8 Out of 10 Cats. S01 E04.

deaddogsmoking
deaddogsmoking
  • 3 months ago
First broadcast 24th June 2005.

Jimmy Carr

Sean Lock
Dave Spikey
John Pohlhammer

Paul Kaye
June Sarpong
Sue Perkins
Peter Serafinowicz

Category

📺
TV
Transcript
00:00-♪♪
00:10-♪♪
00:15-♪♪
00:20-♪♪
00:22Tonight, on 8 Out Of 10 Cats,
00:25the original banker, Paul Gage!
00:28Live from Florida, Sue Burton!
00:31And their captain, Dave Spikey!
00:35And facing them tonight, from T4, it's June Sarpong!
00:40From the dark side, Peter Serafinowicz!
00:44And their captain, John Locke!
00:47People, it's your host, Jimmy Carr!
00:52-♪♪
00:57Well, thanks very much indeed, and welcome to 8 Out Of 10 Cats,
01:00a show about opinion polls, surveys and statistics.
01:03Did you know, for example, 18% of Brits
01:06prefer gardening to spending intimate time with their partner?
01:09I say, give me a pair of gloves and a bottle of Miracle-Gro,
01:12and I'm ready for either.
01:15One in three adults believe in angels, and to those people,
01:18I say, would you like to buy some magic beans?
01:23And 98% of people say, come on, you two.
01:28Let's get started.
01:36What are you talking about? That is the name of our first round.
01:39We've teamed up with a leading polling organisation,
01:42and they've asked the British nation what stories they've been discussing this week.
01:45It's our panellists' job to guess the British public's top five most popular talking points.
01:49Sean, what have people been talking about?
01:52Well, personally, I think I've lost count this week
01:55the number of times people have, mostly strangers,
01:58have turned to me and said, oh, you're hot, innit?
02:01Oh, brilliant, I'm so hot.
02:04And I think, yeah, I know, I'm standing next to you.
02:07In fact, that's the only thing we've got in common.
02:11We're hot.
02:14I think for example, if they said, look, eagle, I'd be interested.
02:19And then they go to Vinnie Jones on a penny farthing.
02:24Are you close? Do you find it close?
02:26No, I find you a bit close.
02:29I like the fact it makes the world a bit of a friendlier place.
02:32Because you've all got a conversation to have.
02:35It's not a conversation, is it? You go, it's hot, and they go, yeah, it is, isn't it?
02:38That's it.
02:41That's all the conversation I want with my dry cleaner.
02:44I don't want them to go, Tolstoy, do you think he's overrated?
02:47He just goes, you're hot, yeah, hot.
02:50You can't go, no, I'm not hot, I'm a robot.
02:53That's very conditional, don't affect me.
02:56I think robots would be more prone to the heat, actually.
02:59Oh, metal conducts heat.
03:02It's hot, isn't it?
03:07You're right, actually, yeah, I feel, I'm totally ashamed of myself.
03:10There's probably loads of robots out there going, it's bloody boiling, isn't it?
03:13Paul, is it me?
03:16Well, let's have a look and see if the weather
03:19was one of the most talked about things this week.
03:22Yes, it was. It was the most talked about thing in the last week.
03:25We've all been talking about how hot June is.
03:31It's been so hot, some pensioners have even been taking off their cardies.
03:36Dave, Sue, Paul, what have people been talking about?
03:39Well, Wimbledon's back, isn't it?
03:42I mean, Tim Edmonds out, thank God.
03:45I'm sorry, I'm sure he's a nice bloke, I'm sure he can play tennis and all that,
03:48but you can't watch him for all that.
03:51Come on, Tim! Come on, Tim!
03:54There's some sort of competition going on and he'll get the ball
03:57and he'll pick it up, come on, Tim, you can do it!
04:00No, he can't.
04:03His grandfather was a tennis player, his grandmother was the first woman
04:06to serve overhand at Wimbledon.
04:09Really? Yeah. Slut.
04:13Complaining about the women grunting.
04:15Oh, aren't they? Yeah.
04:17And I always say, a grunter's better than a sweater.
04:21Isn't the grunting thing, they're just going to try and ban it
04:24because they say they might be trying to put people off?
04:27Because if you can listen to it occasionally, they go...
