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Short filmTranscript
00:00What's the matter with you, Boise? You don't seem your old self tonight, you ain't cheated once.
00:05No, sorry, Trigon, just a bit down, that's all.
00:09I mean, you don't know what it's like to have a wife who can't have children.
00:13I've tried to console her, I've said,
00:16Marlene, God didn't mean you to have kids, so shut up about it.
00:21Does the scene do well?
00:23I'd like to be someone's dad.
00:25We're down for another going over at the bloody hospital next week.
00:28I mean, embarrassing ain't the word.
00:30I'm sure they do half those tests just for a giggle.
00:34I mean, she's the one with the problem, why have I got to go?
00:37I never knew who my dad was.
00:39I heard your mum weren't that sure.
00:42You're out of order, mate. She knew who my dad was.
00:46Roughly.
00:48Now, come off it, Trigger, I see your birth certificate at school.
00:52What did your mum put down under father's name?
00:55Long time ago, wasn't it?
00:58What did she put down under father's name?
01:02Some soldiers.
01:06Well, maybe that's where I get my military bearing from.
01:09Oh, yeah, well, go on, do a counterattack, then.
01:14Where's Delroy tonight, then?
01:16Gone to the zoo.
01:17He's gone to...
01:18Don't ask.
01:19Right, then, come off now, Mickey.
01:20Yeah, I'll see you later, Amanda.
01:22Here, dog, take yourself to the chimney, yeah?
01:24Oh, cheers, Mick. I'll give you a bell in the week.
01:27She seems like a nice girl, Mickey.
01:29Yeah, well, you know how it is, mate.
01:31Every so often, a person fancies a bit of rough, and she'd pick you.
01:36That's a joke, isn't it?
01:37I remember you said something funny a couple of years ago.
01:40All right, Mick?
01:41All right, Rodney, what are you having?
01:43Oh, half and half.
01:44Here, mate, make that a big pint.
01:46Oi, oi, what you been up to, then?
01:48I'm waiting for Boyce, you know, delivering and picking up.
01:51He's in a video game in a big way.
01:53Pirates, noughties, all that.
01:55And it's cash in hand, no questions.
01:57Sweet as a nut.
01:58Where you been, out on a knocker?
02:00Oh, I'd just come back from my evening class, hadn't I?
02:02Oi, you know, I told you we'd applied for an Arts Council grant.
02:05We got it.
02:06Ever?
02:07Yeah, straight up.
02:08Mr Stephen's right, he's the head of our art group.
02:10He got confirmation this morning.
02:12We have got £10,000 to make a local community film.
02:16And we've got all the equipment, everything.
02:18And guess who's in charge of the project?
02:20You're putting me on.
02:21No, straight up, it's me.
02:23What I've got to do, you see, I've got to come up with the idea
02:25and then delegate the various responsibilities to all the other students.
02:28Yeah, well, put me in, wouldn't you?
02:29I'm a member of your art class, you know.
02:31Oh, come off it, Mickey.
02:32I only came one night.
02:33That's only because I told you we had a new model.
02:35Yeah, well, I thought it'd be a bird anyway.
02:41You've got to write it, Rodney.
02:43Yeah?
02:44Well, you're a natural when it comes to the written word.
02:46I'll never forget that thing you wrote some years back.
02:48What was it called?
02:49Oh, the indictment.
02:50That's it, the indictment.
02:51Yeah, that would have made a terrific book, you know.
02:53Yeah.
02:54Why didn't you send it to a publisher?
02:56Well, I'll be perfectly honest with you, Mickey.
02:57I could not think of a single publisher who could understand what I was saying.
03:01Yeah, it was a bit strange, wasn't it?
03:03All right, Rogers?
03:04Yeah.
03:05Hello, Del, what's your job?
03:06What am I having?
03:07A bleeding hard time with this little moaner here.
03:08I shouldn't be up in bales of hay or out at my time of life.
03:11Bales of hay?
03:12You see, Abdul's cousin's girlfriend's brother's mate's mate, right,
03:16he's a gamekeeper down at one of them private zoos.
03:18And Monkey Harris's sister's husband's first wife's stepfather, right,
03:22he works for an animal food company.
03:23So put the two together, what you got?
03:24Nice little learner.
