First broadcast 12th June 2008.
Jimmy Carr
Sean Lock
Jason Manford
John Pohlhammer
David Walliams
Vic Reeves
Raef Bjayou
Jodie Kidd
Jimmy Carr
Sean Lock
Jason Manford
John Pohlhammer
David Walliams
Vic Reeves
Raef Bjayou
Jodie Kidd
Category
📺
TVTranscript
00:00-♪ ♪
00:10-♪♪
00:19Tonight, on 8 Out Of 10 Cats,
00:22super comic David Walliams,
00:26super model Jodie Kigg,
00:29and their team captain, Jason Manford.
00:33And facing them tonight,
00:35he's a brainiac, Vic Reeves.
00:39We've hired him.
00:41It's Ray.
00:42And their team captain, John Locke.
00:46Now, welcome your host, Jimmy Carr.
00:52-♪♪
00:56Well, hello, and welcome to 8 Out Of 10 Cats,
00:59a show about opinion polls, surveys, and statistics.
01:01Did you know, for example,
01:03the minimum pay for a prisoner in a British jail
01:05is £4 per week?
01:07They say crime doesn't pay, but it does.
01:09£4 a week.
01:12The average German wakes up at 6.23am.
01:15Well, it's difficult to sleep with all that on your conscience.
01:23And 40% of people use their mobile phone
01:25to cheat on their partner.
01:27I use Mr Tinkle.
01:29Let's get started.
01:38What are you talking about?
01:39That's the name of our first round.
01:41We've teamed up with a leading polling organisation,
01:43and they've asked the British nation
01:44what stories they've been discussing this week.
01:46It's our panellists' job to guess the British public's
01:48top five most popular talking points.
01:50Jason's team to go first.
01:52There's a new show called Big Brother.
01:54Yeah, it's really cutting edge.
01:56It's about people sharing a house together,
01:58and then afterwards their lives are ruined.
02:02I like Mikey, the blind one.
02:05Only thing is, he dresses up as a woman to be funny,
02:08and I think that's a bit desperate.
02:18If you've got a disability on Big Brother,
02:20then you're a shoo-in to win, really.
02:22I mean, Pete with his Tourette's,
02:23Nadia had a penis.
02:24Not strictly a disability,
02:27but it is if you want to be a woman, right?
02:29So I think, I know it's early days,
02:31but I think if Mikey doesn't win,
02:34I will show my arse in Primark window.
02:38One interesting character is the albino guy, Darnell.
02:41Apparently, he got involved in gangs and crime in America,
02:44and I was thinking, if you're an albino,
02:46the last thing you should do is get involved in crime,
02:50because you're always going to get caught, aren't you?
02:53Even if you had a balaclava on with a tiny little eye hole,
02:57you'd go, that bloke with the pink eye, the albino.
03:01And I was thinking, what if he was in a gang of albinos?
03:04There was this whole albino gang that used to come,
03:08sort of drifting like a cloud down the street.
03:11When I first turned on Big Brother this year,
03:12I did think the house was haunted.
03:16I like Don.
03:18Don? Which one's that, Vic?
03:20I don't know, I haven't seen it, but I just want to join in.
03:24The other thing was they got very upset
03:26about when the blind guy picked up the knickers, didn't they?
03:30He picked up some girl's knickers and she said it lacked respect.
03:33Did she have one at the time? Well, no, the thing...
03:35It would lack respect if they were in a knicker drawer,
03:38she was wearing them, they were on a laundry line,
03:40but she'd thrown them on the floor.
03:42If you've thrown them on the floor,
03:44technically they're flotsam, anyone can take them.
03:46Actually, I think legally they're property of the British Navy.
03:51Mikey, he's got a sideline, apparently, of selling Nazi memorabilia.
03:56What?!
03:58Sorry, we digressed.
04:00The whole show is digressing.
04:02I'm not just trying to nail the answers and move on.
04:05It's not a task.
04:08APPLAUSE
04:13Right, well, let's have a look and see
04:15whether Big Brother is one of the most talked-about things of the week.
04:22Yes, Big Brother is back.
04:24Bullying Alex is now officially the most hated housemate in history.
04:28On hearing the news, Nasty Nick went out
04:30and drop-kicked a kitten into an orphan's face.
04:34Sean, Vic, Rafe, what else have the nation been talking about this week?
04:38I guess on the topic of reality television,
04:40Lee, that's what I'm talking about, McQueen winning The Apprentice.
04:44He's never said, that's what I'm talking about.
04:46He says, that's what I'm talking about!
04:53Did you watch any of The Apprentice?
04:55Yeah.
