Category
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Short filmTranscript
00:00đ”
00:30đ”
00:40I should not be doing this.
00:42They must kill the barman.
00:44I should not have to be touching British people's sausage.
00:47đ”
00:53Madre mĂa.
00:55đ”
01:18Where are you going?
01:19I'm going to work, aren't you?
01:21Joyce, if you absolutely insist
01:23on us having no honeymoon,
01:25the least we can do this week is have a lie-in.
01:27I've had my lie-in. It's eight o'clock.
01:29OK. You win.
01:31What do you mean, I win?
01:33Oh, I can't beat you. I'm going to join you.
01:35I can't have you under my feet at work, Monty.
01:37You're actually more useful in bed.
01:39I didn't mean that how it came out.
01:42Joyce, what about that new position we talked about?
01:45Goodness sake, Monty, I know we've just been married,
01:47but do you really not think of anything else?
01:49I meant entertainment manager.
01:52Oh, I see.
01:54Look, I'm sorry, Monty, we've been through this.
01:56Any new position at the Solana
01:58has to be advertised internally for at least three working days.
02:03You can't have the job until that time has elapsed.
02:06Who on earth out of the morons running around this place
02:08is going to have those qualifications?
02:10That's not the point.
02:11The job has to be advertised for three days.
02:14And as the Americans say, I have to cover my ass.
02:18That's the new position out of the window, then?
02:20I beg your pardon?
02:22I mean me getting it today.
02:24Starting the job today.
02:26If this is your attempt at being amusing, Monty,
02:29I need to tell you, you are failing miserably.
02:34No, it was my attempt at getting a job!
02:43Hola.
02:44I have something for you.
02:46What is it?
02:47It's for you.
02:49It's hot and fresh.
02:51The last thing I need after a swim is a mountain of old burnt meat
02:54that has been left out for days sweating in the sun.
02:57I told you, this breakfast is fresh this morning.
03:01I was not talking about the breakfast.
03:20Where have you been?
03:22Robbie, I'm sorry. I tried not to wake you.
03:24The doctor said you could have a concussion.
03:26He said I was lucky not to have a concussion.
03:28Well, it's bad for the rest of the day.
03:30I want your father to know I do not blame him for what happened last night.
03:33Fine. I'll send him a text.
03:36Robbie, I want to go downstairs.
03:39You know, I've been lying in this bed praying for a euphemism like that.
03:44A euphemism is a...
03:46Oh, I know euphemism.
03:48It is a substitution of a mild or vague expression
03:51for one considered to be offensive or unpleasant.
03:55I love it when you talk dirty.
03:59Well, I think you're crazy.
04:02Entertainment's manager. It's right up your street.
04:05And if Temple Savage is the boss. You've got to be kidding.
04:08Oh, you're making a point there.
04:10What about you, my dear?
04:12What about you, my dear?
04:14What about me?
04:15Entertainment's manager.
04:23Is she OK?
04:25Him. Entertainment's manager.
04:27Oh, God, that's hilarious.
04:30Oh, right. I have money to be made.
04:33Ladies.
04:35Hello. Can I help you with anything?
04:37Hello, sir. I'm just a couple of days off.
04:40How was your mate's wedding?
04:42Oh, it was lovely. It rained every minute I was there.
04:45How was your wedding? I mean, Joyce and Monty's.
04:48Did you not hear about it?
04:50No. Why? What happened? Give me all the gossip.
04:52Gossip? Hey, this'll make your hair stand on end.
04:55I'm sorry to interrupt this mother's meeting,
04:57but we do have a hotel to run.
04:59I'll ask Jacqueline.
05:00Aye, all right, son. Nice to have you back.
05:05Jacqueline!
05:07Oh, Liam!
05:09Oh, it's so good to see you.
05:13Where's Kenneth? My dad sent us some gossip.
05:15Oh, well, where do I start?
05:18They all got stranded on Peacock Island after the wedding.
05:23Then Kenneth tried to swim back to Benidorm and nearly drowned,
05:28but was saved at the last minute by Vladimir,
05:31a Russian sailor who he's now going out with.
05:35Then, in the afternoon, a dentist tried to kill him.
05:39Then everything was all right till last night
05:43when he threw a moody after finding out that Blown Goes got a new owner.
05:47Blown Goes got a new owner?
05:49Who'd be stupid enough to buy this place?
05:51Me!
05:55Yes, Fred, can I help you?
05:57Mr Impressavage, I would like to be applying
06:00for the position of Entertaining Manager.
06:02Entertainment Manager?
06:04Is what I am saying.
06:06OK.
06:07Entertainment Manager is a very specialised position.
06:11Not only do you need a background in entertainment,
06:15you also need to be entertaining.
06:19No offence.
06:22Knee bother, one second.
06:29Bean, it's Mateo.
06:31You are still looking for a job?
