although if you shag Rob's grandma again,
09:01then technically it won't be a one-night stand,
09:03it'll be more of an affair.
09:07Jokes.
09:13You are Joyce?
09:14Yes!
09:15Welcome, Joyce.
09:16I am Andre, we spoke on the phone.
09:19Welcome to the Benidorm Circus.
09:22Apologies, my belt is very loose.
09:25My trousers, they keep falling down.
09:27I don't have the underwear.
09:29We would not want the accident to happen.
09:33Would we?
09:35No, we wouldn't.
09:37Andre, I can't tell you what this means to us,
09:39we've had an absolute disaster.
09:40You are literally saving the day.
09:43Yes, it's not a problem,
09:44especially for such a beautiful lady.
09:47What time is the show?
09:48Beg your pardon?
09:49What time is the show?
09:50Who's this?
09:51This is Matteo, he works for me.
09:54Show is 6pm, every Sunday.
09:56No, no, he means what time is the show today?
09:59Today?
10:00Yes.
10:01What time is the show today?
10:03Right, what are we doing?
10:04People are getting at your feet.
10:06Andre, you said I could bring our guests up here to the circus.
10:11When you called me,
10:12you just asked if I had room for your hotel guests.
10:15You said nothing about show.
10:17No way, man, you're joking.
10:18What do you think I wanted to do?
10:20Sit them all in an empty tent for the afternoon?
10:23Are the Aldanis still here?
10:25The flying Aldanis?
10:27No, they left some time ago.
10:29Madame Fuego?
10:30The fire eater?
10:31No.
10:31Elvira, the bitter lady?
10:33Sorry, instead of going through the entire list of your ex-shags,
10:37why don't we ask who is here
10:38and if they're willing to put on a show for us?
10:40I hate to say this, but that's a very good idea.
10:42Aye, if we don't do something, there's going to be a mutiny.
10:45You can knock on the trailer doors,
10:47but the circus performers, they do not speak good English
10:50or whatever language he is speaking.
10:52Luckily I brought Matteo.
10:54Even less speak Spanish.
10:55As they say in my country, bienes beneches.
11:01What are we going to do?
11:03You try and get some acts together
11:05and we'll herd that lot into the tent.
11:06Right, Nev?
11:07Aye, ni modo.
11:10How are you with sign language?
11:12Sign language?
11:15Oh.
11:18Charming.
11:19Somehow I don't think that's going to help us.
11:22Hey, everybody!
11:23Let's move it out!
11:25Thank you!
11:33It's exciting, isn't it?
11:39All these years in Benidorm, I've never been to the circus.
11:42My mother, who was a magician's assistant,
11:44worked in the circus when I was in my final year at school.
11:48She'd often come home covered in sawdust.
11:53Mind you, she was having an affair
11:54with my woodwork teacher as well at the time,
11:58so you never quite knew where she'd been.
12:00Liam, what have I told you about getting so excited?
12:04Oh, sorry, Kenny.
12:06I was saying to Jacqueline,
12:07all these years and I've never been to the Benidorm circus.
12:09Oh, I have.
12:10It's brilliant, incredible, really amazing.
12:13Liam, what's wrong?
12:16Well, nothing.
12:17I just haven't heard from my dad today.
12:19Well, he's travelling back this afternoon, isn't he?
12:21Yeah.
12:24Bit dead, isn't it?
12:25There's more bloody atmosphere at Aunt Moon.
12:27Looks amazing on the internet.
12:29Five-star reviews.
12:31Got a bit of music on while we're waiting.
12:33The circus once came to our school when I was a kid.
12:36I say a circus, it was a man and a goat.
12:39The man was dressed as a cowboy
12:42and the goat was wearing one of them neckerchief things.
12:47And?
12:48And what?
12:49Well, was that it?
12:51Well, they allowed us to stroke the goat
12:54and then as a finale, the bloke bent over
12:57and the goat stood on his back.
13:00Bloody hell, where was this circus?
13:021930s Russia?
13:04No, I told you.
13:05They came to our school.
13:08Are you going to answer that or what?
13:09No, it'll be that solicitor again.
13:12What solicitor?
13:13Vultures picking over Ron Pickford's bones.