04:57I never had my finger away from the button where it was on.
05:02I like Don.
05:10The thing I like best about Simon Sugar is he's mental, clearly he's mental.
05:13Because he brings them together, he goes,
05:15right, you're probably wondering why we're at the Tate Modern.
05:17That's right, we're making fudge.
05:23Yeah.
05:24You're probably wondering why we're at Duxford Air Museum.
05:26That's right, children's coffins.
05:29It's all part of his policy to try and intimidate.
05:31Yeah, and why did you have to do everything on a weird fax phone?
05:35You had to make all the phone calls in the series like that.
05:38Using a normal telephone with the loudspeaker function switched on.
05:48It's terrible, it's terrible when twins fall out.
05:51It's terrible.
05:58Did you not get a little bit unnerved by Nick and Margaret
06:01always, like, hiding behind plant pots?
06:05And even when it was something they didn't even care about,
06:07like, you could be washing cars and they'd be going...
06:12What were you doing before you were on The Apprentice?
06:14I thought he was the ents officer in Eight and a Half Hotlam.
06:18It might just be me, you know, sometimes grammatical things annoy you.
06:21His catchphrase is, you're fired, yet you haven't got the job yet.
06:25So really, it shouldn't be, you're fired,
06:27cos it's about trying to get the job.
06:29It should be, you're not on The Apprentice show anymore.
06:33That's what it should be.
06:35You're right, of course.
06:36It's a bit like... Thank you.
06:38It's a bit like, you remember Bruce Forsyth's catchphrase was,
06:40nice to see you, to see you nice.
06:43Doesn't make any sense.
06:45It shouldn't be, it's nice to see you.
06:47No, really, it's nice to see you.
06:50That's why he's never going to get fucking anywhere, shall we?
06:55Let's have a look and see whether The Apprentice
06:57is one of the most talked about things this week.
07:00Yes, it is, the fifth most talked about thing this week.
07:03Yes, The Apprentice ended this week.
07:05Tragically, due to a mix-up at the BBC,
07:07the winner of The Apprentice is going to be playing Nancy
07:10in a West End production of Oliver.
07:13Jason, Jodie, David, what else have the nation been talking about this week?
07:15Hillary Clinton, would you think?
07:17Hillary Clinton.
07:18Would you have liked to have seen her win?
07:20No, I like Obama, actually.
07:22I think he's cool.
07:23Fancy that black, you don't go back, do you?
07:30You said I shouldn't have said that.
07:33I think it should be his new slogan.
07:35That would be the second term.
07:38His slogan at the moment is, yes we can,
07:41which, if I recall, is also Bob the Builder's.
07:45There was something bizarre which made me laugh.
07:47In the Washington Post, it said something along the lines of,
07:49Hillary Clinton gives Obama...
07:51In the Washington Post?
07:52Have you read the Washington Post?
07:54I better just check it.
07:55It's like New York every morning.
07:58I think you might have got the fucking job
07:59if you haven't been reading the Washington Post
08:01and concentrated on the task.
08:03On the task, yeah, too busy.
08:04No, it said something along the lines of,
08:06Hillary Clinton gives Obama her full-throated support,
08:09and I thought, well, if she only gave that to Bill,
08:11he wouldn't have buggered off with Monica.
08:13Completely bizarre.
08:18Let's see how many people were talking about
08:20the US presidential election this week.
08:23Oh, quite a lot.
08:26Third most talked about thing.
08:28Yes, this is the story that Barack Obama
08:30has defeated Hillary Clinton
08:31and won the Democratic presidential nomination.
08:33Hillary has been an inspiration.
08:35She's shown women around the world that there are limits.
08:39LAUGHTER
08:43It was all going so well for Hillary
08:45until that kosher chicken task in Morocco.
08:49Sean, what else have the nation been talking about?
08:51Is it the oil strike?
08:53Petrol.
08:54Is oil and petrol the same thing?
08:56I don't know.
08:57Because you put petrol in one place
08:58and oil in another in a car.
08:59They're not the same thing.
09:00Oil...
09:01They say we're running out of oil.
09:02Petrol's fine, you think?
09:03Well, are they the same thing? I don't know.
09:05So you think there might be, we're running out of oil,
09:07but there's loads of petrol.
09:08No!
09:09But people say oil and they mean petrol.
09:12Calm down, sorry.
09:13If people are watching this at home,
09:14don't worry about the fuel crisis
09:15because we've got loads of petrol.
09:17Yes!
09:18Isn't it the same thing?
09:19Yes!
09:21Just to clear it up,
09:22there is a fuel tanker's strike
09:25and all the papers said don't panic,
09:28which meant everybody's panicked.
