8 Out of 10 Cats. S02 E02.

deaddogsmoking
deaddogsmoking
  • 2 months ago
First broadcast 17th February 2006.

Jimmy Carr

Sean Lock
Dave Spikey
John Pohlhammer

Paddy McGuinness
Jade Goody
Reginald D Hunter
Ed Byrne
Transcript
00:00-♪♪
00:10-♪♪
00:20Tune up on 8 Out Of 10 Cats.
00:23From Max and Patty, it's Patrick McGinnis,
00:27Charlie Mann, Ed Byrne,
00:30and their captain, Dave Spikey.
00:33And facing them tonight,
00:35just stepped out of the salon,
00:37it's Jade Goody,
00:39comedian Reginald D. Hunzer,
00:42and their captain, John Locke.
00:46Now, welcome your host,
00:48my friend and yours, Jimmy Carr.
00:53Hello, and welcome to 8 Out Of 10 Cats,
00:56a show about opinion polls, surveys, and statistics.
00:59Did you know, for example,
01:01if you were to count up every hot dog
01:03sold outside football grounds in Britain on a Saturday,
01:06chances are your nickname's Rain Man.
01:1040,000 Americans are injured in the toilet every year.
01:14Most accidents are from people slipping on a wet floor.
01:17Just goes to show, you've got to look out for number one.
01:20Half of all the people who have ever smoked have now stopped.
01:23Sounds good, but when I say stopped,
01:25a lot of them have died.
01:27Let's get started.
01:37What are you talking about? That's the name of our first round.
01:40We've teamed up with a leading polling organisation,
01:42and they've asked the British nation
01:44what stories they've been discussing this week.
01:46It's our panellists' job to find out.
01:49Dave, your team to go first.
01:51What have the nation been talking about this week?
01:53Well, we know it's been this smoking ban.
01:55I think the government reneged on the deal again,
01:57where they said it was going to be a partial ban.
02:00I know they've changed their mind and it's a full ban.
02:02We're going to have designated areas in pubs, weren't we, for smoking.
02:06And to my mind, that's like having a swimming bath
02:08with designated urinating areas.
02:11It's part of the week that Tony Blair
02:13is going to be talking about smoking.
02:16It's part of the week that Tony Blair was worried about
02:19in his dual premiership.
02:21He was worried about this week because him and Brown
02:23were trying to push these measures through,
02:25and so far they've got them all through, I think.
02:27I've been in this country since, what, 1997?
02:29And I've been hearing about Gordon Brown
02:31going to eventually be Prime Minister,
02:33and there's supposed to be this shift of power,
02:35and he was in a paper about it again this week.
02:37And I noticed Gordon seemed to have a lot more to say about this
02:40than Tony do.
02:42I was like, he's a girlfriend
02:44who thinks he's a girlfriend,
02:46but he ain't really no girlfriend.
02:48I see him every day, and I'm like,
02:50when am I going to be Prime Minister?
02:52And Tony's like, soon, baby.
02:54Paperwork, baby.
02:56You know, paperwork takes time.
02:58People I always felt sorry for in Ireland
03:00since they brought in the smoking ban
03:02is the passive smokers, you know?
03:04Because these people are, you know,
03:06who have been passively smoking all their drinking lives.
03:08They're sitting in pubs now going,
03:11It's brilliant.
03:13But why do I feel so terribly on edge all of a sudden?
03:15There's a ban on drinking in pubs as well.
03:17That's really lousy for your health.
03:19And the idea that it's anti-social,
03:21I have never seen a group of smokers
03:23rampaging down the high street,
03:25kicking in windows,
03:27pushing old ladies out and going,
03:29Whee! Whee!
03:33If they do go on a rampage down the streets,
03:35it's not very far, because they tend to run out of breath
03:37about halfway down that street.
03:40Is there going to be police forces
03:42in every single pub and restaurant?
03:44So when you light a cigarette, they say,
03:4650 quid, please. Put that out or you're arrested.
03:48What you do is, the reason people stop
03:50is not for the fine, it's just everyone going...
03:54I think we lead the world in tutting, don't we?
