• 3 months ago
Transcript
00:00♪
00:28How are you feeling, Mel?
00:30I'm recovering from having 220 volts of electricity
00:33surging through me body by an electric juicer.
00:35How do you think I'm feeling?
00:37I don't know, that's why I asked.
00:40Whoo!
00:43By hell!
00:44It's fresh in there.
00:46You have to get pissed to keep your circulation going.
00:51How are you feeling, Mel?
00:53I wish people would stop asking me how I'm feeling.
00:55I wish people would stop asking me how I'm feeling.
00:59What have I said?
01:01Right, I'm off for a dip.
01:02Don't forget to tell the kids to ask Mel how he's feeling.
01:06Whoo!
01:09What time is it?
01:11How long have I been asleep?
01:17Look, I'm sorry, but we cannot move you again
01:19because this is the second time you've broke your bed.
01:22It's ridiculous. The beds simply aren't sturdy enough.
01:25I can assure you all our beds are reinforced to withstand up to 50 stone.
01:29We know what we're doing.
01:31This, this Benidorm, it's not exactly a mecca for the anorexic.
01:35I mean, if we were really going at it with three or four friends on the bed,
01:39well, fair enough.
01:41But it was just the two of us, wasn't it?
01:43Absolutely.
01:44The thing is...
01:46Three or four friends?
01:47We're a very sociable couple.
01:49Oh, well, that's one word for it.
01:51But the thing is, this is the second time it's happened,
01:54so I should actually charge you for the repair of the bed.
01:57Well, I'm sorry, but we don't bring any cash on holiday with us.
02:01That's why we book all-inclusive.
02:03Maybe you could ask your three or four friends to chip in.
02:11Oh, I'm dying to go to the toilet.
02:14Why don't you go?
02:15I've only just got nicely settled.
02:18Mother, you'll make yourself ill. Go to the loo.
02:21It seems such a long way to go.
02:24I only want to wee.
02:26How difficult can it be? You're in a bloody electric wheelchair.
02:29It's badly laid out, this place.
02:39I might go for a dip in the pool.
02:41No!
02:49Where's Mel?
02:51I'm not sure where he's gone.
02:53I just asked him how he was and he stormed off.
02:55He was a bit funny with me last night.
02:58How do you mean?
03:00We got back to the apartment and...
03:02Well, we generally have a malibu before we go to our rooms,
03:06but he just said,
03:08I don't think this holiday's working out and went to bed.
03:12Well, yesterday was the third time he's nearly died
03:15in the four days we've been here.
03:18Maybe he thinks Benidorm's not for him.
03:21I think I'm losing him.
03:24I can't believe it.
03:26Two days ago he asked me to marry him
03:28and now he's going to bed in silence without his malibu.
03:31The signs are there.
03:33Ma'am, when you said you were going to take us on holiday again,
03:37I didn't realise a man you'd only known for three weeks was paying.
03:41What's that got to do with anything?
03:43Well, it puts us in an awkward position, doesn't it?
03:46None of us really knows anything about Mel.
03:49It could be a mass murderer.
04:03Mr and Mrs Stewart!
04:05Hello, darling!
04:07Kelly, how are you?
04:09Oh, I'm really well, thanks.
04:11I thought you'd left.
04:12Yeah, I have. I work in a bar in the old town now.
04:15My mum's staying here for a couple of days.
04:17Look, I'll send someone off to try and fix it.
04:19It's 2.04, isn't it?
04:21Yeah, after all the trouble with Matteo last year,
04:24she thinks she needs to look after me.
04:26Well, if she's got half your charm, I can't wait to meet her.
04:29Oh, it's so lovely to see you.
04:32Is this the dirty bastard?
04:34I'll kick your fat arse into the middle of next week.
04:37You should be locked up. You're old enough to be a father.
04:40Mum, what are you doing? This is Mr Stewart.
04:43Oh, you're on holiday.
04:45Oh, yeah.
04:46Thought you looked a bit pasty for a Spaniard.
04:48This is my mum, Sylvia.
04:50Pleasure to meet you, Sylvia.
04:52I'm Donald. This is my wife, Jacqueline.
04:56My condolences.
04:57Don't worry.