09:29Can you stockpile petrol? I don't know.
09:31Can you stockpile it?
09:32Yeah, can you stockpile it?
09:33Can you fill your car up to your chest?
09:34You actually fill the whole car up
09:36because you're driving like you're underwater.
09:41Everything's going up.
09:42Food's going up.
09:43Everything's going up, up, up.
09:45Children's shoes have increased in price
09:47and I really don't know why
09:49because I buy children's shoes all the time,
09:51but they're the same price as adult shoes.
09:53A brief history of shoes.
09:55We all know that they start off that big,
09:57then they grow to that big,
09:59and then they get that big, like for adult size,
10:02and then if you leave them in a cave in Holland,
10:04we all know that they grow bigger and bigger
10:06and eventually turn out as cars,
10:09which is why the petrol is so expensive.
10:19Just to point out, Vicks recently had the bends.
10:24In a diving accident.
10:27Let's have a look and see if petrol
10:28is one of the most talked about things of the week.
10:31Yes, it is the most talked about thing
10:33this week.
10:36Yes, of course, everyone's talking about petrol prices soaring
10:39and the threat of a strike.
10:40Panic buying at garages is exacerbating the problem.
10:42The government want to reassure people
10:44supplies of gangsters and Rizzlers are unaffected.
10:50OK, fingers on buzzers.
10:51One more thing to get.
10:52What else have the nation been talking about?
10:54Colleen and Wayne Rooney have got married.
10:58Did you know that they searched all the guests
11:01for mobile phones and cameras when they came in?
11:03Nothing to do with the magazine deal,
11:05which is the Scouse way of doing things.
11:08If you're watching in Liverpool, buy a TV licence.
11:17I was there last weekend and I'm not back for another year.
11:22European city of culture.
11:23I came back, the car was up on books.
11:32I've actually never seen Wayne Rooney speak.
11:34Can he speak?
11:37Sort of.
11:38Yeah, because he's got to do the vows and everything, hasn't he?
11:40Yeah, he wrote his own vows.
11:42I'm joking.
11:45They did do their own vows.
11:46They both said what's mine is yours and what's yours is also mine.
11:51And I think Colleen must have been going...
11:54I mean, he's only going to get a couple of handbags.
11:58The wedding cost £5 million.
12:00And I was thinking, that was on a Thursday.
12:02Imagine how much it would have cost on a Saturday.
12:06On a Saturday, it would have been ten at least.
12:09Every guest has a little box with a butterfly in it,
12:12and at a crucial moment, they have to open the box
12:15and a butterfly flies out.
12:17You say, what a great job for an Italian butterfly collector.
12:21We want you to collect...
12:22I can't do accents.
12:25No, no, do it in the accent.
12:26A hundred butterflies.
12:28He goes, oh, I love a butterfly.
12:30He goes, what's he for?
12:32It's a Wayne Rooney's wedding.
12:35You get a hundred butterflies, you put them in a little...
12:38Little eating box.
12:42How the hell do you get a butterfly into a box?
12:44Just ask it in Iceland.
12:47That's why it's cost £5 million.
12:49They got the food at Iceland.
12:53Well, let's have a look and see how many people
12:54were talking about Wayne and Colleen getting married.
12:59The wedding of the year.
13:01Yes, Colleen and Wayne have finally tied the knot.
13:04Colleen is the face of ASDA.
13:06Wayne is the face of bags of spanners.
13:10On the night of the wedding, there was a £50,000 firework display.
13:13Unfortunately, Wayne missed it, as he had to be kept indoors.
13:20So at the end of that round, I can tell you it's two points for Sean's team
13:23and three points for Jason's team.
13:26Our next round is called Pick of the Poles.
13:28Our teams take it in turns to choose a picture from the board
13:31and then have to answer a related question.
13:33Sean, Vic and Rafe, your turn first.
13:35What do you fancy going for?
13:37A naked couple emerging happily from the tent.
13:42This is a word association question.
13:44I'm looking for the top word or phrase the public said
13:46when we said camping.
13:48David Walliams.
13:51The you.
13:56Are you camping?
13:57No.
13:59No, no!
14:02Woo-hoo, no!
14:08Rain, rain.
14:09Rain.
14:10Rain.
14:11I'm going to give you that, because the word most associated with camping is wet.
14:19Make sure when you go camping, you have a ground sheet and a hammer
14:22so you can dispose of the person who suggested going camping.
14:26OK, what picture do you want to go for, Jason's team?
14:28I think we're going to go with...
14:30Is it Fern Britton there?
14:32She actually got her gastric band on there.