03:56When I first brought it in Ireland,
03:58I wasn't even thinking, and I went to light up a cigarette.
04:00First time I was back, and the guy's like,
04:02Ah, you can't smoke in here. You'll have to take it outside.
04:04It's the law. I'm like, fair enough.
04:06On my way out, he goes, Ah, but you can take your drink outside.
04:09You're just trying to annoy me now, aren't you?
04:11As I stand outside, I just leave my beer
04:13just inside the door, and just stand outside,
04:15and just sort of look at my beer as I'm smoking it back.
04:17You can feel the beer looking back at you.
04:19You, the beer, the fag, you all know in our hearts
04:21you belong together.
04:23They've had that in some American cities, haven't they?
04:25Do you approve?
04:27Well, as I live here, I couldn't give a fuck
04:29about what go on back there.
04:34There are some who really fancy a cigarette,
04:36but it's going to be quite tricky.
04:38You know, if you've just cheated death in an air disaster,
04:40do you really want to have a cigarette, then?
04:42I reckon they'll let you.
04:44If you've just cheated death in an air disaster.
04:46But you won't care, anyway, will you?
04:48You'll just go, Piss off.
04:50Put that plane out.
04:54Are you saying, like, if your seat somehow
04:56gets thrown out of the plane into a pub?
04:58Yeah.
05:00Well, let's have a look and see whether the smoking ban
05:02is one of the top five most talked about things this week.
05:04Get in.
05:06Yes, it is.
05:10Interestingly, the ban on smoking will not apply to Wales,
05:12which is one more reason to visit Wales,
05:14which brings the total to one.
05:18Sean, Jay, Reginald,
05:20what else have the nation been talking about this week?
05:22Well, I think definitely the Winter Olympics.
05:24The thing I find really fascinating is the judges
05:26in the ice skating, they're just so harsh.
05:28As you can see, the ice skaters
05:30do amazing things, like leap in the air,
05:32do three twists, come down on one leg,
05:34skate off, spin round,
05:36and we're all going, that's amazing.
05:38And the judge goes, moved his head.
05:42I'd like to see what score I'd get on the ice.
05:44Have you ever skated before?
05:46A little bit, but I'd be clinging to the side.
05:48What score I'd get?
05:50Well, I'd get, like, 0.1.
05:52We win very little, so we could introduce events
05:54that we'd have a chance of winning over here
05:56that we're good at in this country.
05:58Sliding down a hill on a bin bag.
06:00They'd be at the top of the hill like that at Swiss Point.
06:02What do you think, Hangs? We'd be halfway down. Come on, Billy!
06:04Trees, in and out of trees.
06:06We could have old men clearing the path, really.
06:08Missing each snow.
06:10Yeah.
06:12I love the curling, do you not?
06:14I can't go to bed if curling's on.
06:16Six-pack bag of nuts, I'm up all night if curling's on.
06:18I'm like, that me.
06:20Use your brush, use your brush!
06:22I think it's nice if in the middle of the target
06:24they had a hole, and you heard a big sploosh.
06:26Yeah.
06:28Do you know, this year, one of the English teams said
06:30the ice is not up to the standard it should be
06:32for Olympics, and so it's not as exciting
06:34as it should be.
06:36And how are you gonna have a Winter Olympics
06:38and not have a snowball fight?
06:40They should have a snowball fight,
06:42everybody wearing a flag, representing their country,
06:44and whoever just get busted,
06:46sitting in the head.
06:48If we drew Germany in the semifinals.
06:50Ooh!
06:52It'd be good, Sid.
06:54Get some call-in, Billy, get some call-in, eh?
06:58Can I just say, are you sure you know what you're talking about?
07:00Because I didn't think the Olympics even started,
07:02because I thought you was having an ear.
07:06No, you're absolutely right, the Olympics is on.
07:08I'm mental.
07:10I don't know what I'm talking about.
07:12What are you talking about, the Winter Olympics?
07:14Will you shut up, we're just mad!
07:18It's gonna be in ear somewhere.
07:20When is it here, when's it here, Jade?
07:22I'm a bit confused if he's on that.
