8 Out of 10 Cats. S02 E03.

deaddogsmoking
deaddogsmoking
  • 2 months ago
First broadcast 24th February 2006.

Jimmy Carr

Sean Lock
Dave Spikey
John Pohlhammer

Vic Reeves
Richard Madeley
Kelly Osbourne
Neil Morrissey
Transcript
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00:20Tonight on 8 Out Of 10 Cats,
00:23the Lord of the Chat, it's Richard Madeley.
00:26He Can Fix It, it's Neil Morrissey.
00:30And their captain, Dave Spikey.
00:34And facing them tonight, Party Girl, Kelly Osbourne.
00:38Country Jen, it's Vic Reed.
00:41And their captain, Sean Locke.
00:46Now, here's your host, Jimmy Carr.
00:55Hello, and welcome to 8 Out Of 10 Cats,
00:57a show about opinion polls, surveys and statistics.
00:59Did you know, for example, the average person is capable
01:02of making more than 1,000 facial expressions?
01:05And this is the one I made when I heard that statistic.
01:10KFC is the most popular fast food restaurant in China.
01:12You would have thought it would have been a Chinese.
01:1655% of men wash their hands after going to the loo.
01:20What I do, and here's a tip for you, is I wash my winky in the morning
01:23and then I'm good for the rest of the day.
01:26Right, let's get started.
01:35What are you talking about? That's the name of our first round.
01:38We've teamed up with a leading polling organisation
01:40and they've asked the British nation what stories they've been discussing this week.
01:43It's our panellists' job to guess the British public's top five most popular talking points.
01:47Sean?
01:48Well, I think definitely you'd be talking about bird flu,
01:50the approach of bird flu that's coming to us.
01:53People are very worried about it, aren't they?
01:55My mum panics when she reads all this stuff and she phoned up last week
01:57and she thought her budgie had got it, sooty.
01:59It's got a budgie.
02:00And apparently it was just in the corner of the cage shivering
02:03and won't go up its ladder.
02:04And he loves going up his ladder, sooty.
02:06What happened was, it turned out the grandkids had been getting him out of the cage
02:09and holding him over a globe of the world and spinning it down
02:12and it just freaked him out.
02:13I'm too old! I'm too old!
02:17Bird flu. Bird flu.
02:19Horse run.
02:24The government says don't panic.
02:26It says don't panic.
02:27If it gets into a stress situation, just move them all inside.
02:31Well, that's where we are.
02:34I don't think the chickens are too bothered, really,
02:36because compared to what the farmers got in store for them,
02:38flu's a bit of a holiday, really, isn't it?
02:41If I was a chicken, I'd be snogging other chickens trying to catch them.
02:45They've been talking about 20 million people might die if the bird flu kicks off.
02:48We're all right. We're blokes, aren't we?
02:54Someone had to say it, Vic, and I'm glad it was you.
02:56See what I've done, Vic?
02:57Yeah, it's just the birds that are going to get it, isn't it?
03:01If only, Vic.
03:03And then me and you could just run off together into the sunset.
03:07Like we did last week.
03:10Well, let's have a look and see whether avian bird flu
03:12is one of the top five most talked about things this week.
03:15Yes, it is.
03:18Yes, the second most talked about thing this week was bird flu.
03:21The deadly H5N1 virus is close to Britain.
03:25Coincidentally, H5N1 is Bernard Matthews' postcode.
03:31Richard, Neil, Dave, what else have the nation been talking about this week?
03:34Wembley's not finished. Fuck off, really.
03:37Big shock.
03:38No surprise.
03:39I was looking at some sort of report on it,
03:41it said that it's going to have 2,000 toilets.
03:43Wembley's going to have 2,000.
03:44And there you are, there's your delay.
03:45Waiting for the plumber, aren't they?
03:48I thought, actually, that one of the problems
03:50is a language problem, isn't it, with the Australian builders?
03:52Because they usually have the rising inflection.
03:54When they finish a sentence, they rise up as if it's a question.