04:58I always used to keep an eye on Kelly when she worked here.
05:01Yeah, I bet you did.
05:02Mum!
05:03Right, where's the bar?
05:04I hope this room's got air conditioning
05:06cos I'm sweating like a pig on heat.
05:09I'm sorry about that. She's really protective.
05:12And so she should be.
05:13Mateo! Room 204. See if you can fix the bed.
05:17Kelly.
05:18You are back.
05:20I have thought about nothing but you since you left me.
05:24It's really nice to see you, Mr Stewart.
05:26Mrs Stewart. I'll see you later.
05:28Kelly, I have been counting the days until I...
05:31Saviour breath, sunshine.
05:33You had your chance and you blew it.
05:36Now, I think I'll accompany you while you fix this bed.
05:40I don't want your sticky fingers going through my wife's drawers.
05:46Cos you are not the only one.
05:54Hello there. How are you feeling?
05:56What's it got to do with you?
05:58Sorry, we were on the coach trip yesterday when you were electrocuted.
06:02Don't worry, I know exactly who you are.
06:04You were the daft cow who pronounced me dead.
06:06Steady on.
06:07I didn't pronounce you dead, I just said you had no pulse.
06:10People with no pulse don't sit in a bar sipping Malibu and pineapple.
06:14If it were down to you, I'd be in a box six feet under
06:16where people chucking dirt on me be now.
06:18Come on, let's go.
06:19Where did you get your first aid badge? In a lucky dip?
06:24Excuse me.
06:27I'm sorry to bother you, but could you give me a hand?
06:30Are you all right?
06:32It's this stupid chair. It's just stopped.
06:35And they said in the shop it was fully charged.
06:38Oh, no. Is this the M600?
06:41Well, I've no idea.
06:42Yes, yes, it is. We hired one of these a few days ago.
06:46It's got a very tricky safety cut out. Do you mind?
06:51You'll have to excuse me. It's a very tricky nipple switch.
06:56Hang on, I think I got my hand on it.
06:58Don't worry, I'll get you going in no time.
07:02Oh, no, I've lost it.
07:05It's one of them, the more you try and feel for it,
07:07the harder it gets, you know what I mean?
07:10Oh, my God.
07:13What? What's wrong?
07:15Mel's snogging Nana.
07:17Where?
07:20Oh, yeah. Does that mean they're marrying now?
07:24Oh, my God.
07:31That's not Nana. He was kissing somebody else.
07:34Nana is going to go mental if she finds out about this. Come on.
07:37Where are we going?
07:39Tell Nana.
07:42So then what happened was,
07:44he sits bolt upright and says,
07:46have I missed the bull fight?
07:48You know, you can technically die for up to four minutes
07:51before coming back to life.
07:53Oh, is that reincarnation?
07:55No.
07:56Obviously, you've got to be pretty fit, you know.
07:58The body has to be highly tuned.
08:01I reckon I can do about three minutes.
08:03We've always been very fit in our family.
08:07I don't know why.
08:09I suppose we're just lucky.
08:11It's like Bruce Lee.
08:13He had an headache one day and took an aspirin,
08:15but his body was so highly tuned, it killed him.
08:18Oh, heck.
08:20Yeah, I know.
08:21That's why when I get an headache, I just ride it out.
08:24Don't want to risk it.
08:25Yeah, better to be safe than sorry.
08:30You all right?
08:33Yeah, thanks.
08:34I think I'm getting a cold.
08:36Could be worse. Could be a headache.
08:44Right, what's for dinner?
08:46I don't know, but I could eat a horse and go back for the jockey.
08:49Nana, Nana!
08:50We've just seen Mel, and he was kissing a woman.
08:53You what?
08:54Come here, Michael, and stop telling tales.
08:56Hey, you, what you been up to?
08:58Filling little Michael's head full of rubbish.
09:00Put baby Coolio in the shade.
09:02Well, is it true?
09:03It's what true?
09:05Is old Mucky Melvin been caught with his trousers down?
09:07Course he hasn't, don't be disgusting.
09:09I'll wash your mouth out with soap and water for telling lies, young man.
09:13I'm not lying, Nana.
09:14Honest, I'm not.