07:24No, you might be right.
07:26Jesus Christ, you better tell Hazel Irvin,
07:28and the whole British team out there,
07:30reporting these crazy foreigners slipping about on the ice.
07:32I thought you might be watching that
07:34celebrity ice-skating thing.
07:36You've been watching celebrity ice-skating
07:38and you got confused?
07:40No.
07:42You know, that's the first thing I flick on
07:44when I come home in the evening.
07:46I don't wanna drink, I don't wanna smoke,
07:48I don't wanna touch nobody's ass,
07:50There's not enough dogs on ice.
07:54Take a dog
07:56into the middle of an ice rink,
07:58put it down, go off to the edge,
08:00shout it.
08:06Well, let's have a look and see
08:08whether the Winter Olympics is one of the most talked about things this week.
08:10Oh, it is!
08:14Yes, the Winter Olympics
08:16kicked off last week.
08:18As Tom Clemens took part in the 10K
08:20skiing sprint, he had to be content
08:22with 79th position.
08:24He was beaten by spring.
08:28Scientists had to invent a new metal for his medal.
08:30Last year.
08:32Dave, what else have the nation been talking about this week?
08:34What about that bloke,
08:36the British guy,
08:38the climber on holiday in Spain,
08:40who ended up having to survive by drinking his own piss.
08:42Which takes something out of the story
08:44when you're using it as a chat-up, I think.
08:46Yes, it's about five days.
08:48Just me, man against the elements.
08:50What did you do? Well, I had to make a little covey
08:52in a crevasse of grass.
08:54I drank my own piss.
08:56You did what?
08:58I hid in a crevasse. No, no, after that.
09:00Drank my own piss.
09:02Yeah, all right, see you later.
09:04It was a brilliant story, but it wasn't one of the most talked about things this week.
09:06This was the story of a British man
09:08who kept himself alive on a Spanish mountain
09:10by drinking his own urine.
09:12He managed to inch himself along the ground
09:14300 metres with a broken hip
09:16and beat the British bobsleigh record
09:18by 1.39 seconds.
09:20Johnstein, what else have people been talking about this week?
09:22Valentine's Day.
09:24People have been talking about that.
09:26I think Asda had a card.
09:28Their big publisher had a card which was
09:30retail for 8p.
09:32If someone got me that, I'd be mortified.
09:34Well, the thing is, though, Jade,
09:36if you hung around till closing time, you'd get it for 6p.
09:38I'd be sneaking.
09:44I don't celebrate
09:46Valentine's Day, all that crazy stuff.
09:48Just, it bugs me.
09:50It's International Test Day
09:52so a woman gets to test how much
09:54a man loves her. For instance,
09:56I can't tell my lady if she's got a fat ass.
09:58Nah, because you're not supposed to
10:00tell a lady she's got a fat ass.
10:02Even if she asks you if she's got a fat ass,
10:04you can't say she's got a fat ass
10:06even though she suspects she's got a fat ass.
10:08But I got to lie
10:10and subvert reality
10:12and pretend that she don't have a fat ass
10:14when in reality, the reason I'm with her
10:16is because she's got a fat ass.
10:22If you had just told her
10:24she's got a fat ass now.
10:26Hey baby, happy Valentine's Day.
10:28I'm quite a traditionalist
10:30with that. I like all the chocolates
10:32and flowers and all that. I've just come back off
10:34my holidays today and
10:36the girl out there, we went out,
10:38lovely meal, flowers,
10:40came back to the room, chocolates,
10:42made love all night and I'll never forget
10:44the morning after as I was counting
10:46the money out.
10:50I don't know if you read this also this week.
10:52In China, the most popular gift on
10:54Valentine's Day was plastic surgery.
10:56It really was.
10:58It was like, I love you more than life itself.
11:00Here, go and get your face changed.
11:02Let's have a look and see if Valentine's
11:04was one of the most talked about things this week.
11:06Valentine's Day
11:08is the one day of the year
11:10when you receive anonymous mail
11:12where the sender reveals they want to have sex with you
11:14and you think, aw, that's nice.