03:57So I think when they say, like,
03:58tomorrow you'll start work at eight,
04:01all the birds go,
04:02mate, probably means about half ten.
04:05I just like the part that they were bollocking them for doing coke.
04:08I wouldn't make them do it, just make it do it all faster.
04:13That's the answer, Kelly.
04:14People haven't been brave enough to say it,
04:15but drugs are what these builders need.
04:19Think of what you could build with 750 million.
04:22You could have a ladder to the moon for one.
04:26For one pound?
04:27Well, that's better than having a big stadium, isn't it?
04:29A ladder to the moon.
04:31Yes, but if you could deliver, Vic, I'd invest.
04:34I've got 750 million to play with.
04:36I could have a pipe that goes down to the bottom of the Mariana Trench
04:40that you could slide down and get fired out the other side.
04:46You're right, Vic, we haven't thought this through.
04:50A ladder to the moon.
04:53Hello?
04:54Said like that, it sounds a lot more impressive.
04:56A ladder to the moon.
04:59Mr. Burns.
05:00Yes, Mr. Bonds.
05:02I could build the biggest water slide in the world.
05:08The problem you've got with a ladder to the moon, though,
05:10is where do you build it?
05:12You've got to have a lot enough...
05:13You mean a base camp?
05:14Yeah.
05:15Anglesey.
05:18Hang on, who'd hold it?
05:19Oh, no, it's got a metal base.
05:21It's set into concrete, Richard.
05:22Sorry.
05:25Right, let's have a look and see whether Wembley
05:27is one of the most talked about things this week.
05:30Of course it is.
05:31Yes, it was.
05:3235% of you were talking about the fact that Wembley Stadium
05:35will not be ready for this year's FA Cup final.
05:37The delays have thrown the fixtures list into chaos.
05:40Chelsea will now be playing Bon Jovi in the charity Shield.
05:45Sean, Kelly and Vic, what else has the nation been talking about?
05:47The robbery. I think it's wicked.
05:49Some guy got away with £40 million worth of unmarked notes.
05:53Good for him.
05:57I blame the parents.
06:00So you were right behind those guys in nicking mum's jewels?
06:03They can die a painful death.
06:05My mum's really pissed off about that.
06:07I think it got what was coming to him.
06:09My dad did fucking chuck him out a window.
06:11Did he mean to, or did he just...
06:12Whoa!
06:15He's on satellite navigation, though, isn't he?
06:17I know!
06:18That's fantastic.
06:19Your dad's doing satellite navigation?
06:21No, he's not. It's somebody saying that it's him.
06:23It was like they had this whole thing in the newspaper
06:25how that's the new thing to download is the voice of your sat-nav.
06:28And it's the number one selling is my dad's voice
06:30and the second one is my mum's voice.
06:32If I could get in my car and turn on sat-nav
06:34and listen to my parents any more,
06:36I would definitely not take it back to my head.
06:38Apparently now you can buy tractors with sat-nav.
06:41How pointless is that?
06:42He goes, you are now in lower field.
06:45You are approaching upper field.
06:47Why would you want sat-nav in a tractor?
06:49What if you've got a really big farm?
06:51Yeah, that's a good point.
06:53And you don't know where your fields are.
06:56When does a robbery become a heist?
06:58We don't have any heists, do we?
07:00Technically, the difference between a robbery and a heist
07:03is someone has to be lowered upside down on a wire.
07:05All right.
07:08The police chief actually said the mistake they've made
07:10is they've stolen too much.
07:12What?
07:14And in the article it said if they got all the money
07:16that they'd taken and they stacked it all on top of one another,
07:19it'd be about 400 foot high.
07:21So if the thieves are watching, better not do that.
07:26I think that...
07:28Sorry, I'm enjoying a boiled sweet. I shouldn't...
07:32I think we should melt it down.
07:35LAUGHTER
07:38That's a fine idea, there.
07:40It's good, isn't it?
07:41And you have the look of a master criminal about you.
07:44There have been a couple of arrests.
