• 3 months ago
First broadcast 12th June 2008.

Jimmy Carr

Sean Lock
Jason Manford
John Pohlhammer

David Walliams
Vic Reeves
Raef Bjayou
Jodie Kidd

Category

📺
TV
Transcript
00:00-♪ ♪
00:10-♪♪
00:19Tonight, on 8 Out Of 10 Cats,
00:22super comic David Walliams,
00:26super model Jodie Kigg,
00:29and their team captain, Jason Manford.
00:33And facing them tonight,
00:35he's a brainiac, Vic Reeves.
00:39We've hired him.
00:41It's Ray.
00:42And their team captain, John Locke.
00:46Now, welcome your host, Jimmy Carr.
00:52-♪♪
00:56Well, hello, and welcome to 8 Out Of 10 Cats,
00:59a show about opinion polls, surveys, and statistics.
01:01Did you know, for example,
01:03the minimum pay for a prisoner in a British jail
01:05is £4 per week?
01:07They say crime doesn't pay, but it does.
01:09£4 a week.
01:12The average German wakes up at 6.23am.
01:15Well, it's difficult to sleep with all that on your conscience.
01:23And 40% of people use their mobile phone
01:25to cheat on their partner.
01:27I use Mr Tinkle.
01:29Let's get started.
01:38What are you talking about?
01:39That's the name of our first round.
01:41We've teamed up with a leading polling organisation,
01:43and they've asked the British nation
01:44what stories they've been discussing this week.
01:46It's our panellists' job to guess the British public's
01:48top five most popular talking points.
01:50Jason's team to go first.
01:52There's a new show called Big Brother.
01:54Yeah, it's really cutting edge.
01:56It's about people sharing a house together,
01:58and then afterwards their lives are ruined.
02:02I like Mikey, the blind one.
02:05Only thing is, he dresses up as a woman to be funny,
02:08and I think that's a bit desperate.
02:18If you've got a disability on Big Brother,
02:20then you're a shoo-in to win, really.
02:22I mean, Pete with his Tourette's,
02:23Nadia had a penis.
02:24Not strictly a disability,
02:27but it is if you want to be a woman, right?
02:29So I think, I know it's early days,
02:31but I think if Mikey doesn't win,
02:34I will show my arse in Primark window.
02:38One interesting character is the albino guy, Darnell.
02:41Apparently, he got involved in gangs and crime in America,
02:44and I was thinking, if you're an albino,
02:46the last thing you should do is get involved in crime,
02:50because you're always going to get caught, aren't you?
02:53Even if you had a balaclava on with a tiny little eye hole,
02:57you'd go, that bloke with the pink eye, the albino.
03:01And I was thinking, what if he was in a gang of albinos?
03:04There was this whole albino gang that used to come,
03:08sort of drifting like a cloud down the street.
03:11When I first turned on Big Brother this year,
03:12I did think the house was haunted.
03:16I like Don.
03:18Don? Which one's that, Vic?
03:20I don't know, I haven't seen it, but I just want to join in.
03:24The other thing was they got very upset
03:26about when the blind guy picked up the knickers, didn't they?
03:30He picked up some girl's knickers and she said it lacked respect.
03:33Did she have one at the time? Well, no, the thing...
03:35It would lack respect if they were in a knicker drawer,
03:38she was wearing them, they were on a laundry line,
03:40but she'd thrown them on the floor.
03:42If you've thrown them on the floor,
03:44technically they're flotsam, anyone can take them.
03:46Actually, I think legally they're property of the British Navy.
03:51Mikey, he's got a sideline, apparently, of selling Nazi memorabilia.
03:56What?!
03:58Sorry, we digressed.
04:00The whole show is digressing.
04:02I'm not just trying to nail the answers and move on.
04:05It's not a task.
04:08APPLAUSE
04:13Right, well, let's have a look and see
04:15whether Big Brother is one of the most talked-about things of the week.
04:22Yes, Big Brother is back.
04:24Bullying Alex is now officially the most hated housemate in history.
04:28On hearing the news, Nasty Nick went out
04:30and drop-kicked a kitten into an orphan's face.
04:34Sean, Vic, Rafe, what else have the nation been talking about this week?
04:38I guess on the topic of reality television,
04:40Lee, that's what I'm talking about, McQueen winning The Apprentice.
04:44He's never said, that's what I'm talking about.
04:46He says, that's what I'm talking about!
04:53Did you watch any of The Apprentice?
04:55Yeah.
04:57I never had my finger away from the button where it was on.
05:02I like Don.
05:10The thing I like best about Simon Sugar is he's mental, clearly he's mental.
