8 Out of 10 Cats. S04 E01.

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First broadcast 20th October 2006.

Jimmy Carr

Sean Lock
Dave Spikey
John Pohlhammer

Lee Mack
Rich Hall
Nikki Grahame
Boy George

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TV
Transcript
00:00Tonight on 8 Out of 10 Cats, from the U.S. of A, Rich Hall, People's Princess, Nikki
00:28Graham, and their captain, Sean Locke. And facing them tonight, the Boy Wonder, it's
00:35Boy George, the Mack is Back, Lee Matt, and their captain, Dave Spikey. Now, welcome your
00:46host, Jimmy Carr.
00:49Hello, and welcome to 8 Out of 10 Cats, a show about opinion polls, surveys, and statistics.
00:57Did you know, for example, scientists say the elephant is the only mammal that can't jump.
01:02What? Stephen Hawking isn't a mammal.
01:07Only a quarter of Brits consider themselves to be lucky, and they're the lucky ones.
01:13A cockroach can live for a whole week without a head. Beat that, Heather Mills.
01:23Let's get started.
01:31What are you talking about? That's the name of our first round. We've teamed up with a leading
01:35polling organisation, and they've asked the British nation what stories they've been discussing
01:38this week. It's our panellists' job to guess the British public's top five most popular
01:41talking points. Sean, Nikki, Rich, what have the nation been talking about this week?
01:45Jimmy, turtles can't jump. I just wanted to go back to a point you made earlier. Turtles
01:53don't jump.
01:54They do if you throw them on a trampoline. I think people have probably been talking
01:58about Madonna adopting a baby in Africa. She's adopted a baby. It's caused a lot of fuss.
02:04Well, he has kind of won the orphanage lottery, hasn't he? They had a regular lottery in the
02:10orphanage to get scratch cards. They went, oh, you're going to be saved by Madonna.
02:17He should have been disqualified early because he wasn't an orphan. It was like an African
02:21orphan idol. She knows it's the last 12. She went over for the final, which was this last
02:25week. It was for some sort of contest, like a bonny baby contest. Went to the local Woolworths
02:29in Malawi, had the pictures taken. He should have been disqualified because he's not an
02:33orphan. The kid's not an orphan.
02:34It does seem weird that he's got a dad.
02:36He said in the press that the saddest thing about it is the fact that he's going to be
02:39in the papers every day, so that Madonna and Guy won't get the luxury that other adopted
02:43parents have, which is to tell him exactly what happened in their own time. But I can't
02:47help thinking from a very early age he's going to realise, isn't he? He's going to get to
02:51like 10 or 11 and go, listen, something's not right here. Mum, Dad, two questions. One,
02:57are you my real parents? And two, how come there's no mirrors in this house?
03:02I thought it was funny how she bought him a £5,000 rocking horse. I'd really like to
03:06see that comic relief appeal with it. Just £5,000 and get a rocking horse for a child
03:10in Africa. The other thing she did was she decorated his room in a jungle style. It's
03:17true, that's a questionable taste, I think.
03:20Why did she just adopt like 60,000 orphan kids and then just total sellout wherever
03:25she goes?
03:27That is thinking, Rich.
03:30They don't know that American Pie is a fucking cover.
03:34You're still angry about American Pie?
03:36I was angry about it the first time I heard it. We heard it trotted out again 20 years
03:40later. All 73 verses. And I'll tell you something else, snakes can't jump.
03:49Madonna can't sing. Madonna can't sing.
03:53What did you think of Madonna? She's a bit high maintenance.
03:59I like her, but to be honest, a whole week's news on her adopting the child. Who cares?
04:08You're a big brother.
04:11No.
04:19So were you looking for more news about what was going on in Kazakhstan this week? I'm
04:23not getting to the bottom of this. Just Madonna, Madonna.
04:26But you've managed to get more attention than Madonna in a very short space of time, so
04:29you're more fabulous.
04:33I thought, you know her performance at Live Aid was when she was swearing. Well, that's
04:36not a very good example to set to your kids, because at Live Aid she went on stage and
04:40said, are you fucking ready? I think that's what she's going to be like on the school
04:44run.
04:46Are you fucking ready, lords?
04:52She's an English lady now. She's an English lady? Yeah. She's fooling no one.
04:57Don't you claim to be Irish? I don't claim, I try and hide it.
05:01How dare you? I'm Irish. I'm about as Irish as you. I'm more Irish than you'll ever be.
05:06What? Well, go on then.
