First broadcast 5th August 2005.
Jimmy Carr
Sean Lock
Dave Spikey
John Pohlhammer
Vic Reeves
Alan Carr
Frankie Boyle
Kate Garraway
Jimmy Carr
Sean Lock
Dave Spikey
John Pohlhammer
Vic Reeves
Alan Carr
Frankie Boyle
Kate Garraway
Category
📺
TVTranscript
00:00-♪♪
00:10-♪♪
00:20Tonight on 8 Out Of 10 Cats,
00:22staying up late, it's a fairway.
00:26Live from Glasgee, Frankie Boyle.
00:29And their captain, Dave Spikey.
00:33And facing them tonight, he's a celebrity, Rick Reed.
00:38The lovable Alan Carr.
00:41And their captain, Sean Locke.
00:45Now, make some noise for your host, Jimmy Carr.
00:50CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
00:55Welcome to 8 Out Of 10 Cats,
00:57where we talk about opinion polls, surveys and statistics.
01:00This is interesting. The Bible is the world's most shoplifted book.
01:03To be fair, how are you meant to know you shouldn't steal it
01:05before you've read it?
01:0814% of bosses think it's acceptable for potential employees
01:11to lie on their CVs.
01:13If Channel 4 bosses are watching this,
01:15I haven't got a GCSE in French. Suckers.
01:20And the average marriage lasts 11 years.
01:23I imagine there are a few people at home right now thinking,
01:26Let's get started.
01:34What are you talking about? That's the name of our first round.
01:37We've teamed up with a leading polling organisation
01:39and they've asked the British nation what stories they've been discussing this week.
01:42It's our panellists' job to guess the British public's top five
01:45most popular talking points.
01:47I'll give you the number one story, it's the London bombing arrests.
01:50But what else have people been talking about?
01:52Sean, your team to go first.
01:54Let's start with the opening of the Easy hotel.
01:57The EasyJet guy, he's gone into hotels now.
02:00Who's he, Stelios? Stelios.
02:02And he's opening an EasyJet hotel.
02:04It's only 20 quid a night to stay in London,
02:06but the rooms are bright orange.
02:09I don't... In fact, they are oranges.
02:12You have to burrow into them.
02:15No, actually, they're not. Aren't they?
02:17Well, I'm not staying then.
02:20He's gone into hotels and he's spreading his empire.
02:23Easy brands for loads of different things.
02:25Now, I'm looking forward to the Easy Zoo.
02:29I think you've had a very sort of low-rent...
02:31Well, everything's orange.
02:33There's about 200 foxes and a pigeon that lives off Wotsits.
02:39I can tell you that the opening of the Easy hotel is not in the top five.
02:43You eat.
02:44Dave, your team, what have the nation been talking about this week?
02:47I think they've been talking about the space shuttle with bits falling off it.
02:51It's 25 years old. What are they doing sending that up there?
02:54I've got a 15-year-old caravanette. I wouldn't have got Grangeover Sands in it.
02:59It must have been quite worrying when George Bush comes up on the screen to talk to them.
03:03It's your re-entry, guys. Could you possibly aim the craft at Iran?
03:09The thing is, have you seen the crew? Eileen, she's called.
03:12She's the commander. She's Eileen Collins.
03:14She's a mobile hairdresser as well, obviously.
03:17Have you seen her hair, that Eileen? It's just, like, done.
03:19She's thought, well, I'd better put that helmet on, so she's done her hair like that.
03:23Do you think she decided to be an astronaut when she was at the hairdressers in one of those things?
03:28This is the look for me.
03:31I've seen they've repaired the shuttle now, but, like, if you were on a plane
03:36and you just watched the pilot shin his way out along the wing with a hacksaw
03:41and then he'd come in and go, oh, it's fine now, you'd be shitting yourself.
03:47Well, let's have a look and see if it's in the top five talking points this week.
03:51Yes, it is.
03:54Yes, this is the story of the repairs being carried out on the space shuttle this week.
03:58Discovery will soon be returning to home base.
04:01Or, if they're closed, they'll be nipping into B&Q.
04:06If all the people in China stood on each other's shoulders, they could reach the moon,
04:09which is not only an interesting fact, it's also the latest rescue plan.
04:14Sean, Vic and Alan, what else have the nation been talking about?
04:18Is it Big Brother with Kinga coming down on a bottle?