03:25I don't want to worry you, but I think you've got something nesting in there, old son.
03:29Up your shirt.
03:31Oi, Rodney.
03:32Yeah, hang on.
03:33I'll see you in a minute.
03:34What?
03:35While you've been poncing around at your soppy art class,
03:37I'm about to unload two tonnes of hay.
03:39Oh, poncing around, is that what you're calling?
03:41Yeah.
03:42Well, for your information, this evening I was commissioned to make a film.
03:48Leave it out, Dave.
03:50I wouldn't leave you to make a jelly.
03:53I have heard rumours Mickey Mouse wears a Rodney Trotter wristwatch.
03:58It's true.
03:59I love it, boys.
04:00It's true, I'm telling you.
04:01I've got all the equipment and everything.
04:03I'm writing it, and Mickey Pierce is directing.
04:06You what?
04:07Mickey Pierce directing?
04:08He couldn't direct a seagull to the coast then.
04:10He has got experience in films.
04:12Well, that's any morning job and a photographic camera and boots,
04:15so leave it out, Rodney.
04:16Anyway, you couldn't write a film script.
04:18I mean, what was that book that you wrote?
04:19What was it called?
04:20The Indictment.
04:21I mean, that never got published, did it, eh?
04:23No, because you chucked it down a bloody chute.
04:25Yes, that's right, because I didn't want to see you disappointed.
04:28I mean, it was a bloody stupid story, it was.
04:30No murders in it or nothing.
04:31No, no.
04:32It was an indictment of a failing system, wasn't it?
04:35All right, it was a first effort,
04:36so it probably didn't have the same social impact as, say,
04:39Cathy Come Home.
04:40It didn't have the same social impact as Lassie Come Home.
04:44I'm sure you'll make it, Rodney.
04:45Anyone in it, we know.
04:46Yeah, I'll tell you what.
04:47All them birds are in it for a start, then.
04:50That's a shrewd move on your part, Rodney.
04:52You're the writer, Mickey's the director,
04:55so he gets the casting couch and you get the bar own.
05:15What are you up there?
05:16Here you are, Oscar.
05:17Here you are, quick.
05:18Come on in, come on in.
05:19I've got a present for you.
05:20Here you are.
05:21What is it?
05:22Go on in.
05:23Close your eyes.
05:24Oh, come on, Joe, what is it?
05:25Oh, come on, close your eyes.
05:27That Tom Stoppard I don't have to put up with all this.
05:30Right, go on in.
05:31Open them.
05:33Here you are.
05:34Well?
05:35Um, well, yeah, it's a typewriter, isn't it?
05:39Yes, it is.
05:40Um, well, yeah, it's a typewriter, isn't it?
05:43You see that, Albie?
05:44He recognised it straight away.
05:46That's the author in him.
05:48Yeah, well, come on, Rodney.
05:49Come on, let's get going.
05:50Boy, you'll soon have that old screenplay
05:52knocked out now, won't you?
05:53My son.
05:54Go on, there.
05:55It's old, isn't it?
05:57Most stuff to last in them days.
05:59That is quality, Rodney.
06:01Look at that crisp, by royal appointment.
06:04Oh, yeah, Victoria Regina.
06:09Well, go on.
06:10What?
06:11Yeah, you know, try it.
06:17It's a very faint deal, isn't it?
06:18Yeah, I know that.
06:19You've got to hit it harder than that, Rodney.
06:20Go on, have another go.
06:23It's still faint.
06:24Yeah, well, you've got to give it a good whack, haven't you?
06:26Come here, look, I'll show you.
06:27Look.
06:29There you are.
06:30There you are.
06:31Look at this.
06:32That's better, isn't it?
06:33Look.
06:34Yeah, that's great.
06:35Thanks a lot.
06:36Right, that's all right.
06:38Yeah, be creative.
06:39I can't just be creative at the drop of an hat, can I?
06:43There are certain things a writer needs before he can actually start writing.
06:47Like a story.
06:49You haven't even got a story?
06:51Not exactly.
06:52I've only been trying for a couple of days, haven't I?
06:54Listen, I've got an idea for a story, and it's a bloody good one and all.
06:57Do you want to hear it?
06:58No, I don't really do.
06:59That's charming, isn't it?