04:30I'd like to see it go into other sports like snooker and they just go...
04:39Oh!
04:43Somebody said that Sharapova's grunt was louder
04:46than a petrol-powered lawnmower.
04:50If she makes that much noise hitting a tennis ball,
04:53how much noise would she make if she was...
04:55I know she probably won't ever have to shift pianos,
04:58but she's not going to be at the top forever.
05:02She says, I've heard lorry drivers in cubicles at service stations
05:05making less noise than that.
05:08Let's have a look and see if Wimbledon
05:10is one of the top five most talked about things this week.
05:13Oh, yes.
05:16Yes, Tim Henman went out of Wimbledon yesterday.
05:19It's the time of year when everyone says how rubbish he is.
05:22Yeah, he's ninth in the world.
05:24That's ninth out of six billion.
05:27It's not bad. At least he's in it.
05:29You can't even work the interactive coverage.
05:33Sean, what else have people been talking about this week?
05:35Tom Cruise being squirted.
05:37Yes, I'm pranksters.
05:39Really funny guy.
05:42From Channel 4, actually.
05:44Channel 4, yeah.
05:46What do you think they've got next on the list?
05:48They thought that was funny.
05:49They've got, like, bumming David Blunkett's dog.
05:52If they put it on TV, I'd watch it, that's all I'm saying.
05:56I bet they wouldn't have done it if it was Jackie Chan, would they?
06:00Jackie Chan's on the red carpet, they go...
06:03Russell Crowe, Russell Crowe.
06:05He's a bummer.
06:08You see why it's funny, Russell?
06:10Put that down, put that down.
06:12You did a lot of this kind of caper with Dennis Pennis.
06:14Did you ever get anyone getting shirty or lawsuits or anything?
06:17Russell Grant.
06:20So you went for the big time.
06:22He was at the height of his powers, then.
06:24I asked him if he could read palms.
06:26He said, of course I can.
06:28So I said, what does that say?
06:29It said, f*** off, you fat b****.
06:35He loved it.
06:38He so said, he loved it.
06:41OK, let's have a look if Tom Cruise is in the top five most talked about things.
06:47Yes.
06:48This week, Tom Cruise was hit in the face by a jet of water
06:51as part of a TV comedy show.
06:53Channel 4 said the incident was not intended to cause offence
06:56and was very much in the spirit of fun.
06:58They sent flowers to apologise.
07:00Well, one flower, and said, you've got to smell it right up close.
07:03Tom Cruise last week proposed to Katie Holmes.
07:06He said, will you marry me?
07:08She said, you had me at I'm a billionaire.
07:13Dave, what else have people been talking about?
07:15You've got two more to get.
07:17I'll just go for a million fat kids in the country.
07:20Fat parents have fat kids, and that's what happens, you know.
07:23I was in this pub, and they'd just come in as a family,
07:25like there's mum and dad in Chantel Demi.
07:27He's at the bar, ordering the food, shouting across the pub,
07:30Doreen, what are you having?
07:32I'll have them knackers.
07:34Knackers with cheese, then I'll have that all-day breakfast,
07:37mega-breakfast, I'll have that, then,
07:39Beowell tart and custard, onion rings,
07:41don't forget, bag of chips, don't worry, yeah.
07:44What are you having, drink? Oh, Diet Coke.
07:48This bloke shouted over and said,
07:50any more of this dieting, Doreen, you'll go down plug-hole.
07:55I said, she won't go down a pissing manhole.
08:00APPLAUSE
08:04We've got a third of Europe's fat kids.
08:07England!
08:10I'm afraid the story wasn't one of the most talked-about things this week.
08:13But, yes, there was the story
08:15that there are one million obese children in Britain today.
08:18Do you realise that if they all jumped up and down at the same time,
08:21they might just lose some weight?
08:25Fingers on buzzers. What else have people been talking about?
08:28Smoking.
08:30They're finalising the smoking bill.
08:32And they're deciding what considers to be a public place.
08:35For example, they're saying a bus stop
08:37is a public place, you can't smoke there.
08:39So I think, what am I going to do for two hours, then?
08:43I think for kids, they're trying to raise the age, aren't they, as well?
08:46To 18. So they're not allowed to buy knives at 16,
08:49they can't wear hoods, how are they going to look hard?
