8 Out of 10 Cats. S01 E10.

deaddogsmoking
deaddogsmoking
  • 4 months ago
First broadcast 5th August 2005.

Jimmy Carr

Sean Lock
Dave Spikey
John Pohlhammer

Vic Reeves
Alan Carr
Frankie Boyle
Kate Garraway

Category

📺
TV
Transcript
00:00-♪♪
00:10-♪♪
00:20Tonight on 8 Out Of 10 Cats,
00:22staying up late, it's a fairway.
00:26Live from Glasgee, Frankie Boyle.
00:29And their captain, Dave Spikey.
00:33And facing them tonight, he's a celebrity, Rick Reed.
00:38The lovable Alan Carr.
00:41And their captain, Sean Locke.
00:45Now, make some noise for your host, Jimmy Carr.
00:50CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
00:55Welcome to 8 Out Of 10 Cats,
00:57where we talk about opinion polls, surveys and statistics.
01:00This is interesting. The Bible is the world's most shoplifted book.
01:03To be fair, how are you meant to know you shouldn't steal it
01:05before you've read it?
01:0814% of bosses think it's acceptable for potential employees
01:11to lie on their CVs.
01:13If Channel 4 bosses are watching this,
01:15I haven't got a GCSE in French. Suckers.
01:20And the average marriage lasts 11 years.
01:23I imagine there are a few people at home right now thinking,
01:26Let's get started.
01:34What are you talking about? That's the name of our first round.
01:37We've teamed up with a leading polling organisation
01:39and they've asked the British nation what stories they've been discussing this week.
01:42It's our panellists' job to guess the British public's top five
01:45most popular talking points.
01:47I'll give you the number one story, it's the London bombing arrests.
01:50But what else have people been talking about?
01:52Sean, your team to go first.
01:54Let's start with the opening of the Easy hotel.
01:57The EasyJet guy, he's gone into hotels now.
02:00Who's he, Stelios? Stelios.
02:02And he's opening an EasyJet hotel.
02:04It's only 20 quid a night to stay in London,
02:06but the rooms are bright orange.
02:09I don't... In fact, they are oranges.
02:12You have to burrow into them.
02:15No, actually, they're not. Aren't they?
02:17Well, I'm not staying then.
02:20He's gone into hotels and he's spreading his empire.
02:23Easy brands for loads of different things.
02:25Now, I'm looking forward to the Easy Zoo.
02:29I think you've had a very sort of low-rent...
02:31Well, everything's orange.
02:33There's about 200 foxes and a pigeon that lives off Wotsits.
02:39I can tell you that the opening of the Easy hotel is not in the top five.
02:43You eat.
02:44Dave, your team, what have the nation been talking about this week?
02:47I think they've been talking about the space shuttle with bits falling off it.
02:51It's 25 years old. What are they doing sending that up there?
02:54I've got a 15-year-old caravanette. I wouldn't have got Grangeover Sands in it.
02:59It must have been quite worrying when George Bush comes up on the screen to talk to them.
03:03It's your re-entry, guys. Could you possibly aim the craft at Iran?
03:09The thing is, have you seen the crew? Eileen, she's called.
03:12She's the commander. She's Eileen Collins.
03:14She's a mobile hairdresser as well, obviously.
03:17Have you seen her hair, that Eileen? It's just, like, done.
03:19She's thought, well, I'd better put that helmet on, so she's done her hair like that.
03:23Do you think she decided to be an astronaut when she was at the hairdressers in one of those things?
03:28This is the look for me.
03:31I've seen they've repaired the shuttle now, but, like, if you were on a plane
03:36and you just watched the pilot shin his way out along the wing with a hacksaw
03:41and then he'd come in and go, oh, it's fine now, you'd be shitting yourself.
03:47Well, let's have a look and see if it's in the top five talking points this week.
03:51Yes, it is.
03:54Yes, this is the story of the repairs being carried out on the space shuttle this week.
03:58Discovery will soon be returning to home base.
04:01Or, if they're closed, they'll be nipping into B&Q.
04:06If all the people in China stood on each other's shoulders, they could reach the moon,
04:09which is not only an interesting fact, it's also the latest rescue plan.
04:14Sean, Vic and Alan, what else have the nation been talking about?
04:18Is it Big Brother with Kinga coming down on a bottle?
