First broadcast 20th June 2008.
Jimmy Carr
Sean Lock
Jason Manford
John Pohlhammer
Kelly Osbourne
John Bishop
Theo Paphitis
Mike Wilmot
Jimmy Carr
Sean Lock
Jason Manford
John Pohlhammer
Kelly Osbourne
John Bishop
Theo Paphitis
Mike Wilmot
Category
📺
TVTranscript
00:00Tonight on 8 Out Of 10 Cats, Daddy's Girl, Kelly Osbourne, Mommy's Boy, John Bishop,
00:27and their team captain, Jason Manford.
00:31And facing them tonight, from Dragon's Den, Theo Paphitis.
00:36From across the pond, Mike Wilmot.
00:40And their team captain, Sean Lott.
00:44Now, welcome your host, Jimmy Carr!
00:49CHEERING
00:52Hello, and welcome to 8 Out Of 10 Cats,
00:55where we talk about opinion polls, surveys and statistics.
00:58Did you know, for example, 44% of Brits keep their socks on during sex?
01:02Fair enough, why would you take your socks off in a car park?
01:05The average person will spend two weeks of their life
01:08waiting for the traffic lights to change.
01:10I think they might be broken?
01:13And 20% of adults in Britain don't know how to use email,
01:16and they work on the help desk at PC World.
01:20Right, let's get on with the show!
01:22CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
01:28What are you talking about? That's the name of our first round.
01:31We've teamed up with a leading polling organisation,
01:33and they've asked the British nation what stories they've been discussing this week.
01:36It's our panellists' job to guess the British public's top five most popular talking points.
01:40Jason, Kelly, John, your team to go first.
01:42What have the nation been talking about?
01:44We reckon Big Brother, and more specifically, Alexandra.
01:49Has she been threatening the rest of the Big Brother inmates?
01:52I think it's really funny.
01:54Can we just clarify, because Alex might be watching this, she's out of the house now.
01:58I don't respect you.
02:00LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
02:07Did you see what she said? She said,
02:09I've got gangsta friends, they can do what I say, pow pow.
02:12Like, how old is she? Eight!
02:14They're going to get you, pow pow pow!
02:18That's the problem with girls, is at school they never learn a good gun noise.
02:23Like if that had been a bloke, he'd have given it the old...
02:26You know what I mean?
02:28I believe the phrase is blap, blap, blap.
02:31LAUGHTER
02:33Just saying, no-one fuck with me, right?
02:36Yeah? You'll never be ready.
02:39Remember I told you.
02:41What's that?
02:43That's how I roll, motherfucker.
02:45LAUGHTER
02:48That's how I roll, I roll like that.
02:50With the bitches in the back?
02:52LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
02:58If you were in a gang, you'd be the treasurer.
03:01LAUGHTER
03:04I'll tell you what's winding me up, though,
03:06is E4's coverage of the live streaming.
03:09And they let you watch them sleep, they let you watch them eat,
03:12but any time anything interesting happens, they cut to a break.
03:15They start doing the...
03:17..little bird noises and all that stuff, right?
03:19And it's quite annoying, there's been a few times where they're like,
03:22yeah, and guess who I've had sex with?
03:24Well, I'll tell you.
03:26LAUGHTER
03:30On a Tuesday.
03:32LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
03:38Let's have a look and see if Big Brother's one of the most talked about things this week.
03:42Yes, of course it is.
03:44APPLAUSE
03:46Yes, in Big Brother news this week, Alex has been removed from the house.
03:49Alex spent the last 24 hours in a hotel room.
03:51You have to clean it quicker than that, love, or you'll get the sack.
03:54LAUGHTER
03:56Sean, Mike, Thea, Paphitis, off of Dragon's Den.
03:58What have the nation been talking about?
04:00Is it the visit this week of George Bush to London?
04:04Visited London, Gordon Brown, very pleased to see him.
04:07Yeah, thrilled.
04:09Well, I imagine he is, it makes him look better, doesn't it?
04:11Same principle like Simon Cowell got Piers Morgan on Britain's Got Talent.