04:24She did come down... I felt sorry for the bottle, I really did.
04:28She'll not get much back on that at Thresh's, will she?
04:34She should have done us all a favour and stuck Eugene up, shouldn't she?
04:39Let me go.
04:41What are you doing?
04:45Is there any chance that she was just part of a recycling project?
04:50She's got, like, a paper compactor as well.
04:53To be fair to her, Frankie, she was drunk.
04:55She'd had the best part of a bottle of wine inside her.
05:00Honestly, the freaks in there, it's like being locked in a night bus.
05:03I saw it.
05:05I mean, it was an extraordinary incident, though, wasn't it?
05:08They were always trying to outdo each other,
05:10and I just imagine when she stuck the bottle up,
05:12McCosey coming out with the fire hydrant going,
05:14Let the games begin.
05:20Well, let's have a look and see if Kinga's behaviour on Big Brother
05:23was one of the top five most talked about things.
05:28Yes, it was. Everyone's been talking about Big Brother this week,
05:31specifically Kinga pleasuring herself with a wine bottle.
05:34It was a Merlot. Antony had a Semillon.
05:41I think it was just a misunderstanding.
05:43The bottle did say, Screw Top.
05:47Over to you, Dave, to raise the tone.
05:49What else have the nation been talking about?
05:51What do you think, team?
05:52Oh, thongs, I think.
05:53But then maybe you haven't, because you're a boy.
05:55Or the demise of the thong.
05:56The demise of the thong, yeah.
05:57Apparently we're not buying them anymore as girls.
05:59If you're a girl with a big bottom,
06:01it makes your bottom look smaller.
06:03It doesn't make your bottom look smaller,
06:05it makes your bottom look naked with a raw puppet.
06:09I can tell you, thongs were not in the top five.
06:11It was the story that sales of the thongs have fallen
06:14and they've gone out of fashion.
06:15For all the good they do you,
06:16you may as well stick them up your arse.
06:19Fingers on buzzers.
06:20Most talked about things this week.
06:23Is it the Irish woman who's won 79 million on the lottery?
06:28Dolores, I mean.
06:29Now the world's kidnappers are having their own lottery
06:32to decide who gets to take her hostage first.
06:36If I was a kidnapper,
06:37I would actually be cutting out the letters from the ransom note
06:40from that story as I was reading it.
06:43Or we could use the L from lottery and kill.
06:45There we go.
06:48That's a cheery take on the story.
06:50And she's got the good fortune to live in Ireland
06:52where there's a lot of out-of-work terrorists
06:54looking for a pension plan.
06:59Apparently they said to her, they said,
07:00well, you know, we can't pay you all at once.
07:02You can have some now and then some in six months
07:04and then some in a year.
07:05And she went, if you're going to piss about,
07:06give me my pound back.
07:11Let's have a look and see if the Irish lottery win
07:13is in our top five most talked about stories.
07:16Yes, it is.
07:20Fingers on buzzers.
07:21What else is in the top five?
07:25A nice galleon.
07:29LAUGHTER
07:32Is there any more to that story?
07:33Nope, that's it.
07:36I'll have a check for you, V.
07:37Is this the story about the really nice galleon?
07:39Yeah, sorry.
07:41No, the nice galleon didn't make it,
07:43but, you know, thanks for playing along.
07:46Pleasure.
07:49Come on, one more thing to get.
07:50Fingers on buzzers.
07:52Is it Tony Blair saying he's going to leave politics?
07:55He asked him why he was giving up.
07:56He said, because the country is on its arse.
08:00He's just bought a ghost train at a fun fair in Bridlington
08:03and he's going to run that instead.
08:07Tired.
08:09Let's have a look and see if those rumours
08:11about Tony Blair quitting are in the top five.
08:17Yes, there are rumours this week that Tony Blair
08:19is to stand down at the next election.
08:21He is set to make a fortune on the lecture circuit.
08:24Fair enough, he's got mouths to feed,
08:25one of which is enormous.
08:30Well, I can tell you at the end of that round
08:31that Sean, Vic and Alan have two points
08:33and Dave, Frankie and Kate have two points.
08:39The next round is called the poll with a hole.
08:41We've looked through hundreds of surveys, past and present,
08:43from around the world and unearthed some fascinating facts.
08:45Unfortunately, each statistic is missing
08:47one salient piece of information,
08:49so it's up to our panellists to fill in the gaps.