04:24She did come down... I felt sorry for the bottle, I really did.
04:28She'll not get much back on that at Thresh's, will she?
04:34She should have done us all a favour and stuck Eugene up, shouldn't she?
04:39Let me go.
04:41What are you doing?
04:45Is there any chance that she was just part of a recycling project?
04:50She's got, like, a paper compactor as well.
04:53To be fair to her, Frankie, she was drunk.
04:55She'd had the best part of a bottle of wine inside her.
05:00Honestly, the freaks in there, it's like being locked in a night bus.
05:03I saw it.
05:05I mean, it was an extraordinary incident, though, wasn't it?
05:08They were always trying to outdo each other,
05:10and I just imagine when she stuck the bottle up,
05:12McCosey coming out with the fire hydrant going,
05:14Let the games begin.
05:20Well, let's have a look and see if Kinga's behaviour on Big Brother
05:23was one of the top five most talked about things.
05:28Yes, it was. Everyone's been talking about Big Brother this week,
05:31specifically Kinga pleasuring herself with a wine bottle.
05:34It was a Merlot. Antony had a Semillon.
05:41I think it was just a misunderstanding.
05:43The bottle did say, Screw Top.
05:47Over to you, Dave, to raise the tone.
05:49What else have the nation been talking about?
05:51What do you think, team?
05:52Oh, thongs, I think.
05:53But then maybe you haven't, because you're a boy.
05:55Or the demise of the thong.
05:56The demise of the thong, yeah.
05:57Apparently we're not buying them anymore as girls.
05:59If you're a girl with a big bottom,
06:01it makes your bottom look smaller.
06:03It doesn't make your bottom look smaller,
06:05it makes your bottom look naked with a raw puppet.
06:09I can tell you, thongs were not in the top five.
06:11It was the story that sales of the thongs have fallen
06:14and they've gone out of fashion.
06:15For all the good they do you,
06:16you may as well stick them up your arse.
06:19Fingers on buzzers.
06:20Most talked about things this week.
06:23Is it the Irish woman who's won 79 million on the lottery?
06:28Dolores, I mean.
06:29Now the world's kidnappers are having their own lottery
06:32to decide who gets to take her hostage first.
06:36If I was a kidnapper,
06:37I would actually be cutting out the letters from the ransom note
06:40from that story as I was reading it.
06:43Or we could use the L from lottery and kill.
06:45There we go.
06:48That's a cheery take on the story.
06:50And she's got the good fortune to live in Ireland
06:52where there's a lot of out-of-work terrorists
06:54looking for a pension plan.
06:59Apparently they said to her, they said,
07:00well, you know, we can't pay you all at once.
07:02You can have some now and then some in six months
07:04and then some in a year.
07:05And she went, if you're going to piss about,
07:06give me my pound back.
07:11Let's have a look and see if the Irish lottery win
07:13is in our top five most talked about stories.
07:16Yes, it is.
07:20Fingers on buzzers.
07:21What else is in the top five?
07:25A nice galleon.
07:29LAUGHTER
07:32Is there any more to that story?
07:33Nope, that's it.
07:36I'll have a check for you, V.
07:37Is this the story about the really nice galleon?
07:39Yeah, sorry.
07:41No, the nice galleon didn't make it,
07:43but, you know, thanks for playing along.
07:46Pleasure.
07:49Come on, one more thing to get.
07:50Fingers on buzzers.
07:52Is it Tony Blair saying he's going to leave politics?
07:55He asked him why he was giving up.
07:56He said, because the country is on its arse.
08:00He's just bought a ghost train at a fun fair in Bridlington
08:03and he's going to run that instead.
08:07Tired.
08:09Let's have a look and see if those rumours
08:11about Tony Blair quitting are in the top five.
08:17Yes, there are rumours this week that Tony Blair
08:19is to stand down at the next election.
08:21He is set to make a fortune on the lecture circuit.
08:24Fair enough, he's got mouths to feed,
08:25one of which is enormous.
08:30Well, I can tell you at the end of that round
08:31that Sean, Vic and Alan have two points
08:33and Dave, Frankie and Kate have two points.
08:39The next round is called the poll with a hole.
08:41We've looked through hundreds of surveys, past and present,
08:43from around the world and unearthed some fascinating facts.
08:45Unfortunately, each statistic is missing
08:47one salient piece of information,
08:49so it's up to our panellists to fill in the gaps.