06:40Honestly, the way she dived off that stage,
06:43I could see the pound signs in her eyes.
06:46It was our Billy that did it with microphone lead.
06:49Oh, she's good, don't get me wrong.
06:51She knows what she's doing.
06:53She'll be with that wreck now putting her claim in.
06:56Who's putting her claim in?
06:58Nobody.
06:59The wreck reckons Sid took a dive on that stage
07:02to claim for the old compo.
07:04Absolute rubbish, hold you.
07:06Mind you, if I was on stage with Billy and his sweaty wandering hands,
07:10I think I'd dive headfirst into a table full of pinepots as well.
07:14Do you realise how serious that accusation is?
07:17Yes, I do.
07:18You'll never lay a finger on that, young lass.
07:23In saying that, you did have a good hoggle.
07:26But I always say, if the puppies are in the window,
07:30stop and have a look.
07:31I beg your pardon.
07:35Drink, anyone?
07:39I'll take that as a no.
07:43You were thinking about buying a puppy?
07:45Uh, no.
08:01Callum!
08:02Are you up, mate?
08:03Callum!
08:04Callum!
08:05Shh, Joey, what the hell do you think you're doing?
08:08Sorry, mate, it's nearly 11. I thought you'd be up.
08:11I am.
08:12But somebody else isn't.
08:13Ah!
08:16Who?
08:17For God's sakes, Joey.
08:19Oh, my days, you got lucky last night!
08:22Shut up!
08:23No, no, my friend.
08:24Luck had nothing to do with it.
08:26Irresistible charm and rugged good looks might have, though.
08:29Oh, she's got rugged good looks?
08:32I suppose we're in Benidorm.
08:34Not her, you moron. Me.
08:36Oh, right, right.
08:38Sorry, sorry, sorry.
08:40So, what's she like?
08:42Oh, man, off the scale.
08:46You mean really fat?
08:47No, I don't mean really fat.
08:49She's not really fat, she's really fit.
08:51Oh, right, cool, cool.
08:53Can I, um...
08:55Can you what?
08:56Do you have a look?
08:58Joey, she's a woman asleep in my bed, not an animal in the zoo.
09:02Sorry, sorry, my bad.
09:04Can I take a picture?
09:06You're unbelievable.
09:08Sorry.
09:27I'm sorry, Mr, um, Bean.
09:30Nowhere on your CV does it mention any experience
09:34in the hotel or travel industry.
09:37It's Bean.
09:38It's Bean what?
09:40It's Bean.
09:42Bean with a Mr on front of it.
09:44It's that feckin' idiot with the turkey on his head.
09:48Right, um, as I say,
09:50I'm afraid you just don't have the appropriate qualifications
09:53to become a member of the Solana team.
09:55What exactly would be the appropriate qualifications
09:58to become a member of the Solana team?
10:01Being sober for a start.
10:03I have a cold.
10:04And perhaps some experience.
10:06I can get experience.
10:08I'm sorry, we just haven't got anything for you.
10:10Do you know No Plums Eric?
10:13Who?
10:14Eric Palmer.
10:15They call him No Plums Eric.
10:17I don't know him.
10:18Well, he could vote for me.
10:20Why on earth would someone be called No Plums Eric?
10:25Because he hasn't got any plums.
10:27They used to call him No Apples Eric, Buzz.
10:31He must have got some apples.
10:33Right, I'm afraid you're going to have to leave.
10:36You've got a very short memory.
10:38What's that got to do with anything?
10:40Last year, when you came to the circus.
10:46You were the clown.
10:47And I helped you put on your show.
10:51Yes, I remember.
10:53Maybe we have something in the kids' club.
10:55I mean, you have, after all, experience with children.
10:58In the circus, I used to have this clown car that exploded.
11:02You know, the doors fell off and all that.
11:05Oh, yes.
11:06I used to put twice as much gum powder in it
11:09to make the little shits cry.
11:12I hate children.
11:14Feckin' ankle-biter.
11:17I hate children.
11:19I hate children.
11:21Feckin' ankle-biting bastards.
11:25Come in.
11:26Mr Savage, we need...
11:28Bean, you came.
11:30Did he get the job?
11:31No, he did not.
11:33Do you know No Plums Eric?
11:35Get him out of here.
11:37Bean, I told you not to drink.
11:39Fick off.
11:40I'm in the middle of an interview.
11:42Miss Simple Cabbage, will you shut up?
11:44Come on.
11:46SIGHS
11:48No Plums Eric?
11:59For someone who was at death's door last night,
12:02Sidney appears to have made a miracle recovery.
12:05It's Sid.
12:06She weren't at death's door.
12:08She tripped over.
12:09Tripped? Ha!
12:11I'm sorry?
12:13She went down like Saddam Hussein with her back on his head.
12:16I'm sorry?
