First broadcast 24th June 2005.
Jimmy Carr
Sean Lock
Dave Spikey
John Pohlhammer
Paul Kaye
June Sarpong
Sue Perkins
Peter Serafinowicz
Jimmy Carr
Sean Lock
Dave Spikey
John Pohlhammer
Paul Kaye
June Sarpong
Sue Perkins
Peter Serafinowicz
Category
📺
TVTranscript
00:00-♪♪
00:10-♪♪
00:15-♪♪
00:20-♪♪
00:22Tonight, on 8 Out Of 10 Cats,
00:25the original banker, Paul Gage!
00:28Live from Florida, Sue Burton!
00:31And their captain, Dave Spikey!
00:35And facing them tonight, from T4, it's June Sarpong!
00:40From the dark side, Peter Serafinowicz!
00:44And their captain, John Locke!
00:47People, it's your host, Jimmy Carr!
00:52-♪♪
00:57Well, thanks very much indeed, and welcome to 8 Out Of 10 Cats,
01:00a show about opinion polls, surveys and statistics.
01:03Did you know, for example, 18% of Brits
01:06prefer gardening to spending intimate time with their partner?
01:09I say, give me a pair of gloves and a bottle of Miracle-Gro,
01:12and I'm ready for either.
01:15One in three adults believe in angels, and to those people,
01:18I say, would you like to buy some magic beans?
01:23And 98% of people say, come on, you two.
01:28Let's get started.
01:36What are you talking about? That is the name of our first round.
01:39We've teamed up with a leading polling organisation,
01:42and they've asked the British nation what stories they've been discussing this week.
01:45It's our panellists' job to guess the British public's top five most popular talking points.
01:49Sean, what have people been talking about?
01:52Well, personally, I think I've lost count this week
01:55the number of times people have, mostly strangers,
01:58have turned to me and said, oh, you're hot, innit?
02:01Oh, brilliant, I'm so hot.
02:04And I think, yeah, I know, I'm standing next to you.
02:07In fact, that's the only thing we've got in common.
02:11We're hot.
02:14I think for example, if they said, look, eagle, I'd be interested.
02:19And then they go to Vinnie Jones on a penny farthing.
02:24Are you close? Do you find it close?
02:26No, I find you a bit close.
02:29I like the fact it makes the world a bit of a friendlier place.
02:32Because you've all got a conversation to have.
02:35It's not a conversation, is it? You go, it's hot, and they go, yeah, it is, isn't it?
02:38That's it.
02:41That's all the conversation I want with my dry cleaner.
02:44I don't want them to go, Tolstoy, do you think he's overrated?
02:47He just goes, you're hot, yeah, hot.
02:50You can't go, no, I'm not hot, I'm a robot.
02:53That's very conditional, don't affect me.
02:56I think robots would be more prone to the heat, actually.
02:59Oh, metal conducts heat.
03:02It's hot, isn't it?
03:07You're right, actually, yeah, I feel, I'm totally ashamed of myself.
03:10There's probably loads of robots out there going, it's bloody boiling, isn't it?
03:13Paul, is it me?
03:16Well, let's have a look and see if the weather
03:19was one of the most talked about things this week.
03:22Yes, it was. It was the most talked about thing in the last week.
03:25We've all been talking about how hot June is.
03:31It's been so hot, some pensioners have even been taking off their cardies.
03:36Dave, Sue, Paul, what have people been talking about?
03:39Well, Wimbledon's back, isn't it?
03:42I mean, Tim Edmonds out, thank God.
03:45I'm sorry, I'm sure he's a nice bloke, I'm sure he can play tennis and all that,
03:48but you can't watch him for all that.
03:51Come on, Tim! Come on, Tim!
03:54There's some sort of competition going on and he'll get the ball
03:57and he'll pick it up, come on, Tim, you can do it!
04:00No, he can't.
04:03His grandfather was a tennis player, his grandmother was the first woman
04:06to serve overhand at Wimbledon.
04:09Really? Yeah. Slut.
04:13Complaining about the women grunting.
04:15Oh, aren't they? Yeah.
04:17And I always say, a grunter's better than a sweater.
04:21Isn't the grunting thing, they're just going to try and ban it
04:24because they say they might be trying to put people off?
04:27Because if you can listen to it occasionally, they go...