05:14Pogue Mahone.
05:22OK, well let's have a look and see if Madonna's adoption is one of the most talked about things
05:25this week.
05:28Yes, it is.
05:30Yes, Madonna's caused controversy by adopting a baby from Africa. The baby's father described
05:34the adoption as a blessing from God, although the exact translation of the Malawi is the
05:39fucking jackpot Getty.
05:44James, Paul, George, Lee, what else have the nation been talking about this week?
05:47Could it possibly be the allegations that Heather Mills McCartney has made in the divorce
05:50papers saying that Sir Paul was cruel to her. Every night she has to go to bed because of
05:54the toilet. And she has to crawl because he won't allow her a bedpan. He said he didn't
05:58want a bedpan in the bedroom because it looked like an old people's home. It is an old people's
06:03home. It's 64. Don't explain it to us, Sean, if she doesn't get it. Heather's only got
06:10one leg. I don't know why I'm shouting it.
06:15So, Nicola, you know who Heather Mills is, yeah? I don't know. I know she's married to
06:18Paul McCartney. I wasn't aware she only had one leg. Where have you been? She's been in
06:22her house.
06:25We should do something to get the public sympathy back in her favour. Maybe a parrot.
06:30I think people would warm to her if she had a parrot.
06:35Proper job. Go to Vegas. Work at Treasure Island.
06:39Let's have a look and see whether Heather Mills allegations are one of the most talked
06:42about things this week.
06:46Yes, newspapers have reported Heather Mills allegations that Paul McCartney hit her. Heather
06:50is going through a very rough time at the moment and if she were here I would tell her
06:54time heals all wounds.
06:57Well, not that. You'd have to be a starfish.
07:02In other divorce news this week, Stephen Hawking is leaving his wife. Hawking's marriage lasted
07:0711 years before the wheels came off.
07:11Sorry, Jimmy, can I stop you a second? Nicky, he's in a wheelchair.
07:16Sorry, Jimmy. Do you know who Stephen Hawking is?
07:18Do you know who Stephen Hawking is?
07:22He's sort of the cleverest man in the world, but he's kind of confined to a wheelchair.
07:28Most people that come on the show have a really good time. It's a fun thing. It's great, but
07:31you're learning so much.
07:35Right, sure, Nicky Ingram. What else have people been talking about this week?
07:37Oh, post offices closing down.
07:42Small post offices.
07:43Do you know what a post office is?
07:45My mum's a postie, I'll have you know.
07:49One of those little yellow square pieces of paper.
07:59The postmasters deliver a petition with four million names on it to 10 Downing Street.
08:03I like the fact that they hand-delivered it because they don't trust the postal service.
08:08What I think they should do is what they do with libraries. Why don't they have mobile
08:11post offices? And they can be like ice cream vans. They drive around and they play some
08:16music to attract old people.
08:19We'll meet again, like...
08:31Like an ice cream van?
08:32Yes, exactly. Just about a minute behind.
08:37I just really hope that when these postal workers, when they went to Downing Street
08:40there was a thousand of them, I really hope there was just one person serving at Downing Street
08:44and they had to make a big long queue.
08:46And it said, like, protester number three, please!
08:52Let's have a look and see whether post offices are up there.
09:00Dave Seam, what else have the nation been talking about?
09:01I love this great story that apparently David Blunkett once told a police governor to machine-gun
09:06the prisoners. I think that's great.
09:09He thinks our warders have machine-guns.
09:12He's blind.
09:13Better tell Nicky.
09:14Blow the gap.
09:16Nicky, he's blind and he's got a dog.
09:18Oh, you're winding me up.
09:23This is unbelievable.
09:25Everyone we talk about tonight is afflicted, in fact.
09:29Well, as it happens, yeah.
09:30It's different people though, it's not the one person.
09:34Tell me more. Tell me more about Blunkett.
09:36I don't know, there was this riot and he phoned the governor and they said they've got their home secretary on the phone for him
09:40and he's having a riot and he went, oh, machine-gun him.
09:43And he obviously went, are you pissed?
09:45Not a machine-gun him.
09:46Could have just pretended to do it, because Blunkett wouldn't have known, would he?
09:49He could have gone...
09:52There you go, all dead, all of them.
09:54It's like a holiday camp prison.
09:57No, it ain't.
09:58It is.
09:59When you were in Big Brother and they didn't have bottled water, you went mental.
10:03They don't even have a jacuzzi in many of these places.
10:06I didn't go in the jacuzzi because it was filth-ridden.