13:15What are they ringing you for, Grandad?
13:17Well, he had no family
13:19and I was the only friend in his phone book
13:21that was still alive.
13:22He might have left you a fortune.
13:24He had nothing.
13:26In fact, he had less than nothing.
13:28He got more debt than Lenny Bishop.
13:30Who's Lenny Bishop?
13:31Somebody with less debt than Ron Pickford.
13:34Obviously.
13:35Yeah, and I don't want him coming after me for it.
13:38I don't think you can be liable for somebody else's debt
13:40if you're not related to them, Grandad.
13:42You can be liable for a smack in the gob
13:44if you don't turn that bloody ringer off.
13:46I'd sooner listen to this than your whining voice any day.
13:50Do you want me to put it on silent for you, Grandad?
13:52Rob, your nana gets on everybody's nerves.
13:54There's no need to refer to her as it.
13:57All right, thank you.
13:58Save the comedy for the clowns.
14:01We ever see any.
14:03You ever been to a circus before?
14:05No, man.
14:06I'm excited.
14:07Have you?
14:08Yeah, when I was really little.
14:09All I remember is this geezer put his head in a lion's mouth.
14:13Not very impressive, is it?
14:14Are you joking?
14:15Well, no.
14:16A lion's mouth is massive, isn't it?
14:18It'd be much more impressive if he could put his head in, say,
14:22a rabbit's mouth.
14:23But his head wouldn't fit?
14:25Exactly.
14:26Much more impressive.
14:37So you're at the Geordie Bar?
14:38Aye, for me sins.
14:40Don't think I've ever been in there.
14:42Eh, we do a crack in breakfast.
14:44I prefer breakfast in bed.
14:49So what's going on with Les in the UK?
14:52Oh, I think he's just gone home to sort out a few financial matters.
14:56It's good of you to step in for him.
14:57Aye, well, we're Geordie's stick together.
14:59Oh, yeah, you'll never walk alone and all that.
15:02That's Liverpool.
15:04Is it?
15:05Oh, what's the song for Newcastle?
15:06No, don't tell me.
15:07I know it.
15:09Blue Moon?
15:10Man City.
15:11Oh, right.
15:13I'm forever blowing bubbles.
15:16No, that were Michael Jackson, weren't it?
15:19It's Local Hero.
15:21Never heard of it.
15:22Oh, it makes me laugh the way grown men get all tied into knots about
15:25kicking an inflated bag of leather around a glorified school playing field.
15:30I'm sorry?
15:31Well, it's usually men who take the piss out of girls for crying at sad films.
15:35But when their team loses, they're bawling their eyes out.
15:37It's not life or death.
15:39It's just a game.
15:42Are you all right?
15:44Or perhaps if women tried to understand what it's like to commit your life,
15:48your soul, your very existence to the agony and torture,
15:51the nerve-shredding heartbreak of devoting every single fibre of your being to your home team,
15:57then maybe, just maybe,
15:59they might begin to scratch the surface of why calling football just a game
16:05can cause a grown man to smash up his own bar,
16:08throw all his programmes and memorabilia,
16:10including a signed picture of Paul Gascoigne into a skip,
16:14and then set fire to the lot and collapse onto the ashes,
16:18crying endless Newcastle bronio after losing 8-0 at home to Sheffield Wednesday.
16:28I was just about to say that.
16:41Hello.
16:43Hello.
16:44Sorry for intruding.
16:45We're looking for performers.
16:48Habla espanol?
16:49No.
16:50He does not speak Spanish.
16:52How's he working in Spain and not even bothering to learn the language?
16:58What are we going to do?
16:59Because he clearly doesn't speak English either.
17:18Trovate le sorelle la voie, con la caravana li.
17:22Grazie.
17:23Prego.
17:24He cannot help except to try the la voie sisters in that caravan.
17:27I didn't know you could speak Italian, Matteo.
17:29I didn't know you couldn't.
17:31Actually, I say I did not know, I could have guessed.
17:41Hola.
17:43Hablas espanol?
17:44Uh, no.
17:45Je parle français.
17:46Ah oui.
17:47On travaille dans un hôtel local.
17:48On a besoin d'un spectacle cet après-midi.