07:46You see that guy riding down the street on an elephant,
07:48going, whoo-hoo!
07:50With gold shoes on.
07:54Everybody!
07:56There was two of them disguised as policemen
07:58and the rest had the obligatory ski masks, baseball bats.
08:02Where did they buy them from?
08:04Went to JJB's and got ski masks, half a dozen,
08:06and, er...
08:08Tell you what, baseball bats as well.
08:11The only problem is it's a bit nippy.
08:15The thing I find interesting about this robbery
08:17is that initially they say it's 40 million,
08:19they say it could be 50 million.
08:20And these are people who are supposed to look after money
08:23and they don't know how much is in there.
08:26That's why they should have taken it, if they're not looking after it.
08:28It wasn't the fact that they weren't looking after it,
08:30that they actually have to break in, threaten to kill people to get it.
08:32It wasn't like they were just sitting on a riverbank going...
08:37Neil, how would you get rid of 40 million quid?
08:40Oh, so easy, buy a little country.
08:44You could buy one of those islands off Dubai.
08:46Absolutely, stick some electricity on there,
08:48grow a big, fat, whole plantation of marijuana plants
08:51and never leave.
08:56Oh, yeah, yeah, you may applaud,
08:58but what kind of example is that?
08:59It's a little Kelly Osbourne.
09:03Well, let's have a look and see whether the heist
09:04is one of the most talked about things this week.
09:07Yes, it is.
09:10Yes, the 40 million pound heist
09:12was the most talked about thing this week.
09:14The authorities are looking for people
09:15who'll give themselves away by driving flash cars
09:17and wearing lots of jewellery.
09:19Police have arrested Essex.
09:24Of course, they have no idea who did it.
09:26In other news, nine dustmen have just bought Charlton Athletic.
09:31What else have people been talking about this week?
09:34Well, there was a story, wasn't there,
09:37about the gay footballers having...
09:40organising orgies amongst themselves.
09:42Gay orgies?
09:43That's something you wouldn't know anything about.
09:48We're just friends.
09:49That's how rumours go.
09:50That's a very big assumption, Neil.
09:52So what are you trying to say?
09:53Are you gay, Richard?
09:55Come on, let it out now while you're on television.
09:57Don't get out loud, Richard.
09:58No, no.
10:00Well, I didn't like the stuff about the vibrating telephones.
10:03Ah, well, you see, obviously very useful as a sexual toy.
10:06Depends what ringtone it's got, really.
10:08If it's got, do you know the west of Amarillo,
10:10well, it's not up here, mate.
10:11You know what I mean?
10:14Gives a whole new meaning to the word ringtone, doesn't it?
10:19Footballers run around on a field with a bunch of other men.
10:22Some of them have got to be gay.
10:24It must be harsh news, though, when the manager comes in
10:26and goes, statistically, some of you have to be gay.
10:28It's true.
10:29It's you two.
10:31I'm afraid you'll be spending all your time in the dugout.
10:35Apparently one of them, they went back to their house
10:37and one of them went off into his bedroom,
10:38came out with 5,000 in cash and said,
10:40I'll give it to anybody who'll perform a sex act.
10:43Now, the thing that struck me about that was,
10:44five grand in cash, that money should be in an ISA.
10:49Well, let's have a look and see
10:50whether it was the most talked about thing this week.
10:53Yes, it was.
10:56OK, what else have people been talking about?
10:58The Prince's, Charles' diaries.
11:00Go on, tell me more.
11:02The Royal Family aren't to have any opinion on political,
11:05on politics, anything, and he just,
11:07I think he would write his beliefs on China
11:10and something was going on in China, I don't know,
11:12and send it off to people and they got printed.
11:14Yeah.
11:15It's like Newsnight.
11:17You're right, the Royal Family aren't meant to have
11:19any political opinions. Do you know what that is?
11:21Because it causes problems.
11:22No, it's because they're inbred and they're stupid.
11:27I think Prince Charles' diary would be like,
11:29Wednesday, got up, ate a swan, it was good.