08:51Dave's team, you're first.
08:5362% of pupils believe that teachers what?
08:56Shouldn't really be in the showers with them.
09:01Is it that teachers is their preferred brand of whisky?
09:07He's from Glasgow.
09:10Is it 62% of pupils believe that teachers
09:12are really good at teaching the maths
09:14and 80% think they're not great?
09:24Is it 62% of pupils believe that teachers are mad as a buzz?
09:27Because I think we all had a mad teacher.
09:29We had an absolutely mental mad teacher.
09:32I can't obviously tell you his name,
09:34but he was married to a woman called Mrs Forsyth.
09:38He was mad, because he used to, in the lesson,
09:40if you weren't paying attention, he'd say,
09:41right, I'm going to go and stand outside
09:43and I'm not coming back in until you behave.
09:47And we used to just go mad,
09:49and he'd keep opening the door now and again going,
09:51I'm here!
09:54We used to have a teacher,
09:55he'd literally come in with a chainsaw
09:57and he'd take the head of the person.
10:03I'll give you a clue to this.
10:05It's how the teachers feel about their pupils.
10:07They like to think they like them, don't they?
10:09That is the right answer.
10:13Yeah, 62% of pupils believe that teachers like them.
10:16That or they can't spell lick.
10:22Dave Stream, 30% of Scottish women have what?
10:27Been banned from Wetherspoons?
10:33Have appeared as extras in Bad Girls?
10:38I've breastfed him public, only I went to school.
10:43They come from Scotland, his mum was Scottish,
10:45obviously, more Agatha's than that, I don't know.
10:47She was still breastfeeding him at school
10:49when he was five at primary school.
10:50She used to come and do it through the railings.
10:52It's really funny.
10:54But the sad thing was, it was a real gossip,
10:56so if she saw somebody she knew at the other end
10:58at the playground, she'd be off and he'd be like, ah!
11:05Did you grow up in a car, too?
11:10You were closest with the Wetherspoons guest.
11:12It's a type of crime.
11:14Drunk and disorderly?
11:15No.
11:16Shot-lifted alcohol?
11:17Correct.
11:18Really?
11:19Yes.
11:22Yes, 30% of Scottish women have stolen alcohol.
11:25Shornstein?
11:2616% of medical students have been what by nurses?
11:31Injected by their ovipositors.
11:35Yes, that's it, moving on.
11:38By the what? What was that?
11:39Ovipositors.
11:40Oh, right.
11:41You know, the stem that injects the eggs into the host.
11:45Yeah.
11:47Do you get the feel of doing that to lots of it?
11:49Yeah.
11:53Yeah, mate.
11:55Yeah, the galleon, yeah, brilliant.
12:00It's something that you would normally associate
12:02with happening at school.
12:03Teased.
12:04Bullet.
12:05Correct.
12:10Dave's team, your next one.
12:12The average British man spends £13 a year on what?
12:16His wife.
12:19Go on, you have that yourself, go on, you can spend that.
12:22No-one will want anything back, off you go.
12:25Is it throwing coins at referees?
12:29You have a go, Vic, have a go.
12:31Oh, er, pushbike.
12:34That's a brilliant answer, well done.
12:36Thank you.
12:38Have another go.
12:40Wallnuts, I suppose.
12:43Very good answer as well.
12:44Yeah, thanks.
12:45Oh, is that right, is it walnuts and pushbike?
12:49Your whole body posture there suggests...
12:52I've got the right answer, you can trust me.
12:55No, I'm serious on this one, yeah.
12:56No, I think we have.
12:57Is it pushbikes?
12:58I can't take all the credit for this, it was Sean.
13:02I'm kind of his manager, really.
13:04I mean, er, manager, carer.
13:10No, no, there's...
13:11Right, listen, there are...
13:12How many months in a year?
13:14Thirteen.
13:15How much for your...
13:17How much for your lodgings?
13:18A month.
13:19A pound?
13:20Thirteen pounds.
13:24Rent is the answer.
13:25It's just the smug look after the wrong answer.
13:30I think coconuts.
13:32Because I probably buy five or six coconuts a year.
13:36You get them cheap.
13:37Yeah.
13:38Where do you get them?
13:41You know, the, er, coconut shop.
13:43Oh, yeah.
13:44By the station, yeah.