08:54Let's have a look and see if the smoking ban
08:56is one of our top five stories.
08:58Yes, it is, the fourth most talked-about thing this week.
09:03The new legislation bans smokers from lighting up in pubs.
09:06Some say it's just another example of the nanny state.
09:09A government spokesman said, I think someone's overtired.
09:14You've got one more thing to get.
09:17Is it the fiasco that was the American Grand Prix
09:20where none of them would race because they've got the wrong tyres on?
09:24300,000 Americans just watched six of them ground.
09:27And Schumacher won.
09:29In what way is that different from normal Grand Prix?
09:32Schumacher said, though, in his very dry German way,
09:35he said, you know, they're throwing things on the track, water,
09:38and by the smell of it, some beer.
09:41How fast is he going so he can smell beer on the way round?
09:45Let's have a look and see if the Formula 1 fiasco
09:47is in the top five talked-about things.
09:50Yes, it is.
09:52Yes, because of a problem with the tyres,
09:54only six cars raced in the American Grand Prix.
09:56It's the first time in history that Formula 1
09:58has genuinely resembled Scalextric.
10:01So, at the end of that round, I can tell you that
10:03Sean, June and Peter have three points
10:05and Dave, Paul and Sue have two points.
10:11The next round is called the poll with a hole.
10:14We've looked through hundreds of surveys past and present
10:16from around the world and unearthed some fascinating facts.
10:19Unfortunately, each statistic is missing
10:21one salient piece of information,
10:23so it's up to our panellists to fill in the gaps.
10:25OK, Sean Steen, you are first.
10:2780% of Daily Mail readers don't like what?
10:30Er, reggae.
10:34They don't like anything, do they?
10:36If they had their way, one end of the Channel Tunnel
10:38would be a big cheese grater, wouldn't it?
10:42The correct.
10:46I like the way you immediately gave it a name in French.
10:48Did I?
10:50Do you know how crazy I thought that and didn't say it?
10:52But obviously I said it.
10:58Is it people whose houses are on wheels?
11:03Who like to move about a bit?
11:05Settle down for a couple of weeks,
11:07burn a few tyres and then move on.
11:11Don't like the way that George Eliot's mill on the floss ended.
11:13Found it a little downbeat.
11:15It's something rude.
11:17Gay sex?
11:19No, er, gag balls.
11:23Ridding a chimp. They don't like that.
11:27Where might they see sex?
11:29On the telly.
11:31Correct.
11:3380% of Daily Mail readers don't like sex on TV.
11:36If you're a Daily Mail reader, look away now.
11:42That's actually quite erotic.
11:44Yeah.
11:48OK, I can't tell you the source of this one, Dave's team,
11:50cos it would give it away.
11:5280% of doctors are in favour of what?
11:54Kissing it better.
11:58Is it working for you?
12:0080% of doctors are in favour of Dr Fox being struck off.
12:05Is it acupuncture?
12:07Only I've had it and it works, you know, it's good.
12:09But I always wonder, oh, did they ever, ever get that
12:11past the medical council, that sticking pins in you?
12:13And did it ever, ever come about?
12:15Was it two samurai warriors centuries ago,
12:17going...
12:19Oh, my headache's gone.
12:23Do you know what goes on?
12:25Do you have to use an acupuncture repair kit?
12:30It's 80% of doctors are in favour of Chloramphenicol
12:33for red-eye in children.
12:37This is from a survey that featured in the Daily Express
12:39in December 2004.
12:4150% of people can't explain what what is.
12:45Is it Kamal from Big Brother?
12:49Cillit Bang.
12:51What is Cillit Bang?
12:53What?
12:55I don't know, I found it in the bathroom the other day.
12:57I'm reading it cos I'm on the toilet.
12:59You do, don't you?
13:01I've done the bleach, I've done the CIF.
13:03Cillit Bang, and there's no ingredients on it.
13:05It's very Moorish.
13:07I'll give you a clue, something to do with finance.
13:09What is a bank?
13:11Seriously, what is a bank?
13:13My friend said to me,
13:15what's a building society?
13:17He said, I don't know what a building society is.
13:19And I said, what's a bank?
13:21I don't know what a bank is.
13:23I don't know what it is.
13:25What is it?
13:27They say that they've got your money, you know?