04:15If you think I'm a smug, self-satisfied bastard...
04:18LAUGHTER
04:20..look at this bloke.
04:22Is that Womya?
04:24I think it's just funny that, you know, I'm Canadian,
04:26and when our Prime Minister visits, not a lot of hoopla.
04:29Like when our Prime Minister, Stephen Harper,
04:32and right there I could have said any name at all.
04:35LAUGHTER
04:37I could have said Zorak the Invincible,
04:40and there'd still be people watching at home going,
04:42yeah, I hear he's invincible, yes, Zorak.
04:44LAUGHTER
04:46George Bush got a tour of Windsor Castle,
04:48and I thought that would be an episode of Cribs, I wouldn't mind watching.
04:51Just Prince Philip walking around, going to the bedroom,
04:53and this is where the magic happens.
04:55LAUGHTER
04:57Do you think he was secretly a little bit disappointed
04:59that Windsor Castle wasn't bouncy?
05:01LAUGHTER
05:03Are you saying he's stupid? That's what I was saying.
05:05It's skills, isn't it? It's this idea that he's convinced everyone he's stupid,
05:08and he's not stupid, he's just really anti-clever, isn't he?
05:12He doesn't like clever things.
05:14Like reading books the right way up.
05:16Let me go through a couple of things he has said over the years.
05:18Yeah.
05:19When asked to describe the White House, he said, it is white.
05:22LAUGHTER
05:23Technically correct. It's not wrong.
05:25He said more and more of our imports come from abroad.
05:27Correct, yes.
05:29I think we can agree the past is over.
05:32LAUGHTER
05:34It's fact after fact after fact.
05:37Here we go.
05:38He's a fact machine.
05:39Last one.
05:40When asked by a reporter why Osama bin Laden had not been caught,
05:43he said, he's hiding.
05:45LAUGHTER
05:47APPLAUSE
05:53He ruined my whole entire week this week.
05:55He ruined your week?
05:56Yes.
05:57Oh, well, the Iraq war was one thing. What has he done now?
05:59LAUGHTER
06:01For God's sake, Kelly.
06:03I was fine with Afghanistan. This is too much.
06:05I had to leave, like, two and a half hours early so that I could get there
06:09because there was so much traffic.
06:11Jesus Christ.
06:13This guy's got to be stopped. What are we doing?
06:15LAUGHTER
06:16Right, let's see if President Bush is one of the most talked about things this week.
06:21Yes, indeed he is.
06:23APPLAUSE
06:25Yes, this week, President Bush made his last official visit to Britain.
06:29After leaving office, Bush intends to devote a couple of years to finishing his book.
06:32He can't believe that caterpillar is still hungry.
06:35LAUGHTER
06:38Jason, Kelly and John, what else have the nation been talking about this week?
06:42We reckon that Paul Burrell has been in the paper quite a lot.
06:46Someone said that he shagged Princess Diana.
06:48And I can't believe a beautiful princess who's married to the future king of England.
06:53She had affairs with a major in the army.
06:56She had an affair with the captain of the England rugby team.
06:59And she's thinking, yeah, I know what I'll do, I'll shag my fat gay butler.
07:03LAUGHTER
07:07Paul said that he saw the Queen naked in her bedroom.
07:11How did he manage that?
07:13He was chasing a corgi that ran into the Queen's bedroom.
07:16Apparently the Queen was stood there naked.
07:18Sort of freaky, imagine busting in and seeing like four corgis and a naked Queen.
07:23That sounds like the best hand you can have in a poker game.
07:26LAUGHTER
07:28Four corgis and a naked Queen.
07:33What's the etiquette for seeing the Queen naked?
07:36What do you do, do you bow, do you salute?
07:38I've seen her naked. On Photoshop.
07:40LAUGHTER
07:42Amazing, she looks.
07:44She's got an amazing tattoo. It's a full fox hunt.
07:46Coming over her shoulders.
07:48A load of dogs across her tummy.
07:50And a little fox nipping in for cover.
07:52LAUGHTER
07:54APPLAUSE
07:57I can tell you it's not one of the top five most talked about things this week.