12:17Like a sack of spuds. Bang, out for the count.
12:20She wasn't out for the count. She was fine.
12:23Not a thing wrong with her.
12:25Oh, you can say that again.
12:30I didn't say that out loud, did I?
12:32Well, if there was nothing wrong with her,
12:34how come she went to hospital?
12:36I took Sid to the hospital as a precaution.
12:38And you did right, son. You can't be too careful.
12:41Yeah.
12:42I bet that'll cost a bob or two because she won't have insurance.
12:45How do you know she doesn't have insurance?
12:52Has she got insurance?
12:53No. As it goes, she doesn't have insurance,
12:56but it wasn't expensive.
12:58Here we go.
12:59Here we go where?
13:01You've known her for 20 minutes after bumping into her
13:03in the middle of the jungle and already she's bleeding you dry.
13:07Bleeding me dry?
13:09Because when I mention the price of the hospital visit,
13:11you automatically assume I paid, is that right?
13:14I'm saying nothing.
13:16Really?
13:17Well, for somebody who's saying nothing,
13:19there's a surprising amount of shite coming out your gut.
13:22Hey, hey, that's your nanny you're talking to.
13:24Thanks for reminding me.
13:26Because listening to all this poisonous crap she keeps coming out with,
13:28it's easy to forget.
13:30Tell him, Billy.
13:31Don't.
13:32Erm, don't use the word crap.
13:34It's swearing.
13:37This family is a joke.
13:41And one I've heard so many times,
13:43I can't even bring myself to laugh any more.
13:49He won't have met her in the jungle.
13:52South America, it's a bit rainforest.
13:55Didn't you learn that at school?
13:59Oh, my God.
14:01I'm sorry, madam, I don't have the lyrics to
14:04Who Put The Ram In The Ram-A-Lama-Ding-Dong?
14:07All words for the karaoke are provided on screen at the time of singing.
14:12I'm sorry, pet, it's the same for everyone.
14:17Hey.
14:18Oh, bloody hell.
14:23Excuse me, sir.
14:24Are you OK?
14:26I tripped over a rather large woman.
14:28I don't think it was her fault.
14:30I imagine it's probably genetic.
14:32I'm not surprised you fell over with those shoes.
14:36Well, look who it is.
14:38Sam!
14:42You know this fella?
14:43We have a history of performing together.
14:45Do you see?
14:46Panic over it.
14:48So, what brings you here, apart from the enchanting decor
14:51and the wildly attractive staff?
14:54I just got given a job by the lovely Miss Wimple Ravage.
14:58Temple Savage.
15:00That's the one.
15:01Temple Savage gave you a job?
15:03Here, if it's collecting glasses,
15:05you do know you're not supposed to drink the dregs.
15:07Children's entertainer.
15:09I love children.
15:11I don't hate them.
15:13I love them.
15:14You're the new Solana's children's entertainer?
15:17As I said.
15:18Just been given the job by Miss Pimple Garbage herself.
15:22Right.
15:23Well, do you want me to show you where the kids' club is?
15:27I'll meet you back here in 20.
15:29I'm just going to nip home and slip into something more hilarious.
15:35I don't hate kids.
15:36I love them.
15:37Love them to bits.
15:44I've seen nothing.
15:46Unfortunately, Leslie, that statement couldn't be more true.
15:53Come in.
15:55You beauty.
15:57You got my text, then?
15:59You don't know what this means to me, Joyce.
16:01I'm sorry I had to make you wait, Monty,
16:04but I do have protocol to adhere to.
16:07Clearly, the other candidate wasn't a patch on me.
16:10I don't know. It was quite close.
16:12But the best man won.
16:14Only just.
16:15Sorry?
16:16Here we are.
16:21You are now officially the Solana's
16:24entertainment's manager.
16:28Joyce, is it OK if I just nip out for a couple of hours?
16:31For heaven's sake, Monty, you've not even started
16:33and you're asking for time off?
16:35No, no, no, no, it's work.
16:36I've already put in a call to Swifty Finkelstein.
16:40Do you know him?
16:41No, I think I'd remember the name.
16:43He used to book all the acts for the Benidorm Palace.
16:46And apparently the great Crostini and co.
16:49are in town and looking for work.
16:51Isn't that an Italian bread?
16:53No, he's one of the greatest magicians that ever lived,
16:56according to Swifty.
16:57Well, if Swifty says it, I suppose it must be so.
17:00You won't regret this, Joyce.
17:02I've heard that before somewhere.
17:04Not only am I married to the most wonderful woman in Benidorm,
17:08I'm working with her too, 24-7.
17:11I've got it all.
17:13Chips and rice, Joyce, chips and rice.
17:18Two hours maximum, three on the outside,
17:21definitely no longer than four.
17:27Bloody hell, you go away for two days,
17:29it's like missing a whole month for Hollyoaks.