10:09Well, fair enough then, maybe you'd be fine in prison.
10:13This is the same week that we find out that prisoners are being paid to play board games.
10:17When I was in prison once and I played Scrabble, I nearly got bummed.
10:22But I only had one M.
10:26Let's have a look and see if Blunkett's up there.
10:32Yes, it's been revealed that David Blunkett ordered prison chiefs to machine-gun rioters in 2002.
10:37Luckily, he was shouting into a stapler.
10:43One more to get fingers on, buzzers.
10:44What else have the nation been talking about this week?
10:47Is it anything to do with this teacher who refused to remove her veil and was suspended?
10:52So why do you need to... Leave her alone!
10:55That's enough, innit?
10:56But the thing was, she doesn't wear it when the kid's in the room.
10:58She only wears it when a male comes into the room.
11:02So she goes, she'll have it off, and then a bloke comes in and she goes...
11:06And then he'll go out and she goes...
11:09She should just go like a Venetian blind.
11:16Problem solved.
11:18It'd be quite handy, them girls, if you were talking to somebody who you didn't like, who you thought were an idiot.
11:21You can put a helmet on, and your eyes will be going like that, and your face will go like...
11:27Is that what Jack Straw's really worried about?
11:29Yeah, everyone that comes to visit him is going...
11:32You're an idiot, Jack Straw.
11:34Nicky, Jack Straw is a headless politician.
11:38Oh, goodness sake.
11:41Babe Straw.
11:42The next one's going to be an exhumed corpse.
11:48She done a funny.
11:52Mind you, you can't walk around Mecca in a tutu, can you?
11:56That sounds like an old Cockney song.
11:57You can't walk around Mecca in a tutu.
12:00You can't wear a skirt to walk around Mecca, but...
12:04You could dress up as a ninja.
12:09Or...
12:10Well, that's a group that we really haven't heard much from in this whole debate.
12:14The ninjas haven't said anything.
12:16Right, let's have a look and see whether veils are up there.
12:22Yes, this week, the Muslim teacher suspended for wearing a veil received a lot of support.
12:25She was delighted.
12:26Or surprised, or touched.
12:27Or surprised, or touched.
12:28It's hard to tell.
12:31At the end of that round, Sean's team have two points.
12:33Dave's team are in the lead with three points.
12:37The next round is called the poll with a hole.
12:39We've looked through hundreds of surveys past and present from around the world
12:41and unearthed some fascinating facts.
12:43Unfortunately, each statistic is missing one salient piece of information,
12:46so it's up to our panellists to fill in the gaps.
12:485% of Brits would like to see David and Victoria Beckham what?
12:53What about penniless?
12:55It's a part of the peacekeeping force in Basra.
12:59Ask forgiveness from Christ.
13:05Or, I know, live a week in a third world country.
13:09Do you know what? I'm tempted to give you that.
13:11That's dangerously close to the correct answer.
13:14It's to do with that.
13:16Well, no one was expecting you to be right.
13:20UN ambassadors.
13:22That's the correct answer.
13:25Now, I guess 5% of Brits would like to see David and Victoria Beckham become UN ambassadors.
13:30Personally, I don't think Victoria should be sent to visit starving people.
13:34They've got enough problems without feeling fat.
13:39OK, 68% of chess players think chess would be more popular if what?
13:43If the game wasn't so bloody damn boring.
13:48Tell you what, I'll bet when they were asked that question,
13:50it took them 45 fucking minutes to figure up an answer.
13:54I've always liked the big chess that you get.
13:56I think if they were really big, they were really massive,
13:59and you had to use a crane to play.
14:02The world champion was a crane driver from Catford called Big Rob.
14:06What if it was a cross-country event?
14:10How do you mean, Rich?
14:11You know, move a piece, run 10 miles.
14:15Move another piece, run another 10 miles.
14:18Checkmate.
14:21Yeah, it's a great idea. I'm with Rich on that.
14:24What if he had some shouts?
14:25You know, when you move, you have some calls.
14:26Like, you know, in football, people shout and scream.
14:28When he moved a piece, he went,
14:29Yee-haw, I'm gonna get you, boy!
14:34I've only had two chess games in my life.
14:36I bet you didn't win, then.
14:38I lost.
14:39Did you lose both of them?
14:40Yes.
14:41Really?
14:42Did you have trouble getting the pieces over the net?
14:44Very hilarious. I almost fell off my chair laughing.
14:50Oh, Nicky Graham, everyone.