11:34He's a real drama queen, isn't he?
11:36He's saying, no, nobody will appreciate me till I'm dead.
11:38I mean, he's turning to Morrissey, isn't he?
11:40Nobody loves me, you know.
11:43He's a ridiculous prick.
11:48Let's have a look and see whether Prince Charles' diaries
11:50is one of the most talked about things this week.
11:52Yes, it is.
11:55Yes, this is the story of Prince Charles' diaries
11:57being leaked to the press.
11:59He describes himself as a political dissident.
12:01Funny, I can't remember Che Guevara having a butler.
12:06At the end of that round, I can tell you that
12:07Sean, Kelly and Vic have three points,
12:09Dave, Richard and Neil have two points.
12:12Join me after the break and we will be finding out
12:14if Britain's pets have a drinking problem.
12:21APPLAUSE
12:25Welcome back.
12:26The next round is called The Poll With A Hole.
12:28We've looked through hundreds of surveys, past and present,
12:30from around the world and unearthed some fascinating facts.
12:33Unfortunately, each statistic is missing
12:35one salient piece of information,
12:37so it's up to our panellists to fill in the gaps.
12:39Seven out of ten adults are unaware
12:41that there is an £80 on the spot fine for what?
12:44Is there an £80 on the spot fine for letting your kids
12:46scream and run around?
12:47It is to do with kids.
12:48Is it to do with kids?
12:49Is it threatening to shut them in the car?
12:51Because, like, our son Jack, he was about six
12:53and he was really infuriating everybody, right?
12:55I used to say to him,
12:56if you don't behave yourself, you're going to the car.
12:58And on this occasion, it's Sunday lunch in the pub
13:00and he wouldn't shut the fuck up.
13:03He's a proud dad.
13:06OK, he's 19 now, I still do it.
13:09Put him over my shoulder and started to walk out through...
13:11And everyone was really glad, right?
13:12People like you.
13:13A nice one.
13:14Thanks, Dad, you're doing it.
13:15Come on, we're going to the car.
13:16They weren't really.
13:17Just going out the front, a little word, and then come back.
13:19Going out through all these people in the tables,
13:21and he's a little sod.
13:22He suddenly got the idea of going above my head to the public
13:25and he said,
13:26Not the car!
13:28Not the car!
13:29I said, no, you're coming to the car.
13:31And he goes,
13:32Help!
13:34It's buying something you shouldn't.
13:36Alcohol underage.
13:37Correct.
13:38Alcohol underage.
13:39There you go.
13:41Yes, seven out of ten adults are unaware
13:43It's an £80 on-the-spot fine for buying alcohol for minors,
13:46but it's worth it just to see their little drunken faces.
13:50Please slur the funniest things.
13:5371% of Brits agree that what is an acceptable pastime?
14:00Take it away, Vic.
14:02Putting sellotape over your eyes.
14:08It is good fun.
14:11Streaking at a mosque.
14:14What about sex?
14:15Sex?
14:16Yeah.
14:17Do you only find sex acceptable?
14:18That's what I tend to say after sex.
14:20I tend to say, that was acceptable.
14:23Is it acting?
14:24Acting isn't acceptable.
14:25It's not a proper job, is it?
14:27Bollocks.
14:28No, it's just you've got to read out loud without giggling.
14:32I was sat next to an actress at a dinner,
14:34and she was talking about,
14:35God, it's so hard.
14:37You sit in this trailer all day long.
14:40I'm like, yeah, right.
14:41You get paid like £9 million per movie.
14:43Shut up.
14:44Who was the actress?
14:45Not telling.
14:46Come on.
14:47Come on, name that bitch.
14:50Patricia Routledge.
14:51No.
14:54Patricia Routledge getting £9 million a movie.
14:59Come on, who is it?
15:00I think she's cracking.
15:01I'll tell you what.
15:02We'll put you in the car.
15:05It won't be the first time me and Richard Madeley
15:06have bundled a young lady to London.
15:12Can you give us a clue?
15:14It involves holding something in your hand.
15:17Angling?