04:30I'd like to see it go into other sports like snooker and they just go...
04:39Oh!
04:43Somebody said that Sharapova's grunt was louder
04:46than a petrol-powered lawnmower.
04:50If she makes that much noise hitting a tennis ball,
04:53how much noise would she make if she was...
04:55I know she probably won't ever have to shift pianos,
04:58but she's not going to be at the top forever.
05:02She says, I've heard lorry drivers in cubicles at service stations
05:05making less noise than that.
05:08Let's have a look and see if Wimbledon
05:10is one of the top five most talked about things this week.
05:13Oh, yes.
05:16Yes, Tim Henman went out of Wimbledon yesterday.
05:19It's the time of year when everyone says how rubbish he is.
05:22Yeah, he's ninth in the world.
05:24That's ninth out of six billion.
05:27It's not bad. At least he's in it.
05:29You can't even work the interactive coverage.
05:33Sean, what else have people been talking about this week?
05:35Tom Cruise being squirted.
05:37Yes, I'm pranksters.
05:39Really funny guy.
05:42From Channel 4, actually.
05:44Channel 4, yeah.
05:46What do you think they've got next on the list?
05:48They thought that was funny.
05:49They've got, like, bumming David Blunkett's dog.
05:52If they put it on TV, I'd watch it, that's all I'm saying.
05:56I bet they wouldn't have done it if it was Jackie Chan, would they?
06:00Jackie Chan's on the red carpet, they go...
06:03Russell Crowe, Russell Crowe.
06:05He's a bummer.
06:08You see why it's funny, Russell?
06:10Put that down, put that down.
06:12You did a lot of this kind of caper with Dennis Pennis.
06:14Did you ever get anyone getting shirty or lawsuits or anything?
06:17Russell Grant.
06:20So you went for the big time.
06:22He was at the height of his powers, then.
06:24I asked him if he could read palms.
06:26He said, of course I can.
06:28So I said, what does that say?
06:29It said, f*** off, you fat b****.
06:35He loved it.
06:38He so said, he loved it.
06:41OK, let's have a look if Tom Cruise is in the top five most talked about things.
06:47Yes.
06:48This week, Tom Cruise was hit in the face by a jet of water
06:51as part of a TV comedy show.
06:53Channel 4 said the incident was not intended to cause offence
06:56and was very much in the spirit of fun.
06:58They sent flowers to apologise.
07:00Well, one flower, and said, you've got to smell it right up close.
07:03Tom Cruise last week proposed to Katie Holmes.
07:06He said, will you marry me?
07:08She said, you had me at I'm a billionaire.
07:13Dave, what else have people been talking about?
07:15You've got two more to get.
07:17I'll just go for a million fat kids in the country.
07:20Fat parents have fat kids, and that's what happens, you know.
07:23I was in this pub, and they'd just come in as a family,
07:25like there's mum and dad in Chantel Demi.
07:27He's at the bar, ordering the food, shouting across the pub,
07:30Doreen, what are you having?
07:32I'll have them knackers.
07:34Knackers with cheese, then I'll have that all-day breakfast,
07:37mega-breakfast, I'll have that, then,
07:39Beowell tart and custard, onion rings,
07:41don't forget, bag of chips, don't worry, yeah.
07:44What are you having, drink? Oh, Diet Coke.
07:48This bloke shouted over and said,
07:50any more of this dieting, Doreen, you'll go down plug-hole.
07:55I said, she won't go down a pissing manhole.
08:00APPLAUSE
08:04We've got a third of Europe's fat kids.
08:07England!
08:10I'm afraid the story wasn't one of the most talked-about things this week.
08:13But, yes, there was the story
08:15that there are one million obese children in Britain today.
08:18Do you realise that if they all jumped up and down at the same time,
08:21they might just lose some weight?
08:25Fingers on buzzers. What else have people been talking about?
08:28Smoking.
08:30They're finalising the smoking bill.
08:32And they're deciding what considers to be a public place.
08:35For example, they're saying a bus stop
08:37is a public place, you can't smoke there.
08:39So I think, what am I going to do for two hours, then?
08:43I think for kids, they're trying to raise the age, aren't they, as well?
08:46To 18. So they're not allowed to buy knives at 16,
08:49they can't wear hoods, how are they going to look hard?