14:53Yeah.
14:55Yeah, I wouldn't want to be you right about now, Sean.
14:58That's my career over.
15:01If it was easier.
15:03That's the right answer, Sean.
15:04If it was easier.
15:05Yeah, that's what...
15:06Yes, 68% of chess players think chess would be more popular if it was easier.
15:11I think chess is easy.
15:12There's only two things you have to remember.
15:13Don't use the St. Petersburg gambit against the Brandenburg opening,
15:16and the horsey, go jumpy jump.
15:19So, at the end of that round, it's three points for Sean, Nicky and Rich,
15:22and four points for Dave, Lee and George.
15:25Join me after the break, when we'll be finding out
15:27what you'd be willing to do for 15 minutes of fame.
15:40Welcome back to Eight Out Of Ten Cats.
15:42The next round is Believe It Or Not.
15:44In this round, I'll give the panellists a simple statement,
15:46and all they have to do is decide whether they think it's true or false.
15:49Sean, Nicky and Rich, let's have a look at a clip to illustrate your statistic.
15:54Let's meet act number six, dancer Todd Rickson.
16:16Tell me how you want me.
16:19Feel it in your heart beat.
16:23Boy, you like what you see.
16:27Hold me.
16:30Feel it in your heart beat.
16:33Dance your love away.
16:39Hey, Kevin.
16:40You've done it, haven't you?
16:42Oh, I think he's done a hamstring.
16:44Come on, mate.
16:46The bit after he snaps his hamstring is how I dance normally.
16:50Here is your related statistic.
16:5116% of talent show applicants say they would be prepared to lose a finger for a shot at fame.
16:57Is that true or false?
16:59Is that an actual question that you would ask a talent show applicant?
17:02I think it's halfway through the act.
17:04People just go, I'll just chop your finger off, do something.
17:07I'd do it. What I'd do is I'd chop it off,
17:09and stick it like that, and put the finger up my ear like that.
17:11That's incredible.
17:12Yeah, that's incredible.
17:13Or you could wrap it around your neck and use it to point at things.
17:18It's just round the corner, just over there.
17:19It's funny how the side of the X Factor audition is all going down the back,
17:22bloke with a big bag going, fingers, fingers, fingers, come on, you.
17:27Fingers, come on.
17:28You know, it's illegal to chop your finger off,
17:30because it means you're not fit for military service.
17:32Is that true?
17:33Yeah.
17:35How did you come across that nugget of information?
17:38People tell me things and they stay in.
17:40Do you hear that, Nicky?
17:41Yeah.
17:42I wasn't listening.
17:45Of course you weren't.
17:46Do you think there's an escalating scale of what limbs you have to lose
17:50to gain a certain degree of fame, like Heather McCartney?
17:53She lost a whole leg.
17:54She made a fortune.
17:56What's his name? Lost his eyesight.
17:59Blunkett.
18:01These are all things Nicky learned in part one.
18:04It's exciting, isn't it?
18:0516% of talent show applicants say they would be prepared to lose a finger
18:08for a shot at fame.
18:09True or false?
18:11False.
18:12OK, I can tell you that the answer is in fact true.
18:15Shit.
18:16All right, calm down.
18:17Well done.
18:20Not a lot of people, though, is it?
18:21Well, I mean, it's quite mental, isn't it?
18:2316% would go, yeah, I'll have a finger off just to sing for Simon Cowell.
18:26Of course, once they've done it, they'll have to tend to fuck off like this.
18:31Dave, George and Lee, let's have a look at a clip to illustrate your statistic.
18:34Ring My Bell is a show in which you, the viewer, get to do the talking.
18:37Qualified receptionists are right here to take your call and put you through
18:40to either Arthur Scargill, Boyd Jones, Barbara Windsor or Tony James,
18:46the founder of Zig Zig Sputnik.
18:48Let's go for a quick booth hop just to show you how this extravaganza works.
18:52Half a buttock and one right boob.
18:54Hey, did you show that right boob? I didn't see that one.
18:58Yes, just, you've got to look very quickly.
19:01Oh, can I see it? Was that in the one with the toothpaste?
19:06What? No, that was camping.
19:08Oh, I missed that one.
19:10Anyway, you take care.
19:12Oh, you bet I will do.
19:13Oh, I know. God bless, darling.
19:14Love to see your tits. Bye then.
19:17Love to see your tits. Bye.
19:20Here is your related statistic.
19:2238% of call centre staff claim that their job has helped them find romance.