07:00You buy him a brand new typewriter and come up with a story for him.
07:04And what thanks do you get?
07:05I'll tell you what thanks I get, Albert.
07:07No sodding thanks.
07:09That's the thanks I get.
07:10All right, tell me your story, then.
07:12No, no, don't bother yourself, Rodney, please.
07:14I was only trying to help you, me.
07:15Oh, now, come on.
07:16Honestly, Dale.
07:17Seriously, I'd like to hear your story.
07:19Well, I need a bit of help, don't I?
07:24Right.
07:25OK.
07:26Now, this is a Jaws-type story.
07:29Jaws?
07:30Jaws has been done, though.
07:31No, no, no, it hasn't been done.
07:32But this is different.
07:33There is a rhino loose in the city.
07:40There is a rhino...
07:42Loose in the...
07:44As in rhinoceros?
07:46That's right.
07:47There is a rhino loose in the city.
07:49What's it about, Dale?
07:54Well, it's about...
07:55You see, this rhinoceros, right, escapes from the zoo and it heads straight for London.
07:59Right.
08:00And after two or three days, they find all these, like, dead bodies lying about,
08:03and no-one knows who's done it.
08:04Right.
08:05So they get hold of this private detective,
08:06you know, sort of like a Charlton Heston-type geezer,
08:09to try and solve the crime.
08:10Now, the zookeeper happens to be, you know, a very attractive woman.
08:14So, before you know where you are,
08:16old Charlton has given the salt what for.
08:18So, that's your romantic interest.
08:21Rhinoceros.
08:23But they don't know it's missing.
08:25But how...
08:26How can you not know?
08:28You know, if you've got a rhinoceros, right,
08:30and one day it ain't there, you tend to know it's missing.
08:33Don't be a plonker all your life, Rodney.
08:35I mean, she ain't got one rhinoceros.
08:37She's probably, like, got, you know, two or three rhinoceros this is.
08:40But how does it escape?
08:41Well, it squeezes through the bars, most probably.
08:43Don't you start getting saucy with me, Rodney.
08:45I'm only trying to help you, huh?
08:47I can't believe nobody knows it's escaped.
08:49What about the eight million people living in London?
08:51Don't none of them spot it?
08:53Yeah, but the ones who spot it,
08:55they're the ones who get trampled to death.
08:57What about all the others?
08:59The people in offices, the people in cabs,
09:01the people sitting on tops of buses?
09:03It's a rhino, Dale.
09:06He only comes out at night.
09:10What is it, a vampire rhino?
09:12No, it's not a vampire rhino.
09:14That's stupid, that, isn't it, eh?
09:16Where's he live during the day?
09:18In a lock-up garage in a back street.
09:22Well, he's leasing it, is he?
09:24No, he's not leasing it.
09:26It's in a news garage in a back street where no-one ever goes.
09:28But the detective does find it,
09:30um, only it's at night.
09:32And the rhino's gone out?
09:34That's right.
09:36See, so the old detective is nowhere near solving the mystery.
09:38You see what it is, Rodney, not only is it a love story,
09:40it's a new dunnit.
09:42A new dunnit? What do you mean, a new dunnit?
09:44We know who dunnit, the rhino dunnit.
09:48I know the wee, weedy audience, right, we know that,
09:50but they don't know the actors, do they?
09:52Well, this is something... A rhinoceros has escaped.
09:54From the zoo.
09:56There are 300 dead bodies covered in rhinoceros footprints,
09:58there's a lock-up garage two and a half foot deep
10:00in rhinoceros crap,
10:02and John Heston suspects them out there.
10:10Well, I do admit they're one or two thieving snags,
10:14but it's got all the essential qualities of a hit, hasn't it, eh?
10:16I mean, it's got suspense, lots of killings,
10:18and a bit of hunty-dunty.
10:20I mean, look, this is a disaster movie.
10:22Disaster? It's a calamity movie.
10:24Why is he killing people?
10:26Well, what do you want it to be, a social worker?
10:30Well, he's a man-eater, isn't he?
10:32No, no.
10:34Rhinoceroses aren't carnivorous, they're vegetarian.
10:38All right, all right, so we elbow the lock-up garage
10:40and we make him hide in the back of a health food shop.
10:44And he wouldn't head for the city, neither.