08:51Dave's team, you're first.
08:5362% of pupils believe that teachers what?
08:56Shouldn't really be in the showers with them.
09:01Is it that teachers is their preferred brand of whisky?
09:07He's from Glasgow.
09:10Is it 62% of pupils believe that teachers
09:12are really good at teaching the maths
09:14and 80% think they're not great?
09:24Is it 62% of pupils believe that teachers are mad as a buzz?
09:27Because I think we all had a mad teacher.
09:29We had an absolutely mental mad teacher.
09:32I can't obviously tell you his name,
09:34but he was married to a woman called Mrs Forsyth.
09:38He was mad, because he used to, in the lesson,
09:40if you weren't paying attention, he'd say,
09:41right, I'm going to go and stand outside
09:43and I'm not coming back in until you behave.
09:47And we used to just go mad,
09:49and he'd keep opening the door now and again going,
09:51I'm here!
09:54We used to have a teacher,
09:55he'd literally come in with a chainsaw
09:57and he'd take the head of the person.
10:03I'll give you a clue to this.
10:05It's how the teachers feel about their pupils.
10:07They like to think they like them, don't they?
10:09That is the right answer.
10:13Yeah, 62% of pupils believe that teachers like them.
10:16That or they can't spell lick.
10:22Dave Stream, 30% of Scottish women have what?
10:27Been banned from Wetherspoons?
10:33Have appeared as extras in Bad Girls?
10:38I've breastfed him public, only I went to school.
10:43They come from Scotland, his mum was Scottish,
10:45obviously, more Agatha's than that, I don't know.
10:47She was still breastfeeding him at school
10:49when he was five at primary school.
10:50She used to come and do it through the railings.
10:52It's really funny.
10:54But the sad thing was, it was a real gossip,
10:56so if she saw somebody she knew at the other end
10:58at the playground, she'd be off and he'd be like, ah!
11:05Did you grow up in a car, too?
11:10You were closest with the Wetherspoons guest.
11:12It's a type of crime.
11:14Drunk and disorderly?
11:15No.
11:16Shot-lifted alcohol?
11:17Correct.
11:18Really?
11:19Yes.
11:22Yes, 30% of Scottish women have stolen alcohol.
11:25Shornstein?
11:2616% of medical students have been what by nurses?
11:31Injected by their ovipositors.
11:35Yes, that's it, moving on.
11:38By the what? What was that?
11:39Ovipositors.
11:40Oh, right.
11:41You know, the stem that injects the eggs into the host.
11:45Yeah.
11:47Do you get the feel of doing that to lots of it?
11:49Yeah.
11:53Yeah, mate.
11:55Yeah, the galleon, yeah, brilliant.
12:00It's something that you would normally associate
12:02with happening at school.
12:03Teased.
12:04Bullet.
12:05Correct.
12:10Dave's team, your next one.
12:12The average British man spends £13 a year on what?
12:16His wife.
12:19Go on, you have that yourself, go on, you can spend that.
12:22No-one will want anything back, off you go.
12:25Is it throwing coins at referees?
12:29You have a go, Vic, have a go.
12:31Oh, er, pushbike.
12:34That's a brilliant answer, well done.
12:36Thank you.
12:38Have another go.
12:40Wallnuts, I suppose.
12:43Very good answer as well.
12:44Yeah, thanks.
12:45Oh, is that right, is it walnuts and pushbike?
12:49Your whole body posture there suggests...
12:52I've got the right answer, you can trust me.
12:55No, I'm serious on this one, yeah.
12:56No, I think we have.
12:57Is it pushbikes?
12:58I can't take all the credit for this, it was Sean.
13:02I'm kind of his manager, really.
13:04I mean, er, manager, carer.
13:10No, no, there's...
13:11Right, listen, there are...
13:12How many months in a year?
13:14Thirteen.
13:15How much for your...
13:17How much for your lodgings?
13:18A month.
13:19A pound?
13:20Thirteen pounds.
13:24Rent is the answer.
13:25It's just the smug look after the wrong answer.
13:30I think coconuts.
13:32Because I probably buy five or six coconuts a year.
13:36You get them cheap.
13:37Yeah.
13:38Where do you get them?
13:41You know, the, er, coconut shop.
13:43Oh, yeah.
13:44By the station, yeah.
13:45Kate Garraway, do you have one final guess from Kate Garraway?