13:45Kate Garraway, do you have one final guess from Kate Garraway?
13:47Socks or underwear?
13:49That's the correct answer.
13:50Really?
13:55Yes, the average British man spends 13 pounds a year on underwear.
13:58I was in Marks and Spencer's the other day, I splashed out some lacy knickers.
14:01Had to pay for them.
14:03So, at the end of that round, I can tell you that Alan, Vic and Sean have two points,
14:06Kate, Frankie and Dave have seven points.
14:11Join me after the break when we'll be finding out what the best thing about Britain is.
14:24Welcome back to Eight Out Of Ten Cats.
14:26Time for What's The Poll?
14:27I'm going to show you five people who've got the right answer.
14:30Time for What's The Poll?
14:31I'm going to show you five people who were all popular answers on the same poll.
14:34All our panellists have to do is tell me, what's the poll?
14:37Here is your first one.
14:39And the relationship between Mary and this dog is sensational to watch.
14:44Oh, this is delightful.
14:47And it's almost telepathic, she's using mostly just little signals, not commands.
14:53Oh, stunning.
14:55Wonderful, what a performance.
15:00What poll do you think dogs might have appeared on?
15:02Is this dogs with specs or just dogs in general?
15:06A friend of mine had a dog, and this is true, it's got a lisp, this dog.
15:11And when it barks, it goes like this, it goes...
15:16And then it developed a stammer, and it goes...
15:22The dogs are a man's best friend, aren't they?
15:24So I'm just wondering, is it something to do with a poll of best friends
15:26who have at one time or another shit in your kitchen?
15:31No. OK, let's look at the next person on the poll.
15:40I didn't move!
15:42I didn't move!
15:45I didn't move!
15:52Athlete John Drummond there, getting upset to illustrate the Olympics.
15:55What poll do you think might have featured the Olympics and dogs?
15:58Is it things that postmen hate?
16:00Because postmen hate dogs, and they hate the Olympics.
16:04Why?
16:05Well, the Olympic village, they go there, and it's just, you know,
16:09Said Asuwarawara, and they've got to go and find him, haven't they?
16:16It's in a postman, Olympic village, just...
16:20Dogs are going to be allowed into the Olympics, swimming.
16:23I'd like to see a 24-hour Vic Reeves news channel.
16:28You're in luck.
16:30I actually thought I was appearing on Eat Out Of Tin Cans.
16:33Well, we would just have to eat out of tin cans and enjoy it.
16:38That's why I went on this show.
16:45Let's have a look at the next person on the list.
16:47She knows hubby has to work hard, but if only he could be in punctually sometimes.
16:53Ah, there he is now.
16:54She's heard it plenty of times before,
16:56but she actually believes that stuff about being kept at the office.
17:01No, I won't work too hard.
17:03I'll be home as soon as possible.
17:06Ah, that was the phone. I must go now.
17:09Goodbye, darling.
17:15Mobile phones there.
17:16Television companies have been accused of profiting from mobile phone voting.
17:19If you want to hear the punchline to that joke,
17:21text MORON to the number on your screen now.
17:24What poll do you think mobile phones, the Olympics and dogs might have appeared on?
17:27I know. David Beckham.
17:29He did a telephone advert.
17:31Yeah.
17:32Football is going to be in the Olympics,
17:34and Beckham rides a dog when he comes on the pitch.
17:42It was so good, but he sort of fell down on that third one, I felt.
17:46OK, let's have a look at the next person.
17:48Mino! A snake!
17:50A snake? Where?
17:51In the garden.
17:52You didn't touch it, did you?
17:53No, I didn't.
17:54Oh, good. Where is it now?
17:55I don't know. I left Doodles with it.
17:58Doodles?
17:59He's probably eating Doodles.
18:06That was the Tweenies.
18:07The Tweenies are pretty terrifying.
18:09They look sort of like a normal family that live under a mobile phone mast.
18:16Children like dogs, the Tweenies, the Olympics and mobile phones.
18:19Let's have a look at the next thing on the list.
18:21To be attractive, you just have to know that you are,
18:24and just be happy with yourself, no matter what you look like,
18:27and then you'll be attractive, because everybody's beautiful.
18:35Paris Hilton there.
18:36What poll do you think they all might have appeared on?
18:38Things they've got other names for.
18:40Like, she's got a Paris Hilton.
18:42Her real name's Reading Travel Lodge.