11:16We've got two more to get buzzing
11:18if you think you know what the nation
11:20have been talking about.
11:22Is it the US vice president going out hunting
11:24and shooting his mate?
11:28She's really funny. I mean, he said
11:30I'm a stooking for a quail.
11:32Did you see the size of that fucking quail?
11:36It's a shame he didn't go with Bush though, isn't it?
11:38That would have been nice if he'd shot Bush.
11:40That would have been perfect.
11:42George Bush pops out of a bush
11:44and he's blown his stupid face off.
11:46Now, Reg, you're an American man.
11:48Have you been hunting?
11:50Uh, no, I've never been hunting.
11:52I've been in the forest with a gun, but...
11:56Don't threaten me, Reg.
11:58I was doing something else, though.
12:02I didn't think you showed quails
12:04when I went out hunting.
12:06I only said that you showed ferrets, rabbits.
12:08You went hunting?
12:10You sure you weren't working for Red To Kill?
12:12You weren't hitting rats with a shovel?
12:16And I'm going to go to shoot the ferrets.
12:18You're going to go and shoot ferrets?
12:20In the season.
12:22Is there a season for shooting ferrets?
12:24That's what they said.
12:28Do you mean pheasants?
12:30Pheasants!
12:35Right, shall we have a look and see
12:37if Dick Cheney shooting someone in the face
12:39is one of the top stories this week?
12:41Yes, it is.
12:43Yes, 52% of you were talking about
12:45American Vice President Dick Cheney
12:47shooting a lawyer in the face
12:49in the woods outside Dallas.
12:51Right, we've got one more thing to get.
12:53Fingers on buzzers.
12:55Is it the chip and pin card?
12:57If you're buying anything, you've got to know you've pinned them.
12:59You can't sign for it anymore. Is it that?
13:01Well, that's been a very big story this week.
13:03I've lost money disappearing out of my bank account
13:05going to what do you call it? Shopping on the internet.
13:07I don't even know how to use it, so that's not me.
13:09And also gambling.
13:11And I don't gamble, and apparently I've won a few bets and all,
13:13but I don't know how because I've never even been on it.
13:15So this chip and pin thing is quite good.
13:17I feel like I'm on a bus.
13:22I'm listening in.
13:26Let's have a look and see if chip and pin
13:28was one of the most talked about things this week.
13:30Yes, it was.
13:3294% of you were talking about the introduction
13:34of chip and pin this week.
13:36Right, well, at the end of that round, I can tell you that
13:38Sean, Jade and Reginald have two points.
13:40Dave, Ed and Paddy have three points.
13:47Join me after the break when we'll be finding out,
13:49amongst other things, what most annoys men.
13:51See you then.
14:02Welcome back to 8 Out Of 10 Count.
14:04The next round is called The Poll With A Hole.
14:06We've looked through hundreds of surveys, past and present,
14:08from around the world and unearthed some fascinating facts.
14:11Unfortunately, each statistic is missing one salient piece of information,
14:14so it's up to the panellists to fill in the gaps.
14:1660% of air passengers have had problems with what?
14:20The pilot.
14:22I just judged this on one incident where I was flying recently to Alicante
14:25and we got to 35,000 feet.
14:27He came on a pilot, Captain Johnson speaking,
14:29reached our cruising altitude, 35,000 feet,
14:31on the way to Alicante, weather on route's five...
14:34Shit!
14:39That was it.
14:41And we sat there like...
14:43He came back on and he went,
14:44I'm really sorry, I might have scared some passengers.
14:46And what happened was, in the middle of my announcement,
14:48the stewardess brought me a coffee and spilt it on me.
14:50And that was all he was.
14:51I'm sorry.
14:52And he said, you want to see the front of me pants?
14:54And some bloke at the back went, you want to see the back of mine?
14:5960% of earth passengers have had problems with...
15:03A life jacket under your seat and not a parachute.
15:08Is he collecting their luggage?
15:10Because I get my bags last on average once out of every time.
15:16I always feel like when I check in and they say,
15:17would like to ask a few questions about your bags,
15:19I feel like saying, well, I'd like to ask you a few questions about my bags.