17:52Non, pas vraiment parce que je fais un numéro d'équi avec ma soeur et elle est pas là.
17:55Tu peux peut-être faire des équilibres sur moi, non?
17:58Regarde, je suis musclé.
18:00Vas-y, touche.
18:03Ah ouais, c'est vrai, disons que t'es musclé.
18:07Mais en vrai, je pense pas que j'aurais le droit de faire des équilibres avec toi.
18:10Pourquoi?
18:11Qu'est-ce qui t'en empêche?
18:12Ton patron, André?
18:13Mon mari, Hercule.
18:17Oh, merde!
18:31Hola.
18:32Hablas espanol?
18:34Ich bin Deutsche.
18:34Ah, Deutsche.
18:37Alles klar.
18:42Wir sind von einem lokalen Hotel und brauchen dringend Künstler,
18:45die heute Nachmittag ihr eigenes Programm aufführen können.
18:47Kannst du uns helfen?
18:48Arbeitest du an deinem freien Tag?
18:50Nein.
18:54Mateo, how many languages do you speak?
18:58Wait.
18:59Bean?
19:01Bean!
19:06Bean!
19:08Mateo, what the fuck are you doing around here, you asshole?
19:12I cannot believe it.
19:13I thought you were dead.
19:14Thanks.
19:15You look like a bucket of shite yourself.
19:17No, I mean someone told me you died.
19:20I die on a regular basis.
19:22Every Sunday at six o'clock.
19:26I blame the audiences.
19:28Ficken philistines!
19:30Why are you in costume and makeup?
19:32You know there is no show today.
19:34If I want to sit here dressed as Marie Ficken and Trinette, I will do.
19:40It's my life.
19:41Anyway, there's no point in washing it all off.
19:44We have another show at the end of the week.
19:48We need to put on a show, but none of the acts will help us.
19:52What the feck makes you think I'm gonna feckin help you?
19:56First of all, who the feck are you?
19:59And second of all, and third of all...
20:04Please, Bean, we need your help.
20:06No means no.
20:08Now feck off and leave me in peace.
20:10What if we got you another drink?
20:12What kind of drink?
20:13Another big bottle of that yummy, scrummy Irish whiskey.
20:17How big?
20:18Twice as big as that one.
20:21When would I get it?
20:23I'll send somebody for it now.
20:26Right, let's get this feckin show on the road.
20:28Follow me!
20:29Come on!
20:34Oh, I'm getting a numb bum.
20:36There's something else going on in Benidorm this afternoon.
20:40Oh yeah, what's that?
20:41It's the Benidorm Swingers Association biannual wife swap and finger buffet.
20:48Oh, I think I'll pass, thanks.
20:50Oh, they've got a great band on.
20:53Donald and I met them at the palace.
20:55Yeah, I think I'll just stay here.
20:56They're giving out candy floss now.
20:58Hang on, what palace?
21:00Oh, Donald and I got invited to Buckingham Palace a few years ago
21:05and there was this terrific band playing,
21:08so we recommended them to the BSA.
21:11What was you and Donald doing in Buckingham Palace?
21:13Oh, we got invited to the Diamond Jubilee
21:16after meeting the Queen of Denmark in a brothel in Amsterdam.
21:21Well, they said it was the Queen of Denmark.
21:31Oh, I was just coming to look for you.
21:33I see you've pulled.
21:35Sick of.
21:36Charmed, I'm sure.
21:37This is Bean, he's going to help us put on a show.
21:39No, he's not the fire eater.
21:41He'll burn for the rest of the week.
21:43Feck off.
21:44Yeah, I think you already said that.
21:46Joyce!
21:47Goodness sake, Monty, how many more times?
21:50Go away, I'm busy.
21:51No, you don't understand.
21:53I wanted to take you up the Junty Mento.
21:56Monty, please, we've been through this.
21:58I think he means the down hall.
22:01Oh.
22:02Anyway, I went up there on my own.
22:03I got a couple of old friends to pull a few strings
22:06and they're going to speed up the inspection of the Salona.
22:08You did that for me?
22:10Of course.
22:11Who's getting my feckin' whiskey?
22:13We will get your whiskey.
22:14First, we need to find some more acts.
22:16There are no other acts.