17:31Yeah, it's been a funny 48 hours.
17:34So where's Kenneth now?
17:35I've no idea.
17:37He was quite shocked when I told him I bought the lease to blow and go.
17:41Yeah, I did think it was a bit funny that Troy never said anything.
17:44I asked him not to say anything because I wanted to tell him myself.
17:49I thought you'd both be pleased.
17:51Oh, I am pleased. I think it's amazing.
17:53Well, Kenneth left very quickly last night after I told him
17:57and he's not turned up for work,
18:00so I can only assume he's not happy about it.
18:04It must be love, love, love.
18:07Nothing more, nothing less, love is the best.
18:12Morning, Kenneth. You sound chirpy.
18:15Where have you been? You're an hour late.
18:18Oh, blame the sun for shining, blame the birds for singing,
18:22blame the cooling breeze for soothing that little ginger sunburned brow of yours, Liam.
18:26But do not blame me for being in love.
18:28Having a boyfriend is not an excuse for being late for work.
18:31Oh, what's happened?
18:33Have I missed the latest instalment regarding the ever-changing ownership of blow and go?
18:37Oh, don't tell me.
18:39You've come up trumps on a scratch card and now you've bought it off Jacqueline.
18:42Who will be the next owner of the Costa Blanca's premier hair and beauty salon?
18:46Matteo? Baby Jesus?
18:48That woman with the blotchy arms who sits outside the Piccadilly bar
18:51farting along in Times Of The Music? It's hard to keep up.
18:54Stop being a bitch, Kenneth. Jacqueline's been a good friend to us,
18:57we should be pleased we're working for her.
18:59I don't work for people, Liam. I work with them.
19:02Well, I try to.
19:04I'm going to go put the kettle on.
19:06First appointment isn't until midday,
19:09so you boys take your time.
19:12I'll see you in a few minutes.
19:14No hurry.
19:16Oh, my God, Liam, I can't wait for you to meet Vlad.
19:20He's a man-mountain, six foot seven, makes me look like Donna Stealth.
19:23I don't know who that is.
19:25What is your problem with Jacqueline owning the salon?
19:27She's the most kind, considerate, caring person I know.
19:29You haven't met Vlad.
19:31Answer the question.
19:33Where are you going? I'm talking.
19:35Going into the old town to meet Vlad.
19:37I've booked him in for a double session of manscaping and intimate bleaching.
19:4020 years of heterosexual marriage have left him with an undercarriage
19:43like a burnt-out Vauxhall Nova.
19:45You mean he's straight? Not any more.
19:48There are no straight men in this world, Liam.
19:50Just them that haven't met Kenneth de Beck.
19:59Oh, man, I'm sorry to hear it's not working out with your folks.
20:03It's just been Anna, really.
20:05She's always been the same.
20:07You should just ignore her.
20:09Robbie, I think we should go back.
20:11Your grandmother, she looks like a...
20:13How you say? A... Bag lady?
20:15No. Evil witch?
20:17No. Withered old slag.
20:19Robbie, how can you say that?
20:21In fairness, she is a bit of a slag.
20:23She shagged Tiger last year. What?
20:25Yeah. Last year, Tiger shagged Rob's nan.
20:28No, no, he didn't.
20:30I think you finally did.
20:32Oh, my God, that is hysterical.
20:34I'm guessing it was better than your shag last night.
20:37Oh, man. She was first class.
20:40You scored last night. Of course.
20:42First night here, I don't mess around.
20:44Legend.
20:45What, so Robbie's grandmother has a one-night stand and she is a slag?
20:49But Callum has a one-night stand and he is a legend?
20:52Really, Robbie? Really?
20:54Well, I...
20:56Hola.
20:59I thought you could be thirsty after your exercise this morning.
21:02Fooled you. You scored the legs, brother.
21:06Excuse me.
21:08I am actually here, you know.
21:10Do you know why it is called the legs, brother?
21:12Is it because it makes people do this?
21:16Agh!
21:18What is wrong with you?
21:20I'm going inside for a coffee.
21:22Ooh!
21:27Thanks for your support, lads.
21:29Nice one.
21:34I was so excited.
21:36Blown gore has been such a big part of my life for so many years.
21:41I thought you wanted to talk about the salon.
21:43I do?
21:45Oh, Liam!
21:48I did mean the salon.
21:50You meant blown gore as in giving somebody...
21:53Yeah, I know.
21:55Oops, sorry.
21:57Hide me. What?
21:58Quick, hide me.
21:59How are we supposed to do that? You're enormous.
22:01I beg your pardon? I didn't mean that.
22:03I'm sorry, you just panicked me.
22:05Oh, Kenneth, what's happened?
22:07It's Vlad.
22:08Oh?
22:09Vladimir. He's left his wife and he wants me to marry him.
22:12Oh, congratulate.