08:54Let's have a look and see if the smoking ban
08:56is one of our top five stories.
08:58Yes, it is, the fourth most talked-about thing this week.
09:03The new legislation bans smokers from lighting up in pubs.
09:06Some say it's just another example of the nanny state.
09:09A government spokesman said, I think someone's overtired.
09:14You've got one more thing to get.
09:17Is it the fiasco that was the American Grand Prix
09:20where none of them would race because they've got the wrong tyres on?
09:24300,000 Americans just watched six of them ground.
09:27And Schumacher won.
09:29In what way is that different from normal Grand Prix?
09:32Schumacher said, though, in his very dry German way,
09:35he said, you know, they're throwing things on the track, water,
09:38and by the smell of it, some beer.
09:41How fast is he going so he can smell beer on the way round?
09:45Let's have a look and see if the Formula 1 fiasco
09:47is in the top five talked-about things.
09:50Yes, it is.
09:52Yes, because of a problem with the tyres,
09:54only six cars raced in the American Grand Prix.
09:56It's the first time in history that Formula 1
09:58has genuinely resembled Scalextric.
10:01So, at the end of that round, I can tell you that
10:03Sean, June and Peter have three points
10:05and Dave, Paul and Sue have two points.
10:11The next round is called the poll with a hole.
10:14We've looked through hundreds of surveys past and present
10:16from around the world and unearthed some fascinating facts.
10:19Unfortunately, each statistic is missing
10:21one salient piece of information,
10:23so it's up to our panellists to fill in the gaps.
10:25OK, Sean Steen, you are first.
10:2780% of Daily Mail readers don't like what?
10:30Er, reggae.
10:34They don't like anything, do they?
10:36If they had their way, one end of the Channel Tunnel
10:38would be a big cheese grater, wouldn't it?
10:42The correct.
10:46I like the way you immediately gave it a name in French.
10:48Did I?
10:50Do you know how crazy I thought that and didn't say it?
10:52But obviously I said it.
10:58Is it people whose houses are on wheels?
11:03Who like to move about a bit?
11:05Settle down for a couple of weeks,
11:07burn a few tyres and then move on.
11:11Don't like the way that George Eliot's mill on the floss ended.
11:13Found it a little downbeat.
11:15It's something rude.
11:17Gay sex?
11:19No, er, gag balls.
11:23Ridding a chimp. They don't like that.
11:27Where might they see sex?
11:29On the telly.
11:31Correct.
11:3380% of Daily Mail readers don't like sex on TV.
11:36If you're a Daily Mail reader, look away now.
11:42That's actually quite erotic.
11:44Yeah.
11:48OK, I can't tell you the source of this one, Dave's team,
11:50cos it would give it away.
11:5280% of doctors are in favour of what?
11:54Kissing it better.
11:58Is it working for you?
12:0080% of doctors are in favour of Dr Fox being struck off.
12:05Is it acupuncture?
12:07Only I've had it and it works, you know, it's good.
12:09But I always wonder, oh, did they ever, ever get that
12:11past the medical council, that sticking pins in you?
12:13And did it ever, ever come about?
12:15Was it two samurai warriors centuries ago,
12:17going...
12:19Oh, my headache's gone.
12:23Do you know what goes on?
12:25Do you have to use an acupuncture repair kit?
12:30It's 80% of doctors are in favour of Chloramphenicol
12:33for red-eye in children.
12:37This is from a survey that featured in the Daily Express
12:39in December 2004.
12:4150% of people can't explain what what is.
12:45Is it Kamal from Big Brother?
12:49Cillit Bang.
12:51What is Cillit Bang?
12:53What?
12:55I don't know, I found it in the bathroom the other day.
12:57I'm reading it cos I'm on the toilet.
12:59You do, don't you?
13:01I've done the bleach, I've done the CIF.
13:03Cillit Bang, and there's no ingredients on it.
13:05It's very Moorish.
13:07I'll give you a clue, something to do with finance.
13:09What is a bank?
13:11Seriously, what is a bank?
13:13My friend said to me,
13:15what's a building society?
13:17He said, I don't know what a building society is.
13:19And I said, what's a bank?
13:21I don't know what a bank is.
13:23I don't know what it is.
13:25What is it?
13:27They say that they've got your money, you know?