09:15He was kissing a lady in a wheelchair like yours.
09:19He wasn't kissing her, don't lie, Michael.
09:21I'm not!
09:22He was snogging the face off her, and here's the pictures to prove it.
09:26Well, hey, pass it over.
09:27Oi, give me that camera here.
09:33Pass it over, let me have a look.
09:35I don't believe you.
09:40Bloody hell, he's not backward in coming forward, is he?
09:44It's not his fault.
09:46He's not feeling himself.
09:47No, he's feeling that woman in the wheelchair.
09:50It's the electric shock.
09:52It's left him vulnerable and an easy target.
09:55You don't look very vulnerable to me.
09:57Right, I'm off.
09:58Where you going, man?
09:59Where do you think I'm going?
10:00I'm going to find that woman and give her a good seeing to.
10:03Hey, bit of girl-on-girl action.
10:06Will you shut up?
10:08Man, out the way.
10:09Sorry.
10:10You as well.
10:11Oh, bloody hell.
10:13Go on, go on, out the way.
10:17Here you go.
10:18Oh, lovely.
10:19How did he get on with the bed?
10:21Yes, all sorted.
10:23I think we'll have to go a bit steady from now on, though.
10:27We weren't even both on it when it broke.
10:30Well, not technically.
10:32I had one leg on the vanity unit.
10:34Oh, yes.
10:37Who won the 1936 Miss Hungary title
10:41but had to give it up because she was under 16?
10:46Gloria Hunniford.
10:53Morning.
10:54Yeah, all right, thanks.
10:56Mind if I join you?
10:57Be my guest.
11:00Just thought I'd grab a cheeky half and cool off.
11:03Get away from the women.
11:05Yeah, I've had a few offers, but what can you do?
11:09Yeah, same here.
11:10It's a bitch, isn't it?
11:12Thought you were with your mam.
11:16Un poco por favor.
11:18Hmm.
11:19Picked up a bit of the lingo, have you?
11:21Speak five languages.
11:23Bloody hell.
11:24Yeah.
11:26What are they?
11:29What are they?
11:30Yeah, what languages?
11:34Do you speak any languages?
11:35You're joking. I struggle with English.
11:37All right.
11:40Italian.
11:42French.
11:44Bit of German.
11:46Punjabi.
11:47Punjabi?
11:49Yeah, you know, Indian.
11:51Bloody hell.
11:57What's good morning in Punjabi?
12:07You all right?
12:10My ear's really hurting.
12:12What's wrong with it?
12:13I don't know.
12:20What did he say?
12:21What did he say?
12:22Morena.
12:25He's saying something about the microclimate in Benidorm.
12:29Apparently there's a possibility of a thunderstorm.
12:32Hey, did you see a girl with dark hair?
12:36No.
12:39Might have done.
12:43He's a greasy little bastard, that one.
12:45Yeah, fancies himself.
12:47Women don't want men like that.
12:49Men like that make women feel ill.
12:51You seen him mincing around? He's always got his shirt off.
12:53Jeff.
12:54What's that all about? He's skinny.
12:56Jeff.
12:57If I looked like that, I'd be trying as bad as take my shirt off.
12:59Jeff.
13:00He's a dickhead and he knows it.
13:02Listen, I'm off for a bit of a lie down.
13:05Yeah, see you later.
13:06Hey, keep your back to the wall with that Spanish puffer out.
13:15You've been there ages, haven't you?
13:20Am I to her?
13:30So, what do you think of it?
13:32She's full of sex maniacs. No wonder you had all the trouble you did.
13:36OK, well, thanks for trying. Bye.
13:41Kelly, I have been looking everywhere for you.
13:43Mateo, just leave it. I don't want to speak to you.
13:45You don't understand.
13:46No, you don't understand.
13:47My mother's over there and if she sees you, she'll murder you.
13:50Your mother? Oh, I would like to speak to her.
13:53Your family should be my family.
13:55When I say she'll murder you, I don't mean she'll have a go at you.
13:58I mean she will find a knife and she'll murder you.
14:01Won't be the first time.
14:02What?
14:03Does that look like the face of a woman who's never been in prison?