22:18We can hardly put on a show with just one clown.
22:21One pickle clown.
22:22Feck off.
22:26There's enough of us here to do a show.
22:28Mateo, do you remember Elena?
22:30Of course, we were engaged to be married.
22:32Well, I'll make the feckin' rest of them.
22:34Do you remember the knife-throwing act she was in?
22:36Si, claro, I saw it a thousand times.
22:38Then we're good to feckin' go.
22:40Come on.
22:40What are you doing?
22:41We're putting on a show.
22:42Who is putting on show?
22:44We are.
22:44These people cannot perform in big top.
22:47Only professional circus act.
22:49Come on, ignore him.
22:50He's a feckin' idiot.
22:51I am warning you, Bean.
22:52I will not let this happen.
22:54Do you understand me?
22:55And I'm warning you, Terry.
22:57Unless you want greater Manchester police
23:00crawling all over this tent like ants on a shitheap
23:03looking for Terrence Goblin,
23:04the fleet would flash her.
23:06I'd keep your big trap shut.
23:08You're having a laugh.
23:09She wouldn't bloody dare.
23:11Try me.
23:12Now stop being a dick and get out of my way.
23:18Straight ahead, I'll meet you backstage in five.
23:21We're just going knocking a few more doors.
23:23Come on.
23:34Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls.
23:40Welcome to the Solana Circus.
23:46In tonight's show, we have the um...
23:50Excuse me.
23:51What are you doing?
23:52You're not on yet.
23:58Get off, please.
24:04Get off.
24:11I said off.
24:14Off you go.
24:17What, are you going to stay there?
24:19No funny business.
25:34No, no, thank you.
25:49Come on, do not be boring.
25:51Who are you calling boring?
25:52That's my wife you're talking to.
25:54I'll help you out, mate.
25:55What are you doing?
25:56You only live once, son.
26:01No, not you.
26:02Oh, all right.
26:09Hey, here we go.
26:13Hey, what's going on here?
26:17Look at this.
26:18Oh, try me.
26:24Os, vamos.
26:42All right, all right.
26:42You're both a bit of fun.
26:44Get me off this frigging board.
26:54Oh, what are you trying to do, give me a heart attack?
27:06Oh, Jesus Christ.
27:53Oh, Jesus Christ.
28:23Joyce.
28:34It's all done.
28:35What?
28:36You can go back to the hotel.
28:37You've got a clean bill of health.
28:38But they said it could take up to eight havers.
28:40I've used up just about every favour I had going at the town hall.
28:45You're worth it, Joyce.
28:46Oh, Monty.
28:54Anything for you, Joyce, anything.
29:16As you can see, Crystal, in the grand scheme of things,
29:19we turned what could have been a disaster into a wonderful trip to the circus.
29:24But I suppose I should let you be the judge of that.
29:27I'd never sit in judgment of you, Savage.
29:29What kind of a boss do you think I am?
29:31Well, that's very kind of you.
29:33No, I'll let everyone else do that.
29:35Sorry?
29:36A questionnaire will be emailed from my office in the next 10 minutes,
29:39and I want every guest to fill out the form when they check out.
29:44Now, if I find that the majority of our guests
29:47have not had the holiday of a lifetime, you are out.
29:51Do you understand?
29:52Yes, Crystal.
29:54Will that be all, Crystal?
29:56Oh, no.
29:56I'm going on a six-week transatlantic cruise, and I need a valet.
30:00You need someone to clean your car.
30:02No, you idiot.
30:03I need a butler, a steward, a man who can...
30:09I'm not sure we've got anyone suitable for that, Crystal.
30:13Oh, I think you do.
30:17MUSIC
30:22Thank you, Neville.
30:24Well, I really don't know how to thank you, Monty.
30:28Well, I'm sure we can find a way.
30:30For goodness sake, Monty, do you think of nothing else?
30:33I'm sorry.
30:35I was just about to ask you if you'd let my nephew sing in Neptune's.
30:39Oh, sorry.
30:40Well, on any other night, Monty, it wouldn't have been a problem,
30:43but I really do have to pull out all the stops tonight.
30:46If I don't give these people the best night of their lives,
30:50I'm out of my ear.
30:52Sorry, but did I overhear you need a band for tonight?