13:29And you go in and they give it to you?
13:31Yeah, usually they have.
13:33I mean, it's not really as easy as that sometimes.
13:35They make it difficult for you,
13:37but somehow they invest your money in things.
13:41I feel like Peter, you're auditioning for the thickest man in Europe.
13:45Shall I tell you?
13:4750% of people can't explain what an overdraft is.
13:49I'll tell you what, give me your pin number
13:51and I'll show you.
13:55So, at the end of that round,
13:57it's five points for Sean's team
13:59and five points for Dave's team.
14:01Join me after the break
14:03where, amongst other things,
14:05we find out what Britain's biggest garden pest is
14:07and the greatest source of human happiness.
14:15Welcome back to 8 Out Of 10 Cats.
14:17Time for What's The Poll?
14:19I'm going to show you five people
14:21who were all popular answers on the same poll.
14:23All our panellists have to do is tell me what's the poll.
14:25We'll play them one by one
14:27after each clip, both teams can buzz in
14:29and suggest what poll they might have appeared on.
14:31Here's your first one.
14:35Despite the pouring rain,
14:37crowds turn out to witness the mysterious arrival of Mr Gandhi,
14:39who has come to London for the Round Table Conference.
14:41Ah, that's lovely.
14:45It was, of course, a film made of Gandhi's life,
14:47a million and a half extras.
14:49That's a hell of a DVD, isn't it?
14:53Gandhi there, what poll might he have appeared on?
14:57Least popular ice cream flavour.
15:01Gandhi's flavour.
15:03I've spent some time in India,
15:05it's a wonderful, fantastic country.
15:07It's a beautiful country, yeah.
15:09It's the only place in the world, actually,
15:11you can get killed by a tiger or a salad.
15:15Is it people who look like Gollum?
15:19People who should have gone to Specsavers.
15:23How about Best Ben Kingsley look-alike?
15:27Is it people whose nickname was Goosey Goosey?
15:29Is it famous Mahatmas?
15:33One of the things Gandhi is famous for,
15:35and he used to do this to sort of prove
15:37that his celibacy, to prove his self-control,
15:39that he could resist temptation,
15:41he would sleep with virgins, 16-year-old girls,
15:43every night, and he would sleep with one
15:45so he could prove that he could resist temptation.
15:47Every morning he'd come out and go,
15:49oh, failed again.
15:51Still, I'll have another crack at it tonight.
15:53APPLAUSE
15:57OK, next person on the poll.
15:59As far as the eye can see,
16:01a press of excited youngsters from all over the region
16:03are on hand for the return of Elvis Presley
16:05to Tupelo, Mississippi,
16:07the town where he was born.
16:09Mr Teenager is on his way to attaining a popularity
16:11unparalleled in theatre history.
16:13Elvis is never too busy
16:15to oblige his young admirers.
16:19So Elvis and Gandhi, what might they have in common?
16:21That's a nice shot, isn't it?
16:23People currently flying spaceships with Shergill.
16:27People my dad thinks are gay.
16:33Have they both starred in Jailhouse Rock?
16:38Gandhi I don't think was in Jailhouse Rock.
16:40I'd have to check.
16:42Was he ever put away?
16:44Was he ever put away? He maybe was.
16:46Yeah, but they didn't make a film of it where he died.
16:48Was it people whose nickname was
16:50The Pelvis?
16:54Again, not so much with the Gandhi on that one.
16:58Next person.
17:00He was voted top entertainer in the Channel Islands
17:02a couple of seasons ago.
17:04You've seen him on Seaside Special,
17:06live from the Palladium.
17:08Please welcome Shane Ritchie.
17:14Oh, no!
17:16What is he thinking?
17:20Shane Ritchie there.
17:22What pole do you think he might have appeared on
17:24with Elvis and Gandhi?
17:26They've all shagged the Nolan.
17:28Is that photo Shane Ritchie
17:30taken from a Spot the Bee competition?
17:34It's got ours red coats on them.
17:38Did he like a good curry?
17:41Next clip.
17:46That looks bad,
17:48but Prince Charles did get his own back.
17:54Is it people who are dead
17:56but people think are alive?
17:58Yes.
18:03Shane Ritchie, if you're watching,
18:05don't panic.
18:07You are still alive.