13:29And you go in and they give it to you?
13:31Yeah, usually they have.
13:33I mean, it's not really as easy as that sometimes.
13:35They make it difficult for you,
13:37but somehow they invest your money in things.
13:41I feel like Peter, you're auditioning for the thickest man in Europe.
13:45Shall I tell you?
13:4750% of people can't explain what an overdraft is.
13:49I'll tell you what, give me your pin number
13:51and I'll show you.
13:55So, at the end of that round,
13:57it's five points for Sean's team
13:59and five points for Dave's team.
14:01Join me after the break
14:03where, amongst other things,
14:05we find out what Britain's biggest garden pest is
14:07and the greatest source of human happiness.
14:15Welcome back to 8 Out Of 10 Cats.
14:17Time for What's The Poll?
14:19I'm going to show you five people
14:21who were all popular answers on the same poll.
14:23All our panellists have to do is tell me what's the poll.
14:25We'll play them one by one
14:27after each clip, both teams can buzz in
14:29and suggest what poll they might have appeared on.
14:31Here's your first one.
14:35Despite the pouring rain,
14:37crowds turn out to witness the mysterious arrival of Mr Gandhi,
14:39who has come to London for the Round Table Conference.
14:41Ah, that's lovely.
14:45It was, of course, a film made of Gandhi's life,
14:47a million and a half extras.
14:49That's a hell of a DVD, isn't it?
14:53Gandhi there, what poll might he have appeared on?
14:57Least popular ice cream flavour.
15:01Gandhi's flavour.
15:03I've spent some time in India,
15:05it's a wonderful, fantastic country.
15:07It's a beautiful country, yeah.
15:09It's the only place in the world, actually,
15:11you can get killed by a tiger or a salad.
15:15Is it people who look like Gollum?
15:19People who should have gone to Specsavers.
15:23How about Best Ben Kingsley look-alike?
15:27Is it people whose nickname was Goosey Goosey?
15:29Is it famous Mahatmas?
15:33One of the things Gandhi is famous for,
15:35and he used to do this to sort of prove
15:37that his celibacy, to prove his self-control,
15:39that he could resist temptation,
15:41he would sleep with virgins, 16-year-old girls,
15:43every night, and he would sleep with one
15:45so he could prove that he could resist temptation.
15:47Every morning he'd come out and go,
15:49oh, failed again.
15:51Still, I'll have another crack at it tonight.
15:53APPLAUSE
15:57OK, next person on the poll.
15:59As far as the eye can see,
16:01a press of excited youngsters from all over the region
16:03are on hand for the return of Elvis Presley
16:05to Tupelo, Mississippi,
16:07the town where he was born.
16:09Mr Teenager is on his way to attaining a popularity
16:11unparalleled in theatre history.
16:13Elvis is never too busy
16:15to oblige his young admirers.
16:19So Elvis and Gandhi, what might they have in common?
16:21That's a nice shot, isn't it?
16:23People currently flying spaceships with Shergill.
16:27People my dad thinks are gay.
16:33Have they both starred in Jailhouse Rock?
16:38Gandhi I don't think was in Jailhouse Rock.
16:40I'd have to check.
16:42Was he ever put away?
16:44Was he ever put away? He maybe was.
16:46Yeah, but they didn't make a film of it where he died.
16:48Was it people whose nickname was
16:50The Pelvis?
16:54Again, not so much with the Gandhi on that one.
16:58Next person.
17:00He was voted top entertainer in the Channel Islands
17:02a couple of seasons ago.
17:04You've seen him on Seaside Special,
17:06live from the Palladium.
17:08Please welcome Shane Ritchie.
17:14Oh, no!
17:16What is he thinking?
17:20Shane Ritchie there.
17:22What pole do you think he might have appeared on
17:24with Elvis and Gandhi?
17:26They've all shagged the Nolan.
17:28Is that photo Shane Ritchie
17:30taken from a Spot the Bee competition?
17:34It's got ours red coats on them.
17:38Did he like a good curry?
17:41Next clip.
17:46That looks bad,
17:48but Prince Charles did get his own back.
17:54Is it people who are dead
17:56but people think are alive?
17:58Yes.
18:03Shane Ritchie, if you're watching,
18:05don't panic.
18:07You are still alive.
18:09I know what it is.