30:56I'm sorry?
31:01Should be out and about.
31:02Is that last night?
31:03Out and about where?
31:04I don't know, anywhere.
31:06I'm going nowhere.
31:07Have you not seen?
31:08There's going to be a band on.
31:10I think a bit of dancing might be on the cards.
31:13Are you going to dance for your grandad?
31:15There may be some lucky maiden who gets to take my hand on the floor later.
31:19Yeah, and a hundred even luckier ones that don't.
31:24You're saying out loud.
31:26I thought you sorted this.
31:28What's wrong?
31:29That.
31:30Oh, I took the ringer off.
31:31I forgot about the vibrate.
31:33Right, hang on.
31:36Hello, any Dawson?
31:38Make it quick, because I'm on my holidays.
31:39No, no.
31:40Get out of my face, you big lump.
31:43All right, that's right.
31:45That's right, love.
31:47Right.
31:49He's ready to go whenever you need him.
31:51Who is?
31:52My nephew, Danny.
31:53You said he could sing.
31:54Tell him to do only one song.
31:56That band in the dressing room are drinking us dry.
32:03Joyce, what's happening between us?
32:05Not a great deal.
32:06No, what I mean is.
32:07Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome to the stage a very talented young man.
32:11Mr Danny Tetley.
32:13Danny.
32:25Thank you, guys.
32:26My name is Danny.
32:27I'm going to sing a song called Get Here.
32:30Thanks for this, Uncle Monty.
32:31I'll try not to let you down.
32:35Monty, is this a joke?
32:38It's not a joke.
32:39This is supposed to be the best holiday I'll guess I've ever had.
32:43I know.
32:44Then why have you brought me a man with the voice of a 13-year-old girl
32:49and a face like a dropped pie?
32:51Joyce, listen to me.
32:53I took a taxi to the airport yesterday.
32:56I booked a ticket, a one-way ticket to Luton.
33:00As I sat there looking at my ticket, I felt sick.
33:03Is it that bad?
33:04It's what that bad?
33:05Luton.
33:07I mean, it is fairly bad, as it goes.
33:11But what I mean is, I felt I was in the UK in search of something.
33:16Something that was missing from my life.
33:18And that something was already here.
33:36Joyce, on the face of it, I can give the impression of being somewhat unreliable.
34:01At worst, I can appear to be, uh, what's the phrase?
34:05Almost, uh...
34:06Slippery?
34:07I was going to say, devil may care.
34:08Oh.
34:09But it's purely a facade.
34:11I know you must think with this amount of roguish charm,
34:15I could have my pick of the most beautiful women in the world.
34:17But, uh, I don't want them.
34:21I want you, Joyce.
34:23I see.
34:24So, I'm going to ask you a question.
34:28You are?
34:29Yes, I am.
34:30A question I need a definite answer to.
34:32Because the answer to that question will determine how I live the rest of my life.
34:36Either here in Benidorm, or in the UK, looking for love.
34:41You're going to look for love in Luton?
34:43Not in Luton itself.
34:45I'm flying into Luton.
34:46So, what, the surrounding area?
34:48Have you just forgotten about bloody Luton?
34:50It wasn't me who brought it up.
34:51It was you.
34:51For God's sake, Joyce, just answer the question.
34:55You haven't asked me it yet.
34:56Yes, I did.
34:57No, you didn't.
34:59You just waffled on about Luton.
35:02Joyce Temple-Savage.
35:07Will you...
35:12Will I what?
35:14Chips and rice, Joyce.
35:15Chips and rice.
35:18I just don't know what you're talking about.
35:21Miss Temple-Savage, have you seen the group in the dressing room?
35:23Why?
35:24It's madness!
35:25Oh, for goodness sake, why is it always up to me to sort everything out?
35:29I'll be right back.
35:32Yes.
35:35Get here if you can.
35:47Thank you, guys.
35:48Cheers.
35:50Let's hear it for Danny Teckley.
35:52Another huge round of applause.
35:55I don't think it's the last we've seen of him.
35:57And now, a special treat for you all.
36:00I'm assured it's their name and not what's wrong with them.
36:05Please welcome Madness.
36:12Good evening, Benidorm.
36:14We are Madness.