08:01OK, Sean, over to you. What else have the nation been talking about this week?
08:04The impending interest rate rises, general economic gloom and doom,
08:08rising prices of food.
08:10Food's gone way up. Anyone who has their five a day now is just showing off.
08:14LAUGHTER
08:16But interestingly, there's one food that hasn't gone up.
08:19Try it, it's still a very reasonable eight pence a tonne.
08:22LAUGHTER
08:24You're a businessman, right? You may understand this kind of thing.
08:27Explain to me what's going on.
08:29Well, basically, the Chancellor got a letter from the Governor of the Bank of England
08:32to tell him we're fucked, officially.
08:34He took a letter from the Governor of the Bank of England...
08:38You know the worst thing about the letter? It cost the Chancellor 25 quid.
08:41LAUGHTER
08:43It's Rymans and Lucenza, isn't it, the lingerie?
08:45Rymans and Lucenza, yes. I've had an idea for you.
08:48Crotchless post-it notes.
08:50LAUGHTER
08:52How big are you? Yeah, huge.
08:54I'm a big fan of the old sexy underwear situation.
08:57We don't do your size.
08:59LAUGHTER
09:01APPLAUSE
09:05There's loads of money-saving tips people are putting out there.
09:08There's loads of different ways you can save money.
09:10I've seen a couple, like breakfast.
09:12I know it's wrong, but steal bird's eggs for your breakfast.
09:15They're littler, but they're actually quite tasty.
09:18I've started taking hormones.
09:20In a few months, I'll be lactating, so that's milk in the morning.
09:23LAUGHTER
09:24Just saving, little saving.
09:26And what I do is make a great big pot stew, really big pot stew.
09:29Pigeons? Yeah. Pigeons, what?
09:31What did you say, pigeons? You can't just say pigeons.
09:34You've got to have something before it and after it, Theo.
09:37You can't just go, pigeons.
09:39LAUGHTER
09:40Is that a good idea?
09:42That's a bargain square.
09:44Bargain square, yeah. Get the pigeons.
09:46Eat the pigeons. They've all gone.
09:48Who got rid of the pigeons?
09:50Have you gone mental? Have you literally gone mental?
09:52LAUGHTER
09:53This is serious.
09:55I know you've got money. Have you been drinking all day?
09:57LAUGHTER
09:59I'm a lingerie shopper.
10:01Pigeons!
10:03Right, let's see whether the state of the economy
10:05is one of the top five most talked about things.
10:07I have a feeling it will be. Yes, it is.
10:09APPLAUSE
10:10The most talked about thing this week.
10:12Yes, this is the continuing story of economic crisis.
10:15The credit crunch is causing pensioners to be hit hardest.
10:18Well, let go of the handbag then, Nana.
10:20LAUGHTER
10:22If you're watching, don't have nightmares.
10:24LAUGHTER
10:28It's not too bad.
10:30Sorry.
10:32Fingers on buzzers, what else have they made me think about?
10:34Jason.
10:35Euros. The Euro 2008.
10:37The football that we've not been invited to.
10:39Why?
10:40Well, cos we were rubbish. Steve McClaren fucked it up.
10:42But we...
10:44Half the team couldn't have gone, cos of Wayne Rooney's wedding.
10:47It's hard not being there, cos you've had to find another team
10:50to support with a weird angle, like,
10:52oh, I drive a Fiat, so I'll support Italy,
10:54or I've got a necklace out of onions, so I'll support France.
10:57LAUGHTER
10:59Mine's been, I quite like Nando's, so I'll support Portugal.
11:02LAUGHTER
11:04You quite like? Yeah, quite like it.
11:06But then the problem is, they've got Ronaldo, who I ate,
11:09and I've had to come to a conclusion.
11:12More than I ate Cristiano Ronaldo. It's a tough question.
11:15Try and ask it yourself.
11:17APPLAUSE
11:19Bit as well, like, they're trying to get an atmosphere.
11:22At what point does a grown adult want a flag painted on the face?
11:25When did that start happening?