18:11Have they all,
18:13apart from Gandhi,
18:15this is where I think
18:17he's going to fall down.
18:19Is it something to do
18:21with weight loss,
18:23up and down?
18:25No.
18:27Oh.
18:29Yo-yo deity, definitely.
18:31It's not definitely, isn't it?
18:33He's in June.
18:35Next person.
18:37But you come from out of the blue.
18:39I told you where I come from.
18:41I come from God.
18:43My name is Jesus
18:45and I come from God.
18:47Go on, leave us alone.
18:49You lonely nutcase.
18:51You ought to be locked up.
18:55That was Jesus, the famous caveman.
18:59Is that the ZZ Top acting society?
19:03Is it people you'd like to meet
19:05or have a chat with?
19:07Shane Ritchie's in there.
19:09You're along exactly the right lines.
19:12Is it people you'd like to have round for dinner?
19:14Yes.
19:16Yes, it is, yes.
19:20They all appeared on a poll of the person
19:22Britons would most like to have round to dinner.
19:24Princess Diana was top of the list.
19:26We all remember where we were when we heard the tragic news.
19:28I was in Kensington Park,
19:30thinking, you know what this place needs?
19:32Another fountain.
19:34So at the end of that round,
19:36it is five points for Dave's team
19:38and five points for Sean's team.
19:42And the winner is, is the name of our final round.
19:44I'm going to give the teams a series of opinion polls
19:46and it's up to them to buzz in
19:48and tell me who or what they think came top.
19:50Here is your first one.
19:52Cosmetic operation women would most like to give their partners.
19:55Is it, you know when men go to the toilet
19:57and when they've finished having a wee,
19:59they give it a shake and it goes all over the board
20:01and women hate that, don't they?
20:03It goes everywhere and all that.
20:05There should be a cosmetic operation
20:07on your penis so that when you've finished
20:09it goes...
20:15I imagine with a lot of women
20:17it's just the entire front.
20:19He'd like him to have a completely new front.
20:23Commitment enlargement.
20:27Women said the cosmetic operation
20:29they would most like to give their partners is
20:31nothing.
20:33This is from a survey from UK TV Style Gardens
20:35from March 2003.
20:37Biggest British garden pest.
20:39Is it a pylon?
20:43Now this thing happened in Charlotte last week.
20:45A couple moved into this new house and they had a pylon
20:47at the bottom of the garden, right?
20:49And he's out doing a bit of digging and she's out doing a bit of digging
20:51and he put his hand on the pylon because he got some dog shit
20:53on his shoe.
20:55So he's on the pylon like that.
20:57She thinks that electricity's got him.
20:59She whacks him with a spade like that.
21:01That's shattered.
21:05Is it Darren Day
21:07with a bottle of Pimms and Sunlounger?
21:11Is it slugs and snails?
21:13You're right.
21:17Yes, Britain's biggest garden pest
21:19is slugs, although I take their threats
21:21with a pinch of salt.
21:24OK, this is from an international survey
21:26carried out by the New Scientist magazine
21:28October 2003.
21:30Is it the source of human happiness?
21:33I'm never happier than when I drive past
21:35some Burberry-clad tow-rag
21:37emptying out its pockets onto the bonnet of a squad car.
21:39That always cheers me up.
21:42Is it Ernie Bennington-Ordon's tenth laughter file?
21:47Is it taking the piss out of German and French tourists?
21:49I love that.
21:51You know, when they hide a car and you go,
21:53oh, it's quite easy.
21:55One yellow line down the side of the road,
21:57that's parking for one hour.
21:59Yeah, yeah, crap on, yeah.
22:03Is it laughing?
22:05Children. Sky plus.
22:07Is it finding a...
22:10Is it finding a tenner in an old pair of jeans?
22:12No, in fact, the greatest source of human happiness
22:14is marriage.
22:16Apparently that's what came top of the survey.
22:19Well, that sound tells me that it's the end of the round
22:21and the end of the show, which means the final scores are...
22:23Sean's team have eight points
22:25and Dave's team have eight points.
22:27It's a dead heat.
22:29Everyone's a winner.
22:31Thanks to all our panellists, our wonderful studio audience
22:33and to all of you for watching at home.
22:35That's it from us. Good night.
22:57Thank you.