22:13Will you just shut up and hide me?
22:15Get in there.
22:16I can't go in there.
22:17It's too small.
22:18I can't get down there.
22:19Oh, good.
22:21Agh!
22:23I'm sorry.
22:25We don't often have somebody quite as tall as you in here.
22:28You gave me quite a shock.
22:30Do you have an appointment?
22:32There is Kenneth.
22:33Kenneth?
22:35This salon belongs to Kenneth.
22:37Oh, no, I'm sorry, I think you're mistaken.
22:40This is my salon.
22:42I love Kenneth.
22:43Oh, well, that's smashing.
22:45But I'm sorry, we can't help you.
22:48Kenneth, Kenneth, was that the name of a trainee we had?
22:52What trainee?
22:54Oh, that big fat lad who was a bit simple.
22:58Not taking that!
23:00He was a bit of a fantasist, wasn't he, Jacqueline?
23:02Oh, yes, a bit of a fantasist.
23:04Kenneth used to tell people he'd worked here for years.
23:06He was even told some people that he owned the salon,
23:08when, in fact, he was just a deluded, overgrown child
23:11who couldn't cut a head of hair if his life depended on it.
23:16And we haven't seen him for days.
23:19So, if you don't want a haircut, I think we'd better get on, love.
23:23I love Kenneth.
23:24I don't care what people think.
23:26I leave my wife for Kenneth.
23:30I will find him and love him forever.
23:33Oh.
23:34Because he is my life.
23:36The reason for my living.
23:40I will go now.
23:41Yeah, I think that's a good idea.
23:44Oh.
23:45OK, OK!
23:48Thank you and goodbye.
23:50Bye.
23:51Oh, do call again.
23:53OK, yeah.
24:02I'm off!
24:03Jesus Christ!
24:04I'm off!
24:05Are you two trying to kill me?
24:07I could hardly breathe in there!
24:09You could hardly breathe?
24:10It stinks of fish in here, thanks to your boyfriend.
24:12Jacqueline, get the air freshener.
24:14Has he definitely left the hotel?
24:16Get in the back while I check the coast. It's clear.
24:18You are!
24:19You are trying to kill me!
24:21Get in the back!
24:22Bloody hell!
24:24Oh!
24:26Oh, I don't know.
24:28What a day.
24:36Right.
24:37I think I'll have a siesta.
24:40Right.
24:41Best part of the day is this.
24:43See you later.
24:44See you later.
24:45See you later.
24:46Best part of the day is this.
24:48It's a bit hot for me.
24:50No, I mean when you frig off
24:52and leave us in peace for a couple of hours.
24:54Dad!
24:55Bloody hell!
24:56Oh, don't you two start again!
24:58You tend to have your little nap just after breakfast,
25:01don't you, Eddie, in your chair?
25:03I generally have a 15-minute power nap about 11 o'clock.
25:07I know.
25:08It's the only time I get a chance to piss in your drinks.
25:12See you later.
25:14What is wrong with that woman?
25:16She's disgusting.
25:19When she said drinks, she meant his drinks,
25:22not all our drinks, didn't she?
25:33I'm going to freshen my drink.
25:37Anyone else want another...?
25:39Yeah.
25:40Yeah.
25:41Back in a minute.
25:45What did your nan say about me?
25:49You said you didn't want to know.
25:50Well, I want to know now.
25:55She thinks you're a gold digger.
26:00You have lots of gold?
26:02No, not much.
26:04Well, none, actually.
26:05But Loretta thinks you've got even less than me.
26:08I do not want anything from you, Robbie.
26:11Except your love.
26:13You know that, don't you?
26:14Of course I know that.
26:15And if you did have lots of gold to dig,
26:18I wouldn't want you more.
26:20I could not want you more.
26:22Same here.
26:24So if I had lots of gold, you wouldn't care?
26:27What if I was a secret millionaire?
26:30I wouldn't care either way.
26:32It makes no difference.
26:39You're not, are you?
26:40I could be.
26:41It's just that if you are,
26:42I was going to suggest going somewhere nice for lunch.
26:45If not, then I'll just get another couple of instant coffees in.
26:48If love was money, I'd be a billionaire.
26:52Two instant coffees it is, then.
27:06Where was she from?
27:07No idea.
27:08She just came up to me in the club and said,
27:10I'm not a girl who likes to waste people's time.
27:13Have you got somewhere to go?
27:15First time Sam and I did it,
27:16I couldn't walk for almost an hour after.
27:19She do sit on your knee.
27:21No.
27:22Oh, God, another missed call from her.
27:25What's her name?
27:26Her name?
27:27Yeah.
27:28Um, I didn't put her on my phone.
27:32Gin.
27:33Ginny.
27:34Jenny.
27:35Aye, that was it.
27:36Jenny.
27:37And she keeps ringing you.