11:27I remember in the World Cup, there was a woman working in Tesco,
11:30and they'd obviously let them wear the England shirts,
11:34and she was not just in an England shirt,
11:36she had shorts on, socks and shin pads, right?
11:40She was stacking shelves, right, and then...
11:43So I slide-tackled her, right?
11:45LAUGHTER
11:47Put it in! She was shocked.
11:49Let's see if Euro 2008 is up there.
11:51Number two, yeah.
11:53Yes, indeed.
11:55OK, there's one more thing to get. Fingers on buzzers.
11:57What else have the nation been talking about this week?
11:59The release of Bin Laden's number two in Europe.
12:04He's right-hand man, apparently.
12:06The way I remember his name is...
12:09Which is terrible, cos it makes me say his name in a very jolly way.
12:13He's been released, much to the annoyance of the government
12:16and various tabloids.
12:18There are very stringent restrictions on his movement.
12:21He's only allowed out for an hour in the morning
12:23and an hour in the afternoon.
12:25He'd have to watch a film in, like, three visits.
12:28If he wants to go and see Sex and the City,
12:30which I imagine he can't wait to see,
12:32he'd have to go in, watch 45 minutes, go back home,
12:35ooh, I wonder what's going to happen next.
12:37Wait till two o'clock.
12:38Don't tell me the story to everybody.
12:40Did you see that restriction?
12:41One of the great restrictions he's got is
12:43he can't have Bin Laden to visit him.
12:45To be fair, he has a bad influence on him, so...
12:48OK, you're right, yeah.
12:50We don't know if he's actually made it home,
12:52cos he's being delivered from prison by MI5 agents.
12:55There's a very good chance they'll leave him on the train.
12:57LAUGHTER
12:59They'll just forget about him.
13:01APPLAUSE
13:05Let's see if Abu Qatada is up there.
13:12Yes, this is the news that controversial cleric Abu Qatada
13:15has been released from prison.
13:17Qatada denied he influenced shoe bomber Richard Reid
13:19with his controversial sermon entitled
13:21Bomb Them With Your Shoes, Richard.
13:26Abu Qatada denies being responsible for 9-11, 7-7, 21-7
13:30or the bonus ball.
13:35So, at the end of that round, I can tell you,
13:37Sean's team have three points, Jason's team have two points.
13:43Our next round is called Pick Of The Polls.
13:45Our teams take it in turns to choose a picture from the board
13:47and then they have to answer a related question.
13:49OK, Sean, you're to go first. What picture do you fancy?
13:52What's that fella?
13:53That's Raj Pursue. We'll have him, then.
13:56Dr Raj Pursue has been in the news this week accused of plagiarism,
13:59so we polled our studio audience and we asked them,
14:03What he said was, he said,
14:05I didn't really cheat or steal it, he said,
14:07there was a few copying and pasting errors.
14:09It was a bit like if you've been done for stealing a car,
14:12you say, there's been a few driving and parking errors.
14:15It's also, like, they're saying it's plagiarism,
14:18maybe it was just, like, a banned cover version.
14:21Maybe he was just saying,
14:23OK, I think this professor's really great,
14:25so I'm just using all of his words.
14:27He didn't change two words in the book,
14:29he just changed the name of the author.
14:31OK, so we polled our audience and asked,
14:33Is it OK to cheat if it makes you successful?
14:35What are you going to go for, Sean?
14:36I think if they're honest...
14:37Yeah, they probably said yes, didn't they?
14:39So you're going to go yes?
14:40Yeah, yeah, yeah.
14:41OK, I can tell you the answer is yes.
14:4355% said it's OK to cheat if it makes you successful.
14:46Yeah.
14:47Give yourselves a round of applause, you cheating bastards.
14:50Raj Pursue has been in the news this week
14:52as he's been investigated for plagiarism.
14:54Professor Richard Bentall said he was flabbergasted
14:57at the blatancy of his colleagues' cheating.
14:59In response, Dr Pursue said he was flabbergasted
15:01at the blatancy of his colleagues' cheating.
15:04Jason's team, what picture do you fancy?
15:07I think Amy Winehouse.
15:11This is a poll with a whole question.