05:13Because he brings them together, he goes,
05:15right, you're probably wondering why we're at the Tate Modern.
05:17That's right, we're making fudge.
05:23Yeah.
05:24You're probably wondering why we're at Duxford Air Museum.
05:26That's right, children's coffins.
05:29It's all part of his policy to try and intimidate.
05:31Yeah, and why did you have to do everything on a weird fax phone?
05:35You had to make all the phone calls in the series like that.
05:38Using a normal telephone with the loudspeaker function switched on.
05:48It's terrible, it's terrible when twins fall out.
05:51It's terrible.
05:58Did you not get a little bit unnerved by Nick and Margaret
06:01always, like, hiding behind plant pots?
06:05And even when it was something they didn't even care about,
06:07like, you could be washing cars and they'd be going...
06:12What were you doing before you were on The Apprentice?
06:14I thought he was the ents officer in Eight and a Half Hotlam.
06:18It might just be me, you know, sometimes grammatical things annoy you.
06:21His catchphrase is, you're fired, yet you haven't got the job yet.
06:25So really, it shouldn't be, you're fired,
06:27cos it's about trying to get the job.
06:29It should be, you're not on The Apprentice show anymore.
06:33That's what it should be.
06:35You're right, of course.
06:36It's a bit like... Thank you.
06:38It's a bit like, you remember Bruce Forsyth's catchphrase was,
06:40nice to see you, to see you nice.
06:43Doesn't make any sense.
06:45It shouldn't be, it's nice to see you.
06:47No, really, it's nice to see you.
06:50That's why he's never going to get fucking anywhere, shall we?
06:55Let's have a look and see whether The Apprentice
06:57is one of the most talked about things this week.
07:00Yes, it is, the fifth most talked about thing this week.
07:03Yes, The Apprentice ended this week.
07:05Tragically, due to a mix-up at the BBC,
07:07the winner of The Apprentice is going to be playing Nancy
07:10in a West End production of Oliver.
07:13Jason, Jodie, David, what else have the nation been talking about this week?
07:15Hillary Clinton, would you think?
07:17Hillary Clinton.
07:18Would you have liked to have seen her win?
07:20No, I like Obama, actually.
07:22I think he's cool.
07:23Fancy that black, you don't go back, do you?
07:30You said I shouldn't have said that.
07:33I think it should be his new slogan.
07:35That would be the second term.
07:38His slogan at the moment is, yes we can,
07:41which, if I recall, is also Bob the Builder's.
07:45There was something bizarre which made me laugh.
07:47In the Washington Post, it said something along the lines of,
07:49Hillary Clinton gives Obama...
07:51In the Washington Post?
07:52Have you read the Washington Post?
07:54I better just check it.
07:55It's like New York every morning.
07:58I think you might have got the fucking job
07:59if you haven't been reading the Washington Post
08:01and concentrated on the task.
08:03On the task, yeah, too busy.
08:04No, it said something along the lines of,
08:06Hillary Clinton gives Obama her full-throated support,
08:09and I thought, well, if she only gave that to Bill,
08:11he wouldn't have buggered off with Monica.
08:13Completely bizarre.
08:18Let's see how many people were talking about
08:20the US presidential election this week.
08:23Oh, quite a lot.
08:26Third most talked about thing.
08:28Yes, this is the story that Barack Obama
08:30has defeated Hillary Clinton
08:31and won the Democratic presidential nomination.
08:33Hillary has been an inspiration.
08:35She's shown women around the world that there are limits.
08:39LAUGHTER
08:43It was all going so well for Hillary
08:45until that kosher chicken task in Morocco.
08:49Sean, what else have the nation been talking about?
08:51Is it the oil strike?
08:53Petrol.
08:54Is oil and petrol the same thing?
08:56I don't know.
08:57Because you put petrol in one place
08:58and oil in another in a car.
08:59They're not the same thing.
09:00Oil...
09:01They say we're running out of oil.
09:02Petrol's fine, you think?
09:03Well, are they the same thing? I don't know.
09:05So you think there might be, we're running out of oil,
09:07but there's loads of petrol.
09:08No!
09:09But people say oil and they mean petrol.
09:12Calm down, sorry.
09:13If people are watching this at home,
09:14don't worry about the fuel crisis
09:15because we've got loads of petrol.
09:17Yes!
09:18Isn't it the same thing?
09:19Yes!
09:21Just to clear it up,
09:22there is a fuel tanker's strike
09:25and all the papers said don't panic,
09:28which meant everybody's panicked.
09:29Can you stockpile petrol? I don't know.