27:38Oh, God, I don't believe it.
27:39What?
27:40Another text as well.
27:41From Jenny.
27:42Hey, babe, when can I see you again?
27:44You said you'd take me to dinner.
27:45Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.
27:47God, the things I say when I'm drunk.
27:49All right, boys.
27:50What's happening?
27:51Oh, hey, Sam.
27:52Not a lot, really.
27:53Well, I say that.
27:54Callum met a girl last night.
27:56Oh, yeah?
27:57Are you going to see her again?
27:59Well, she's certainly keen.
28:00She keeps texting and ringing him.
28:02Well, this must be fate.
28:03I've just been given a voucher.
28:05Dinner for four at the opening of the new Argentinian Steakhouse
28:08in the Old Town tonight.
28:09What?
28:10How'd you get that?
28:11Oh, I did some work a while ago for a promotions company.
28:14Well, they ask us that I write a good review for the restaurant's website.
28:17And you can bring Jenny.
28:19Well, I don't know if she actually likes...
28:21Three-course meal.
28:22Choice of sirloin, fillet, or ribeye steak.
28:25Champagne cocktail.
28:26All wine included.
28:28Well, I could ask, but...
28:29And you said you'd take her out for a meal.
28:31This is perfect, man.
28:32Well, it...
28:33Joey, I was wondering if you could just help me move some stuff in my room.
28:36Oh.
28:37What is it?
28:38Oh, just some stuff I need to move.
28:40I'm on a half-hour break.
28:42What kind of stuff? Is it heavy?
28:45What's it matter what kind of stuff it is?
28:47Well, if it's heavy or awkward, Callum could give us a hand as well.
28:50Joey, she wants to have sex with you.
28:53What?
28:54Um...
28:56Callum, mate, mind if I...
28:58Just go.
29:01We'll see you later tonight with Jenny.
29:03And I'll see you in about half an hour.
29:05We might be a bit longer.
29:06Half hour-ish.
29:07Yeah.
29:08Send me a text if you need carrying down.
29:12I see your crazy friend has gone.
29:14You'll have to narrow that down a bit.
29:16Ah, this is good.
29:18Do you want another drink?
29:19Here.
29:20You wouldn't happen to know any girls that'd be interested in a free champagne dinner, would you?
29:24Si, claro.
29:25I know lots of girls.
29:26But this girl has to be beyond beautiful.
29:29I'm talking absolutely insane.
29:32She doesn't have to fancy me.
29:33It's not a real date.
29:34But she gets a champagne dinner out of it.
29:36I know just the girl.
29:38She's called Loca Lucy.
29:40Ooh, sounds good to me.
29:42I'll get you her number.
29:44Thanks, man.
29:51What's going on?
29:52We're supposed to be on a break.
29:54The man with the weird face.
30:01I can't catch you, kazoo.
30:03You're all as still as statues.
30:06Bean, what are you doing?
30:08We're playing musical statues.
30:11You shouldn't be bothering me with this.
30:14What the hell's going on?
30:16You again?
30:18We didn't clarify if this position included drinks or not.
30:21So I brought my own.
30:23I hope that's okay.
30:33Excuse me, pal.
30:34I don't suppose you've got a single euro coin, have you?
30:37No, I've got several.
30:39Now, piss off.
30:42Hello, Swifty.
30:43This is Moddy Staines here.
30:45I'm sitting at this cafe on the beachfront
30:48and your magician is nowhere to be seen.
30:51If you think you're going to get 10% of anything...
30:53Have you got a phone number?
30:55No, I don't have a phone number.
30:57I don't have a phone number.
30:59I don't have a phone number.
31:01If you think you're going to get 10% of anything...
31:03Have you got a five-euro note?
31:04Do you mind? I'm on a...
31:06Five euros?
31:08It was one euro a minute ago.
31:10I think you're going in the wrong direction, pal.
31:13Swifty, give us a call as soon as you've got this message.
31:16I have no act for the Solana tonight because...
31:21Eh?
31:24Swifty, don't bother calling back.
31:26Your magician has suddenly appeared.
31:30Why didn't you say you were the magician?
31:33Well, I tried to do a trick with your own money,
31:35but you won't give me a chance.
31:36But I thought you were a beggar.
31:38A beggar?
31:39I am the Great Crostini.
31:41The Great Unwashed, more like.
31:43Have you got a one-euro coin?
31:45Oh, Christ, not another one.
31:47I've done that one already.
31:48Sorry, I was in the toilet loading my big finish.
31:51Who are you?
31:52I'm Coe.
31:54I'm guessing not Sebastian.
31:56We are the Great Crostini and Coe.
31:58I am the Great Crostini.
32:00And I'm Coe.
32:03Do we get the gig at the Solana?
32:05I don't know.
32:06Well, your magic's all right,
32:07but could you make a couple of layers of dirt
32:09and that rather offensive pond disappear?