36:17No, we are...
36:20Tint up for your pleasure and laugh with love.
36:24Take the hand of another and sing for the wings of a dove.
36:29Whoa, whoa, by the wings of a dove.
36:33Whoa, whoa, by the wings of a dove.
36:37Right, right.
36:37Well, thanks for calling.
36:38Bye.
36:39Yeah, I'll be in touch.
36:41Morty Norris.
36:43What did he say?
36:44It's madness!
36:45What did he say on the phone?
36:47That's madness!
36:48They won't be the real ones.
36:49They'll be a tribute band.
36:50He's saying I don't know madness.
36:52That sucks.
36:53Whoa, whoa, by the wings of a dove.
36:57He's not even listening to me.
36:59For Christ's sake, Billy.
37:00Will you put us all out of our misery and tell us what they said?
37:03It was the solicitor.
37:05We know it was the solicitor.
37:06That's why he wouldn't answer it.
37:08Your mate, Ron...
37:09Ron Pickford.
37:10Yeah, yeah, yeah.
37:11He's left his house in his will.
37:12In his own house?
37:13With a council house?
37:15Well, according to him, he bought the house off the council in the early 80s.
37:18He did have a lot of debts, but there should be some money left over.
37:20How much left over?
37:21I don't know.
37:22Ring him back.
37:23It's madness!
37:27Oh, hell yeah!
37:30Oh, hell yeah!
37:34Look up at the rooftops when you're walking round.
37:38And don't think for a moment of looking down.
37:43A room at the top where we're not allowed.
37:46Help!
37:47Cheer to the echo.
37:49Can you hear the sound?
37:51Whoa, whoa, by the wings of a dove.
37:55If someone would die and leave me a load of money...
37:57Well, don't look at me.
37:58I'll spend it as I get it.
38:00Me and you, ma'am.
38:02All right.
38:03Thank you very much.
38:07Well?
38:08300 quid.
38:10300 quid?
38:12How much was the house worth?
38:14Council bought the house back for 65,000.
38:18That's including stuff in the garage.
38:21Poor Ron Pickford.
38:24Poor Ron Pickford?
38:25That stuff in the garage were mine.
38:27It was worth at least a grand.
38:29I'm 700 quid down.
38:32Twisted, rotten bastard.
38:36To Ron Pickford.
38:38I'm asking my own hands.
38:40Oh, to Ron Pickford.
38:43What?
38:55Thank you very much.
38:58Thank you very much.
39:07All right, mate.
39:10Oh, man.
39:11This is my dad's favourite.
39:12Really?
39:13Yeah, our house.
39:16Dad, listen to this.
39:20Looks like my dad's enjoying it, too.
39:23Father wears his Sunday best.
39:26Mother's tired, she needs a rest.
39:28The kids are playing up downstairs.
39:30The sister's staying in her sleep.
39:33All right, don't trouble up.
39:34Brother's got a date to keep.
39:36He can't hang around.
39:39Our house.
39:41In the middle of our streets.
39:43Our house.
39:45In the middle of our streets.
39:46Hey, John, are we on the pool tonight?
39:48Will you either sniff or wink?
39:50Hey, don't make it sound so horrible.
39:53Life's not all about instant gratification, you know.
39:57Yeah, I said it.
39:59Sex should be special.
40:00A defining moment between two people who love each other.
40:04A life-changing experience.
40:07Not just a quick fumble on the dance floor in Café Benidorm
40:10at four in the morning.
40:12All right, boys?
40:13All right, sir.
40:14It's your last day, isn't it?
40:15Yeah.
40:16Yep.
40:17Okay, well, I'm not gonna waste any more time.
40:20Are you up for it or what?
40:21Excuse me?
40:22I'm not talking to you, I'm talking to him.
40:24He's not into one-night stands.
40:26Fair enough.
40:27But if you change your mind,
40:29I guarantee you such an unbelievable night.
40:31Not only will you lose the power of speech
40:33for several hours after,
40:35you'll find it difficult to walk
40:36for a good 20 minutes, too.
40:38Are you serious?
40:39Oh, yes.
40:40Believe me, Joey.
40:42You think your hair's standing on end now?
40:44You ain't seen nothing yet.