10:46But he's got to head for the city
10:48so he can kill lots of people.
10:50No, his natural habitat would be the open country.
10:56All right, so what are you suggesting?
10:58We call the film
11:00There's a Rhino Loose Somewhere Out in the Sticks
11:02Where No Zod Lives.
11:04You don't call the likes of Charlton Eston
11:06in because something's eating the carrots.
11:08I think it's a good idea.
11:10Thank you very much, Albert.
11:12Yes, well, I'll pass.
11:14All right, then.
11:16Just wanted to put an idea in your head, that was all.
11:18I've only got a small budget, haven't I?
11:20I know, that's the beauty of it, Rodney.
11:22I know where there's a rhinoceros going cheap.
11:26Yeah, all right, Chas.
11:28Yeah, I'll knock out that stuff for you tomorrow night, yeah.
11:30Eh?
11:32I'm not sure whether we'll be wanting a rhino now.
11:34We won't.
11:36All right.
11:38Listen, I'll give you a bell tomorrow night, Chas.
11:40All right.
11:42Wait, Tony, come on, where's that grub?
11:44We've been waiting here half an hour.
11:46There's something I want to catch on the telly.
11:48The epilogue.
11:50Yeah, so's Christmas.
11:52Where are they?
11:54Look, I told you that we want two chicken and rice
11:56and one Spanish omelette.
11:58Two chicken and rice, one Spanish omelette.
12:00Oh, my God, he can't even speak the lingo, can he?
12:02What's the matter with him?
12:04Well, how did you get on with your story, then?
12:06Well, I've got the kernel of an idea.
12:08You know, I'm just waiting for it to develop somewhat.
12:10It's what writers call a gestation period.
12:12And what do you call it?
12:14And where's your director, then, Rodney?
12:16He's equating himself with a video camera
12:18and all the equipment.
12:20Yeah, he's down at Town Hall filming a wedding.
12:24What do you mean, he's down at Town Hall filming a wedding?
12:26Well, no, you see, what happened was
12:28I went down at Town Hall and then round the churches,
12:30you know, taking notes of the bands,
12:32then I contacted the brides and asked them
12:34if they would like their happiest day recorded on film
12:36for 50 quid a fro.
12:38I don't believe you're doing this to me.
12:40Well, look, Rodney, that Mickey Pierce,
12:42he's just got to practice with that camera, hasn't he?
12:44You know, he's got to work out how to focus it and all that.
12:46You know, it's, why not earn while you learn?
12:48That's what I say.
12:50Anyway, Boise, he nicks all them tapes from Boise, doesn't he, eh?
12:52But, Dale, this is an opportunity for me
12:54and all you're doing is making money out of it.
12:56Look, it'll be all right
12:58because he's only got five or six weddings to do,
13:00two or three christenings, and he's finished.
13:02Dale, that camera, it's council property.
13:04Yeah, so's the Town Hall.
13:06Yeah, see, there you go.
13:08You're just abusing the trust shown in me, aren't you?
13:10Will you shut up, you tart?
13:12Look, here, here is your share.
13:14I do not want it.
13:16Oh, well, please yourself.
13:18Goes back in the bin.
13:20All right, just this once.
13:22Don't do me no favours, Rodney, will you, eh?
13:24You've not got to know.
13:26How on it, Boise?
13:28I keep telling you, Marlene, them doctors don't know everything.
13:30They're just a bunch of chancers, that's all.
13:32Oh, good afternoon. I phoned an order through earlier.
13:34Mr. Boise?
13:36Oh, yes, I go see.
13:38Oh, good afternoon, Derek.
13:40I didn't realise you and your family were dining out.
13:42Oh, yes, I like to treat them once in a while.
13:44Keeps the morale up, doesn't it?
13:46Hello, darling.
13:48Hey, is my little godson in there yet?
13:50No, he ain't, and he ain't likely to be with him around.
13:52Oh, Marlene.
13:54Marlene, bloody nothing.
13:56All these years, you've said it was my fault we couldn't have kids.
13:58They've just discovered there's nothing wrong with me.
14:00It's him.
14:02Ain't it bleeding fair, eh?
14:04What's the matter, then, Boise?
14:06You ain't a nafter, are you?