15:22I'm tired of getting on a plane.
15:23Are you packing this plane yourself?
15:26Will you leave my bags unattended for any length of time?
15:30It's also, I have problems with the safety,
15:32the whole safety briefing thing.
15:34And the fact that you can survive a crash in an aeroplane
15:37just by leaning forward a bit.
15:41It's all right, mate, it's all right, mate.
15:44Or attracting attention in the middle of Atlantic with a whistle.
15:49Oh, thank God they're here.
15:5260% of earth passengers have had problems with that kid in front of them.
15:55Now, here's my tip.
15:56If there's a kid in front of you, sooner or later it'll want to peep.
15:59It'll stand in the seat and peep at you like that.
16:01Here's my tip, if you're flying anywhere, don't peep back.
16:04Because it will just go on for the whole flight.
16:06Now I know as to do bye, like that.
16:09Just get old a bit eventually,
16:10but it's always going to be me, all right?
16:12It's always going to be me here.
16:16I would think the seats would be a problem.
16:18Like, especially in America.
16:21Like, say for instance, you've got a fat ass.
16:25In America, a lot of people have got a fat ass,
16:27and I would think that the seats would consistently be a problem over there.
16:30But I've seen a few people over here, and they seem like,
16:34well, I've seen a lot of fat people, but they ain't got no fat ass.
16:39I don't know how they do that.
16:43Rich, that's exactly the right answer.
16:45It is 60% of air passengers have had problems
16:47with their seat.
16:49The main problem being, it's next to a man whose shoe is ticking.
16:55Two thirds of judges are in favour of what?
16:58I think they'd be in favour of,
17:00I think it's a really good idea, if all the jury all wore fancy dress.
17:04Like the village people, one's a pirate,
17:06one's a cowboy, one's a spaceman, and they go...
17:08What made you think a pirate?
17:11LAUGHTER
17:15A friend of mine was a lawyer, and he said he was in a courtroom
17:18where the judge sentenced this guy,
17:20and there's a certain sort of cachet in how you receive your sentence.
17:24And this bloke, he sentenced this guy to two and a half years,
17:26and he went, two and a half years, I'll do that spinning on my cock.
17:33So he gave him another six months.
17:36Weeks.
17:37Correct.
17:38That is the right answer. Two thirds of judges are in favour of weeks.
17:44So at the end of that round, I can tell you that Sean, Jade and Reginald have five points,
17:47and Dave, Patrick and Ed have three points.
17:53And the winner is, is the name of our final round.
17:55I'm going to give the teams a series of opinion polls and surveys.
17:58It's up to them to buzz in and tell me who or what they think came top.
18:01Here is your first one.
18:02Thing that most annoys men.
18:04I'll tell you what annoys me, and it's a thing I've noticed more and more,
18:07especially in themed pubs, is when you go to the toilets in a themed pub,
18:10and it doesn't say ladies and gents anymore,
18:12they put something like, they'll have pictures of two deer,
18:14and it'll be like bucks and hinds.
18:16And you go, I think I'm with...
18:19The worst one is for swans, and it's a cob and a pen.
18:22These are two swans, and you go, cob and pen, which one, which one?
18:26Oh, I hate that.
18:27And I notice they don't do it with the disabled toilets.
18:29They don't have like a deer with an antler down like that.
18:35I don't know if my manhood got nothing to do with this annoyment.
18:39I was watching news one morning, and it's supposed to be like the news,
18:43the man reading the news, this is his news.
18:45And then he took newspapers from other, you know, from other sources,
18:49and he read the headlines as if this was his news.
18:53And he do this every day.
18:57And don't nobody say nothing.
18:59Now, when I did this in school, they said this was cheating.
19:04That's like me having my own cooking show on TV and saying,
19:08welcome to Big Daddy's Kitchen.
19:10I don't really feel like cooking nothing today,
19:12but look at all this wonderful stuff that Ainsley Harriott brought back.
19:16Is it their girlfriends talking to them through the cat?
19:19What's he doing? Oh, he's watching his program.
19:22He's watching that silly program, isn't he?