09:31Can you stockpile it?
09:32Yeah, can you stockpile it?
09:33Can you fill your car up to your chest?
09:34You actually fill the whole car up
09:36because you're driving like you're underwater.
09:41Everything's going up.
09:42Food's going up.
09:43Everything's going up, up, up.
09:45Children's shoes have increased in price
09:47and I really don't know why
09:49because I buy children's shoes all the time,
09:51but they're the same price as adult shoes.
09:53A brief history of shoes.
09:55We all know that they start off that big,
09:57then they grow to that big,
09:59and then they get that big, like for adult size,
10:02and then if you leave them in a cave in Holland,
10:04we all know that they grow bigger and bigger
10:06and eventually turn out as cars,
10:09which is why the petrol is so expensive.
10:19Just to point out, Vicks recently had the bends.
10:24In a diving accident.
10:27Let's have a look and see if petrol
10:28is one of the most talked about things of the week.
10:31Yes, it is the most talked about thing
10:33this week.
10:36Yes, of course, everyone's talking about petrol prices soaring
10:39and the threat of a strike.
10:40Panic buying at garages is exacerbating the problem.
10:42The government want to reassure people
10:44supplies of gangsters and Rizzlers are unaffected.
10:50OK, fingers on buzzers.
10:51One more thing to get.
10:52What else have the nation been talking about?
10:54Colleen and Wayne Rooney have got married.
10:58Did you know that they searched all the guests
11:01for mobile phones and cameras when they came in?
11:03Nothing to do with the magazine deal,
11:05which is the Scouse way of doing things.
11:08If you're watching in Liverpool, buy a TV licence.
11:17I was there last weekend and I'm not back for another year.
11:22European city of culture.
11:23I came back, the car was up on books.
11:32I've actually never seen Wayne Rooney speak.
11:34Can he speak?
11:37Sort of.
11:38Yeah, because he's got to do the vows and everything, hasn't he?
11:40Yeah, he wrote his own vows.
11:42I'm joking.
11:45They did do their own vows.
11:46They both said what's mine is yours and what's yours is also mine.
11:51And I think Colleen must have been going...
11:54I mean, he's only going to get a couple of handbags.
11:58The wedding cost £5 million.
12:00And I was thinking, that was on a Thursday.
12:02Imagine how much it would have cost on a Saturday.
12:06On a Saturday, it would have been ten at least.
12:09Every guest has a little box with a butterfly in it,
12:12and at a crucial moment, they have to open the box
12:15and a butterfly flies out.
12:17You say, what a great job for an Italian butterfly collector.
12:21We want you to collect...
12:22I can't do accents.
12:25No, no, do it in the accent.
12:26A hundred butterflies.
12:28He goes, oh, I love a butterfly.
12:30He goes, what's he for?
12:32It's a Wayne Rooney's wedding.
12:35You get a hundred butterflies, you put them in a little...
12:38Little eating box.
12:42How the hell do you get a butterfly into a box?
12:44Just ask it in Iceland.
12:47That's why it's cost £5 million.
12:49They got the food at Iceland.
12:53Well, let's have a look and see how many people
12:54were talking about Wayne and Colleen getting married.
12:59The wedding of the year.
13:01Yes, Colleen and Wayne have finally tied the knot.
13:04Colleen is the face of ASDA.
13:06Wayne is the face of bags of spanners.
13:10On the night of the wedding, there was a £50,000 firework display.
13:13Unfortunately, Wayne missed it, as he had to be kept indoors.
13:20So at the end of that round, I can tell you it's two points for Sean's team
13:23and three points for Jason's team.
13:26Our next round is called Pick of the Poles.
13:28Our teams take it in turns to choose a picture from the board
13:31and then have to answer a related question.
13:33Sean, Vic and Rafe, your turn first.
13:35What do you fancy going for?
13:37A naked couple emerging happily from the tent.
13:42This is a word association question.
13:44I'm looking for the top word or phrase the public said
13:46when we said camping.
13:48David Walliams.
13:51The you.
13:56Are you camping?
13:57No.
13:59No, no!
14:02Woo-hoo, no!
14:08Rain, rain.
14:09Rain.
14:10Rain.
14:11I'm going to give you that, because the word most associated with camping is wet.
14:19Make sure when you go camping, you have a ground sheet and a hammer
14:22so you can dispose of the person who suggested going camping.
14:26OK, what picture do you want to go for, Jason's team?
14:28I think we're going to go with...
14:30Is it Fern Britton there?
14:32She actually got her gastric band on there.
14:36You've chosen Fern Britton. This is an audience poll question.