14:08See what you've started now, Marlene?
14:10Even the doctors ain't allowed to discuss this
14:12outside the confines of the laboratory,
14:14and you're holding a public debate in a Chinese takeaway.
14:16He's got what doctors call a low count.
14:20Can't really buy a calculator, do you, Boise?
14:24What's it mean?
14:26Nothing.
14:28It means he's been firing more blanks than a territorial.
14:32Are you happy now, Marlene?
14:34Mr. Boise?
14:36Go on, boss.
14:40Yes, thank you very much.
14:42It's our anniversary next Friday.
14:44Oh, yeah.
14:4620 years.
14:48Oh, that's something to celebrate, isn't it?
14:50Anyway, we've hired the pub, and you're all invited.
14:52Oh, lovely. We'll be there, sweetheart.
14:54Yes, well, come along, then, Marlene.
14:56Oh, right.
14:58Oh, Woodney, is that right?
15:00You're making a film?
15:02I used to act a bit when I was younger.
15:04Actually, someone once said
15:06that I had a promising career in films.
15:08Yeah, then talkies come along and ruined it.
15:10Let's go, Marlene.
15:12So long, Marlene.
15:14Bye-bye, Boise.
15:20Here, what about that, then?
15:22Old Boise being a jaffa.
15:24A jaffa?
15:26Yeah, you know, seedless.
15:28Hey, Boise.
15:30I could use Boise's problem
15:32as a theme for my film, couldn't I?
15:34No, cos that hospital they attend, right,
15:36that's one of the leading centres for genetic research,
15:38artificial insemination and all that.
15:40That's quite interesting.
15:42Oh, yeah, on the edge of your seat stuff there, isn't it, eh?
15:44Hey, you thought any more about the rhino story?
15:46Bill, I'm not doing a film
15:48about a blood-sucking rhino and a deadly detective.
15:50No, that hospital interests me, though.
15:52I don't reckon they should be allowed to do it.
15:54Freezing things and all that.
15:56They're messing around with nature.
15:58No, they're not messing around with nature, are they?
16:00They're assisting nature.
16:02See, cos they only freeze the ova, or eggs, right,
16:04until they are ready to be fertilised, right?
16:06And then they get the egg,
16:08and, well, they sort of...
16:10they mix it...
16:12Well, there's this geyser...
16:14Oh, yeah, I call it an omelette, yeah?
16:16Yeah.
16:18Do you know what I reckon in a few years' time,
16:20a young married couple wanting to start a family,
16:22they won't go to the doctors.
16:24LAUGHTER
16:36Everything all right, Rodney?
16:38No. The T and the A are missing.
16:40Oh, well, it's no problem, is it?
16:42Well, it is if I want to write words like act.
16:44Yeah, well, you'll find a way round it.
16:46I've got faith in you, I really have.
16:48Anyway, how are you coming on? Can I have a read or something?
16:50No, you can't. It ain't finished yet.
16:52Hey, what's this? Just a minute.
16:54What's this red mark up here on the top?
16:56Is that something technical, is it?
16:58No, one of my fingers started bleeding.
17:00Oh, never mind, never mind. You'll be all right.
17:02Hey, I'll tell you what, your movie and I've caused a stir around here.
17:04Yeah, you'll be surprised how many actors and actresses live locally.
17:06I don't mean, you know, like professionals,
17:08but just a lot of new, fresh,
17:10untapped talent.
17:12There, look, I made a list for you. There you are.
17:16LAUGHTER
17:18I'm not suggesting I use all these people in my film.
17:20Just extras, Rodney, just extras.
17:22Never mind the quantity, think about the quality.
17:24I'm thinking about the money, Dale.
17:26Well, I did say a tenner a day.
17:28I can't afford to pay them a tenner a day.
17:30No, they'd pay us a tenner a day.
17:32You're just exploiting people again, aren't you?
17:34No, I am not, Rodney. Look, look, I've given them your word now.
17:36Well, you had no right to.
17:38All right, here is your share.
17:40All right, there you go, look.
17:44And they're just extras?
17:46Just extras, that's all.
17:48Oh, by the way, there's a list here
17:50of local businesses you might like to mention.
17:52All right.
17:54Good boy.
17:56LAUGHTER
17:58The Seventh Heaven Sauna Parlour?