32:11That's not a very nice thing to say.
32:13The thing is, they've turned the water off at the caravan park.
32:16We could always freshen up at the hotel.
32:18Why do I think I'm going to regret this?
32:29Thanks.
32:31Not bad for free, eh?
32:34So, where is this mysterious Jenny?
32:37SHE LAUGHS
32:39She's actually called Lucy.
32:41I got her name wrong.
32:43I was very drunk.
32:44Probably won't even come.
32:45I haven't actually managed to speak to her today.
32:47We've only chatted by text message, so...
32:50Oh, we're not quite ready to order yet, sorry.
32:53Are you Callum?
32:54I'm sorry?
32:55I'm Lucy, from last night.
32:57Sorry I'm late, I come straight from work.
33:00Fucking hell, it's a dog's bollocks in here, isn't it?
33:03Is that champagne?
33:04Oh, my God, I love champagne.
33:08It does make me quite gassy, though.
33:10Ooh, there she blows.
33:12Actually, that'll be the curry I had for me dinner.
33:14I work at Karma Chameleon.
33:16The Indian opposite Mr Woo's, do you know it?
33:18Oh, my God, bread.
33:20I love bread.
33:22Oh, my God, bread.
33:24I love bread so much.
33:31What to do
33:33How to move him
33:36I've been changed
33:39Yes, really changed
33:43In these past few days
33:46When I see myself
33:50I seem like someone else
33:57Did you see the poster outside?
34:01There's a magician on tonight.
34:03Cos I used to dabble in a bit of prestidigitation in the 70s.
34:07Ah, I used to wonder what that police van was doing outside our house.
34:11Well, it's mainly all to do with false bottoms, you know.
34:15Oh, God, this isn't fair.
34:17You're not even letting me do the punchlines.
34:19Shame Sidney isn't here.
34:21She could tell you a few things about false bottoms.
34:23And what does that mean?
34:24And her name's Sid.
34:26I've worked it all out.
34:28She's not a gold digger.
34:29Oh, thank you, finally.
34:31Maybe we can all get along a bit better now.
34:33She's a dog smear.
34:35Oh, for God's sake.
34:37You mark my words.
34:39You're laughing now, but when it all comes out
34:41and our Rob's being bummed by Mr Big in a South American jail,
34:45he'll be the one wishing he had a false bottom.
34:48What did you put in that thing? Crystal meth?
34:50No, but I'd know where I'd go to if I wanted some.
34:55Hello, son.
34:56We've just been talking about...
34:58Magicians.
34:59There's a magician on tonight.
35:01Great. We'll get some drinks.
35:03Thanks, son.
35:04I go to powder my nose.
35:12So, where is he?
35:13Oh, he'll be here. He's just getting a shower.
35:16A shower?
35:17Yes, Joyce, a shower.
35:19The acts do freshen up before they go on stage.
35:22And what kind of magic does he do?
35:24He turned this receipt into a huge euro coin.
35:28He won't want paying, then.
35:35Yes, Sean?
35:36Hey, do you know my trousers,
35:37they are still sticky and wet because of your girlfriend?
35:40Yeah, she has that effect on most men.
35:42HE LAUGHS
35:47Bloody hell, it's the old Bill.
35:49I'm going to swap his shift with yours here on reception.
35:53Leslie, is your hair OK?
35:54I'm fine.
35:55Which one is Bill?
35:58He scares me so
36:01I want him so
36:04I love him so
36:09APPLAUSE
36:17Good evening, ladies and gentlemen.
36:24Monty Staines, your entertainment manager here,
36:27welcoming you to an evening of mystery and magic
36:32with the great Crostini and Co!
36:36APPLAUSE
36:47Halt!
37:17Halt!
37:32There you go.
37:34Well, thanks, son.
37:38Where's me Nana gone?
37:40No idea, but nobody's complaining.
37:42APPLAUSE
37:47Halt!
37:51Oh!
37:53Hey, you know, watching this, bloody amazing.
37:56I don't fancy yours much.
37:59Cos it's all very easy
38:01when you know how.
38:04Go on, then.
38:05Go on, then what?
38:06Where the bloody hell are all these doves coming from?
38:09I can't see which method he's using.
38:11We'll have to get a bit closer.
38:15I've been thinking.
38:17Oh, heck.
38:18If me owning the salon upsets you that much, Kenneth,
38:22I'll sell it on.
38:25Who to?
38:26I don't know. Anybody who wants it.
38:29Oh, brilliant.
38:30So now we end up with a boss that we don't even know.
38:32You weren't exactly thrilled with one that you do know.
38:34Look, I'm sorry, Jacqueline,
38:36but when I was given free rent at the salon by me Uncle Herbert,
38:40it didn't come true to me.
38:42Then he died and Norman O'Dorman got it and then Troy got it.