15:18It's got to be fishing.
15:19Exactly the right answer, Neil Morrison.
15:24That means that quite a large percentage of British people
15:27think that angling is completely unacceptable.
15:33Angling is totally unacceptable.
15:37Here's your next one.
15:3810% of dinner ladies see what as essential?
15:41Is it food?
15:46What about topless Friday?
15:49More fried food today.
15:53I'll give you a clue.
15:54It's to do with a kitchen implement.
15:55Axe.
15:56An axe.
15:59What about like a serving spoon?
16:01That would be higher than 10% I feel.
16:03Yes, yes.
16:04No, no, they're just doing it with their hands.
16:08I have to tell you, I can't believe you haven't guessed.
16:1010% of dinner ladies think salad spinners are essential.
16:14So at the end of that round, I can tell you,
16:15it's three points to Sean's team and five points to Dave's team.
16:21The next round is believe it or not.
16:22In this round, I'll give you a simple statement
16:24and all you have to do is tell me whether you think it's true or false.
16:27Dave, Richard and Neil, let's see your clip.
16:39Ah!
16:43Ah!
16:50That was a clip from the 1984 horror movie Attack of the Beast Creatures.
16:54Here is your related statistic.
16:55If attacked by a bear whilst camping,
16:5831% of American men would abandon their partner in favour of their own safety.
17:04Is that true or false?
17:05What you shouldn't do if a bear comes at you, you should not run.
17:08You shouldn't run away because they take that as panic.
17:10I mean, I think you should run away if there's two of you.
17:12If she's there, you should say,
17:13Let's run for it, because just keep a bit in front of her then.
17:19I'll run that way, you run for the cubs.
17:24She'll not attack you with her kids.
17:26I mean, I know, I've actually dealt with, I know how to deal with bears.
17:29I know that I wouldn't run away.
17:30It's very easy to do it.
17:31A lot of people get frightened.
17:32There's no need to be frightened.
17:33The thing about bears is, is you just let them come at you.
17:36Just keep, as fast as they want, stand still.
17:38And when they're about six inches away, you just do this,
17:40you just go, whoa, like that.
17:42Because they've got those big round feet, they've got no mobility.
17:45They just go, whoa, whoa, whoa.
17:47Richard, I've got a question for you.
17:49Okay, you're camping with Judy.
17:50Yeah.
17:51Do you abandon Judy if attacked by a bear?
17:52I would lay down my life for my wife.
17:56Presumably, when you get home, you go, I don't watch this, Judy.
18:01If attacked by a bear whilst camping,
18:0231% of American men would abandon their partner
18:04in favour of their own safety.
18:06Is that true, or is it false?
18:07We now think it's false.
18:08You are right, it is false.
18:137% of US men would abandon a loved one if attacked by a bear.
18:16Never mind a bear, I nearly left my girlfriend
18:18when that whale came up the Thames.
18:20Sean, Kelly and Vic, here's a clip to illustrate your fact.
18:23These chimps sleep 12 hours daily,
18:25love bread and butter, tea, coffee, hot chocolate
18:27and the occasional bottle of beer.
18:29Renner says that training them to skate needs endless patience
18:32and an inexhaustible supply of bananas.
18:35Looking for Connie Langford with our celebrity...
18:40Have you seen her, Connie Langford, in that show?
18:41I've never seen anyone who's so pleased to be on television.
18:44It looks like she's going to explode if she gets any happy.
18:47What's her name?
18:49The British actress.
18:50What does this mean?
18:51I think she's in a relationship with another man.
18:53Oh, the British acoustic guitarist.
18:55What, the British acoustic guitarist.
18:57Well, I don't know.
18:59I think we will see her very soon.
19:00I've never seen her before, I don't know her name.
19:02if she gets any happier.
19:05Here's a related statistic for you.
19:0725% of vets have treated a drunk pet.
19:10Is that true or false?
19:11But that could be just the same pet
19:13that's gone round a quarter of the vets in Britain
19:15as one real boozy dog.