13:47Socks or underwear?
13:49That's the correct answer.
13:50Really?
13:55Yes, the average British man spends 13 pounds a year on underwear.
13:58I was in Marks and Spencer's the other day, I splashed out some lacy knickers.
14:01Had to pay for them.
14:03So, at the end of that round, I can tell you that Alan, Vic and Sean have two points,
14:06Kate, Frankie and Dave have seven points.
14:11Join me after the break when we'll be finding out what the best thing about Britain is.
14:24Welcome back to Eight Out Of Ten Cats.
14:26Time for What's The Poll?
14:27I'm going to show you five people who've got the right answer.
14:30Time for What's The Poll?
14:31I'm going to show you five people who were all popular answers on the same poll.
14:34All our panellists have to do is tell me, what's the poll?
14:37Here is your first one.
14:39And the relationship between Mary and this dog is sensational to watch.
14:44Oh, this is delightful.
14:47And it's almost telepathic, she's using mostly just little signals, not commands.
14:53Oh, stunning.
14:55Wonderful, what a performance.
15:00What poll do you think dogs might have appeared on?
15:02Is this dogs with specs or just dogs in general?
15:06A friend of mine had a dog, and this is true, it's got a lisp, this dog.
15:11And when it barks, it goes like this, it goes...
15:16And then it developed a stammer, and it goes...
15:22The dogs are a man's best friend, aren't they?
15:24So I'm just wondering, is it something to do with a poll of best friends
15:26who have at one time or another shit in your kitchen?
15:31No. OK, let's look at the next person on the poll.
15:40I didn't move!
15:42I didn't move!
15:45I didn't move!
15:52Athlete John Drummond there, getting upset to illustrate the Olympics.
15:55What poll do you think might have featured the Olympics and dogs?
15:58Is it things that postmen hate?
16:00Because postmen hate dogs, and they hate the Olympics.
16:04Why?
16:05Well, the Olympic village, they go there, and it's just, you know,
16:09Said Asuwarawara, and they've got to go and find him, haven't they?
16:16It's in a postman, Olympic village, just...
16:20Dogs are going to be allowed into the Olympics, swimming.
16:23I'd like to see a 24-hour Vic Reeves news channel.
16:28You're in luck.
16:30I actually thought I was appearing on Eat Out Of Tin Cans.
16:33Well, we would just have to eat out of tin cans and enjoy it.
16:38That's why I went on this show.
16:45Let's have a look at the next person on the list.
16:47She knows hubby has to work hard, but if only he could be in punctually sometimes.
16:53Ah, there he is now.
16:54She's heard it plenty of times before,
16:56but she actually believes that stuff about being kept at the office.
17:01No, I won't work too hard.
17:03I'll be home as soon as possible.
17:06Ah, that was the phone. I must go now.
17:09Goodbye, darling.
17:15Mobile phones there.
17:16Television companies have been accused of profiting from mobile phone voting.
17:19If you want to hear the punchline to that joke,
17:21text MORON to the number on your screen now.
17:24What poll do you think mobile phones, the Olympics and dogs might have appeared on?
17:27I know. David Beckham.
17:29He did a telephone advert.
17:31Yeah.
17:32Football is going to be in the Olympics,
17:34and Beckham rides a dog when he comes on the pitch.
17:42It was so good, but he sort of fell down on that third one, I felt.
17:46OK, let's have a look at the next person.
17:48Mino! A snake!
17:50A snake? Where?
17:51In the garden.
17:52You didn't touch it, did you?
17:53No, I didn't.
17:54Oh, good. Where is it now?
17:55I don't know. I left Doodles with it.
17:58Doodles?
17:59He's probably eating Doodles.
18:06That was the Tweenies.
18:07The Tweenies are pretty terrifying.
18:09They look sort of like a normal family that live under a mobile phone mast.
18:16Children like dogs, the Tweenies, the Olympics and mobile phones.
18:19Let's have a look at the next thing on the list.
18:21To be attractive, you just have to know that you are,
18:24and just be happy with yourself, no matter what you look like,
18:27and then you'll be attractive, because everybody's beautiful.
18:35Paris Hilton there.
18:36What poll do you think they all might have appeared on?
18:38Things they've got other names for.
18:40Like, she's got a Paris Hilton.
18:42Her real name's Reading Travel Lodge.