18:00Yeah, we just mentioned something,
18:02it's like a relaxing atmosphere, nice and friendly service,
18:04you know what I mean?
18:06Oh, is the Undertaker's down there?
18:08No.
18:10Oh, well, bear it in mind, will you?
18:12Dale, why are you doing this to me?
18:14I had high hopes when I started this project.
18:16You know, I featured in a national film for you.
18:18What's the matter with you?
18:20You're earning, ain't you?
18:22Listen, I've got to shoot, I've got another client to meet.
18:24Might mean another booking.
18:26Talking about that,
18:28what is a natural birth?
18:30Never mind, I'll find out myself.
18:32Don't worry about it.
18:34Hey, Albert, do you want a lift?
18:36Yeah, I'll be with you in a minute, son.
18:38Well, come on, shift yourself.
18:40I ain't got all night, you know.
18:42See you later.
18:44Listen, I might have another booking for you later on.
18:46I'll give you a bell, all right?
18:48All right, Rodney?
18:50No, it is not all right. This is getting out of hand, look.
18:52What is it, a petition?
18:54No, that's our cast list.
18:56And here's a list of all the shops and businesses
18:58we've got to advertise.
19:00Have you forgot the Undertakers?
19:02You mean you knew about it?
19:04Well, it's good business, Rodney.
19:06Right, I'm all fat now, Rodney.
19:08I'll get it.
19:10Yeah, good. Look, it's got to stop, Mickey.
19:12We're business, aren't we?
19:14We've got more extras than Ben-Hur here.
19:16Watch it, babe!
19:18This is Amanda.
19:20It's a what?
19:22Amanda.
19:24Look, I'm taking her out for a drink tonight,
19:26so I asked her round here
19:28so you could make her a nice cup of coffee.
19:30All right, Rodney?
19:32Oh, yeah, yeah, OK.
19:40Do you take sugar?
19:42Two, please.
19:46Mickey, could I have a moment of your time, please?
19:48What's up?
19:50Why is she wearing a nurse's uniform?
19:52She's just come off duty.
19:54Oh, yeah? You must think I've just come off a banana boat.
19:56What are you playing at?
19:58Look, I've been delivering these films for Boise, you know,
20:00so I know where I can sell them.
20:02Well, then, why waste it?
20:04We can cut the middle man out.
20:06I'd like to cut your liver out.
20:08You are not making any films in this flat.
20:10Do you understand? Both of you.
20:12All right, Rodney, I need to get out of your prime about it.
20:14All right, you sit down.
20:16I'll make you a cup of coffee, then you can both hit the road.
20:22What is happening?
20:24What the bloody hell is happening?
20:26I've got a cast of thousands.
20:28I've got more advertising than Pearl and Dean.
20:30I've got Emmanuel in Peckham.
20:32Oh, this is a bloody nightmare.
20:34Now, Rodney, Rodney, calm down.
20:36Calm down.
20:38Deep breaths.
20:40Nice and easy, does it?
20:42Night nurse, take one.
20:44Night nurse, take one?
20:48Let it slip to the ground.
20:50Mickey, you'd better not be doing...
20:52Oh, no, Mickey!
20:54No, get your pong back!
20:56Oh, bloody hell!
21:00Hold them up.
21:02That's it.
21:04Move them about a bit.
21:06Oh, come on, hurry up, Mickey.
21:08Lovey don't like smiling for too long.
21:10OK, everybody.
21:12That's a wrap.
21:14Oh, what's a wrap?
21:16Happy anniversary, dear.
21:18Happy anniversary.
21:20Get a move on. We've got that christening to do in 20 minutes.
21:22Yes, I'll be with you in just a moment, Mickey.
21:24Yeah, all right. I'll wait for you down at church, then.
21:26All right, Rodney.
21:28What's that, son?
21:30Here we go, Rodney.
21:32My son, there is your shirt.
21:34I don't like this, Del. You know I don't like this.
21:36I know, I know.
21:38Here, Del, we're slipping out of the back room.
21:40Oh, right, good.
21:42Hello, Rodney.
21:44Of all the bars in all the world, you had to walk into mine.
21:46You're in my film as well, ma'am, are you?
21:48Yeah, it's just a little cameo role, son.