15:1212% of people think Amy Winehouse has what?
15:16Some sort of drug problem.
15:2012% of people.
15:23What about 12% of people think that she's not on drugs?
15:26The only person that thinks she's not on drugs is Pete Doherty,
15:28who thinks she dabbles a bit, but not really.
15:3412% of people think Amy Winehouse has what?
15:36Some of the worst tattoos I've ever seen.
15:39They're dreadful, her tattoos, aren't they?
15:41I think the only people who should have tattoos are people in the Navy.
15:44I saw a guy once who did his own tattoos,
15:46and he was a Motorhead fan,
15:48and he wanted to write Ace of Spades under his eye,
15:51but he didn't space it out, and he had Ace of Spad.
15:55The best tattoo I've ever seen,
15:58it was an older woman that I had a thing with years ago,
16:01and she had a complete fox hunt over her shoulder,
16:05and down there, and it just disappeared.
16:07Incredible.
16:1112% think she's got pigeons in her hair.
16:14You're very, very close with that, Theophetus.
16:16I'll give you that, yeah.
16:1712% of people think Amy Winehouse has headlights.
16:20We're not going to go on about Amy's drug addiction,
16:23but it's the dragon I feel sorry for.
16:25Imagine being chased by that.
16:29Have I told you about my new book?
16:31What's your book called?
16:32Enter the Dragon.
16:33Oh, Theophetus.
16:34That's something on the Swingers website.
16:37You sit in there, go like this, enter me.
16:48It's a good thing Deborah Meaden didn't get there first.
16:52Count your blessings.
16:53You're selling paperclips and knickers.
16:56You designed the knickers?
16:57Yeah.
16:58Pervert.
17:01I don't understand why no-one's ever done an all-in-one for men.
17:04Women have that thing, and they just have some poppers there.
17:07They're the most uncomfortable thing in the whole entire world,
17:10and one of the most embarrassing things that's ever happened to me in my life
17:13was that my stylist made me wear one.
17:15I put it on, and then I was like,
17:17Dad, look at this.
17:18This is the most stupid thing ever,
17:20not realising that it has a gusset hole.
17:23You showed your dad your la-la?
17:26That is an embarrassing thing.
17:27It could have been worse.
17:28It could have been Jack wearing it with his bollocks hanging out, just like...
17:33Are you sure it wasn't just second-hand?
17:36Or maybe it was his shithole and he had it on backwards.
17:43Mike Wilmot there, adding a touch of class to proceedings.
17:46So at the end of that round, I can tell you it's five points for Sean's team
17:48and two points for Jason's team.
17:52Join me after the break when we'll be finding out
17:54what you'd rescue if your house was on fire.
18:03Welcome back to Eight Out Of Ten Cats.
18:05The next round is Believe It Or Not.
18:07In this round, I give the panellists a simple statement.
18:09All they have to do is decide whether they think it's true or false.
18:12Let's have a look at a clip from Tomorrow's World
18:14to illustrate your statistic.
18:16Good King Wenceslas last looked up...
18:19For God's sake, please be quiet.
18:20Go away. We're trying to get some sleep around here.
18:24Well, you can't win them all.
18:25I don't know what happened to his Christmas spirit and good cheer,
18:28but maybe I need someone to help me singing.
18:31LAUGHTER
18:39Christmas, Christmas
18:42Boys and girls, it's Christmas
18:45Tiny Tims and happy Tims
18:48Tear up Tims and tear up Tims
18:52Fantastic. Sing some more.
18:55LAUGHTER
18:59I'll take care of that, thank you.
19:01All you need to make a bit of money at this game
19:03is a computer, a voice synthesiser,
19:06a radio-controlled robot, like Fred here,
19:09and you're in business.
19:11APPLAUSE
19:1566% of people would rather have a robot than a pet.
19:19True or false? I've got two cats.
19:21I've got two cats I don't like. I don't like them.
19:24What I like about dogs is every so often it just winks at you.
19:27Just, you know, gives you a little wink.
19:29That's because they're content with life.
19:31They wink at you to go, it's all right, innit, life?
19:33And cats occasionally wink at you as well.