14:38We polled the studio audience and asked them,
14:40if you had a gastric band fitted, would you keep it a secret from your friends?
14:43Jodie.
14:45Yours has gone brilliantly, Jodie.
14:48Because you were a reet fat lass a few years ago.
14:51You've really slimmed down.
14:52I think I would, from my friends, yeah.
14:55You wouldn't tell them, you would tell them?
14:57I would.
14:58Oh, right, OK.
14:59Yeah, trustworthy ones.
15:00You know, I wouldn't sit there in the pub and blub it out, you know.
15:03I've got me gastric band in!
15:06It's like a Jubilee clip, isn't it?
15:08It's like putting a Jubilee clip round your stomach.
15:10A Jubilee clip?
15:12It's a Jubilee clip, you screw it in...
15:14He's like someone's dad.
15:17Who knows that?
15:18With the old 4x2, with the old clip, yeah, the old Jubilee, yeah.
15:21Yeah, you're right, you've got me Jubilee clip, yeah.
15:23Old Jubilee clip, what are you on about?
15:25What are you talking about?
15:27Everyone knows what a Jubilee clip is.
15:28I don't know what a Jubilee clip is.
15:29It's a Jubilee clip, shut it!
15:32Well, it's like a Jubilee clip around your stomach, but much more expensive.
15:36The same effect if you put a lot of elastic bands around your tongue.
15:39Like, your tongue sticks out and it's, like, really tight.
15:42You can't eat it.
15:44She's in a lot of trouble, isn't she?
15:45She's not in serious trouble, not with the police.
15:47She's in a lot of trouble, not with the police or anything.
15:48But why are they upset?
15:49Because, and I'll tell you Sean, this is something I don't know about petrol and oil, but I know about Firm Britain.
15:54You should be on your grave, that.
15:57I'm not suggesting you should die, but I'm saying...
16:00I will one day.
16:01That's your epitaph.
16:02I'll think about that, thank you.
16:04I love Firm Britain.
16:05I loved her big, and I love her now, OK?
16:07The only thing is, because she advertised Rivita and she did, sort of, things about slimming,
16:12but she didn't say she'd had the gastric band.
16:14Firm Britain, for me, is the person I fancy.
16:17You know that sort of person you fancy?
16:18A sexy auntie.
16:21Like that, but without the incest connotation.
16:24So she's your secret...
16:25She's sexy.
16:26I've got two of them, her and Burt Reynolds.
16:30And the two people I sort of fancy who I shouldn't, yeah.
16:33OK, so what do you think?
16:34If you had a gastric band fitted, would you keep it a secret?
16:37I think no.
16:38No, don't look, don't look at...
16:39No, I'm not looking.
16:41I'm looking at Rafe, who's like a beautiful, dusky version of you.
16:45So, we've asked the audience, if you had a gastric band fitted,
16:47would you keep it a secret from your friends, yes or no?
16:49Yes and no.
16:50Yes and no.
16:53No, you wouldn't keep it a secret.
16:54OK.
16:55I can tell you the answer is no.
16:5668% said no.
17:03Firm Britain recently had a gastric band fitted to one of her stomachs.
17:07I say gastric band, it was actually the fan belt from a Boeing 747.
17:12At the end of that round, I can tell you that Sean, Vic and Rafe have three points,
17:15Jason, David and Jodie have four points.
17:20Join me after the break when we'll be finding out if men would rather go shopping or play sport.
17:37Welcome back to 8 Out Of 10 Cats.
17:39The next round is Believe It Or Not.
17:40In this round, I give the panellists a simple statement.
17:42All they've got to do is tell me whether they think it's true or false.
17:45Let's first have a little look at a clip to illustrate the statistic.
17:53Well, here we are today, as you might expect, at the world's finest department store.
17:57You'll be seeing this look and many others later on in the show.
18:00So, until then...
18:01This is one of my autumn predictions.
18:03This is one of my autumn predictions.
18:05It's a beautiful garment which has these rather strong satin flowers.
18:08And I've teamed this outfit with sequined gloves and sequined tights.
18:15Hello.
18:16Karen.
18:17You look brilliant.
18:18Join the club.
18:19I'm wearing a cropped number this time with a fabric face, you might have noticed.
18:23Why don't you go and put something else on to wow the customers?
18:26What a good idea.
18:34What a gorgeously satisfying day this has been.
18:36And so many bargains.
18:41That was David Walliams.
18:44That was, in fact, performance artist Lee Bowery on The Clothes Show in 1988.
18:48Fashion hasn't caught up with Lee Bowery.
18:50But when it does, it's going to kick the shit out of him.