19:25We don't like that program, because it's fiction,
19:27which is silly for nerds, but...
19:29You know when you think you've got a day off because your partner or your wife,
19:32and you say, I'm going to the shops, I've my hair done,
19:34I'm going out with the girls for dinner, and then you're thinking, yes, yes.
19:37Get up, big breakfast, go down, get the racing post,
19:40pick up your horses, bookies, have a few pints at dinner, brilliant.
19:43Get downstairs, fucking list.
19:46Things to do, I've left you a list. You've left me what?
19:49Well done, girls, this is just remarkable.
19:51Number one, feed dogs. That's all right.
19:54Two minutes, no problem.
19:56Number two, wash last night's pots.
19:58All right. Number three, water plants.
20:01Have we got plants?
20:04Number four, point gable end.
20:06Oh, for fuck's sake!
20:08I have no idea what pointing a gable end is.
20:11Do you know those rough men that occasionally come round your house?
20:14They do that.
20:16Giving directions when in the car, reading a map.
20:19Are you good at reading the map, Jade?
20:21I don't know where to go when the line finishes.
20:24At this point, I'd just like to say,
20:26I wish this was a foreign film and that was in subtitles.
20:32It's an art house cinema.
20:35It's an interesting film.
20:37I'm going to give you a clue to this.
20:39It's related to something you do in your lounge.
20:41It's the loss of the remote control.
20:43Moving, can't find it, where is it?
20:45That is the right answer.
20:47APPLAUSE
20:49The thing that most annoys men is someone hiding the TV remote.
20:52My girlfriend hides the remote on top of the TV,
20:55which rather defeats the purpose of having a remote.
20:59Most dangerous driving habit.
21:01Is it when you send a type of cushion to your face, like that?
21:05You can't see a bloody thing.
21:07Is it a can of peas running under your brake pedal?
21:10You can't use it, can you?
21:13It's hardly a driving habit, though, is it?
21:16There's cans of peas.
21:18Is it filling each other up with you with somebody else in the car
21:21while you're driving?
21:23Like, you're driving and then, you know, she rub on you
21:26and you start rubbing on her.
21:28Then she says you failed your test.
21:30LAUGHTER
21:32APPLAUSE
21:36It's to do with distance.
21:38Parking. Oh, up people's bums.
21:40Correct.
21:42APPLAUSE
21:44The answer is the most dangerous driving habit is tailgating.
21:46Biggest problem facing dogs.
21:48My brother really loves his dog, I think, a bit too much.
21:51And you know... No, no, not in that way.
21:54You know dogs are supposed to have seven years to our one.
21:57He gives his dog seven birthdays a year.
22:00He gives seven birthdays for him.
22:02But he gives it the bumps as well.
22:04The dog doesn't like that particularly.
22:06His last birthday was about 72.
22:08I think the biggest problem for the dog
22:10is being told that he's a member of the family,
22:12yet he still have to shit outside.
22:16I think that's very confusing for a dog.
22:19And it makes the dog not believe anything you tell him.
22:22Like, well, I'm part of the family,
22:24but I don't see nobody else shitting outside.
22:27Is he getting those buckets off?
22:29I love those.
22:31I think they're made to make it easier to catch dog biscuits.
22:36It is a health-related problem for dogs.
22:38Worms.
22:40Obesity. Obesity is the right answer, Paddy.
22:42Oh!
22:46Well, that sound tells me it's the end of the round and the end of the show,
22:49which means the final scores are...
22:51Sean, Jade and Reginald have seven points.
22:53Dave, Patrick and Ed have six points.
22:55It means Sean's team are the winners tonight.
22:58Thanks to all our panellists, our wonderful studio audience
23:00and to all of you for watching at home.
23:02That's it from us. Join us next time
23:04when our guests will be Kelly Osbourne,
23:06Neil Morrissey, Richard Madeley and Vic Reeves.
23:08See you then.
23:14Next on 4, putting the IT back into sitcom,
23:17it's the IT crowd.
23:19And then at ten o'clock, his name's Earl
23:21and he's making amends for ruining a golfer's life with beer.