18:44Olympics. A lot of people just go, Olympics.
18:47Can I have a point?
18:49I think Paris Hilton is the big clue here.
18:51So, she had sex on the internet,
18:53and the Tweenies have had sex on the internet.
18:58Is it things people have been searching for on the internet?
19:01Yeah. Thank you, Mark.
19:02That's the correct answer.
19:05They all appear on a poll of the most searched words on the internet.
19:10They all appear on a poll of the most searched words on the internet.
19:14So, at the end of that round, it is eight points for Dave's team,
19:17and two points to Sean's team.
19:18Don't worry, Dave.
19:20And the winner is, is the name of our final round.
19:23I'm going to give the teams a series of opinion polls and surveys.
19:25It's up to them to buzz in and tell me who or what they think came top.
19:28Here is your first one.
19:29The greatest food innovation of the 20th century.
19:32The spark.
19:34You know that plastic they've made?
19:36You know that plastic they've made?
19:37A spoon and a fork as one thing.
19:39That's clever. That's smart.
19:42I think probably the greatest leap forward is the Mueller fruit corner.
19:45That's a fantastic thing.
19:47Because you can have your yoghurt first, then your fruit,
19:50or you can have your fruit, then your yoghurt,
19:52or you can just eat the fruit, not bother with the yoghurt.
19:54He's got a point.
19:55Or you can eat the yoghurt and just chuck the fruit on a cat or something.
20:00It's just so many options.
20:02Did you write the serving suggestion on the front?
20:05Or a Scotch egg. That's a fantastic invention.
20:07What about the gala pie? It's a similar thing, but square.
20:14Vegetarians can have a Scotch egg, can't they?
20:16Because they can throw the meat away and they can eat the egg.
20:18Yeah, and the same with the gala pie.
20:22I'd like it to be the pot noodle.
20:24I like pot noodles because you just pop the kettle on,
20:26taste it for five days afterwards.
20:28Love it.
20:30Do you genuinely eat pot noodle?
20:32Yeah, I watch Diagnosis Med in the afternoon
20:34and eat chicken and mushroom pot noodles.
20:38Have you ever thought about maybe having an affair?
20:42Powdered egg.
20:44Powdered egg?
20:46Don't laugh and don't mock it.
20:48Don't you ever mock powdered egg.
20:52I mock powdered egg because it's a very sad story.
20:54My grandfather, right, he had powdered egg during the war.
20:57He thought it was drugs. He snorted it, right,
20:59and he choked on his own omelette.
21:03APPLAUSE
21:09It's a way of preserving food.
21:11Freezing.
21:13Correct. The greatest food innovation of the 20th century is frozen food.
21:16Yeah!
21:19Rudest people in Europe.
21:21BUZZER
21:23American tourists?
21:25LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
21:28I think the British, we're the rudest people in Europe,
21:31cos we travel round, we don't learn the language,
21:33we don't bother to learn anyone's language,
21:35we just put an O on everything.
21:37Go, I'll have three O, beer O.
21:41Sorry, I don't speak Spanish, what was that?
21:45The Brits are actually number three on the list of the rudest people in Europe.
21:48Is it Vikings?
21:50Is it Vikings?
21:52They never knock, do they?
21:54Yeah, that's the worst thing about Vikings, they never knock.
21:58Is it Scottish people when they're trying to be friendly?
22:02Have a drink, Jimmy, you prick.
22:06I have a suspicion it might be either the Visigoths...
22:12..the Bohemians or the Vandals.
22:14I'm going to go for the Vandals.
22:16They're from that area in Europe, yeah.
22:18Germans. Correct.
22:21Yes, the rudest people in Europe are the Germans.
22:24Their butlins is apparently shit, my grandad was telling me about it,
22:27he went there in the wharf.
22:31Well, that sound tells me that it's the end of the round and the end of the show,
22:34which means the final scores are, Sean's team have five points,
22:37but Dave is the winner with eight points.
22:41Thanks to all our panellists, our wonderful studio audience,
22:44and to you for watching at home. That's it from us, goodnight.
22:48Catch a special bonus eight out of ten cats on Wednesday at 10.55.
22:53While he's always up for a special cuddle,
22:55sexy beast Bear has an almighty scrap with Patty Kenslet at 10.35 here on Four,
23:00after Derek heads for the Friday night spotlight, he's leaving the house next.