18:09I know what it is.
18:11Have they all,
18:13apart from Gandhi,
18:15this is where I think
18:17he's going to fall down.
18:19Is it something to do
18:21with weight loss,
18:23up and down?
18:25No.
18:27Oh.
18:29Yo-yo deity, definitely.
18:31It's not definitely, isn't it?
18:33He's in June.
18:35Next person.
18:37But you come from out of the blue.
18:39I told you where I come from.
18:41I come from God.
18:43My name is Jesus
18:45and I come from God.
18:47Go on, leave us alone.
18:49You lonely nutcase.
18:51You ought to be locked up.
18:55That was Jesus, the famous caveman.
18:59Is that the ZZ Top acting society?
19:03Is it people you'd like to meet
19:05or have a chat with?
19:07Shane Ritchie's in there.
19:09You're along exactly the right lines.
19:12Is it people you'd like to have round for dinner?
19:14Yes.
19:16Yes, it is, yes.
19:20They all appeared on a poll of the person
19:22Britons would most like to have round to dinner.
19:24Princess Diana was top of the list.
19:26We all remember where we were when we heard the tragic news.
19:28I was in Kensington Park,
19:30thinking, you know what this place needs?
19:32Another fountain.
19:34So at the end of that round,
19:36it is five points for Dave's team
19:38and five points for Sean's team.
19:42And the winner is, is the name of our final round.
19:44I'm going to give the teams a series of opinion polls
19:46and it's up to them to buzz in
19:48and tell me who or what they think came top.
19:50Here is your first one.
19:52Cosmetic operation women would most like to give their partners.
19:55Is it, you know when men go to the toilet
19:57and when they've finished having a wee,
19:59they give it a shake and it goes all over the board
20:01and women hate that, don't they?
20:03It goes everywhere and all that.
20:05There should be a cosmetic operation
20:07on your penis so that when you've finished
20:09it goes...
20:15I imagine with a lot of women
20:17it's just the entire front.
20:19He'd like him to have a completely new front.
20:23Commitment enlargement.
20:27Women said the cosmetic operation
20:29they would most like to give their partners is
20:31nothing.
20:33This is from a survey from UK TV Style Gardens
20:35from March 2003.
20:37Biggest British garden pest.
20:39Is it a pylon?
20:43Now this thing happened in Charlotte last week.
20:45A couple moved into this new house and they had a pylon
20:47at the bottom of the garden, right?
20:49And he's out doing a bit of digging and she's out doing a bit of digging
20:51and he put his hand on the pylon because he got some dog shit
20:53on his shoe.
20:55So he's on the pylon like that.
20:57She thinks that electricity's got him.
20:59She whacks him with a spade like that.
21:01That's shattered.
21:05Is it Darren Day
21:07with a bottle of Pimms and Sunlounger?
21:11Is it slugs and snails?
21:13You're right.
21:17Yes, Britain's biggest garden pest
21:19is slugs, although I take their threats
21:21with a pinch of salt.
21:24OK, this is from an international survey
21:26carried out by the New Scientist magazine
21:28October 2003.
21:30Is it the source of human happiness?
21:33I'm never happier than when I drive past
21:35some Burberry-clad tow-rag
21:37emptying out its pockets onto the bonnet of a squad car.
21:39That always cheers me up.
21:42Is it Ernie Bennington-Ordon's tenth laughter file?
21:47Is it taking the piss out of German and French tourists?
21:49I love that.
21:51You know, when they hide a car and you go,
21:53oh, it's quite easy.
21:55One yellow line down the side of the road,
21:57that's parking for one hour.
21:59Yeah, yeah, crap on, yeah.
22:03Is it laughing?
22:05Children. Sky plus.
22:07Is it finding a...
22:10Is it finding a tenner in an old pair of jeans?
22:12No, in fact, the greatest source of human happiness
22:14is marriage.
22:16Apparently that's what came top of the survey.
22:19Well, that sound tells me that it's the end of the round
22:21and the end of the show, which means the final scores are...
22:23Sean's team have eight points
22:25and Dave's team have eight points.
22:27It's a dead heat.
22:29Everyone's a winner.
22:31Thanks to all our panellists, our wonderful studio audience
22:33and to all of you for watching at home.
22:35That's it from us. Good night.
22:57Thank you.