14:08But, Kelly, I look into your eyes and I know you want Mateo.
14:12Mum?
14:13Oh, Steve.
14:14Mum?
14:15Oh, Steve.
14:29Don't say anything.
14:30I know we're stuck here for the rest of our holiday.
14:33I'm really sorry.
14:34It's fine.
14:36It's fine.
14:37We're here and it's fine.
14:41Well, look on the bright side.
14:43Martin, I can assure you there is absolutely no bright side.
14:46Sorry?
14:47Don't apologise.
14:50Well, what do you want me to say?
14:53I don't know. I just...
14:56Yesterday, when you won the arm wrestling competition,
14:58you didn't apologise, you didn't make excuses.
15:01You just took control like a real man.
15:07I just wish you could do that a bit more often.
15:14I didn't know.
15:16Put down that magazine and get up those stairs, bitch!
15:28Sorry. Sorry, that...
15:31That was misjudged.
15:35Here.
15:36You've always got your nose in other people's business.
15:39Have you seen this woman?
15:40I beg your pardon?
15:42This woman on here. Have you seen her?
15:46I can't really see.
15:50No, I don't think so.
15:51Oh, bloody useless.
16:03I've managed to get us on a waiting list.
16:05Shut up.
16:13MUSIC PLAYS
16:19Mick.
16:20Mick, wake up.
16:22What time is it?
16:24She's there.
16:25Eh?
16:26The woman in the photo with Mel.
16:29She's there. That's her, isn't it, Tel?
16:31Yeah, that's her, definitely.
16:33Where's your mum?
16:34Not here, thank God.
16:36Where's Mel?
16:37He's in his room. I saw him on the balcony.
16:43Oh, shit.
16:55Oi! You!
16:59You talking to me?
17:01Yes, I'm talking to you, Miss Butterwood and Mel to me knickers.
17:06I beg your pardon?
17:08You'll be begging for more than my pardon when I get a hold of you.
17:11Madge, are you OK?
17:13Piss off.
17:15Come over here and say that, you saggy-faced old cow.
17:21Ooh!
17:23Oh, Mum, just ignore her. She's mad.
17:25Oh, yes.
17:27That's the kind of language I expect from an old slag
17:30who goes around interfering with other women's fellas.
17:33You know what I'm talking about.
17:36In that bar this afternoon.
17:41Come on, sweetheart, let's get you out of the way.
17:44Wait for me, Mum.
17:46Oh, Mum, just leave it.
18:11Ooh!
18:42Let's go, let's go.
18:53Come on, let's go in.
18:55Are you insane?
18:57I wouldn't miss this for the world.
18:59I wouldn't miss this for the world.
19:10I've met your type before.
19:12All circle and no knickers.
19:15And I've met your type before.
19:18I used to work in a nut house.
19:20What the bloody hell's going on here?
19:23Is this the bloke you've been going on about?
19:25The one that tried to fill me up in the bar?
19:28I might have known.
19:30Fill you up? I was disengaging your safety switch.
19:32That's what they call it these days.
19:34Can't find a man of your own, so start sniffing around somebody else's.
19:38You're desperate.
19:40I'd have to be desperate to shag that leathery old dwarf.
19:45Right. That does it.
19:59Ah!
20:01Oh!
20:03Ah!
20:16What are you doing, you stupid cow?
20:19Oh, she's blinded me!
20:24Ah!
20:27Oh!
20:32Hey!
20:46That's it. I've had enough.
20:48You, clear all your stuff out of your room and sling your ruch
20:52because you're barred from the hotel.
20:54She started it!
20:56There's seven of them and they're here for a week.
20:58They've spent more money.
21:00Oh, come on, Mum, let's go.
21:05Packing all them bastards.
21:07Come on.
21:08Go on, piss off back to where you came from.
21:12Just get her back to the room, eh?
21:14I can't believe you saw her look at another woman.
21:16I thought you were going off me.
21:18Going off you? I'll show you how much I'm going off you.
21:21We're getting married here in Benidorm before we go back home.
21:26Now, are you in or are you out?
21:28I'm in.
21:29Right, come on.
21:31It's none of our you, but I need a drink.
21:38Oh, my God!
21:51Oh, my God!