38:45Now you've got it.
38:46It just seems like all my dreams are getting further and further away from me.
38:49Well, it'll seem a lot further away if we get somebody in that we don't know.
38:53I know.
38:54Oh, I'm sorry, Jacqueline, I did overreact.
38:58It just always seems like the grass is greener on the other side.
39:01Like having a boyfriend.
39:02Oh, God, don't.
39:03What a nightmare he turned out to be.
39:05Do you know what it's like to have someone who's completely obsessed with you?
39:08Who worships the ground that you walk on
39:09and can't be without you for more than ten minutes at a time.
39:11Wonderful.
39:12No, it's bleeding awful.
39:14Back to the single life for me from now on.
39:16Back to one night stands and waking up on the bog in Café B at six o'clock in the morning.
39:20Do you mind if we don't drink tonight?
39:22No, very happy to drink on my own.
39:24Very happy indeed.
39:27And now, the great Crostini and co.
39:30require a volunteer for the world premiere of their new illusion.
39:36Here you are. Here you are.
39:47Yes, can I help you, pet?
39:48My son's locked himself out of his room.
39:51Is it possible to get a new key for...
39:53Oh, I've forgotten the room number and he's just told me.
39:57His name's Rob Dawson.
39:59He won't bother, won't he?
40:02And I said, I don't usually shag on the first date,
40:05but seeing as you're dead fit, I'll make an exception.
40:09Oh, God. Sorry. It's all this fizz.
40:13More champagne?
40:14No!
40:15Yeah, whack him, Pedro.
40:17Play your cards right and you'll get another go tonight.
40:19Although, no funny business.
40:21I had a lamp of sander before I left work
40:23cos somebody had left it and I'm feeling a bit bubbly, if you know what I mean.
40:26Right. Let's get one thing straight.
40:29I did not meet you last night.
40:31We did not have sex and we are not having sex tonight or ever.
40:34So this isn't the girl from last night?
40:37There was no girl from last night.
40:39I went home alone.
40:40Sorry, I don't understand.
40:42Mateo told me to say we had sex last night.
40:44He also said you were a looker,
40:46which I can only assume is Spanish for disgusting.
40:48Disgusting? Where did you get that from?
40:52Oh, God, I can't believe it.
40:54I knew I shouldn't have had that lamp of sander.
40:56Oh, my God!
40:57Sorry. Back in a minute.
41:28Ow!
41:30What the frigging hell do you think you're doing?
41:32His head's too big. Shut up.
41:41I just want to clear the air now me nana and grandad aren't here.
41:44I don't think your grandad's going to be here for much longer.
41:48I want you to know that me and Sid are serious.
41:51Deadly serious about our relationship.
41:54Can you not use words like deadly serious while this is going on, son?
41:57To prove it.
42:10Sid?
42:12Sid, will you marry me?
42:19Well, don't leave me down here all night.
42:25Oh, God.
42:27Robbie!
42:29Robbie!
42:38That's all we need.
42:40I just want to say, I have been treated very shabbily.
42:43Very shabbily indeed.
42:45Get out!
42:47I just want a job here. I'm an entertainer.
42:50You just need entertaining.
42:53Oi!
42:54How's it stuck?
42:55I don't know.
42:56Here, take it to you.
42:57To me. To me. To you. To you again.
42:59To me. To me. To you. To you again.
43:01To me again.
43:05Oh, Danny boy
43:08The pipes, the pipes are calling
43:14From glen to glen
43:17And down the mountain side
43:23For summer's gone
43:26And all the leaves are falling
43:32Tis you, tis you
43:35Must go and I must bide
43:41But come ye back
43:44Sounds very avant-garde, doesn't it?
43:46It's the Graham.
43:47Who?
43:48Kenneth, I love you.
43:51Jesus Christ!
43:53Get off me! Get off me!
43:56Kenny, I love you.
43:58No!
43:59I love you, Kenny!
44:02Well?
44:03You said you wanted someone insane.
44:05I said she had to look insane.
44:07So?
44:08She does this too.
44:09Insanely beautiful, I mean.
44:11OK.
44:12No, this is not local Lucy.
44:14Why do you call her Looker Lucy when she's quite clearly not a looker?
44:18Loka Lucy. Loka. It means crazy.
44:22Get off me! Get off me!
44:25Get off me!
44:27Get off me!
44:28Get off me! Get off me!
44:33Shit.
44:34Shit.
44:43What are you doing?
44:45Robbie? Robbie?
44:47I'm sorry, the reason I didn't answer you was because...
44:54I came up to leave something under your pillow.
45:05You two have a lovely night.
45:09And all my grave will warmer, sweeter be.
45:29Then you will bend and tell me that you love me.
45:40I think we'd better get out of here.
45:41To mine?
45:42To yours.
45:44Come to me!
45:58Come on!