19:17It's a shame that dogs start repeating themselves, isn't it?
19:19Saying the same story over and over again.
19:26Yes, I know, I've heard it.
19:29An animal will head towards alcohol if it sees it.
19:33You know, if a pelican sees some vodka,
19:38it's going to be in there.
19:40You've got a lot of pets, what have you got, Nick?
19:43Pelican.
19:46He, Signor, no have pelican.
19:48No, no have pelican.
19:50I feel like I've arrived down in Mexico way
19:52and the locals they know so friendly.
19:54Yeah.
19:55Hey English, you want pelican?
19:58Follow me, but tell no one.
20:02So 25% of vets have treated a drunk pet.
20:05Richard, what do you think?
20:06A vet only has to treat a pissed pet once
20:08and he's in that statistic, isn't he?
20:10He's got a point.
20:11A whole career and he's never treated a drunk pet.
20:13I don't think so.
20:15I agree, Richard.
20:16I think it's true.
20:17I think it's true.
20:18True, we'll go true.
20:19Well, I can tell you, you are absolutely right.
20:2125% of vets have treated a drunken pet.
20:26So at the end of that round I can tell you
20:27it's four points for Sean's team
20:28and six points for Dave's team.
20:33And the winner is, is the name of our final round.
20:35I'm going to give the teams a series of opinion polls
20:37and it's up to them to buzz in and tell me
20:39who or what they think came top.
20:41Here is your first one.
20:42Top priority for single men buying a house.
20:45Is it a kitchen sink that flushes?
20:49Is it one of those jewel-encrusted steel telephone helmet?
20:53And a massage glove.
20:57I'm thinking we've got points in the bag.
21:01I used to live in a flat.
21:02It was very, sort of, thin walls.
21:04And there was a very, very attractive trio of girls
21:06who lived in the flat next door.
21:07I swear, before I moved in, there was a hole in the wall
21:11between my bedroom and...
21:12It was there.
21:13I thought of complaining to the landlord
21:14but I thought, no, let them look.
21:18When I was a single man, every time I moved,
21:20what I used to do, if I've got a phone-connected electrician,
21:22I'd go to the nearest off-licence,
21:23I'd go up to the counter and say,
21:24Hi, I'm Sean, and over the next few years,
21:26you'll be seeing quite a lot of me.
21:28Never sell me whisky.
21:35Opposite a pub. Next to a pub.
21:37Correct, Dave.
21:41Dream holiday companions.
21:43There was a thing in the paper the other week
21:45that somebody checked in and the luggage was ten kilos over
21:49and the guy went, well, let's see if we can take anything out
21:51and the undid it.
21:52Telly.
21:55Why are you taking a television?
21:56Benidorm.
21:57Coronation Street.
22:00I invented a holiday extension.
22:04It's about 100 miles long.
22:06So you just plug it in and you can use your own electricity supply.
22:14An electricity supply that you feel comfortable with.
22:17Stephen Hawking's, I take.
22:19Because you'd get on the plane first, then, wouldn't you?
22:23Is it Judith Chalmers?
22:25Because she'd be really good company on the plane
22:27and in the event of a crash in the Andes, she'd be quite tasty.
22:29Do you think?
22:30I think she'd be nice steamed.
22:33If Judith is watching this,
22:35you're not under any sort of immediate threat.
22:37We're just discussing how we'd like to eat you.
22:42We're going to eat you, Judith.
22:47Is it an English person or an American person?
22:49It is an English couple.
22:51Richard and Judy.
22:54Is it her mum and dad?
22:55Yes, it is.
22:56Your mum and dad.
23:00Our nation's three holiday companions are Sharon and Ozzy Osbourne.
23:04Right, that sound tells me that it's the end of the round and the end of the show,
23:07which means the final scores are Sean, Kelly and Vic have four points,
23:10but our winners are Dave, Richard and Neil with nine points.
23:14Thank you to all our panellists, our wonderful studio audience
23:16and to all of you for watching at home.
23:18That's it from us. See you next week. Cheers.