18:53Here's your related statistic.
18:5562% of men would rather go shopping than play sport.
18:58True or false?
18:59We've been shopping today.
19:00We've also wrestled together, so we like to combine the two.
19:03I wasn't really clear what the rules were there,
19:05because it ended really abruptly, and then you never called me.
19:09Is trouser theft considered a sport?
19:11No.
19:12Well, count me in just for 100% shopping.
19:16I don't mind food shopping.
19:18Big fan of that.
19:19Well, we can see, yes.
19:20Exactly, you know, I'm a big fan of that.
19:22David.
19:23What?
19:24Could you be mean?
19:25Can I say something to you?
19:27Could you be mean?
19:29Can I say something to you?
19:30Is that you do have a stray nostril hair.
19:33And it's like, do you want me to get it for you?
19:35I haven't even noticed that.
19:37Did you get a little bogey with it?
19:38There, you see that?
19:39That's a bad boy.
19:42No, because you don't want to be.
19:49So what are you going to go for?
19:50You're saying trunks?
19:51Well, hang on, whose question was it?
19:53Everybody.
19:54We're saying yes as well.
19:55Fuck you.
19:56Fuck you.
19:57We're saying yes.
20:01We're saying yes.
20:02You're saying yes?
20:03We're all saying yes, yeah.
20:04Yeah.
20:05Well, I can tell you the answer is true.
20:0762% of men would rather go shopping than play sports.
20:09No points.
20:13I have to say, I agree.
20:14If you ever hear me saying cities playing,
20:16I mean Sex and the Cities on at the Film House.
20:18We're meeting at 12 for cocktails.
20:19Be there or be square.
20:20It's going to be fabulous.
20:22So at the end of that round, I can tell you it's four points to Sean's team
20:24and five points for Jason's team.
20:29And the winner is, is the name of our final round.
20:31Here's your first one.
20:33Top reason Brits are teased at work.
20:36Is it because they say I can work with Prince or Pauper on TV?
20:41That must be right up there, because that would be pretty annoying.
20:47What do you mean by that?
20:49It was basically a dickish way of saying I get on with chalk and cheese.
20:53It's a dickish way of saying you get on with Prince and Pauper.
20:57Is it because they're still quite new, northern,
20:59and might have put on a little bit of weight since the last series?
21:04You're lovely.
21:08When does teasing stop and bullying take over?
21:11When you use a blade.
21:14If someone had a big nose and you just called them Concord, that would be teasing.
21:17But if you used it to open a yoghurt pot, like that.
21:21That would be bullying, wouldn't it?
21:26Top reason Brits are teased at work.
21:29Is it because when you weren't looking,
21:30the salesman had dipped his cock in your tea?
21:34I'll give you a clue.
21:35It's something that the winner of The Apprentice suffers from.
21:38Not being able to pronounce words?
21:39Yeah, that's exactly right. Speech impediment.
21:44Yes, the top five reasons for being bullied at work are
21:46speech impediment, accent, dress sense, baldness and ginger hair.
21:51If you're watching this, Anthony Warrell-Thompson,
21:53unlucky.
21:59Least desirable car passenger.
22:02Is it the Pope?
22:03Because whatever the weather, you've got to keep this sunroof open because of his hat.
22:08And he's in like a Perspex box as well, so you can't...
22:10Did you watch Cully last night?
22:11Oh, forget it, forget it.
22:14Right, who would you hate to be stuck in a car with?
22:16A rapist.
22:25I just imagine you going,
22:26oh, stuck in here with a rapist.
22:29I can get on with Prince, Cawthorne, all rapists.
22:33I reckon Stephen Hawking would be bad,
22:34because you wouldn't know it was him talking or the sat-nav.
22:37It's to do with someone that's annoyed a lot of people that drive cars.
22:40A bear.
22:41Alistair Darling.
22:42Correct.
22:45Yeah, the least desirable car passenger is the Chancellor, Alistair Darling.
22:48Heather Mills came second.
22:49She's a terrible backseat driver,
22:51always telling you to put her foot down.
22:57That sound tells me it's the end of the round and the end of the show,
22:59which means the final scores are
23:00Sean, Vic and Rafe have won.
23:02That sound tells me it's the end of the round and the end of the show,
23:04which means the final scores are
23:05Sean, Vic and Rafe have won.
23:07Jason, David and Jodie are the winners.
23:08They've got seven points.
23:13Thanks to all our panellists,
23:14our wonderful studio audience
23:15and to all of you for watching at home.
23:17That's it from us.
23:18Good night, see you next week.
23:32Time to leave, big brother.