19:35They sort of go, if you don't give me food, I will chew your face off.
19:38LAUGHTER
19:40Your mum's got loads of dogs, hasn't she?
19:42Yes, she does. She's got about 20.
19:44And there's a room built.
19:46It has a chair, a TV that's on the animal channel,
19:49and chairs for my dad to go in there and hang out with the dogs.
19:52Literally, you've got a dog house for your dad.
19:55He says dogs don't talk back.
19:57I have daughters, I can understand that completely.
19:59I sit on the shitter for days.
20:01LAUGHTER
20:03The downside of having a robot is, of course,
20:05you're always dissatisfied with it because you always know
20:07there's a slightly improved model out there with a better voice.
20:10It's like a wife.
20:12We're constantly going, oh, I want the one that doesn't go,
20:15yes, no, I love you.
20:18Sounds like me.
20:20Here, honey, give me a kiss.
20:22LAUGHTER
20:2466% of people would rather have a robot than a pet,
20:26so you're saying true or false? False.
20:28You're saying false? True.
20:30OK, I can tell you the answer is false.
20:32Well done, you.
20:34APPLAUSE
20:36Only 26% of people would rather have a robot than a pet.
20:39Just like robots, pets have got an off switch,
20:41but you can only find it with the edge of a spade.
20:44LAUGHTER
20:46So at the end of that round, I can tell you it's five points for Sean's team
20:50APPLAUSE
20:52It's all to play for as we go into the final round,
20:54which is, and the winner is,
20:56the most common lie told in the workplace.
20:59Oh, brilliant, I'm really glad you brought your baby in.
21:02LAUGHTER
21:06That was great, though, we really enjoyed seeing it.
21:09Is it your call is important to us?
21:12Is it someone has been downloading pornography on my computer?
21:19Has anyone ever lied to you?
21:21I mean, you run a couple of massive businesses.
21:23Not if they want to stay alive afterwards, no.
21:25Listen to the geezer!
21:28Just for your information, Jon, Theophilus is in Alex's gang.
21:32Pow, pow, pow.
21:34APPLAUSE
21:40It's not my fault.
21:42So dangerously close, I think I will give you that.
21:44Really?
21:46The most common lie in the workplace is,
21:48I don't know what happened.
21:50LAUGHTER
21:52Top thing to rescue if your house is on fire.
21:55My mum always had this fear that our house was going to burn down.
21:58It's cos you've got Ozzy Osbourne wandering round it.
22:01So I still have this ladder, so if there was ever a fire,
22:04I can jump out my window and climb down.
22:06You would think, with the money your parents have got,
22:09they'd put slides instead of ladders.
22:11That would be a lot more fun, wouldn't it, for kids?
22:13There's a fire again!
22:17First thing I'd save is the recycling.
22:20Cos I've spent so long sorting out bottles.
22:23LAUGHTER
22:25I'm not going to waste that two hours.
22:27I'm not going to waste that. That's coming with me.
22:30You haven't got that long.
22:32I know. Well, there's no need to shout, Theo.
22:35It's a fire. Don't worry.
22:37Kelly, what would you rescue?
22:39Probably my pictures.
22:41If the police ever get hold of them, I'm going to jail.
22:46It's quite a practical thing.
22:48Oh, a spatula.
22:50Keys. Keys is exactly right.
22:52Keys! Yes, Kelly.
22:54I'll give you that, but it is in fact car keys.
22:57I'll take that. Got the car keys, love?
22:59Love?
23:02That sound tells me it's the end of the round and the end of the show,
23:05which means the final scores are Sean, Theo and Mike have five points,
23:08everyone's a winner on 8 Out Of 10 Cats.
23:12Thanks to all our panellists, our wonderful studio audience,
23:14and to all of you for watching at home.
23:16That's it from us. Good night.
23:21At five past 11, a pop star and a politician in the pot,
23:24Danny Minogue and John Prescott,
23:26make unlikely dinner companions in Gordon Ramsay's F Word.
23:29Before that, new blood and Davina Chris's Alexandra on Big Brother.
23:33That's next.