14:36You've chosen Fern Britton. This is an audience poll question.
14:38We polled the studio audience and asked them,
14:40if you had a gastric band fitted, would you keep it a secret from your friends?
14:43Jodie.
14:45Yours has gone brilliantly, Jodie.
14:48Because you were a reet fat lass a few years ago.
14:51You've really slimmed down.
14:52I think I would, from my friends, yeah.
14:55You wouldn't tell them, you would tell them?
14:57I would.
14:58Oh, right, OK.
14:59Yeah, trustworthy ones.
15:00You know, I wouldn't sit there in the pub and blub it out, you know.
15:03I've got me gastric band in!
15:06It's like a Jubilee clip, isn't it?
15:08It's like putting a Jubilee clip round your stomach.
15:10A Jubilee clip?
15:12It's a Jubilee clip, you screw it in...
15:14He's like someone's dad.
15:17Who knows that?
15:18With the old 4x2, with the old clip, yeah, the old Jubilee, yeah.
15:21Yeah, you're right, you've got me Jubilee clip, yeah.
15:23Old Jubilee clip, what are you on about?
15:25What are you talking about?
15:27Everyone knows what a Jubilee clip is.
15:28I don't know what a Jubilee clip is.
15:29It's a Jubilee clip, shut it!
15:32Well, it's like a Jubilee clip around your stomach, but much more expensive.
15:36The same effect if you put a lot of elastic bands around your tongue.
15:39Like, your tongue sticks out and it's, like, really tight.
15:42You can't eat it.
15:44She's in a lot of trouble, isn't she?
15:45She's not in serious trouble, not with the police.
15:47She's in a lot of trouble, not with the police or anything.
15:48But why are they upset?
15:49Because, and I'll tell you Sean, this is something I don't know about petrol and oil, but I know about Firm Britain.
15:54You should be on your grave, that.
15:57I'm not suggesting you should die, but I'm saying...
16:00I will one day.
16:01That's your epitaph.
16:02I'll think about that, thank you.
16:04I love Firm Britain.
16:05I loved her big, and I love her now, OK?
16:07The only thing is, because she advertised Rivita and she did, sort of, things about slimming,
16:12but she didn't say she'd had the gastric band.
16:14Firm Britain, for me, is the person I fancy.
16:17You know that sort of person you fancy?
16:18A sexy auntie.
16:21Like that, but without the incest connotation.
16:24So she's your secret...
16:25She's sexy.
16:26I've got two of them, her and Burt Reynolds.
16:30And the two people I sort of fancy who I shouldn't, yeah.
16:33OK, so what do you think?
16:34If you had a gastric band fitted, would you keep it a secret?
16:37I think no.
16:38No, don't look, don't look at...
16:39No, I'm not looking.
16:41I'm looking at Rafe, who's like a beautiful, dusky version of you.
16:45So, we've asked the audience, if you had a gastric band fitted,
16:47would you keep it a secret from your friends, yes or no?
16:49Yes and no.
16:50Yes and no.
16:53No, you wouldn't keep it a secret.
16:54OK.
16:55I can tell you the answer is no.
16:5668% said no.
17:03Firm Britain recently had a gastric band fitted to one of her stomachs.
17:07I say gastric band, it was actually the fan belt from a Boeing 747.
17:12At the end of that round, I can tell you that Sean, Vic and Rafe have three points,
17:15Jason, David and Jodie have four points.
17:20Join me after the break when we'll be finding out if men would rather go shopping or play sport.
17:37Welcome back to 8 Out Of 10 Cats.
17:39The next round is Believe It Or Not.
17:40In this round, I give the panellists a simple statement.
17:42All they've got to do is tell me whether they think it's true or false.
17:45Let's first have a little look at a clip to illustrate the statistic.
17:53Well, here we are today, as you might expect, at the world's finest department store.
17:57You'll be seeing this look and many others later on in the show.
18:00So, until then...
18:01This is one of my autumn predictions.
18:03This is one of my autumn predictions.
18:05It's a beautiful garment which has these rather strong satin flowers.
18:08And I've teamed this outfit with sequined gloves and sequined tights.
18:15Hello.
18:16Karen.
18:17You look brilliant.
18:18Join the club.
18:19I'm wearing a cropped number this time with a fabric face, you might have noticed.
18:23Why don't you go and put something else on to wow the customers?
18:26What a good idea.
18:34What a gorgeously satisfying day this has been.
18:36And so many bargains.
18:41That was David Walliams.
18:44That was, in fact, performance artist Lee Bowery on The Clothes Show in 1988.
18:48Fashion hasn't caught up with Lee Bowery.