19:27Is that true or false?
19:28Bullock.
19:30Well, you can't find my details. I give them my customer reference.
19:33I give them my decimals. They've also got my blood group.
19:35They can't find, fuck off.
19:36People who do the cold calling, you know, that ring you,
19:38I think that helps their love life because I always say,
19:40go and get fucked.
19:43Some people do something more sexy on the phone.
19:46Often people phone me up and they say,
19:48can we interest you in double glazing?
19:49I go, no, but you could certainly take me out to dinner.
19:53Have you ever had phone sex?
19:55Fantastic.
19:56I like the fact you know when the call's over.
19:59When your mum walks in the room.
20:02She can't walk in the room. She's on the phone.
20:10You know, in America, all the sex lines start with 900.
20:14And the area code for Western Tennessee is 901.
20:19So you must get a lot of people in Western Tennessee just getting a mistyled call.
20:22What am I wearing?
20:23Overalls.
20:26My daddy's right here.
20:27Earl, it's for you.
20:3138% of call centre staff claim that their job has helped them find romance.
20:34Is that true or false?
20:35I think yes.
20:36We think yes.
20:37It's probably true.
20:39I can tell you that the answer is true.
20:4438% of call centre staff claim that their job has helped them find romance.
20:48Call centres are weird things.
20:50I need to go from Coventry to Ipswich on Saturday.
20:52I better call someone in Bangladesh.
20:54Vale, no.
20:56Yeah!
20:59So at the end of that round, it's three points for Sean's team and five points for Dave's team.
21:04And the winner is, is the name of our final round.
21:06I'm going to be giving the teams a series of opinion polls and surveys.
21:09It's up to them to buzz in and tell me who or what they think came top.
21:11Here is your first one.
21:13Top thing that annoys women.
21:15Is it when you get really drunk and piss in the wardrobe in the middle of the night?
21:19When you wipe your knob on the curtains.
21:22What annoys you?
21:23To be honest, I'm not a good person to ask because everything...
21:29What annoys my wife and women in general is,
21:31they say what pair of shoes out of the 27 pairs they've got,
21:34goes with this skirt.
21:36As if you're a fucking expert on shoes.
21:38Yeah, the problem is Dave, is your wife's shoes all stink of piss.
21:46I do tell you what annoys women.
21:47It's when you put a new toilet roll on a toilet roll holder
21:50and you make the paper come off near the wall.
21:52Instead of, like, away from the wall.
21:54I don't like that. It's really paranoid.
21:56What do you do that for?
21:57He's got rusted knuckles on the wall now.
21:59You were very close, Sean.
22:00You take the last piece and you don't...
22:02Ah, shit, no.
22:03You stick that last piece back on, don't you?
22:05Put that one back on, then it doesn't look as...
22:07I've used the whole loo roller.
22:09That's great. She's got to change it.
22:11That's the correct answer.
22:14Yes, the top thing that annoys women
22:16is finishing the last loo roll.
22:18Here's one for you.
22:19Top reason to celebrate.
22:21You found some booze.
22:24Wahey!
22:26Da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da.
22:29Didn't know I had this.
22:32Rich, what do you celebrate?
22:34Not being Canadian.
22:38Oh, I know!
22:39Jesus Christ, don't do that!
22:43It's quite a laugh out of me.
22:45It's a funeral.
22:48No!
22:51No, I tell you what.
22:52Unbelievable.
22:53You only go to funerals with people you don't like.
22:55I've been to one.
22:57I've never been invited back.
23:01You've never been invited back to a funeral.
23:06Oh, I've been to one funeral, I didn't get invited back.
23:10Same time again next year, then.
23:14Engagement.
23:15That's the correct answer.
23:16All right.
23:19Yes, the top reason to celebrate is an engagement.
23:21Second on the list is discovering that the kid's not yours
23:23and you don't have to marry the slag.
23:28Well, that sound tells me it's the end of the round and the end of the show,
23:30which means the final scores are
23:32Sean, Nicky and Rich have five points,
23:34but the winners are Dave, George and Lee with six points.
23:41Thanks to all our panellists, our wonderful studio audience,
23:43and to all of you for watching at home.
23:44That's it from us. Good night.
23:47Amnesty International's legendary secret policeman's ball
23:50comes to Channel 4 later this month.
23:52To download extra archive clips and brand-new sketch shows,
23:55go to channel4radio.com now.
23:57Coming up, Avid Narayan meets Justin Timberlake.
24:00Bo in the USA is next.