21:50I'll see you in a minute. Come on, Del.
21:52Come on in, Rodney.
21:54Go on, hurry up, you lot.
21:56You're enjoying rather well.
21:58Oh, yeah, it's really nice, isn't it, Vicar?
22:00I married the happy couple all those years ago.
22:02Of course, I had hoped by now
22:04that the good Lord would have blessed their union
22:06with an offspring or two.
22:08But if it's not to be...
22:10Well, I'd heard that because of the precarious state
22:12of the world, Boise and Marlene
22:14had decided against starting a family.
22:16Oh, really?
22:18I heard that Boise was a jaffer.
22:22Tell me, is it true
22:24that you are making a film, Rodney?
22:26Oh, yeah, we got an Arts Council grant, yeah.
22:28Well, I was talking with Derek.
22:30Yeah, I'll give you a bell when we start shooting.
22:32Thank you, my boy.
22:34All right, then, yes, everybody's got a drink.
22:36Even the Vicar's in on it now.
22:38What do you want to drink?
22:40What's your day?
22:42All right, Treg?
22:44Oh, this is getting bloody stumpy.
22:46All right, gentlemen,
22:48would you like to settle down?
22:50Yes, let's get down here.
22:52Wait, wait, wait, I'm in the front.
22:54Right now, the Boise Video
22:56and Leisure Arts Company
22:58is proud to present the British premiere
23:00of Night Nurse.
23:04From the novel by
23:06Enid Blyton.
23:08I read it, I read it.
23:10Oh, here we go.
23:12Oh, that's a bit unexpected, isn't it?
23:14Hey, look at that one.
23:16I've got no sympathy for her, look.
23:18Oh, no, no, no, Dale, that's got to be special effects.
23:20It's real.
23:22Oh, no, shut up, that's starting proper now.
23:24Hang on a minute.
23:26Where do they get these grotty flanks to film in?
23:30Here.
23:32I've seen that bird before somewhere, aye?
23:36Go on, girl, let's have a look.
23:38Oh, dear, I'm tired.
23:40I've just come back from nursing.
23:46Oh, dear, oh, dear.
23:48Oh, dear.
23:52I know she's got her earmuffs off now, look.
24:04Rodney!
24:08It was nothing to do with me, Dale.
24:10It was a Mickey Pierce production.
24:12Mickey Pierce, you wait till I get hold of him,
24:14I'm going to stuff that camera half a mile up his nostril.
24:16Rodney, didn't you have any idea what you were getting yourself into?
24:18Well, I thought Boise wouldn't be too pleased, you know,
24:20somebody muscling in on his business and that.
24:22God, shoot, Boise!
24:24Boise's not the one that's worrying me,
24:26it's his partners that are giving me grief.
24:28Do you know he's backing him behind this?
24:30Only the Driscoll brothers, that's all.
24:32Have you heard of them?
24:34No.
24:36No? Well, let's hope they haven't heard of you.
24:38Now, I'm going to see if I can save your knees
24:40and make sure they stay in the same place.
24:42I'm going to stuff this lot down a car seat.
24:44I promise.
24:46Hello, Rodney.
24:48All right for a cup of coffee?
24:50Oh, yes. Do come in, Mickey.
24:52I've brought a few friends with me.
24:54Oh, yeah?
24:56Piercey, I want to have you all with me!
24:58You come here, you!
25:00You wait!
25:02Piercey, you come here!
25:04PHONE RINGS
25:06Hello?
25:08Oh, Mr Stephens, hi.
25:10Yeah?
25:12Yeah, and have you had a chance to read it?
25:14Great!
25:16Well, what do you think?
25:18Oh, and please, be truthfully blunt with me.
25:20OK?
25:22Yeah.
25:24Uh-huh.
25:26Yeah, well, that's truthfully blunt,
25:28isn't it, Mr Stephens?
25:30Yes, there are a lot of characters in it,
25:32yes, but all vital to the theme,
25:34I thought.
25:36Yeah, well, I actually wanted to write a film
25:38that not only dealt with the contemporary issues
25:40but also challenged some of the more
25:42widely held beliefs of modern youth.
25:44No, that's no problem,
25:46cos my brother knows
25:48where he can get us a rhino.
25:50Yeah!