40:48Room 540.
40:55Where are you going?
40:56Where do you think I'm going?
40:57You said sex has to be a life-changing experience.
41:00And that sounds pretty life-changing to me.
41:10I had such a happy time.
41:12And listen, what's happening about you moving down south to work?
41:15Yeah, I'm thinking I'm not gonna bother now.
41:18Not?
41:18No.
41:19Cost of living's mental down there, innit?
41:21It's not as cheap as here.
41:23So, you gonna go back to uni?
41:25No.
41:26No.
41:26I'm still gonna take a year out.
41:28Maybe change courses.
41:31I think you've had a lucky escape, Christ.
41:33Yeah?
41:34Yeah, man.
41:35I mean, Dad ain't too bad with me,
41:36but then again, I'm his son.
41:37But he could be a right bastard at work.
41:40Really?
41:40Yeah.
41:41It's that short man syndrome, innit?
41:44Angry little geezer with a chip in his shoulder.
41:46Just, you don't want to be working for him.
41:49Tiger!
41:51Tiger!
42:04Thank you!
42:05Thank you!
42:07Thanks for the gig, Jacqueline.
42:09It's great!
42:10How was the swinger's party?
42:12Interesting.
42:13But we decided to swerve the finger buffet.
42:16Well, if you boys fancy a nibble later.
42:19You know I've got a soft spot for Woody.
42:27Oh, my God.
42:28I love this one.
42:32I never thought I'd miss you.
42:35Well, half as much as I do.
42:45And I never thought I'd feel this way.
42:48The way I feel about you.
42:52Not since the finger buffet.
42:54Liam, what is it?
42:56You've had a face like a wet weekend in Wigan all day.
43:00It's me dad.
43:02Oh, is everything all right?
43:03He can't come back from the UK.
43:05He has to stay there.
43:06What?
43:08Why didn't he say something?
43:10Is it his health?
43:12No.
43:12He owes some money.
43:14Well, lots of money.
43:15Oh, too?
43:17Oh, it's not a loan shark, is it?
43:20Worse than that.
43:21It's the tax man.
43:22How much does he owe?
43:24Lots.
43:25Thousands.
43:26Tens of thousands.
43:27He went back home to visit a mate in hospital and someone grasped him up.
43:30He has never paid tax in the UK.
43:32That's why he came to Spain over 20 years ago.
43:34They've taken his passport off him.
43:36Now I have to make a decision.
43:38Do I stay here, or do I go back to the UK to be with my dad?
43:48Well, whoever they are, they're going down very well.
43:51It's madness.
43:52You must have heard of madness, man.
43:54I must say, this tune does ring a bell.
43:56Oh, come on, Mr Plus Savage.
43:58Even in Spain, madness are huge.
44:00This is one holiday these people are never going to forget.
44:03Oh, Mateo, I've got some great news.
44:04You're going on secondment.
44:06What does this mean?
44:07The Solana Group needs someone to work on a world cruise for six weeks.
44:11This is a joke, no?
44:13No joke, Mateo.
44:14You're going to travel the world all in first class.
44:16Oh, Miss Temple Savage, I don't know what to say.
44:21You'll be going with Crystal Hennessy Vass.
44:24What?
44:25Wait, no.
44:26Please, Miss Temple Savage, no.
44:28Sorry, Mateo, but she's very angry about what happened today.
44:30We need to give her what she wants.
44:32But I know what she wants and I do not want to give it to her.
44:35I'm sorry, Mateo.
44:36My hands are tied.
44:37So will be mine.
44:40Miss Temple Savage, please.
44:42In Spain, we have a saying,
44:44do not stand in the mouth of the sea during the storm or she will swallow you up.
44:47And we have a saying too, Mateo.
44:49It's called taking one for the team.
44:54Where's Monty?
44:56Oh, he's gone.
44:56Where's he gone?
44:57I don't know.
44:57He said something about gluten.
45:14Monty?
45:16Joyce.
45:18Where are you going?
45:21I need to make a decision in my life and I need to make it now.
45:25I'm sorry I put you on the spot, but if I don't make a change now, I never will.
45:30Monty, I don't know what to say.
45:32Just say yes or no, Joyce.
45:37Will you marry me?