18:50But when it does, it's going to kick the shit out of him.
18:53Here's your related statistic.
18:5562% of men would rather go shopping than play sport.
18:58True or false?
18:59We've been shopping today.
19:00We've also wrestled together, so we like to combine the two.
19:03I wasn't really clear what the rules were there,
19:05because it ended really abruptly, and then you never called me.
19:09Is trouser theft considered a sport?
19:11No.
19:12Well, count me in just for 100% shopping.
19:16I don't mind food shopping.
19:18Big fan of that.
19:19Well, we can see, yes.
19:20Exactly, you know, I'm a big fan of that.
19:22David.
19:23What?
19:24Could you be mean?
19:25Can I say something to you?
19:27Could you be mean?
19:29Can I say something to you?
19:30Is that you do have a stray nostril hair.
19:33And it's like, do you want me to get it for you?
19:35I haven't even noticed that.
19:37Did you get a little bogey with it?
19:38There, you see that?
19:39That's a bad boy.
19:42No, because you don't want to be.
19:49So what are you going to go for?
19:50You're saying trunks?
19:51Well, hang on, whose question was it?
19:53Everybody.
19:54We're saying yes as well.
19:55Fuck you.
19:56Fuck you.
19:57We're saying yes.
20:01We're saying yes.
20:02You're saying yes?
20:03We're all saying yes, yeah.
20:04Yeah.
20:05Well, I can tell you the answer is true.
20:0762% of men would rather go shopping than play sports.
20:09No points.
20:13I have to say, I agree.
20:14If you ever hear me saying cities playing,
20:16I mean Sex and the Cities on at the Film House.
20:18We're meeting at 12 for cocktails.
20:19Be there or be square.
20:20It's going to be fabulous.
20:22So at the end of that round, I can tell you it's four points to Sean's team
20:24and five points for Jason's team.
20:29And the winner is, is the name of our final round.
20:31Here's your first one.
20:33Top reason Brits are teased at work.
20:36Is it because they say I can work with Prince or Pauper on TV?
20:41That must be right up there, because that would be pretty annoying.
20:47What do you mean by that?
20:49It was basically a dickish way of saying I get on with chalk and cheese.
20:53It's a dickish way of saying you get on with Prince and Pauper.
20:57Is it because they're still quite new, northern,
20:59and might have put on a little bit of weight since the last series?
21:04You're lovely.
21:08When does teasing stop and bullying take over?
21:11When you use a blade.
21:14If someone had a big nose and you just called them Concord, that would be teasing.
21:17But if you used it to open a yoghurt pot, like that.
21:21That would be bullying, wouldn't it?
21:26Top reason Brits are teased at work.
21:29Is it because when you weren't looking,
21:30the salesman had dipped his cock in your tea?
21:34I'll give you a clue.
21:35It's something that the winner of The Apprentice suffers from.
21:38Not being able to pronounce words?
21:39Yeah, that's exactly right. Speech impediment.
21:44Yes, the top five reasons for being bullied at work are
21:46speech impediment, accent, dress sense, baldness and ginger hair.
21:51If you're watching this, Anthony Warrell-Thompson,
21:53unlucky.
21:59Least desirable car passenger.
22:02Is it the Pope?
22:03Because whatever the weather, you've got to keep this sunroof open because of his hat.
22:08And he's in like a Perspex box as well, so you can't...
22:10Did you watch Cully last night?
22:11Oh, forget it, forget it.
22:14Right, who would you hate to be stuck in a car with?
22:16A rapist.
22:25I just imagine you going,
22:26oh, stuck in here with a rapist.
22:29I can get on with Prince, Cawthorne, all rapists.
22:33I reckon Stephen Hawking would be bad,
22:34because you wouldn't know it was him talking or the sat-nav.
22:37It's to do with someone that's annoyed a lot of people that drive cars.
22:40A bear.
22:41Alistair Darling.
22:42Correct.
22:45Yeah, the least desirable car passenger is the Chancellor, Alistair Darling.
22:48Heather Mills came second.
22:49She's a terrible backseat driver,
22:51always telling you to put her foot down.
22:57That sound tells me it's the end of the round and the end of the show,
22:59which means the final scores are
23:00Sean, Vic and Rafe have won.
23:02That sound tells me it's the end of the round and the end of the show,
23:04which means the final scores are
23:05Sean, Vic and Rafe have won.
23:07Jason, David and Jodie are the winners.
23:08They've got seven points.
23:13Thanks to all our panellists,
23:14our wonderful studio audience
23:15and to all of you for watching at home.
23:17That's it from us.
23:18Good night, see you next week.
23:32Time to leave, big brother.