18:44Olympics. A lot of people just go, Olympics.
18:47Can I have a point?
18:49I think Paris Hilton is the big clue here.
18:51So, she had sex on the internet,
18:53and the Tweenies have had sex on the internet.
18:58Is it things people have been searching for on the internet?
19:01Yeah. Thank you, Mark.
19:02That's the correct answer.
19:05They all appear on a poll of the most searched words on the internet.
19:10They all appear on a poll of the most searched words on the internet.
19:14So, at the end of that round, it is eight points for Dave's team,
19:17and two points to Sean's team.
19:18Don't worry, Dave.
19:20And the winner is, is the name of our final round.
19:23I'm going to give the teams a series of opinion polls and surveys.
19:25It's up to them to buzz in and tell me who or what they think came top.
19:28Here is your first one.
19:29The greatest food innovation of the 20th century.
19:32The spark.
19:34You know that plastic they've made?
19:36You know that plastic they've made?
19:37A spoon and a fork as one thing.
19:39That's clever. That's smart.
19:42I think probably the greatest leap forward is the Mueller fruit corner.
19:45That's a fantastic thing.
19:47Because you can have your yoghurt first, then your fruit,
19:50or you can have your fruit, then your yoghurt,
19:52or you can just eat the fruit, not bother with the yoghurt.
19:54He's got a point.
19:55Or you can eat the yoghurt and just chuck the fruit on a cat or something.
20:00It's just so many options.
20:02Did you write the serving suggestion on the front?
20:05Or a Scotch egg. That's a fantastic invention.
20:07What about the gala pie? It's a similar thing, but square.
20:14Vegetarians can have a Scotch egg, can't they?
20:16Because they can throw the meat away and they can eat the egg.
20:18Yeah, and the same with the gala pie.
20:22I'd like it to be the pot noodle.
20:24I like pot noodles because you just pop the kettle on,
20:26taste it for five days afterwards.
20:28Love it.
20:30Do you genuinely eat pot noodle?
20:32Yeah, I watch Diagnosis Med in the afternoon
20:34and eat chicken and mushroom pot noodles.
20:38Have you ever thought about maybe having an affair?
20:42Powdered egg.
20:44Powdered egg?
20:46Don't laugh and don't mock it.
20:48Don't you ever mock powdered egg.
20:52I mock powdered egg because it's a very sad story.
20:54My grandfather, right, he had powdered egg during the war.
20:57He thought it was drugs. He snorted it, right,
20:59and he choked on his own omelette.
21:03APPLAUSE
21:09It's a way of preserving food.
21:11Freezing.
21:13Correct. The greatest food innovation of the 20th century is frozen food.
21:16Yeah!
21:19Rudest people in Europe.
21:21BUZZER
21:23American tourists?
21:25LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
21:28I think the British, we're the rudest people in Europe,
21:31cos we travel round, we don't learn the language,
21:33we don't bother to learn anyone's language,
21:35we just put an O on everything.
21:37Go, I'll have three O, beer O.
21:41Sorry, I don't speak Spanish, what was that?
21:45The Brits are actually number three on the list of the rudest people in Europe.
21:48Is it Vikings?
21:50Is it Vikings?
21:52They never knock, do they?
21:54Yeah, that's the worst thing about Vikings, they never knock.
21:58Is it Scottish people when they're trying to be friendly?
22:02Have a drink, Jimmy, you prick.
22:06I have a suspicion it might be either the Visigoths...
22:12..the Bohemians or the Vandals.
22:14I'm going to go for the Vandals.
22:16They're from that area in Europe, yeah.
22:18Germans. Correct.
22:21Yes, the rudest people in Europe are the Germans.
22:24Their butlins is apparently shit, my grandad was telling me about it,
22:27he went there in the wharf.
22:31Well, that sound tells me that it's the end of the round and the end of the show,
22:34which means the final scores are, Sean's team have five points,
22:37but Dave is the winner with eight points.
22:41Thanks to all our panellists, our wonderful studio audience,
22:44and to you for watching at home. That's it from us, goodnight.
22:48Catch a special bonus eight out of ten cats on Wednesday at 10.55.
22:53While he's always up for a special cuddle,
22:55sexy beast Bear has an almighty scrap with Patty Kenslet at 10.35 here on Four,
23:00after Derek heads for the Friday night spotlight, he's leaving the house next.